Tuesday Review v4.5
An exciting week across the NFL (except for here in Northern California) brought with it some changes in the PPFFL. The Cyclones remained at the top and extended their lead, as Team STY fell on some hard times. That fall, though, leaves us with a dogpile behind our leaders, ad four teams are within 24 points of each other. Further down the standings, The Dominator is no longer supporting the whole league on his shoulders, as the season's worst week was turned in by The Dragons, who subsequently took over residence in the cellar.
Official Standings (Week 5):
Cyclones 619.55 (108.38)
The Outlaws 551.58 (109.29)
The Maestro 540.25 (109.57)
Team STY 534.59 (84.67)
The Big Ragu 527.03 (114.75)
Gnomies 479.61 (107.98)
The Dominator 477.52 (122.72)
The Dragons 427.56 (63.24)
This week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award goes to The Dragons, for their decision to keep Pfc. Kellen Winslow, Jr. (29.10) on the bench in favor of Jason Witten (7.35). This designation might be a little harsh, because nobody saw Winslow's performance coming, but we have to give it to Dave for his loyalty to "The Soldier". Every year, Winslow is a Dragon and every year he disappoints (see C. Portis and T. Dominator). For this one week, though, he came through as the man who puts up stats when a crappy team loses (the Raiders are still searching for who that will be for them....hopefully they find someone before the season ends, otherwise they might not crack double figures the rest of the way). We learned a couple of things from this error in judgement. First, never count out a guy who declared himself the toughest guy on earth while in college, then missed a whole NFL season because he wrecked on his motorcycle. Second, never forget that Tony Romo (as pointed out so eloquently by T.O. last season) can only throw to one person at a time....and that tendency usually last for weeks. Jason Witten is out of luck when it comes to getting balls thrown to him, unless he can break Romo up from his new BFF, Miles Austin. Until then, he's relegated to a couple of catches per game and doing postgame interviews dressed as the cab driver from Lazy Town.
Our leaders scored about the same as half of the other teams in the league, but saw their closest competitors take the gas pipe. That leaves the Cyclones with their biggest lead of the season at the 5/17th mark. They were sweating things a little bit when the afternoon games ended, but then it was time for Peyton Manning (57.18) to take the field. He singlehandedly kpet these guys from being within striking range of the rest of our fake league. He's making a strong push to be the PPFFL MVP, something he surprisingly hasn't done in our brief history. God save the rest of the NFL, because Peyton's going to tear up the league trying to win that award for the first time.
Moving to their highest point in the standings since the advent of bread are The Outlaws. Kurt Warner (41.24) and Joseph Addai (20.00) led the way as their fake team reached heights that last season seemed unthinkable. One constant for this team in the past, the roster move, is not as present this season, leaving us to conclude one of two things. Taking Antonio Bryant in the first round wasn't indicative of the quality of the rest of Bob's draft; or, being a little more patient, especially early in the season, might be a solid way to gain firm footing in the standings. Somewhere, though, due to all of this newfound patience, Larry Johnson (the KC Chief, not Grandmama) is weeping, knowing he won't be jumping on and off the Larry Johnson Waiver Express any time soon.
Keeping pace with The Outlaws (they literally scored almost the exact same amount of points for the second week in a row) is The Maestro. Roddy White (33.50) and Tony Romo (33.23) carried this team. In fact, after watching White chase down idiot Dre Bly and strip him of the ball after an interception, the League Office is looking into adding another scoring category for our fake league next season. It will be called something along the lines of "Chasing down an idiot, showboating, me-first DB and taking the ball back after he makes a nice play, then decides to ruin it for his team by trying to place all of the attention on himself." Or, maybe we could call it the Don Beebe. Either way, I think something along the lines of 4 points for what White did on Sunday is more than reasonable.
Exceeded in futility in Week 5 by only The Dragons was Team STY. The Lazarus-like return of Tim Hasselbeck to the Seahwaks lineup meant that this fake team's starting QB, Seneca Wallace (-0.15) was relegated to trick play status for the week. I give credit to a guy, though, who is willing to play someone from their hometown who, through their collegiate travels, ended up playing in the cold, windy, snowy, and icy town said guy now lives (and, even made an always lame college team semi-relevant for a couple of years). I may be more compassionate than the rest of you towards guys who play Sacramento area players though, because I'm the guy that trotted J.T. O'Sullivan out there a couple of times last season.
On the bottom of the dogpile for second place is The Big Ragu. Michael Turner (22.85) and the Minnesota defense (20.00) were this team's standouts for the week, closely followed by Lawrence Tynes (14.00). Funny thing about Tynes....first, he was bound to score a lot of points, as his team was playing the Raiders. Second, he was assigned to TBR, when Carmine sent in a blank lineup for the week. Since the League Office is always there to help out whenever necessary, efforts were made to contact our newest owner. When no contact could be established, TLO had no choice other than to substitute a kicker for Nate Kaeding, who had the week off. In stepped Mr. Tynes, who had a monster day for a kicker. The moral of the story is this: The Commish has done a better job picking players for other teams this season (see D. Brees) than he has for his own.
Heading the pack of bottom feeders are the Gnomies. Struggle has been their middle name since about Week 12 of last season. This week, they were led by Matt Ryan (42.73) who tore up the Niners and gave them a little dose of humility on the field at Candlestick. He and Roddy White pointed out that, not only is Dre Bly a slow idiot, but that Nate Clements can't cover anyone who: is under the age of 38; or who attended a D-1 or D1A college. The television in the League Office stayed tuned to this game until the end with the hopes of seeing both Bly and Clements being chased toward the locker room mid-game by an enraged Mike Singletary. Needless to say, we were all disappointed that it never happened.
Making a Hasselbeck-like ascent was The Dominator. He was the high scorer for the week, all while zooming his way across Nevada, Utah, and parts of Wyoming. It was a team effort for the Travelin' Man, who was led by Matt Schaub (48.17). T.J. Houshmanzadeh (20.85), Hines Ward (17.25), and everyone's favorite personalities, Clinton Portis (17.70). Maybe this fake team is trying to reverse their course of the inagural season, where they started out hot, led the league for the first half, then tanked it the rest of the way. If they change things up and do things the opposite way, maybe they can finish near the side of the standings we are all pining for.
Staying with the theme of the inagural season, The Dragons are back in last place. Let's face it, Week 5 was painful. Only a late TD by the Arizona defense (10.00) kept this fake team from having only Brett Favre (24.54) in double figures for the week. We all know Brett Favre can carry a team, but putting that much pressure on him is ridiculous. Come on, now, would America (our best example of a comparison to Brett Favre) ever go to war in a cesspool like the Middle East without some help from other nations? Would America ever elect back to back Presidents who wouldn't even be successful running the local Jiffy Lube? Would America ever let people who want to destroy our country walk right across the border without asking for identification and asking a few questions? Oh, that's right, America does all of those things. If Favre truly is America, it looks like it could be a long year for this fake football team.
Notes:
An exciting week across the NFL (except for here in Northern California) brought with it some changes in the PPFFL. The Cyclones remained at the top and extended their lead, as Team STY fell on some hard times. That fall, though, leaves us with a dogpile behind our leaders, ad four teams are within 24 points of each other. Further down the standings, The Dominator is no longer supporting the whole league on his shoulders, as the season's worst week was turned in by The Dragons, who subsequently took over residence in the cellar.
Official Standings (Week 5):
Cyclones 619.55 (108.38)
The Outlaws 551.58 (109.29)
The Maestro 540.25 (109.57)
Team STY 534.59 (84.67)
The Big Ragu 527.03 (114.75)
Gnomies 479.61 (107.98)
The Dominator 477.52 (122.72)
The Dragons 427.56 (63.24)
This week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award goes to The Dragons, for their decision to keep Pfc. Kellen Winslow, Jr. (29.10) on the bench in favor of Jason Witten (7.35). This designation might be a little harsh, because nobody saw Winslow's performance coming, but we have to give it to Dave for his loyalty to "The Soldier". Every year, Winslow is a Dragon and every year he disappoints (see C. Portis and T. Dominator). For this one week, though, he came through as the man who puts up stats when a crappy team loses (the Raiders are still searching for who that will be for them....hopefully they find someone before the season ends, otherwise they might not crack double figures the rest of the way). We learned a couple of things from this error in judgement. First, never count out a guy who declared himself the toughest guy on earth while in college, then missed a whole NFL season because he wrecked on his motorcycle. Second, never forget that Tony Romo (as pointed out so eloquently by T.O. last season) can only throw to one person at a time....and that tendency usually last for weeks. Jason Witten is out of luck when it comes to getting balls thrown to him, unless he can break Romo up from his new BFF, Miles Austin. Until then, he's relegated to a couple of catches per game and doing postgame interviews dressed as the cab driver from Lazy Town.
Our leaders scored about the same as half of the other teams in the league, but saw their closest competitors take the gas pipe. That leaves the Cyclones with their biggest lead of the season at the 5/17th mark. They were sweating things a little bit when the afternoon games ended, but then it was time for Peyton Manning (57.18) to take the field. He singlehandedly kpet these guys from being within striking range of the rest of our fake league. He's making a strong push to be the PPFFL MVP, something he surprisingly hasn't done in our brief history. God save the rest of the NFL, because Peyton's going to tear up the league trying to win that award for the first time.
Moving to their highest point in the standings since the advent of bread are The Outlaws. Kurt Warner (41.24) and Joseph Addai (20.00) led the way as their fake team reached heights that last season seemed unthinkable. One constant for this team in the past, the roster move, is not as present this season, leaving us to conclude one of two things. Taking Antonio Bryant in the first round wasn't indicative of the quality of the rest of Bob's draft; or, being a little more patient, especially early in the season, might be a solid way to gain firm footing in the standings. Somewhere, though, due to all of this newfound patience, Larry Johnson (the KC Chief, not Grandmama) is weeping, knowing he won't be jumping on and off the Larry Johnson Waiver Express any time soon.
Keeping pace with The Outlaws (they literally scored almost the exact same amount of points for the second week in a row) is The Maestro. Roddy White (33.50) and Tony Romo (33.23) carried this team. In fact, after watching White chase down idiot Dre Bly and strip him of the ball after an interception, the League Office is looking into adding another scoring category for our fake league next season. It will be called something along the lines of "Chasing down an idiot, showboating, me-first DB and taking the ball back after he makes a nice play, then decides to ruin it for his team by trying to place all of the attention on himself." Or, maybe we could call it the Don Beebe. Either way, I think something along the lines of 4 points for what White did on Sunday is more than reasonable.
Exceeded in futility in Week 5 by only The Dragons was Team STY. The Lazarus-like return of Tim Hasselbeck to the Seahwaks lineup meant that this fake team's starting QB, Seneca Wallace (-0.15) was relegated to trick play status for the week. I give credit to a guy, though, who is willing to play someone from their hometown who, through their collegiate travels, ended up playing in the cold, windy, snowy, and icy town said guy now lives (and, even made an always lame college team semi-relevant for a couple of years). I may be more compassionate than the rest of you towards guys who play Sacramento area players though, because I'm the guy that trotted J.T. O'Sullivan out there a couple of times last season.
On the bottom of the dogpile for second place is The Big Ragu. Michael Turner (22.85) and the Minnesota defense (20.00) were this team's standouts for the week, closely followed by Lawrence Tynes (14.00). Funny thing about Tynes....first, he was bound to score a lot of points, as his team was playing the Raiders. Second, he was assigned to TBR, when Carmine sent in a blank lineup for the week. Since the League Office is always there to help out whenever necessary, efforts were made to contact our newest owner. When no contact could be established, TLO had no choice other than to substitute a kicker for Nate Kaeding, who had the week off. In stepped Mr. Tynes, who had a monster day for a kicker. The moral of the story is this: The Commish has done a better job picking players for other teams this season (see D. Brees) than he has for his own.
Heading the pack of bottom feeders are the Gnomies. Struggle has been their middle name since about Week 12 of last season. This week, they were led by Matt Ryan (42.73) who tore up the Niners and gave them a little dose of humility on the field at Candlestick. He and Roddy White pointed out that, not only is Dre Bly a slow idiot, but that Nate Clements can't cover anyone who: is under the age of 38; or who attended a D-1 or D1A college. The television in the League Office stayed tuned to this game until the end with the hopes of seeing both Bly and Clements being chased toward the locker room mid-game by an enraged Mike Singletary. Needless to say, we were all disappointed that it never happened.
Making a Hasselbeck-like ascent was The Dominator. He was the high scorer for the week, all while zooming his way across Nevada, Utah, and parts of Wyoming. It was a team effort for the Travelin' Man, who was led by Matt Schaub (48.17). T.J. Houshmanzadeh (20.85), Hines Ward (17.25), and everyone's favorite personalities, Clinton Portis (17.70). Maybe this fake team is trying to reverse their course of the inagural season, where they started out hot, led the league for the first half, then tanked it the rest of the way. If they change things up and do things the opposite way, maybe they can finish near the side of the standings we are all pining for.
Staying with the theme of the inagural season, The Dragons are back in last place. Let's face it, Week 5 was painful. Only a late TD by the Arizona defense (10.00) kept this fake team from having only Brett Favre (24.54) in double figures for the week. We all know Brett Favre can carry a team, but putting that much pressure on him is ridiculous. Come on, now, would America (our best example of a comparison to Brett Favre) ever go to war in a cesspool like the Middle East without some help from other nations? Would America ever elect back to back Presidents who wouldn't even be successful running the local Jiffy Lube? Would America ever let people who want to destroy our country walk right across the border without asking for identification and asking a few questions? Oh, that's right, America does all of those things. If Favre truly is America, it looks like it could be a long year for this fake football team.
Notes:
- To paraphrase the schmo who covers the Raiders for the Bee and give him credit for a great line, maybe it is time for Tom Cable to walk into the Napa Police Station and confess to everything that he did to Randy Hansen. Jail couldn't possibly be any worse than coaching that mess.
- In keeping with Hispanic Heritage month (evidenced by the show put on by the NFL and President Barry last night in Miami), the rest of the games this month for the following teams will be announced in Spanish only: Kansas City, St. Louis, Cleveland, Oakland, Jacksonville, Tampa Bay, Washington, Detroit, and Buffalo. Not understanding what is being described will likely ease the pain a little for the fans of these teams. And, for those Spanish speakers who tune into the games, let's hope that the putrid play from these teams makes those listeners who are here illegally flee back to their home countries, never to return.
- The preceeding in no way was endorsed by Keith Olbermann. In fact, if Olbermann had his way, all NFL games would be announced in Arabic.
- Apologies for the past two paragraphs. Sean Hannity snuck into the League Office and penned the last two entries. Since I'm not here to silence anyone (Dick Stockton and Mike Lamb are frequent contributors, for crying out loud), I'll leave everything as it is.
- One more reference to Football Night in America, and it has nothing to do with the lack of height given to Bob Costas. It is no wonder everyone in the NFL hated Rodney Harrison. He's been on FNIA for barely a month and I would guess that 90% of America already hates him, too. In all honesty, I tuned in to Week 1's FNIA late and hated the guy before I even knew who he was.
- Tony Dungy, on the other hand, is a swell guy. And, smart, too. We all knew Ron Mexico and the Raiders were a match that we all wanted to see. It turns out that Mr. Dungy steered Senor Mexico away from Oaktown. Although it would have been great entertainment for America (and Brett Favre), the whole thing might have ended in a tragedy that nobody really wanted to see. Seriously. Think about it. Ron Mexico in Oakland. Right after being released from jail. The point was to make things easier on the guy, not harder.
- Finally, in case I really needed to point it out, the Pillow Fight of the Week was Buffalo 6, Cleveland 3. If the first 5 weeks are any indication, it will be tougher than ever to pick the Pillow Fight of the Year.
With that, I'm out of here for another week. Be safe and don't take any wooden nickels.
The Commish
posted by Patrick Zalasky at 11:12 AM
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