Tuesday Review v3.15
The Cyclones took another step toward becoming the youngest champions in PPFFL history with a solid week that was similar to the weeks of all but two of our fake teams. They gained six points on the second place Dragons to carry a 43 point cushion into the final two weeks of the season. It's not an insurmountable lead by any menas, but it will take a heroic effort from The Dragons to knock the kids off of their perch.
Further down in the standings, The Maestro blew past the Gnomies into third place. In just two weeks, our defending champ has gained over 120 points on the Gnomies in all but assuring an upper division finish. The bottom of the standings, if anyone cares, remained the same.
Official Standings (Week 15):
Cyclones 1,654.30 (112.69)
The Dragons 1,611.10 (106.45)
The Maestro 1,577.99 (121.66)
Gnomies 1,535.30 (72.62)
The Dominator 1,511.90 (87.14)
Team STY 1,489.28 (116.03)
The Outlaws 1,398.55 (119.97)
The race for the championship would be closer to finished if not for a bit of a lineup blunder by our leaders. The Cyclones, in a week where they made major lineup changes, kept Calvin Johnson (21.50) on the bench while playing Larry Fitzgerald (7.60) and Roddy White (7.05). Fitzgerald and White have been solid all season and have contributed to the stellar season our leaders are having, but they obviously don't realize that someone has to put up stats on the bad teams, even those that are historically bad. For the Tabby Cats, that someone is usually Calvin Johnson, at least when Daunte Culpepper isn't too bloated to throw him the ball. For this slight blunder that kept hope alive for their closest pursuer, the Cyclones get Week 15's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award.
The Cyclones made a bold change to their lineup this week, as they inserted Jason Campbell (21.89) into the lineup in place of Drew Brees. Brees has gone from being the leader for PPFFL MVP to benched in favor of a guy who goes into every game with fans, coaches, and players of the Redskins thinking, "I hope Campbell doesn't do something to screw this game up." A change like this is reminiscent of the 'Ol Ballcoach, Steve Spurrier, who at Florida rotated his QBs as much as Abe Lincoln rotated his generals (for those of you not up on your Civil War history, Lincoln changed generals a lot....even more than the Maloofs have changed head coaches the past 3 years). Campbell didn't exactly overwhelm anyone this week, so it was fortunate that Dallas Clark (28.10) had his best game of the season. Also chipping in were LaDainian Tomlinson (15.70), Rod Bironas (14.00), and the Tampa Bay defense (13.00). Will more changes be in store as this team guns for the PPFFL title? Only time will tell if they end up like the legendary Spurrier from his Florida days or the disgraced Spurrier from his days with the Redskins.
Hanging in there are The Dragons. Kurt Warner (30.40) was able to put up decent stats while his team was getting beat up, proving that the best thing to happen to the NFC West champs this season was being in the NFC West. The Cards are 5-0 against their division opponents and 3-6 against everyone else, with a game against the Seahawks left on the schedule. If Mike Martz hadn't screwed up the "Fullback Dive" game a few Mondays ago, the Cards and Niners would be locked in an epic (well, maybe not epic, but interesting) battle to see who gets to be whipped by a wild card team at home in the playoffs. The rest of the players for this fake football team need to raise a glass for Andre Johnson (30.35) and the Philadelphia defense (19.00). If it weren't for those guys, this team would be out of the title picture, as Vernon Davis (7.10), Brian Westbrook (6.35), Terrell Owens (4.90), and Reggie Bush (4.35) all came up really small in one of the biggest weekends of the season.
Refusing to give up is The Maestro, who is in the midst of a very impressive run. This late season charge will more than likely be futile, however, as 13 weeks of mediocrity tend to outweigh 3 or 4 weeks of excellence. Peyton Manning (39.01) continued his strong play of late, and was joined in excellence by Steve Smith (26.70), Maurice Jones-Drew (19.50), and Wes Welker (15.45). Jason Witten's performance (7.20) wasn't as strong as the prior week, possibly due to all of the Junior High histrionics that surrounded the Cowboys last week. They had T.O. accusing Witten of getting together with Tony Romo to conspire against throwing the ball to #81. What T.O. didn't do was research just how many times Romo had thrown the ball to each of them. Reality is that, going into Sunday, over 120 passes had been directed T.O.'s way, of which about half had been caught. Contrast that to Witten, who had caught 59 of the 88 balls tossed his way. If I were Romo, I'd conspire to throw more passes to the guy who was actually catching the freaking ball. And, while doing it, T.O., I would also talk about you behind your back, mostly about what a worthless crybaby you're turning into. You've always been a crybaby, you've just recently become worthless. Craving attention, egomaniacal owner Jerry Jones had to get into the news, so he decided to call star running back Marion Barber III a wuss and insinuate that he was afraid to play in pain. Barber took the words to heart and suited up on Sunday, even with a severely sore toe (toes are small, but apparently important to RBs as Darren McFadden has played sporadically all year due to a sore toe). The results were not what Jerry of the Stretched Face wanted to see: 2 yards on 8 carries. Next time you want to criticze a player for not playing, boss, try to avoid going after the guys who can't run without a limp, especially if their job is to run the ball.
Dropping out of the top 3, likely for good this season, are the Gnomies. Much like their adolescent counteparts, they made a major change at QB this week, benching Our Favrer in favor of Seneca Wallace (12.67). Favre didn't exactly light up the joint, but the results from a Sacramento area QB were predictable, particulalry when you consider the debacle that was the J.T. O'Sullivan Experiment. In most weeks, a fake team would be pumped to say that most of their guys scored about as many points as their QB. This wasn't one of those weeks for the Gnomies. Thomas Jones (12.10), Adrian Peterson (11.25), the Baltimore defense (11.00), Greg Jennings (10.10), and Mason Crosby (10.00) all approached the fantasy production of Seneca, which wasn't a good thing. As bad things usually come in threes, we can only wonder if another QB with Sacramento area ties will be thrust into a starting job soon, picked up by a PPFFL team, then dropped shortly after they perform the way most everyone predicted. As there aren't any area QBs close to starting anywhere, we can only hope that the Bills, Bengals, or Browns lose the backups that they are currently starting in Week 16, forcing them to sign Gio Carmazzi away from the Round Table Pizza where he currently works to start under center for them in Week 17. If that were to happen, I would personally pick up Gio and play him at QB in the season's final week.
The Dominator had a rough week, but what can you expect when he's counting on a genius like Clinton Portis (5.15)? Sorry, Clinton, that was a low blow. If there's something you aren't, it's a genius. For anyone who played football at The U to be called that is downright slanderous. You would think that Jim Zorn would be sensitive to something like that. Wait a minute, didn't Coach Zorn call you a genius as a way to insult you? A backhanded compliment, if you will? Well, then, the coach was right, you are a genius, though not as much of a genius as guys like Michael Irvin or Lamar Thomas*. As for the non-geniuses on The Dominator's squad, Jay Cutler (22.89) had a rough day in Charlotte. Santana Moss (18.00) picked up some of the slack for slackers like Jamal Lewis (5.30) and Anquan Boldin (5.70). And, let's not forget Tonay Gonzalez (15.10) who continues to put up huge numbers for a guy who has been in the league for so long and plays for such a lame team. When the Raiders sign him in 5 years, he just might be the guy who pushes them to 6 wins in a season.
*Lamar Thomas is the former University of Miami wide receiver who, as a radio color commentator in 2007, nearly ran down from the booth to the field to join a brawl that the Hurricanes were having with Florida Atlantic. He famously exclaimed "This is what happens when you come into the O.B. (Orange Bowl) and try to mess with The U!" If not for Michael Irvin, he would be the valedictorian for Miami athletics, you know, if any of Miami's athletes ever graduated.
Trying to get into 5th place before the season ends is Team STY. Tony Romo (32.23) led the Cowboys to victory amid all of the gossip and note passing in Big D last week. One of the notes, confiscated by Ed Werder of ESPN, listed a bunch of players, coaches, and other staff associated with the Cowboys and detailed whether Romo and Witten liked them or not. As expected, neither of them likes T.O. They both like DeMarcus Ware and Romo likes Barber, but Witten kind of likes him, but wishes he was tougher (Witten wrote, "I could never see him running down the field without a helmet on"). Witten likes Wade Phillips, but Romo wrote in that space "Who's that?" They both really like Jerry Jones, with Romo noting, "He's the best coach I have ever played for." They even included the cheerleaders, as Romo really likes Amanda, even if "Jessica thinks she's trailer park trash". Witten said he likes Kelly Jo, but is really worried about her kicks.
The Outlaws are still plugging away, posting the second best score of the week. Maybe this will lay a foundation for next season where, hopefully, they aren't out of the race after Week 1. Phillip Rivers (45.52) led a near miraculous comeback in Kansas City (miracles can't happen against teams as crappy as the Chiefs). Antonio Bryant (22.40) continued his quest for a nice contract next season, thereby allowing him to get back to his preferred lifestyle of underachieving on the field while being a knucklehead off of it. You can't be that kind of guy unless you have a big contract and Bryant is doing everything he can to get paid. Michael Turner (20.10) rescued the Falcons on a day when Matt Ryan was off of his game. Turner is having a much bigger impact in Atlanta than his former mentor in San Diego is having.
Notes:
The Cyclones took another step toward becoming the youngest champions in PPFFL history with a solid week that was similar to the weeks of all but two of our fake teams. They gained six points on the second place Dragons to carry a 43 point cushion into the final two weeks of the season. It's not an insurmountable lead by any menas, but it will take a heroic effort from The Dragons to knock the kids off of their perch.
Further down in the standings, The Maestro blew past the Gnomies into third place. In just two weeks, our defending champ has gained over 120 points on the Gnomies in all but assuring an upper division finish. The bottom of the standings, if anyone cares, remained the same.
Official Standings (Week 15):
Cyclones 1,654.30 (112.69)
The Dragons 1,611.10 (106.45)
The Maestro 1,577.99 (121.66)
Gnomies 1,535.30 (72.62)
The Dominator 1,511.90 (87.14)
Team STY 1,489.28 (116.03)
The Outlaws 1,398.55 (119.97)
The race for the championship would be closer to finished if not for a bit of a lineup blunder by our leaders. The Cyclones, in a week where they made major lineup changes, kept Calvin Johnson (21.50) on the bench while playing Larry Fitzgerald (7.60) and Roddy White (7.05). Fitzgerald and White have been solid all season and have contributed to the stellar season our leaders are having, but they obviously don't realize that someone has to put up stats on the bad teams, even those that are historically bad. For the Tabby Cats, that someone is usually Calvin Johnson, at least when Daunte Culpepper isn't too bloated to throw him the ball. For this slight blunder that kept hope alive for their closest pursuer, the Cyclones get Week 15's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award.
The Cyclones made a bold change to their lineup this week, as they inserted Jason Campbell (21.89) into the lineup in place of Drew Brees. Brees has gone from being the leader for PPFFL MVP to benched in favor of a guy who goes into every game with fans, coaches, and players of the Redskins thinking, "I hope Campbell doesn't do something to screw this game up." A change like this is reminiscent of the 'Ol Ballcoach, Steve Spurrier, who at Florida rotated his QBs as much as Abe Lincoln rotated his generals (for those of you not up on your Civil War history, Lincoln changed generals a lot....even more than the Maloofs have changed head coaches the past 3 years). Campbell didn't exactly overwhelm anyone this week, so it was fortunate that Dallas Clark (28.10) had his best game of the season. Also chipping in were LaDainian Tomlinson (15.70), Rod Bironas (14.00), and the Tampa Bay defense (13.00). Will more changes be in store as this team guns for the PPFFL title? Only time will tell if they end up like the legendary Spurrier from his Florida days or the disgraced Spurrier from his days with the Redskins.
Hanging in there are The Dragons. Kurt Warner (30.40) was able to put up decent stats while his team was getting beat up, proving that the best thing to happen to the NFC West champs this season was being in the NFC West. The Cards are 5-0 against their division opponents and 3-6 against everyone else, with a game against the Seahawks left on the schedule. If Mike Martz hadn't screwed up the "Fullback Dive" game a few Mondays ago, the Cards and Niners would be locked in an epic (well, maybe not epic, but interesting) battle to see who gets to be whipped by a wild card team at home in the playoffs. The rest of the players for this fake football team need to raise a glass for Andre Johnson (30.35) and the Philadelphia defense (19.00). If it weren't for those guys, this team would be out of the title picture, as Vernon Davis (7.10), Brian Westbrook (6.35), Terrell Owens (4.90), and Reggie Bush (4.35) all came up really small in one of the biggest weekends of the season.
Refusing to give up is The Maestro, who is in the midst of a very impressive run. This late season charge will more than likely be futile, however, as 13 weeks of mediocrity tend to outweigh 3 or 4 weeks of excellence. Peyton Manning (39.01) continued his strong play of late, and was joined in excellence by Steve Smith (26.70), Maurice Jones-Drew (19.50), and Wes Welker (15.45). Jason Witten's performance (7.20) wasn't as strong as the prior week, possibly due to all of the Junior High histrionics that surrounded the Cowboys last week. They had T.O. accusing Witten of getting together with Tony Romo to conspire against throwing the ball to #81. What T.O. didn't do was research just how many times Romo had thrown the ball to each of them. Reality is that, going into Sunday, over 120 passes had been directed T.O.'s way, of which about half had been caught. Contrast that to Witten, who had caught 59 of the 88 balls tossed his way. If I were Romo, I'd conspire to throw more passes to the guy who was actually catching the freaking ball. And, while doing it, T.O., I would also talk about you behind your back, mostly about what a worthless crybaby you're turning into. You've always been a crybaby, you've just recently become worthless. Craving attention, egomaniacal owner Jerry Jones had to get into the news, so he decided to call star running back Marion Barber III a wuss and insinuate that he was afraid to play in pain. Barber took the words to heart and suited up on Sunday, even with a severely sore toe (toes are small, but apparently important to RBs as Darren McFadden has played sporadically all year due to a sore toe). The results were not what Jerry of the Stretched Face wanted to see: 2 yards on 8 carries. Next time you want to criticze a player for not playing, boss, try to avoid going after the guys who can't run without a limp, especially if their job is to run the ball.
Dropping out of the top 3, likely for good this season, are the Gnomies. Much like their adolescent counteparts, they made a major change at QB this week, benching Our Favrer in favor of Seneca Wallace (12.67). Favre didn't exactly light up the joint, but the results from a Sacramento area QB were predictable, particulalry when you consider the debacle that was the J.T. O'Sullivan Experiment. In most weeks, a fake team would be pumped to say that most of their guys scored about as many points as their QB. This wasn't one of those weeks for the Gnomies. Thomas Jones (12.10), Adrian Peterson (11.25), the Baltimore defense (11.00), Greg Jennings (10.10), and Mason Crosby (10.00) all approached the fantasy production of Seneca, which wasn't a good thing. As bad things usually come in threes, we can only wonder if another QB with Sacramento area ties will be thrust into a starting job soon, picked up by a PPFFL team, then dropped shortly after they perform the way most everyone predicted. As there aren't any area QBs close to starting anywhere, we can only hope that the Bills, Bengals, or Browns lose the backups that they are currently starting in Week 16, forcing them to sign Gio Carmazzi away from the Round Table Pizza where he currently works to start under center for them in Week 17. If that were to happen, I would personally pick up Gio and play him at QB in the season's final week.
The Dominator had a rough week, but what can you expect when he's counting on a genius like Clinton Portis (5.15)? Sorry, Clinton, that was a low blow. If there's something you aren't, it's a genius. For anyone who played football at The U to be called that is downright slanderous. You would think that Jim Zorn would be sensitive to something like that. Wait a minute, didn't Coach Zorn call you a genius as a way to insult you? A backhanded compliment, if you will? Well, then, the coach was right, you are a genius, though not as much of a genius as guys like Michael Irvin or Lamar Thomas*. As for the non-geniuses on The Dominator's squad, Jay Cutler (22.89) had a rough day in Charlotte. Santana Moss (18.00) picked up some of the slack for slackers like Jamal Lewis (5.30) and Anquan Boldin (5.70). And, let's not forget Tonay Gonzalez (15.10) who continues to put up huge numbers for a guy who has been in the league for so long and plays for such a lame team. When the Raiders sign him in 5 years, he just might be the guy who pushes them to 6 wins in a season.
*Lamar Thomas is the former University of Miami wide receiver who, as a radio color commentator in 2007, nearly ran down from the booth to the field to join a brawl that the Hurricanes were having with Florida Atlantic. He famously exclaimed "This is what happens when you come into the O.B. (Orange Bowl) and try to mess with The U!" If not for Michael Irvin, he would be the valedictorian for Miami athletics, you know, if any of Miami's athletes ever graduated.
Trying to get into 5th place before the season ends is Team STY. Tony Romo (32.23) led the Cowboys to victory amid all of the gossip and note passing in Big D last week. One of the notes, confiscated by Ed Werder of ESPN, listed a bunch of players, coaches, and other staff associated with the Cowboys and detailed whether Romo and Witten liked them or not. As expected, neither of them likes T.O. They both like DeMarcus Ware and Romo likes Barber, but Witten kind of likes him, but wishes he was tougher (Witten wrote, "I could never see him running down the field without a helmet on"). Witten likes Wade Phillips, but Romo wrote in that space "Who's that?" They both really like Jerry Jones, with Romo noting, "He's the best coach I have ever played for." They even included the cheerleaders, as Romo really likes Amanda, even if "Jessica thinks she's trailer park trash". Witten said he likes Kelly Jo, but is really worried about her kicks.
The Outlaws are still plugging away, posting the second best score of the week. Maybe this will lay a foundation for next season where, hopefully, they aren't out of the race after Week 1. Phillip Rivers (45.52) led a near miraculous comeback in Kansas City (miracles can't happen against teams as crappy as the Chiefs). Antonio Bryant (22.40) continued his quest for a nice contract next season, thereby allowing him to get back to his preferred lifestyle of underachieving on the field while being a knucklehead off of it. You can't be that kind of guy unless you have a big contract and Bryant is doing everything he can to get paid. Michael Turner (20.10) rescued the Falcons on a day when Matt Ryan was off of his game. Turner is having a much bigger impact in Atlanta than his former mentor in San Diego is having.
Notes:
- The Pillow Fight of the Week was, as predicted, Seahawks 23, Rams 20. The biggest positive for those in attendance at the Edward Jones Dome was that the game didn't go overtime.
- Jim Nantz isn't stuck up at all. At least, that's what he'll tell you if you ask him. He'll also tell you that the book he recently wrote is going to change you life; how, even though he's the voice of American football (his words, not mine) most people only ask him about The Masters; and how it was tough for him to adjust to Phil Simms as a broadcast partner, but how, under his tutelage, Simms was able to become one of the best color men in the business. This was all covered on the Peaches and Hamm show last week. What he's saying about the book could be true, as Peaches read the book and immediately fell head over heels in love with Nantz.
- Reggie Theus was canned as coach of the Kings yesterday, leaving the majority of the females in Northern California mad at multi-millionaire doofuses Joe and Gavin Maloof. With the Kings resounding win over Minnesota last night, interim head coach Kenny Natt now has the best winning percentage of any active coach in the NBA. Looks like that interim tag needs to be removed.
- CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett signed huge contracts with the Yankees last week. Many blowhards in the media decided to criticize the Yankees and these two greedy players for spending and accepting so much money in these tough economic times. These media types are way off base in this assertion, as these signings are going to do a world of good for the economy, expecially in the greater New York area. Sabathia's presence will command at least a hundred new hot dog vendors in the Big Apple, while Burnett will bring a wave of new business to the tattoo parlors and piercing shops in the city. Signing those two guys was a boon for job creation in New York.
- Of course, the Red Sox whined about how they couldn't compete with a team willing to shell out so much money....then offered Mark Teixeira $175 million over 8 years.
- The Giants have offered a two year contract to Joe Charbonneau, former AL rookie of the year, who last appeared on a baseball diamond as one of the New York Knights in the movie "The Natural". "He's a former rookie of the year, so his record speaks for itslef," Giants GM Brian Sabean said while announcing the signing. "The fact that he hasn't played in nearly 25 years just means that he has young legs. I look forward to Bruce Bochy plugging him into our outfield and using him at first base when Richie Aurilia needs a break."
- The A's, meanwhile, have extended a contract offer to an unknown 14 year old named Dakota Johnson. Johnson normally wouldn't be eligible to sign as a free agent, but, at the urging of the A's, gave up his U.S. citizenship and became a Mexican national in August. The teenager, according to A's GM Billy Beane, is "a potential star in the middle of the infield. He shows incredible plate discipline, as he averaged seeing 4.59 pitches per plate appearance for his Brainerd, Minnesota PONY league team last season. He should develop some gap power as he gets older and reaches puberty. His glove is a plus right now, and should be plus-plus by the time he starts driving a car. We, as an organization, just felt we couldn't pass up on a talented kid like this, especially when we can control his cost for so long."
- Nothing beats Dick Stockton's level of excitement while describing a successful long field goal, until the spotter points out that the ball landed about 7 yards short of the uprights.
- It's official. Dakota Johnson has signed with the A's. Terms were not disclosed.
- To combat the outrage among female Kings fans, the Maloofs have announced that every Sunday home game for the rest of the season will be "Ladies' Night". Every woman accompanied by a male companion will be granted free admission*. *To gain free admission all females must be accompanied by a male companion who purchases a ticket with a face value of no less than $1,350. Every car carrying a female to the game will be charged $250 to park. Females who enter Arco Arena for free must purchase concessions of either food, drink, or licensed merchandise in the amount of $250, otherwise their admission will be revoked and they will be forced to purchase the most expensive ticket available. This contract is binding and non-reviewable. Any violations will result in one of the following: Compensation in the amount of $10,000 to the Maloof Family; or a 6-month committment to working at the Palms Casino in Las Vegas, NV in whatever capacity is deemed fit (there will be no compensation for this work). Sounds like a nice compromise for firing the most dapper coach in the NBA.
- This just across the wire: The A's have traded Dakota Johnson to the Chicago White Sox for Jermaine Dye and three minor leaguers to be named later. "We really think Jermaine will help us a lot more than some 14-year old kid whose best talent is making snow angels," said Oakland GM Billy Beane.
Well, that's it for another week. Get those lineups in for the season's penultimate week and...do great things, gentlemen.
The Commish
posted by Patrick Zalasky at 8:49 AM
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