Tuesday Review v3.2
The Dragons are taking us all out behind the woodshed, boys. They followed up a very good opening week with a spectacular second week, opening up a nice 34 point lead over Team STY. This move is reminiscent of The Maestro from last season, as The Dragons have a hot QB, two stud receivers, and a running back who is seemingly good for a couple of TDs each week.
The Dominator and The Outlaws both made really nice moves this week, rebounding from less than stellar work in Week 1. The team at the top, however, made sure we still had a huge gap from first to worst.
Official Standings (Week 2):
The Dragons 255.51 (145.47)
Team STY 221.14 (118.99)
The Maestro 207.96 (109.37)
The Dominator 198.35 (145.85)
Cyclones 188.78 (84.77)
Gnomies 177.50 (94.77)
The Outlaws 163.44 (128.92)
The "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award" for the week goes to Team STY, who would have been a lot closer to first if they had started Chris Chambers (20.15) in place of Braylon Edwards (4.60). In all fairness to Edwards, Mother Nature decided to find out what it was like to play a game inside a wind tunnel. The City of Burning Rivers was beset by the remnants of Hurricane Ike right around the time the ball was kicked off on Sunday night, bringing steady winds of 25-30 mph, shifting directions all night long. In other words, it was just like a night baseball game in the middle of July at Candlestick Park. Chambers, meanwhile, was in the midst of the Ed Hoculi Game, catching passes in the warm sunshine of San Diego.
Looking to run away and lead the PPFFL from start to finish this season are The Dragons. Led by Kurt Warner (44.72), Brian Westbrook (29.15), Reggie Bush (20.30), and Terrell Owens (19.45), this team is looking very strong. Warner is obviously in a zone in Arizona, likely letting it all hang out knowing the fans don't expect much. We'll see what happens should the Cards be leading the NFC West around Week 6 or 7. If they are truly the Cardinals, they'll go through a 4 week stretch where Warner is sacked 30 times, the team averages 9 points a game, and Anquan Boldin assaults a group of fans after a game. Right now, this team has everything going, including karma. When DeSean Jackson pulled some thug stuff last night and taunted the Dallas DBs on his way to the end zone, karma made sure an idiot like him didn't get all the way to paydirt before flipping the ball out of bounds. The ensuing play for the Eagles ended with Westbrook tumbling over from the 1, adding 6 seemingly bonus points to The Dragons total.
Team STY had a very solid week, but still lost ground, as did almost every other team in the league. Their week went from shaky to great last night, as Tony Romo (39.49), Marion Barber III (21.70), and Nick Folk (14.00) all performed above expectations. It sure is good that Team STY recruited Jerry Jones to come in and help them during the PPFFL draft. Not to be lost in the Cowboy euphoria was another solid outing by Reggie Wayne (15.65), who is clearly Peyton Manning's new favorite target. Marvin Harrison can't like that and, as we noted last week, Marvin isn't afraid of using gun violence to get his way. Now, Marvin obviously isn't stupid enough to threaten either the franchise quarterback or the new franchise wide receiver. He could, however, go after someone close to those guys, maybe even beating them up a little to get his point across. Marvin, if you read this, remember that a couple of years ago Grant "Peaches" Napear spent a night hanging around with Manning in Indianapolis, in what Peaches described as one of the greatest nights of his life. I bet it would really upset Manning, and maybe even make him throw the ball to you more, if you had one of your boys roll into Sacramento to rough Peaches up a little. If you need further incentive, someone told me that they heard Peaches say you were a cross between Lamar from "Revenge of the Nerds" and a 3rd grade girl with polio. At least, that's what I heard.
The Maestro moved up a little, but his week could have been so much better if his players would have scored some touchdowns. In a statistical oddity for the PPFFL, this team scored over 100 points with only 1 TD factoring into the scoring. That TD, incidentally, was completely offset by the 2 interceptions thrown by Peyton Manning (29.22). Had these guys reached the end zone at all, it could have been a fantastic week. DeSean Jackson (15.10) was the biggest culprit, basically giving a TD away, but Jason Witten (15.50) was also to blame, as he was ankle tackled on the 5 yard line by a guy who weighed about 75 pounds less than him. Wes Welker (10.60) and Willie Parker (8.25) had great stats, but couldn't cross the wide line on either end of the field while toting the ball. Sebastian Janikowski (14.00) was finally given the opportunity to kick by rebellious teenaged coach Lane Kiffin, booting a team record 56 yarder early in their game against the Chiefs. Kiffin reverted to form later on, when he ordered a punt from KC's 40 yard line late in the 1st half. I guess Lane didn't notice that SeaBass' record setting kick cleared the cross bar by about 10 yards.
Making the biggest move in the standings and posting the highest point total of the week was The Dominator. The two guys most responsible were Jay Cutler (63.30) and Anquan Boldin (34.00). Cutler torched the once formidable Chargers defense, a week after doing the same to the Oakland defense. Considering the way the Chargers went up and down the field on the Broncos, the question becomes: Does the AFC West have the worst defenses in football? Each team, with the exception of the Chiefs has absolutely been torched by legit NFL offenses (the Raiders and Chiefs don't have legit offenses, hence thier game on Sunday...and a team led by Matt Cassel isn't legit, either). Back to The Dominator, Clinton Portis (18.95) had a fabulous game, then immediately told the media he was going to change his name to Irwin Fletcher, move to Los Angeles, and become a crime fighting newspaper columnist.
The Cyclones regressed a little from their first week together, but still stayed in front of our other team run by adolescents. New acquisition Ben Roethlisberger (18.22) was hampered by the wind in Cleveland, but still managed to find Hines Ward (13.95) a couple of times, including once in the end zone. Larry Fitzgerald (13.95) and Frank Gore (13.95) showcased the power of the NFC West, a power so strong, that the Cardinals only have to go 6-8 the rest of the way to do something most commentators thought wouldn't be done by a team in that division: finish with a .500 record or better. The Bears (14.00) defense was a nice replacement for the Ravens, who had their game postponed by the mighty Ike, fortunately sparing us the sight of the Ravens and Texans actually taking the same field for an actual game. A new acquisition that didn't work out quite so well was Anthony Fasano (0.00), who did as well as the dead guy found in the parking lot of Anaheim Stadium the day after Game 7 of the 2002 World Series. Thank you, Anthony, for giving the author a chance to make a reference to the unfortunate soul that somehow was missed by the 60,000 euphoric Angels fans leaving the stadium that night.
Next in line are the Gnomies, who almost cracked the century mark for the week, with a pretty balanced, but unspectacular attack. Brett Favre (21.92) was brought down to earth a little, by the Patriots. Bill Belichick coached teams don't stand around and watch when the opposing QB tosses balls up for grabs at the goal line. That's what separates a great team like New England from teams that have trouble winning twice in the same season, like the Dolphins. Greg Jennings (17.35), Adrian Peterson (16.00), Mason Crosby (12.00), and the Buccaneers defense (12.00) all cracked double figures, while Maurice Jones-Drew (9.85) barely missed. Had Jerricho Cotchery (2.00) and Heath Miller (3.65) done more than act as window dressing, this team might have passed their young rivals in the standings.
Scoring nearly 100 points more than they did last week were The Outlaws. Brandon Marshall (35.30) was the stud of the week, catching 18 passes and coming within 2 receptions of T.O.'s NFL record. Dunnavunn McNabb (29.62) was solid up to the point where he forgot how to execute a simple handoff. He was also denied a TD due to the flamboyant stupidity of DeSean Jackson. The Giants defense (18.00) was outstanding, as was Joe Nedney (16.00) who redeemed his miss at the end of regulation by beating Seattle in overtime. Eddie Royal (15.15) made the two biggest catches of Denver's game after the Broncos were given second life by Ed Hoculi. The next couple of weeks will be huge for The Outlaws as we find out the following: Do the Broncos have a great offense, or did they take advantage of a couple of weak AFC West defenses? Can Dunnavunn keep leading the Eagles to success, even though he's apparently forgotten how to hand the ball off and has a cocky idiot as his featured receiver? Can the Giants defense and Joe Nedney continue to score more points than most running backs in the league?
Notes:
The Dragons are taking us all out behind the woodshed, boys. They followed up a very good opening week with a spectacular second week, opening up a nice 34 point lead over Team STY. This move is reminiscent of The Maestro from last season, as The Dragons have a hot QB, two stud receivers, and a running back who is seemingly good for a couple of TDs each week.
The Dominator and The Outlaws both made really nice moves this week, rebounding from less than stellar work in Week 1. The team at the top, however, made sure we still had a huge gap from first to worst.
Official Standings (Week 2):
The Dragons 255.51 (145.47)
Team STY 221.14 (118.99)
The Maestro 207.96 (109.37)
The Dominator 198.35 (145.85)
Cyclones 188.78 (84.77)
Gnomies 177.50 (94.77)
The Outlaws 163.44 (128.92)
The "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award" for the week goes to Team STY, who would have been a lot closer to first if they had started Chris Chambers (20.15) in place of Braylon Edwards (4.60). In all fairness to Edwards, Mother Nature decided to find out what it was like to play a game inside a wind tunnel. The City of Burning Rivers was beset by the remnants of Hurricane Ike right around the time the ball was kicked off on Sunday night, bringing steady winds of 25-30 mph, shifting directions all night long. In other words, it was just like a night baseball game in the middle of July at Candlestick Park. Chambers, meanwhile, was in the midst of the Ed Hoculi Game, catching passes in the warm sunshine of San Diego.
Looking to run away and lead the PPFFL from start to finish this season are The Dragons. Led by Kurt Warner (44.72), Brian Westbrook (29.15), Reggie Bush (20.30), and Terrell Owens (19.45), this team is looking very strong. Warner is obviously in a zone in Arizona, likely letting it all hang out knowing the fans don't expect much. We'll see what happens should the Cards be leading the NFC West around Week 6 or 7. If they are truly the Cardinals, they'll go through a 4 week stretch where Warner is sacked 30 times, the team averages 9 points a game, and Anquan Boldin assaults a group of fans after a game. Right now, this team has everything going, including karma. When DeSean Jackson pulled some thug stuff last night and taunted the Dallas DBs on his way to the end zone, karma made sure an idiot like him didn't get all the way to paydirt before flipping the ball out of bounds. The ensuing play for the Eagles ended with Westbrook tumbling over from the 1, adding 6 seemingly bonus points to The Dragons total.
Team STY had a very solid week, but still lost ground, as did almost every other team in the league. Their week went from shaky to great last night, as Tony Romo (39.49), Marion Barber III (21.70), and Nick Folk (14.00) all performed above expectations. It sure is good that Team STY recruited Jerry Jones to come in and help them during the PPFFL draft. Not to be lost in the Cowboy euphoria was another solid outing by Reggie Wayne (15.65), who is clearly Peyton Manning's new favorite target. Marvin Harrison can't like that and, as we noted last week, Marvin isn't afraid of using gun violence to get his way. Now, Marvin obviously isn't stupid enough to threaten either the franchise quarterback or the new franchise wide receiver. He could, however, go after someone close to those guys, maybe even beating them up a little to get his point across. Marvin, if you read this, remember that a couple of years ago Grant "Peaches" Napear spent a night hanging around with Manning in Indianapolis, in what Peaches described as one of the greatest nights of his life. I bet it would really upset Manning, and maybe even make him throw the ball to you more, if you had one of your boys roll into Sacramento to rough Peaches up a little. If you need further incentive, someone told me that they heard Peaches say you were a cross between Lamar from "Revenge of the Nerds" and a 3rd grade girl with polio. At least, that's what I heard.
The Maestro moved up a little, but his week could have been so much better if his players would have scored some touchdowns. In a statistical oddity for the PPFFL, this team scored over 100 points with only 1 TD factoring into the scoring. That TD, incidentally, was completely offset by the 2 interceptions thrown by Peyton Manning (29.22). Had these guys reached the end zone at all, it could have been a fantastic week. DeSean Jackson (15.10) was the biggest culprit, basically giving a TD away, but Jason Witten (15.50) was also to blame, as he was ankle tackled on the 5 yard line by a guy who weighed about 75 pounds less than him. Wes Welker (10.60) and Willie Parker (8.25) had great stats, but couldn't cross the wide line on either end of the field while toting the ball. Sebastian Janikowski (14.00) was finally given the opportunity to kick by rebellious teenaged coach Lane Kiffin, booting a team record 56 yarder early in their game against the Chiefs. Kiffin reverted to form later on, when he ordered a punt from KC's 40 yard line late in the 1st half. I guess Lane didn't notice that SeaBass' record setting kick cleared the cross bar by about 10 yards.
Making the biggest move in the standings and posting the highest point total of the week was The Dominator. The two guys most responsible were Jay Cutler (63.30) and Anquan Boldin (34.00). Cutler torched the once formidable Chargers defense, a week after doing the same to the Oakland defense. Considering the way the Chargers went up and down the field on the Broncos, the question becomes: Does the AFC West have the worst defenses in football? Each team, with the exception of the Chiefs has absolutely been torched by legit NFL offenses (the Raiders and Chiefs don't have legit offenses, hence thier game on Sunday...and a team led by Matt Cassel isn't legit, either). Back to The Dominator, Clinton Portis (18.95) had a fabulous game, then immediately told the media he was going to change his name to Irwin Fletcher, move to Los Angeles, and become a crime fighting newspaper columnist.
The Cyclones regressed a little from their first week together, but still stayed in front of our other team run by adolescents. New acquisition Ben Roethlisberger (18.22) was hampered by the wind in Cleveland, but still managed to find Hines Ward (13.95) a couple of times, including once in the end zone. Larry Fitzgerald (13.95) and Frank Gore (13.95) showcased the power of the NFC West, a power so strong, that the Cardinals only have to go 6-8 the rest of the way to do something most commentators thought wouldn't be done by a team in that division: finish with a .500 record or better. The Bears (14.00) defense was a nice replacement for the Ravens, who had their game postponed by the mighty Ike, fortunately sparing us the sight of the Ravens and Texans actually taking the same field for an actual game. A new acquisition that didn't work out quite so well was Anthony Fasano (0.00), who did as well as the dead guy found in the parking lot of Anaheim Stadium the day after Game 7 of the 2002 World Series. Thank you, Anthony, for giving the author a chance to make a reference to the unfortunate soul that somehow was missed by the 60,000 euphoric Angels fans leaving the stadium that night.
Next in line are the Gnomies, who almost cracked the century mark for the week, with a pretty balanced, but unspectacular attack. Brett Favre (21.92) was brought down to earth a little, by the Patriots. Bill Belichick coached teams don't stand around and watch when the opposing QB tosses balls up for grabs at the goal line. That's what separates a great team like New England from teams that have trouble winning twice in the same season, like the Dolphins. Greg Jennings (17.35), Adrian Peterson (16.00), Mason Crosby (12.00), and the Buccaneers defense (12.00) all cracked double figures, while Maurice Jones-Drew (9.85) barely missed. Had Jerricho Cotchery (2.00) and Heath Miller (3.65) done more than act as window dressing, this team might have passed their young rivals in the standings.
Scoring nearly 100 points more than they did last week were The Outlaws. Brandon Marshall (35.30) was the stud of the week, catching 18 passes and coming within 2 receptions of T.O.'s NFL record. Dunnavunn McNabb (29.62) was solid up to the point where he forgot how to execute a simple handoff. He was also denied a TD due to the flamboyant stupidity of DeSean Jackson. The Giants defense (18.00) was outstanding, as was Joe Nedney (16.00) who redeemed his miss at the end of regulation by beating Seattle in overtime. Eddie Royal (15.15) made the two biggest catches of Denver's game after the Broncos were given second life by Ed Hoculi. The next couple of weeks will be huge for The Outlaws as we find out the following: Do the Broncos have a great offense, or did they take advantage of a couple of weak AFC West defenses? Can Dunnavunn keep leading the Eagles to success, even though he's apparently forgotten how to hand the ball off and has a cocky idiot as his featured receiver? Can the Giants defense and Joe Nedney continue to score more points than most running backs in the league?
Notes:
- Get your transaction requests in as soon as you can. The Outlaws, once again, have the first crack at all available free agents.
- Ed Hoculi obviously made a bad call at the end of the San Diego/Denver game on Sunday, but his hands were tied by a horrible rule stating that plays during which a whistle is blown can't be reviewed. That's just plain stupid. The NFL's position is that players stop playing when they hear the whistle, therefore you can't take into account anything that happens afterward. Do the guys making the rules watch the games? Every time the ball hits the ground, someone picks it up and runs with it while the opposing team chases him, regardless of whether an official is blowing his whistle. Neither Jay Cutler, who was Denver's best chance to get the ball, nor Tim Dobbins, who actually picked up the ball, payed any attention to Hoculi's whistle. Norv Turner was right to be steamed after the game. Notice, though, that he saved most of his venom for the press conference and didn't unload on Hoculi on the field. Even Norv is smart enough to know thay you don't want to mess with the pythons that Ed is covering with his sleeves.
- To those of you that think the Seahawks are looked down upon by the league and networks, think again. Their game against the Niners drew Fox's #2 announcing team. Thank goodness, too. With so many unknown players on the field and so much scoring, can you imagine what it would have been like had Dick Stockton been assigned? The spotter and producer would have filed for combat pay after trying to keep Stockton straight on which players were doing what. And, I'm certain the color analyst would have been in the Stadium Club getting hammered by the middle of the second quarter.
- NBC's Football Night in America did what was nearly impossible: it got worse from Week 1 to Week 2. They have about 40 "analysts" on the show, and none of them appear to care that they have been hired to actually analyze football. Keith Olbermann and Dan Patrick are absolutely brutal, along the lines of which we haven't seen before. Most of the people watching don't even remember that the two ushered in the era of snarky highlight commentary on SportsCenter. Those that do remember probably are annoyed by Olbermann's condescending personality these days and wish the guy would go suck on a tail pipe. FNIA has gotten to the point where Bob Costas looks to say as little as possible, going totally against his windbag persona, probably to trick people into thinking he isn't actually the leader of this mess. And, Cris Collinsworth looks like he's trying to find an escape route every time the camera zooms in on him. By the end of the season, I predict Costas will throw it to Collinsowrth and all that will be in his chair is a dummy reminiscent of the ones used to escape from Alcatraz.
- If you want to see expert analysis, tune into ESPN. Last night, Mike Ditka was given the first chance to drop some knowledge on America during Monday Night Countdown. When asked what would determine the winner of the game, Iron Mike told us that it would be like that old song "Get Physical" and that the team that was the most physical would win. He also said that there might be some points scored, but it won't be pretty. Does every guy that played 40 years ago think that they have to tell us that the team who plays more physical will win? This is FOOTBALL! Of course the team that comes out and hits harder and gets after it is probably going to win. Jack Youngblood, you need to contact an attorney, because Mike Ditka is stealing your material.
Well, that's it for this week. Have a great week and do great things, gentlemen.
The Commish
posted by Patrick Zalasky at 9:33 AM
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