Tuesday Review v3.12
We are starting to find our legs, a dozen weeks into the season, as all but one team surpassed the century mark this week. Only The Dominator failed to score over 100 points, and he was just 3.47 points short of the mark (or a performance from Jay Cutler that wasn't worse than the guy on the Amazing Race who couldn't do the Russian parade march).
With everyone in the top three of the league scoring between 114 and 117 points, there wasn't much movement in the standings, which bodes well for the league leaders. The Maestro had the best week, allowing our defending champ to crawl a little closer to 4th place (YAWN). The bottom, for the umpteenth week in a row, remains unchanged.
Official Stadings (Week 12):
Cyclones 1,339.19 (114.31)
The Dragons 1,284.22 (117.92)
Gnomies 1,268.55 (115.98)
The Dominator 1,224.95 (96.53)
The Maestro 1,209.50 (124.05)
Team STY 1,165.88 (104.47)
The Outlaws 1,075.27 (100.06)
In such a productive week for the league, it's tough to find a situation where the wrong players took the field. One of the only cases this week involved The Outlaws. Brandon Jacobs (DNP) practiced all week, reported to the stadium ready to play, and even told a reporter that he looked forward to the challenge of Arizona's defense. His coach, however, had other plans and held Jacobs out of the game. Meanwhile, Matt Forte (22.30) was having a big game as the Bears rolled into first place in the NFC North. For that stroke of bad luck, The Outlaws are presented with this week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award.
Atop the PPFFL for another week are the Cyclones. Their standing is based this week on the play of Drew Brees (50.46) and the Tampa Bay defense (23.00). The Bucs fell behind by 17 to the Tabby Cats, but stormed back to win in a rout on the shoulders of their defense, which accounted for two returns for a touchdown, along with a punt return for a TD. This kept the Lions winless for the season, moving them one step closer to being the only 0-16 regular season team in NFL history. Their next whupping is sure to come on Thanksgiving Day, as they play the 10-1 Titans in their traditional home game in front of a national audience. As if the economy wasn't bad enough, America has to watch the Lions play again on Thanksgiving. At least they're giving America something to get excited about, though, as one of the only things America likes more than economic prosperity and fast food is colossal losers. The Lions are as colossaly bad as a professional sports team can get and being winless on the season is something that will unify America in rooting against them so that they can possibly attain immortal failure in 2008. So CBS has that going for them this Thursday, which is nice. Is there any way Dick Stockton can be traded by Fox to CBS so that the ineptitude on the field will be matched by the ineptitude in the booth? It might save the Lions players some embarrassment if the guy announcing the game to America called most of them by the wrong names.
Gaining a few points this week were The Dragons. Kurt Warner (34.02) was steady again and was helped along by a breakout game from Terrell Owens (26.65). Andre Johnson (18.80) and Marshawn Lynch (16.20) were also solid, but that doesn't matter, because T.O. finally got his. And, against the team that originally drafted him and babysat him for six years, to boot. T.O.'s game was so huge, it nearly equalled his output for the last month. Things were so good that he wore normal clothing and gave a pretty normal interview after the game, without shedding a tear. The tears are usually saved, though, for later in the season when Jessica Simpson shows up, Tony Romo's head goes fuzzy, and the brutal Texas media starts questioning the QB's mental fortitude. T.O. may be due for another big game, as the Seahawks come to town on Thanksgiving. These aren't your parent's Seahawks....wait a minute, yes they are. That franchise has regressed to the point where they might not be able to beat some of the original teams that featured players like the guys who stunk before players like Jim Zorn, Curt Warner, Steve Largent, and Kenny Easley got there. The over/under posted by Vegas with regard to when Troy Aikman starts handing out his Gobbler awards in an attempt to divert the attention away from the lameness of the Seahawks is the 14:30 mark of the second quarter. Of course, if Jessica Simpson is there in a pink Romo jersey and T.O. isn't getting the ball, we might see Lazy Town's favorite cab driver either naked or in tears before Kurt Menefee gets to throw it to Terry Bradshaw to describe the pounding Tennessee gave the Tabbys earlier in the day....
Still somewhat in the championship chase are the Gnomies. At the very least, they've proven that they have some staying power. The greatest American of them all, Brett Favre (35.93) continues to put up numbers that defy his age and his recent penchant for throwing a ton of passes to the other team at the worst possible times. America, or more specifically the American sports media, needed this type of un-retirement season from Favre. You can't expect the so-called "experts" in print, on the radio, and on television to give up praising Our Favrer cold turkey. They need another year or two to gradually move away from the high praise while hopefully finding someone else to focus their undying love. When you consider that Our Favrer has brought a perennially underachieving team in the nation's largest media market to the precipice of something potentially great and a slight chance to play in the world's biggest football (American) game against the defending league champion that also hails from the largest media market....well, you have a scenario where about 100 media members will drop dead of a heart attack simply because they promised they would give up their lives if they could ever report on a story of that magnitude. Of course, if Favre would simply leave the field after the game to blow a few snot rockets into the press box, all of those fat losers and blow dried automatons would be right back on their feet to proclaim Favre the greatest person to ever walk the face of the earth.
The worst team of the week was The Dominator. If there's a silver lining, this was like being last in the AFC East, not the NFC West (Week 1 for The Outlaws was like being the worst in the NFC West). If not for a Grossman-like effort from Jay Cutler (6.78), against Oakland of all teams, this could have been a stellar week. Balance was in profusion, as Tony Gonzalez (24.65), Anquan Boldin (21.30), Clinton Portis (12.95), and Joseph Addai (12.05) were the big players for the week. Gonzalez is having a season on par with Steve Carlton's 1972 season with the Phillies, in which he had 27 of their 55 wins. For a team that has lost 16 of their last 18 games, his stats, especially for a tight end, are nothing short of amazing. In case you've forgotten, Tyler Thigpen, the pride of Coastal Carolina, is the team's QB. The undisputed, undefeated, coed slap boxing champion of the world, Larry Johnson, is the occasional running back (when he shows up on time and isn't bloated from eating Doritos and drinking orange creme sodas). And, Herm "You play to win the game (you do know, Herm, that you have to actually score more points than your opponent to win, don't you?)" Edwards is killing time until he can join the Fox network as the latest sap who gets paid to be Dick Stockton's verbal editor for 17 weeks each fall.
The Maestro had his biggest week since Tom Brady and the Patriots were running up the score on teams last season. Peyton Manning (41.10) is back in fantasy football franchise player form, while the Pocket Hercules, Maurice Jones-Drew (26.65) has strung together some solid games this past month. It's too bad the guy can't make up for the fact that David Garrard is the team's QB. That's right, the guy who managed not to do too many things wrong last season, and who actually played a good game in the playoffs at Pittsburgh, has gone back to being the guy we all (or at least the author of this summary) knew would be the anchor around his team's neck. I would guarantee that Jags coach Jack of the River would trade Garrard for the following players, straight up: Tyler Thigpen, Shaun Hill, John Kitna, Derreck Anderson, Pat Burrell, Landon Donovan, and J.J. Redick.
Settling pretty comfotably into 6th place is Team STY. This week was one of their better ones this month, as Tony Romo (40.67) abused the Niners and very highly paid CB Nate Clements. DeAngelo Williams (19.00) might be in the running for mid-season pick up of the year, but it's hard to award that to a guy on a 6th place team. Antonio Gates (4.40), though, is a dark horse to win the Antwaan Randle-El Award for Total Suckitude. He was once accepted in some parts as being superior to Tony Gonzalez, and now he's just trying to keep Brandon Manumaleuna from taking his starting spot. These times are rough for the Bolts, as they have gone from being a serious contender for the Super Bowl to being the league's greatest underachiever. Much like the Redskins did back in the mid 1990s, and the Raiders did when Bill Callahan was run out of town. The one man these teams all had in common was their head coach, Norv Turner. It won't be long until "To Norv" will be defined as taking a skill advantage in a competition and turning it into a loss in said competition. As in, "Rafael Nadal really norved it when he lost that set against the dude from The Amazing Race who couldn't manage to do the Russian parade march."
Like an old friend who is always there right before it's time to leave a party, we run into The Outlaws. These guys are starting to wake up, just like in previous seasons, but they're doing it this year at the same time the rest of the early season dorks have decided to finally do well. Phillip Rivers (37.01) had a nice week, even though his team norved. Michael Turner (32.85) toted the ball across the goal line 4 times for the Falcons, just two days before the speculation started to swirl about where former Falcon franchise face Ron Mexico would play when he gets out of the cro-bar motel. Is there any doubt whatsover that Senor Mexico is destined to wear the silver and black? I mean, come on....who else will be anxious to sign a known troublemaker who has been in jail for a couple of years and who wasn't exactly lighting it up on the field before he was sent away? If you want to split hairs, giving Mexico a 5 year 50 million dollar deal would be better than the deals that Al Davis gave to Javon Walker and Tommy Kelly last offseason. In fact, the occasional long QB keeper would give Greg Papa something to yell about besides the bi-weekly punt return for touchdown by Tommy Lee Higgins.
Notes:
We are starting to find our legs, a dozen weeks into the season, as all but one team surpassed the century mark this week. Only The Dominator failed to score over 100 points, and he was just 3.47 points short of the mark (or a performance from Jay Cutler that wasn't worse than the guy on the Amazing Race who couldn't do the Russian parade march).
With everyone in the top three of the league scoring between 114 and 117 points, there wasn't much movement in the standings, which bodes well for the league leaders. The Maestro had the best week, allowing our defending champ to crawl a little closer to 4th place (YAWN). The bottom, for the umpteenth week in a row, remains unchanged.
Official Stadings (Week 12):
Cyclones 1,339.19 (114.31)
The Dragons 1,284.22 (117.92)
Gnomies 1,268.55 (115.98)
The Dominator 1,224.95 (96.53)
The Maestro 1,209.50 (124.05)
Team STY 1,165.88 (104.47)
The Outlaws 1,075.27 (100.06)
In such a productive week for the league, it's tough to find a situation where the wrong players took the field. One of the only cases this week involved The Outlaws. Brandon Jacobs (DNP) practiced all week, reported to the stadium ready to play, and even told a reporter that he looked forward to the challenge of Arizona's defense. His coach, however, had other plans and held Jacobs out of the game. Meanwhile, Matt Forte (22.30) was having a big game as the Bears rolled into first place in the NFC North. For that stroke of bad luck, The Outlaws are presented with this week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award.
Atop the PPFFL for another week are the Cyclones. Their standing is based this week on the play of Drew Brees (50.46) and the Tampa Bay defense (23.00). The Bucs fell behind by 17 to the Tabby Cats, but stormed back to win in a rout on the shoulders of their defense, which accounted for two returns for a touchdown, along with a punt return for a TD. This kept the Lions winless for the season, moving them one step closer to being the only 0-16 regular season team in NFL history. Their next whupping is sure to come on Thanksgiving Day, as they play the 10-1 Titans in their traditional home game in front of a national audience. As if the economy wasn't bad enough, America has to watch the Lions play again on Thanksgiving. At least they're giving America something to get excited about, though, as one of the only things America likes more than economic prosperity and fast food is colossal losers. The Lions are as colossaly bad as a professional sports team can get and being winless on the season is something that will unify America in rooting against them so that they can possibly attain immortal failure in 2008. So CBS has that going for them this Thursday, which is nice. Is there any way Dick Stockton can be traded by Fox to CBS so that the ineptitude on the field will be matched by the ineptitude in the booth? It might save the Lions players some embarrassment if the guy announcing the game to America called most of them by the wrong names.
Gaining a few points this week were The Dragons. Kurt Warner (34.02) was steady again and was helped along by a breakout game from Terrell Owens (26.65). Andre Johnson (18.80) and Marshawn Lynch (16.20) were also solid, but that doesn't matter, because T.O. finally got his. And, against the team that originally drafted him and babysat him for six years, to boot. T.O.'s game was so huge, it nearly equalled his output for the last month. Things were so good that he wore normal clothing and gave a pretty normal interview after the game, without shedding a tear. The tears are usually saved, though, for later in the season when Jessica Simpson shows up, Tony Romo's head goes fuzzy, and the brutal Texas media starts questioning the QB's mental fortitude. T.O. may be due for another big game, as the Seahawks come to town on Thanksgiving. These aren't your parent's Seahawks....wait a minute, yes they are. That franchise has regressed to the point where they might not be able to beat some of the original teams that featured players like the guys who stunk before players like Jim Zorn, Curt Warner, Steve Largent, and Kenny Easley got there. The over/under posted by Vegas with regard to when Troy Aikman starts handing out his Gobbler awards in an attempt to divert the attention away from the lameness of the Seahawks is the 14:30 mark of the second quarter. Of course, if Jessica Simpson is there in a pink Romo jersey and T.O. isn't getting the ball, we might see Lazy Town's favorite cab driver either naked or in tears before Kurt Menefee gets to throw it to Terry Bradshaw to describe the pounding Tennessee gave the Tabbys earlier in the day....
Still somewhat in the championship chase are the Gnomies. At the very least, they've proven that they have some staying power. The greatest American of them all, Brett Favre (35.93) continues to put up numbers that defy his age and his recent penchant for throwing a ton of passes to the other team at the worst possible times. America, or more specifically the American sports media, needed this type of un-retirement season from Favre. You can't expect the so-called "experts" in print, on the radio, and on television to give up praising Our Favrer cold turkey. They need another year or two to gradually move away from the high praise while hopefully finding someone else to focus their undying love. When you consider that Our Favrer has brought a perennially underachieving team in the nation's largest media market to the precipice of something potentially great and a slight chance to play in the world's biggest football (American) game against the defending league champion that also hails from the largest media market....well, you have a scenario where about 100 media members will drop dead of a heart attack simply because they promised they would give up their lives if they could ever report on a story of that magnitude. Of course, if Favre would simply leave the field after the game to blow a few snot rockets into the press box, all of those fat losers and blow dried automatons would be right back on their feet to proclaim Favre the greatest person to ever walk the face of the earth.
The worst team of the week was The Dominator. If there's a silver lining, this was like being last in the AFC East, not the NFC West (Week 1 for The Outlaws was like being the worst in the NFC West). If not for a Grossman-like effort from Jay Cutler (6.78), against Oakland of all teams, this could have been a stellar week. Balance was in profusion, as Tony Gonzalez (24.65), Anquan Boldin (21.30), Clinton Portis (12.95), and Joseph Addai (12.05) were the big players for the week. Gonzalez is having a season on par with Steve Carlton's 1972 season with the Phillies, in which he had 27 of their 55 wins. For a team that has lost 16 of their last 18 games, his stats, especially for a tight end, are nothing short of amazing. In case you've forgotten, Tyler Thigpen, the pride of Coastal Carolina, is the team's QB. The undisputed, undefeated, coed slap boxing champion of the world, Larry Johnson, is the occasional running back (when he shows up on time and isn't bloated from eating Doritos and drinking orange creme sodas). And, Herm "You play to win the game (you do know, Herm, that you have to actually score more points than your opponent to win, don't you?)" Edwards is killing time until he can join the Fox network as the latest sap who gets paid to be Dick Stockton's verbal editor for 17 weeks each fall.
The Maestro had his biggest week since Tom Brady and the Patriots were running up the score on teams last season. Peyton Manning (41.10) is back in fantasy football franchise player form, while the Pocket Hercules, Maurice Jones-Drew (26.65) has strung together some solid games this past month. It's too bad the guy can't make up for the fact that David Garrard is the team's QB. That's right, the guy who managed not to do too many things wrong last season, and who actually played a good game in the playoffs at Pittsburgh, has gone back to being the guy we all (or at least the author of this summary) knew would be the anchor around his team's neck. I would guarantee that Jags coach Jack of the River would trade Garrard for the following players, straight up: Tyler Thigpen, Shaun Hill, John Kitna, Derreck Anderson, Pat Burrell, Landon Donovan, and J.J. Redick.
Settling pretty comfotably into 6th place is Team STY. This week was one of their better ones this month, as Tony Romo (40.67) abused the Niners and very highly paid CB Nate Clements. DeAngelo Williams (19.00) might be in the running for mid-season pick up of the year, but it's hard to award that to a guy on a 6th place team. Antonio Gates (4.40), though, is a dark horse to win the Antwaan Randle-El Award for Total Suckitude. He was once accepted in some parts as being superior to Tony Gonzalez, and now he's just trying to keep Brandon Manumaleuna from taking his starting spot. These times are rough for the Bolts, as they have gone from being a serious contender for the Super Bowl to being the league's greatest underachiever. Much like the Redskins did back in the mid 1990s, and the Raiders did when Bill Callahan was run out of town. The one man these teams all had in common was their head coach, Norv Turner. It won't be long until "To Norv" will be defined as taking a skill advantage in a competition and turning it into a loss in said competition. As in, "Rafael Nadal really norved it when he lost that set against the dude from The Amazing Race who couldn't manage to do the Russian parade march."
Like an old friend who is always there right before it's time to leave a party, we run into The Outlaws. These guys are starting to wake up, just like in previous seasons, but they're doing it this year at the same time the rest of the early season dorks have decided to finally do well. Phillip Rivers (37.01) had a nice week, even though his team norved. Michael Turner (32.85) toted the ball across the goal line 4 times for the Falcons, just two days before the speculation started to swirl about where former Falcon franchise face Ron Mexico would play when he gets out of the cro-bar motel. Is there any doubt whatsover that Senor Mexico is destined to wear the silver and black? I mean, come on....who else will be anxious to sign a known troublemaker who has been in jail for a couple of years and who wasn't exactly lighting it up on the field before he was sent away? If you want to split hairs, giving Mexico a 5 year 50 million dollar deal would be better than the deals that Al Davis gave to Javon Walker and Tommy Kelly last offseason. In fact, the occasional long QB keeper would give Greg Papa something to yell about besides the bi-weekly punt return for touchdown by Tommy Lee Higgins.
Notes:
- Thanksgiving Day, arguably of the most anticipated football watching day of the year, features the Lions, Seahawks, and suddenly sad sack Eagles. What has America done to deserve this? When our new President takes office in January, let's hope that some of the change he promised involves not having to watch such crappy teams play on Thanksgiving Day anymore.
- One of the reasons we almost had every PPFFL team top 100 points for the week was because this was one of the highest scoring weeks in NFL history. I don't know exactly where Week 12 fell in the annals, because Stuart Scott was reporting the story and my ears began bleeding after hearing him talk for 10 seconds.
- Speaking of Stu, Bronx cheers go out to ESPN for teasing America (an ME, in particular) by having Suzy Kolber adeptly handle the MNF pre and post game shows last week. Bringing Stu back this week was like if, after FDR announced Hitler had been killed, he came back the following week to announce that Adolf was actually going to be the new U.S. Secretary of Transportation.
- At the end of the Kings game last night, after a John Salmons drive attempt was turned back by the Blazers, thus preserving a 91-90 win for the home team, Peaches Napear proclaimed, "One thing you can guarantee is that Nate McMillan told his team that if Salmons got the ball he was going to go to his right." Here are some other things you can guarantee during a Kings telecast: Peaches will prematurely get overly excited as a King goes up for a shot, only to be disappointed when the ball clangs off of the rim; Jerry Reynolds will offer nothing of substance during the whole telecast and will only contribute stupid nickname after stupid nickname; Peaches will give out the number for Kings tickets more often than Jerry Lewis gives out his number during his telethon, and will tell us over and over about how much fun we're missing by not being at Arco Arena (the only differences between Kings games and the Jerry Lewis telethon at this point are that during Kings games you won't see juggling midgets or Carrot Top....scratch that, there is a chance you might see Carrot Top sitting with the Maloof brothers); and, last but not least, during the 3rd quarter you will see the best advertisement ever for why really old people shouldn't drive, when Peaches, Jerry, and Garry Gerould get together for their TV/radio simulcast pow-wow. In keeping with the Jerry Lewis telethon theme, it's like a double dose of Ed McMahon during a basketball game, with a side of peaches. And, the Ed we're talking about is the one that has to get totally sloshed to stay awake for all 36 hours of the telethon. That's the condition that the G-man walks around in every day, without the assistance of the booze.
- Last week's Pillow Fight of the Week was Houston 16, Cleveland 6. I know what you are thinking, "Wait a minute, the NFL gave Houston and Cleveland teams to replace the ones that left for other cities?"
- This week's frontrunner for PFOTW is Kansas City @ Oakland, which has the potential to be the Pillow Fight of the Year.
That's all for now. Have a phenomenal Thanksgiving (whoa, I think I channelled Bob Fitzgerald there...it must have been because of the midget reference earlier). And, do great things, gentelmen...and boys.
The Commish
posted by Patrick Zalasky at 7:56 PM
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