Tuesday Review #11
This league is nothing, if not a place for one team to threaten to run away from everyone else. First, it was The Dominator who was in position to make a mockery of the league and render all competition moot before the turkeys even went into the oven (up until the fateful week where he played his JV team). Now, the Cyhawks are running away like Bo Jackson in the Kingdome. They are about halfway through the tunnel while some of us are still on the 20, some are around the 35, and The Dragons are in the opposite tunnel wondering who turned out the lights in the stadium.
Standings (Week 11):
Cyhawks 1,331.89 (164.90)
The Dominator 1,204.61 (85.68)
The Spongebobs 1,082.27 (96.20)
Plan Z 1,072.01 (70.83)
The Dragons 995.40 (55.86)
This week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award" goes to The Dragons for not playing Tony Romo (17.67). As we all witnessed, Dunnavunn McNabb (2.06), once in the hunt for PPFFL MVP, blew out his knee and will be out for the rest of the season. Romo didn't exactly light the place on fire against Indianapolis, but he did much better than the guy who had his season end in the 2nd quarter. That's not the main reason The Dragons are being honored, though. They are getting this award because last week was the last time you could optimistically expect Romo to have a great game. The reason? News broke yesterday that he is dating Jessica Simpson. History tells us that nothing kills the positive mojo of an athlete quicker than hooking up with a skanky celebrity who is out for some headlines. It's has to be even worse if she is coming off of a high profile divorce and watching her ex shack up with a hottie that's on TV every night. Look at this partial list of "stars" who have fallen under this spell and lived to regret it: Jason Kidd and Jimmy Jackson with Toni Braxton (that Black Widow took down TWO guys at the same time - Kidd got traded and Jackson was never the same player again); Andre Agassi with Brooke Shields and Barbara Streisand (he did it not once, but TWICE, and was slumming in the tennis bushes until he dumped the celebrities and settled on Steffi Graf, who isn't exactly begging the cameras to focus on her); Half of the NHL with Anna Kournakova (she was the most responsible for the 2004 season being lost); and, the most famous of all, Roy Hobbs with Memo Paris (think what Roy's stats would have been like if he never got together with Pop Fischer's niece...he would have been a legitimate case for induction into the Hall of Fame based solely on one season...if, you know, "The Natural" was real and not made up).
So, for the sake of The Dragons, let's all do our best to get Romo to run, not walk, away from Ms. Simpson. On the bright side, if he's going to drive his career into a brick wall at 129 mph, at least he's not doing it for Ashley Simpson, who has had more work done on her than an 18th century Victorian. Waking up next to that when some of the plaster has come loose, after you chucked your NFL career for it, cannot give you a good feeling.
First in line again for the team summaries are the Cyhawks. With the way LaDainian Tomlinson (38.95) and Ocho Cinco (36.65) are playing, it looks like they will be first for at least a few more weeks. It looks as though Marty Shottenheimer placed a bet at the beginning of the season that LDT's TD total would be over 20 for the season. You have to give him credit for giving the ball to his best player near the goal line instead of being like other guys who try to spread the ball around and trick the defense. Instead of TDs, those guys are usually watching 20-yard FGs sail through the uprights. Carson Palmer (31.45) had another solid, if not spectacular day, while the Jaguars defense (11.00) flustered the easily flusterable Eli Manning and Josh Scobee-Dobee-Do (15.00) had a quartet of FGs against the Giants on Monday night. Even "The Baddest Man in the NFL", Steve Smith (14.55) had a long TD reception in an otherwise ugly game against the Rams. Folks, this train is currently running full-throttle down a hill with no inclines in sight.
The Domionator had another subpar week, even though he decided to go back to his Varsity. He somehow finished with the 3rd best point total for the week, which says more about Plan Z and The Dragons than it does about the Popster. Peyton Manning (21.98) was obviously off of his game in Dallas, and failed to get up near the magical 50-point mark for the second week in a row. Willie Parker (19.15) stuck the ball in the end zone twice, but didn't do much else. His partner in the backfield, formerly The Thriller, now The Snoozer, Steven Jackson (9.85) was caught up in that mess of a game in Charlotte. Darrell Jackson's (13.85) day, which included a nice TD catch, but nothing else spectacular, can be partially explained by pointing out that the Niners are now playing defense with all 11 players and have been doing so for three weeks. You have to give it to Mike Nolan who, much like Norman Dale, stuck to his guns and was willing to endure some pain in order to make sure the team was better off in the long run. Losing 41-10 while only playing 9 defenders hurts at the time, but bouncing back to do what the Niners have done the past few weeks makes the pain go away quickly.
Up from the depths of despair to 3rd place we have Team Lazarus, The Spongebobs. Not only have they risen from last place, they have also put some serious distance between themselves and the cellar. This week, they didn't do much more than ride the arm of Drew Brees (48.70). Sean Payton is doing a phenomenal job of panicking in games where the Saints fall behind early and ordering the offense to throw the ball on almost every down, while ignoring the running game. That may not work well on the field or in the standings, where the Saints are falling faster than a recently divorced celebrity for an athlete, but it looks great to one who was unfairly passed over as manager of the Krusty Krab 2. Frank Gore's (16.90) team record rushing performance was nice, as was the Bears (16.00) defensive showing in their second win in as many weeks at the Meadowlands. Outside of that, though, this was a bad week for The Spongebobs. Marques Coston (0.00) was hurt early, and Donald Driver (4.10), Maurice Morris (1.25), and Jason Witten (4.25) were all just bad. Speaking of bad, let's talk about...
...Plan Z. Does anyone remember when these guys were one solid Rex Grossman performance from taking over 1st place? That was 5 short weeks ago and Plan Z's performance has mirrored that of Grossman ever since. Gluttons for punishment, they went back to Rex (13.83) this week (at Jack's urging) and watched as he racked up the mind-blowing total of 5 passing yards in the first half against the Jets. Goodness, gracious! Brees had ten times that many yards before the National Anthem was completed in the Superdome! Marvin Harrison (8.70) continued his quest to be accepted into a retirement community by week 14. Tiki Barber (3.00) was not only held out of the end zone (as usual), he was also held about 100 yards below his season rushing average. For this team, only Larry Johnson (22.70) put up good numbers, but, let's face it, he looks horrible doing it. Slamming into the line 4 times in a row for 1 or 2 yards, then breaking one for 10 yards isn't exactly easy on the eyes. Things aren't good in Elk Grove, although Tom Brady left a nice voicemail on Sunday night giving thanks for being waived and allowed to perform at his peak performance again. He also asked if we would keep Grossman in the lineup next week, as the Patriots will be visiting Chicago.
That brings us to The Dragons, who aren't exactly breathing fire. For the second week in a row, their whole team came dangerously close to being outscored by a single player from another team. The steady McNabb got hurt early, which spelled doom. Only Laurence Maroney (15.80) and Thomas Jones (11.10) were able to break into double figures. Anquan Boldin (9.35), Matt Leinart's favorite target when not playing well, was suddenly ignored when Leinart decided to have a good game. T.J. Houshmanzadeh (2.75) is being overshadowed by Ocho Cinco in Cincinnati. Even the normally solid Pfc. Kellen Winslow, Jr. (5.80) was rendered ineffective by the Steelers. This team is in for a serious gut check the next couple of weeks. Their franchise player is out for the year and their backup is in the process of flushing his career down the toilet for the chance to hook up with Jessica Simpson. This may be a case of looking to WWGSD? What would George Steinbrenner do? Big Stein would probably sit down, have a calzone, yell at a few minions, then try to acquire every player possible. If that failed, he would have to fire the manager, in this case Jesse. Don't worry, because Jesse can always be brought back in a couple of weeks if things haven't improved.
Notes:
This league is nothing, if not a place for one team to threaten to run away from everyone else. First, it was The Dominator who was in position to make a mockery of the league and render all competition moot before the turkeys even went into the oven (up until the fateful week where he played his JV team). Now, the Cyhawks are running away like Bo Jackson in the Kingdome. They are about halfway through the tunnel while some of us are still on the 20, some are around the 35, and The Dragons are in the opposite tunnel wondering who turned out the lights in the stadium.
Standings (Week 11):
Cyhawks 1,331.89 (164.90)
The Dominator 1,204.61 (85.68)
The Spongebobs 1,082.27 (96.20)
Plan Z 1,072.01 (70.83)
The Dragons 995.40 (55.86)
This week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award" goes to The Dragons for not playing Tony Romo (17.67). As we all witnessed, Dunnavunn McNabb (2.06), once in the hunt for PPFFL MVP, blew out his knee and will be out for the rest of the season. Romo didn't exactly light the place on fire against Indianapolis, but he did much better than the guy who had his season end in the 2nd quarter. That's not the main reason The Dragons are being honored, though. They are getting this award because last week was the last time you could optimistically expect Romo to have a great game. The reason? News broke yesterday that he is dating Jessica Simpson. History tells us that nothing kills the positive mojo of an athlete quicker than hooking up with a skanky celebrity who is out for some headlines. It's has to be even worse if she is coming off of a high profile divorce and watching her ex shack up with a hottie that's on TV every night. Look at this partial list of "stars" who have fallen under this spell and lived to regret it: Jason Kidd and Jimmy Jackson with Toni Braxton (that Black Widow took down TWO guys at the same time - Kidd got traded and Jackson was never the same player again); Andre Agassi with Brooke Shields and Barbara Streisand (he did it not once, but TWICE, and was slumming in the tennis bushes until he dumped the celebrities and settled on Steffi Graf, who isn't exactly begging the cameras to focus on her); Half of the NHL with Anna Kournakova (she was the most responsible for the 2004 season being lost); and, the most famous of all, Roy Hobbs with Memo Paris (think what Roy's stats would have been like if he never got together with Pop Fischer's niece...he would have been a legitimate case for induction into the Hall of Fame based solely on one season...if, you know, "The Natural" was real and not made up).
So, for the sake of The Dragons, let's all do our best to get Romo to run, not walk, away from Ms. Simpson. On the bright side, if he's going to drive his career into a brick wall at 129 mph, at least he's not doing it for Ashley Simpson, who has had more work done on her than an 18th century Victorian. Waking up next to that when some of the plaster has come loose, after you chucked your NFL career for it, cannot give you a good feeling.
First in line again for the team summaries are the Cyhawks. With the way LaDainian Tomlinson (38.95) and Ocho Cinco (36.65) are playing, it looks like they will be first for at least a few more weeks. It looks as though Marty Shottenheimer placed a bet at the beginning of the season that LDT's TD total would be over 20 for the season. You have to give him credit for giving the ball to his best player near the goal line instead of being like other guys who try to spread the ball around and trick the defense. Instead of TDs, those guys are usually watching 20-yard FGs sail through the uprights. Carson Palmer (31.45) had another solid, if not spectacular day, while the Jaguars defense (11.00) flustered the easily flusterable Eli Manning and Josh Scobee-Dobee-Do (15.00) had a quartet of FGs against the Giants on Monday night. Even "The Baddest Man in the NFL", Steve Smith (14.55) had a long TD reception in an otherwise ugly game against the Rams. Folks, this train is currently running full-throttle down a hill with no inclines in sight.
The Domionator had another subpar week, even though he decided to go back to his Varsity. He somehow finished with the 3rd best point total for the week, which says more about Plan Z and The Dragons than it does about the Popster. Peyton Manning (21.98) was obviously off of his game in Dallas, and failed to get up near the magical 50-point mark for the second week in a row. Willie Parker (19.15) stuck the ball in the end zone twice, but didn't do much else. His partner in the backfield, formerly The Thriller, now The Snoozer, Steven Jackson (9.85) was caught up in that mess of a game in Charlotte. Darrell Jackson's (13.85) day, which included a nice TD catch, but nothing else spectacular, can be partially explained by pointing out that the Niners are now playing defense with all 11 players and have been doing so for three weeks. You have to give it to Mike Nolan who, much like Norman Dale, stuck to his guns and was willing to endure some pain in order to make sure the team was better off in the long run. Losing 41-10 while only playing 9 defenders hurts at the time, but bouncing back to do what the Niners have done the past few weeks makes the pain go away quickly.
Up from the depths of despair to 3rd place we have Team Lazarus, The Spongebobs. Not only have they risen from last place, they have also put some serious distance between themselves and the cellar. This week, they didn't do much more than ride the arm of Drew Brees (48.70). Sean Payton is doing a phenomenal job of panicking in games where the Saints fall behind early and ordering the offense to throw the ball on almost every down, while ignoring the running game. That may not work well on the field or in the standings, where the Saints are falling faster than a recently divorced celebrity for an athlete, but it looks great to one who was unfairly passed over as manager of the Krusty Krab 2. Frank Gore's (16.90) team record rushing performance was nice, as was the Bears (16.00) defensive showing in their second win in as many weeks at the Meadowlands. Outside of that, though, this was a bad week for The Spongebobs. Marques Coston (0.00) was hurt early, and Donald Driver (4.10), Maurice Morris (1.25), and Jason Witten (4.25) were all just bad. Speaking of bad, let's talk about...
...Plan Z. Does anyone remember when these guys were one solid Rex Grossman performance from taking over 1st place? That was 5 short weeks ago and Plan Z's performance has mirrored that of Grossman ever since. Gluttons for punishment, they went back to Rex (13.83) this week (at Jack's urging) and watched as he racked up the mind-blowing total of 5 passing yards in the first half against the Jets. Goodness, gracious! Brees had ten times that many yards before the National Anthem was completed in the Superdome! Marvin Harrison (8.70) continued his quest to be accepted into a retirement community by week 14. Tiki Barber (3.00) was not only held out of the end zone (as usual), he was also held about 100 yards below his season rushing average. For this team, only Larry Johnson (22.70) put up good numbers, but, let's face it, he looks horrible doing it. Slamming into the line 4 times in a row for 1 or 2 yards, then breaking one for 10 yards isn't exactly easy on the eyes. Things aren't good in Elk Grove, although Tom Brady left a nice voicemail on Sunday night giving thanks for being waived and allowed to perform at his peak performance again. He also asked if we would keep Grossman in the lineup next week, as the Patriots will be visiting Chicago.
That brings us to The Dragons, who aren't exactly breathing fire. For the second week in a row, their whole team came dangerously close to being outscored by a single player from another team. The steady McNabb got hurt early, which spelled doom. Only Laurence Maroney (15.80) and Thomas Jones (11.10) were able to break into double figures. Anquan Boldin (9.35), Matt Leinart's favorite target when not playing well, was suddenly ignored when Leinart decided to have a good game. T.J. Houshmanzadeh (2.75) is being overshadowed by Ocho Cinco in Cincinnati. Even the normally solid Pfc. Kellen Winslow, Jr. (5.80) was rendered ineffective by the Steelers. This team is in for a serious gut check the next couple of weeks. Their franchise player is out for the year and their backup is in the process of flushing his career down the toilet for the chance to hook up with Jessica Simpson. This may be a case of looking to WWGSD? What would George Steinbrenner do? Big Stein would probably sit down, have a calzone, yell at a few minions, then try to acquire every player possible. If that failed, he would have to fire the manager, in this case Jesse. Don't worry, because Jesse can always be brought back in a couple of weeks if things haven't improved.
Notes:
- Order of transactions goes: The Dragons, Plan Z, The Spongebobs, The Dominator, and the Cyhawks.
- The Seahawks got Matt Vasgersian two weeks in a row. Roger Goodell doesn't take any crap from teams that whine about the officials, does he? If Holmgren says anything else, he'll find Steve Buzzard waiting to interview him on Thursday.
- In closing (and don't lump me in with Phil Simms and his manlove), a joke that is used over and over, but never gets old....Nothing is better than tuning into the NFL on Sunday morning and finding out that you just got two tickets to the gun show, because Ed Hoculi is the game's referee.
Gobble, gobble, gobble.....
The Commish
posted by Patrick Zalasky at 9:10 AM
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