Z Fantasy Football

2009-12-30T08:52:00.000-08:00

Tuesday Review v4.16

It's been awhile, gentlemen and for that I apologize. Nearly a month has passed since the last information was posted on this fake football site, but that doesn't mean you all haven't been in the thoughts of those slaving away in the league office. The time has come, though, to get back to posting on the things happening in our league, the NFL, and sports as a whole.

Fortunately for me, and unfortunately for some of you, the standings have changed very little, if at all, since the last time anything was posted publicly. It is a very real possibility that we will be having our first two time league champion, and back-to-back champions, at that. The Cyclones have made a strong December push and have all but assured themselves another PPFFL championship. There will be some drama in Week 17 as to who will finish in what places behind them, as The Maestro is on the heels of The Big Ragu in the chase for 2nd place; Team STY and The Outlaws are battling for 4th place; and The Dragons are drawing a bead on the Gnomies in their quest to rise out of the cellar before the season ends.

Official Standings:
Cyclones 1,927.79
The Big Ragu 1,860.44
The Maestro 1,837.74
Team STY 1,688.20
The Outlaws 1,679.10
The Dominator 1,648.44
Gnomies 1,463.92
The Dragons 1,423.17

The "I Sure Wish I Played That Guy" Award for the past few weeks goes to everyone in the league. Since the last time information was posted here, Brandon Marshall has gone berzerk, in a good way, including his 21 reception game against the Colts. He accomplished that while being on the roster of....nobody. Granted, the guy went berzerk in a bad way during training camp and got suspended. Still, once he returned he was the receiver of choice for Kyle Orton, particularly on that day in Indy. For such astute running of your fake teams (myself included), the "ISWIWHPTG" Award for December collectively goes to all of us. We should be really proud of ourselves.

The Cyclones have positioned themselves to be our first two-time and repeat champions on the arm of Peyton Manning, the last pick in the first round of our draft in August. The Colts run toward an undefeated season was just the tonic to keep Peyton on the field and putting up stats to help the owners of the fake teams he is on. Enter Colts management and coach Jim Caldwell to put a damper on the run to finish 19-0. They laid down in the second half in Week 16 against the Jets (of all teams) and took the gas pipe for the first time all season. Caldwell explained that he didn't want any of his key players, in particular Manning, to get hurt, as well as give them a little time off so they can be fresh for the playoffs. Really? Manning hasn't suffered a significant injury his whole career (his o-linemen rarely allow him to be hit). As for time off, the week off while the wild card games are played isn't enough? Caldwell better watch out, because his players might be complaining about not getting enough work down the stretch of the season after they lose at home in the playoffs.

The PPFFL Newcomer of the Year is going to be The Big Ragu. He will edge out......nobody for this award, since he's the only newcomer this season. It was a big year for him, though, as the Patriot offense bolstered him while also disappointing him. The Pats weren't as potent as they were when they were stealing defensive signals from all of their opponents, but they were still tough to stop. Much discussion has ensued about the "inconsistency" of Tom Brady. Some think he may have lost his touch a little. Some think the absence of a solid running game has hurt. Some point to Randy Moss and his tanking plays as the problem. And, some argue that coming back from major knee surgery takes more than a year and that Brady should be back to his record setting ways next season. I say that the schedule, and the AFC East in particular, has finally caught up to the Patriots. Their division used to be the worst in the league, as the Jets, Dolphins, and Bills all were at some point during the '00s one of the worst teams in the league. There have been years when two of them have danced with the dregs of the league. Not so this season, as the Jets and Fish have both been respectable. The rest of the schedule has also caught up with New England. Early in the century, they played four consecutive regular season games against Indianapolis, all victories. That trend has shifted, as Indy has hosted most of their games as of late and has won four straight. The only season they haven't beaten the Pats recently? The 2007 season, when the Patriots went undefeated and the teams didn't play.

The Maestro has been pretty consistent all season, and has an outside chance to finish in second place for the second year in a row. Aaron Rodgers has emerged as an elite QB in the NFL, carrying his real team into the playoffs for the first time since Our Favre threw away the 2008 NFC Champinship game on the frozen tundra against the Giants. Wes Welker has also been a mainstay on this fake team, as his 122 catches in 13 games have been astounding. With all of those grabs, though, he has only scored 4 touchdowns. What can this be attributed to? My guess is the neverending quest to keep Randy Moss from melting down and doing something he, the Patriots, Roger Goodell, and traffic cops everywhere will regret. You see, catches that keep drives alive and gain tough yardage aren't attention getters. Touchdowns, though, are what makes everybody jump to their feet and praise the football gods for granting them such great fortune. To keep Randy pacified, Tom Brady makes sure he looks his way in the red zone. Affording Randy a "Look at Me!" moment or two each week keeps him happy, while Welker does all of the hard work and keeps the offense humming (while Randy oftentimes quits on routes and refuses to go over the middle).

Battling to finish in the top half of the league standings is Team STY. Drew Brees has carried the load all season long, even through the struggles of the last two weeks. The loss to Dallas was something that could have been predicted. A team that isn't used to such success late into the season walked into the house of a good team that had been beaten down for a whole week over one loss. The Cowboys came out motivated and basically dominated the game. Many expected the Saints to bounce back, especially against the Bucs, who had barely been better than the Rams all season. The Saints jumped out to an early 17-0 lead, but obviously let up as they let the Bucs score the last 20 points of the game (thanks mostly to Garrett Hartley honking a chip shot at the end of regulation). Sean Payton better right the ship heading into the playoffs, because the best season in Saints history will quickly be buried under a wave of criticism if they don't at least host the NFC Championship game.

The St. Louis Browns of our league (look them up sometime for reference) are having a season to remember, and might even finish in the first division. The Outlaws have shaken off three seasons of frustration to make a run at levels heretofore unknown to them. It has been an effort punctuated by stability and togetherness. A franchise that was once eager to add every player who had a good week (see also: Browns, St. Louis), is now seeing the fruits of draftng a team and sticking with it for the long haul. No more "Larry Johnson Express" for these guys. The ageless Kurt Warner (surprise - a QB is leading the way) has been the leader of this team all season. Unfortunately for his fake team, he will likely be used sparingly in Week 17, as the Cardinals' fate has already been sealed. With Warner being a tad bit injury prone, coach Whisenhunt will likely sit him early in the season finale. They're playing the inconsistent defense of Green Bay, though, so a 300-yard, 4 TD first half is not out of the question for the pride of Northern Iowa and the Hy-Vee.

Making their own run at the first division is The Dominator. He's been lying in obscurity most of the season, stuck in the middle of the standings, but has recently started to close the gap on the teams in front of him. Obscure is the key word, as Matt Schaub, the most obscure of all top QBs has been leading the way. Let's face it, when you're playing for a team who is the reincarnate of a team that played in another city, and has uniforms that look like they belong in the Arena League, you're going to be obscured a bit from the rest of the league. Week 17 really looks to be a battle royal between this team and the two directly in front, as only 40 points separate them. With the uncertainty surrounding how much playing time the key guys on solid playoff teams will receive, anything can happen. Meaning, our fake season has come down to trying to generate interest over which team is going to finish in 4th place. Well done, gentlemen.

The leaders at the end of Week 1 are now trying to avoid finishing in last place. The Gnomies have fallen about as far as you can over the course of a season. This team has epitomized the fact that every league needs someone who looks good on paper, but fails to deliver on the field. Or, on the computer, as is our case. Whatever the case, top pick Adrian Peterson has performed well below expectations, even with the solid numbers he's putting up. The forays into the end zone just haven't been as frequent as expected and his penchant for putting the ball on the turf has been more prevelant this year than it was last. Credit the former to Our Favre, who likes to gunsling in the red zone instead of ramming the ball right at the defense with the best (arguably) back in football. Cut him some slack, though. He's closing in on 500 career TD passes. If he really does burn bridges with Brad Childress this season and isn't welcomed back in Minnesota, he'll need some impressive stats to show prospective employers that he can still get it done. How else will he reach such a magical number?

Trying desperately to remove themselves from the cellar are The Dragons. A late season surge has at least brought them to within striking distance of 7th place. Forty points is tough to make up in any week, but Week 17 carries with it a lot of uncertainty, so it can be done. The negative tone was set early for this team, as mainstay Brian Westbrook was knocked out early and often during the season. The rest of the team staggered through weeks like they were all nursing concussions. Dunnavunn McNabb did everything he could to help his fake team, but with only DeSean Jackson to help him stretch the defense, the Eagles relied on a quick score, then let the defense hold on strategy most of the season. That doesn't always bode well for fake teams, who need their QBs to throw a lot and put up big numbers. The Eagles are playing Dallas for the NFC East title this weekend, so there is a solid chance that Dunnavunn will be airing it out early and often, especially if Tony Romo keeps playing well and putting points on the board for Dallas. Watch out, though, for attractive blondes wearing pink Romo jerseys to the game. If there are too many of them, Tony's attention will likely be diverted to the stands and the Eagles will knock Dallas out early, as they did in last season's 44-6 shellacking. That was the game after which Romo allegedly collapsed in the shower and T.O. burst into tears during his postgame interview. Fortunately, he was wearing his Lazy Town rain gear, keeping his expensive threads underneath safe from the torrent of tears.

Notes:

Many congrats to SeaBass for booting the 61 yarder at the end of the first half in Oakland's game in Cleveland. In a decade short on highlights (with the exception of the 2002 Super Bowl team), SeaBass and Shane Lechler have given Raider fans something to be proud of. If your team's offense is going to lead to close to a dozen punts each week and its best scoring opportunities will be field goal attempts in excess of 45 yards, it's comforting to know you have the best punter of all time and one of football's best kickers.
Now, if only Tom Cable would let SeaBass have a shot at a 70-yarder early in the season in Denver or anytime in a dome. He's the guy who is currently the most capable of shattering that barrier.
Peaches Napear is becoming a running joke among the anchors on ESPN for his outlandish outbursts whenever the Kings do something well. His orders to sell tickets on air seems to have led to even more spastic outbursts this season, even if you account for the increased success of the team and their penchant for playing exciting, down to the wire games. Peaches was most mocked for his screaming about Tyreke Evans' game winning shot in Milwaukee. The reaction didn't much match the atmosphere in the arena, where the place was less than half full and those in attendance were rueing the fact that the game was almost over and they would soon be trudging to their cars in -34 degree wind chill.
Hand it to Peaches, though, for landing a substitute gig on Jim Rome's radio show. He really punked Jim Caldwell for his decision to sit his starters midway through the 3rd quarter against the Jets. Too bad he knows little about anything besides what happened during the previous 24 hours, the Kings, and New York Giants football. It didn't matter, though, because once the typical idiots who usually call Rome's show heard there was a sub behind the mic, they all turned off the radio and went back to coloring in their coloring books.
Sticking with Sacramento radio personalities, Mike Lamb's Sunday football show for Fox Sports Radio is now broadcast on KHTK. For a couple of weeks, I was under the impression he was doing the show for KHTK, as his co-host sounded just like the other young, moronic, dips that fill in during down time on the station (and that's not including the captain of the morons, the mush-mouthed Carmichael Dave). I realized the show was broadcast from the Southland when the eye-candy traffic/news chick (maybe the show is simulcast on TV somewhere - in which case the lighting much be set up just right to keep Lamb's immense shadow from obscuing everyone) came on to talk about Christmas plans with her family. Anyway, Lamb, being the guy that he is, doesn't stray from saying a bunch of stuff that means nothing, while maintaining the innate ability to argue with himself....without pausing to begin another sentence.
If you don't like this, you don't like fake football reviews written for fewer than 10 people to read! Sorry, Peaches can be contagious....like polio, SARS, or H1N1.
To all of you Laker fans out there, particularly those who bought tickets to last Saturday's Kings/Lakers game at Arco: you have passed Boston fans in the lead to be the most obnoxious in all American sports. Once Kobe's skills recede, assuming the commissioner doesn't force other teams to follow the NBA's unwritten rules and trade their stars to LA for nothing in return, you'll probably feel a little guilt when you hop off of the Laker bandwagon and start rooting for whoever is atop the league. Or, maybe you'll lose interest in basketball and simply go back to filling up your cases of coloring books.

That's all for this week. A full review of the season will follow at some point following the action of Week 17, wherein our league champion will officially be crowned.

Do great things.....

The Commish

2009-12-03T10:06:00.000-08:00

Tuesday Review v4.12

An exciting holiday week in the NFL brought us some excitement in our fake league as the Cyclones made a push back toward the top spot held for a couple of weeks now by The Big Ragu. Although there was no change in the standings, there was some drama, as The Dragons made a huge move to get out of last place. Where they were once at Plutonian depths behind everyone else, they have now closed to within striking distance of the Gnomies and seventh place.

Official Standings (Week 12):
The Big Ragu 1,490.62 (96.59)
Cyclones 1,468.49 (119.08)
The Maestro 1,377.98 (111.41)
Team STY 1,300.53 (112.92)
The Outlaws 1,275.52 (109.94)
The Dominator 1,226.20 (99.99)
Gnomies 1,128.90 (62.65)
The Dragons 1,061.40 (115.04)

The week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award goes to the Gnomies, who had, by far, the worst week. Scanning their roster, they really didn't have anyone on the bench who would have contributed much more than the scrubs that they played did. For that reason, they get the award for not trading for or picking up other players who are better than the weak ones they currently call their own. Congratulations, guys!

Our leader saw his cushion become a little thinner. Instead of lounging on a comfy couch, The Big Ragu is now sitting on a thin stadium pad atop an aluminum bench. Mega-hunky, superstar QB Tom Brady (14.34) was pantsed on Monday Night Football by the Saints, partially due to, as Jaws commented during the second half, "Randy Moss has completely given up on this game. He obviously doesn't feel like playing hard." Meter maids in the Boston metro area beware! Randy starts looking for human hood ornaments when he gets depressed. Fortunately, this fake team has the feature receiver for the team doing the pantsing on MNF, so Marques Colston (19.05) picked up some of the slack Randy was trying to wrap around Brady's neck.

The Cyclones showed some holiday spunk, behind Peyton Manning (41.78) and Chris Johnson (21.30). Manning is saving his heroics for the second half, after the Colts fall behind. It's like they've decided to challenge themselves a little bit and see how far they can fall behind before roaring back to win. They're probably a little embarrassed after seeing how the Pats got trounced in New Orleans. A 17-point comeback in the 4th quarter isn't as impressive as totally romping over the team followed by the most front-runners....at least not in the opinion of this office. Cheers go out to Matt Prater (15.00), who had a big game for a kicker and singlehandedly took some heat off of the Broncos. Or, did the weak, disinterested Giants, led by Eli and rooted for most feverishly by Peaches, take the heat off of Denver?

Hanging around, hoping for a miracle week to boost him toward contention for the league lead, is The Maestro. If only all of his players could face the Lions on Thansgiving Day! Aaron Rodgers (48.70) torched the tabbys on one of America's (and, the United States, too) most cherished holidays, joining a long list of players who have racked up big numbers in Detroit on the 4th Thursday in November. Frank Gore (15.33) isn't racking up big rushing numbers now that Jimmy Raye has gone to the spread, but he's getting the ball through the air near the end zone. And, Roddy White (13.85) was really missing Matt Ryan, until the last desperate drive for the Falcons, when Chris Redman suddenly figured out how to throw the ball where the team's best receiver could get his hands on it.

Bouncing back from a gory Week 11 was Team STY. Drew Brees (55.87) played a perfect game (according to QB rating) on Monday night. He was most supported on this fake team by (SURPRISE!) the Green Bay defense (22.00) that got to feast on one-armed Matt Stafford and the Lions. Greatly chagrined was Detroit backup QB Daunte Culpepper, who felt that he should have played. Seriously, does anyone think the result would have been different had Daunte played? Realistically, he might have only thrown three interceptions instead of four. But, there would have been a better chance of the Packers scoring on more than one of them, because his ice cream guzzling butt wouldn't be chasing anyone down. Had Daunte not had the two career years in Minnesota with Randy Moss and Chris Carter, people would be calling JaMarcus Russell the second coming of Daunte Culpepper....and meaning it as an insult.

Stuck in the middle for yet another week are The Outlaws. We've reached the point in the season where teams in this part of the standings, this far out of first place, are like asteroids circling in the void between Mars and Jupiter. We know they are there, but they don't make us think about them unless something way out of the ordinary happens. Fittingly, Alex Smith (37.04) took snaps for them in Week 12. For the teams at the top to get bonked by an asteroid or two, this team needs the rest of the squad to play like Antonio Gates (27.90) did against Kansas City. You know, speaking of asteroids, this might be a good time for one to slam right into the center of Missouri. A few innocent people might perish, but they'll probably be glad they won't have to watch the state's NFL teams play anymore.

Missing the 100 point threshhold for the week by the tiniest of margins was The Dominator. Phillip Rivers (39.04) got a Missouri special, meaning he got to run up nice numbers in the 1st half before having to hand off for the rest of the game. The rest of the team was okay, but not great, with the exception of David Akers (14.00) who had a great week for a kicker. These guys need to put together a big week soon, otherwise it will be another second division finish. Man, who knew how angry the fake football gods would get when these guys trotted out their JV team in a show of vanity during Week 10 of season 1? They need to offer some sort of sacrifice to the fake football gods soon. Too bad the advice of Andy Rooney wasn't taken, because lopping the head off of a turkey might have been enough appeasement to get this team back on track.

Barely treading water are the Gnomies. This team has struggled big time lately, as guys like Adrian Peterson (11.15) fail to live up to expectations. It didn't help that Matt Ryan (1.80) got knocked silly early in his game. What's funny about this team is that one of it's chief decision makers, Alex, is crushing the competition in another league. I wonder how Jesse feels about this. Maybe, Alex isn't spending enough time with this team. Or, maybe the competition in the PPFFL is just miles beyond what can be found in some other league. I subscribe to the latter. I mean, it's not like we ever let good, quality players fall too far in the draft or not get drafted.

Looking to rise from the abyss are The Dragons. This team is making a major late season push behind America, or as we mere mortals like to call him, Brett Favre (52.84). How fitting that, on the weekend of one of our country's most cherished holidays, the man we equate to the excellence of our nation had such a great game. Brett Favre is America and Brett Favre is all of us. The fact that he has the Vikings sailing along at 10-1 is amazing in itself. Throw in the fact (no pun intended) that he's only chucked up three picks so far this season, and you have a real story. What happened to the reckless guy who liked to throw the ball up for grabs while "trying to make a play"? Maybe those running our country can take Favre's lead and rejuvenate this great nation of ours. Or, at least make sure that we Americans get to play most of our tough games indoors on a plush carpet.

Notes:

I haven't written it in awhile, so in case you've been missing it, Keith Olbermann is a snotty, pretentious, smug fool who needs someone like Rodney Harrison to beat him an inch from his life on national TV. Then we can turn Rodney loose on Stu Scott.
To those who thought the Raiders were included on the Thanksgiving Day schedule as a means to humiliate them in front of the whole country and many parts of the world: the Raiders didn't need that game in Dallas to experience humiliation. Although, getting drubbed by a team who had scored as frequently as a lifetime Trekkie the two games previous is pretty humiliating.
Baseball's Winter Meetings are fast approaching, meaning Giants GM Brian Sabean is preparing a list of free agents to pursue. The PPFFL league office has obtained a copy of that list (hey, we love baseball here, too). Topping it are the following names: Roger Maris, Nap Lajoie, Frank Baker, and Joe Charbonneau. Sabean apparently was listening to all of the people who thought a dead guy could produce more that Aaron Rowand, Edgar Renteria, and Randy Winn did last season.
The New Jersey Nets achieved the worst start in NBA history last night, moving to 0-18 with a loss to the Mavericks. Well done, gentlemen, well done.
The review wouldn't be complete without a Peaches reference, so here goes. Rumors that he will be appearing in the 2010 Kings dancer calender are untrue. Even though he's the world's biggest cheerleader for the Maloofs and Kings, Gavin Maloof refuted all rumors that he will be in the calendar. Which is good, because one hideously ugly redhead (if you've seen the ugly redheaded Kings dancer, then you know what I mean) in a calendar is plenty.

That's all for this week. Do great things and don't take any wooden nickels.

The Commish

2009-11-24T08:27:00.000-08:00

Tuesday Review v4.11

It's Tuesday and we are actually going to have a review of the week that was in the NFL and PPFFL for you! It's been awhile, and the league office apologizes with profusion. Let's hope that this is a sign of greater things to come with regard to the postings on this fake football website.

The Big Ragu extended his lead this week with another strong showing, while The Maestro and The Dominator made aggressive moves toward 2nd place and 5th place, respectively. Team STY really struggled and, speaking of struggling, I would be remiss to not mention how The Dragons burst through the 100 point barrier (118.20) in Week 10. My sincere apologies for not writing a review for that week.

Official Standings (Week 11):
The Big Ragu 1,394.03 (129.15)
Cyclones 1,349.41 (104.13)
The Maestro 1,266.57 (140.23)
Team STY 1,187.61 (71.69)
The Outlaws 1,175.58 (101.21)
The Dominator 1,126.21 (138.50)
Cyclones 1,066.25 (95.76)
The Dragons 946.36 (93.98)

It was a bit of a weird week in the NFL (like most weeks aren't), leading to some intense competition for this week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award. For instance, Team STY sat out T.O. (27.85) on the best day he's had all season and instead played Braylon Edwards (1.50), who hasn't done squat since punching out LeBron's personal secretary. Okay, Braylon hasn't really done squat since he joined the NFL. Also kicking himself for not playing the correct wide receiver was The Maestro, who sat Calvin Johnson (24.03) while playing Roddy White (6.25). Those mistakes with the lineup paled in comparison, though, to the one made by the Cyclones. They started Peyton Manning (25.43) against Baltimore's stout defense, while sitting Ben Roethlisberger (52.16) against the pourous defense of the Chiefs. For that, the young guys receive this week's ISWIWHPTGA.

The Big Ragu built on his lead, nearly posting the rare octuple double, with only Marques Colston (9.00) not reaching double figures for the week. Tom Brady (37.15) was his usual solid self and got some help from Vernon Davis (20.40). It's funny how Vernon has all of a sudden become a top notch tight end, when last season everyone was calling him a head case and a potential bust. Do you think it has something to do with playing under an offensive coordinator last season who didn't even know teams played with tight ends? Now, he's still probably a me-first head case, but he's being given the chance to make some plays and contribute to the offense. So, with holdout head case Michael Crabtree in the lineup with him, Niner fans should have plenty of entertainment for the next few years.

The Cyclones are doing their best to hold on and make this season an interesting one. They didn't get the usual week out of Peyton Manning, but he was picked up by Derrick Mason (19.10) and Steve Smith (17.35). The renaissance of Jake Delhomme is amazing when you think about it. First of all, it's not an overreaction to call this a renaissance because, a month ago, everyone in the NFL would have taken Jay Cutler over Delhomme (heck, Tarvaris Jackson or Rex Grossman would have been better alternatives). Now, though, Delhomme is holding onto the ball and the team is playing much better (go figure!). And, all of this happened without Steve Smith caving in someone's face in a burst of rage. That's the amazing part.

Trying to make this a three team race is The Maestro. He had his best week of the season on the arm of Aaron Rodgers (48.03) and the hands of Wes Welker (28.10). Welker had the rarity of nearly matching his QB for points and he did all of his damage without reaching the end zone. At least one of Randy Moss' paltry four catches resulted in a TD, otherwise the Pats could have had trouble on their hands. No elite NFL, prima donna, receiver wants a 5'6" whitey from Texas Tech to put up better stats than him.

Stuck in neutral is Team STY. They had another mediocre week, only getting real production from Drew Brees (35.74). The only other player to hit double figures for the week was Reggie Wayne (11.45). These guys definitely should have played T.O. If he ever finds out he was benched in favor of LeBron's arch-nemesis, he'll show up in Iowa with a space suit on, looking for a driveway on Kellogg Avenue where he can break out into some calisthenics.

Hanging tough in the middle of the pack, which is way better than past years, are The Outlaws. Kurt Warner (27.06) was leading the team to a solid week until he got knocked silly. Fortunately, DeSean Jackson (23.65) continues to dominate the league at 5'9" and about a buck sixty (joining Wes Welker in making physical specimens like Darius Heyward-Bey, Braylon Edwards and the teams who drafted them look ridiculous). Hats off to the Saints (15.00) defense, too, as they prepare to face their toughest test of the season next Monday night against New England. For all Patriots fans (whom I wish nothing but disaster upon), here's hoping that Coach B doesn't get caught up in trying to prove he's the smartest man on the planet and instead just tries to win the game.

Getting a little frisky is The Dominator. He nearly posted the biggest score of the week due to the performances of Matt Schaub (39.10) and Ricky Williams (29.90), who looked like he could handle the load without Ronnie Brown in there running the Wildcat. Larry Fitzgerald (18.35) continued to show other WRs how you are supposed to play on a weekly basis and (to use a worn out cliche) Tony Gonzalez (18.10) just did what Tony Gonzalez does. This fake team is looking good right now and when you consider that Houston is in full panic mode (meaning the gameplan will soon be 90% pass and 10% run), the prospects for further movement up the standings look good.

Residing in the land that nobody cares about are the Gnomies. Like the Travelocity mascot that they share genes with, we know they are somewhere, but we really don't care where. If Matt Ryan (32.06) had another mediocre week, would anyone in the PPFFL hear about it? Only if you check here. How about if Greg Jennings (20.30) tore up the Niners defense? Since he's on this fake team, you'll only hear about it in this space. At least we have something to talk about with the San Diego (16.00) defense. And, it's not about them, but about the Denver team they drubbed on Sunday. The Broncos are following a familiar path - get out to a fast start, then crash right into a mountain. Maybe it wasn't tanned human rat Mike Shanahan's fault after all. I could tell the team was headed for a beating on Sunday when Kyle Orton entered the game to huge applause from the home fans. Folks, if Orton is your season savior, then your season doesn't have much going for it. Although, Tarvaris Jackson is probably available for the right price (i.e. free).

That brings us to The Dragons. Like Mark McGwire, I'm not here to talk about the past, but I still have to mention that in Week 10 these guys weren't the worst. They weren't the best, either, but at least they weren't the worst. It's a sad fact of life, but every league needs a team like this. Unfortunately for much of America, the NFL has too many teams like this. So, for you fans of the Lions, Rams, Raiders, Chiefs, Browns, and Buccaneers, there's a team in this fake football league that proves every dog will have its day. And, once that day is over, it's back to suffering. Hence, the Week 11 where only Dunnavunn McNabb (33.63) and Michael Crabtree (13.85) managed to reach double digits.

Notes:

For those of you who may be new to our country, it's Thanksgiving week, so get your lineups in to the league office as soon as possible.
Speaking on Thanksgiving, Andy Rooney, the commentator on 60 Minutes (where you needn't apply for a job unless you rememer the Renaissance - and not the one involving Jake Delhomme) thinks we need to get back to the way Thanksgiving used to be celebrated. And, that includes killing your own turkey. Seriously, that's what he said on Sunday night. No more frozen birds. We all need to know how great it feels to lop the head off of a turkey, right before you pluck its feathers and roast it to a golden brown.
The NFL is giving us a glimpse of Thanksgivings to come with their Oakland @ Dallas matchup on Thursday. We all know that, come 2015 or so, Tony Romo will be suiting up in the Silver and Black. It's only natural that Al Davis (who, incidentally vigorously opposed the Renaissance) will be signing a washed up, never really was to QB his team, just because his name resonates among football fans. Romo and Al are a match that is destined to happen. Here's hoping Romo also chooses to don the white satin sweat suit as the clothing of choice when he's a Raider.
Speaking of Dallas, the Pillow Fight of the Week was, without question, Cowboys 7, Redskins 6. Without checking the schedule, the Cowboys/Raiders matchup in 48 hours is the odds-on bet to be the next PFotW.
The league office was open last night and took in most of the MNF game, which meant the whole mood of it went into the toilet when Stu Scott's gap toothed, four-eyed mug appeared on the screen for the first time. For the love of Pete, ESPN, who in the world likes seeing that buffoon? The whole "boo-yeah", re-dunk-u-lous" thing jumped the shark about 10 years ago. We want Emmitt Smith back!
Speaking of Emmitt, following last night's game, Michelle Tafoya was able to conduct an interview with a non-English speaker without the use of a translator. The interviewee was none other than Titans QB Vince Young (rimshot!). Okay, VY technically speaks English, but I dare you listen to a replay of that interview and identify what he's saying, other than the words "have fun" and "man" (which he called Michelle about 17 times in 30 seconds). I guarantee that the Titans draw plays in the turf when huddling around VY, because there's no other way anyone in the huddle (with the exception of Chris Johnson, who speaks a similar dialect of Wonderlic) would know what in the world he was saying, unless all of their plays include the words "have fun" and "man". "Man, have man, fun, man, have fun, on three. Ready....Break!"
Congratulations go out to Peaches Napear who has apparently visited a speech therapist in the offseason. Where we all expected him to pronounce the name of the new Kings rookie sensation "Ty-week" Evans, he's done a nice job of including the "r" and not sounding like Donald Duck.
Speaking of Peaches, he obviously thinks of himself as the king of all Central Valley media. Can he really be, though, when Mike Lamb stops by to help him with the show for a couple of hours a day? Having Lamb help you out is like having Kenny Natt coach your NBA team. And, how did the current schedule get adopted? Peaches for an hour, followed by both of them for two hours, then Lamb closing things out in the final hour. How about just going to a three hour show if that's all you could afford paying them? Heaven knows, Jason Ross would step in for the 6-7 hour and continue with his show until the illiterate Carmichael Dave (who was obviously hired to fulfill Americans With Disabilities Act requirements) came on. As long as Ross has been at KHTK and looking at the jobs he's done, it's obvious he's either making about $7 per hour, or he's married to the program director's daughter.
As a Sac State alum, I would be remiss if I didn't mention their big basketball win over Oregon State on Saturday night. This is the same Oregon State team coached by President Barry's brother-in-law. So, based on media predictions of the Beavers unending success following the hire of Barry's b-i-l, this is one of the greatest upsets since peach baskets were nailed to both ends of a gym. Oh, heck, it's the greatest upset in the history of man! Or, maybe not. Maybe, just maybe, assuming a position with great fanfare and promises of great things beyond our wildest imaginations (which at Oregon State would be 10 wins in the same season), but then delivering nothing but incompetence and losing is something that runs in Barry's family. Let's ask the Yemen what they think after they dupe Barry into handing over our nuclear secrets.

That's all for today, men, and let me say it feels great to be back to summarizing the world of real and fake football. Here's hoping the world of WJU doesn't get in the way anymore.

Until the next time....do great things.

The Commish

2009-11-23T10:45:00.001-08:00

Monday Memo v4.11

Sorry for the hiatus, folks, but the PPFFL league office was dragged into the nasty showdown between Larry David and Jason Alexander over who was going to play the role of George on the Seinfeld reunion show. For the record, my idea was to let Kansas coach Mark Mangino play the role for the show, but that was quickly shot down when Jerry and Kramer expressed concern over Mangino beating them to within an inch of their lives. After that, it was back to the office for another week of NFL football.

In our fake league, The Big Ragu passed the Cyclones for the lead again. Barring a career night from Chris Johnson on Monday Night Football, the Italian one will be holding the top spot at the end of Week 11.

Current Standings:
The Big Ragu 1,379.88
Cyclones 1,338.86
The Maestro 1,266.57
Team STY 1,187.61
The Outlaws 1,175.58
The Dominator 1,084.11
Gnomies 1,066.25
The Dragons 946.36

The big clash between the Texans and Titans tonight brings to us arguably the dumbest adult in America.....you all thought I was going to throw in another "Vince Young is an idiot" crack, didn't you? Although he is pretty dumb and always will be, he has the Tennessee offesne humming and the team winning again. That alone squarely puts Jeff Fisher in the idiot category for playing Kerry Collins until there was no way the Titans could salvage their season.

The game tonight showcases few players from the PPFFL, but carries a lot of importance. The Big Ragu will have Steve Slaton carrying, and hopefully holding onto, the ball tonight, while the Cyclones are countering with the red-hot Chris Johnson. Further down in the standings, The Dominator, will have Matt Schaub and the Texan defense trying to pull him closer to 5th place.

A recap of the week that was will hopefully follow tomorrow or Wednesday.....

Until then, do great things....

The Commish

2009-11-11T08:55:00.000-08:00

Weekly Review v4.8

Not much of a review this week, as other things have gotten in the way of tracking our fake football league. What I can offer, though, are the offcial PPFFL standings, at what is roughly the halfway point of the season:

Official Standings (Week 8):
The Big Ragu 1,139.58 (157.54)
Cyclones 1,105.19 (127.01)
Team STY 1,009.61 (105.17)
The Maestro 998.62 (91.07)
The Outlaws 969.47 (121.07)
Gnomies 909.35 (121.93)
The Dominator 871.69 (134.43)
The Dragons 734.23 (65.04)

Please, if you even read this stuff anymore, note that the new NFL week begins on Thursday. The Niners will be hosting the Bears on NFL Network (too bad they sacked Bryant Gumbel...his elitist, melancholy delivery was enough to put every person in America with ADHD right to sleep). Get your lineups in as soon as you can so that I can lock them up before play officially begins.

Do great things....

The Commish

2009-11-05T16:58:00.000-08:00

Week 7 Review

Not much of a review for this week, due to some academic demands. So, for what it's worth, here are the standings as of the end of play on Monday night:

Current Standings (Week 7):
The Big Ragu 982.04 (98.20)
Cyclones 978.18 (107.69)
The Maestro 907.55 (128.77)
Team STY 904.44 (120.06)
The Outlaws 838.40 (83.83)
Gnomies 787.42 (97.28)
The Dominator 737.26 (73.28)
The Dragons 669.19 (104.23)

It was a heck of a week as the top of the league saw some jockeying for position between The Big Ragu and the Cyclones. Let's hope the rest of the season gives us the same kind of excitement.

Notes:

In case you missed the announcement, Jim Nantz is getting a divorce from his wife of many years. That's right, the guy who wrote a book that in his own words, "will better the life of anyone who reads it" wasn't able to take care of his own business at home. Perhaps he should read the books that he writes and use the valuable information inside of them. Who knows, it could have saved him about $95,000 a month in alimony.
Just in case it slipped by you, JIM FREAKING NANTZ makes so much money that he can affors to pay his ex-wife over a million bucks a year in alimony. That is the latest sign that we are headed for the fall of Western Civilization.
Speaking of Western Civilization, the man who once said a Los Angeles Clippers midseason victory over a mediocre Denver Nuggets team was the greatest upset in the history of WC, has had to step away from his NBA analysis duties to deal with some health problems. Let me be the first to say that I will greatly miss Bill Walton. First, his absence means that we'll have to deal with more idiots like Jalen Rose and Greg Anthony. Secondly, the big redhead was highly entertaining if you played along with his act. Here's hoping he's in one of his teepees buring some of the highest quality medicinal plants and is on the way to a comfortable recovery.
Congratulations to the Yankees on championship #27. Congrats also to the Rams and Titans who have left the Buccaneers as the only NFL team with a chance to go o-fer the season. Vince Young is back under center for the Titans, meaning the Tennessee offensive coaches have had to break out their playbooks that are formatted as coloring books. Otherwise, the master of the Wonderlic would have no idea what plays to run out on the gridiron. Okay, he's probably drawing plays in the dirt, just to keep from confusing himself with a bunch of words and numbers that he can't spell, nor identify.
It's good to once again be able to crack on Vince Young for being stupid. If I ever want my kids to feel like geniuses, I'll have them walk onto the football team at Texas. Among that group of guys, they'll feel like Einstein and Stephen Hawking all rolled into one.
When you see the words "genius" and "Einstein" in the same paragraph you have to give a shout out to Joe Theismann and his favorite genius, "Norman" Einstein. We miss you Joe. Have yo ever thought about contacting ESPN and applying for their NBA opening?
Lastly, let's give it up to Comcast Sports California and their newest accomlishment of giving us the 4 people we would least like to see on TV together at the same time: Peaches Napear, Jerry Reynolds, Garry Gerould, and Fat Lever. In order they are: The most egotistical carrot top on earth (and New York poser); a yokel who still can't believe there is a professional sports franchise stupid enough to keep him on the payroll until he croaks; a guy so old and clueless that he has flashbacks to the War of 1812 everytime the Kings shoot off fireworks during pregame introductions; and the low budget, NBA version of Emmitt Smith (here's what the majority of Fat's analysis sounds like: duh blah, blah, duh duh duh...and that's the truth Garry!"...meaning he's the perfect partner for the G-Man). That split screen that pops up with two of them on each side is the cue to head out to the fridge or bathroom, unless you enjoy blood spurting out of your eyes and ears.

That's all for now. As Garry Gerould would say, "hitch up those horses and tell those maidens to fix you a hearty supper before you hit the sack to rest before you hit the trail tomorrow morn." He's also fond of saying, "It looks like this game is over. The Kings are flat and out of it tonight. It's 2-0 Jazz, as the Kings bring it up court for their first possession of the night."

Do great things, gentlemen.

The Commish

2009-11-02T08:45:00.000-08:00

Monday Memo v4.8

A wild week has brought some drama to all levels of the standings (with the exception of the bottom) and the excitement should continue through the game tonight. The Cyclones have temporarily taken back the top spot from The Big Ragu, but the Week 7 standings won't be set in stone until we see who wins the fake football matchup between Reggie Bush (Cyclones) and Marques Colston (The Big Ragu). That's right, here in fantasyland, players on the same real team battle against each other for supremacy in the make believe world.

Tonight's collision also carries significance in the middle of the pack, as The Maestro (Roddy White) and Team STY (Drew Brees) battle for 3rd place. The Outlaws are counting on the New Orleans defense to score big and draw them closer to the top tier of the league, while The Dominator is looking for Tony Gonzalez to push him further into the vast void that sits between the last place Dragons and everyone else in the PPFFL.

Current Standings:
Cyclones 969.43
The Big Ragu 965.79
The Maestro 889.15
Team STY 866.13
The Outlaws 833.40
Gnomies 788.77
The Dominator 726.81
The Dragons 669.19

A recap of the week that was to hopefully follow tomorrow or Wednesday. Stay tuned......

The Commish

2009-10-28T09:23:00.000-07:00

Tuesday Review v5.7

It's not Tuesday anymore, but we have something for you regarding Week 7 of the NFL season, just in time to help you clean up all of that trash that has been blowing into your front yard the past couple of days.

The top spot in our fake league has been taken over by The Big Ragu who built on his huge Week 6 with another solid week. The Patriots getting to play two of the 7 lamest teams in the NFL the past two weeks (meaning 2 of the worst teams ever) helped pull TBR from the middle of the pack to the top. The Cyclones are holding strong in 2nd place and may take the top spot back when the Patriots take Week 8 off (meaning, they'll exert much more effort than was required to beat the Titans and Buccaneers the past 2 weeks). Team STY took over 3rd place, while the bottom of the standings stayed the same. It looks like the very bottom of the standings are going to stay the same for quite some time, as The Dragons have managed to fall nearly 100 points below the 7th place team.

Current Standings (Week 7):
The Big Ragu 882.84 (146.56)
Cyclones 870.49 (126.25)
Team STY 784.38 (111.26)
The Maestro 778.78 (102.82)
The Outlaws 164.57 (109.82)
Gnomies 690.22 (112.66)
The Dominator 663.98 (86.58)
The Dragons 564.96 (58.92)

Our leaders aren't immune from criticism, so they are going to be singled out for a roster blunder in Week 7. They played Randy Moss (8.45) instead of Percy Harvin (22.80) earning themselves "The I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award". 'But, you say, Moss has been hot for the past couple of weeks, how can you sit him down?' The Patriots were playing in England, that's why. Due to his reputation, he probably had to spend a whole day trying to clear customs, especially when the drug sniffing dogs got hold of his natural scent and went bananas. Not only that, but there are many female police officers in London and we all know how Randy likes to use female cops as hood ornaments. He probably thought he was having a bad dream where the one he ran over in Minneapolis cloned herself a thousand times over and came back to exact her revenge. A guy leading a league as sophisticated as ours should have factored in all of that stuff and sat Randy in favor of Harvin.

Tom Brady (41.91) is once again carrying a team at the top of the PPFFL standings as The Big Ragu reclaimed the top spot he lost after Week 1. Brady has feasted on two of the worst defenses ever the past two weeks. That brings up something very interesting. We can't say for certain that Tennessee and Tampa Bay are even the worst teams in the league with St. Louis, Cleveland, Kansas City, Washington and the Raiders out there. Is it outlandish to think that this could be the worst year in NFL history with regard to teams who have no chance to win? Let's face it, none of those teams will be a favorite to win this season unless they are matched up against each other. I don't know the schedule offhand for the remainder of the season, but I can see a matchup similar to Indy @ St. Louis generating a line north of 30 points.

Angry at being knocked off of the perch they have become accustomed to are the Cyclones. They shouldn't get too discouraged, though, because they are still posting solid weekly scores. Peyton Manning (40.15) led the way this week against the Fightin' Finns from St. Louis High. DeAngelo Williams (17.95) did what he could when Jake Dekhomme wasn't throwing the ball to the other team. And, in what was a huge trend for the week, the Philadelphia defense (21.00) was huge in a win over Washington. In fairness to the Skins, this was the first time they faced a team this season who had already won a game. There is no way they could have anticipated and prepared for the type of mediocrity that the Eagles brought to the table.

Team STY got back into 3rd place this week behind a solid, if unspectacular game from Drew Brees (30.11) and a nice half from Reggie Wayne (17.15). They also had the Jets defense (21.00) who were playing against JaMarcus and the Mental Midgets. The Jets put things away so handily that Mark Sanchez was able to wolf down a tube steak on the sideline during the 4th quarter. That brings to mind Manny Ramirez showering after being taken out of Game 4 vs. the Phillies in the 9th inning and not watching the end of the game. If football players did that, Peyton Manning would have been showered about 10 minutes into that game against the Rams; Tom Brady could have spent the last 3 quarters against the Bucs seeing the sights of London; and all offensive players but the ones on the scout team can skip the game for whoever is playing the Raiders from week to week.

The Maestro holds steady in the top half of the standings for another week. Tony Romo (45.77) bounced off of the canvas to post a solid week. Surprise! Here's another guy who had a big game against Tampa! Wes Welker (27.30) is his name and he more than picked up the slack for Randy Moss who was busy trying to get away from every drug sniffing dog in London. Roddy White (14.50) scored another TD, but spent most of the day chasing scuds thrown by Matt Ryan.

Not giving in to trends from years past, The Outlaws are hanging in there. DeSean Jackson (22.35) was the star of the week against...let's see here...oh, that's right, the Redskins. Kurt Warner (20.47) was statistically subpar, but won the battle of crappy quarterbacking as the Cardinals beat Eli and the Giants. New Orleans (19.00) turned in another of the big defensive days of the week. They did it, though, against a Miami team that is actually pretty decent, even though their QB, Chad Henne, looked like he had placed a bet on the Saints to win and gave up 10 points in the process.

Trying to be relevant are the Gnomies. Matt Ryan (21.26) was outperformed by Romo, but that was made up for by solid games from Vincent Jackson (21.10), Adrian Peterson (16.45), and the Pittsburgh defense (21.00). Pittsburgh benefitted from Brett Favre turning the ball over at the worst possible times for the Vikings. This looks an awful lot like last season for the Jets, except that it's happening sooner. Maybe teams that sign America should treat him like the Phillies treated Pedro Martinez. Go ahead and sign him, but only play him in games where the starting temperature will be above 75 degrees. It's worked for the Phils, who will likely be rueing the decision to start Pedro in Game 2 of the World Series when it will likely be about 45 degrees, windy, and rainy.

The Dominator seems to have put last place far into his rearview mirror, even with a rather weak showing in Week 7. Matt Schaub (32.73) looked poised to put up Brady-like numbers before he succumbed to the Niners defense. Besides him, Ryan Grant (17.55) was the only other player to perform for this fake team. This is an example of how this fake league is mirroring the NFL somewhat this season. We have the powers at the top, a few teams struggling in the middle, this team and the Cyclones just trying to be competitive, and one team taking on the persona of the NFL teams mentioned many times already for being historically bad.

Which brings us to The Dragons. To paraphrase the guy in the movie "Airplane!", this was the wrong time to pick a bunch of Eagles for my fantasy team. Dunnavunn McNabb (18.87) is becoming a bit of a joke around the NFL, which is sad for me because it means that Peaches Napear can go around telling everyone that he called this 5 years ago. Brian Westbrook went out agains the Redskins after two series, not that he was needed. And, that was it for this fake team, unless you include the Arizona defense (12.00) who had the pleasure of playing against Eli, who, by the way, was called one of the 5 best QBs in football by Peaches. I don't think so, Rojo. Just because you have a radio show and get to sit with refridgerator with arms Mike Lamb every day, that doesn't mean you can brag that the QB of your favorite team is one of the 5 best in the NFL. Just like The Dragons won't be able to brag until next season that they're one of the 7 best teams in the PPFFL.

Notes:

Get your waiver claims in as soon as you can. Something tells me that Miles Austin will be getting requested a lot this week.
If the Rams, Bucs, and Tennesse don't somehow play each other (or the Raiders) there is a legitimate chance to have multiple winless teams this season. Seriously, can anyone predict right now that those teams will beat anyone and not be laughing on the inside?
So, even though the guy can suspend hoodlum players with the best of them and climb Mt. Rainier, Commissioner Goodell may be best remembered for ushering in the era of the worst teams to ever put on the pads and play in giant stadiums.
Until further notice, the Pillow Fight of the Week will be whatever game the Bills are playing in.
T.O., I miss you. I didn't know Buffalo was in a foreign country where there are no news outlets until this year.
Let's talk World Series. It should be a great matchup for everyone but Mark Shapiro, the GM of the Indians. Man, who would have thought when he was having fire sales that C.C. and Cliff Lee would be the aces of the teams meeting up to determine who the World Champs will be. Aside from that, no team that will be starting geriatric Pedro, followed by "success went to my head" Cole Hamels, and likely Joe Blanton will beat the Yankees. Sure, the teams look even on paper, but that will all change when the Yanks are blasting balls all over the Mid Atlantic region. So, with my prediction that is guaranteed to be wrong or your money back, I will pick the Yankees in 5.

That's all for now. I have to rest now because when the clock strikes 5:00 pm today, the forces of ineptitude in media will align themselves in a way that only happens every 120 years. That's right, folks, Peaches Napear and Tim McCarver will simultaneously be calling games I have an interest in watching. This phenomenon of arrogance and suckitude hasn't been experienced since 1889, when Garry Gerould was calling a covered wagon race in the Oregon Territory while Dick Stockton was busy calling an apple bobbing contest in Salem, MA. Of course, on that day, Garry kept telling everyone the wrong winner (I kid you not, after the Kings lost to Phoenix by 17 in the preseason last week, the G-Man signed off of his broadcast by saying "I'll throw it back to you Jason (Ross) after this solid road win by the Kings.") and Dick mistakenly pronounced that everyone in the contest was a witch, leading to a massive bonfire and lots of people being burned at the stake.

So, unlike our clueless media friends, do great things....

The Commish

2009-10-26T10:57:00.000-07:00

Monday Memo v5.7

There will be a change at the top of the standings when Week 7 officially ends tonight, following the snooze-fest between the Eagles and Redskins. The Big Ragu put together another solid week and passed the Cyclones, who had been leading since Week 2.

Current Standings:
The Big Ragu 882.84
Cyclones 849.49
Team STY 781.33
The Maestro 778.78
The Outlaws 720.72
Gnomies 690.22
The Dominator 650.83
The Dragons 537.74

The Dragons will have some guys playing tonight, as will The Outlaws, but we won't get too in-depth with the analysis. Let's face it, when you pit a Redskins team that has gone 2-4 so far against winless teams and an Eagles team that somehow managed to lose to the Raiders (point shaving investigation, anyone?) it's best to not talk about it very much.

More to come on Week 7 tomorrow or Wednesday.

The Commish

2009-10-19T10:38:00.000-07:00

Monday Memo v5.6

The Big Ragu decided to make things interesting by dropping a PPFFL record on us this week, thus drawing themselves significantly closer to the frontrunning Cyclones. Tom Brady's touch football throwing exhibition against woeful Tennessee gives us an actual battle for first place as we pass the 1/3 point in the season. The rest of the standings remained unchanged, with the exception of The Outlaws dropping a couple of places.

Current Standings:
Cyclones 744.24
The Big Ragu 736.28
The Maestro 673.81
Team STY 654.12
The Outlaws 623.25
Gnomies 577.56
The Dominator 554.37
The Dragons 506.04

Tonights Monday night collision between Denver and San Diego will be closely watched by the PPFFL. The Maestro has Knowshown Moreno toting the ball for him while Team STY will be pulling for the Denver defense. The Outlaws will be looking for Darren Sproles and Antonio Gates to salvage the week for their fake team. And, The Dominator is hoping Phillip Rivers vaults him into 6th place by night's end.

More to come on Week 6 tomorrow.....

2009-10-13T11:12:00.002-07:00

Tuesday Review v4.5

An exciting week across the NFL (except for here in Northern California) brought with it some changes in the PPFFL. The Cyclones remained at the top and extended their lead, as Team STY fell on some hard times. That fall, though, leaves us with a dogpile behind our leaders, ad four teams are within 24 points of each other. Further down the standings, The Dominator is no longer supporting the whole league on his shoulders, as the season's worst week was turned in by The Dragons, who subsequently took over residence in the cellar.

Official Standings (Week 5):
Cyclones 619.55 (108.38)
The Outlaws 551.58 (109.29)
The Maestro 540.25 (109.57)
Team STY 534.59 (84.67)
The Big Ragu 527.03 (114.75)
Gnomies 479.61 (107.98)
The Dominator 477.52 (122.72)
The Dragons 427.56 (63.24)

This week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award goes to The Dragons, for their decision to keep Pfc. Kellen Winslow, Jr. (29.10) on the bench in favor of Jason Witten (7.35). This designation might be a little harsh, because nobody saw Winslow's performance coming, but we have to give it to Dave for his loyalty to "The Soldier". Every year, Winslow is a Dragon and every year he disappoints (see C. Portis and T. Dominator). For this one week, though, he came through as the man who puts up stats when a crappy team loses (the Raiders are still searching for who that will be for them....hopefully they find someone before the season ends, otherwise they might not crack double figures the rest of the way). We learned a couple of things from this error in judgement. First, never count out a guy who declared himself the toughest guy on earth while in college, then missed a whole NFL season because he wrecked on his motorcycle. Second, never forget that Tony Romo (as pointed out so eloquently by T.O. last season) can only throw to one person at a time....and that tendency usually last for weeks. Jason Witten is out of luck when it comes to getting balls thrown to him, unless he can break Romo up from his new BFF, Miles Austin. Until then, he's relegated to a couple of catches per game and doing postgame interviews dressed as the cab driver from Lazy Town.

Our leaders scored about the same as half of the other teams in the league, but saw their closest competitors take the gas pipe. That leaves the Cyclones with their biggest lead of the season at the 5/17th mark. They were sweating things a little bit when the afternoon games ended, but then it was time for Peyton Manning (57.18) to take the field. He singlehandedly kpet these guys from being within striking range of the rest of our fake league. He's making a strong push to be the PPFFL MVP, something he surprisingly hasn't done in our brief history. God save the rest of the NFL, because Peyton's going to tear up the league trying to win that award for the first time.

Moving to their highest point in the standings since the advent of bread are The Outlaws. Kurt Warner (41.24) and Joseph Addai (20.00) led the way as their fake team reached heights that last season seemed unthinkable. One constant for this team in the past, the roster move, is not as present this season, leaving us to conclude one of two things. Taking Antonio Bryant in the first round wasn't indicative of the quality of the rest of Bob's draft; or, being a little more patient, especially early in the season, might be a solid way to gain firm footing in the standings. Somewhere, though, due to all of this newfound patience, Larry Johnson (the KC Chief, not Grandmama) is weeping, knowing he won't be jumping on and off the Larry Johnson Waiver Express any time soon.

Keeping pace with The Outlaws (they literally scored almost the exact same amount of points for the second week in a row) is The Maestro. Roddy White (33.50) and Tony Romo (33.23) carried this team. In fact, after watching White chase down idiot Dre Bly and strip him of the ball after an interception, the League Office is looking into adding another scoring category for our fake league next season. It will be called something along the lines of "Chasing down an idiot, showboating, me-first DB and taking the ball back after he makes a nice play, then decides to ruin it for his team by trying to place all of the attention on himself." Or, maybe we could call it the Don Beebe. Either way, I think something along the lines of 4 points for what White did on Sunday is more than reasonable.

Exceeded in futility in Week 5 by only The Dragons was Team STY. The Lazarus-like return of Tim Hasselbeck to the Seahwaks lineup meant that this fake team's starting QB, Seneca Wallace (-0.15) was relegated to trick play status for the week. I give credit to a guy, though, who is willing to play someone from their hometown who, through their collegiate travels, ended up playing in the cold, windy, snowy, and icy town said guy now lives (and, even made an always lame college team semi-relevant for a couple of years). I may be more compassionate than the rest of you towards guys who play Sacramento area players though, because I'm the guy that trotted J.T. O'Sullivan out there a couple of times last season.

On the bottom of the dogpile for second place is The Big Ragu. Michael Turner (22.85) and the Minnesota defense (20.00) were this team's standouts for the week, closely followed by Lawrence Tynes (14.00). Funny thing about Tynes....first, he was bound to score a lot of points, as his team was playing the Raiders. Second, he was assigned to TBR, when Carmine sent in a blank lineup for the week. Since the League Office is always there to help out whenever necessary, efforts were made to contact our newest owner. When no contact could be established, TLO had no choice other than to substitute a kicker for Nate Kaeding, who had the week off. In stepped Mr. Tynes, who had a monster day for a kicker. The moral of the story is this: The Commish has done a better job picking players for other teams this season (see D. Brees) than he has for his own.

Heading the pack of bottom feeders are the Gnomies. Struggle has been their middle name since about Week 12 of last season. This week, they were led by Matt Ryan (42.73) who tore up the Niners and gave them a little dose of humility on the field at Candlestick. He and Roddy White pointed out that, not only is Dre Bly a slow idiot, but that Nate Clements can't cover anyone who: is under the age of 38; or who attended a D-1 or D1A college. The television in the League Office stayed tuned to this game until the end with the hopes of seeing both Bly and Clements being chased toward the locker room mid-game by an enraged Mike Singletary. Needless to say, we were all disappointed that it never happened.

Making a Hasselbeck-like ascent was The Dominator. He was the high scorer for the week, all while zooming his way across Nevada, Utah, and parts of Wyoming. It was a team effort for the Travelin' Man, who was led by Matt Schaub (48.17). T.J. Houshmanzadeh (20.85), Hines Ward (17.25), and everyone's favorite personalities, Clinton Portis (17.70). Maybe this fake team is trying to reverse their course of the inagural season, where they started out hot, led the league for the first half, then tanked it the rest of the way. If they change things up and do things the opposite way, maybe they can finish near the side of the standings we are all pining for.

Staying with the theme of the inagural season, The Dragons are back in last place. Let's face it, Week 5 was painful. Only a late TD by the Arizona defense (10.00) kept this fake team from having only Brett Favre (24.54) in double figures for the week. We all know Brett Favre can carry a team, but putting that much pressure on him is ridiculous. Come on, now, would America (our best example of a comparison to Brett Favre) ever go to war in a cesspool like the Middle East without some help from other nations? Would America ever elect back to back Presidents who wouldn't even be successful running the local Jiffy Lube? Would America ever let people who want to destroy our country walk right across the border without asking for identification and asking a few questions? Oh, that's right, America does all of those things. If Favre truly is America, it looks like it could be a long year for this fake football team.

Notes:

To paraphrase the schmo who covers the Raiders for the Bee and give him credit for a great line, maybe it is time for Tom Cable to walk into the Napa Police Station and confess to everything that he did to Randy Hansen. Jail couldn't possibly be any worse than coaching that mess.
In keeping with Hispanic Heritage month (evidenced by the show put on by the NFL and President Barry last night in Miami), the rest of the games this month for the following teams will be announced in Spanish only: Kansas City, St. Louis, Cleveland, Oakland, Jacksonville, Tampa Bay, Washington, Detroit, and Buffalo. Not understanding what is being described will likely ease the pain a little for the fans of these teams. And, for those Spanish speakers who tune into the games, let's hope that the putrid play from these teams makes those listeners who are here illegally flee back to their home countries, never to return.
The preceeding in no way was endorsed by Keith Olbermann. In fact, if Olbermann had his way, all NFL games would be announced in Arabic.
Apologies for the past two paragraphs. Sean Hannity snuck into the League Office and penned the last two entries. Since I'm not here to silence anyone (Dick Stockton and Mike Lamb are frequent contributors, for crying out loud), I'll leave everything as it is.
One more reference to Football Night in America, and it has nothing to do with the lack of height given to Bob Costas. It is no wonder everyone in the NFL hated Rodney Harrison. He's been on FNIA for barely a month and I would guess that 90% of America already hates him, too. In all honesty, I tuned in to Week 1's FNIA late and hated the guy before I even knew who he was.
Tony Dungy, on the other hand, is a swell guy. And, smart, too. We all knew Ron Mexico and the Raiders were a match that we all wanted to see. It turns out that Mr. Dungy steered Senor Mexico away from Oaktown. Although it would have been great entertainment for America (and Brett Favre), the whole thing might have ended in a tragedy that nobody really wanted to see. Seriously. Think about it. Ron Mexico in Oakland. Right after being released from jail. The point was to make things easier on the guy, not harder.
Finally, in case I really needed to point it out, the Pillow Fight of the Week was Buffalo 6, Cleveland 3. If the first 5 weeks are any indication, it will be tougher than ever to pick the Pillow Fight of the Year.

With that, I'm out of here for another week. Be safe and don't take any wooden nickels.

The Commish

2009-10-06T13:42:00.000-07:00

Week 5 Schedule

SUN, OCT 11

Cleveland at Buffalo
10:00 AM

Dallas at Kansas City
10:00 AM

Minnesota at St. Louis
10:00 AM

Oakland at NY Giants
10:00 AM

Tampa Bay at Philadelphia
10:00 AM

Pittsburgh at Detroit
10:00 AM

Washington at Carolina
10:00 AM

Cincinnati at Baltimore
10:00 AM

Atlanta at San Francisco
1:05 PM

Jacksonville at Seattle
1:15 PM

Houston at Arizona
1:15 PM

New England at Denver
1:15 PM

Indianapolis at Tennessee
5:20 PM

MON, OCT 12

NY Jets at Miami
5:30 PM

Bye: Chicago, Green Bay, New Orleans, San Diego

2009-10-06T13:35:00.000-07:00

Tuesday Update v4.4

No comprehensive review today, although there may be one tomorrow. Instead, we will have a quick overview of the week that was, including our current standings....

The Cyclones are threatening to run away and hide right now, as they are leading second place Team STY by over 60 points. The majority of this cushion was supplied by the San Francisco defense (39.00), which was picked up to replace the bye-enjoying Philadelphia defense.

The standings stayed the same as they were at the end of Week 3, however there was a little movement at the bottom, as The Dominator had a nice week to close in on seventh place.

Official Standings (Week 4):
Cyclones 511.17 (135.51)
Team STY 449.92 (91.30)
The Outlaws 442.29 (108.28)
The Maestro 430.68 (108.88)
The Big Ragu 412.28 (93.81)
Gnomies 371.63 (82.72)
The Dragons 364.32 (81.12)
The Dominator 354.80 (100.18)

More to follow (hopefully) tomorrow.....

The Commish

2009-09-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

Tuesday Review v4.3

Here we are, back for a comprehensive review of the week that was in the PPFFL. So we're posting a day late? At least something is getting posted this week besides the standings.

It was a down week, as only two teams managed to crack the 100 point mark. One of them was the Cyclones, who extended their early lead. The other was our league's big mover of the week: The Outlaws. This is the best start the lawless ones have been off to in recent memory. Comparing seasons to train robberies, this season is like robbing the Orient Express for them, while seasons past would have been like sticking up the patrons on the train at Funderland.

Even with the early success, The Outlaws aren't immune from a little criticism. Their top pick in the draft, Antonio Bryant (1.30) has been a bit of a bust so far. It's tough to remove that #1 guy from the lineup early in the season, though. That's why Santana Moss (27.90) was on the bench in Week 3, costing his fake team a spot in 2nd place and earning his fake owner the "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award for Week 3.

Official Standings (Week 3):
Cyclones 375.66 (101.33)
Team STY 358.62 (84.74)
The Outlaws 334.01 (110.69)
The Maestro 321.80 (95.25)
The Big Ragu 318.47 (97.04)
Gnomies 288.91 (69.98)
The Dragons 283.20 (86.22)
The Dominator 254.62 (78.26)

In a fake league dominated by quarterbacks, the Cyclones got one of the only great weeks from one. Peyton Manning (51.03) torched the Cardinals in the desert on Sunday night, hooking up frequently with Dallas Clark (16.45). That was about it for this fake team, as David Akers (10.00) was the only other starter to give any measurable production. It was enough to keep this team on top of the standings, though, as we once again see that a great QB can cover up a lot of holes on your roster.

Hanging tough is Team STY. Drew Brees (11.34) had his first off week of the season. Fortunately, Reggie Wayne (22.30) was inserted into the lineup this week for the trip to Arizona. Steven Jackson (14.15) was solid for his real team that nobody cares about. Honestly, if the Rams, Chiefs, and Browns all went away, would most of America notice? Other than to realize that there would suddenly be no teams left in the league that the Raiders might be able to beat?

Firing their six shooters in the air are The Outlaws. They were the big risers this week, as Kurt Warner (30.64) got to play from behind all night. DeSean Jackson (22.45) continued to play like an elite receiver. Joseph Addai (12.55), stop me if you've heard this before, got to run around untouched in Arizona on Sunday night. Throw in the Baltimore defense (17.00) and you have yourself a pretty nice fantasy week on a day when most others struggled.

The Maestro dropped a place this week, and it could have been worse if not for the play of Pocket Hercules, Maurice Jones-Drew (32.35). Tony Romo (22.70) did everything but actually throw the ball to someone while they were in the end zone. It must be mentioned that Sebastian Janikowski (4.00) was the only Raider to show up, according to J.T. the Brick. If J.T. is giving up on the Raiders, then their situation is more dire than anyone ever could imagine.

Staying within shouting distance of the top is The Big Ragu. Tom Brady (28.04) was okay, helping this fake team by throwing to Randy Moss (18.80) frequently. Let's give some props to Kevin Smith (11.95), too. He had a decent game on Sunday, but that's not the point. The point is that the Lions finally won a game after dropping the last 19 that they played. Based on what we hear on the radio locally when the Raiders win, I can confidently say that talk radio shows in Michigan are ablaze with talk of the Lions winning the NFC North.

The Gnomies are next, leading the way for the less than inspiring teams of the PPFFL. Matt Ryan (15.43) was their top scorer for the week, which explains why this team is perilously close to being a full 100 points back in the standings. Adrian Peterson (6.95) couldn't pull all the weight this week, as his arch nemesis, Patrick Willis, pushed him into another mediocre performance against the Niners. Greg Olsen (13.20) had a nice game, meaning that, at least for a week, Jay Cutler remembered which team he was supposed to throw the ball to.

Brett Favre's (32.07) fake team might be next to last in the standings, but they are #1 in all of our hearts. The Dragons have experienced rough sailing so far, but we're all pulling for them because of #4 being on the roster. As Chris Berman famously said, "Rooting for Brett Favre is like rooting for America". And, I like rooting for America. This fake team is just like America in other ways, too. For instance, the Arizona defense (1.00) protects its goal line in much the same way that our federal government protects our southern border. No matter where you are in Arizona, it seems like someone is sprinting across a line and dancing like there's no tomorrow.

The Dominator spent some time back east, which seems to have motivated Jerricho Cotchery (23.25) of the suddenly invincible Jets. If the Big Guy wants to save his fantasy football season, he might also have to make trips to Washington (Clinton Portis [3.40]), Green Bay (Ryan Grant [6.20]), and Atlanta (Tony Gonzalez [1.80]) to motivate a few of his other players. If there's a team that needs some tough love, this is it.

Notes:

Get those rosters and waiver claims in as soon as you can.
The league office took a road trip to Rohnert Park this past Sunday, so football viewing was kept to a minimum. Because of that, there will be no cutting on NBC's Football Night in America. I'm sure it was as stupid as usual with Olbermann at the controls, but I cannot comment on what I did not see.
In case you haven't heard, J.T. the Brick is appalled at the way the Raiders mailed in their effort on Sunday. He also believed that the game against Denver (#3 of 16, by the way) had serious playoff implications. So, if you're following at home, J.T. is not only delusional, but he's also reached the point where he can't find something positive to say about the Silver and Black. In other news, the earth will now fly right off of its axis.

That's about it for now. Here's hoping there will be more time for football viewing this weekend. If there is, this space will be filled up with comments, quotes, and observations this time next week. Until then, don't take any wooden nickels.

The Commish

2009-09-28T12:30:00.000-07:00

Monday Memo v4.3

On the day that the Lions won for the first time since the Bush administration, our defending champs put a little more distance between themselves and the rest of the league. Joining the Lions in rebirth are The Outlaws who are sitting at their highest point in the standings in what seems like forever.

Current Standings:
Cyclones 364.06
Team STY 358.62
The Outlaws 334.01
The Big Ragu 318.47
The Maestro 292.40
Gnomies 288.91
The Dragons 262.60
The Dominator 254.62

Monday Night Football brings with it the potential for the Cyclones to pad their lead. They will have DeAngelo Williams and Steve Smith taking the field, so they could be racking up even more points if Jake Delhomme can get his act together. The Maestro will have Tony Romo and Felix Jones trying to get him back into the mix near the top of the standings. And, The Dragons hope that Roy Williams and Jason Witten will help them get a little further away from last place. Tony Dorsett won't be holding his breath.

Before I go, I have to mention that J.T. the Brick was absolutely flummoxed yestrday at the effort the Raiders put forth against Denver. How could they, he wondered, come out and put up only 3 points in a game with early playoff implications?

Well, 3 points are about the limit for that offense. And, believing that the Raiders are playing in a game with playoff implications suggests that J.T. has some sort of mental illness.

More on Week 3 to follow tomorrow.....

The Commish

2009-09-26T14:40:00.000-07:00

Week 3 Transactions

The Outlaws waive Glen Coffee (RB - San Francisco) and acquire Cedric Benson (RB - Cincinnati)
The Outlaws waive Chad Ochocinco (WR - Cincinnati ) and acquire Mario Manningham (WR - New York Giants)

The Maestro waives the San Diego defense and acquires the New York Giants defense

2009-09-23T11:31:00.001-07:00

Tuesday Review v4.2

Apologies for this being late. It also won't be as comprehensive as usual. The economy has forced the league office to cut back a little, with the ax falling this week on some unfortunate staff members. It's up to you guys to help turn this around by cutting back on your consumption of fossil fuels, otherwise more people might be shown the door. Or, maybe we can set up some kind of illegal operation and have Acorn launder the money for us.

The defending champs have taken the top spot in the standings back after one week looking up at our league's newby. A solid weeek led by Chris Johnson (44.20) has pushed the Cyclones back to the top. Team STY is only a fraction of a point behind, though. Whoever drafted that team sure knows what he's doing.

Official Standings (Week 2):
Cyclones 274.33 (153.96)
Team STY 273.88 (155.27)
The Maestro 226.55 (115.12)
The Outlaws 223.32 (116.61)
The Big Ragu 221.43 (94.72)
Gnomies 217.93 (95.25)
The Dragons 196.98 (101.30)
The Dominator 176.36 (88.97)

Due to time constraints, there will be no individual team summaries this week. It must be pointed out, though, that the other six teams better close the gap on the top two, otherwise the season might only be fun for two of us.

Some quick notes:

Week 3 lineups and waiver requests need to be in by Friday.
You might be surprised, but the Pillow Fight of the Week wasn't Oakland 13 Kansas City 10, it was the even more horriffic Washington 9 St. Louis 7. If there is ever a week when the Missouri teams play each other while the Ohio teams are playing each other, the earth will spin right off of its axis.
Nutrasystem seems to be helping Chris Berman, because he is definitely looking slimmer. His hair is also growing back, too. Or, maybe he's been in to see Dr. Rosinelli, too.

Have a great week....I promise to do better with the review next week.

The Commish

2009-09-21T10:33:00.001-07:00

Monday Review v4.2

A wild week in the NFL led to some jockeying for position among the top teams in the PPFFL. Team STY sits atop the standings right now, primarily due to the arm of Drew Brees. Other teams are looking to close some ground tonight, when the Colts travel to the Landshark to face the Dolphins. The team with the best chance to take over the top spot at the end of this week is the Cyclones, who have yet to have their quarterback take the field.

Current Standings:
Team STY 252.08
The Maestro 226.55
The Big Ragu 221.43
The Outlaws 220.37
Cyclones 218.47
Gnomies 206.93
The Dragons 196.98
The Dominator 175.36

Tonight's game figures to shake up our standings a little bit. Ronnie Brown will be running for Team STY, while The Outlaws will be represented by his counterpart, Joseph Addai. The Cyclones hope Peyton Manning and Dallas Clark will lead them toward the top of the standings. The Gnomies and The Dominator, meanwhile, will be pulling for Adam Vinatieri and the Miami defense, repsectively, to put forth incredible efforts that aren't common for a kicker or defense.

More on Week 2 tomorrow, or early on Wednesday. The league office will be closed tomorrow morning while its staff is busy working on some continuing education. This is a first class operation and we here at the PPFFL Headquarters will never stop trying to learn.

The Commish

2009-09-19T17:04:00.000-07:00

Week 2 Starting Lineups

The Big Ragu
QB: Tom Brady - NE
RB: Michael Turner - Atl
RB: Ray Rice - Bal
WR: Randy Moss - NE
WR: Marques Colston - NO
TE: Visanthe Shiancoe - Min
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: Minnesota

Gnomies
QB: Matt Ryan - Atl
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
RB: Tim Hightower - Ari
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
TE: Greg Olsen - Chi
K: Adam Vinatieri - Ind
D: Pittsburgh

Cyclones
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind
RB: DeAngelo Williams - Car
RB: Chris Johnson - Ten
WR: Steve Smith - Car
WR: Dwayne Bowe - KC
TE: Dallas Clark - Ind
K: David Akers - Phi
D: Philadelphia

Team STY
QB: Drew Brees - NO
RB: Ronnie Brown - Mia
RB: Steven Jackson - StL
WR: Andre Johnson - Hou
WR: Terrell Owens - Buf
TE: Chris Cooley - Was
K: Rob Bironas - Ten
D: Green Bay

The Maestro
QB: Aaron Rodgers - GB
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jac
RB: Frank Gore - SF
WR: Roddy White - Atl
WR: Calvin Johnson - Det
TE: John Carlson - Sea
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: San Diego

The Outlaws
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: Joseph Addai - Ind
RB: Darren Sproles - SD
WR: Antonio Bryant - TB
WR: DeSean Jackson - Phi
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Mason Crosby - GB
D: Baltimore

The Dragons
QB: Brett Favre - America
RB: Matt Forte - Chi
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
WR: Roy Williams - Dal
WR: Devin Hester - Chi
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: Arizona

The Dominator
QB: Phillip Rivers - SD
RB: Clinton POrtis - Was
RB: Willie Parker - Pit
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
WR: T.J. Houshmanzadeh - Sea
TE: Tony Gonzalez - Atl
K: Neil Rackers - Ari
D: Miami

2009-09-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

Week 2 Schedule

SUN, SEP 20

Carolina at Atlanta
10:00 AM

Minnesota at Detroit
10:00 AM

Cincinnati at Green Bay
10:00 AM

Houston at Tennessee
10:00 AM

Oakland at Kansas City
10:00 AM

New England at NY Jets
10:00 AM

New Orleans at Philadelphia
10:00 AM

St. Louis at Washington
10:00 AM

Arizona at Jacksonville
10:00 AM

Tampa Bay at Buffalo
1:05 PM

Seattle at San Francisco
1:05 PM

Pittsburgh at Chicago
1:15 PM

Baltimore at San Diego
1:15 PM

Cleveland at Denver
1:15 PM

NY Giants at Dallas
5:20 PM

MON, SEP 21

Indianapolis at Miami
5:30 PM

2009-09-15T09:52:00.000-07:00

Tuesday Review v4.1

The first week is in the books and our newest member stands at the top of the standings. Following a season in which a brand new team won the championship, we see once again that the longer you play fantasy football, the dumber you get.

On the real gridiron, it was proven again that a player's time can be short, as a few big names came down with varying degrees of injury. Dunnavunn McNabb suffered a broken rib, but vowed not to miss any time (Andy Reid still found it necessary to sign Jeff Garcia, no doubt making Kevin Kolb feel really good about himself). Troy Polamalu injured a knee ligament, but will likely only miss about 5 weeks. Not so fortunate was Brian Urlacher, who busted up his wrist and will miss the remainder of the season.

In our fake league, there were no injuries to report from Week 1, meaning we're all getting better at sitting on the couch and not falling off when stretching to reach for the remote control.

Official Standings:
The Big Ragu 126.71
Gnomies 122.68
Cyclones 120.37
Team STY 118.61
The Maestro 111.43
The Outlaws 106.71
The Dragons 95.68
The Dominator 87.39

It appears that, with a greater number of teams, there is less of a chance for a star player to be left on the bench while someone inferior plays in his stead. Looking over the results of this week, there was only one real case where someone messed up by not playing someone. That's why Team STY takes home the "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award for Week 1 of our 4th season. They left Reggie Wayne (27.10) on the bench while Terrell Owens (4.30) pretended to be invisible against New England. Had Wayne been in the lineup, his fake team would be in first place and the intelligence of our league mainstays would not be under so much scrutiny right now.

Providing more evidence that a bunch of Polocks can be had when playing fantasy football, The Big Ragu broke out on top after one week. The arm of Tom Brady (53.01) and the hands of Randy Moss (22.05) were most responsible. How this guy was able to draft both of those players is reason why the rest of us are who we are. Heck, it was only two seasons ago that the team who drafted both of these guys won the league by about 1,975 points. Maybe we'll all catch on next season. In addition to those two, Kevin Smith (16.60) put up some good numbers, proving again that someone has to put up stats on bad teams.

Not far behind are the Gnomies. Adrian Peterson (31.90) lived up to the hype of being the #1 pick in the draft, casually throwing tacklers to the side all day in Cleveland. Browns fans probably can't wait for the weather to turn cold so that they can start throwing snowballs at Cleveland's wimpy defensive players. Matt Ryan (31.38) was solid, although not spectacular, while Greg Jennings (22.30) would have had huge numbers had Aaron Rodgers not overthrown him a half dozen times. And, this isn't a misprint, Willis McGahee (19.75) was very good as the Ravens opened up their offense and put up over 30 points on Sunday. It doesn't look like Baltimore is playing its games on a field that is 180 yards long anymore.

The defending champion Cyclones slide comfortably into 3rd place this week, on the strength of Peyton Manning (35.82) and the Philadelphia (35.00) defense. Their place is tenuous, though, because we've seen in the past that teams carried by their defense usually settle toward the bottom of the standings. DeAngelo Williams (13.95) didn't put up the types of numbers he did toward the end of last season, but, in all fairness, his QB was busy trying to become the first player ever to personally turn the ball over 10 times in one game. It will be interesting to see what this fake team does over the next couple of weeks, particularly if their defense doesn't get to face a team led by someone nicknamed "The Snake".

Possessing the early leader for 2009 PPFFL MVP, Team STY settles into the top half of the standings. Drew Brees (66.16) had one of the best weeks ever recorded in this league, illusrating the savvy of the guy who drafted this fake team. He was joined by just about nobody when it came to putting up numbers on Sunday, as Chris Cooley (16.40) and the Green Bay defense (14.00) were the only others on his squad to reach double figures. Terrell Owens (4.30) was the biggest disappointment, particularly since he said the best thing about being in Buffalo was being a Bill. Someone needs to tell him that he actually needs to catch a few passes before the fans will be feeling as good about him wearing the red, white, and blue.

Heading up the bottom half of the standings is The Maestro. It was a decent week, as nobody in the lineup really stunk; but nobody really excelled, either. John Carlson (22.75) was the biggest surprise of the week, as he had a huge game for a guy taken in the 14th round. Aaron Rodgers (23.53) could have had a tremendous performance, but overthrew a handful of open receivers down the field. Maurice Jones-Drew (17.15) and Frank Gore (17.40) put up some decent numbers while their teams struggled a little, so there is potential for this fake team to make a move in the coming weeks. Or, maybe not. Because these guys could just as likely all go into the tank.

Reversing their trend of falling hundreds of points behind in the first couple of weeks was The Outlaws. Cracking the century mark isn't something these guys usually do until around Halloween. The game that ended late last night is what propelled them into this rarified air. Darren Sproles (26.30) saved the Bolts from losing to Oakland for the first time since before half of our league owners were born. Kurt Warner (24.56) wasn't great, but has room to grow. DeSean Jackson (18.40) helped prove that not only does Carolina have a rotten offense, but their special teams stink, too.

Narrowly missing the century mark was The Dragons. They were done in by the rib injury to Dunnavunn McNabb (24.93). Fortunately, they were picked up a little by Devin Hester (16.55), Roy Williams (13.30), and Brian Westbrook (12.60). It can't be overlooked that the worst performer of all 1st round picks from our draft was Matt Forte (2.75). And, that's saying something when you consider what Antonio Bryant (3.45) did over the weekend. Hopefully for this team, Forte turns things around and doesn't turn into a blunder that will haunt his fake owner for the whole season.

Bringing up the rear is The Dominator. Loyalty only takes you so far in football, real and fake, as evidenced by the performances of some of his favorite players over the years: Clinton Portis (4.60), Willie Parker (2.20), and the Miami (3.00) defense. Fortunately, guys like Tony Gonzalez (14.65), Larry Fitzgerald (15.55), and Neil Rackers (12.00) were picking up the slack, otherwise this could have been a disasterous week. Maybe Clilnton will show up sporting the personality of the guy who can actually run the football effectively this weekend and help bring this team up from the bottom.

Notes:

Transactions will be carried out in reverse order of the standings, so The Dominator gets first crack and The Big Ragu gets last.
It's great to read in the Sacramento Bee today that the Raiders once again are cultivating a celebrity following...if you're talking about people you recognize but don't know their names. Ice Cube stopped being famous about ten years ago, Guy Fieri is a Food Network celebrity (and, thus unknown to most football followers), and (could the Bee columnist have been serious?) the Sacramento Monarchs are about as well known as the secret formula for the Krabby Patty. Seriously, if you want to make it sound like your favorite football team is becoming relevant again because of the celebrities that are attending games, leave out the part about the WNBA players being there.
Al Davis, if he wasn't before, is really slipping. A few years ago, the employee in charge of handing out the field passes would have been fired for simply thinking it was a good idea to give a few to some WNBA players.
Staying in the AFC West, if Week 1 is an indication, that division is home to the worst collection of QBs in the league, and possibly in the history of professional football. The cream of the crop, Phillip Rivers, looked horrible against what has been one of the league's worst defenses. JaMarcus Russell was even worse than Rivers last night, if that's possible. Steve Young summed it up when, during a discussion of how important it was for a QB to be accurate with his throws, he said, "Accuracy isn't really something you can work on once you're in the NFL. It's kind of like something you're born with." Apparently, when deciding whether or not to take JaMarcus with the first pick a couple of years ago, the Raiders braintrust didn't get the copy of his birth certificate that said, "wasn't born with the throwing accuracy gene". Moving on through the division, we reach Kansas City and Brody Croyle, who has lost the last 9 games he's started by two touchdowns or more. I'm nearly 40 and my shoulder is shot, but I think there might be a place for me in the NFL. Kansas City, here I come! Rounding our the crappy AFC West QBs is Kyle Orton. The name Kyle Orton is destined to one day mean "Horrible Quarterback" in the American lexicon. I can't imagine anyone being worse at their profession, with the exception of the Iraqui public information officer who talked of how well their army was doing while, in the background of his live shot, American tanks were rolling into Baghdad.
To prove the contamination of the AFC West for QBs, look to Chicago, where Jay Cutler can't seem to get the stink off of him. He was Orton-esque on Sunday night, throwing balls like he was a player at Toledo (the team mired in the point shaving scandal a couple of years ago). With his bowl haircut and obnoxious persona, let's hope that Cutler makes everyone in Chicago soon wish they were back in the days of Rex Grossman.

Well, that about wraps things up for Week 1. In the coming weeks we will be bursting with more information, particularly on some of the media, national and local. Because, what's a good website without someone busting on Peaches Naper occasionally?

Get your lineups in and remember our mantra:

Do great things.

The Commish

2009-09-14T09:52:00.000-07:00

Monday Memo v4.1

We've reached the first Monday in the season and it has been all that we expected. The Lions still can't win, Jake Delhomme still can't hold onto the ball, and trading your crummy quarterback for another quarterback doesn't help you if the guy you got in return is bad, too (see the Cutler for Orton deal).

It was also time for another year of Football Night in America, the weekly cavalcade of semi-stars trotted out by NBC. It was great this week to see Bob Costas on location at Lambeau, interviewing Roger Goodell. The Commissioner, reputed to be a man of better than average build, no doubt was asked to sit on a stool similar to those used by the Ball Dudes at AT&T Park. This is so he would be able to look Costas in the eye during the interview and not have to look straight down to see the diminutive one.

Current Standings:
Gnomies 122.68
Cyclones 120.37
Team STY 114.31
The Dragons 95.68
The Maestro 95.43
The Outlaws 71.26
The Dominator 60.40
The Big Ragu 44.65

There will be a lot of action in the PPFFL tonight, as our teams jockey for position. Team STY will be looking for Terrell Owens to have a big opening week for the Bills. If he does, they should vault into the lead at the 1/17th point of the season. The Maestro will be hoping for a score resembling 45-12 in Oakland, where Sebastian Janikowski kicks 4 fifty yarders while the Charger defense is busy turning Oakland giveaways into touchdowns. The Outlaws are hoping the Raider defense will be as pourous as usual, as they send Darren Sproles and Antonio Gates out onto the gridiron. The Dominator will be hoping that Oakland keeps it close for awhile so that Phillip Rivers can continue throwing the ball into the second half. And, the guy looking to make the biggest move will be The Big Ragu. If things go the way they did on 2007, he'll shoot up the leaderboard as Tom Brady and Randy Moss team up on many TDs. He'll also have Nate Kaeding, who will likely be kicking a lot of PATs tonight.

A full recap of Week 1 tomorrow.....

2009-09-10T14:42:00.000-07:00

Week 1 Starting Lineups

Cyclones
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind
RB: Chris Johnson - Ten
RB: DeAngelo Williams - Car
WR: Steve Smith - Car
WR: Dwayne Bowe - KC
TE: Dallas Clark - Ind
K: David Akers - Phi
D: Philadelphia

The Maestro
QB: Aaron Rodgers - GB
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jac
RB: Frank Gore - SF
WR: Calvin Johnson - Det
WR: Roddy White - Atl
TE: John Carlson - Sea
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: San Diego

The Dragons
QB: Dunnavunn McNabb - Phi
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
RB: Matt Forte - Chi
WR: Roy Williams - Dal
WR: Devin Hester - Chi
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: Arizona

Team STY
QB: Drew Brees - NO
RB: Steven Jackson - StL
RB: Ronnie Brown - Mia
WR: Terrell Owens - Buf
WR: Andre Johnson - Hou
TE: Chris Cooley - Was
K: Rob Bironas - Ten
D: Green Bay

The Dominator
QB: Phillip Rivers - SD
RB: Clinton Portis - Was
RB: Willie Parker - Pit
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
WR: T.J. Houshmanzadeh - Sea
TE: Tony Gonzalez - Atl
K: Neil Rackers - Ari
D: Miami

Gnomies
QB: Matt Ryan - Atl
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
RB: Willis McGahee - Bal
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
TE: Greg Olsen - Chi
K: Adam Vinatieri - Ind
D: Pittsburgh

The Outlaws
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: Joseph Addai - Ind
RB: Darren Sproles - SD
WR: Antonio Bryant - TB
WR: DeSean Jackson - Phi
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Mason Crosby - GB
D: Baltimore

The Big Ragu
QB: Tom Brady - NE
RB: Michael Turner - Atl
RB: Kevin Smith - Det
WR: Randy Moss - NE
WR: Marques Colston - NO
TE: Visanthe Shiancoe - Min
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: Minnesota

2009-09-08T16:45:00.000-07:00

Scoring Summary

To help our newest member, The Big Ragu, following are the scoring rules for this here fake football league:

Quarterbacks:
Completions (1)
Incomplete Passes (-.5)
Passing Yards (50 yards per point; 3 points at 300 yards)
Passing Touchdowns (6)
Interceptions (-2)

Running Backs/Wide Receivers/Tight Ends:
Rushing Yards (20 yards per point; 3 points at 100 yards)
Rushing Touchdowns (6)
Receptions (1)
Reception Yards (20 yards per point; 3 points at 100 yards)
Reception Touchdowns (6)

Misc:
Return Yards (20 yards per point; 3 points at 100 yards)
Return Touchdowns (6)
2-Point Conversions (2)
Fumbles Lost (-2)
Offensive Fumble Return TD (6)

Kickers:
Field Goals 0-19 Yards (3)
Field Goals 20-29 Yards (3)
Field Goals 30-39 Yards (3)
Field Goals 40-49 Yards (4)
Field Goals 50+ Yards (5)
Field Goals Missed 0-19 Yards (-3)
Field Goals Missed 20-29 Yards (-2)
Field Goals Missed 30-39 Yards (-1)
Point After Attempt Made (1)
Point After Attempt Missed (-3)

Defense/Special Teams:
Sack (1)
Interception (2)
Fumble Recovery (2)
Touchdown (6)
Safety (2)
Block Kick (2)
Kickoff and Punt Return Touchdowns (6)
Points Allowed 0 points (10)
Points Allowed 1-6 points (7)
Points Allowed 7-13 points (4)
Points Allowed 14-20 points (1)
Points Allowed 21-27 points (0)
Points Allowed 28-34 points (-1)
Points Allowed 35+ points (-4)

2009-09-08T11:05:00.000-07:00

Week 1 Schedule

THU, SEP 10

Tennessee at Pittsburgh
5:30 PM

SUN, SEP 13

Miami at Atlanta
10:00 AM

Denver at Cincinnati
10:00 AM

Minnesota at Cleveland
10:00 AM

Jacksonville at Indianapolis
10:00 AM

Detroit at New Orleans
10:00 AM

Dallas at Tampa Bay
10:00 AM

Philadelphia at Carolina
10:00 AM

Kansas City at Baltimore
10:00 AM

NY Jets at Houston
10:00 AM

Washington at NY Giants
1:15 PM

San Francisco at Arizona
1:15 PM

St. Louis at Seattle
1:15 PM

Chicago at Green Bay
5:20 PM

MON, SEP 14

Buffalo at New England
4:00 PM

San Diego at Oakland
7:15 PM

2009-09-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

Draft 2009

Well, it's been a long time since we've gotten together to do this owning and running a fake football team thing. It must have been a busy year for all of us, because we couldn't hold the fake draft until less than a week before the real season started. I guess that's a testament to how important we have all become.

As you all know, since you were all there or connected via high tech means to the proceedings (well almost all of you), our draft was conducted with fanfare that is usually reserved for gatherings of world leaders or the Jonas Brothers.

The draft was held later than normal, however, so our list of available guest commentators was limited. Mel Kiper, Jr., last year's guest analyst turned us down because of the short notice, as did Cris Collinsworth and Howie Long. Terry Bradshaw was busy performing his extensive library of original country music songs at Trailer Aid 2009 (a cheap rip off of Farm Aid, geared toward people whose double wides are in need of work). Chris Berman wanted to be here, but Labor Day is when he sets aside time to feed for the upcoming winter. That's right, he devotes a whole three day weekend to wolfing down brontosaurus burgers and sides of beef to get a nice layer of meat on him before the temperatures on the Bristol campus turn south.

Most of our local celebrities were of no help, either, as Peaches Napear turned us down when he heard that Eli Manning wasn't drafted in the first round. He also didn't like it when I asked him where in the heck one could find the city of Gween Bay on a map. Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson was out of the office and unavailable for comment. That's probably because he was scouring the midtown bars trying to find his #1 aide, and Sacramento's #1 smart aleck drunk, R.E. Graswich. Kings owners Joe and Gavin Maloof wanted to be here, but they are still grounded for running their NBA franchise into the ground, even though they had the most talent in the league 5 seasons ago.

That leaves us with one local celebrity who was willing to help out. And, although one would think that gargantuan talk show host Mike Lamb would also be spending this weekend packing on another layer of insulation for the cold months ahead, he was more than willing to help because, as he said when I called, "I pack on the weight 24 hours a day. I don't need a special occasion to devour a turkey leg or canned ham."

So, without further ado, here are the results of this year's draft, with the painfully obvious analysis of one Mike Lamb interspersed. Oh, and that lunar eclipse isn't really an eclipse. It's Lamb's head blocking the moon when he steps outside to get a better cell phone connection.

Round drafted in parenthesees

Gnomies
QB: Matt Ryan - Atlanta (2)
QB: Jay Cutler - Chicago (8)
RB: Adrian Peterson _ Minnesota (1)
RB: Brandon Jacobs - New York Giants (4)
RB: Willis McGahee - Baltimore (11)
RB: Tim Hightower - Arizona (12)
WR: Greg Jennings - Green Bay (3)
WR: Anquan Boldin - Arizona (5)
WR: Santonio Holmes - Pittsburgh (6)
WR: Vincent Jackson - San Diego (10)
TE: Greg Olson - Chicago (7)
TE: Heath Miller - Pittsburgh (14)
K: Adam Vinatieri - Indianapolis (13)
D: Pittsburgh (9)

Lamby's Take: "This team got a steal taking Adrian Peterson. I can't believe so many other teams passed on him. They also have great balance with two quarterbacks, four running backs, four wide receivers, two tight ends, a kicker and a defense. I really like the way this team stacks up. The only downside I see is the lack of Raiders on the roster. You don't like to pass up guys from such an explosive offense."

Team STY

QB: Drew Brees - New Orleans (1)
QB: Eli Manning - New York Giants (11)
RB: Steven Jackson - St. Louis (3)
RB: Ronnie Brown - Miami (6)
RB: Marshawn Lynch - Buffalo (7)
RB: Thomas Jones - New York Jets (10)
WR: Andre Johnson - Houston (2)
WR: Reggie Wayne - Indianapolis (4)
WR: Terrell Owens - Buffalo (5)
WR: Braylon Edwards - Cleveland (9)
TE: Chris Cooley - Washington (8)
TE: Dustin Keller - New York Jets (13)
K: Rod Bironas - Tennessee (12)
D: Green Bay (14)

Lamby's Take: "Wow. I look at this draft and I wonder if the GM for this team was even there. I mean, I really like the way they got Brees early on....it's a steal as far as I'm concerned when so many other teams passed on him. And Braylon Edwards...well all I have to say about him is that if I had a baby, and someone had to save that baby by throwing him out of the fourth floor window of a burning building....I want Braylon Edwards down there to catch that baby. Because, what's the worst that can happen? Based on his track record in football, Braylon is going to get his hands on the baby. He might not catch the baby, but by getting his hands on the baby the worst the baby is going to get is a little brain damage, and I can live with that."

The Dominator
QB: Phillip Rivers - San Diego (2)
QB: Matt Schaub - Houston (7)
RB: Clinton Portis - Washington (4)
RB: Willie Parker - Pittsburgh (6)
RB: Johnathan Stewart - Carolina (10)
RB: Ryan Grant - Green Bay (13)
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Arizona (1)
WR: T.J. Houshmanzadeh - Seattle (5)
WR: Jerricho Cotchery - New York Jets (9)
WR: Hines Ward - Pittsburgh (12)
TE: Tony Gonzalez - Atlanta (3)
TE: Owen Daniels - Houston (8)
K: Neil Rackers - Arizona (14)
D: Miami (11)

Lamby's Take: "What can you say about Larry Fotzgerald? I mean, after what he did in the postseason last year, he's a steal where this team got him. I also like Hines Ward. He's a glue guy to me. He just knows how to play football. Watch the action away from the ball sometime and you'll see Hines Ward playing football the way the guys played it back in the old days. He'll be wearing a leather helmet and shoes laced all the way up to his knees and he'll be cut blocking some DB, then punching him with a set of brass knuckles when the guy falls to the ground. That's the way football used to be played and that's how Owen Daniels plays today."

The Big Ragu
QB: Tom Brady - New England (1)
QB: Mark Sanchez - New York Jets (13)
RB: Michael Turner - Atlanta (2)
RB: Steve Slaton - Houston (4)
RB: Kevin Smith - Detroit (6)
RB: Ray Rice - Baltimore (8)
WR: Randy Moss - New England (3)
WR: Marques Colston - New Orleans (5)
WR: Eddie Royal - Denver (7)
WR: Percy Harvin - Minnesota (10)
TE: Visanthe Sciancoe - Minnesota (9)
TE: Vernon Davis - San Francisco (12)
K: Nate Kaeding - San Diego (14)
D: Minnesota (11)

Lamby's Take: "You know what I call Toim Brady here? A steal. Okay, the guy is coming off of a major injury that cost him a whole year, but he's Tom Brady for crying out loud. I talked to a friend of mine who works in the front office of an NFL team and he said that over the summer a heatwave in the New England area killed some the grass on the front lawn of one of Brady's neighbors. Well, you know what? Tom Brady walked over to the guy's house, stood on the lawn for about ten minutes, and the lawn suddenly looked like the grass on the 50 yard line ofthe Oakland Coliseum."

The Dragons
QB: Dunnavunn McNabb - Philadelphia (8)
QB: Brett Favre - Minnesota (11)
RB: Matt Forte - Chicago (1)
RB: Brian Westbrook - Philadelphia (2)
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - San Diego (3)
RB: Marion Barber, III - Dallas (5)
WR: Devin Hester - Chicago (8)
WR: Roy Williams - Dallas (9)
WR: Bernard Berrian - Minnesota (10)
WR: Michael Crabtree - Unsigned (12)
TE: Jason Witten - Dallas (4)
TE: Kellen Winslow - Tampa Bay (6)
K: Joe Nedney - San Francisco (14)
D: Arizona (13)

Lamby's Take: "Gosh, after what Matt Forte did last season, how could he last so long in this draft? He could be the steal of the year, right there. You know what I really like about this team's draft? The order of it. Running backs at the beginning, then tight ends, then wide receivers, then a couple of quarterbacks, then the rest. It's how I like to eat a meal. First I like to have the bowl of salad, then I like to eat the loaf of bread, then the whole head of steamed cabbage. Once I get through all of that, I like to eat the turkey, then wash it down with the gravy. Then a dozen or so ears of corn and a pepperoni pizza. Finally, a gallon of ice cream and a sheet cake and it's time for my next meal."

The Outlaws
QB: Kurt Warner - Arizona (2)
QB: Carson Palmer - Cincinnati (6)
RB: Joseph Addai - Indianapolis (3)
RB: Derrick Ward - Tampa Bay (7)
RB: Glen Coffey - San Francisco (13)
RB: Darren Sproles - San Diego (14)
WR: Antonio Bryant - Tampa Bay (1)
WR: DeSean Jackson - Philadelphia (5)
WR: Chad Ochocinco - Cincinnati (11)
WR: Santana Moss - Washington (12)
TE: Antonio Gates - San Diego (4)
TE: Donald Lee - Green Bay (8)
K: Mason Crosby - Green Bay (9)
D: Baltimore (10)

Lamby's Take: "I really like this draft. You don't get a guy like Bryant in the first round unless you're doing some serious homework. That's a steal. I mean, not only do you get a guy who will be catching passes from an elite passer and eater like Byron Leftwich, you're also getting a guy who can get liquored up and drive 60 mph over the speed limit. He's a real versatile receiver in that regard. If this team can somehow swing a trade to get Kellen Winslow, Jr. and his rocket powered motorcycle, the rest of the league better look out. I mean, you wouldn't know when it's safe to step off the curb with those two guys driving in your town."

The Maestro
QB: Aaron Rodgers - Green Bay (2)
QB: Tony Romo - Dallas (6)
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jacksonville (3)
RB: Frank Gore - San Francisco (4)
RB: LenDale White - Tennessee (11)
RB: Felix Jones - Dallas (12)
WR: Calvin Johnson - Detroit (1)
WR: Roddy White - Atlanta (5)
WR: Wes Welker - New England (7)
WR: Anthony Gonzalez - Indianapolis (9)
TE: Zach Miller - Oakland (8)
TE: John Carlson - Seattle (14)
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oakland (10)
D: San Diego (13)

Lamby's Take: "Who drafted this team, Stevie Wonder? Man, taking a guy that plays for a team that didn't win a game last year with your first pick really isn't too smart. And, what's the deal with taking Romo? Doesn't this guy know that T.O. isn't in Dallas anymore? Who is he going to throw to if there aren't any wide receivers on the team? What is smart, though, is stocking up on the Raiders. Miller and Janikowski were steals where he got them. Another thing I like about this draft is the way he drafted LenDale White. I once went to a buffet in Westwood with him and we cleaned that place out. I swear, because of a couple of Trojans, the kids going to UCLA weren't able to eat for a week."

Cyclones
QB: Peyton Manning - Indianapolis (1)
QB: Ben Roethlisberger - Pittsburgh (10)
RB: DeAngelo Williams - Carolina (2)
RB: Chris Johnson - Tennessee (4)
RB: Darren McFadden - Oakland (5)
RB: Reggie Bush - New Orleans (8)
WR: Steve Smith - Carolina (3)
WR: Dwayne Bowe - Kansas City (7)
WR: Torry Holt - Jacksonville (12)
WR: Derrick Mason - Baltimore (13)
TE: Dallas Clark - Indianapolis (6)
TE: Anthony Fasano - Miami (11)
K: David Akers - Philadelphia (14)
D: Philadelphia (9)

Lamby's Take: "This draft had more steals than any others. Peyton Manning in the first round? Are you kidding me? How can anyone pass on that guy? Darren McFadden in the 5th round? Are you serious? The best athlete in the draft lasts that long? Isn't this cool? Have you ever seen anyone speak using only questions? Aren't I awesome? Would you like to watch me eat my weight in Milk Duds right now?"

While Mike straps on the feed bag full of Milk Duds, I'll wrap this one up. Week 1 is rapidly approaching, so get your lineups in. A full schedule for the week will be posted shortly. So, as we prepare for the footballs to start flying around our greatest stadiums, remember this:

Do great things, gentlemen....

The Commish

2008-12-29T10:16:00.000-08:00

Tuesday Review v3.17

*It's not Tuesday, but there's no Monday Night Football this week, so, for the purposes of recapping the week of real and fake football, it might as well be Tuesday.

The drama, suspense, and excitement of Week 17 in the NFL was not duplicated in the PPFFL, as the Cyclones closed out their championship run with the best score in the last week of the season. Youth was served in our fake little league, as the combined ages of our champion's owners (Brady - 9, Will - 9, Jack - 8) fall well short of the ages of our first two champions. Their ages also roughly equal what the Kings shot from the floor last night at Arco against the Celtics.

The Maestro followed last season's championship with a 2nd place finish, holding off The Dragons. The Dominator moved past Team STY in Week 17 to end the season as the PPFFL's equator. The Gnomies finished 6th after being strong for the first 14 weeks, while The Outlaws surged in the last quarter of the season to ensure that every team in this fake league scored over 1,600 points.

Final Standings (Week 17):
Cyclones 1,904.19 (123.87)
The Maestro 1,809.47 (102.95)
The Dragons 1,773.96 (105.81)
The Dominator 1,702.95 (104.52)
Team STY 1,696.73 (69.56)
Gnomies 1,649.00 (66.16)
The Outlaws 1,601.23 (82.79)

The team-by-team summaries will be short today, as there was little excitement in Week 17 and a full season review will be posted soon.

The champion Cyclones effectively wrapped things up when the schedule maker placed the Patriots in a stadium where the players and fans were enjoying winds gusting upward of 75 mph, while Drew Brees (53.22) and the Saints were playing in a dome. Brees nearly broke the single season record for passing yardage in a losing cause for his real team, but a title clinching effort for his fake team. Larry Fitzgerald (26.50) and LaDainian Tomlinson (22.80) chipped in with big games, as their fake team won going away.

The Maestro acquired and started Matt Cassel (7.51) in Week 17, unaware that the Patriots/Bills collision was going to be played in ugly conditions. Days like yesterday make you wonder why anyone would want to live in Buffalo. It's probably a nice city with some really nice people living there. Is that enough, though, to have to endure the bitter cold and wind? The winters must seem like they last for 9 months. Then, you get to the warmer months and have to deal with high humidity. Buffalo's city motto should be "It's really cold in the winter, but it gets really hot and sticky in the summer."

Completing their second upper division finish in a row are The Dragons. Kurt Warner (38.76) bounced back from his horriffic Week 16 to save some face against another of the NFC West's weak sisters. If only the Cardinals could play the Seahawks in the wild card round of the playoffs, the Rams in the divisional round, and the Niners in the conference championship, they might make it to the Super Bowl. Instead, they will be playing Atlanta this weekend at the Giant Sauguaro and will likely get routed on their own turf in their first playoff appearance at home since the team wore leather helmets. Okay, that's an exaggeration and not true, it just seems like they last hosted a playoff game that long ago.

The Dominator has seen it all in the final standings, as he finished near the top in Season 1, at the bottom in Season 2, and lands smack dab in the middle this season. His Week 17 was punctuated by watching Jay Cutler (38.52) launch pass after pass in a 31 point loss that finished a 3-week span where the Broncos went 0-3 and blew a 3-game lead in the standings. The most tan rat-human in the world, otherwise known as Denver coach Mike Shanahan, has done very little of note since John Elway left town to play golf and give motivaitonal speeches full time. His last real accomplishment was continuing to embarrass the Raiders and Al Davis on an annual basis (owning to the fact that he was Lane Kiffin when Kiffin was in junior high school and vowed to exact vengeance on Davis as long as he lived). The annual beatings of the Raiders continued as usual on the first Monday of the season, but ended abruptly in Week 12 when the Raiders came to Mile High and won 31-10. If you're not making the playoffs and you're not whipping on the Raiders anymore, what real purpose do you serve as a coach in Denver?

The leader of the bottom feeders is Team STY. This team looked tremendous at times, but just couldn't sustain anything significant during the season. Kind of like their QB Tony Romo (10.21) and his real team. The Cowboys did more than get pantsed in Philadelphia yesterday. They went into a winner goes to the playoffs game and got stripped, tarred, feathered, and tied to a tree. If you think it couldn't get worse, it did, as Romo reportedly collapsed in the shower after the game. Boy, how things can turn in a hurry. Early in the season, Romo was an MVP candidate. Then, he broke a pinky and was out for a couple of weeks. He came back to right the ship, to the delight of everyone but Terrell Owens. Then, with the playoff hopes of the team on the line, he gave the game away in Pittsburgh, beat the defending champs, stunk until it was too late against Baltimore, then took the gas pipe in Philadelphia and collapsed in the shower. A roller coaster ride, indeed.

If the season only lasted 12 weeks, the Gnomies would be patting each other on the back over a great year. Instead, they're in the same boat as their QB, Brett Favre (16.76). They're all great Ameicans, but they're all sitting at home wondering where in the heck things went wrong. It was a joyride early on, as the old man seemed to find the legs and arm of his youth. As the weather got colder and the games piled up, though, things went south for Favre's real team, as well as his fake one. It also didn't help this fake team to be so reliant on players from the Packers, a team that went 6-10.

There's an old football saying that goes, "You can't win a championship in September, but you sure can lose one". Nobody backed that up like The Outlaws this season. Week 1 was one for the history books as far as futility goes, and it didn't get much better through the first quarter of the season. Unfortunately, this fake team wasn't in a division as weak as their QB Phillip Rivers (29.19). His real team was able to recover from a bad start to win the division on the last night of the season. His fake team, however, was just too far behind when the leaves began to change color, and could never get out of the basement.

Notes:

I was not aware until last week's review was complete that there would be no Monday night game on ESPN this week. This was no doubt a mandate from Commissioner Goodell. He obviously didn't want to have to deal with Stu Scott so soon after Christmas, either.
The Pillow Fight of the Week was Bengals 16, Chiefs 6. The state logo for Ohio should be changed to caracatures of a Browns player and a Bengals player swinging pillows at each other, while someone in an Ohio State uniform lies in the fetal position.
We're at the point in the Kings season where Peaches is going to be ramping up to playoff excitement if the team is within 5 points at the 10 minute mark of the second quarter. As he's become the official marketing director of the team and is responsible for begging people to come to games, he's in an unenviable position. He's kind of like the PR director for a Chinese toy manufacturer. "Buy our toys, they're great! For toys with tiny parts you can choke on painted with pure lead, you can't get anything cheaper!" Except, in Peaches' case, the choking and upset stomach for customers doesn't come cheap.
The San Francisco Giants signed Randy Johnson over the weekend to a one year, $8 million contract. The real Randy Johnson, not some make believe guy who has been dead for 20 years or who hasn't played since high school. The signings of those types of players will apparently be announced after the first of the year.
In keeping with what we've all come to expect from shows ike Football Night in America (hint: not much), The Bus, Jerome Bettis, broke down for us exactly how coaches should handle the conundrum of whether or not to play star players when your playoff spot is already secured. On one hand, Bus said, you want to keep your guys healthy going into the playoffs. On the other hand, you want them to play so they stay in a rhythm going into the playoffs. Basically, the Bus concluded he didn't have an opinion either way and wished those other guys would quit asking him questions that didn't revolve around running people over or eating large quantities of food.
Because I couldn't be first, I must tell you that Chris Berman wishes you a Happy New Year. He did this during his 2-Minute Drill on ESPN Friday night. The drill, by the way, lasted more than 5 minutes. Boomer's never been the most adroit at clock management.

Well, that closes the final weekly review of PPFFL Season 3. A look back at the season along with some awards will be posted soon on this very site. As always, if you would like to nominate someone or something for an award or another type of recognition, please email the league office.

Congratulations to the Cyclones. Let's all follow their example and do great things.

The Commish

2008-12-28T10:02:00.000-08:00

Week 17 Starting Lineups

Cyclones
QB: Drew Brees - NO
RB: LaDainain Tomlinson - SD
RB: Pierre Thomas - NO
WR: Roddy White - Atl
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
TE: Anthony Fasano - Mia
K: Rob Bironas - Ten
D: Chicago

The Maestro
QB: Matt Cassel - NE
RB: Darren Sproles - SD
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jac
WR: Wes Welker - NE
WR: Steve Smith - Car
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: Pittsburgh

The Dragons
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
RB: Larry Johnson - KC
WR: Randy Moss - NE
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal
TE: Vernon Davis - SF
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: Philadelphia

Team STY
QB: Tony Romo - Dal
RB: DeAngelo Williams - Car
RB: Leon Washington - NYJ
WR: Davone Bess - Mia
WR: Reggie Wayne - Ind
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: Tennessee

The Dominator
QB: Jay Cutler - Den
RB: Clinton Portis - Was
RB: Jamal lewis - Cle
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
WR: Santana Moss - Was
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: Garrett Hartley - NO
D: Miami

Gnomies
QB: Brett Favre - NYJ
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
RB: Thomas Jones - NYJ
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
WR: T.J. Houshmanzadeh - Cin
TE: Donald Lee - GB
K: Mason Crosby - GB
D: Baltimore

The Outlaws
QB: Phillip Rivers - SD
RB: Matt Forte - Chi
RB: Michael Turner - Atl
WR: Brandon Marshall - Den
WR: Antonio Bryant - TB
TE: Chris Cooley - Was
K: Phil Dawson - Cle
D: New York Giants

2008-12-23T11:13:00.000-08:00

Week 17 Schedule

SUN, DEC 28

St. Louis at Atlanta
10:00 AM

New England at Buffalo
10:00 AM

Kansas City at Cincinnati
10:00 AM

Detroit at Green Bay
10:00 AM

Tennessee at Indianapolis
10:00 AM

NY Giants at Minnesota
10:00 AM

Carolina at New Orleans
10:00 AM

Cleveland at Pittsburgh
10:00 AM

Oakland at Tampa Bay
10:00 AM

Chicago at Houston
10:00 AM

Jacksonville at Baltimore
1:15 PM

Washington at San Francisco
1:15 PM

Miami at NY Jets
1:15 PM

Dallas at Philadelphia
1:15 PM

Seattle at Arizona
1:15 PM

Denver at San Diego
5:15 PM

2008-12-23T08:37:00.000-08:00

Tuesday Review v3.16

For the first time in PPFFL history, there was some competition for the top spot in the league heading into Week 16. The Cyclones, though, made sure that there will be no drama as the NFL wraps up its regular season over the next few days. Their solid week neutralized the hard charging Maestro and totally eliminated The Dragons, who had been hanging around for the last few weeks, but crashed and burned in the penultimate week of the season.

Team STY has risen over the last two weeks to the level of the league's equator, passing both The Dominator and the suddenly anemic Gnomies. The Outlaws continue to hold up the rest of the league, but they're a lot closer to the rest of us now than they were back in the middle of the season. If the NFL extended the regular season to about 24 weeks, they might drag themselves out of the basement.

Official Standings (Week 16):
Cyclones 1,780.32 (126.02)
The Maestro 1,706.52 (128.53)
The Dragons 1,668.15 (57.05)
Team STY 1,627.17 (137.89)
The Dominator 1,598.43 (86.53)
Gnomies 1,582.84 (47.54)
The Outlaws 1,518.44 (119.89)

When this fake football season comes to a close, The Maestro will be left kicking himself over the handling of Ronnie Brown (7.65). His four TD week early in the season was wasted as he sat on his fake team's bench. Permanently put into the starting lineup the following week, he contributed some solid games in the middle of the season. As his fake team picked up the pace, though, his performance began to trail off a little bit, culminating with a very pedestrian Week 16. Meanwhile, the diminutive Darren Sproles (23.05) was having a productive day in Kansas City, locking up Week 16's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award for his fake owner.

Drew Brees (46.87) returned to form just in time for the Cyclones to all but lock up the championship. He was helped immensely by Dallas Clark (22.25), who had his best game of the season when this fake team needed it the most. Larry Fitzgerald (17.05) managed to put up some decent stats on a day when his real team was getting pantsed in the snowy Northeast. The decision by Cardinals staff to wear all white on their trip to New England was fitting. The way the played suggested that they weren't even there and the white unis made it so they were mostly invisible to the viewers at home. They still have won only two games against a team that isn't in their division and will likely face either Carolina, Tampa Bay, or Chicago/Minnesota in the playoffs. Is there anyone out there willing to bet that they won't lose by at least two touchdowns on their home turf? Excpet for the lady in the NFL.com commercial that has the Cardinal logo tatooed on her lower back?

The week that was started off really well for The Maestro, as Peyton Manning (54.83) and Maurice Jones-Drew (15.10) provided an early spark. Jason Witten (15.35) then picked up the slack on Saturday night, generating a buzz around this team and their suddenly stellar play. Wes Welker (19.20) was able to maintain the momentum against the no-show Cardinals early on Sunday, but after that the furious charge met some resistance. The Pittsburgh defense (1.00), solid all season long, was worked over by the recycled Kerry Collins, about the same time Ronnie Brown (7.65) was struggling in the frozen Midwest. Not even Steve Smith (6.40) could pick up the slack on Sunday night, as the Giants poor run defense kept the ball away from him and he had a TD overturned by a coaches challenge, expertly executed by Tom Coughlin. Damn you, Coughlin!

Not to beat a dead horse, but the Cardinals really stunk on Sunday. At the forefront of that debacle was Kurt Warner (0.60), who effectively ended the Season 3 hopes of The Dragons. It wasn't all him, though, as Marshawn Lynch (7.70) and Andre Johnson (2.95) didn't live up to their recent performances. Just when you think he couldn't get worse, Vernon Davis (-0.15) managed to do just that, punctuating a week where this team's best players were underacieving idiot Terrell Owens (14.15) and kicker Nate Kaeding (13.00). At least this team's struggles got some playing time for nearly forgotten dead beat dad (and former Heisman Trophy winner) Matt Leinart (seriously, he won the Heisman). He managed to lead the Cardinals to their only points against the New England third stringers but, to nobody's surprise, was as bad as he's always been. Meanwhile, his collegiate backup, Matt Cassel, was having another solid game in what has been an unexpectedly solid season. Memo to Pete Carroll: If you would have given the QB job to Cassel way back when, he likely would have won a Heisman like Leinart. He also probably wouldn't have made as many crappy throws against a suspect Texas defense back in the 2006 National Championship game, meaning you would likely have won the game that will most haunt you when you go to your grave. On the other hand, if Cassel had been the starter, we wouldn't have had as much fun busting on Leinart for his crappy parenting skills and the fact that he still makes his mom pay when they go out for meals together. But, hey, he's still friends with Nick Lachey, so he's got that going for him, which is nice.

Zooming into fourth place on the diminutive legs of DeAngelo Williams (32.40) is Team STY. Williams scored four TDs on Sunday night, giving him 20 for the season and assuring that he will be taken very high in the 2009 PPFFL draft. Well, this is the PPFFL, so he assured that he should be taken high in the draft. It doesn't mean that he will be taken high. Reggie Wayne (21.40), the Tennessee defense (20.00) and Antonio Gates (18.15) also chipped in with big games, as their fake team rose from near the depths of the league. Tony Romo (26.64) was able to salvage what started out as a rough night in the last game ever at Texas Stadium. If only the Cowboys defenders hadn't forgotten how to tackle in the 4th quarter, the 'Boys may have sent the stadium out on a winning note. As it stands now, even if the Cowboys make the playoffs, they will not be playing at home. All is not lost for the season, though, because, as Romo said after the game, they "still have a percentage chance of getting in". He's right, you know. In fact, I have a percentage chance of punching the w key...just like that! Unfortunately for Jerry of the Stretched Face's team, their playoff chances are closer to my chances of going out on a date with cheerleader Kelly Jo and helping her fix the problem she has with her kicks.

Holding onto 5th place like it's the last available moose meat during an Alaskan winter is The Dominator. Other teams have been flying around this part of the standings for weeks, but only one has held onto their position with this much conviction. The Big Guy obviously sat his team down and made 5th place their biggest goal for the rest of the season. So, while Jay Cutler (36.68) and Tony Gonzalez (16.20) were having weeks that would suggest the team might climb its way into 4th place, Anquan Boldin (0.00) and Santana Moss (6.60) made sure the team didn't stray from its goal. Clinton Portis (11.05) was pretty solid in a slugfest with the Eagles, but his performance on the field isn't what everyone was talking about afterward. In order to prove his superior intellect to sarcastic coach Jim Zorn, he put together a Bob the Builder jigsaw puzzle during a 3rd quarter timeout. Linebacker London Fletcher commented, "I have never seen 8 puzzle pieces move that fast. I didn't think he had any chance of putting the picture of Rolly in the right place, but he made that big Texas shaped piece float on air. No disrespect, but there's no way Coach Zorn could do that."

Karma continues to kick the Gnomies in the ribs. They spent the majority of the season in the top half of the standings, but now appear to be paying for the front office shenanigans that led up to the draft in August. They're also getting a look into the psyches of Jets fans as Brett Favre (11.24) leads their team out of the playoffs. It's tough for such a great Ameican to struggle the way he is, but who can blame him with the way the economy is? The man is not only trying to get his football team into the playoffs, he's trying to save Christmas, people! So, let's cut him a little slack and blame guys like Adrian Peterson (4.60), Thomas Jones (7.80), T.J. Houshmanzadeh (0.00), and Donald Lee (0.00) for the second worst weekly score for Season 3. Let's be real, though. Favre's late season struggles will likely lead to a teary retirement announcement, which will lead to Sports Illustrated's Peter King and ESPN's Chris Berman staking out his house, which will lead to months of speculation about his future, which will lead to Favre eventually returning for another season. The problem for Favre is that each time he does this, he has to join a team that is worse than the one he left. His choices next year will likely be in the realm of the Bills or Browns. The season after that will leave him choosing between the Rams and Bengals. His final season (hopefully) will then be played for the Lions, who will be carrying a 53 game losing streak into the opening week of 2011. If there's anyone who can break a streak like that, it's Brett Favre.

Closer to 6th place than they have been in eons are The Outlaws. Once again, their late season push is something to behold. It's just too bad that they dug such a big hole early in the season. And, by big hole, we mean Grand Canyon-esque. Phillip Rivers (45.59) continued his stellar late season play, while managing to make even more people across the country hate his guts. Stories about his off-putting personality are starting to circulate around Al Gore's brilliant invention (the internet, not global warming), meaning he must really be a tool, since most people couldn't care less about athletes playing in San Diego. Want an example? If Jake Peavy had been playing for the Yankees or Red Sox the past few years, rumors of his impending trade would have been covered non stop by the Worldwide Leader, with Buster Olney being imbedded in Peavy's front yard bushes to report on what pajamas he wears to bed each night. Instead, he pitches for the Padres, so most of America has never heard of him or the Padres. Brandon Jacobs (23.60) plays in a big market, so we know about him. Antonio Bryant (19.35) is well known on the police blotter, so we know about him, too. Brandon Marshall (17.45), however, hasn't shot himself accidentally or been caught driving 173 mph in a school zone, so most of America is still in the dark about him.

Notes:

As mentioned yesterday, the bad weather on Sunday lent a chance for the league office to have Football Night in America showing on its TV screens. It was as bad as it's always been, and even went the extra mile to get worse. If the egos of Olbermann and Costas weren't enough, we got a strong dose of Tiki Barber. Tiki has always been criticized as being a bit of a media hog, as evidenced by the lame work he did for NBC while still playing for the Giants. Upon retirement he went to work entertaining housewives on the Today Show and co-anchored a "hip" highlight show during the Olympics with a girl (whose name has been long forgotten) that started every sentence with the words, "Oh, my god". Anyway, on Sunday he interviewed Giants RB Brandon Jacobs. After the usual meaningless questions were asked, Tiki got real in depth. He asked if Jacobs knew just how much his presence had meant when Jacobs was backing him up and "Taking all of (his) touchdowns" (believe me, Tiki, I know about that, as your 1,400 yard, 1 TD season was part of my mediocre fantasy season). When Jacobs hesitated with an answer, Tiki proclaimed (and I'm paraphrasing a bit), "You now that your development was accelerated by having such a great running back ahead of you that could show you how to be a professional football player and an All Pro." As if that conceit weren't enough, Tiki got all Nantz on us when he asked Jacobs if "the foundation of great excellence that great players like myself laid helped contribute to the Super Bowl championship". Watch out, Nantz. If you don't bring about peace on earth soon, Tiki's going to beat you to it.
To set the record straight, based on an informal, make believe, but highly accurate survey of New York Giants players and coaches, the most important factor in their Super Bowl win last season was the retirement of Tiki Barber. To quote a make believe Giants player, "We hated that runt so much that it was like a cement truck being lifted off our shoulders when he decided to go work with Kathie Lee Gifford full time."
Keeping with their offseason makeover, San Francisco Giants GM Brian Sabean came to an agreement in principle to acquire teenage sensation Dakota Johnson from the White Sox, in exchange for Matt Cain, 2008 top draft pick Buster Posey, and minor league pitching phenom Madison Bumgarner. "We just feel the opportunity to have a stud like Johnson was worth parting ways with the guys we did. We look forward to some great things from this kid." When told by the press that Johnson was 14 years old and was basically a ruse created by A's GM Billy Beane who had no future in baseball, Sabean shot back, "That's just the lunatic fringe out there that doesn't know talent the way we professionals do. Let's see what happens when this kid is 22 and able to step in and take over for Richie Aurilia at second base. The next eight years is going to go by quickly, so you guys in the media better not forget how much you were criticizing this move when Dakota's hitting at the top of the lineup and giving us an opportunity to move Aurilia to first base and get another decade or so out of him."
The Albert brothers are frequently called the "Baldwin Brothers of Announcing". For those of you that aren't hip to it, the Baldwins are a bunch of brothers who have done well as actors. Anyway, if that's the case, Marv Albert is like Alec Baldwin, Kenny Albert is Stephen Baldwin, and Al Albert is the the fat Baldwin that was in "Biodome" with Pauly Shore.
The Pillow Fight of the Week was Bengals 14, Browns 0. The residents of Ohio must have been so proud.
This week's early frontrunners to be PFOTW are Kansas City at Cincinnati and Seattle at Arizona.

That's it for another week. As it's Christmas week, don't take any wooden nickels. There are plenty of scammers out there that will be looking to take advantage of your goodwill.

The Commish

2008-12-22T09:26:00.000-08:00

Monday Memo v3.16

Only the greatest comeback in the history of Western Civilization will keep the Cyclones from being the Season 3 champion of the PPFFL. A solid week for them offset the week from the hard charging Maestro, who started fast on Thursday, but fizzled out late on Sunday. The Dragons were killed by the weather in the northeast and the Gnomies were killed by the weather in the northwest. Team STY, meanwhile, had their best week of the season, while The Outlaws continued their push toward Week 1 of Season 4.

Current Standings:
Cyclones 1,780.32
The Maestro 1,706.52
The Dragons 1,668.15
Team STY 1,627.02
The Dominator 1,598.43
Gnomies 1,564.94
The Outlaws 1,518.44

Tonight's NFC Norris battle between the Packers and Bears carries importance for only one PPFFL team: the Green Bay obsessed Gnomies. Greg Jennings, Donald Lee, and Mason Crosby will be taking the field for these guys, who are currently sitting at a historically low total for the week. If the weather is bad and the play on the field is worse, ala the Browns yesterday, it's possible that these guys could break the PPFFL record low for a week set back in the inaugural week of this season. It would take a lot of zeroes across the board but, as the Browns proved yesterday, it can happen.

A full recap of Week 16 tomorrow, along with something you've all surely been waiting for...that's right, more critique of Football Night in America. Let's just say that the rain yesterday led me to the revelation that there is someone associated with football more in love with himself than Jim Nantz.

2008-12-18T10:41:00.000-08:00

Week 16 Starting Lineups, Part II

Wow! That sure was interesting. I thought I would be able to get some other work done while the great Dick Stockton presented our lineups, but I was wrong. The thing is, his care giver nodded confidently when I asked if he would be able to make sure Dick didn't get all senile, like he does when he announces games for Fox. I only now found out that the caregiver is Korean and doesn't speak a word of English, except for "Juice Box" and "Bugs Bunny".

With that being said, here are the real lineups:

Cyclones
QB: Drew Brees - NO
RB: Pierre Thomas - NO
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - SD
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
WR: Roddy White - Atl
TE: Dallas Clark - Ind
K: Rob Bironas - Ten
D: New York Jets

The Dragons
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
RB: Marshawn Lynch - Buf
WR: Andre Johnson - Hou
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal
TE: Vernon Davis - SF
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: Philadelphia

The Maestro
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jac
RB: Ronnie Brown - Mia
WR: Steve Smith - Car
WR: Wes Welker - NE
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: Pittsburgh

Gnomies
QB: Brett Favre - America
RB: Thomas Jones - NYJ
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
WR: T.J. Houshmanzadeh - Cin
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
TE: Donald Lee - GB
K: Mason Crosby - GB
D: Baltimore

The Dominator
QB: Jay Cutler - Den
RB: Jamal Lewis - Cle
RB: Clinton Portis - MIT
WR: Santana Moss - Was
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: Garrett Hartley - NO
D: Miami

Team STY
QB: Tony Romo - Dal
RB: DeAngelo Williams - Car
RB: Leon Washington - NYJ
WR: Davone Bess - Mia
WR: Reggie Wayne - Ind
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: Tennessee

The Outlaws
QB: Phillip Rivers - SD
RB: Michael Turner - Atl
RB: Brandon Jacobs - NYG
WR: Antonio Bryant - TB
WR: Brandon Marshall - Den
TE: Chris Cooley - Was
K: Phil Dawson - Cle
D: New York Giants

2008-12-18T09:41:00.001-08:00

Week 16 Starting Lineups

We haven't had any celebrity appearances this year to announce the weekly starting lineups, so I tried and tried to get someone in before the season was over. Berman asked for too much money, Nantz was too busy saving everyone from themselves, and Costas is busy making Christmas cookies inside one of the Keebler trees. That left me with the one and only Dick Stockton to present to you the lineups for Week 16 of the PPFFL season. It looks like he just finished his morning snack of apple sauce, wheat berries, and Gogurt, so take it away, Dick!

Thank you. Before I begin, I just want to express to Commissioner Kuhn how honored I am to be able to present the Week 16 starting lineups for the Arena Football League.

First, we have the Cyclones. Starting at Quarterback is Drew Barrymore, who is having a fantastic season for the San Diego Chargers. At Running Back are Pierre Thomas of the Saints and LaDainian Tomlinson who plays for the same high school team as Randy Moss and Michael Vick. I think it's Nike High. At Wide Reveiver are Robby White who I've never heard of and Larry Fitzsimmons, son of Cotton Fitzsimmons one of my all time favorite basketball coaches. The Tight End is Dallas Texas of the Colts. Kicking for this team is Rod Bironas of the Oilers and their Defense is the New York Titans.

For The Dragons, Kurt Warner of the Barnstormers will be at Quarterback. Brian Westbrook of the Eagles will be joined at Running Back by Buffalo's O.J. Simpson. At Wide Receiver will be someone who exudes humble, San Francisco's Terrell Owens. He will be joined there by Andre Ethier of the Oilers. Sammie Davis will be playing Tight End. Nate Newton of the Cowboys will do the Kicking and the Defense will be handled by the Steagles.

Quarterbacking for The Maestro will be the Colts' Peyton Manning. The Running Backs are Ronnie "Cadillac" Williams of the Dolphins and Drew Jones-Maurice of the Jaguars. Wait, that's a mistake, there's no team called the Jaguars. I think he plays for the Los Angeles Rams. And, so does Wide Receiver Steve Smith, who, it says here, plays for the Carolina Panthers. I'll have to talk to the Commissioner about all of these mistakes. Everybody knows there isn't a team in North Carolina. There isn't even a place called North Carolina. Anyway, the other receiver is Wes Chandler of the Chargers. Mike Ditka of the Cowboys is the Tight End, with Sebastian Janikowski doing the kicking and the Steagles playing the Defense.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Whoa, sorry, guys. I was busy reviewing paperwork and not paying attention. Meanwhile, Dick dozed off, with his nose landing right on the apostrophe key. His caregiver gave him a One-a-Day and a shot of liquid Geritol, and he looks perkier than ever. Back to you, Dick....

The Gnomies will be starting Brett Favre at Quarterback. Wow, this team must be up by about 10,000 points in the standings. I think that, as soon as this team drafted Brett Favre, the race for the championship was over. I remember calling a game back in 1946 between the Packers and the Browns at the old Cleveland Stadium. It was December and the temperature was 17-below zero with snow flurries coming off of the lake. The Browns were leading 13-3 with 12 minutes left in the game when Packers coach Red Auerbach replaced starting quarterback Reggie Jackson with a rookie named Brett Favre. Brett came in and threw not one, not two, but three touchdown passes, all to Jerry Rice, to win the game. That is one of my greatest memories. Right there with when I was married to Martha Washington.

I really like this next guy's name: The Dominator. His team starts Jay Johnstone, a great Putt-Putt announcer, at Quarterback. At Running Back are community leader Jamal Lewis of the Browns and Clinton Portis of the Redskins. You may not know this, but Portis is a certified genius who can almost recite the alphabet backwards! Not many people can do that, my friends. The Wide Receivers are Kate Moss, a lovely woman who in addition to modeling also finds time to play for the Redskins, and Anquan Randle El, who is one of the greatest talents to ever play for the St. Louis Cardinals, no offesne to Ozzie Osbourne or Albert Pujols who were also great Cardinals. Speedy Gonzalez is the undersized, but speedy, Tight End for the Chiefs. Garrett Hartley...wait a minute. That's a made up name. Who is really doing the kicking? Anyway, until we find out who is really kicking, I will tell you that the Dolphins will be the Defense.

Tony Roma will be playing Quarterback for Team STY. You may not know this, but he also makes a fantastic rack of ribs and has even founded a national restaurant chain. DeAngelo Williams of...I don't know who he plays for...it says here the Panthers, but we already went over that...anyway, he's playing Running Back with Joe Willie Namath of the Jets. Antonio Gates of the Chargers is the Tight End. Joe Montana of the Forty Niners is doing the Kicking and the New York Titans are the Defense.

And finally, for The Outlaws, Jesse James will be playing Quarterback, with Joaquin Murrieta and Jack "The Red" Almer at Tight End. Frank Kearney and his partner Dave Rudabaugh are the Wide Receivers. Russian Bill Tattenbaum is the Tight End, while Octoviano Telles will do the Kicking and the Clanton Gang plays Defense. I personally know a lot of these men, so I wish them the best.

Once again, I am honored to be given the opportunity to do this today. The best of luck to all of you. I'm Dick Stockton, signing off.

2008-12-16T11:49:00.000-08:00

Week 16 Schedule

THU, DEC 18

Indianapolis at Jacksonville
5:15 PM

SAT, DEC 20

Baltimore at Dallas
5:15 PM

SUN, DEC 21

Cincinnati at Cleveland
10:00 AM

San Francisco at St. Louis
10:00 AM

New Orleans at Detroit
10:00 AM

Pittsburgh at Tennessee
10:00 AM

Miami at Kansas City
10:00 AM

Arizona at New England
10:00 AM

San Diego at Tampa Bay
10:00 AM

Houston at Oakland
1:05 PM

Buffalo at Denver
1:05 PM

NY Jets at Seattle
1:05 PM

Atlanta at Minnesota
1:15 PM

Philadelphia at Washington
1:15 PM

Carolina at NY Giants
5:15 PM

MON, DEC 22

Green Bay at Chicago
5:30 PM

2008-12-16T08:49:00.000-08:00

Tuesday Review v3.15

The Cyclones took another step toward becoming the youngest champions in PPFFL history with a solid week that was similar to the weeks of all but two of our fake teams. They gained six points on the second place Dragons to carry a 43 point cushion into the final two weeks of the season. It's not an insurmountable lead by any menas, but it will take a heroic effort from The Dragons to knock the kids off of their perch.

Further down in the standings, The Maestro blew past the Gnomies into third place. In just two weeks, our defending champ has gained over 120 points on the Gnomies in all but assuring an upper division finish. The bottom of the standings, if anyone cares, remained the same.

Official Standings (Week 15):
Cyclones 1,654.30 (112.69)
The Dragons 1,611.10 (106.45)
The Maestro 1,577.99 (121.66)
Gnomies 1,535.30 (72.62)
The Dominator 1,511.90 (87.14)
Team STY 1,489.28 (116.03)
The Outlaws 1,398.55 (119.97)

The race for the championship would be closer to finished if not for a bit of a lineup blunder by our leaders. The Cyclones, in a week where they made major lineup changes, kept Calvin Johnson (21.50) on the bench while playing Larry Fitzgerald (7.60) and Roddy White (7.05). Fitzgerald and White have been solid all season and have contributed to the stellar season our leaders are having, but they obviously don't realize that someone has to put up stats on the bad teams, even those that are historically bad. For the Tabby Cats, that someone is usually Calvin Johnson, at least when Daunte Culpepper isn't too bloated to throw him the ball. For this slight blunder that kept hope alive for their closest pursuer, the Cyclones get Week 15's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award.

The Cyclones made a bold change to their lineup this week, as they inserted Jason Campbell (21.89) into the lineup in place of Drew Brees. Brees has gone from being the leader for PPFFL MVP to benched in favor of a guy who goes into every game with fans, coaches, and players of the Redskins thinking, "I hope Campbell doesn't do something to screw this game up." A change like this is reminiscent of the 'Ol Ballcoach, Steve Spurrier, who at Florida rotated his QBs as much as Abe Lincoln rotated his generals (for those of you not up on your Civil War history, Lincoln changed generals a lot....even more than the Maloofs have changed head coaches the past 3 years). Campbell didn't exactly overwhelm anyone this week, so it was fortunate that Dallas Clark (28.10) had his best game of the season. Also chipping in were LaDainian Tomlinson (15.70), Rod Bironas (14.00), and the Tampa Bay defense (13.00). Will more changes be in store as this team guns for the PPFFL title? Only time will tell if they end up like the legendary Spurrier from his Florida days or the disgraced Spurrier from his days with the Redskins.

Hanging in there are The Dragons. Kurt Warner (30.40) was able to put up decent stats while his team was getting beat up, proving that the best thing to happen to the NFC West champs this season was being in the NFC West. The Cards are 5-0 against their division opponents and 3-6 against everyone else, with a game against the Seahawks left on the schedule. If Mike Martz hadn't screwed up the "Fullback Dive" game a few Mondays ago, the Cards and Niners would be locked in an epic (well, maybe not epic, but interesting) battle to see who gets to be whipped by a wild card team at home in the playoffs. The rest of the players for this fake football team need to raise a glass for Andre Johnson (30.35) and the Philadelphia defense (19.00). If it weren't for those guys, this team would be out of the title picture, as Vernon Davis (7.10), Brian Westbrook (6.35), Terrell Owens (4.90), and Reggie Bush (4.35) all came up really small in one of the biggest weekends of the season.

Refusing to give up is The Maestro, who is in the midst of a very impressive run. This late season charge will more than likely be futile, however, as 13 weeks of mediocrity tend to outweigh 3 or 4 weeks of excellence. Peyton Manning (39.01) continued his strong play of late, and was joined in excellence by Steve Smith (26.70), Maurice Jones-Drew (19.50), and Wes Welker (15.45). Jason Witten's performance (7.20) wasn't as strong as the prior week, possibly due to all of the Junior High histrionics that surrounded the Cowboys last week. They had T.O. accusing Witten of getting together with Tony Romo to conspire against throwing the ball to #81. What T.O. didn't do was research just how many times Romo had thrown the ball to each of them. Reality is that, going into Sunday, over 120 passes had been directed T.O.'s way, of which about half had been caught. Contrast that to Witten, who had caught 59 of the 88 balls tossed his way. If I were Romo, I'd conspire to throw more passes to the guy who was actually catching the freaking ball. And, while doing it, T.O., I would also talk about you behind your back, mostly about what a worthless crybaby you're turning into. You've always been a crybaby, you've just recently become worthless. Craving attention, egomaniacal owner Jerry Jones had to get into the news, so he decided to call star running back Marion Barber III a wuss and insinuate that he was afraid to play in pain. Barber took the words to heart and suited up on Sunday, even with a severely sore toe (toes are small, but apparently important to RBs as Darren McFadden has played sporadically all year due to a sore toe). The results were not what Jerry of the Stretched Face wanted to see: 2 yards on 8 carries. Next time you want to criticze a player for not playing, boss, try to avoid going after the guys who can't run without a limp, especially if their job is to run the ball.

Dropping out of the top 3, likely for good this season, are the Gnomies. Much like their adolescent counteparts, they made a major change at QB this week, benching Our Favrer in favor of Seneca Wallace (12.67). Favre didn't exactly light up the joint, but the results from a Sacramento area QB were predictable, particulalry when you consider the debacle that was the J.T. O'Sullivan Experiment. In most weeks, a fake team would be pumped to say that most of their guys scored about as many points as their QB. This wasn't one of those weeks for the Gnomies. Thomas Jones (12.10), Adrian Peterson (11.25), the Baltimore defense (11.00), Greg Jennings (10.10), and Mason Crosby (10.00) all approached the fantasy production of Seneca, which wasn't a good thing. As bad things usually come in threes, we can only wonder if another QB with Sacramento area ties will be thrust into a starting job soon, picked up by a PPFFL team, then dropped shortly after they perform the way most everyone predicted. As there aren't any area QBs close to starting anywhere, we can only hope that the Bills, Bengals, or Browns lose the backups that they are currently starting in Week 16, forcing them to sign Gio Carmazzi away from the Round Table Pizza where he currently works to start under center for them in Week 17. If that were to happen, I would personally pick up Gio and play him at QB in the season's final week.

The Dominator had a rough week, but what can you expect when he's counting on a genius like Clinton Portis (5.15)? Sorry, Clinton, that was a low blow. If there's something you aren't, it's a genius. For anyone who played football at The U to be called that is downright slanderous. You would think that Jim Zorn would be sensitive to something like that. Wait a minute, didn't Coach Zorn call you a genius as a way to insult you? A backhanded compliment, if you will? Well, then, the coach was right, you are a genius, though not as much of a genius as guys like Michael Irvin or Lamar Thomas*. As for the non-geniuses on The Dominator's squad, Jay Cutler (22.89) had a rough day in Charlotte. Santana Moss (18.00) picked up some of the slack for slackers like Jamal Lewis (5.30) and Anquan Boldin (5.70). And, let's not forget Tonay Gonzalez (15.10) who continues to put up huge numbers for a guy who has been in the league for so long and plays for such a lame team. When the Raiders sign him in 5 years, he just might be the guy who pushes them to 6 wins in a season.

*Lamar Thomas is the former University of Miami wide receiver who, as a radio color commentator in 2007, nearly ran down from the booth to the field to join a brawl that the Hurricanes were having with Florida Atlantic. He famously exclaimed "This is what happens when you come into the O.B. (Orange Bowl) and try to mess with The U!" If not for Michael Irvin, he would be the valedictorian for Miami athletics, you know, if any of Miami's athletes ever graduated.

Trying to get into 5th place before the season ends is Team STY. Tony Romo (32.23) led the Cowboys to victory amid all of the gossip and note passing in Big D last week. One of the notes, confiscated by Ed Werder of ESPN, listed a bunch of players, coaches, and other staff associated with the Cowboys and detailed whether Romo and Witten liked them or not. As expected, neither of them likes T.O. They both like DeMarcus Ware and Romo likes Barber, but Witten kind of likes him, but wishes he was tougher (Witten wrote, "I could never see him running down the field without a helmet on"). Witten likes Wade Phillips, but Romo wrote in that space "Who's that?" They both really like Jerry Jones, with Romo noting, "He's the best coach I have ever played for." They even included the cheerleaders, as Romo really likes Amanda, even if "Jessica thinks she's trailer park trash". Witten said he likes Kelly Jo, but is really worried about her kicks.

The Outlaws are still plugging away, posting the second best score of the week. Maybe this will lay a foundation for next season where, hopefully, they aren't out of the race after Week 1. Phillip Rivers (45.52) led a near miraculous comeback in Kansas City (miracles can't happen against teams as crappy as the Chiefs). Antonio Bryant (22.40) continued his quest for a nice contract next season, thereby allowing him to get back to his preferred lifestyle of underachieving on the field while being a knucklehead off of it. You can't be that kind of guy unless you have a big contract and Bryant is doing everything he can to get paid. Michael Turner (20.10) rescued the Falcons on a day when Matt Ryan was off of his game. Turner is having a much bigger impact in Atlanta than his former mentor in San Diego is having.

Notes:

The Pillow Fight of the Week was, as predicted, Seahawks 23, Rams 20. The biggest positive for those in attendance at the Edward Jones Dome was that the game didn't go overtime.
Jim Nantz isn't stuck up at all. At least, that's what he'll tell you if you ask him. He'll also tell you that the book he recently wrote is going to change you life; how, even though he's the voice of American football (his words, not mine) most people only ask him about The Masters; and how it was tough for him to adjust to Phil Simms as a broadcast partner, but how, under his tutelage, Simms was able to become one of the best color men in the business. This was all covered on the Peaches and Hamm show last week. What he's saying about the book could be true, as Peaches read the book and immediately fell head over heels in love with Nantz.
Reggie Theus was canned as coach of the Kings yesterday, leaving the majority of the females in Northern California mad at multi-millionaire doofuses Joe and Gavin Maloof. With the Kings resounding win over Minnesota last night, interim head coach Kenny Natt now has the best winning percentage of any active coach in the NBA. Looks like that interim tag needs to be removed.
CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett signed huge contracts with the Yankees last week. Many blowhards in the media decided to criticize the Yankees and these two greedy players for spending and accepting so much money in these tough economic times. These media types are way off base in this assertion, as these signings are going to do a world of good for the economy, expecially in the greater New York area. Sabathia's presence will command at least a hundred new hot dog vendors in the Big Apple, while Burnett will bring a wave of new business to the tattoo parlors and piercing shops in the city. Signing those two guys was a boon for job creation in New York.
Of course, the Red Sox whined about how they couldn't compete with a team willing to shell out so much money....then offered Mark Teixeira $175 million over 8 years.
The Giants have offered a two year contract to Joe Charbonneau, former AL rookie of the year, who last appeared on a baseball diamond as one of the New York Knights in the movie "The Natural". "He's a former rookie of the year, so his record speaks for itslef," Giants GM Brian Sabean said while announcing the signing. "The fact that he hasn't played in nearly 25 years just means that he has young legs. I look forward to Bruce Bochy plugging him into our outfield and using him at first base when Richie Aurilia needs a break."
The A's, meanwhile, have extended a contract offer to an unknown 14 year old named Dakota Johnson. Johnson normally wouldn't be eligible to sign as a free agent, but, at the urging of the A's, gave up his U.S. citizenship and became a Mexican national in August. The teenager, according to A's GM Billy Beane, is "a potential star in the middle of the infield. He shows incredible plate discipline, as he averaged seeing 4.59 pitches per plate appearance for his Brainerd, Minnesota PONY league team last season. He should develop some gap power as he gets older and reaches puberty. His glove is a plus right now, and should be plus-plus by the time he starts driving a car. We, as an organization, just felt we couldn't pass up on a talented kid like this, especially when we can control his cost for so long."
Nothing beats Dick Stockton's level of excitement while describing a successful long field goal, until the spotter points out that the ball landed about 7 yards short of the uprights.
It's official. Dakota Johnson has signed with the A's. Terms were not disclosed.
To combat the outrage among female Kings fans, the Maloofs have announced that every Sunday home game for the rest of the season will be "Ladies' Night". Every woman accompanied by a male companion will be granted free admission*. *To gain free admission all females must be accompanied by a male companion who purchases a ticket with a face value of no less than $1,350. Every car carrying a female to the game will be charged $250 to park. Females who enter Arco Arena for free must purchase concessions of either food, drink, or licensed merchandise in the amount of $250, otherwise their admission will be revoked and they will be forced to purchase the most expensive ticket available. This contract is binding and non-reviewable. Any violations will result in one of the following: Compensation in the amount of $10,000 to the Maloof Family; or a 6-month committment to working at the Palms Casino in Las Vegas, NV in whatever capacity is deemed fit (there will be no compensation for this work). Sounds like a nice compromise for firing the most dapper coach in the NBA.
This just across the wire: The A's have traded Dakota Johnson to the Chicago White Sox for Jermaine Dye and three minor leaguers to be named later. "We really think Jermaine will help us a lot more than some 14-year old kid whose best talent is making snow angels," said Oakland GM Billy Beane.

Well, that's it for another week. Get those lineups in for the season's penultimate week and...do great things, gentlemen.

The Commish

2008-12-15T09:46:00.000-08:00

Monday Memo v3.15

On a Sunday where the weather in Northern California was the way it is nearly everywhere else in the country during football season, the Cyclones inched closer to the PPFFL championship. They had a solid week, keeping the surging team behind them (The Maestro) from gaining more than a few points on them. The Dragons are still very much in the hunt, but need a huge game from the guys in green tonight to keep this race interesting going into the final two weeks of the season.

Current Standings:
Cyclones 1,654.30
The Dragons 1,585.75
The Maestro 1,577.99
Gnomies 1,535.30
The Dominator 1,506.60
Team STY 1,489.15
The Outlaws 1,394.55

In keeping with the meteorological theme, the weather in Philadelphia tonight is supposed to be mild, with temperatures in the low 50s and light rain at kickoff. That bodes well for The Dragons, who are pinning their immediate hopes on Brian Westbrook and the Eagles defense. What also bodes well is the fact that the Eagles are playing the Browns, who border on being dreadful. That's not entirely true. They're completely dreadful. Let's not forget recent history, though, as the last time Dunnavunn McNabb faced a dreadful team from Ohio, he ended up locked in a 13-13 tie against the Bengals that he didn't think was possible.

PPFFL teams rooting for the Browns to be tolerable, passable, or even mediocre are The Dominator, who has Jamal Lewis playing, and The Outlaws, who will be getting points (maybe) from Phil Dawson.

A full recap of an exciting Week 15 to follow tomorrow, incuding information on why the author of this infotainment doesn't care one bit if Tony Romo and Jason Witten talk about him behind his back.

2008-12-12T11:56:00.000-08:00

Week 15 Starting Lineups

Cyclones
QB: Jason Campbell - Was
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - SD
RB: Chris Johnson - Ten
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
WR: Roddy White - Atl
TE: Dallas Clark - Ind
K: Rod Bironas - Ten
D: Tampa Bay

The Dragons
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
RB: Reggie Bush - NO
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal
WR: Andre Johnson - Hou
TE: Vernon Davis - SF
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: Philadelphia

Gnomies
QB: Seneca Wallace - Sea
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
RB: Thomas Jones - NYJ
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
WR: Marvin Harrison - Ind
TE: Donald Lee - GB
K: Mason Crosby - GB
D: Baltimore

The Maestro
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jac
RB: Ronnie Brown - Mia
WR: Wes Welker - NE
WR: Steve Smith - Car
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: Pittsburgh

The Dominator
QB: Jay Cutler - Dan
RB: Clinton Portis - Was
RB: Jamal Lewis - Cle
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
WR: Santana Moss - Was
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: Garrett Hartley - NO
D: Miami

Team STY
QB: Tony Romo - Dal
RB: DeAngelo Williams - Car
RB: Leon Washington - NYJ
WR: Davone Bess - Mia
WR: Reggie Wayne - Ind
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: Tennessee

The Outlaws
QB: Phillip Rivers - SD
RB: Michael Turner - Atl
RB: Tim Hightower - Ari
WR: Antonio Bryant - TB
WR: Brandon Marshall - Den
TE: Chris Cooley - Was
K: Phil Dawson - CLe
D: New York Giants

2008-12-09T11:16:00.000-08:00

Week 15 Schedule

THU, DEC 11

New Orleans at Chicago
5:15 PM

SUN, DEC 14

Tampa Bay at Atlanta
10:00 AM

Washington at Cincinnati
10:00 AM

Detroit at Indianapolis
10:00 AM

San Diego at Kansas City
10:00 AM

Green Bay at Jacksonville
10:00 AM

Seattle at St. Louis
10:00 AM

San Francisco at Miami
10:00 AM

Buffalo at NY Jets
10:00 AM

Tennessee at Houston
10:00 AM

Minnesota at Arizona
1:05 PM

Denver at Carolina
1:15 PM

Pittsburgh at Baltimore
1:15 PM

New England at Oakland
1:15 PM

NY Giants at Dallas
5:15 PM

MON, DEC 15

Cleveland at Philadelphia
5:30 PM

2008-12-09T09:15:00.000-08:00

Tuesday Review v3.14

The competition is getting fierce as we head into the final 3 weeks of this fake football season. The kids are still at the top, but the older guys behind them are getting a little frisky. The Cyclones have the lead for yet another week, but The Dragons have once again closed the gap. A little further back, The Maestro had the second biggest week of the season (to the 168.33 the Gnomies posted in Week 4) to pass The Dominator and take over 4th place. It was such a big week that our defending champion nearly passed the Gnomies, falling just a handful of points short of erasing what was a 78 point deficit at the beginning of the week.

Official Standings (Week 14):
Cyclones 1,541.61 (105.70)
The Dragons 1,504.65 (111.33)
Gnomies 1,462.53 (83.19)
The Maestro 1,456.33 (155.19)
The Dominator 1,424.76 (107.97)
Team STY 1,373.25 (84.05)
The Outlaws 1,279.58 (115.58)

This week's "I Sure Wish I Woul Have Played That Guy" Award goes to the biggest mover. The Maestro's big showing could have been the best of the season had he played Darren Sproles (18.85) instead of Ronnie Brown (6.40). It was just a bad decision, as Sproles was lining up to play the Raiders in a prime time game. The last time the Raiders didn't get embarrassed in a nationally televised game was....well, it was a really long time ago. I know the game was on NFL Network, so it probably got the same ratings as reruns of Lingo did on GSN, but it was technically a national telecast and the Silver and Black got bombed by a team coached by one of a long list of coaches Al Davis has jettisoned lately (the Raiders did stick it to the human rat Mike Shanahan a couple of weeks ago, regaining a little dignity). If the Raiders have to play at the University of Tennessee next season (in case you missed it, coached by noted liar {according to Al} Lane Kiffin), Las Vegas will likely install the Vols as an early 3-point favorite, even during what will be a rebuilding season for them.

Atop the standings for another week are the Cyclones. They had a solid week, but not as solid as the guys closest to them in the standings. Drew Brees (27.60) is beginning to lose some footing in the race for PPFFL MVP (more on that to follow), but did enough to keep his fake team out in front. Roddy White (21.20) and Larry Fitzgerald (15.65) were very solid this week, as was Frank Gore (12.25). LaDainian Tomlinson (10.55) scored early, then watched as his understudy, Sproles, got most of the reps after the Thursday night game got out of hand (so, he only played about a quarter and a half). This team has been solid over the last few weeks, but has definitely been somewhat short of spectacular. Speaking to the parity of the league, they haven't had to post weekly scores over 120 to keep the teams chasing them in the rear view mirror, as our winning team had to do in season 1 (last season was a boat race from Week 4 until the end). Right now, cracking 100 weekly has been the formula to stay in front.

The Dragons are doing their best to make this league interesting. Where they were once being carried by Kurt Warner (28.98), they are now squarely on the broad shoulders of Brian Westbrook (31.15), who is making a late season run at the PPFFL MVP. The guy has been banged up all season long, but continues to produce huge numbers when he's in the lineup. His mere presence is keeping his real team alive for the playoffs, while keeping his fake team in the hunt for a championship. His fake team backfield mate, Reggie Bush (14.30) is contributing again and Nate Kaeding (10.00) got a full workout on Thursday night. Not contributing as much as they would tell you they should were Terrell Owens (10.65) and Randy Moss (5.80). I'm beginning to beat a dead horse, but it is so much fun to rag on these prima donnas. T.O. gave a great press conference after the Cowboys lost to Pittsburgh, partially due to Tony Romo trying to give every Steeelers defender a souvenier. I only hear the audio, so I didn't see what T.O. was wearing, but he gave some very good, rambling statements wherein he tried to blame Romo and the coaching staff without really blaming them. He sounded very political. He probably wanted to blow up on all of them, but had to restrain because Romo did actually throw him the ball on one of the rare occasions the Cowboys reached the red zone. And it wasn't a charity pass this time, like it has been the last couple of times T.O. has reached the end zone.

The Gnomies struggled more than anyone in Week 14, as they were carried by a lackluster Brett Favre (21.34) and the Baltimore defense (18.00). Thomas Jones (12.40) and Donald Lee (11.40) were able to crack double figures but they couldn't make up for the struggles of Jerricho Cotchery (1.50), Greg Jennings (5.70), and Adrian Peterson (9.85). Speaking of Peterson, let's all raise a glass and toast Tarvaris Jackson. Were it not for his heroics, the Vikings would have been the first victim of the Detroit Tabby Cats this season. Jackson, who was (with Kyle Orton) part of the worst pairing of QBs in Monday Night Football history last season, subbed for the injured and incompetent Gus Frerotte on Sunday and guided the Vikings to a huge victory....not just for their place in the NFC North standings, but for their place in history. In a season that has given us so many dreadful teams (Detroit, Cincinnati, St. Louis, Kansas City, etc.) it would be a shame for anyone to lose to the team that appears to be the worst of all. It is now up to the Colts, Saints, and Packers to make sure we all get something truly memorable out of this season.

Given up for dead just last week, The Maestro made a Bob Beamon-esque leap toward the top part of the standings. Peyton Manning (46.54) got back on track after his debacle in Cleveland. Wes Welker (24.70), Steve Smith (23.85), the Pittsburgh defense (23.00), and Maurice Jones-Drew (20.60) also were able to bust through the 20-point barrier. This fake team is riding high because nearly everyone in the lineup is on a real team that is fighting either to make the playoffs or to gain a home game in the playoffs. Thus, there is incentive, beyond making more money, to play hard and produce each and every game. When apprised of the status of this particular fake team for which he is a member, Peyton Manning said, "I don't think that race is over by any means. We may be in 4th place, but we've really been coming around lately. I wouldn't get comfortable if I were managing one of the teams ahead of us right now." When asked for comment, Sebastian Janikowski (1.00) said, "If they get points for touchbacks, I will do my best to send my one and only kickoff of the game out of the end zone. If they don't get points for touchbacks, then they might want to look for another kicker, because I can't help them out much....unless coach lets me try some more 70-plus yarders."

The Dominator had a pretty good week, but not enough to keep from falling in to 5th place. Jay Cutler (44.52) got back to his early season form. Tony Gonzalez (14.65) continued his stellar play, while the Miami defense (15.00) ame up big. Other than that, it was all about kicker Garrett Hartley (12.00) and not much else. Yeah, I can't believe a guy named Garrett Hartley plays in the NFL, either. Clinton Portis (3.30) and Joseph Addai (4.00) found the going tough. Portis had to face the stout defense of the Ravens, while Addai watched as Manning led scoring drives that seemed to last for about 5 passing plays each. The Big Guy can still take back his 4th place standing, but it's going to take a big week to get there. Otherwise, it looks as though the bottom of the standings might be set.

Part of that is due to Team STY and their rough Week 14. Tony Romo (13.00), once the catalyst for this team (like, back in Weeks 2 and 3) had a rough week in Pittsburgh. Not so rough, though, that Freddie Coleman of ESPN radio was afraid to comment that he thought Romo managed the game well, right up until he threw the pick that got run back for a TD in the 4th quarter. The other two picks and the inability to move the team wasn't so bad, because he was really managing things well. In trying to pinpoint Romo's struggles, there is no evidence that Jessica Simpson attended the game. It was also about 4 degrees in Pittsburgh, so tan, hot women were not a factor (as if tan, hot women even lived in Pittsburgh...more like beer guzzling, bearded women). I guess we can chalk this one up to Romo being thrown off of his game by a solid NFL defense on a very cold day. Man, that's no fun.

The Outlaws were sharp this week, mostly due to Speed Racer himself, Antonio Bryant (34.00). He would not be upstaged by a couple of midget running backs on MNF, as he tried his best to keep the Bucs in the game. Playing hard until the very end, like Bryant did, is something that a lot of NFL receivers could afford to do more of. Too bad Bryant got himself in this position by neing an underachieving head case for so long. The Prima Donna Wide Receivers Association would rather have their members do enough to get a big contract, then decide to shut it down on the field while posing/pouting/showing off all of their bling. Occasionally, a good season needs to be thrown in, just to keep teams interested and to get paid. Randy Moss has taken all of this to another level. His achievements with regard to playing hard and getting paid, then becoming indifferent on the field and a pain in the neck off of it may never be approached again.

Notes:

The Pillow Fight of the Week was Tennessee 28, Cleveland 9. When Ken Dorsey is starting at QB in the NFL, the feathers will be flying. If we're lucky, Dorsey will get hurt and the Browns will bring in his replacement with the Niners, rodeo cowboy Cody Pickett. That battle between Pickett and Kyle Orton a few years ago was one for the ages.
No busting on Football Night in America or Monday Night Football because the PPFFL office was closed during both games this week. We'll just reiterate what we already know: Keith Olbermann is a condescening buffoon; Stu Scott is bad beyond description; Emmitt Smith has no grasp of the English language (or any other one); and Steve Young is concussed.
The baseball winter meetings are under way and so far it looks like Jake Peavy will be going to the Cubs, Francisco Rodriguez will be going to the Mets, and CC Sabathia doesn't know where he wants to go. When asked for his expert opinion, Peaches Napear said, "As long as the Yankees have Mariano Rivera coming out of the pen in the 9th inning, it's going to be tough to beat the Yankees. He's a flat out dandy!"
Peter Gammons is a stud. The guy had a stroke less than 18 months ago and is back to giving reports about every 7 minutes from Las Vegas. He's able to mention darn near every free agent and every team every hour of every day. Someone should keep track of this so we can see if he's truly an insider, or if he's just really creative.
Brian Sabean was ready to make a splash and sign a former AL MVP and 9 time all star to play 2nd base for the Giants next season. His bubble was burst when he found out that Joe Gordon died back in 1978. "I thought it would have been a huge splash if we could have added a Hall-of-Famer to the top of our lineup," said the San Francisco GM.
Back to football, another candidate for Pillow Fight of the Year arrives in Week 15: Seahawks at Rams. The feathers will be all over the Edward Jones Dome as teams that are a combined 4-22 face off.

With that, another week in fake football has been reviewed. Have a great week, gentlemen, and don't take any wooden nickels.

The Commish

2008-12-08T08:49:00.000-08:00

Monday Memo v3.14

Wow, what a week in the NFL. Colossal collisions were abound, as poential playoff seedings became even more muddled. In the PPFFL, there was little movement, except for one team trying to make a late charge toward something slightly better than mediocrity. The Maestro made a charge out of 5th place and could, with a spectacular night from football's baddest man, be in 3rd place by the end of play tonight.

Current Standings:
Cyclones 1,532.61
The Dragons 1,504.65
Gnomies 1,462.53
The Maestro 1,432.48
The Dominator 1,424.76
Team STY 1,347.55
The Outlaws 1,245.58

ESPN got a huge matchup tonight, as the Panthers and Buccaneers square off with first place in the NFC South on the line. I can't wait to see Stu, Emmitt, and Stevie Y. preview and review what happens on the gridiron tonight. Stu is probably writing lame, urban themed poetry as we speak. Prepare to hear numerous references to his cousins Pookie and Ray-Ray, as well as shout outs to the other side of the pillow, butter, and plenty of the uses of the word "gots".

For PPFFL purposes, this game carries a medium amount of importance. The Cyclones will be playing John Kasay and the Buccaneers defense. They will score some points, but anything other than a turnover fest by the Panthers offset slightly by a few long FGs by Kasay will still have The Dragons in the thick of things come tomorrow morning. The Maestro will pass another team in the standings if Steve Smith does what he's been doing for the last month, with the main exception being that he actually cross the goal line while in possession of the ball a couple of times. Team STY will be pulling for DeAngelo Williams to make their week dreadful, an improvement over it's current state, which is an abomination. Antonio Braynt who, based on his driving record will be the first player to the stadium, will be lacing them up for The Outlaws.

A full recap of Week 14, along with some insight on baseball's Winter Meetings, will follow tomorrow.

2008-12-04T08:30:00.000-08:00

Correction

It has been brought to the attention of the PPFFL Ombudsman that there was some incorrect information in yesterday's recap of Week 13. So now, unlike the Sacramento Bee, a correction and full apology for misrepresenting the facts will be published....

In the Tuesday Review for Week 13 (which was actually published on Wednesday), the summary for The Dragons stated that they finished in last place last season. That is just plain wrong. They actually finished in last place in 2006, our inaugural season. The editorial staff of the PPFFL offers their sincere apologies for making a mistake on when The Dragons were the dregs of the league.

All the best....

The Commish

2008-12-03T08:24:00.000-08:00

Tuesday Review v3.13

It's a great Wednesday to be writing a summary with the word Tuesday in the title. The next to-next to-next to-next to last week of the season didn't bring as much scoring as the week prior to it, therefore the week in the PPFFL was back to the way it has been for most of the season. The Cyclones failed to reach the century mark for the week, while the two teams behind them did, tightening the race for the championship just a little bit. The Dragons and Gnomies, however, will have to make up more ground in the next couple of weeks if they want to seriously challenge for the title. Further down in the standings, The Dominator managed to hold onto 4th place for another week (YIPPEE!) and Team STY was the high scorer for the week. Congratulations! You guys were in 6th place going into the week and now find yourselves in 6th place.

Official Standings (Week 13):
Cyclones 1,435.91 (96.72)
The Dragons 1,393.32 (109.10)
Gnomies 1,379.34 (111.79)
The Dominator 1,316.79 (91.84)
The Maestro 1,301.14 (91.64)
Team STY 1,289.20 (123.32)
The Outlaws 1,164.00 (88.73)

The lineup blunder of the week belonged to the team at the top of the standings. The Cyclones are carrying both of the premium Titan running backs on their roster, yet didn't start either one this week, even though the team with the league's best record was squaring off against the Tabby Cats. The results were predictable. Meanwhile, our leaders wathced as Frank Gore (5.45) was held back by San Francisco's ultra conservative attack after they took an early lead on the Bills. For sitting Chris Johnson (23.70), the Cyclones are presented with this week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award.

Sticking with the Cyclones, their week was good enough to keep them relatively comfortable, but not enough to keep things from being interesting the next couple of weeks. Drew Brees (25.92) was only about half as good as he was in Week 12. Larry Fitzgerald (20.25), Roddy White (14.60), and LaDainian Tomlinson (14.30) picked up some of the slack, while guys like Gore (5.45) and Dallas Clark (3.20) were hindered by a prevent offense and horrible weather, respectively. Clark nearly had 6 more points, as he recovered a Peyton Manning fumble in the end zone on and attempted 4th down quarterback sneak right before halftime of Indy's game in Cleveland. Unfortunately, by rule, inside of two minutes of each half, when the ball is fumbled forward, the only player who can recover it and have it placed at the spot is the player who fumbled. This is a lesson that Alex and Jack learned earlier on Sunday during a touch football game with the Blandford brothers. Bobby Blandford's fumble near the goal line on the last play of the game was recovered by Alex for an apparent game tying TD. After further review, though, the ball was placed back at the spot of the fumble, where, with Mrs. Blandford preparing to leave without her kids, the game ended with Jack and Matt Blandford celebrating a well deserved and hard fought victory.

The Dragons are still in the mix. Last season's worst team put together a Thanksgiving Day for the ages, as Brian Westbrook (36.50), Kurt Warner (28.70), and Terrell Owens (15.90) put up good numbers on the nation's day of blowouts (which is fitting when you consider the way the Pilgrims began what ended up being a total beat down of the Indians that lasted for about two centuries). It was great to see Dallas get out to a comfortable lead on the Seahawks using practically everyone but T.O. to build the lead. Once in charge in the second half, it was obvious that the main objective on offense was to get the ball to T.O. so that he wouldn't sulk/pout/snap/publicly exercise nude following the game. On a couple of second half plays where Tony Romo threw the ball to someone other than T.O., you could see Romo's body go stiff, with a mild convulsion or two. It turns out that was Jerry Jones sending an electric shock through his QB's body via remote control as a reminder of what the real objective was. After the game, Jessica Simpson approached Jerry of Plastic Surgery to get the model number of the apparatus so that she could get one for herself.

Keeping the faith are the Gnomies. These guys are ready to bust out and take over the top of the PPFFL, or at least that's what they're saying. The Brett Favre (15.94) of Week 12 was same guy who walked the green grass of Lambeau Field from 2004-2006, as he sabotaged nearly every Jets scoring opportunity with crazy throws in the red zone. This is not the American icon that we all expected on one of the most American weekends of the year. He should be cut some slack, though, as in these tough economic times, he was busy using his super powers to create an increase in sales for Black Friday and the rest of the weekend in an attempt to get the econmy back on track (for the record, he said he wasn't responsible for the guy getting trampled to death by imbecile savages at the Long Island Wal Mart...Derek Jeter was the media superhero who was supposed to be in charge of security, and he obviously dropped the ball....spiritual superheros Kurt Warner and Alex Roodriguez vowed to pray for the deceased as well as forgive the tramplers, as they knew not what they were doing while stampeding to get 50% off of a 19 inch TV....superhero of justice and philosophy Charles Barkley said that every one of those knuckleheads should be hung from their toes in Times Square and be beaten like pinatas...). As for the rest of this fake football team, Thomas Jones (24.95), Greg Jennings (20.55), Adrian Peterson (17.50), Mason Crosby (12.00), and Donald Lee (11.85) all picked up the slack nicely as Our Favrer took steps to save the greatest of all countries from falling into a depression.

The PPFFL's equator remained the same, as The Dominator bolstered his position there by a fraction of a point. Jay Cutler (39.04) bounced back from his dreadful performance in Week 12 against the Raiders. Speaking of the Silver and Black, Tony Gonzalez (16.50) continued his stellar play against the real Raiders, not the imposters that hammered Denver last week. Al Davis was overheard in his luxury suite saying that Gonzalez was "the best young tight end in the game". He also said that, "in 5 or 6 years, when he's matured and come into his own, I would love to make him a Raider". When someone pointed out that Gonzalez was, in fact, almost 33 years old and that not many football players remain productive when they are close to 40, Davis shot back, "George Blanda played until he was 57 years old! And, he was an all-pro! Don't try to talk to me about talent, because none of you liars know talent like I do. Watch what happens now when I tell Coach Cradle to run my unstoppable fake field goal play where our voluptuous kicker runs a naked sweep around left end for at least a first down and probably a touchdown."

The teams at the top can all rest a little easier now. You all know the nerves were tightening up when you saw The Maestro making a move the past couple of weeks. Unfortunately for the defending champ, nasty weather off of Lake Erie put the clamps on Peyton Manning (10.40) and prevented all of you from being on the losing end of the greatest comeback in the history of Western Civilization. There is still 4th place to play for, though, as Jason Witten (23.75), the Cowboys defense (15.00), and Steve Smith (12.25) proved in Week 13. Ronnie Brown (9.64), Maurice Jones-Drew (6.10), and Wes Welker (5.50), meanwhile, gave another take on what it means to be playing for 4th place. In Welker's case, he was knocked out by a cheap shot from a Steelers defender whose name has been forgotten. That hit had nothing to do with the hatred for the Patriots that permeates the NFL. That hit was all about the Pittsburgh defense being dropped for the week by The Maestro because of the threat of facing what was the hottest offense in the league. They took out one of this fake team's starting receivers as retaliation. I learned my lesson, fellas. I learned my lesson.

Wearing the big boy pants this week was Team STY. DeAngelo Williams (31.30) led the way as he continued his push to be named the 2008 PPFFL free agent signing of the year. He scored four TDs, two of them coming after Steve Smith made incredible catches on deep passes, only to be drug down inches from the goal line. That's karma biting the baddest man in football back for sucker punching one of his teammates during training camp. Let's not forget Tony Romo (42.32) here, as his stellar game on Turkey Day against one of the dregs of the NFC West helped keep the Cowboys' dimming postseason hopes alive. His broken pinky absolutely killed the season for both his real team and this fake team. There's still time for him to get the 'Boys into the playoffs, but they'll likely be on the road the whole time, meaning there will no pink Romo jersey wearing ditzy blondes with their own Dancng Chucky fan clubs sitting in luxury boxes at Texas Stadium in January 2009. That is, unless, Jessica attends the mass seminar where her formerly horse faced sister and Jerry Jones preach to the masses about how plastic surgery can not only make you look younger, but can also turn you from hideously ugly to merely ugly for only a few thousand dollars. The grand finale of this seminar will be when renowned surgeron Dr. Robert Rey performs live a breast augmentation and liposuction procedure in a glass enclosed operating room constructed right on the star at midfield. During the surgery, he will also manage to do 1,500 pushups, 6,000 crunches, and 35 minutes of work on the heavy bag, all while making sure his anorexic wife doesn't consume anything more than the one peanut that is allotted to her each day.

The Outlaws had another rough week. On the bright side, all of their players actually played. Unfortunately, one of those players was Phillip Rivers (14.38). For all that Eli Manning has been busted on in this space, the fact that he was traded for Phillip Rivers is way more of an insult than anything that's been hurled his way here. Rivers is another in the long line of big, good looking QBs with strong arms that have no idea where to throw the ball or where it's going when it leaves their hand. There should be a hall of fame for these guys. The first class of inductees would be Dan McGwire, Jay Schroeder, Chuck Long, and, of course, Ryan Leaf. Kyle Boller, who was once called "Jesus In Cleats" by the starved for success Cal football fans, will immediately be inducted upon his retirement, without having to observe the usual 5 year waiting period. For statistical purposes, in case you actually care, Eddie Royal (16.80), Matt Forte (16.25) and the Giants defense (12.00) were all solid this week, while guys like Michael Turner (7.00) showed the level of consistency expected from players on teams that have been out of it since Halloween.

Notes:

The Pillow Fight of the Week was Niners 10, Bills 3. The Niners took a 7-0 lead on their first possession, then went into a stall that made Dean Smith proud. This hasn't been researched at all, but there's a rumor that the teams played 2-hand touch after the first quarter.
In case you haven't heard, Chris Berman is now losing weight with Nutra System. He's going to get "back, back, back" to his college weight. Nutra System is so easy to use that "he...will...go...all...the...waaaaaay" to his weight loss goals. I didn't make that stuff up, he actually says that in his commercial. My favorite Nutra System commercial is the one where John Kruk says, "My wife says I'm not as disgusting anymore." He's still disgusting, just not as disgusting.
Bob Papa is the play-by-play guy that works with Cris Collinsworth for NFL Network's Thursday night games. He has huge shoes and an even bigger ego to fill with taking over for Bryant Gumbel this season. Fortunately he's one of announcing's version of the Baldwin Brothers. If Peaches Napear had a brother or two in the same field, they would be announcing's version of the Doody Brothers (Howdy, Stinky, and Skip).
Even though Gumbel isn't working NFL Network games anymore (and it's a shame because he's rocking a stellar beard these days), this space will still refer to all Thursday night games on DirecTV channel 212 as being Gumbelievable.
This week's Gumbelievable collision features the Raiders and Chargers. If you thought it couldn't get worse after Monday's Texans/Jaguars Indifference Bowl....well, it obviously can. Word is that NFL Network is lobbying Roger Goodell to do the unprecedented and change this year's schedule so that the Lions and Bengals can play in the network's season fnale in Week 17.
ESPN is lamenting that ratings are down across all of their programming. The article I read stated that it's down for all networks in all genres (except for HGTV's House Hunters show, which is seeing its ratings go through the roof). The big shots at the Worldwide Leader suspect that the nation is a little down because of the economy, making people do stuff besides watching idiots like Jay Mariotti and Woody Paige say stupid stuff on Around the Horn. I have an idea (which I think I floated here before) to raise ratings, at least temporarily, to an unprecedented level. ESPN should televise a fight to the death between the following people: Stuart Scott, Keith Olbermann, Skip Bayless, Steven A. Smith, Tim McCarver, Dick Stockton, and Brian Baldinger. And, by "Fight to the Death", I mean that, as soon as the bell rings, snipers kill everyone but McCarver (he gets to live because Fox's cartoon baseball needs a friend). I'm telling you, the ratings for that would be through the roof.

That's all for this week. Remember, gentlemen, this is the season of giving, so do great things.

The Commish

2008-12-01T09:55:00.000-08:00

Monday Memo v3.13

The week began with three blowouts on Thanksgiving Day, continued with the Raiders attempting a fake FG where SeaBass was expected to run a sweep for a first down (the result, a Chiefs' TD the other way, was predictable), and ends with a true clash of the titans as the Texans and Jaguars take the field for battle tonight. To paraphrase Shannon Sharpe, who had a bag over his head at halftime of the Titans destruction of the Lions on Turkey Day, what is the NFL thinking? There are kids out there watching this stuff.

Speaking of kids, the ones who have been leading the PPFFL for the past few weeks are still there, even though they lost part of their lead.

Current Standings:
Cyclones 1,435.91
The Dragons 1,393.32
Gnomies 1,379.34
The Dominator 1,316.79
The Maestro 1,295.04
Team STY 1,289.20
The Outlaws 1,164.00

The rest of America won't be alone in snoozing though ESPN's spectacular tonight, as the PPFFL only has one player putting on the pads. Maurice Jones-Drew, the pocket Hercules, will be suiting up for The Maestro, hoping to provide the first change in the standings in three weeks. A big night from the human bowling ball will mean we will have a new team in 4th place. W-O-O H-O-O!!!

2008-11-27T09:41:00.000-08:00

Week 13 Starting Lineups

Cyclones
QB: Drew Brees - NO
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - SD
RB: Frank Gore - SF
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
WR: Roddy White - Atl
TE: Dallas Clark - Ind
K: John Kasay - Car
D: Tampa Bay

The Dragons
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
RB: Marshawn Lynch - Buf
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal
WR: Randy Moss - NE
TE: Vernon Davis - SF
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: Philadelphia

Gnomies
QB: Brett Favre - America
RB: Thomas Jones - NYJ
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
WR: Jerricho Cotchery - NYJ
TE: Donald Lee - GB
K: Mason Crosby - GB
D: Chicago

The Dominator
QB: Jay Cutler - Den
RB: Clinton Portis - Was
RB: Joseph Addai - Ind
WR: Santana Moss - Was
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: Garrett Hartley - NO
D: Miami

The Maestro
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jac
RB: Ronnie Brown - Mia
WR: Steve Smith - Car
WR: Wes Welker - NE
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: Dallas

Team STY
QB: Tony Romo - Dal
RB: Marion Barber III - Dal
RB: DeAngelo Williams - Car
WR: Braylon Edwards - Cle
WR: Reggie Wayne - Ind
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: Tennessee

The Outlaws
QB: Phillip Rivers - SD
RB: Michael Turner - Atl
RB: Matt Forte - Chi
WR: Brandon Marshall - Den
WR: Eddie Royal - Den
TE: Chris Cooley - Was
K: Phil Dawson - Cle
D: New York Giants

2008-11-25T21:59:00.000-08:00

Week 13 Schedule

THU, NOV 27

Tennessee at Detroit
9:30 AM

Seattle at Dallas
1:15 PM

Arizona at Philadelphia
5:15 PM

SUN, NOV 30

San Francisco at Buffalo
10:00 AM

Baltimore at Cincinnati
10:00 AM

Indianapolis at Cleveland
10:00 AM

Carolina at Green Bay
10:00 AM

Miami at St. Louis
10:00 AM

New Orleans at Tampa Bay
10:00 AM

NY Giants at Washington
10:00 AM

Atlanta at San Diego
1:05 PM

Pittsburgh at New England
1:15 PM

Denver at NY Jets
1:15 PM

Kansas City at Oakland
1:15 PM

Chicago at Minnesota
5:15 PM

MON, DEC 1

Jacksonville at Houston
5:30 PM

2008-11-25T19:56:00.000-08:00

Tuesday Review v3.12

We are starting to find our legs, a dozen weeks into the season, as all but one team surpassed the century mark this week. Only The Dominator failed to score over 100 points, and he was just 3.47 points short of the mark (or a performance from Jay Cutler that wasn't worse than the guy on the Amazing Race who couldn't do the Russian parade march).

With everyone in the top three of the league scoring between 114 and 117 points, there wasn't much movement in the standings, which bodes well for the league leaders. The Maestro had the best week, allowing our defending champ to crawl a little closer to 4th place (YAWN). The bottom, for the umpteenth week in a row, remains unchanged.

Official Stadings (Week 12):
Cyclones 1,339.19 (114.31)
The Dragons 1,284.22 (117.92)
Gnomies 1,268.55 (115.98)
The Dominator 1,224.95 (96.53)
The Maestro 1,209.50 (124.05)
Team STY 1,165.88 (104.47)
The Outlaws 1,075.27 (100.06)

In such a productive week for the league, it's tough to find a situation where the wrong players took the field. One of the only cases this week involved The Outlaws. Brandon Jacobs (DNP) practiced all week, reported to the stadium ready to play, and even told a reporter that he looked forward to the challenge of Arizona's defense. His coach, however, had other plans and held Jacobs out of the game. Meanwhile, Matt Forte (22.30) was having a big game as the Bears rolled into first place in the NFC North. For that stroke of bad luck, The Outlaws are presented with this week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award.

Atop the PPFFL for another week are the Cyclones. Their standing is based this week on the play of Drew Brees (50.46) and the Tampa Bay defense (23.00). The Bucs fell behind by 17 to the Tabby Cats, but stormed back to win in a rout on the shoulders of their defense, which accounted for two returns for a touchdown, along with a punt return for a TD. This kept the Lions winless for the season, moving them one step closer to being the only 0-16 regular season team in NFL history. Their next whupping is sure to come on Thanksgiving Day, as they play the 10-1 Titans in their traditional home game in front of a national audience. As if the economy wasn't bad enough, America has to watch the Lions play again on Thanksgiving. At least they're giving America something to get excited about, though, as one of the only things America likes more than economic prosperity and fast food is colossal losers. The Lions are as colossaly bad as a professional sports team can get and being winless on the season is something that will unify America in rooting against them so that they can possibly attain immortal failure in 2008. So CBS has that going for them this Thursday, which is nice. Is there any way Dick Stockton can be traded by Fox to CBS so that the ineptitude on the field will be matched by the ineptitude in the booth? It might save the Lions players some embarrassment if the guy announcing the game to America called most of them by the wrong names.

Gaining a few points this week were The Dragons. Kurt Warner (34.02) was steady again and was helped along by a breakout game from Terrell Owens (26.65). Andre Johnson (18.80) and Marshawn Lynch (16.20) were also solid, but that doesn't matter, because T.O. finally got his. And, against the team that originally drafted him and babysat him for six years, to boot. T.O.'s game was so huge, it nearly equalled his output for the last month. Things were so good that he wore normal clothing and gave a pretty normal interview after the game, without shedding a tear. The tears are usually saved, though, for later in the season when Jessica Simpson shows up, Tony Romo's head goes fuzzy, and the brutal Texas media starts questioning the QB's mental fortitude. T.O. may be due for another big game, as the Seahawks come to town on Thanksgiving. These aren't your parent's Seahawks....wait a minute, yes they are. That franchise has regressed to the point where they might not be able to beat some of the original teams that featured players like the guys who stunk before players like Jim Zorn, Curt Warner, Steve Largent, and Kenny Easley got there. The over/under posted by Vegas with regard to when Troy Aikman starts handing out his Gobbler awards in an attempt to divert the attention away from the lameness of the Seahawks is the 14:30 mark of the second quarter. Of course, if Jessica Simpson is there in a pink Romo jersey and T.O. isn't getting the ball, we might see Lazy Town's favorite cab driver either naked or in tears before Kurt Menefee gets to throw it to Terry Bradshaw to describe the pounding Tennessee gave the Tabbys earlier in the day....

Still somewhat in the championship chase are the Gnomies. At the very least, they've proven that they have some staying power. The greatest American of them all, Brett Favre (35.93) continues to put up numbers that defy his age and his recent penchant for throwing a ton of passes to the other team at the worst possible times. America, or more specifically the American sports media, needed this type of un-retirement season from Favre. You can't expect the so-called "experts" in print, on the radio, and on television to give up praising Our Favrer cold turkey. They need another year or two to gradually move away from the high praise while hopefully finding someone else to focus their undying love. When you consider that Our Favrer has brought a perennially underachieving team in the nation's largest media market to the precipice of something potentially great and a slight chance to play in the world's biggest football (American) game against the defending league champion that also hails from the largest media market....well, you have a scenario where about 100 media members will drop dead of a heart attack simply because they promised they would give up their lives if they could ever report on a story of that magnitude. Of course, if Favre would simply leave the field after the game to blow a few snot rockets into the press box, all of those fat losers and blow dried automatons would be right back on their feet to proclaim Favre the greatest person to ever walk the face of the earth.

The worst team of the week was The Dominator. If there's a silver lining, this was like being last in the AFC East, not the NFC West (Week 1 for The Outlaws was like being the worst in the NFC West). If not for a Grossman-like effort from Jay Cutler (6.78), against Oakland of all teams, this could have been a stellar week. Balance was in profusion, as Tony Gonzalez (24.65), Anquan Boldin (21.30), Clinton Portis (12.95), and Joseph Addai (12.05) were the big players for the week. Gonzalez is having a season on par with Steve Carlton's 1972 season with the Phillies, in which he had 27 of their 55 wins. For a team that has lost 16 of their last 18 games, his stats, especially for a tight end, are nothing short of amazing. In case you've forgotten, Tyler Thigpen, the pride of Coastal Carolina, is the team's QB. The undisputed, undefeated, coed slap boxing champion of the world, Larry Johnson, is the occasional running back (when he shows up on time and isn't bloated from eating Doritos and drinking orange creme sodas). And, Herm "You play to win the game (you do know, Herm, that you have to actually score more points than your opponent to win, don't you?)" Edwards is killing time until he can join the Fox network as the latest sap who gets paid to be Dick Stockton's verbal editor for 17 weeks each fall.

The Maestro had his biggest week since Tom Brady and the Patriots were running up the score on teams last season. Peyton Manning (41.10) is back in fantasy football franchise player form, while the Pocket Hercules, Maurice Jones-Drew (26.65) has strung together some solid games this past month. It's too bad the guy can't make up for the fact that David Garrard is the team's QB. That's right, the guy who managed not to do too many things wrong last season, and who actually played a good game in the playoffs at Pittsburgh, has gone back to being the guy we all (or at least the author of this summary) knew would be the anchor around his team's neck. I would guarantee that Jags coach Jack of the River would trade Garrard for the following players, straight up: Tyler Thigpen, Shaun Hill, John Kitna, Derreck Anderson, Pat Burrell, Landon Donovan, and J.J. Redick.

Settling pretty comfotably into 6th place is Team STY. This week was one of their better ones this month, as Tony Romo (40.67) abused the Niners and very highly paid CB Nate Clements. DeAngelo Williams (19.00) might be in the running for mid-season pick up of the year, but it's hard to award that to a guy on a 6th place team. Antonio Gates (4.40), though, is a dark horse to win the Antwaan Randle-El Award for Total Suckitude. He was once accepted in some parts as being superior to Tony Gonzalez, and now he's just trying to keep Brandon Manumaleuna from taking his starting spot. These times are rough for the Bolts, as they have gone from being a serious contender for the Super Bowl to being the league's greatest underachiever. Much like the Redskins did back in the mid 1990s, and the Raiders did when Bill Callahan was run out of town. The one man these teams all had in common was their head coach, Norv Turner. It won't be long until "To Norv" will be defined as taking a skill advantage in a competition and turning it into a loss in said competition. As in, "Rafael Nadal really norved it when he lost that set against the dude from The Amazing Race who couldn't manage to do the Russian parade march."

Like an old friend who is always there right before it's time to leave a party, we run into The Outlaws. These guys are starting to wake up, just like in previous seasons, but they're doing it this year at the same time the rest of the early season dorks have decided to finally do well. Phillip Rivers (37.01) had a nice week, even though his team norved. Michael Turner (32.85) toted the ball across the goal line 4 times for the Falcons, just two days before the speculation started to swirl about where former Falcon franchise face Ron Mexico would play when he gets out of the cro-bar motel. Is there any doubt whatsover that Senor Mexico is destined to wear the silver and black? I mean, come on....who else will be anxious to sign a known troublemaker who has been in jail for a couple of years and who wasn't exactly lighting it up on the field before he was sent away? If you want to split hairs, giving Mexico a 5 year 50 million dollar deal would be better than the deals that Al Davis gave to Javon Walker and Tommy Kelly last offseason. In fact, the occasional long QB keeper would give Greg Papa something to yell about besides the bi-weekly punt return for touchdown by Tommy Lee Higgins.

Notes:

Thanksgiving Day, arguably of the most anticipated football watching day of the year, features the Lions, Seahawks, and suddenly sad sack Eagles. What has America done to deserve this? When our new President takes office in January, let's hope that some of the change he promised involves not having to watch such crappy teams play on Thanksgiving Day anymore.
One of the reasons we almost had every PPFFL team top 100 points for the week was because this was one of the highest scoring weeks in NFL history. I don't know exactly where Week 12 fell in the annals, because Stuart Scott was reporting the story and my ears began bleeding after hearing him talk for 10 seconds.
Speaking of Stu, Bronx cheers go out to ESPN for teasing America (an ME, in particular) by having Suzy Kolber adeptly handle the MNF pre and post game shows last week. Bringing Stu back this week was like if, after FDR announced Hitler had been killed, he came back the following week to announce that Adolf was actually going to be the new U.S. Secretary of Transportation.
At the end of the Kings game last night, after a John Salmons drive attempt was turned back by the Blazers, thus preserving a 91-90 win for the home team, Peaches Napear proclaimed, "One thing you can guarantee is that Nate McMillan told his team that if Salmons got the ball he was going to go to his right." Here are some other things you can guarantee during a Kings telecast: Peaches will prematurely get overly excited as a King goes up for a shot, only to be disappointed when the ball clangs off of the rim; Jerry Reynolds will offer nothing of substance during the whole telecast and will only contribute stupid nickname after stupid nickname; Peaches will give out the number for Kings tickets more often than Jerry Lewis gives out his number during his telethon, and will tell us over and over about how much fun we're missing by not being at Arco Arena (the only differences between Kings games and the Jerry Lewis telethon at this point are that during Kings games you won't see juggling midgets or Carrot Top....scratch that, there is a chance you might see Carrot Top sitting with the Maloof brothers); and, last but not least, during the 3rd quarter you will see the best advertisement ever for why really old people shouldn't drive, when Peaches, Jerry, and Garry Gerould get together for their TV/radio simulcast pow-wow. In keeping with the Jerry Lewis telethon theme, it's like a double dose of Ed McMahon during a basketball game, with a side of peaches. And, the Ed we're talking about is the one that has to get totally sloshed to stay awake for all 36 hours of the telethon. That's the condition that the G-man walks around in every day, without the assistance of the booze.
Last week's Pillow Fight of the Week was Houston 16, Cleveland 6. I know what you are thinking, "Wait a minute, the NFL gave Houston and Cleveland teams to replace the ones that left for other cities?"
This week's frontrunner for PFOTW is Kansas City @ Oakland, which has the potential to be the Pillow Fight of the Year.

That's all for now. Have a phenomenal Thanksgiving (whoa, I think I channelled Bob Fitzgerald there...it must have been because of the midget reference earlier). And, do great things, gentelmen...and boys.

The Commish

2008-11-24T10:47:00.000-08:00

Monday Memo v3.12

Week 12 has been another good one across the league so far, as it seems that a lot of NFL teams are loosening the reigns a little on their offenses. Even the Raiders scored 3 offensive touchdowns, nearly doubling their total for the season.

As for the PPFFL, the order of the standings hasn't changed, although there was a move or two made by teams down in the standings. Tonight's game carries a good deal of importance, as the league heads toward the final five weeks of the season.

Current Standings:
Cyclones 1,288.73
The Dragons 1,284.22
Gnomies 1,241.10
The Dominator 1,215.95
The Maestro 1,209.50
Team STY 1,165.88
The Outlaws 1,075.27

Tonight's battle between Green Bay and New Orleans will be closely watched, for the play on the field, not to see if Jaws finally tries to choke Kornheiser out on national cable television. The play of Drew Brees agaisnt one of the NFL's best pass defenses this season will dictate what kind of lead the Gnomies will have heading into the last five weeks. The Gnomies, meanwhile, are pulling for a big night from Aaron Rodgers against one of the NFL's worst pass defenses. If Rodgers gets hot, it will likely mean Gnomies Greg Jennings, Donald Lee, and Mason Crosby will be scoring fantasy points at a healthy clip. The Dominator will be watching the whole thing hoping that a bunch of Saints drives stall out in field goal range, allowing Garrett Hartley plenty of opportunites to score points.

A full recap of the week that was to follow tomorrow.

2008-11-18T12:06:00.000-08:00

Week 12 Schedule

THU, NOV 20

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
5:15 PM

SUN, NOV 23

Tampa Bay at Detroit
10:00 AM

NY Jets at Tennessee
10:00 AM

Buffalo at Kansas City
10:00 AM

Chicago at St. Louis
10:00 AM

New England at Miami
10:00 AM

Minnesota at Jacksonville
10:00 AM

Philadelphia at Baltimore
10:00 AM

Houston at Cleveland
10:00 AM

San Francisco at Dallas
10:00 AM

Oakland at Denver
1:05 PM

Washington at Seattle
1:15 PM

NY Giants at Arizona
1:15 PM

Carolina at Atlanta
1:15 PM

Indianapolis at San Diego
5:15 PM

MON, NOV 24

Green Bay at New Orleans
5:30 PM

2008-11-18T10:41:00.000-08:00

Tuesday Review v3.11

Week 11 was the best week from top to bottom this season in the PPFFL, as five teams crossed the 100 point threshhold. The team that had the worst week, however, was the one that could least afford it, as an uncharacteristically bad week from The Dragons allowed the Cyclones to increase their cushion at the top of the standings. Further down, the Gnomies were able to put a little more distance between themselves and The Dominator, while the solid weeks from The Maestro and Team STY were basically nullified by everyone else's solid weeks.

Official Standings (Week 11):
Cyclones 1,224.63 (122.12)
The Dragons 1,166.30 (81.95)
Gnomies 1,151.57 (120.76)
The Dominator 1,129.42 (116.27)
The Maestro 1,085.25 (117.25)
Team STY 1,061.31 (106.66)
The Outlaws 975.11 (94.43)

In another unanimous decision of the ISWIWHPTGA committee, The Dragons "win" the "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award for Week 11. Marshawn Lynch (27.85) was doing it all on the shores of Lake Erie on Monday Night, scoring on the first touchdown pass in NFL history that went from a Stanford QB to a receiver from Cal. You could almost see Bill Walsh and Pappy Waldorf coming together in heaven and sharing a hug for the very first time, tears streaming down their faces. Anyway, while Lynch was on the bench for The Dragons, Reggie Bush (DNP) was a late scratch from his game by the Saints and Brian Westbrook (6.55) was caught up in that mess of a game between the Eagles and Bengals.

The best score for the week was posted by the team at the top of the standings. The Cyclones changed their lineup a little after a lackluster Week 10 and got the production they desired. Newcomers Roddy White (13.10) and the Arizona defense (11.00) were augmented by the solid weeks from Drew Brees (28.72), Frank Gore (20.70), Larry Fitzgerald (20.55), and LaDainian Tomlinson (13.85). Gore and Fitzgerald were the major players in a banner week for the NFC West, as two of their teams actually won games. Okay, so the two winners played teams also from the NFC West, so they were guaranteed to have two winners for the week. Not so fast, Dunnavunn!!! With this division, a tie isn't entirely out of the question. And, for those of you who don't play for the Eagles, ties can occur in the NFL. This isn't high school or college, this is the NFL where the powers that be don't necessarily have to declare a winner every time the ball is kicked off.

The Dragons took a roundhouse kick to the face as Terrell Owens (6.90), Andre Johnson (6.75), Brian Westbrook (6.55), and Kellen Winslow, Jr. (5.00) had as much of an impact on their games as Reggie Bush had on his. In all honesty, though, only Johnson and Westbrook performed at levels below what we could reasonably expect this season. T.O. won't be buying the excuse of Romo's broken pinky for much longer. It will be interesting to see how the melt down carries itself out. T.O. is perfectly capable of throwing everyone in the organization under the bus, as he did in both San Francisco and Philadelphia. He could also break down crying in defense of everyone, as he did last season when the fans and media were all over Romo because of the way his airheaded blonde girlfriend seemed to be affecting his play. A combination of both would be great. For instance, T.O. could blow a gasket and criticize everyone from Jerry Jones to Jason Garrett to Romo to the guy who hangs T.O.'s loud clothes in his locker. In the midst of blaming everyone for why he can't get open anymore, he could break down and tearily propose marriage to Jessica Simpson, promising her that he would love her way more than Romo ever would. In one last fantasy note, Kurt Warner (38.75) continued his push to wrest the PPFFL MVP award awayt from Drew Brees, who has been rather average since the bye week.

Making a move on second place are the Gnomies. They got a good start on the week by getting solid production from the Jets on Thursday night. Brett Favre (39.71), Thomas Jones (16.95), and Jerricho Cotchery (13.35) were all good for about 2-and-a-half quarters, before they decided to try to hand the game to New England. Mason Crosby (16.00), Greg Jennings (14.20), and Donald Lee (13.65) were also solid in Green Bay's pantsing of Chicago, meaning this fake team put most of their eggs into the baskets of two teams. It's good that the two teams were the Jets and Packers, rather than the Rams and Seahawks. One of the biggest stories all season has been the Favre saga, as the fates of both the Jets and Packers are being followed very closely. Both teams are currently in first place (although, the Pack is tied with Chicago and Minnesota). Should both teams advance to the playoffs, the story will become even bigger as a potential Favre vs. Green Bay Super Bowl would shatter the record for the biggest media slobber fest over one player in the history of sports. The television ratings would be astronomical, as even casual fans would be interested in seeing the living legend try to win the championship against the team that finally took him seriously about retiring. If this were the NBA, the league would be training its officials right now to make sure that pairing happened.

Still fighting hard to get off of the PPFFL equator is The Dominator. Joseph Addai (26.65), Anquan Boldin (25.45), and Jay Cutler (25.52) led the way, although Cutler's numbers are a little disappointing for a QB who has had some really big weeks this season. Garrett Hartley (12.00) and the Miami defense (10.00) were solid contributors in positions that aren't counted on for a ton of points. Garrett Hartley, by the way, is the kicker for the Saints. If you care, then there's this guy nicknamed Peaches that has a radio show every afternoon in Sacramento. You should call him and share your immense sports knowledge with not only him, but the whole Sacramento Valley. Do me a favor and ask him a question about baseball. It's always fun to hear him go to his money baseball answer of, "As long as Mariano Rivera is healthy, I don't see anyone beating the Yankees!" Tony Gonzalez (6.95) came back to earth a little after his monster Week 10, proving that Week 11 Tyler Thigpen is no Week 10 Tyler Thigpen.

The Maestro cracked 100 for the first time in awhile, bringing back some memories of when his team had players on it that actually scored touchdowns. Peyton Manning (43.45) had his best week of the season, when it comes to fake football stats. He was joined in double figures by Maurice Jones-Drew (19.65), Wes Welker (16.10), and the Pittsburgh defense (12.00). The Steelers D should have been credited with another 8 fantasy points, but the officiating crew in their game blew a call on the last play of the game, ruling that when Troy Polamalu intercepted a lateral and returned it for a TD, it didn't count because an earlier lateral in the play was forward and immediately killed the play. The officials were very wrong with this interpretation of what happened, and admitted so after the game. The call had nothing to do with the outcome, as the Steelers still won. It just had a serious affect on gambling (the Steelers were 5 point favorites and would have covered the spread if the TD had been correctly allowed) and fantasy football. So it was a REALLY important call that those guys blew. Not to stir things up, but the guy in the replay booth that radioed down to the field to contest the play was listed in the official game summary as T. Donaghy.

Hanging tough in 6th place is Team STY. These guys got great production from the backfield as Marion Barber III (22.65) and DeAngelo Williams (21.00) picked up the slack for their QBs who were struggling. Barber's QB just happened to be the same as the one for this fake team, as Tony Romo (20.81) might need another game or two to get back to the level he played at before he got hurt and when he wasn't being told by management to throw 75% of his passes to a pouting T.O. Braylon Edwards (16.20) had a solid game on Monday night, helping Brady Quinn win his first game as a starting QB since before his Notre Dame team was crushed by LSU in the 2007 Sugar Bowl. That game carried a lot of significance, as it was proof that Notre Dame was headed for some tough times under supposed savior Charlie Weis. That game also likely convinced Al Davis to use the #1 pick in that April's draft on LSU QB JaMarcus Russell. Russell's performance in that game, against a weak Irish defense, likely led him and his agent to believe he was much better than he really was. The result was a long holdout and a ton of criticism from not only the media, but eventually Raider fans. On the bright side, holding out kept him from starting until the end of last season, saving him about 10 beatings at the beginning of his career.

The Outlaws were a different QB away from cracking the 1,000 point barrier for the season, as Phillip Rivers (8.93) didn't perform up to the standards set by the rest of the team. If he ahd been at the level of Eddie Royal (17.00), the Giants defense (17.00), Michael Turner (16.05), Brandon Jacobs (15.65), and Brandon Marshall (10.45), he would have posted something around 35 points (like benched QB Aaron Rodgers did) and this team would be in quadruple figures. We'll now have to wait until Week 12 for everyone in the league to get there. That keeps with PPFFL tradition, as the last team to crack 1,000 during our first two seasons did so in Week 12. That is a hidden statistic that doesn't seem to mean anything now, but could mean something if it continues to happen over the next few seasons. My prediction is that I will totally forget about this quirky stat and never bring it up again.

Notes:

The Pillow Fight of the Week ended up being the 13-13 tie between Cincinnati and Philadelphia. Who knew that NFL games could end in a tie? Not Dunnavunn McNabb or DeSean Jackson.
Stuart Scott was finally fired by ESPN!!! Well, maybe not, but he was replaced on ESPN's MNF coverage last night by Suzy Kolber. Merrill Hoge was also on set in place of Steve Young. That meant that viewers were left with only one panel member (Emmitt Smith) out of three who confused everyone when they opened their mouth.
There's a rumor going around that Bob Costas is dying his hair in an attempt to beat back an onslaught of gray hair. If that's true, I hope someone is closely monitoring the dosage of dye that is being applied.That stuff is strong, and too much of it might harm someone who is the size of the average third grader.
Joe Maloof is an imbecile.....and he's gay (according to Traci).
According to Madonna, A-Rod is a burning poet trapped inside of one of the hunkiest bodies on earth. If that's the case, I bet he has thousands of haikus about frosting his tips and choking in the playoffs laying around his house.

On that note, the latest installment of the review is complete. Get your lineups in, because the NFL Network wants to shove the Bengals down everyone's throats on Thursday night.

As usual, do great things.....

The Commish

2008-11-17T10:12:00.000-08:00

Monday Memo v3.11

The Cyclones extended their lead a little in what has been the best week for the PPFFL from top to bottom this season. The past few weeks, it has been rare for more than a couple of teams to crack the 100 point barrier. This week it was done by four teams, with another coming very close to cracking the century mark.

Current Standings:
Cyclones 1,224.63
The Dragons 1,161.30
Gnomies 1,151.57
The Dominator 1,126.17
The Maestro 1,085.25
Team STY 1,045.21
The Outlaws 975.11

Tonight's mega marquee matchup between the Bills and Browns (When did ESPN think this game was being played, 1965? This hasn't been an interesting matchup since....ever.) carries little importance in the PPFFL, other than in the quest of The Dragons to stay within striking distance of the leaders. They have Kellen Winslow, Jr. suiting up for them, a week after the best game in his very disappointing career. We'll see tonight if Brady Quinn was the QB that he needed to get him the ball, thereby unlocking the potential that he had when he came out of The U as a me-first prima donna. More than likely, he'll follow his career path to date and catch a couple of passes, drop a couple of more, miss some blocks, and end up whining to the media after the game that he's unappreciated and can't put up the stats he's capable of for such a dreadful team. Oh, and the Browns will lose again.

Other PPFFL teams represented tonight are The Dominator (Jamal Lewis) and Team STY (Braylon Edwards) who will also be counting on Quinn to lead the Cleveland offense to something similar to last week and not the crap that we all got used to over the first nine weeks of the season.

A full review of Week 11 to follow sometime in the next 65 hours.

2008-11-13T15:52:00.000-08:00

Week 11 Starting Lineups

Cyclones
QB: Drew Brees - NO
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - SD
RB: Frank Gore - SF
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
WR: Roddy White - Atl
TE: Dallas Clark - Ind
K: John Kasay - Car
D: Arizona

The Dragons
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
RB: Reggie Bush - NO
WR: Andre Johnson - Hou
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal
TE: Kellen Winslow, Jr. - Cle
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: Philadelphia

Gnomies
QB: Brett Favre - American Hero
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
RB: Thomas Jones - NYJ
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
WR: Jerricho Cotchery - NYJ
TE: Donald Lee - GB
K: Mason Crosby - GB
D: Chicago

The Dominator
QB: Jay Cutler - Den
RB: Jamal Lewis - Cle
RB: Joseph Addai - Ind
WR: Santana Moss - Was
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: Garrett Hartley - NO
D: Miami

The Maestro
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jac
RB: Ronnie Brown - Mia
WR: Wes Welker - NE
WR: Steve Smith - Car
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: Pittsburgh

Team STY
QB: Tony Romo - Dal
RB: Marion barber III - Dal
RB: Steven Jackson - StL
WR: Braylon Edwards - Cle
WR: Reggie Wayne - Ind
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: Tennessee

The Outlaws
QB: Phillip Rivers - SD
RB: Brandon Jacobs - NYG
RB: Michael Turner - Atl
WR: Brandon Marshall - Den
WR: Eddie Royal - Den
TE: Chris Cooley - Was
K: John Carney - NYG
D: New York Giants

2008-11-13T15:48:00.000-08:00

Week 11 Transactions

The Outlaws waive Owen Daniels (TE - Houston) and acquire Kevin Boss (TE - New York Giants)

The Dominator waives Taylor Mehlhaff (K - New Orleans) and acquires Garrett Hartley (K - New Orleans)
The Dominator waives the Minnesota defense and acquires the Miami defense

The Gnomies waive Josh Scobee (K- Jacksonville) and acquire Mason Crosby (K - Green Bay)

The Cyclones waive Dwayne Bowe (WR - Kansas City) and acquire Roddy White (WR - Atlanta)
The Cyclones waive the Baltimore defense and acquire the Arizona defense

2008-11-12T11:29:00.000-08:00

Week 11 Schedule

THU, NOV 13

NY Jets at New England
5:15 PM

SUN, NOV 16

Denver at Atlanta
10:00 AM

Philadelphia at Cincinnati
10:00 AM

Chicago at Green Bay
10:00 AM

Houston at Indianapolis
10:00 AM

New Orleans at Kansas City
10:00 AM

Oakland at Miami
10:00 AM

Baltimore at NY Giants
10:00 AM

Minnesota at Tampa Bay
10:00 AM

Detroit at Carolina
10:00 AM

St. Louis at San Francisco
1:05 PM

Arizona at Seattle
1:05 PM

San Diego at Pittsburgh
1:15 PM

Tennessee at Jacksonville
1:15 PM

Dallas at Washington
5:15 PM

MON, NOV 17

Cleveland at Buffalo
5:30 PM

2008-11-12T10:33:00.000-08:00

Tuesday Review v3.10

I know, it's not Tuesday. I could tell you that the Week 10 review wasn't posted yesterday in honor of Veteran's Day, but that's not the case. The real reason is this: Jack and Alex came to work because of the school holiday and, instead of screwing around to kill some time, we all actually worked (or, at least we did until two of us packed it in after lunch). On the way home from work, we stopped at the Watt Avenue access to the American River. While there, we chucked a few rocks before finding a tennis ball. We threw it into the water a couple of times, then lanunched big rocks at it in an attempt to get it back to the shore. The ball eventually ended up in a placid inlet where it probably moved about an inch since yesterday afternoon.

After that, we got slurpees and went to Rau Park to blast some soccer balls around. We went home, fed the dogs, and decided we needed to play a little more soccer. We did that until it got dark, came home, made dinner, ate, and settled in to watch the Kings play the Pistons. In case you missed it, the game wasn't exactly the crowning event of Brad Miller's career. Once the game was over, there wasn't exactly overwhelming motivation to write this summary. So, that's how we got here.

As for the PPFFL, The Dragons made up some ground on our leaders; The Dominator made a huge move and is threatening to make a run at the top of the league; and The Outlaws are trying to make a run at the two teams that won the first two PPFFL championships.

Official Standings (Week 10):
Cyclones 1,102.66 (94.34)
The Dragons 1,084.35 (118.21)
Gnomies 1,030.81 (91.59)
The Dominator 1,013.15 (141.14)
The Maestro 969.00 (92.89)
Team STY 954.75 (98.18)
The Outlaws 880.68 (110.99)

This week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award goes to The Maestro. Last season's champ must have gotten spoiled penciling Tom Brady into the lineup week after week and lost all sense of reality when it came to choosing a QB. This week's choice was Shaun Hill (19.44)...of the 49ers. It really makes no difference who the other choice at QB was. When someone plays a Niner QB, there is obviously a better choice somewhere. And for those of you who look at Hill's stats and think, "He wasn't really that bad", consider this: He threw about 5 interceptions that were wiped out by penalties against Arizona. His performance on Monday night was very Grossman-esque.

Seeing their comfortable lead shrink hasn't seemed to affect the Cyclones much. They're still upbeat, even though Drew Brees (35.44), Larry Fitzgerald (16.45), and the Baltimore defense (16.00) were the only ones to produce last weekend. Off weeks are bound to happen, but the kids have to be hoping they don't become a regular occurence. They need guys like Calvin Johnson (6.60), Chris Johnson (3.15), and LaDainian Tomlinson (9.85) to step up, or else they might get run down by....

...The Dragons. These guys keep riding the right arm of Kurt Warner (54.56), who, in all reality, probably did a little worse than we all expected him to do against the Niners. It's a good things he cracked half a hundred, because the only other real production came from Kellen Winslow, Jr. (28.55). Wait a second, let me read back over that. Yep, Kellen Winslow, Jr. actually caught some passes and scored a couple of TDs. And, we all thought he and Jeremy Shockey had a deal to overhype themselves while never doing anything productive on the field and complaining about everyone and everything off of it.

Still in 3rd place, at least for now, are the Gnomies. They had great games from running backs Adrian Peterson (23.25) and Thomas Jones (28.45), and not much from anyone else. Greg Jennings (4.85), Jerricho Cotchery (1.90) and Donald Lee (1.30) put up numbers that would embarrass Antwaan Randle-El. Brett Favre, meanwhile, was hampered by the ineptitude of the Rams. Leading them 40-0 at halftime, the Jets did the honorable thing and stopped throwing the ball completely in the 2nd half, while removing the majority of their starters one series into the 3rd quarter.

The big mover of the week was The Dominator. Jay Cutler (44.39) was back to his early season self, while Anquan Boldin (24.55) looks to have fully reovered from his horriffic facial injury. Tony Gonzalez (30.65), meanwhile, put up huge numbers in a game where he was obviously the main focus of the Chiefs' game plan. As in, Tyler Thigpen's game plan read, "Gonzalez is the only NFL caliber receiver we have on the roster. Throw it to him as much as possible and ignore stiffs like Dwayne Bowe, Mark Bradley, and Will Franklin. Oh, and we have absolutely no running game. Good luck!"

Things looked pretty good for The Maestro in the early action on Sunday. Maurice Jones-Drew (25.70), Wes Welker (19.20), and Ronnie Brown (13.30) all did well in the morning games. The afternoon games, however, featured too much Smith, as in Steve (1.45) and L.J. (4.80). Let's give it up to L.J., though. Not only did he play, he actually did something that could be measured statistically. It's been quite some time since we've been able to say that.

The official PPFFL team in turmoil right now is Team STY. Utilizing way more waiver transactions than in past seasons is not what they had in mind. While Tony Romo is nursing his broken pinky with mai tais and TLC from J-Simp, this team is picking up guys like Leon Washington (11.00) and Dunnavunn McNabb (29.13). The waiver guys played well last week, but that obviously hasn't been the case all season. And, let's officially add Plax Burress (7.85) to the Me-First Receivers Club of Underachieving Malcontents. He becomes the third official member, joining T.O. and Randy Moss.

Making overtures of getting out of the cellar are The Outlaws. As has been pointed out before, no matter how far back these guys get, they always make a late season move up the standings. They're still a ways from passing someone, but they're starting to get a little frisky. Eddie Royal (26.90), Brandon Jacobs (19.30), Matt Forte (19.30), and Brandon Marshall (16.45) all performed well, offsetting the struggles had by Aaron Rodgers (12.39). These guys won't be winning the PPFFL championship, but they look like they're going to make a run at putting one of our past champions into the cellar.

Notes:

Mike Ham, I mean Lamb, is a certified buffoon. While Peaches was ripping on Mike Martz for his ineptitude during the final drive of the game Monday Night, Lamb's "devil's advocate" position was more idiotic than usual. When Peaches hammered Martz for not ordering a spike of the ball to kill the clock after the official's review, Ham says, "Yeah, but then what do you do? I mean, you have the guys out there, go ahead and run the play." Ahem, excuse me no-neck, but didn't you play football for a long time? How about killing the clock, finding out exactly where the ball is spotted, then calling and running a play that is actually organized? That's just what a casual observer would do. I'm sure, though, that the expert analysis and opinion that Ham gives between bites on turkey legs is better than anything I could come up with.
I just read where the Raiders on Sunday faced the following 4th down distances: 11, 13, 17, 19, 22, and 23. If legs had rotator cuffs, Shane Lechler would be getting his surgically repaired at the end of this season.
If Ron Jaworski had his way, I think he'd have Bill Bergey come into the Monday Night Football booth specifically to punch Tony Kornheiser in the face.
Stu Scott made a comment on the MNF pregame show that their crew was facing a bit of a conflict of interest with Steve Young commenting on the team that made him a hall of famer. Either Stu forgot that Emmitt Smith finished his career with the Cardinals, or he agrees with everyone else that Emmitt's time in the desert wasn't what made him a hall of famer.
The Pillow Fight of the Week was unquestionable Panthers 17, Raiders 6. When the winning team's QB has a rating of about -12 and the losing team puts all of their equipment away before the end of the game (SeaBass said that all of the practice balls had been put away and the net had been taken down when he went to warm up before his 58 yard attempt at the end of the game), you have yourselves a slap fight of enormous proportions.
For Week 11, the PFOTW is Rams/Niners. Need anyone say more?

That's it for this week. Sorry for the abbreviated format, but I had to get it done before the Gumbelievable matchup of Jets/Patriots hits the airwaves tomorrow night.

Get those Week 11 lineups in and don't take any wooden nickels.

The Commish

2008-11-10T10:44:00.000-08:00

Monday Memo v3.10

This week was a little better than last week in the PPFFL, as we already have a couple of teams that have cracked the 100 point barrier. That being said, the only movement in the standings could be The Dominator moving back into 4th place.

Current Standings:
Cyclones 1,086.21
The Dragons 1,023.74
Gnomies 1,012.86
The Dominator 988.60
The Maestro 949.56
Team STY 947.75
The Outlaws 880.68

Tonight's NFC West battle between the Niners and Cardinals carries a lot of importance for out little fake league. The top of the standings could get tighter if The Dragons' Kurt Warner has another big game against Arizona's Bay Area whipping boys. The only problem is, Larry Fitzgerald is suiting up for the Cyclones, so any huge Warner numbers may be partially offset by the ones posted by his favorite target. The Dominator is hoping Anquan Boldin is Warner's main man tonight, as he has an outside chance to move into 3rd place by the end of play tonight. The Niners performance will affect the battle for 4th place, as The Maestro started Shaun Hill this week and Team STY has Joe Nedney.

A full recap of the week that was to follow tomorrow....

2008-11-07T19:26:00.000-08:00

Week 10 Starting Lineups

Cyclones
QB: Drew Brees - NO
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - SD
RB: Chris Johnson - Ten
WR: Calvin Johnson - Det
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
TE: Anthony Fasano - Mia
K: John Kasay - Car
D: Baltimore

The Dragons
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: Marshawn Lynch - Buf
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
WR: Andre Johnson - Hou
WR: Randy Moss - NE
TE: Kellen Winslow, Jr. - Cle
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: Philadelphia

Gnomies
QB: Brett Favre - America
RB: Thomas Jones - NYJ
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
WR: Jerricho Cotchery - NYJ
TE: Donald Lee - GB
K: Josh Scobee - Jac
D: Chicago

The Maestro
QB: Shaun Hill - SF
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jac
RB: Ronnie Brown - Mia
WR: Wes Welker - NE
WR: Steve Smith - Car
TE: L.J. Smith - Phi
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: Pittsburgh

The Dominator
QB: Jay Cutler - Den
RB: Joseph Addai - Ind
RB: Jamal Lewis - Cle
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
WR: Marques Colston - NO
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: Taylor Mehlhaff - NO
D: Minnesota

Team STY
QB: Dunnavunn McNabb - Phi
RB: Johnathan Stewart - Car
RB: Leon Washington - NYJ
WR: Braylon Edwards - Cle
WR: Plaxico Burress - NYG
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: Tennessee

The Outlaws
QB: Aaron Rodgers - GB
RB: Matt Forte - Chi
RB: Brandon Jacobs - NYG
WR: Brandon Marshall - Den
WR: Eddie Royal - Den
TE: Owen Daniels - Ten
K: John Carney - NYG
D: New York Giants

2008-11-05T10:23:00.000-08:00

Week 10 Schedule

THU, NOV 6

Denver at Cleveland
5:15 PM

SUN, NOV 9

New Orleans at Atlanta
10:00 AM

Tennessee at Chicago
10:00 AM

Jacksonville at Detroit
10:00 AM

Seattle at Miami
10:00 AM

Green Bay at Minnesota
10:00 AM

Buffalo at New England
10:00 AM

St. Louis at NY Jets
10:00 AM

Baltimore at Houston
10:00 AM

Carolina at Oakland
1:05 PM

Indianapolis at Pittsburgh
1:15 PM

Kansas City at San Diego
1:15 PM

NY Giants at Philadelphia
5:15 PM

MON, NOV 10

San Francisco at Arizona
5:30 PM

·Bye: Cincinnati, Dallas, Tampa Bay, Washington

2008-11-04T19:10:00.000-08:00

Tuesday Review v3.9

Week 9 was a wheezer for the PPFFL, as nobody reached 100 points for the week (although, The Dragons came reeeeaaaaaaalllllllyyyyy close). The Cyclones maintained their lead, but it was chipped into a bit when Ben Roethlisberger went out at halftime with a shoulder injury. The fact that he wasn't playing well was probably a good thing, as he definitely had the potential to pull at least a half-Grossman last night.

Further down in the standings, The Maestro made it to the geographic center of the league, which is quite an accomplishment when you consider how the first 8 weeks went for our defending champ. The battle for fourth place looks to stay tight for awhile, as The Dominator and Team STY are within a TD of taking over 4th themselves.

Official Standings:
Cyclones 1,007.32 (86.25)
The Dragons 966.14 (99.99)
Gnomies 939.22 (86.57)
The Maestro 877.11 (97.78)
The Dominator 872.01 (89.99)
Team STY 871.84 (61.49)
The Outlaws 754.42 (85.08)

The Gnomies take home the "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award for Week 9. They kept Chad Ocho Cinco (18.85) on the bench while starting Greg Jennings (6.95). This decision didn't carry the impact of the decisions singled out for Weeks 7 and 8, but it did put this team closer to 4th place than it is to 1st. These guys were fighting for the top spot just a few short weeks ago, and now they are going to have to do some work to stay out of the second division. Regarding Mr. Ocho Cinco, he deserves a hand for finally doing something on the field that warranted some mention. Most people outside of Cincinnati probably thought he had been hurt all season, while those in the Queen City were likely wishing he had been hurt. COC just proves the axiom of "when you rely on a guy who is only in it for himself, you get a guy who is only in it for himself". Hasn't it been a banner year for all of those receivers who only care about how they personally look at the end of play on Sundays? Terrell Owens and Randy Moss are the poster boys for the me-first attitude. This year that's getting them about 4 catches and 30 yards per game with a touchdown about every three weeks. Those are numbers, by the way, that COC would kill for right now.

Going into last night, the Cyclones had the only realistic chance of busting through the 100 point barrier for the week. Unfortunately, their QB didn't put up the numbers usually expected from one of the more competent guys in the league. Ben Roethlisberger (4.05), subbing for PPFFL mid-season MVP Drew Brees (who was no doubt spending his bye week casually strolling the streets of New Orleans, paying close attention so as not to step on homeless people or in human waste), had the type of game one would expect from guys named O'Sullivan, Orlovsky, and, yes, Grossman. Fortunately for this fake team, Chris Johnson (20.05) and Calvin Johnson (18.40) picked up the slack. {If I were a lame headline writer, I would have titled this summary "Johnson and Johnson Stop the Bleeding for Cyclones"} Solid contributions were also garnered from David Akers (15.00) and the Ravens defense (11.00). In what could have been a rough week where everyone chasing them got a lot closer, the rest of the league struggled, leaving them a nice lead with Brees coming back into the lineup. This may have been a golden opportunity lost for....

...The Dragons, who came a gnat's whisker from being the only team in triple digits for the week. Kurt Warner (39.24) continues to prove the critics wrong and his buzz cutted wife right on a weekly basis. As the NFL is a league of copycats, it's astonishing that other teams haven't been sending their 2nd and 3rd string quarterbacks to work bagging groceries in the offseason. At the very least, you would think teams would have these guys handling live snakes during church revivals while scanning the pews looking for the hottest woman with the shortest haircut. The 31 teams outside of Arizona are really dropping the ball on this one, and have been doing so for the last decade. Back to the fake football for a minute, Andre Johnson (13.10) has really turned into a solid contributor, meaning the Texans are slightly more relevant than they usually are, since most people outside of Houston believe the Texans are the team Jim Kelly signed with when he jumped to the USFL. Brian Westbrook (10.80) wasn't his usual self in Week 9, probably because his feelings were hurt when he was informed that the biggest Eagles fan on the West Coast played his backup in a fantasy league last week. As he headed from the locker room to the team bus, he was reportedly heard saying, "If he thinks Correll is so great, then he must be thrilled that I did about three times better than him today. In fact, maybe next week I'll do exactly what Correll does...sit on my big butt and watch someone good gain all of the yards and score all of the touchdowns." Dunnavunn McNabb then came over to console Westbrook, pointing out that the same Eagles fan didn't even draft him this year, instead opting for a graying holy roller who is married to someone who looks like she should be holding up a "No on 8" sign somewhere in Berkeley.

Trying to stay in the hunt are the Gnomies. This team was once on top of the league, but are now trying to regroup after another lackluster week. In a league where QBs bring home the bacon, Brett Favre (16.42) instead brought home bacon flavored tofu. Tofacon, if you will. Adrian Peterson (15.95) and Steve Slaton (13.90) continued to put up solid numbers in the backfield, and were helped by T.J. Houshmanzadeh (10.25). There must have been one heck of a party in the Bengals' locker room on Sunday. For the first time all season, somebody besides the guy returning kickoffs got to put up some decent fantasy numbers. Thier victory over the Jaguars left the Lions as the only winless team in the league. The Lions opponent in Week 10: none other than those same Jags. If the Jags, a team that made a solid playoff run last season, were to lose to winless teams in consecutive weeks in the middle of the season, it would be a real head-scratcher. A head-scratcher along the lines of a 7'0" tall NBA starting power forward snatching all of 4 rebounds over the course of 4 games. And, yes, we're talking about you, Mikki Moore. Your performance thus far has been as irrelevant as Joe Biden was before Barry O tabbed him to be V.P.

Leading the pack of teams hoping to make the second half of the season uncomfortable for those in front of them is The Maestro. It would be nice to say that our defending champ finally found a successful formula, but that's not the case. Instead, this team simply had a less bad week than most everyone else. Peyton Manning (36.08) has begun to play better as we head into the second half of the season, so there is at least a sliver of hope that this team can find some consistency. The Pittsburgh (20.00) defense also came up big, and kept this week from being a big disappointment. Both running backs found the end zone for this team for the first time all season, as Ronnie Brown (13.45) and Maurice Jones-Drew (13.65) did the trick, but there was nearly no production from wide receivers DeSean Jackson (5.65) and Devin Hester (8.95). There was literally no production from L.J. Smith (DNP) who didn't play and watched his backup's backup have a career day. Sebastian Janikowski (0.00), meanwhile, only got to step on the field for the opening kickoff, as the Raiders were humiliated by Atlanta, in a game that deserves its own section of the summary.

A few points further back is The Dominator. When the opening kickoff boomed in Washington last night, this team was the odds on favorite to be in 4th place when the clock showed all zeroes for the last time. Instead, Clinton Portis (13.20) and Santana Moss (2.70) failed to match the production of the Steelers defense and kept this team in 5th place for another week. Jay Cutler (28.24) was back in action, but failed to approach his early season numbers, probably because he wasn't facing the passive defenses of Oakland or San Diego. Anquan Boldin (16.65) seems to have recovered from a scary face injury suffered a few weeks ago. The Minnesota defense (12.00) had a solid day and Tony Gonzalez (10.10) found his way into double figures. At first glance, you would think this fake team had a solid week, but closer inspection shows a bunch of guys who did okay, but not great....kind of following with the theme for the season so far....for just about every PPFFL team.

Suffering through the worst of Week 9 was Team STY. This team has hit the skids since Tony Romo broke his pinky and handed the reigns to Eli Manning (25.44). Romo's imjury seems to have crippled the Dallas offense, hurting former stud Marion Barber III (3.10) more than anyone. If not for a good game from Braylon Edwards (14.30) this team could have found itself in no man's land. As it stands now, they still have a good shot to recover and play their way into the middle of the standings. Romo can't come back quickly enough, but even his presence might not be able to save the Cowboys' season. T.O. has practically gone into Operation Shutdown, and you can almost feel sorry for the guy; you know, if he wasn't such a selfish malcontent. Jerry Jones must have thought Romo was a relative of Iron Man, as he didn't exactly go out and find himself quality backups for his franchise player. Jerry with the tightly stretched face might want to take a page from the book of Mike Leach, Texas Tech's coach, who found himself a kicker when a student won a contest at halftime of one of the Red Raiders' early season games. Jerry should open Texas Stadium up on a Tuesday and offer anyone who can walk upright a chance to throw three passes to targets set up on the field. It is my contention that upwards of 5,000 people would prove they are more qualified than Brad Johnson and Brooks Bollinger to play QB for the Cowboys. In other words, that many people would be able to throw a ball outside of their own shadows, something Johnson and Bollinger seem incapable of doing (in all fairness to Bollinger, he spent his whole collegiate career handing the ball off to Ron Dayne, so Sunday was probably the first time in his adult life he was actually asked to throw the ball). A random drawing could be held to pick the 3 people to suit up for the following game and keep things interesting until Romo comes back.

Finishing in the middle of the pack for the week were The Outlaws. Aaron Rodgers (24.33), the Giants defense (16.00), Brandon Jacobs (14.85), and Chris Cooley (11.90) were the main contributors. It was a solid week for a team that has struggled mightily at times, and would have been better if not for a plethora of drops from Green Bay's receivers. Rodgers played a heck of a game and kept the Pack in it against the unbeaten Titans, after receiving a nice contract extension earlier in the week. Do you think he's gotten over the disappointment of sliding from a potential #1 overall pick to #24 a few years ago? Since he's a local guy, I can honestly say I'm happy he was not taken by the Niners, who instead opted for the guy with hands the size of an elf, Alex Smith. Nobody, not even Joe Montana in his prime, would have been successful with the recent Niner teams, so it's nice that the local kid went to a team that could be competitive when it was his time, while keeping him from getting his brains scrambled on a weekly basis. Cry not for Alex Smith, though. He has about 35 million things to soften the beatings he's absorbed over the past 4 seasons. Plus, with guys like Brooks Bollinger in the league, there will be a place for him on somebody's roster somewhere in the league.

Notes:

The NFL Network is blessing us with one of their Gumbelievable Thursday night games this week, so roster changes and starting lineups need to be submitted as soon as possible.
In political news, Barry Obama has just been declared the winner of the 2008 Presidential election, thereby becoming the 44th President of the United States of America. Here's hoping he's able to achieve something positive for our great land (although, things aren't nearly as bad as all the chronic whiners in our country would like everyone to believe). If he can persuade our corrupt and inept national government to do anything productive, then maybe he is as brilliant as Oprah wants us to believe. More than likely, he'll make bold pronouncements that never come to fruition and he'll end up floundering just like about 35 of the previous 43 presidents did. In our government, where special interests make all of the decisions through the deeds of the Senators and Congressment that they pay to get elected, the only really positive change comes in the aftermath of something horrible. The populace totally unifies only when we are shocked collectively as a nation. If Joe Biden is right, and someone out there in the world decides test our seemingly naive and inexperienced Chief Executive by attacking us, then the change Barry promised might come about...even if he has to drop some bombs on rogue states before sitting down and having hot cocoa with their psycho leaders.
Speaking of psycho leaders, how about them Raiders? Three first downs in a whole game from a team is what you usually see in a Playstation 2 game between USC and Prairie View A&M. This team has gotten to be so bad that their opponents appear to be letting up on them after awhile. How else to explain Atlanta not scoring in the final 3 quarters after driving for easy scores on their first 4 possessions? Even the biggest Raider haters have to feel a little bad for them right now. The world famous Raider fans, even at their delusional best, have to be close to the breaking point. When you consider the ineptitude of the Niners, you have some really stinky football being played in Northern California. In fact, if you combined both teams by taking their best players from each position, you still wouldn't have a team that could win 8 games. Both teams have horrible offensive and defensive lines; way below average quarterbacks and wide receivers; pretty good running backs; decent linebackers; and cover your eyes awful defensive backs. Heck, the only interesting battles for a job in this scenario would be between the punters and kickers. Northern California football fans, we have definitely hit rock bottom. Actually, we hit rock bottom about two years ago and have been wallowing in our own funk ever since.
Add the Giants, A's, and now the Kings and Warriors to the mix, and 2008-2009 looks like less than a banner year for these parts. Is there something in the water? Let's examine each case individually:

Giants: Brian Sabean somehow mixed up his player wish list for the Giants with the player wish list for an upcoming Giants fantasy camp. Or, he somehow got a kickback from AARP for signing so many guys who were closing in on retirement.

A's: Billy Beane is a genius in that he blows off a couple of years, making expectations so low that he can surprise everyone with few 85 win seasons. He's obviously looking at 2010 as the next year that he can puff out his chest about his competitive team that is only being paid a collective $7.5 million.

Warriors: The owner has decided to start pinching pennies and appointed someone with no knowledge of sports to keep Chris Mullin from awarding contracts like the one he gave to Adonal Foyal. Don Nelson might or might not be drunk when the ball is tipped every night. Stephen Jackson is the man this year, meaning Stephen Jackson is the man this year. Corey Maggette, second only to Shareef Abdur Rahim when it comes to putting up good stats on lame teams, was the team's biggest addition of the offseason.

Kings: This is going to be a long season. Someone needs to tell Reggie Theus that, in a rebuilding year, it is not practical to play crappy veterans at the expense of promising youngsters. If Mikki Moore, Shelden Williams, or Bobby Jackson play long enough to break a sweat, then they're playing too much. Also, what kind of management schedules Disney on Ice for the first week of the season? Are the Maloofs that desperate for a buck? Wait, don't answer that question.

And, with that, the summary on this most historical of nights is complete. Until next time, be safe, and may you get everything you wish for. I, personally, will be getting a job in the front office of the New York Yankees, while also getting a $23 million advance to publish a collection of these fantasy football summaries. At least, that's what President Obama said to me in an email exchange we had a couple of months ago when I asked why I should vote for him. If you ask me, I'm making out way better than the lady who said she wouldn't have to pay for gas or her mortgage anymore. Now, if I could just find those emails.....

Do great things, gentlemen...and boys.

The Commish

2008-11-03T10:11:00.000-08:00

Monday Memo v3.9

It was another lackluster week in the PPFFL, as it is conceivable that only one team will crack the 100 point barrier for the week. Much to the chagrin of the rest of the league, that team appears to be the Cyclones. If Ben Roethlisberger makes it through tonight's game without pulling a full Grossman, our leaders will put even more distance between themselves and the rest of the league.

Further down in the standings, the battle for 4th place has turned into a mosh pit as, going into tonight's play, The Maestro, Team STY, and The Dominator are all separated by exactly one point. Unfortunately for Team STY, they are virtually guaranteed to be in 6th place at the end of play tonight, as they have nobody playing, while the other two should be picking up at least a couple of points.

Current Standings:
Cyclones 1,003.27
The Dragons 966.14
Gnomies 939.22
The Maestro 857.11
Team STY 856.57
The Dominator 856.11
The Outlaws 757.79

Tonight's collision between the Steelers and Redskins carries with it the chance, as described above, for the Gnomies to build a commanding lead on the arm of Ben Roethlisberger. It also carries the chance for The Maestro to rise to his highest standing in weeks, if the Steelers defense can come through with a big game. More than likely, though, The Dominator will end the night in the geographic center of the league, as he will have both Clinton Portis and Santana Moss taking the field. Chris Cooley will be putting forth some effort in the name of The Outlaws, and if he has the greatest game ever had by a tight end at any level of play...well, his fake team will still be holding up everyone else in the standings.

2008-11-01T09:40:00.001-07:00

Week 9 Starting Lineups

Cyclones
QB: Ben Roethlisberger - Pit
RB: Chris Johnson - Ten
RB: LenDale White - Ten
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
WR: Calvin Johnson - Det
TE: Anthony Fasano - Mia
K: David Akers - Phi
D: Baltimore

The Dragons
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
RB: Marshawn Lynch - Buf
WR: Andre Johnson - Hou
WR: Randy Moss - NE
TE: Kellen Winslow - Cle
K: Rian Lindell - Buf
D: Philadelphia

Gnomies
QB: Brett Favre - America
RB: Steve Slaton - Hou
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
WR: T.J. Houshmanzadeh - Cin
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
TE: Donald Lee - GB
K: Josh Scobee - Jac
D: Chicago

Team STY
QB: Eli Manning - NYG
RB: Marion Barber III - Dal
RB: Willis McGahee - Bal
WR: Braylon Edwards - Cle
WR: Plaxico Burress - NYG
TE: Dustin Keller - NYJ
K: Nick Folk - Dal
D: Tennessee

The Dominator
QB: Jay Cutler - Den
RB: Clinton Portis - Was
RB: Jamal lewis - Cle
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
WR: Santana Moss - Was
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: Shayne Graham - Cin
D: Minnesota

The Maestro
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jac
RB: Ronnie Brown - Mia
WR: DeSean Jackson - Phi
WR: Devin Hester - Chi
TE: L.J. Smith - Phi
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: Pittsburgh

The Outlaws
QB: Aaron Rodgers - GB
RB: Brandon Jacobs - NYG
RB: Michael Turner - Atl
WR: Roy Williams - Dal
WR: Domenik Hixon - NYG
TE: Chris Cooley - Was
K: John Carney - NYG
D: New York Giants

2008-11-01T09:33:00.000-07:00

Week 9 Transactions

The Outlaws waive Dunnavunn McNabb (QB - Philadelphia) and acquire Kyle Orton (QB - Chicago)
The Outlaws waive Adam Vinatieri (K - Indianapolis) and acquire John Carney (K - New York Giants)

The Dominator waives Taylor Mehlhaff (K - New Orleans) and acquires Shayne Graham (K - Cincinnati)
The Dominator waives the St. Louis defense and acquires the Minnesota defense

Team STY waives Tony Sheffler (TE - Denver) and acquires Dustin Keller (TE - New York Jets)
Team STY waives the San Diego defense and acquires the Tennessee defense

The Gnomies waive Phillip Rivers (QB - San Diego) and acquire Kerry Collins (QB - Tennessee)
The Gnomies waive the Tampa Bay defense and acquire the Chicago defense

The Dragons waive Nate Kaeding (K - San Diego) and acquire Rian Lindell (K - Buffalo)

The Cyclones waive Deuce McAllister (RB - New Orleans) and acquire LenDale White (RB - Tennessee)
The Cyclones waive Joe Nedney (K - San Francisco) and acquire David Akers (K - Philadelphia)

2008-10-28T18:59:00.000-07:00

Week 9 Schedule

SUN, NOV 2

NY Jets at Buffalo
10:00 AM

Detroit at Chicago
10:00 AM

Jacksonville at Cincinnati
10:00 AM

Baltimore at Cleveland
10:00 AM

Green Bay at Tennessee
10:00 AM

Arizona at St. Louis
10:00 AM

Houston at Minnesota
10:00 AM

Tampa Bay at Kansas City
10:00 AM

Miami at Denver
1:05 PM

Atlanta at Oakland
1:15 PM

Dallas at NY Giants
1:15 PM

Philadelphia at Seattle
1:15 PM

New England at Indianapolis
5:15 PM

MON, NOV 3

Pittsburgh at Washington
5:30 PM

·Bye: New Orleans, San Diego, San Francisco, Carolina

2008-10-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

Tuesday Review v3.8

In what was a much better week in the NFL than the previous one, the Cyclones built up their lead a little more and, in doing so, became the first team to crack the 900 point barrier. The Dragons are doing their best to keep contact with the top, while the Gnomies and Team STY both floundered this week and need to turn things around a little if they want to be relevant in the second half of the season.

Meanwhile, at the bottom, The Dominator took 5th place away from The Maestro. If only Dallas Clark would have knocked down that 4th quarter pass over the middle instead of tipping it right into the arms of the Titan defender, our defending champ would be in 5th place at the 8/17th point of the season....

Official Standings (Week 8):
Cyclones 921.07 (138.53)
The Dragons 866.15 (122.77)
Gnomies 852.65 (100.90)
Team STY 795.08 (65.88)
The Dominator 781.96 (111.77)
The Maestro 779.33 (91.96)
The Outlaws 684.61 (68.81)

Not to beat a dead horse, but The Dragons take home the "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award for the second week in a row. Expecting Bran Westbrook (31.45) to sit out the game or have a limited impact, they tabbed Correll Buckhalter (4.15). Westbrook ended up playing, and playing well, while Buckhalter was relegated to his usual backup duties. It was a classic case of "right team, wrong player" and kept this fake team from being closer to the top spot in the standings. Had this team not won this award the last two weeks, their deficit in the standings would only be 11 points. And, if the rest of us drafted a little better we wouldn't be getting whipped by a group of 3rd and 4th graders.

The Cyclones held onto the top spot mainly due to the play of PPFFL Half Season MVP Drew Brees (50.98). Brees proved that he can not only succeed while playing home games in arguably the stinkiest city in America, but he can also light it up while playing on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean. LaDainian Tomlinson (22.50) also had some fun in London, as the Saints and Chargers did their best to provide our European cousins with a football score as far removed as possible from the football scores the English are used to. Larry Fitzgerald (15.75), Frank Gore (14.95), and the Baltimore defense (12.00) also cracked double figures in an effort that is becoming rather normal for this squad. Week 9 will pose a challenge, though, as Brees and Tomlinson have the week off. If the rest of the league is going to catch up (well, realistically that means The Dragons and the Gnomies, everyone else is on the verge of being toast) it will likely happen this week.

Back in 2nd place are The Dragons. Solid play from Kurt Warner (48.62), Andre Johnson (21.15), and Marshawn Lynch (15.75) compensated for the Westbrook/Buckhalter blunder, and the fact that starting TE Vernon Davis (5.45) was banished to the locker room by his head coach before the end of the 3rd quarter. On the bright side, Vernon accomplished more before Mike Singletary sent him to his room than he usually does in a full 60 minutes. Terrell Owens (6.65) failed to reach 100 yards receiving for the 100th straight week (I think it's only actually 11 weeks) and I'm sorry that I missed his postgame interaction with the press. Was T.O. dressed like he made his clothes out of various international flags, or did he dress down like he was an extra in "Staying Alive"? With all of the turmoil surrounding the Cowboys, and this is tough to believe, it might be hard for T.O. to make enough of a ruckus to be heard. Between Jerry Jones and the speculation about the injury to Tony Romo, poor T.O. is getting left behind a little. It's highly likely that he's just waiting for the right time to let loose and give everyone a piece of his mind. Methinks that will come if he has another 2 or 3 catch outing in their next game.

Sliding back a place this week were the Gnomies. Their week would have been great if they had been spending the whole season lumped with the teams behind them. Instead, since they've been running with the big boys, it was a week of disappointment. Brett Favre (33.75) led the way based more on quantity than quality. Not only did the hometown Jets fans boo him for the first time this season, the consensus around the league was that he was outplayed by Chiefs QB Tyler Thigpen. Let's repeat that: One of the NFL's iconic QBs was outplayed by Coastal Carolina's finest, Tyler Thigpen. If that's not a swift kick to the titanic guts of Chris Berman and Peter King, I don't know what is. Heath Miller (5.60) was his steady and unspectacular self. If you want a TE who is going to get you somewhere between 3 and 7 points in a given week, Heath Miller is your man.

Team STY remains in the geographic center of the standings, but they've given hope to the teams behind them that mediocrity is attainable. Eli Manning (22.43) was himself in a big win over Pittsburgh that came mostly on the backs of New York's running game and defense. Because of his legendary last name and the fact that his team is having success in America's largest media market, it is very possible that Eli could find himself inducted into the Hall of Fame someday. His acceptance speech will last more than 4 hours if he properly thanks everyone responsible for his induction....or only 27 minutes less than Michael Irvin's speed induced induction speech in 2007. Back to the fake team in question, it was really hurt by the late scratch of Steven Jackson (DNP) not to mention the stinkers put up by Reggie Wayne (4.45) and Braylon Edwards (5.20). Had it not been for last week, Edwards would be battling Vernon Davis for the priveledge of holding up the Antwaan Randle-El trophy at the end of the season.

Zooming into 5th place is The Dominator, whose loyalty to the Redskins has sometimes been criticized. Not this week, though, as Santana Moss (35.00) was increidble, having an impact on both offense and special teams. Marc Bulger (23.02) was solid while standing in for his fake football mentor Jay Cutler. Tony Gonzalez (15.95), Jamal Lewis (11.40), and Clinton Portis (10.60) also managed to crack double figures in this team's quest to achieve mediocrity. Spirits are high, and with good reason. On Sunday night, Clinton Portis was stressing to the rest of the fake team how they need to be happy with what they've done, for last season through Week 8, this team trailed by 358 points. This season, the deficit is only 139. Progress, indeed. Clinton then put on his sombrero, Morton Salt raincoat, and oversized reading glasses (with no lenses, by the way), gathered up his imaginary friends, and steered his chuck wagon back to his 23,000 square foot mansion in suburban Northern Virginia.

Baby steps. That's what The Maestro is stressing to his team. A week after his lineup scored a grand total of one touchdown, a scoring free for all was the last thing that could be expected. This week, two players actually accounted for TDs, as Peyton Manning (37.01) did it with his arm and feet, while Steve Smith (25.55) officially is back to being his unstable, yet bad (in a good way) self. Wes Welker (13.75) continues to be Matt Cassel's favorite target, except, of course, when the team gets near the end zone. Jason Witten (1.40) meanwhile, was hurt, although playing with Brad Johnson is like being injured before you ever take the field. Ronnie Brown (3.40) appears to be feeling the effects of the NFL advanced scouting system. It was only a matter of time before defenses stopped freaking out whenever they saw the ball snapped directly to a running back. That's why the NFL is the best. It only takes about 6 weeks for these guys to adjust to something they haven't seen since high school.

The Outlaws had another rough week, as only Dunnavunn McNabb (21.81) and the Giants defense (16.00) cracked double figures. In prior seasons, this is always around the time when this team kicks it into gear and gets itself out of the basement. The task this year might be a little too daunting, though. If a rise in the standings is going to happen, more production is needed out of the likes of Michael Turner (2.90), Domenic Hixon (3.25) and Brandon Jacobs (3.65). At least Roy Williams (8.50) is now on the roster. He once commented that he could personally will his offense to 40 points a game. That was when he was with the Lions, by the way. It's easy to see that Roy wasn't far off with that statement. Almost as far as Pluto would have to travel before the rays from the sun would thaw it out.

Notes:

There hasn't been any recent commentary on the Peaches and Lamb Show, so here goes....Yesterday, these two titans of the airwaves were gloating about how much more productive Oakland TE Zach Miller has been than San Francisco TE Vernon Davis. First of all, these guys weren't exactly extolling the virtues of Dave Casper and Russ Francis. Secondly, since they represent the summer voice of the Raiders and a guy who once lasted about 2 days in their training camp, what other conclusion would Peaches and Lamb come to? Of course, the Raiders fans who are starving for anything positive from their team couldn't get enough of proclaiming to the world how much better Miller is than Davis. Yes, and technically having the Bird Flu is better than having SARS.
Tim McCarver was brilliant last night in telling America how important it was for the Rays to tie the game in the 6th inning of Game 5 of the World Series. Otherwise, it was possible the game, and World Series, would end with a 5 inning 2-1 victory by the Phillies. Is McCarver such an imbecile that he would actually believe a World Series would end with a game rained out after 5 innings? Or, was he just trying to show off to America his vast knowledge of everything baseball without interjecting a sliver of common sense? In this situation, it's definitely a case of two things being equally true.
Memo to the Cosumnes CSD: Bud Selig let the Rays and Phillies play last night, even though B.J. Upton had to swim the last 25 feet when he stole second base in the 6th inning. Meanwhile, you shut down an entire week of soccer when Elk Grove got less than a tenth of an inch of rain. I'm writing in Allan H. Selig on the ballot next week in the spot of CCSD Commissioner.

Well, that's about enough for this week. If I haven't commented on something you were looking forward to, remember this: I actually got it done on Tuesday this week. Baby steps, my friends and brothers, baby steps...

The Commish

2008-10-27T09:42:00.000-07:00

Monday Memo v3.8

Will, Brady, and Jack have hit their stride, as they extended their lead for the second week in a row. Across the pond in London, Drew Brees was lighting up the San Diego defense, leading to more separation between the Cyclones and the rest of the league. The Dragons had a solid week, but still saw the top team get further ahead. A bad week from Team STY has made this a 3-team race as we head for the midway point of the season.

Current Standings:
Cyclones 921.07
The Dragons 866.15
Gnomies 852.65
Team STY 790.63
The Dominator 781.96
The Maestro 742.32
The Outlaws 681.61

Tonight's collision between the Colts and unbeaten Titans brings drama only to the bottom portion of the league. The Outlaws, The Maestro, and Team STY will all be hoping that Indianaplois gets their offense back on track. The Outlwas have the least at stake, though, as they will be getting points from Adam Vinatieri. Having Reggie Wayne means Team STY has a little more at stake. The Maestro's hopes for holding onto 5th place, meanwhile, rest on the arm and formerly infected right knee of Colts QB Peyton Manning. That means he has the most at stake in tonight's game. Considering the fact that being in 5th place really is no different than being in 6th place, it is likely that the main TV in the PPFFL Headquarters will be tuned into World Series Game 5.

A full recap of the week and updated standings to follow at some point tomorrow...or Wednesday.

2008-10-26T08:21:00.000-07:00

Week 8 Starting Lineups

Cyclones
QB: Drew Brees - NO
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - SD
RB: Frank Gore - SF
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
WR: Hines Ward - Pit
TE: Anthony Fasano - Mia
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: Baltimore

Gnomies
QB: Brett Favre - America
RB: Thomas Jones - NYJ
RB: Steve Slaton - Hou
WR: T.J. Houshmanzadeh - Cin
WR: Chad Ocho Cinco - Cin
TE: Heath Miller - Pit
K: Josh Scobee - Jac
D: Tampa Bay

The Dragons
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: Correll Buckhalter - Phi
RB: Marshawn Lynch - Buf
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal
WR: Andre Johnson - Hou
TE: Vernon Davis - SF
K: Nate Kaeding
D: Philadelphia

Team STY
QB: Eli Manning - NYG
RB: Steven Jackson - StL
RB: Marion Barber III - Dal
WR: Reggie Wayne - Ind
WR: Braylon Edwards - Cle
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Nick Folk - Dal
D: San Diego

The Maestro
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind
RB: Ronnie Brown - Mia
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jac
WR: Steve Smith - Car
WR: Wes Welker - NE
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: Pittsburgh

The Dominator
QB: Marc Bulger - StL
RB: Clinton POrtis - Was
RB: Jamal Lewis - Cle
WR: Marques Colston - NO
WR: Santana Moss - Was
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: Taylor Mehlhaff - NO
D: St. Louis

The Outlaws
QB: Dunnavunn McNabb - Phi
RB: Brandon jacobs - NYG
RB: Michael Turner - Atl
WR: Roy Williams - Dal
WR: Domenic Hixon - NYG
TE: Chris Cooley - Was
K: Adam Vinatieri - Ind
D: New York Giants

2008-10-22T21:50:00.000-07:00

Week 8 Schedule

SUN, OCT 26

Tampa Bay at Dallas
10:00 AM

Washington at Detroit
10:00 AM

Buffalo at Miami
10:00 AM

St. Louis at New England
10:00 AM

San Diego at New Orleans
10:00 AM

Kansas City at NY Jets
10:00 AM

Atlanta at Philadelphia
10:00 AM

Oakland at Baltimore
10:00 AM

Arizona at Carolina
10:00 AM

Cleveland at Jacksonville
1:05 PM

Cincinnati at Houston
1:05 PM

NY Giants at Pittsburgh
1:15 PM

Seattle at San Francisco
1:15 PM

MON, OCT 27

Indianapolis at Tennessee
5:30 PM

·Bye: Chicago, Denver, Green Bay, Minnesota

2008-10-22T19:57:00.000-07:00

Tuesday Review v7.3

Okay, so it isn't Tuesday. That doesn't mean we can't get together and reminisce about Week 7 in the 2008 PPFFL season, does it? Cool. This review will be late, but it will be everything you've come to expect when it comes to summarizing the week in owning a fake football team.

When looking back at Week 7, it is appropriate that this summary comes about 36 hours later than usual. The highest scoring team for the week was The Outlaws, who barely topped the century mark. Close behind were the Cyclones, meaning they held onto their hold of the top spot. After those two teams, it was pretty weak...as in, every other team scored fewer than 84 points. Because of this being the weakest week in PPFFL history, the standings are virtually unchanged from Week 6.

Official Standings (Week 7):

Cyclones 782.54 (103.67)

Gnomies 750.65 (80.39)

The Dragons 743.38 (64.67)

Team STY 729.20 (83.82)

The Maestro 687.37 (75.38)

The Dominator 670.19 (71.11)

The Outlaws 615.80 (104.77)

Week 7's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award goes to The Dragons who, when trying to decide which tempermental prima donna WR to play, chose Terrell Owens (3.55) over Randy Moss (20.45). That choice led to the only movement in the standings, as it pushed this team down to 3rd and out of the 2nd place position they were in last week. It's tough to find fault here, though, as neither choice seemed to be a stone cold lead pipe lock. T.O., who hasn't produced since about Week 11 of last season, is now playing with a QB who is a couple of years away from collecting Social Security and who can't throw the ball out of his own shadow, at noon time, when he's indoors. Moss, on the other hand, is finding out with the rest of America why Matt Cassel hasn't started a game since high school. In fact, the guy whom Cassel beat out in high school is now feeling like even more of a failure after watching Cassel steer the greatest regular season team in history right into an iceberg. The x-factor in this scenario happened to be the Denver secondary, who has made every QB on the schedule look like they are playing Arena Football. Cassel got to pick on these sad sacks on Monday night, leading to a big game for Moss and leaving everyone wondering if Brad Johnson, who can't keep the ball airborne for more than one-thousandth of a millisecond, would be able to have the same success against the Broncos, or if Denver would be able to defend a series of 6-inch passes.

Leading off the team by team summaries again are the Cyclones. In an odd week, this team was led in points by a defense that gave up 41 to the Gus Frerotte-led Vikings. Even while getting lit up, the Bears (22.00) defense and special teams managed to score 2 TDs while intercepting 4 passes, collecting 2 sacks, recovering a fumble, and blocking a kick. Calvin Johnson (20.60) of the Tabby Cats had a great game in a loss, which is like saying all living creatures woke up today within 24 hours of the sun rising. His performance more than made up for the first bad game for Drew Brees (14.62) and weak performances from LaDainian Tomlinson (9.35) and Frank Gore (6.05). Dallas Clark (12.05) had his best game of the season (telling you something about how bad his season has been) and Hines Ward (13.00) played well in spite of the fact that a cheap shot may land him on the sideline, unpaid, for a week or two. In a weird week in what is turning into a weird season, it should be no surprise that a team that drafted JaMarcus Russell and Darren McFadden back to back in the 2nd and 3rd rounds would be leading the league.

Popping back up into second place are the Gnomies. Adrian Peterson (22.50) led the way in a week where most quarterbacks (with the exception of those facing Denver) were less than stellar. Brett Favre (12.69) and Steve Slaton (13.45) were the only other players to reach double figures for this squad, but it was enough to move up in the standings. These guys were hurt greatly by the surprising struggles of Favre and his main receiver, Jerricho Cotchery (1.00). It's not surprising that Favre would struggle, as he's always just minutes away from throwing 5 picks, even if he just threw 3 TD passes. No, this was surprsing because it happened in the Oakland/Alameda County Coliseum. The Raiders have had a hard time stopping every QB they've faced, with the notable exception of Tyler Thigpen, so it's a little odd that D'Angelo Hall & Company suddenly figured out how to cover people. They're definitely not Denver, so they've got that going for them, which is nice. And, with one more injury, they might get to face Thigpen again when the Chiefs come to Oakland.

The Dragons easily suffered their most painful week of the season. Their fortunes closely mirrored those of their most recognizable player....you know, the one who alternates between dressing like a color blind pimp and wearing nothing but a pair of Youth XS compression shorts. Andre Johnson (21.05) was the leading scorer for the week, and was the main reason this team didn't challenge the Week 1 futility of The Outlaws. Marshawn Lynch (14.60) contributed some hard earned points and was followed closely by Derreck Anderson (13.42), who actually had one of his better weeks of the season. Reggie Bush (4.80) was hurt in what was a bad game all around for the Saints, while T.O. and Vernon Davis (1.25) were doing a lot of useless running around. Come to think of it, that might be too harsh for Davis, who did catch a pass, making Week 7 a virtual bonanza for him and almost justifying the high first round pick the Niners spent on him. Listen to Mike Martz and he'll tell you that Davis is a freak of nature that runs like a wide receiver with the size and strength of a defensive end. It's too bad that he has the hands of a clock and is counting on a QB who has been sacked 29 times, thrown 10 interceptions, and has lost fumbles 5 times to get him the ball. Add it all up, and Vernon is the frontrunner to win an award that we graciously named in the dishonor of Antwaan Randle-El.

Staying in the geographic center of the league is Team STY. Steven Jackson (31.80) ran wild against a Dallas defense that seemed to take a cue from T.O. and mailed the game in as soon as it became apparent Tony Romo wouldn't play. Romo's absence also hurt this fake team, as they had to turn to Eli Manning (17.52) who became the first NFL QB of the new century to fail to find a way to make the Niners secondary look like a group of special needs kids on a field trip to a museum. Marion Barber III (13.65) decided to play hard enough to get decent stats, which is good because he's the only eligible receiver on the Cowboys that Brad Johnson could reach without the help of a Howitzer. Jerry Jones must be beside himself right now, which might not be far from the truth. Think how much plastic surgery the man has had. If he kept even half of all of the skin he's had removed from his body, he would easily have enough to create a mini version of himelf. Can't you just picture Jerry putting little Jerry (not to be confused with Little Jerry Seinfeld, the fighting rooster) in a little box on the nightstand beside his bed, then waking up every day to gaze at the perfection that is the mini him? Yeah, I can, too. And, I'm sure little Jerry would also be telling Wade Phillips how to coach that team.

[Sidebar]: Watching Game 1 of the World Series right now, in a break during Carl Crawford's at bat in the bottom of the 9th, the Fox cameras panned the crowd and focused on a rather large gentleman in a Phillies shirt. While on camera, the guy belched right into his Phillies rally towel. Knowing that's not the first time that towel has been used for not only that purpose, but much worse ones as well, can you even begin to imagine what that thing must smell like? And to think, there is some poor soul that will have to clean out that guy's hotel room after he and his beer stenched towel go back to Philadelphia, or wherever the heck he came from.

Failing to do something never done before in the PPFFL was The Maestro. Late in the 3rd quarter on Monday night, Wes Welker (18.30) caught a short pass and carried it inside the pylon, giving his fake football team their first touchdown of the week. That TD kept our defending champ in 5th place for another week, which is nothing to really brag about. Sort of like the rest of his lineup for Week 7. Until Monday, the highest scorers were the Pittsburgh defense (13.00) and Sebastian Janikowski (12.00). An immutable law of running a fake football team is: Shall your leading scorers be a kicker and a defense; Ye shall be captaining a hopeless squad. Ronnie Brown (2.40) and the Wildcat were given a beating by Baltimore's defense; Devin Hester (5.90) somehow managed to get hurt and not run a kick back for a TD, even though everyone but Chicago's offensive players were scoring; and Darren Sproles (5.55) was picked up and started seemingly during a period of time when yours truly was blacked out, but still able to operate a computer. On the bright side, SeaBass kicked the longest overtime FG in NFL history (a 57 yarder that was good by at least 10 yards), giving us all hope that he'll get the chance to attempt, and possibly make, another 70-plus yarder later this season.

The Dominator's struggles continue, even though Clinton Portis (17.15) is delivering and justifying the undying loyalty The Big Guy shows for him. Fellow Redskin Santana Moss (15.45) also did well, but that was about it. Jay Cutler (18.76) banged up his throwing hand, then gave everyone who doesn't get to watch J.T. O'Sullivan every week a taste of how adept the Niner signal caller is at turning the ball over. Tony Gonzalez (10.85) got into duoble figures, something which his real team won't be saying much this season. In fact, if Herman Edwards shows up to Chiefs headquarters before noon every day and puts any thought at all into his gameplan, then I'm the Queen of England. Herm stands on the sideline looking like he couldn't care one way or the other which way the game is going. He seems to be very comfortable collecting tons of money while putting in the level of effort normally expected out of a mall security guard. But, hey, it's great work if you can get it.

The Outlaws were one of only two PPFFL teams to break 100 for the week, but, as with everyone else, the week was less than stellar. Still, with the struggles of everyone else, this team is trying to work its way up from the depths. Aaron Rodgers (27.62) didn't exactly put on a clinic, but he was much better than his opponent, Eli's brother. Brandon Jacobs (16.75) ran all over the Niner defense, while the Giants defense (18.00) was taking the ball from J.T. O'Sullivan like...well, like NFL defenses take the ball from J.T. O'Sullivan. Eddie Royal (12.95) and Brandon Marshall (10.20) were able to both hit double figures, even though their team was getting slaughtered in Gillette Stadium. It wasn't a close shave for the Broncos on Monday. In fact, it looked like Mike Shanahan might have left the transcript for his pre-game motivational speech in a tanning bed somehwere. The NFL is a tough league and every game has the potential to be a real battle, so it's disappointing to see a team come out with as little energy as the Broncos did Monday. When that happens, in the paraphrased words of Emmitt Smith, "You get guys like Sammie Morris running all over you. The Kevin Faulk did his thing at the end. And, in the middle, there was that guy that got the ball....and ran...because he's a running back that knows how to run....because you can't never have enough guys who know how to run." Well said, Emmitt. I'm truly sorry for not watching you very much this year. I never knew how important it was for professional sports teams to find guys who knew how to do something as complicated as running. I love you Emmitt, because you're a sports "analyst" that knows how to talk. Unlike Steve Young, who sometimes goes mute for mysterious reasons. You are in a class of your own, Mr. Smith.

Notes:

In a decision as easy as shooting fish in a barrel, the Pillow Fight of Week 7 was Washington 14, Cleveland 11. You know, if the aptly named Browns were to play the Tabby Cats, we would defintely have the makings of the Pillow Fight of the Century. That being said, this weeks frontrunner for the honor goes to Seattle @ San Francisco.
Speaking of San Francisco, the Board of Supervisors and Mayor there are only about three moves away from having a city that recognizes no laws whatsoever. If you want to see what a true liberal's view of Utopia is, wait a few months and travel to The City where you'll no doubt encounter an army of homeless people showing you where all of their favorite public places to relieve themselves are.
The Phillies beat the Rays 3-2 in Game 1 of the World Series tonight, which is way better than either the Dodgers or Red Sox playing in the Fall Classic.
It will be McCarver all night for at least the next few days. As we all know, Tim McCarver know how to talk, and that's what you want out of your color commentators. In fact, McCarver knows how to talk so well that getting facts wrong and talking waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much don't ever get in the way of him doing his job.
In closing, and in honor of Timmy Mac, here's a little story about Fox's favorite blabbering former catcher. In Game 7 of the 1967 World Series, McCarver went to the mound to counsel a tiring Bob Gibson in the 9th inning. With one out to get before the Cardinals were champs, McCarver was no doubt rambling on to the point where Gibson probably wanted to strangle him. When McCarver finally took a breath, Gibson told him to "Get the {bleep} off my {bleeping} mound. The only thing you know about pitching is that you can't hit it. Now get back over there so you can tell everyone how I carried you to a World Series."

With that, remember that Cole Hamels has a change up that's so good, he can't throw it to lefthanded hitters, because lefthanded hitters can hit anyone's....great, now I have McCarver on the brain. I'm going to have a McCarver ear worm until about a month after the World Series is over. The cross I must bear to make this a top notch site.......

Have a great week and do great things.

The Commish

2008-10-22T09:28:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer

Due to actually having to work and make up soccer games unnecessarily rained out a few weeks ago, I have not had time to bless this space with the Tuesday Review for Week 7. Rest assured, I will have it up before midnight tonight. My sincere apologies to you who plan every Tuesday from September through December around when you're going to read the review.

2008-10-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

Team STYMonday Memo v3.7

The kids are ruling the league and the top is starting to separate itself from the bottom as we pass the 7/16th mark of the season. In what was a very lackluster week for the whole league, a week in which only one team might end up breaking into triple figures, the Cyclones and Gnomies have taken back the top two spots in the standings, while Team STY has definitely separated themselves from the bottom three teams, meaning we officially have a four team race for the top as we head toward the midpoint of the season.

Current Standings:
Cyclones 782.54
Gnomies 750.75
The Dragons 743.38
Team STY 729.20
The Maestro 669.07
The Dominator 651.43
The Outlaws 592.65

Tonight's battle in the northeast featuring the Broncos and Patriots carries significance only for the dregs of the PPFFL. The Maestro's quest to register an entire week without a single touchdown being credited to his total comes down to Wes Welker and his performance tonight. If Welker fails to enter the painted grass, while possessing the ball, this will be the first week in PPFFL history where every player started by a team failed to register a touchdown. Meanwhile, a solid performance from Jay Cutler will vault The Dominator all the way up to 5th palce! The Outlaws will be rooting for that big game from Cutler, as they will be playing both Brandon Marshall and Eddie Royal.

Until the full recap of Week 7 tomorrow, don't take any wooden nickels.

2008-10-17T17:02:00.000-07:00

Week 7 Starting Lineups

Cyclones
QB: Drew Brees - NO
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - SD
RB: Frank Gore - SF
WR: Calvin Johnson - Det
WR: Hines Ward - Pit
TE: Dallas Clark - Ind
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: Chicago

The Dragons
QB: Derek Anderson - Cle
RB: Reggie Bush - NO
RB: Marshawn Lynch - Buf
WR: Andre Johnson - Hou
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal
TE: Vernon Davis - SF
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: Cleveland

Gnomies
QB: Brett Favre - America
RB: Steve Slaton - Hou
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
WR: Jerricho Cotchery - NYJ
TE: Donald Lee - GB
K: Mason Crosby - GB
D: Tampa Bay

Team STY
QB: Tony Romo - Dal
RB: Marion Barber III - Dal
RB: Steven Jackson - StL
WR: Braylon Edwards - Cle
WR: Reggie Wayne - Ind
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Nick Folk - Dal
D: San Diego

The Maestro
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind
RB: Ronnie Brown - Mia
RB: Darren Sproles - SD
WR: Wes Welker - NE
WR: Devin Hester - Chi
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: Pittsburgh

The Dominator
QB: Jay Cutler - Den
RB: Jamal Lewis - Cle
RB: Clinton Portis - Was
WR: Santana Moss - Was
WR: Marques Colston - NO
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: Taylor Mehlhaff - NO
D: Minnesota

The Outlaws
QB: Aaron Rodgers - GB
RB: Brandon Jacobs - NYG
RB: Matt Forte - Chi
WR: Brandon Marshall - Den
WR: Eddie Royal - Den
TE: Chris Cooley - Was
K: Adam Vinatieri - Ind
D: New York Giants

2008-10-17T16:57:00.000-07:00

Week 7 Transactions

The Outlaws waive Anthony Gonzalez (WR - Indianapolis) and acquire Roy Williams (WR - Dallas)
The Outlaws waive Ryan Grant (RB - Green Bay) and acquire Shaun Alexander (RB - Washington)

The Dominator waives Shayne Graham (K - Cincinnati) and acquires Taylor Mehlhaff (K - NO)

The Maestro places Felix Jones (RB - Dallas) in the Injured List and acquires Darren Sproles (RB - San Diego)
The Maestro waives the Washington defense and acquires the Pittsburgh defense

The Dragons waive the Philadelphia defense and acquire the Cleveland defense

The Cyclones waive Josh Scobee (K - Jacksonville) and acquire Joe Nedney (K - San Francisco)

2008-10-14T12:26:00.000-07:00

Week 7 Schedule

SUN, OCT 19

San Diego at Buffalo
10:00 AM

Minnesota at Chicago
10:00 AM

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
10:00 AM

Tennessee at Kansas City
10:00 AM

Dallas at St. Louis
10:00 AM

Baltimore at Miami
10:00 AM

San Francisco at NY Giants
10:00 AM

New Orleans at Carolina
10:00 AM

Detroit at Houston
1:05 PM

NY Jets at Oakland
1:15 PM

Indianapolis at Green Bay
1:15 PM

Cleveland at Washington
1:15 PM

Seattle at Tampa Bay
5:15 PM

MON, OCT 20

Denver at New England
5:30 PM

·Bye: Atlanta, Philadelphia, Arizona, Jacksonville

2008-10-14T10:41:00.000-07:00

Tuesday Review v3.6

A relatively lackluster week in the PPFFL turned into a boon for Team STY when Braylon Edwards decided to start catching passes, including ones that led him into the end zone. This once despondent team posted over 150 points for the week and officially became part of the PPFFL's upper tier.

In what is shaping up to be the most exciting season in our fake football league's history, we have at least a four team battle shaping up as we head toward the midpoint of the season. The top two teams, in fact, are separated by less than a point. This is the closest two teams have ever been, anywhere in the standings, at any point in the season. To paraphrase Peaches Napear, this season is going to be a DANDY!

Official Standings (Week 6):
Cyclones 678.87 (117.55)
The Dragons 678.81 (119.47)
Gnomies 670.36 (90.73)
Team STY 645.38 (152.62)
The Maestro 611.99 (96.42)
The Dominator 599.08 (67.94)
The Outlaws 511.03 (68.10)

The Dragons take this week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award. Had they played Andre Johnson (25.95) instead of the less than motivated Randy Moss (4.30), they would be leading the league right now. Heck, they could have subbed Johnson for their other receiver, the brightly clad Terrell Owens (6.10), and the result would have been the same.

The Cyclones took back the league lead on the back of the frontrunner for the 2008 PPFFL MVP Award, Drew Brees (51.75). His performance against the Raiders was about as perfect as a QB can be, as only four of his 30 passes fell to the ground. After the game, though, New Orleans coach Sean Payton had criticism for his franchise player, saying "I know he went 26-for-30 for over 300 yards and 3 touchdowns, but we were playing the Raiders. Those four incompletions are blemishes that are unacceptable to me." Frank Gore (17.85) was headed for a huge day until the Niners took a nine point lead over the Eagles and Mike Martz decided to turn the game over to J.T. O'Sullivan. The result was negative yardage in the 4th quarter, three killer turnovers, and being outscored 23-0. Larry Fitzgerald (14.95) and Calvin Johnson (12.25) had decent games, helping make up for the fact that this team cannot find a tight end that can produce anything better than what Dallas Clark (2.85) did on Sunday.

Only six-one-hundreths of a point back are The Dragons. Kurt Warner (30.67) didn't have his best week of the season, but it was enough to put this fake team into a near tie for first place. Correll Buckhalter (21.90) was a tremendous pickup in the wake of Brian Westbrook's injury. He provided proof that career backups can earn big contracts if they get the chance to start against the Niners. Reggie Bush (18.75) had another great game against a sad sack Bay Area team. Philadelphia's defense (16.00) and Nate Kaeding (12.00) chipped in solid numbers from areas where double figures aren't always a certainty. As mentioned above, one place where big numbers didn't come from was the WR position. Moss looks to be back to his Raider days where, playing with a bad QB, he seemed to only try hard when he ran a deep pattern. Occasionally, like against the Niners, he will connect on one of those routes, but typically he will be worthless, as he was against San Diego on Sunday night. T.O., meanwhile, had his ninth straight game of less than 100 yards receiving. This led to him dressing like a cab driver in Lazy Town and ignoring all reporters, except to reiterate that everything was okay. No, T.O., those Elton John-esque sunglasses suggest that everything isn't okay. The plaid driving hat, though, is a great touch. You might want to wear it next week when you strip down to your compression shorts to do arm curls and crunches in your driveway.

Fading a little in Week 6 were the Gnomies. Their first week of under 100 points in awhile was due mostly to a pedeatrian game from Brett Favre (24.73) and horrible games from Adrian Peterson (5.30) and Steve Slaton (4.05). In fact, had it not been for an exceptional week from the Tampa Bay defense (21.00), this week would have been a near disaster. It just proves the rule that when you rely on Brett Favre to carry your fake football team, you are relying on Brett Favre to carry your fake football team. Oh, and the week off that Favre had to help the economy recover didn't really help. Heck, the stock market went down over 25% during that time. Fortunately for America, Kurt Warner and the Cardinals took care of things, beating the Cowboys and inflicting heartache and grief on Jerry Jones. Had that not happened, God would have surely taken out his frustration on the world's most surgically enhanced oilman billionaire by pushing the stock market down another 500 points yesterday. Kurt, America thanks you and your buzz cut wearing wife.

A great week for Team STY ended on a less than positive note: Tony Romo (42.42) will be out for at least a month with a broken pinky on his throwing hand. Unless there are some front office moves looming for this team, that means it's immediate future is being placed in the shaky hands of Eli Manning. Don't let recent articles stating that Eli is now better than his big brother fool you; this is still Eli. Super Bowl trophies aside, this is the guy who took the gas pipe last night against one of the worst teams in the NFL, albeit the best team in Ohio. Fortunately, guys like Marion Barber III (28.65), Braylon Edwards (23.70), and Reggie Wayne (22.90) stepped up. For the sake of this team, it is imperative that these guys keep producing until Romo comes back. Barber looks to benefit the most statistically, as he will probably be the only eligible receiver that the Cowboys will line up within the throwing range of backup QB Brad Johnson (Did you hear that, T.O.?. Your QB for the next month has a weaker arm than Chad Pennington!).

Leading the pack of also rans at this point is The Maestro. Early in the day on Sunday, it looked as though this team would be making a move similar to that of Team STY. Peyton Manning (37.82) posted about a 35 point first half and Ronnie Brown (13.65) was again racking up yardage out of the Wildcat. Unfortunately, Manning stopped throwing in the 2nd half of their rout and guys like Felix Jones (2.20), Jason Witten (6.75), DeSean Jackson (12.35), and Wes Welker (12.85) didn't get the memo that it was okay for them to score touchdowns. Every player that represents this fake team seems to think that the end zone is covered in burning coals or has hungry grizzly bears waiting there. There are no stats to back this up, but it's likely no other team has a higher yards gained to touchdowns ratio than this team.

The PPFFL's worst Week 6 belonged to The Dominator. Two weeks ago this team was knocking on the door of the penthouse. Now, they are falling back toward the bottom. Jay Cutler (25.94) was decent and Clinton Portis (23.15) was great, but the rest of the team was nearly non-existent. Joseph Addai (0.15) was hurt early against Baltimore. Santana Moss (3.10), meanwhile, was shut down by the laughingstock known as the Rams. The rest of this team either was scratched late because of injury (James Jones and Shayne Graham) or played like their relative anonymity would suggest (Visanthe Shiancoe). One positive, though (and it's nice to have at least one during a week like this), was when the Minnesota defense (14.00) tricked Lions QB Dan Orlovsky into believing the end zone was 20 yards deep. This led to the hilarious highlight of Orlovsky taking a snap at his own 2-yard line and dropping back fifteen yards before rolling out. The fact that he ran the play full speed and even threw the pass after taking about 20 steps while he was out of bounds was the really funny part. It's amazing he didn't realize his mistake when he had to juke to get out of the way of the goal post. "Lions Football 2008: The Field Can't Contain Us!"

Once again, the team summaries end with a recap of the week for The Outlaws. Their week wasn't the worst, but it wasn't much better than the worst. In a week where a lot of guys were scratched late, they lost Eddie Royal to that fate, then saw the heretofore dominant Giants defense (-1.00) get spanked around the field by the heretofore anemic Browns offense. Not even Dunnavunn McNabb (32.30) cashed in on what should have been a 50 or 60 point outing against the Niners. Royal and Brandon Marshall (11.90), the once unstoppable duo for Denver, was hampered by injury and a Jaguar defense that brought out the Jay Cutler of 2006-2007. It's getting late early for this team, as they're about a week and a half's worth of points out of first place. This has been written in past seasons about this team, though, and they always get hot and pull themselves up toward the middle. This team is like Barry Zito. This is their 0-9 start. Now we just have to see if they have a 10-6 finish in them.

Notes:

The League Championship Series are in full swing right now, with Philadelphia up 3-1 on the Dodgers and Tampa leading the Red Sox 2-1. Fox is no doubt hoping for huge comebacks in each series so they can have a World Series featuring two of the biggest media markets in the country, not to mention the Manny and Joe Torre vs. Boston storyline..
During the radio broadcast of yesterday's Rays/Red Sox game, there was this exchange: John Miller: "Joe, what do you think is wrong with David Ortiz? He looks lost up there?" Joe Morgan: "He has to be hurt. He just can't hit the good fastball anymore" It's more than a little ironic that Big Papi's performance has slipped over the last couple of seasons while he has battled chronic injuries. This, after he seemingly morphed from a mediocre big leaguer in Minnesota into an elite power hitter in Boston. It couldn't be because Big Papi was on the juice until 2007 when testing became mandatory and the penalties became stricter, could it?
The Presidential election is less than a month away and, although this site tries to feign from commenting on politics, I thought it would be important to note that if Barry Obama wins, he promises that Keith Olbermann will come to your house once a week to give you a neck rub before you go to bed.
Speaking of Olbermann, I once again missed the colossal Football Night in America show. There was a baseball playoff game that had been decided since the second inning on at the same time, along with a preseason NBA game. It's my loss, because listening to the witty banter among the 23 experts on the FNIA set would have surely made my life better, particularly with regard to the Minnesota/Detroit thriller.
On that note, in case you haven't already guessed, the Pillow Fight of the Week was indeed: Minnesota 12 Detroit 10.

That's all for this week, gentlemen. Until the pads start crashing again, do great things.

The Commish