Tuesday Review #9
It's Election Day all over the country, which is fitting since we celebrated Halloween just one week ago. Races are being conducted all over the country to determine who will represent us in Washington, our state capitols, and local governments by doing the exact opposite of what the general public wants. That is likely why there is an exponentially higher participation rate among Americans on Halloween than there is on Election Day. With that, this review will have a little bit of a political leaning....
The Arnold Schwarzenegger of this league is definitely The Dominator, who continues to stretch his lead, while looking as calm as Andy Dufresne on a beach in Mexico (a free waiver pick up will be given to whoever is first to tell me who Andy Dufresne is). Playing the role of Phil Angeledes is The Dragons, who are backpedaling faster than a pink unitard wearing unicycle rider on the streets of Berkeley.
Current standings (Week 9):
The Dominator 1,035.81 (128.67)
Cyhawks 977.54 (112.20)
Plan Z 912.69 (103.67)
The Dragons 878.90 (87.13)
The Spongebobs 856.31 (106.18)
This week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award" will be known on this Election Day as the "Harold Ford I Sure Wish I Hadn't Played That Card Award" (Harold Ford is the black candidate for Senate in Tennessee who, while leading in the polls accused his opponent of being a racist. Needless to say, the people on Rocky Top didn't take too well to that, and Mr. Ford is now trailing and allegedly headed to defeat, leaving him to wish he hadn't played that card). Plan Z takes home the hardware this week for not only replacing Marvin Harrison (30.25) with Colts teammate Reggie Wayne (10.50), but also for throwing dirt on him in the process. Someone must have shown Marvin this site last week, effectively firing him up for the Sunday night game. Instead of hauling in quick outs for 3-yard gains and failing to ever beat a DB down the field, he decided to stretch the field and make twisting, one handed TD catches while falling out of bounds. Thanks, Marvin. Jack will probably put you in the lineup this week, so feel free to go back to being passive and watching Reggie catch all the big passes.
As stated above, The Dominator is our Arnold. Powerfully built and kicking the crap out of all challengers, he's probably sitting back right now with his feet up and a big smile on his face, knowing that this race is close to being over. In a week where Peyton Manning (31.37) was unusually held under 50 points, he was picked up by the Thriller, Steven Jackson (30.95) and fellow running back Willie Parker (25.85). To illustrate how right The Dominator is living, Parker even caught a TD pass from Ben Roethlisberger. Doesn't sound too strange until you realize that Big Ben has thown more TD passes for opponents the last three weeks than he has for the Steelers. Is anyone else thinking that Ben is just a creation of the national media? He won a bunch of games as a rookie riding the Pittsburgh running game and defense, then did much of the same last year as the Steeler defense carried them through the playoffs. The Steelers then won the Super Bowl in spite of him, with the biggest pass in the game being thrown by Antwaan Randle El. Still, when Ben wrecked his motorcycle, the incident was treated as if he was the second coming of Elway. His struggles this year have also been blamed on his other injuries. Did anyone think that maybe the lack of a power running game and a more porous defense have led to Ben actually having to make some plays himself, plays that he might not be capable of making? Sorry to hijack The Dominator's summary, but it felt necessary to argue that Big Ben is actually the second coming of David Woodley, and not some superstar QB. Based on my track record with these things, he will now rattle off 7 or 8 300 yard games while leading the Steelers into the playoff chase.
The non-QB PPFFL MVP once again came up big for The Cyhawks. LaDainian Tomlinson (33.60) is the Dianne Feinstein of this league. She could come out and admit she's a Communist who thinks all babies should be aborted and income taxes should be raised to 85% for everyone, but she'll still win every election by 45 points. LDT is much the same. He could be forced to play with ankle weights and a Mark Kelso extra large helmet, while carrying Malcolm Floyd on his back and facing a 15 man defense....yet still run for 150 yards, catch 8 passes, and score 3 TDs. Also big for our Iowa entry this week were the Jaguar defense (17.00) and Josh Scobee (14.00), giving them the rare defense/kicker double-double. Even Terrell Owens (16.80) had a nice day, even though he had to apologize to all Cowboy fans for once again blowing a game by dropping a pass when he was wide open. It just goes to show the depth of this team that they were able to score the second most points for the week while having QB Carson Palmer (11.15) and his boy Chad Johnson (5.60) stink out the joint.
Now we come to the Measures Q and R of our league, Plan Z. No matter what they do, it seems to be doomed. Bench Harrison and play the hot Wayne? We saw how that went. How about the decision to play ultra hot, consistent QB Tom Brady (9.17) in a showdown with the team he owns? Nice outing, Tom. There's a guy named Grossman that Plan Z would like you to meet. Then there's Torry Holt (5.50), who came into Week 9 as a yardage machine. Nice work, T-Dog, have a nice time over there with R-Wayne. Still, things look a little rosy for this club because of guys like Larry Johnson (17.60), Tiki Barber (19.75), and Tony Gonzalez (20.15). A nice move was even made to pick up the San Diego defense (15.00) before their collision with the anemic Browns. Much like the arena measures, though, this season has been an exercise in running in the mud for Plan Z. For every bit of optimism, there's Joe Maloof (or Rex Grossman) coming out to complain that there aren't enough parking spaces (or turning the ball over 6 times).
We are beginning to have a battle for 4th place, mostly because of the struggles of The Dragons. The last 2 weeks have been anything but good for this team. Much like Phil Angeledes, they might not only lose to Arnold (The Dominator), they might also get passed by the Green Party candidate, Pete Camejo (The Spongebobs). Picking up Tony Romo (35.73) to play QB during Dunnavunn's bye week was an awesome move, and would have been better if T.O. hadn't dozed off in mid pattern and droppped a sure TD pass. Kellen Winslow (14.90) had a nice day for a TE, but that's where the good news came to an end. A couple of weeks ago, Antwaan Randle El (2.95) returned a punt for a TD, trying to prove he wasn't the worst player in the PPFFL....this week he showed us all why he's been derided on this website since about Week 4. Reggie Bush (5.85) is on the verge of making Saints fans wish the team would have traded up to #1 in the draft so they could select Mario Williams. Isaac Bruce (6.05) struggled
against the Rams' in-state rival, and Thomas Jones (8.65) struggled against a Dolphins team that had the nerve to play with 11 guys on defense. These guys better bounce back in Week 10, otherwise The Dragons' summary will be written after that of....
...The Spongebobs. Another week of scoring over 100 points brought this team a little closer to emerging from the abyss. Who knew that the momentum would continue during a week where the roster stayed exactly the same as it was in Week 8? Drew Brees (47.73) was the star of this team, bringing super rookie Marques Colston (26.15) along for the ride. Outside of the Saints' stars, this team was a bit of a no-show....kind of like New Orleans politicians before, during, and after Hurricane Katrina. Plaxico Burress (DNP) was the Ray Nagin of this group as a late scratch who chimed in to say he was ready to go, but wasn't allowed to. Frank Gore (8.85) did okay in the most brutal game of the year, but it's hard to put up good numbers when your team gains less than 200 yards and the only scoring comes from the kickers. Fred Taylor (3.95) and the Bears defense (6.00) came somewhat back to earth after great Week 8 performances, something that could have been expected of Taylor, but was a surprise from the Bears, who were playing 1-6 Miami at home.
Notes:
It's Election Day all over the country, which is fitting since we celebrated Halloween just one week ago. Races are being conducted all over the country to determine who will represent us in Washington, our state capitols, and local governments by doing the exact opposite of what the general public wants. That is likely why there is an exponentially higher participation rate among Americans on Halloween than there is on Election Day. With that, this review will have a little bit of a political leaning....
The Arnold Schwarzenegger of this league is definitely The Dominator, who continues to stretch his lead, while looking as calm as Andy Dufresne on a beach in Mexico (a free waiver pick up will be given to whoever is first to tell me who Andy Dufresne is). Playing the role of Phil Angeledes is The Dragons, who are backpedaling faster than a pink unitard wearing unicycle rider on the streets of Berkeley.
Current standings (Week 9):
The Dominator 1,035.81 (128.67)
Cyhawks 977.54 (112.20)
Plan Z 912.69 (103.67)
The Dragons 878.90 (87.13)
The Spongebobs 856.31 (106.18)
This week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award" will be known on this Election Day as the "Harold Ford I Sure Wish I Hadn't Played That Card Award" (Harold Ford is the black candidate for Senate in Tennessee who, while leading in the polls accused his opponent of being a racist. Needless to say, the people on Rocky Top didn't take too well to that, and Mr. Ford is now trailing and allegedly headed to defeat, leaving him to wish he hadn't played that card). Plan Z takes home the hardware this week for not only replacing Marvin Harrison (30.25) with Colts teammate Reggie Wayne (10.50), but also for throwing dirt on him in the process. Someone must have shown Marvin this site last week, effectively firing him up for the Sunday night game. Instead of hauling in quick outs for 3-yard gains and failing to ever beat a DB down the field, he decided to stretch the field and make twisting, one handed TD catches while falling out of bounds. Thanks, Marvin. Jack will probably put you in the lineup this week, so feel free to go back to being passive and watching Reggie catch all the big passes.
As stated above, The Dominator is our Arnold. Powerfully built and kicking the crap out of all challengers, he's probably sitting back right now with his feet up and a big smile on his face, knowing that this race is close to being over. In a week where Peyton Manning (31.37) was unusually held under 50 points, he was picked up by the Thriller, Steven Jackson (30.95) and fellow running back Willie Parker (25.85). To illustrate how right The Dominator is living, Parker even caught a TD pass from Ben Roethlisberger. Doesn't sound too strange until you realize that Big Ben has thown more TD passes for opponents the last three weeks than he has for the Steelers. Is anyone else thinking that Ben is just a creation of the national media? He won a bunch of games as a rookie riding the Pittsburgh running game and defense, then did much of the same last year as the Steeler defense carried them through the playoffs. The Steelers then won the Super Bowl in spite of him, with the biggest pass in the game being thrown by Antwaan Randle El. Still, when Ben wrecked his motorcycle, the incident was treated as if he was the second coming of Elway. His struggles this year have also been blamed on his other injuries. Did anyone think that maybe the lack of a power running game and a more porous defense have led to Ben actually having to make some plays himself, plays that he might not be capable of making? Sorry to hijack The Dominator's summary, but it felt necessary to argue that Big Ben is actually the second coming of David Woodley, and not some superstar QB. Based on my track record with these things, he will now rattle off 7 or 8 300 yard games while leading the Steelers into the playoff chase.
The non-QB PPFFL MVP once again came up big for The Cyhawks. LaDainian Tomlinson (33.60) is the Dianne Feinstein of this league. She could come out and admit she's a Communist who thinks all babies should be aborted and income taxes should be raised to 85% for everyone, but she'll still win every election by 45 points. LDT is much the same. He could be forced to play with ankle weights and a Mark Kelso extra large helmet, while carrying Malcolm Floyd on his back and facing a 15 man defense....yet still run for 150 yards, catch 8 passes, and score 3 TDs. Also big for our Iowa entry this week were the Jaguar defense (17.00) and Josh Scobee (14.00), giving them the rare defense/kicker double-double. Even Terrell Owens (16.80) had a nice day, even though he had to apologize to all Cowboy fans for once again blowing a game by dropping a pass when he was wide open. It just goes to show the depth of this team that they were able to score the second most points for the week while having QB Carson Palmer (11.15) and his boy Chad Johnson (5.60) stink out the joint.
Now we come to the Measures Q and R of our league, Plan Z. No matter what they do, it seems to be doomed. Bench Harrison and play the hot Wayne? We saw how that went. How about the decision to play ultra hot, consistent QB Tom Brady (9.17) in a showdown with the team he owns? Nice outing, Tom. There's a guy named Grossman that Plan Z would like you to meet. Then there's Torry Holt (5.50), who came into Week 9 as a yardage machine. Nice work, T-Dog, have a nice time over there with R-Wayne. Still, things look a little rosy for this club because of guys like Larry Johnson (17.60), Tiki Barber (19.75), and Tony Gonzalez (20.15). A nice move was even made to pick up the San Diego defense (15.00) before their collision with the anemic Browns. Much like the arena measures, though, this season has been an exercise in running in the mud for Plan Z. For every bit of optimism, there's Joe Maloof (or Rex Grossman) coming out to complain that there aren't enough parking spaces (or turning the ball over 6 times).
We are beginning to have a battle for 4th place, mostly because of the struggles of The Dragons. The last 2 weeks have been anything but good for this team. Much like Phil Angeledes, they might not only lose to Arnold (The Dominator), they might also get passed by the Green Party candidate, Pete Camejo (The Spongebobs). Picking up Tony Romo (35.73) to play QB during Dunnavunn's bye week was an awesome move, and would have been better if T.O. hadn't dozed off in mid pattern and droppped a sure TD pass. Kellen Winslow (14.90) had a nice day for a TE, but that's where the good news came to an end. A couple of weeks ago, Antwaan Randle El (2.95) returned a punt for a TD, trying to prove he wasn't the worst player in the PPFFL....this week he showed us all why he's been derided on this website since about Week 4. Reggie Bush (5.85) is on the verge of making Saints fans wish the team would have traded up to #1 in the draft so they could select Mario Williams. Isaac Bruce (6.05) struggled
against the Rams' in-state rival, and Thomas Jones (8.65) struggled against a Dolphins team that had the nerve to play with 11 guys on defense. These guys better bounce back in Week 10, otherwise The Dragons' summary will be written after that of....
...The Spongebobs. Another week of scoring over 100 points brought this team a little closer to emerging from the abyss. Who knew that the momentum would continue during a week where the roster stayed exactly the same as it was in Week 8? Drew Brees (47.73) was the star of this team, bringing super rookie Marques Colston (26.15) along for the ride. Outside of the Saints' stars, this team was a bit of a no-show....kind of like New Orleans politicians before, during, and after Hurricane Katrina. Plaxico Burress (DNP) was the Ray Nagin of this group as a late scratch who chimed in to say he was ready to go, but wasn't allowed to. Frank Gore (8.85) did okay in the most brutal game of the year, but it's hard to put up good numbers when your team gains less than 200 yards and the only scoring comes from the kickers. Fred Taylor (3.95) and the Bears defense (6.00) came somewhat back to earth after great Week 8 performances, something that could have been expected of Taylor, but was a surprise from the Bears, who were playing 1-6 Miami at home.
Notes:
- The Oakland/Seattle game sure lived up to the hype, didn't it? And, by hype, I mean the eulogy that Kornheiser gave the Raiders during the pregame show. He talked about the Silver and Black going from the most successful franchise to the worst, then compared Al Davis to a ghost. "You know he's there because you can smell his cologne in the hallway, but you rarely see him anymore." Raise your hand if you think Al wears Patchouli Oil. Or, maybe he goes old school and still rocks the Old Spice.
- The most intriguing aspect of the game last night, in this point of view, was how far Shane Lechler would be able to punt the ball with the gale force winds at his back. Unfortunately, the only punts I witnessed from him going that direction were ones from near midfield when he couldn't air it out. Still, he averaged over 45 yards on 10 punts, with one of them only going 29 yards into the wind and driving rain.
- One last note on the MNF telecast...It was odd that Chris Berman was nowhere to be found when the game ended. He left the chair for Stu Scott (shudder) to occupy for the inane recap of the debacle that they just aired. I began to wonder if Boomer begged out of the postgame show because of the weather. I know that's not the reason, though, because nobody on TV is more suited to adapt to chilly rain and wind than Berman. He's got the physique of an Orca, so a more logical explanation was that he was out frolicking in Puget Sound.
- The order for transactions is the same as last week. Don't take any wooden nickels.....
The Commish
posted by Patrick Zalasky at 9:22 AM
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