Tuesday Review v3.1
If nothing else, Week 1 of the 2008 NFL season taught us that our very own Bay Area teams look to be just as crummy as they've been since Jeff Garcia and Bill Callahan left town. The Niners turned the ball over 5 times and only had one meaningful offenseive possession in the 2nd half against the Cardinals, while the Raiders were absolutely pantsed on Monday Night Football by the Broncos. The really sad thing is that neither the Cardnials nor the Broncos are expected to be elite teams this season. But, hey, on the bright side, this isn't the first year we've seen this, so we're all used to it.
Another lesson learned was not to mess with the football gods the way New England did last season. Tom Brady is now officially out for the season, leading to Matt Cassel calling signals for the Patriots. The same Matt Cassel that backed up Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart at USC. That may sound slightly impressive now, but think about 20 years down the line, when most people remember the NFL career of Leinart. Cassel's kids will say, "Sure, you started at QB in the NFL, but you couldn't even beat out someone as crappy as Leinart in college. And, there's now way that guy won the Heisman Trophy."
Week 1 in the PPFFL taught us that combustable personalities can coexist on a fake team, you should beware of who you run off when you want to create your own team, and the football gods have an extremely long memory.
Official Standings:
The Dragons 110.04
Cyclones 104.01
Team STY 102.15
The Maestro 98.59
Gnomies 82.73
The Dominator 52.50
The Outlaws 34.52
This week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award" predictably goes to The Outlaws. Their lineup consisted of a pair of wide receivers (Isaac Bruce and Jabar Gaffney) who failed to score a single fantasy point. Anyone else with a heartbeat would have been a better choice. In all fairness, the battery on the Rascal used by Bruce to get around the field went dead, leaving him to rely on his legs to try and get open. That made him way slower than normal. The Outlaws also sat out Michael Turner (27.30) in favor of Ryan Grant (4.60) and Aaron Rodgers (33.31) in favor of a guy who had his knee blown out, much to the delight of about 95% of America. If you thought Sarah Palin's 80% approval rating as Alaska's governor was high, look at the approval rating for Bernard Pollard. If that guy ran for President, he's win every state but Massachussetts.
Leading the way after Week 1 this season are The Dragons. Terrell Owens (15.35), Pfc. Kellen Winslow, Jr. (13.35) and Randy Moss (18.80) have proven that they can get along, at least for one week, on a fake team. Marshawn Lynch (13.70), like Lance Briggs before him, has proven that getting liquored up and wrecking your car in the offseason while lying about it doesn't negatively impact your Week 1 performance. And, Dunnavunn McNabb and Brian Westbrook (18.60) proved that being loyal to the stars on your favorite team can pay off big dividends, as Dave has grown to realize over the last couple of seasons. What's that? Oh, yeah, he took Kurt Warner (23.24) in round 14 of the draft, not the supposedly washed up Dunnavunn. The Dragons are hoping Dunnavunn's performance on Sunday had more to do with the Rams than anything else.
Close behind after the first week are The Cyclones. This is the team that was created after Alex and Jesse ditched Jack so they could have their own team. Ironically, those three were leading the league after Week 1 of 2007, before slowly dropping back into the middle of the pack. Jack always said that the other two quit listening to him after the first couple of weeks. Maybe he was right. Anyway, these guys were led by Drew Brees (44.26) who took the early lead in the race for 2008 PPFFL MVP. Calvin Johnson (15.35), the Baltimore defense (13.00), and Larry Fitzgerald (10.55) also chipped in, offsetting a disappointing week from LaDainian Tomlinson (8.60).
Riding the arm of Tony Romo (33.75) and the legs of Marion Barber III (20.05) was Team STY. Things couldn't have worked out better than the Cowboys drawing the pathetic Cleveland defense in Week 1. When you consider that, plus the fact that the City of Burning Rivers isn't known for having a huge population of hot chicks, you knew that Romo was due for a big game. Reggie Wayne (20.30) appears to have taken over from 93 year old Marvin Harrison as the Colts top receiver. Okay, Marvin really isn't that old, he just moves like a guy much older. At one point on Sunday night, John Madden commented that he wouldn't be surprised if the Colts went for a big play to Harrison down the sideline. And, how would they accomplish that, John? Would Harrison be riding a Vespa? If Sunday night was any indication, DeAngelo Hall could cover him right now, which isn't a good thing. Of course, I wouldn't say that to Marvin's face. He obviously isn't shy about pulling out a piece and squeezing off a few shots if you insult him, or fail to pay your tab in his bar.
Our defending champ, The Maestro, currenlty sits in the geographical center of the league. It's an improvement over last season, when he sat in last place after Week 1. Of course, last season he put Tom Brady and Randy Moss into the lineup starting in Week 2 and the rest is history. That won't be happing this season, so he'll have to count on Peyton Manning (31.64) and Willie Parker (27.90) to stay solid while guys like Wes Welker (6.55), Devin Hester (5.35) and Fred Taylor (2.35) pick things up a little. Jason Witten (10.80) had a nice week, but was a bit disappointed. He felt he should have done much more against a Browns defense that was required to hop around on one foot the whole game.
Obviously missing Jack's expertise are the Gnomies. Had Adrian Peterson (15.70) not had a nice game on MNF, it would have been a really bad week. The only other double figure scorers for these guys were the New England defense (10.00) and Brett Favre (25.48). You know that, with Brett Favre, this team is going to be relevant all season long. Sorry, Chris Berman broke in there for a second. That could be true, though, as none other than one of Miami's defensive backs admitted that there was divine intervention in play on Sunday. In describing the 4th down play from Miami's 23 where Favre blindly threw a pass up for grabs, only to see some scrub receiver from the Jets catch it for a touchdown, this scrub DB from the Dolphins (come on, this was a Dolphins/Jets game, cut me some slack on not knowing the names) said that since Favre threw the pass, God willed for it to be a touchdown. Really? Most of us just thought it was caught because the play came against the only team that couldn't win 2 games last season. You would think that a team that practices against Chad Pennington every day would be ready for passes that travel very slowly and hang in the air for a long time. When asked about that, Miami's defensive coordinator defended his guys by saying Pennington couldn't throw the ball that high or that far.
Joining Tom Brady as a testament to what the football gods can do to those who show unnecessary hubris is The Dominator. We all remember Week 10 of our inaugural season when he trotted out his "JV Squad" out of "sympathy" to the rest of us. Every week since has seemed to be an even further journey into the abyss. This week was no different, as Matt Hasselbeck (12.80) and Anquan Boldin (12.10) were his only players to reach double figures. Marques Colston (4.30) didn't do much even though Brees was completing passes to everyone in the stadium, including a cheerleader and the guy selling churros in section 219. Joseph Addai (3.35) didn't get much action after the Colts fell behind, Clinton Portis (4.20) brought the wrong personality, and Tony Gonzalez (8.75)....well, he plays for the Chiefs. Hasn't karma had enough fun with this fake team? When will this all be over? If the football gods really do have this long of a memory, can we look forward to New England having about 15 straight losing seasons, Bill Belichick sharing a cell with O.J. Simpson, and the team moving to Cheyenne?
Brining up the rear are The Outlaws. Once Brady went down with the lightning bolt to the knee, things were over for this team. When you don't get any points from your receivers, you have to have a huge game from your QB. That didn't happen, so we got to see a new record set for the lowest single week total in PPFFL history. If not for Branndon Jacobs (10.20), this would have been the first ocho uno in league history (all eight players scoring in single digits). On the bright side, the team in last place gets first dibs on free agent players. A claim was put in for Dunnavunn McNabb before the game was complete on Sunday night. Let's hope that Dunnavunn keeps up his stellar play from the first week. Let's also hope that Isaac Bruce finds a personal transportation device that is reliable enough to get him open a few times this season.
Notes:
If nothing else, Week 1 of the 2008 NFL season taught us that our very own Bay Area teams look to be just as crummy as they've been since Jeff Garcia and Bill Callahan left town. The Niners turned the ball over 5 times and only had one meaningful offenseive possession in the 2nd half against the Cardinals, while the Raiders were absolutely pantsed on Monday Night Football by the Broncos. The really sad thing is that neither the Cardnials nor the Broncos are expected to be elite teams this season. But, hey, on the bright side, this isn't the first year we've seen this, so we're all used to it.
Another lesson learned was not to mess with the football gods the way New England did last season. Tom Brady is now officially out for the season, leading to Matt Cassel calling signals for the Patriots. The same Matt Cassel that backed up Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart at USC. That may sound slightly impressive now, but think about 20 years down the line, when most people remember the NFL career of Leinart. Cassel's kids will say, "Sure, you started at QB in the NFL, but you couldn't even beat out someone as crappy as Leinart in college. And, there's now way that guy won the Heisman Trophy."
Week 1 in the PPFFL taught us that combustable personalities can coexist on a fake team, you should beware of who you run off when you want to create your own team, and the football gods have an extremely long memory.
Official Standings:
The Dragons 110.04
Cyclones 104.01
Team STY 102.15
The Maestro 98.59
Gnomies 82.73
The Dominator 52.50
The Outlaws 34.52
This week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award" predictably goes to The Outlaws. Their lineup consisted of a pair of wide receivers (Isaac Bruce and Jabar Gaffney) who failed to score a single fantasy point. Anyone else with a heartbeat would have been a better choice. In all fairness, the battery on the Rascal used by Bruce to get around the field went dead, leaving him to rely on his legs to try and get open. That made him way slower than normal. The Outlaws also sat out Michael Turner (27.30) in favor of Ryan Grant (4.60) and Aaron Rodgers (33.31) in favor of a guy who had his knee blown out, much to the delight of about 95% of America. If you thought Sarah Palin's 80% approval rating as Alaska's governor was high, look at the approval rating for Bernard Pollard. If that guy ran for President, he's win every state but Massachussetts.
Leading the way after Week 1 this season are The Dragons. Terrell Owens (15.35), Pfc. Kellen Winslow, Jr. (13.35) and Randy Moss (18.80) have proven that they can get along, at least for one week, on a fake team. Marshawn Lynch (13.70), like Lance Briggs before him, has proven that getting liquored up and wrecking your car in the offseason while lying about it doesn't negatively impact your Week 1 performance. And, Dunnavunn McNabb and Brian Westbrook (18.60) proved that being loyal to the stars on your favorite team can pay off big dividends, as Dave has grown to realize over the last couple of seasons. What's that? Oh, yeah, he took Kurt Warner (23.24) in round 14 of the draft, not the supposedly washed up Dunnavunn. The Dragons are hoping Dunnavunn's performance on Sunday had more to do with the Rams than anything else.
Close behind after the first week are The Cyclones. This is the team that was created after Alex and Jesse ditched Jack so they could have their own team. Ironically, those three were leading the league after Week 1 of 2007, before slowly dropping back into the middle of the pack. Jack always said that the other two quit listening to him after the first couple of weeks. Maybe he was right. Anyway, these guys were led by Drew Brees (44.26) who took the early lead in the race for 2008 PPFFL MVP. Calvin Johnson (15.35), the Baltimore defense (13.00), and Larry Fitzgerald (10.55) also chipped in, offsetting a disappointing week from LaDainian Tomlinson (8.60).
Riding the arm of Tony Romo (33.75) and the legs of Marion Barber III (20.05) was Team STY. Things couldn't have worked out better than the Cowboys drawing the pathetic Cleveland defense in Week 1. When you consider that, plus the fact that the City of Burning Rivers isn't known for having a huge population of hot chicks, you knew that Romo was due for a big game. Reggie Wayne (20.30) appears to have taken over from 93 year old Marvin Harrison as the Colts top receiver. Okay, Marvin really isn't that old, he just moves like a guy much older. At one point on Sunday night, John Madden commented that he wouldn't be surprised if the Colts went for a big play to Harrison down the sideline. And, how would they accomplish that, John? Would Harrison be riding a Vespa? If Sunday night was any indication, DeAngelo Hall could cover him right now, which isn't a good thing. Of course, I wouldn't say that to Marvin's face. He obviously isn't shy about pulling out a piece and squeezing off a few shots if you insult him, or fail to pay your tab in his bar.
Our defending champ, The Maestro, currenlty sits in the geographical center of the league. It's an improvement over last season, when he sat in last place after Week 1. Of course, last season he put Tom Brady and Randy Moss into the lineup starting in Week 2 and the rest is history. That won't be happing this season, so he'll have to count on Peyton Manning (31.64) and Willie Parker (27.90) to stay solid while guys like Wes Welker (6.55), Devin Hester (5.35) and Fred Taylor (2.35) pick things up a little. Jason Witten (10.80) had a nice week, but was a bit disappointed. He felt he should have done much more against a Browns defense that was required to hop around on one foot the whole game.
Obviously missing Jack's expertise are the Gnomies. Had Adrian Peterson (15.70) not had a nice game on MNF, it would have been a really bad week. The only other double figure scorers for these guys were the New England defense (10.00) and Brett Favre (25.48). You know that, with Brett Favre, this team is going to be relevant all season long. Sorry, Chris Berman broke in there for a second. That could be true, though, as none other than one of Miami's defensive backs admitted that there was divine intervention in play on Sunday. In describing the 4th down play from Miami's 23 where Favre blindly threw a pass up for grabs, only to see some scrub receiver from the Jets catch it for a touchdown, this scrub DB from the Dolphins (come on, this was a Dolphins/Jets game, cut me some slack on not knowing the names) said that since Favre threw the pass, God willed for it to be a touchdown. Really? Most of us just thought it was caught because the play came against the only team that couldn't win 2 games last season. You would think that a team that practices against Chad Pennington every day would be ready for passes that travel very slowly and hang in the air for a long time. When asked about that, Miami's defensive coordinator defended his guys by saying Pennington couldn't throw the ball that high or that far.
Joining Tom Brady as a testament to what the football gods can do to those who show unnecessary hubris is The Dominator. We all remember Week 10 of our inaugural season when he trotted out his "JV Squad" out of "sympathy" to the rest of us. Every week since has seemed to be an even further journey into the abyss. This week was no different, as Matt Hasselbeck (12.80) and Anquan Boldin (12.10) were his only players to reach double figures. Marques Colston (4.30) didn't do much even though Brees was completing passes to everyone in the stadium, including a cheerleader and the guy selling churros in section 219. Joseph Addai (3.35) didn't get much action after the Colts fell behind, Clinton Portis (4.20) brought the wrong personality, and Tony Gonzalez (8.75)....well, he plays for the Chiefs. Hasn't karma had enough fun with this fake team? When will this all be over? If the football gods really do have this long of a memory, can we look forward to New England having about 15 straight losing seasons, Bill Belichick sharing a cell with O.J. Simpson, and the team moving to Cheyenne?
Brining up the rear are The Outlaws. Once Brady went down with the lightning bolt to the knee, things were over for this team. When you don't get any points from your receivers, you have to have a huge game from your QB. That didn't happen, so we got to see a new record set for the lowest single week total in PPFFL history. If not for Branndon Jacobs (10.20), this would have been the first ocho uno in league history (all eight players scoring in single digits). On the bright side, the team in last place gets first dibs on free agent players. A claim was put in for Dunnavunn McNabb before the game was complete on Sunday night. Let's hope that Dunnavunn keeps up his stellar play from the first week. Let's also hope that Isaac Bruce finds a personal transportation device that is reliable enough to get him open a few times this season.
Notes:
- Free agents can be picked up in reverse order of the standings. And, I wasn't joking when I said The Outlaws put in a claim for McNabb on Sunday night. Get your claims in as soon as you can so I can get things organized.
- For those of you who were breathlessly awaiting the announcement, the season opener between the defending champ Giants and the Redskins was, in fact, the Pillow Fight of the Week.
- I don't want to say I told you so, but Keith Olbermann and Dan Patrick were brutal on Sunday night. Does anybody know why the powers that be at NBC think America wants to see more of Olbermann on their networks? One smarmy know-it-all is enough on any show. Since Bob Costas has been there longer than KO, he gets to stay.
- How about the 3 Mikes calling the Denver/Oakland game last night? Two Mikes would have been better; One Mike would have been awesome; and Zero Mikes would have definitely been the best.
- As this is the week of September 11, think about how fortunate we are to have Brett Favre playing quarterback for the Jets. Now, New York can finally heal those wounds that have been open since 2001. With Favre in The Big Apple we can all now realize that there is strength, hope, and dignity in our society. We have recovered and overcome the devastation that was brought down upon the biggest city in this great country of ours. With Favre now on the scene, all is well. Wait a minute....the Jets practice and play in New Jersey? Forget it.
Have a great week, and do great things.
The Commish
posted by Patrick Zalasky at 9:02 AM
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