Tuesday Review v3.13
It's a great Wednesday to be writing a summary with the word Tuesday in the title. The next to-next to-next to-next to last week of the season didn't bring as much scoring as the week prior to it, therefore the week in the PPFFL was back to the way it has been for most of the season. The Cyclones failed to reach the century mark for the week, while the two teams behind them did, tightening the race for the championship just a little bit. The Dragons and Gnomies, however, will have to make up more ground in the next couple of weeks if they want to seriously challenge for the title. Further down in the standings, The Dominator managed to hold onto 4th place for another week (YIPPEE!) and Team STY was the high scorer for the week. Congratulations! You guys were in 6th place going into the week and now find yourselves in 6th place.
Official Standings (Week 13):
Cyclones 1,435.91 (96.72)
The Dragons 1,393.32 (109.10)
Gnomies 1,379.34 (111.79)
The Dominator 1,316.79 (91.84)
The Maestro 1,301.14 (91.64)
Team STY 1,289.20 (123.32)
The Outlaws 1,164.00 (88.73)
The lineup blunder of the week belonged to the team at the top of the standings. The Cyclones are carrying both of the premium Titan running backs on their roster, yet didn't start either one this week, even though the team with the league's best record was squaring off against the Tabby Cats. The results were predictable. Meanwhile, our leaders wathced as Frank Gore (5.45) was held back by San Francisco's ultra conservative attack after they took an early lead on the Bills. For sitting Chris Johnson (23.70), the Cyclones are presented with this week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award.
Sticking with the Cyclones, their week was good enough to keep them relatively comfortable, but not enough to keep things from being interesting the next couple of weeks. Drew Brees (25.92) was only about half as good as he was in Week 12. Larry Fitzgerald (20.25), Roddy White (14.60), and LaDainian Tomlinson (14.30) picked up some of the slack, while guys like Gore (5.45) and Dallas Clark (3.20) were hindered by a prevent offense and horrible weather, respectively. Clark nearly had 6 more points, as he recovered a Peyton Manning fumble in the end zone on and attempted 4th down quarterback sneak right before halftime of Indy's game in Cleveland. Unfortunately, by rule, inside of two minutes of each half, when the ball is fumbled forward, the only player who can recover it and have it placed at the spot is the player who fumbled. This is a lesson that Alex and Jack learned earlier on Sunday during a touch football game with the Blandford brothers. Bobby Blandford's fumble near the goal line on the last play of the game was recovered by Alex for an apparent game tying TD. After further review, though, the ball was placed back at the spot of the fumble, where, with Mrs. Blandford preparing to leave without her kids, the game ended with Jack and Matt Blandford celebrating a well deserved and hard fought victory.
The Dragons are still in the mix. Last season's worst team put together a Thanksgiving Day for the ages, as Brian Westbrook (36.50), Kurt Warner (28.70), and Terrell Owens (15.90) put up good numbers on the nation's day of blowouts (which is fitting when you consider the way the Pilgrims began what ended up being a total beat down of the Indians that lasted for about two centuries). It was great to see Dallas get out to a comfortable lead on the Seahawks using practically everyone but T.O. to build the lead. Once in charge in the second half, it was obvious that the main objective on offense was to get the ball to T.O. so that he wouldn't sulk/pout/snap/publicly exercise nude following the game. On a couple of second half plays where Tony Romo threw the ball to someone other than T.O., you could see Romo's body go stiff, with a mild convulsion or two. It turns out that was Jerry Jones sending an electric shock through his QB's body via remote control as a reminder of what the real objective was. After the game, Jessica Simpson approached Jerry of Plastic Surgery to get the model number of the apparatus so that she could get one for herself.
Keeping the faith are the Gnomies. These guys are ready to bust out and take over the top of the PPFFL, or at least that's what they're saying. The Brett Favre (15.94) of Week 12 was same guy who walked the green grass of Lambeau Field from 2004-2006, as he sabotaged nearly every Jets scoring opportunity with crazy throws in the red zone. This is not the American icon that we all expected on one of the most American weekends of the year. He should be cut some slack, though, as in these tough economic times, he was busy using his super powers to create an increase in sales for Black Friday and the rest of the weekend in an attempt to get the econmy back on track (for the record, he said he wasn't responsible for the guy getting trampled to death by imbecile savages at the Long Island Wal Mart...Derek Jeter was the media superhero who was supposed to be in charge of security, and he obviously dropped the ball....spiritual superheros Kurt Warner and Alex Roodriguez vowed to pray for the deceased as well as forgive the tramplers, as they knew not what they were doing while stampeding to get 50% off of a 19 inch TV....superhero of justice and philosophy Charles Barkley said that every one of those knuckleheads should be hung from their toes in Times Square and be beaten like pinatas...). As for the rest of this fake football team, Thomas Jones (24.95), Greg Jennings (20.55), Adrian Peterson (17.50), Mason Crosby (12.00), and Donald Lee (11.85) all picked up the slack nicely as Our Favrer took steps to save the greatest of all countries from falling into a depression.
The PPFFL's equator remained the same, as The Dominator bolstered his position there by a fraction of a point. Jay Cutler (39.04) bounced back from his dreadful performance in Week 12 against the Raiders. Speaking of the Silver and Black, Tony Gonzalez (16.50) continued his stellar play against the real Raiders, not the imposters that hammered Denver last week. Al Davis was overheard in his luxury suite saying that Gonzalez was "the best young tight end in the game". He also said that, "in 5 or 6 years, when he's matured and come into his own, I would love to make him a Raider". When someone pointed out that Gonzalez was, in fact, almost 33 years old and that not many football players remain productive when they are close to 40, Davis shot back, "George Blanda played until he was 57 years old! And, he was an all-pro! Don't try to talk to me about talent, because none of you liars know talent like I do. Watch what happens now when I tell Coach Cradle to run my unstoppable fake field goal play where our voluptuous kicker runs a naked sweep around left end for at least a first down and probably a touchdown."
The teams at the top can all rest a little easier now. You all know the nerves were tightening up when you saw The Maestro making a move the past couple of weeks. Unfortunately for the defending champ, nasty weather off of Lake Erie put the clamps on Peyton Manning (10.40) and prevented all of you from being on the losing end of the greatest comeback in the history of Western Civilization. There is still 4th place to play for, though, as Jason Witten (23.75), the Cowboys defense (15.00), and Steve Smith (12.25) proved in Week 13. Ronnie Brown (9.64), Maurice Jones-Drew (6.10), and Wes Welker (5.50), meanwhile, gave another take on what it means to be playing for 4th place. In Welker's case, he was knocked out by a cheap shot from a Steelers defender whose name has been forgotten. That hit had nothing to do with the hatred for the Patriots that permeates the NFL. That hit was all about the Pittsburgh defense being dropped for the week by The Maestro because of the threat of facing what was the hottest offense in the league. They took out one of this fake team's starting receivers as retaliation. I learned my lesson, fellas. I learned my lesson.
Wearing the big boy pants this week was Team STY. DeAngelo Williams (31.30) led the way as he continued his push to be named the 2008 PPFFL free agent signing of the year. He scored four TDs, two of them coming after Steve Smith made incredible catches on deep passes, only to be drug down inches from the goal line. That's karma biting the baddest man in football back for sucker punching one of his teammates during training camp. Let's not forget Tony Romo (42.32) here, as his stellar game on Turkey Day against one of the dregs of the NFC West helped keep the Cowboys' dimming postseason hopes alive. His broken pinky absolutely killed the season for both his real team and this fake team. There's still time for him to get the 'Boys into the playoffs, but they'll likely be on the road the whole time, meaning there will no pink Romo jersey wearing ditzy blondes with their own Dancng Chucky fan clubs sitting in luxury boxes at Texas Stadium in January 2009. That is, unless, Jessica attends the mass seminar where her formerly horse faced sister and Jerry Jones preach to the masses about how plastic surgery can not only make you look younger, but can also turn you from hideously ugly to merely ugly for only a few thousand dollars. The grand finale of this seminar will be when renowned surgeron Dr. Robert Rey performs live a breast augmentation and liposuction procedure in a glass enclosed operating room constructed right on the star at midfield. During the surgery, he will also manage to do 1,500 pushups, 6,000 crunches, and 35 minutes of work on the heavy bag, all while making sure his anorexic wife doesn't consume anything more than the one peanut that is allotted to her each day.
The Outlaws had another rough week. On the bright side, all of their players actually played. Unfortunately, one of those players was Phillip Rivers (14.38). For all that Eli Manning has been busted on in this space, the fact that he was traded for Phillip Rivers is way more of an insult than anything that's been hurled his way here. Rivers is another in the long line of big, good looking QBs with strong arms that have no idea where to throw the ball or where it's going when it leaves their hand. There should be a hall of fame for these guys. The first class of inductees would be Dan McGwire, Jay Schroeder, Chuck Long, and, of course, Ryan Leaf. Kyle Boller, who was once called "Jesus In Cleats" by the starved for success Cal football fans, will immediately be inducted upon his retirement, without having to observe the usual 5 year waiting period. For statistical purposes, in case you actually care, Eddie Royal (16.80), Matt Forte (16.25) and the Giants defense (12.00) were all solid this week, while guys like Michael Turner (7.00) showed the level of consistency expected from players on teams that have been out of it since Halloween.
Notes:
It's a great Wednesday to be writing a summary with the word Tuesday in the title. The next to-next to-next to-next to last week of the season didn't bring as much scoring as the week prior to it, therefore the week in the PPFFL was back to the way it has been for most of the season. The Cyclones failed to reach the century mark for the week, while the two teams behind them did, tightening the race for the championship just a little bit. The Dragons and Gnomies, however, will have to make up more ground in the next couple of weeks if they want to seriously challenge for the title. Further down in the standings, The Dominator managed to hold onto 4th place for another week (YIPPEE!) and Team STY was the high scorer for the week. Congratulations! You guys were in 6th place going into the week and now find yourselves in 6th place.
Official Standings (Week 13):
Cyclones 1,435.91 (96.72)
The Dragons 1,393.32 (109.10)
Gnomies 1,379.34 (111.79)
The Dominator 1,316.79 (91.84)
The Maestro 1,301.14 (91.64)
Team STY 1,289.20 (123.32)
The Outlaws 1,164.00 (88.73)
The lineup blunder of the week belonged to the team at the top of the standings. The Cyclones are carrying both of the premium Titan running backs on their roster, yet didn't start either one this week, even though the team with the league's best record was squaring off against the Tabby Cats. The results were predictable. Meanwhile, our leaders wathced as Frank Gore (5.45) was held back by San Francisco's ultra conservative attack after they took an early lead on the Bills. For sitting Chris Johnson (23.70), the Cyclones are presented with this week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award.
Sticking with the Cyclones, their week was good enough to keep them relatively comfortable, but not enough to keep things from being interesting the next couple of weeks. Drew Brees (25.92) was only about half as good as he was in Week 12. Larry Fitzgerald (20.25), Roddy White (14.60), and LaDainian Tomlinson (14.30) picked up some of the slack, while guys like Gore (5.45) and Dallas Clark (3.20) were hindered by a prevent offense and horrible weather, respectively. Clark nearly had 6 more points, as he recovered a Peyton Manning fumble in the end zone on and attempted 4th down quarterback sneak right before halftime of Indy's game in Cleveland. Unfortunately, by rule, inside of two minutes of each half, when the ball is fumbled forward, the only player who can recover it and have it placed at the spot is the player who fumbled. This is a lesson that Alex and Jack learned earlier on Sunday during a touch football game with the Blandford brothers. Bobby Blandford's fumble near the goal line on the last play of the game was recovered by Alex for an apparent game tying TD. After further review, though, the ball was placed back at the spot of the fumble, where, with Mrs. Blandford preparing to leave without her kids, the game ended with Jack and Matt Blandford celebrating a well deserved and hard fought victory.
The Dragons are still in the mix. Last season's worst team put together a Thanksgiving Day for the ages, as Brian Westbrook (36.50), Kurt Warner (28.70), and Terrell Owens (15.90) put up good numbers on the nation's day of blowouts (which is fitting when you consider the way the Pilgrims began what ended up being a total beat down of the Indians that lasted for about two centuries). It was great to see Dallas get out to a comfortable lead on the Seahawks using practically everyone but T.O. to build the lead. Once in charge in the second half, it was obvious that the main objective on offense was to get the ball to T.O. so that he wouldn't sulk/pout/snap/publicly exercise nude following the game. On a couple of second half plays where Tony Romo threw the ball to someone other than T.O., you could see Romo's body go stiff, with a mild convulsion or two. It turns out that was Jerry Jones sending an electric shock through his QB's body via remote control as a reminder of what the real objective was. After the game, Jessica Simpson approached Jerry of Plastic Surgery to get the model number of the apparatus so that she could get one for herself.
Keeping the faith are the Gnomies. These guys are ready to bust out and take over the top of the PPFFL, or at least that's what they're saying. The Brett Favre (15.94) of Week 12 was same guy who walked the green grass of Lambeau Field from 2004-2006, as he sabotaged nearly every Jets scoring opportunity with crazy throws in the red zone. This is not the American icon that we all expected on one of the most American weekends of the year. He should be cut some slack, though, as in these tough economic times, he was busy using his super powers to create an increase in sales for Black Friday and the rest of the weekend in an attempt to get the econmy back on track (for the record, he said he wasn't responsible for the guy getting trampled to death by imbecile savages at the Long Island Wal Mart...Derek Jeter was the media superhero who was supposed to be in charge of security, and he obviously dropped the ball....spiritual superheros Kurt Warner and Alex Roodriguez vowed to pray for the deceased as well as forgive the tramplers, as they knew not what they were doing while stampeding to get 50% off of a 19 inch TV....superhero of justice and philosophy Charles Barkley said that every one of those knuckleheads should be hung from their toes in Times Square and be beaten like pinatas...). As for the rest of this fake football team, Thomas Jones (24.95), Greg Jennings (20.55), Adrian Peterson (17.50), Mason Crosby (12.00), and Donald Lee (11.85) all picked up the slack nicely as Our Favrer took steps to save the greatest of all countries from falling into a depression.
The PPFFL's equator remained the same, as The Dominator bolstered his position there by a fraction of a point. Jay Cutler (39.04) bounced back from his dreadful performance in Week 12 against the Raiders. Speaking of the Silver and Black, Tony Gonzalez (16.50) continued his stellar play against the real Raiders, not the imposters that hammered Denver last week. Al Davis was overheard in his luxury suite saying that Gonzalez was "the best young tight end in the game". He also said that, "in 5 or 6 years, when he's matured and come into his own, I would love to make him a Raider". When someone pointed out that Gonzalez was, in fact, almost 33 years old and that not many football players remain productive when they are close to 40, Davis shot back, "George Blanda played until he was 57 years old! And, he was an all-pro! Don't try to talk to me about talent, because none of you liars know talent like I do. Watch what happens now when I tell Coach Cradle to run my unstoppable fake field goal play where our voluptuous kicker runs a naked sweep around left end for at least a first down and probably a touchdown."
The teams at the top can all rest a little easier now. You all know the nerves were tightening up when you saw The Maestro making a move the past couple of weeks. Unfortunately for the defending champ, nasty weather off of Lake Erie put the clamps on Peyton Manning (10.40) and prevented all of you from being on the losing end of the greatest comeback in the history of Western Civilization. There is still 4th place to play for, though, as Jason Witten (23.75), the Cowboys defense (15.00), and Steve Smith (12.25) proved in Week 13. Ronnie Brown (9.64), Maurice Jones-Drew (6.10), and Wes Welker (5.50), meanwhile, gave another take on what it means to be playing for 4th place. In Welker's case, he was knocked out by a cheap shot from a Steelers defender whose name has been forgotten. That hit had nothing to do with the hatred for the Patriots that permeates the NFL. That hit was all about the Pittsburgh defense being dropped for the week by The Maestro because of the threat of facing what was the hottest offense in the league. They took out one of this fake team's starting receivers as retaliation. I learned my lesson, fellas. I learned my lesson.
Wearing the big boy pants this week was Team STY. DeAngelo Williams (31.30) led the way as he continued his push to be named the 2008 PPFFL free agent signing of the year. He scored four TDs, two of them coming after Steve Smith made incredible catches on deep passes, only to be drug down inches from the goal line. That's karma biting the baddest man in football back for sucker punching one of his teammates during training camp. Let's not forget Tony Romo (42.32) here, as his stellar game on Turkey Day against one of the dregs of the NFC West helped keep the Cowboys' dimming postseason hopes alive. His broken pinky absolutely killed the season for both his real team and this fake team. There's still time for him to get the 'Boys into the playoffs, but they'll likely be on the road the whole time, meaning there will no pink Romo jersey wearing ditzy blondes with their own Dancng Chucky fan clubs sitting in luxury boxes at Texas Stadium in January 2009. That is, unless, Jessica attends the mass seminar where her formerly horse faced sister and Jerry Jones preach to the masses about how plastic surgery can not only make you look younger, but can also turn you from hideously ugly to merely ugly for only a few thousand dollars. The grand finale of this seminar will be when renowned surgeron Dr. Robert Rey performs live a breast augmentation and liposuction procedure in a glass enclosed operating room constructed right on the star at midfield. During the surgery, he will also manage to do 1,500 pushups, 6,000 crunches, and 35 minutes of work on the heavy bag, all while making sure his anorexic wife doesn't consume anything more than the one peanut that is allotted to her each day.
The Outlaws had another rough week. On the bright side, all of their players actually played. Unfortunately, one of those players was Phillip Rivers (14.38). For all that Eli Manning has been busted on in this space, the fact that he was traded for Phillip Rivers is way more of an insult than anything that's been hurled his way here. Rivers is another in the long line of big, good looking QBs with strong arms that have no idea where to throw the ball or where it's going when it leaves their hand. There should be a hall of fame for these guys. The first class of inductees would be Dan McGwire, Jay Schroeder, Chuck Long, and, of course, Ryan Leaf. Kyle Boller, who was once called "Jesus In Cleats" by the starved for success Cal football fans, will immediately be inducted upon his retirement, without having to observe the usual 5 year waiting period. For statistical purposes, in case you actually care, Eddie Royal (16.80), Matt Forte (16.25) and the Giants defense (12.00) were all solid this week, while guys like Michael Turner (7.00) showed the level of consistency expected from players on teams that have been out of it since Halloween.
Notes:
- The Pillow Fight of the Week was Niners 10, Bills 3. The Niners took a 7-0 lead on their first possession, then went into a stall that made Dean Smith proud. This hasn't been researched at all, but there's a rumor that the teams played 2-hand touch after the first quarter.
- In case you haven't heard, Chris Berman is now losing weight with Nutra System. He's going to get "back, back, back" to his college weight. Nutra System is so easy to use that "he...will...go...all...the...waaaaaay" to his weight loss goals. I didn't make that stuff up, he actually says that in his commercial. My favorite Nutra System commercial is the one where John Kruk says, "My wife says I'm not as disgusting anymore." He's still disgusting, just not as disgusting.
- Bob Papa is the play-by-play guy that works with Cris Collinsworth for NFL Network's Thursday night games. He has huge shoes and an even bigger ego to fill with taking over for Bryant Gumbel this season. Fortunately he's one of announcing's version of the Baldwin Brothers. If Peaches Napear had a brother or two in the same field, they would be announcing's version of the Doody Brothers (Howdy, Stinky, and Skip).
- Even though Gumbel isn't working NFL Network games anymore (and it's a shame because he's rocking a stellar beard these days), this space will still refer to all Thursday night games on DirecTV channel 212 as being Gumbelievable.
- This week's Gumbelievable collision features the Raiders and Chargers. If you thought it couldn't get worse after Monday's Texans/Jaguars Indifference Bowl....well, it obviously can. Word is that NFL Network is lobbying Roger Goodell to do the unprecedented and change this year's schedule so that the Lions and Bengals can play in the network's season fnale in Week 17.
- ESPN is lamenting that ratings are down across all of their programming. The article I read stated that it's down for all networks in all genres (except for HGTV's House Hunters show, which is seeing its ratings go through the roof). The big shots at the Worldwide Leader suspect that the nation is a little down because of the economy, making people do stuff besides watching idiots like Jay Mariotti and Woody Paige say stupid stuff on Around the Horn. I have an idea (which I think I floated here before) to raise ratings, at least temporarily, to an unprecedented level. ESPN should televise a fight to the death between the following people: Stuart Scott, Keith Olbermann, Skip Bayless, Steven A. Smith, Tim McCarver, Dick Stockton, and Brian Baldinger. And, by "Fight to the Death", I mean that, as soon as the bell rings, snipers kill everyone but McCarver (he gets to live because Fox's cartoon baseball needs a friend). I'm telling you, the ratings for that would be through the roof.
That's all for this week. Remember, gentlemen, this is the season of giving, so do great things.
The Commish
posted by Patrick Zalasky at 8:24 AM
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