Tuesday Review #12
Thanksgiving week brought us the return of Bryant Gumbel to the NFL and a huge performance from a guy who is doomed to crash like the Hindenburg at some point in the future. The 5 touchdown game against Tampa Bay is just going to make Cowboys fans hurt more when Tony Romo's career goes careening off a cliff like a car driven by Toonces the Cat. Jessica Simpson couldn't affect events on Thanksgiving, but she will have Romo looking like Eli Manning at some point in the future.
This week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award" is a repeat from last week. Tony Romo (57.42) looked like the collegiate David Klingler on Thanksgiving Day. The Dragons, presumably on the advice of Tuesday Review #11, played Phillip Rivers (6.11) instead. The result was a 51.31 point difference, which represents the largest in the history of PPFFL. To put it in perspective, had Romo been under center for The Dragons, they would have topped the Cyhawks for the highest point total for the week. Yours truly really feels bad if The Dragons went off of last week's observance that Romo's career was about to go up in flames. Just remember that Terry Bradshaw was near the tail end of a Hall of Fame career when he was linked to Ice Capades star Jojo Starbuck. Next thing you know, he was throwing wounded ducks and pulling Jim Haslett's cleats out of his bald dome.
Official standings (Week 12):
Cyhawks 1,467.67 (135.78)
The Dominator 1,278.42 (74.81)
The Spongebobs 1,206.05 (123.78)
Plan Z 1,167.79 (95.78)
The Dragons 1,080.61 (85.21)
No change in the standings, so the Cyhawks are up first again, and probably will be for the rest of the season (hex, hex, Noonan, Noonan). It's been a broken record for the last few weeks as the Bengals and formerly conservative Chargers have been lighting up the scoreboard. Carson Palmer (43.10), Ocho Cinco (16.45) and Rudi Johnson (10.20) did their thing in the Battle for Ohio, that turned into the Laugher Next to Lake Erie. The Chargers, who were challenged by the Raider defense, weren't held back by the usual ultra-conservative tactics of Marty Schottenheimer. No, this is the new Marty, the one who calls halfback passes with the game on the line in the 4th quarter. That led to LaDainian Tomlinson (29.08) running for two scores and throwing a TD pass to Antonio Gates (16.05). Hey, Tom Coughlin, you might want to take a page from Marty's new playbook and let Tiki Barber throw the ball more. Like, say, when you have a 21 point lead in the 4th quarter against the moribund Titans. Tiki might not have the arm of Eli, but he sure as heck won't be throwing it right to Pacman Jones twice. You actually owe it to Tiki since you keep screwing him out of scoring touchdowns.
Next up is The Dominator, who is definitely limping right now. Things have been stuck in neutral ever since he did "you know what". The football gods really don't take well to excessive hubris. This week, only Steven Jackson (27.60) performed above expectations. Peyton Manning (18.56) was lukewarm, at best (but still was the best Manning on Sunday). The once mighty Steelers are pathetic (mostly due to their QB's past relationship with Natalie Gulbis - trust me), as evidenced by the numbers put up by Hines Ward (5.65) and Willie Parker (3.85). Darrell Jackson (9.00) made the most of the 2 passes he caught last night, while Alge Crumpler (3.15) and his case of the dropsies were likely what forced Ron Mexico to fly the double bird on his way out of the Georgia Dome on Sunday. Throw in the Tampa Bay defense (-3.00) and their torching at the hands of Romo, and you have a bad week. On the bright side, if The Dominator keeps the Tampa D for next season and they play Dallas, with Romo under center, they will absolutely produce an 8 sack, 5 interception, shutout.
The hottest team in the league, outside of the one at the top, is The Spongebobs. Ever since the acquisition of Drew Brees (38.48), this team has been a lock for 100 points a week. The story was the same this week as Brian Westbrook (24.50) got his groove back and Frank Gore (21.25) kept pounding away at opposing defenses. Roy Williams (15.30) and Randy McMichael (10.25) even came out of nowhere to throw up double figures. The momentum of the Spongebobs, coupled with the lethargy of The Dominator, sets up a nice little storyline for the next few weeks. Can a team that was buried a month ago climb all the way up to 2nd place? It was once unthinkable to suggest that these two teams would be this close at this point in the season. All it took was some hubris, the acquisition of Brees, and the emergence of Frank Gore to bring this to be.
There is one reason why Plan Z languishes in 4th place for yet another week, bad QB play. Consider that, through 12 weeks, every other team in the league has had at least one 50 point week from the QB position, and multiple 40 point weeks. Plan Z, on the other hand, has had one 40 point week and no other weeks that topped 30. The 40 point week was turned in by Rex Grossman, who more than made up for that by posting the infamous negative game against the Cardinals. Ron Mexico (14.48) was the team's crappy QB this week, and summed up the feelings of his owners when he double barrelled the Atlanta crowd. In what looked, on paper, to be a great week for Plan Z's running backs (nearly 400 yards rushing), was just a pretty good week as Larry Johnson (18.15) and Shaun Alexander (13.05) combined to score 1 TD. Torry Holt (5.50) was disguised as Marvin Harrison this week and Tony Gonzalez (5.75) didn't do much coming off of his injury. On the bright side, the Patriot defense (15.00) took great advantage of the opportunity to line up across from Rex Grossman. Thanks, Rex, you owed us one.
The Dragons had a very nice week, if you ignore the fact that Romo put Rivers (6.11) to shame and Kevin Jones was a scratch on Thanksgiving. Andre Johnson (20.90), T.J. Houshmanzadeh (16.95), and Laurence Maroney (16.65) all looked good, while Rian Lindell (10.00) booted the game winner for the Bills. Had Eli not been point shaving against Tennessee, the Giants defense (6.00) would have also cracked double figures. Time is running short for these guys to make a move, although, as the Spongebobs have proven, anything can happen over a four week period. The loss of this team's heart and soul, Dunnavunn McNabb, was a huge blow that they may never recover from. Sources have reported that McNabb was spotted lounging on a Jamaican beach with his leg in a splint and a mai tai in his hand, surrounded by bikini-clad babes. On the bright side, he wasn't doing sit-ups in his driveway while bad mouthing Andy Reid and Donte Stallworth.
Notes:
Thanksgiving week brought us the return of Bryant Gumbel to the NFL and a huge performance from a guy who is doomed to crash like the Hindenburg at some point in the future. The 5 touchdown game against Tampa Bay is just going to make Cowboys fans hurt more when Tony Romo's career goes careening off a cliff like a car driven by Toonces the Cat. Jessica Simpson couldn't affect events on Thanksgiving, but she will have Romo looking like Eli Manning at some point in the future.
This week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award" is a repeat from last week. Tony Romo (57.42) looked like the collegiate David Klingler on Thanksgiving Day. The Dragons, presumably on the advice of Tuesday Review #11, played Phillip Rivers (6.11) instead. The result was a 51.31 point difference, which represents the largest in the history of PPFFL. To put it in perspective, had Romo been under center for The Dragons, they would have topped the Cyhawks for the highest point total for the week. Yours truly really feels bad if The Dragons went off of last week's observance that Romo's career was about to go up in flames. Just remember that Terry Bradshaw was near the tail end of a Hall of Fame career when he was linked to Ice Capades star Jojo Starbuck. Next thing you know, he was throwing wounded ducks and pulling Jim Haslett's cleats out of his bald dome.
Official standings (Week 12):
Cyhawks 1,467.67 (135.78)
The Dominator 1,278.42 (74.81)
The Spongebobs 1,206.05 (123.78)
Plan Z 1,167.79 (95.78)
The Dragons 1,080.61 (85.21)
No change in the standings, so the Cyhawks are up first again, and probably will be for the rest of the season (hex, hex, Noonan, Noonan). It's been a broken record for the last few weeks as the Bengals and formerly conservative Chargers have been lighting up the scoreboard. Carson Palmer (43.10), Ocho Cinco (16.45) and Rudi Johnson (10.20) did their thing in the Battle for Ohio, that turned into the Laugher Next to Lake Erie. The Chargers, who were challenged by the Raider defense, weren't held back by the usual ultra-conservative tactics of Marty Schottenheimer. No, this is the new Marty, the one who calls halfback passes with the game on the line in the 4th quarter. That led to LaDainian Tomlinson (29.08) running for two scores and throwing a TD pass to Antonio Gates (16.05). Hey, Tom Coughlin, you might want to take a page from Marty's new playbook and let Tiki Barber throw the ball more. Like, say, when you have a 21 point lead in the 4th quarter against the moribund Titans. Tiki might not have the arm of Eli, but he sure as heck won't be throwing it right to Pacman Jones twice. You actually owe it to Tiki since you keep screwing him out of scoring touchdowns.
Next up is The Dominator, who is definitely limping right now. Things have been stuck in neutral ever since he did "you know what". The football gods really don't take well to excessive hubris. This week, only Steven Jackson (27.60) performed above expectations. Peyton Manning (18.56) was lukewarm, at best (but still was the best Manning on Sunday). The once mighty Steelers are pathetic (mostly due to their QB's past relationship with Natalie Gulbis - trust me), as evidenced by the numbers put up by Hines Ward (5.65) and Willie Parker (3.85). Darrell Jackson (9.00) made the most of the 2 passes he caught last night, while Alge Crumpler (3.15) and his case of the dropsies were likely what forced Ron Mexico to fly the double bird on his way out of the Georgia Dome on Sunday. Throw in the Tampa Bay defense (-3.00) and their torching at the hands of Romo, and you have a bad week. On the bright side, if The Dominator keeps the Tampa D for next season and they play Dallas, with Romo under center, they will absolutely produce an 8 sack, 5 interception, shutout.
The hottest team in the league, outside of the one at the top, is The Spongebobs. Ever since the acquisition of Drew Brees (38.48), this team has been a lock for 100 points a week. The story was the same this week as Brian Westbrook (24.50) got his groove back and Frank Gore (21.25) kept pounding away at opposing defenses. Roy Williams (15.30) and Randy McMichael (10.25) even came out of nowhere to throw up double figures. The momentum of the Spongebobs, coupled with the lethargy of The Dominator, sets up a nice little storyline for the next few weeks. Can a team that was buried a month ago climb all the way up to 2nd place? It was once unthinkable to suggest that these two teams would be this close at this point in the season. All it took was some hubris, the acquisition of Brees, and the emergence of Frank Gore to bring this to be.
There is one reason why Plan Z languishes in 4th place for yet another week, bad QB play. Consider that, through 12 weeks, every other team in the league has had at least one 50 point week from the QB position, and multiple 40 point weeks. Plan Z, on the other hand, has had one 40 point week and no other weeks that topped 30. The 40 point week was turned in by Rex Grossman, who more than made up for that by posting the infamous negative game against the Cardinals. Ron Mexico (14.48) was the team's crappy QB this week, and summed up the feelings of his owners when he double barrelled the Atlanta crowd. In what looked, on paper, to be a great week for Plan Z's running backs (nearly 400 yards rushing), was just a pretty good week as Larry Johnson (18.15) and Shaun Alexander (13.05) combined to score 1 TD. Torry Holt (5.50) was disguised as Marvin Harrison this week and Tony Gonzalez (5.75) didn't do much coming off of his injury. On the bright side, the Patriot defense (15.00) took great advantage of the opportunity to line up across from Rex Grossman. Thanks, Rex, you owed us one.
The Dragons had a very nice week, if you ignore the fact that Romo put Rivers (6.11) to shame and Kevin Jones was a scratch on Thanksgiving. Andre Johnson (20.90), T.J. Houshmanzadeh (16.95), and Laurence Maroney (16.65) all looked good, while Rian Lindell (10.00) booted the game winner for the Bills. Had Eli not been point shaving against Tennessee, the Giants defense (6.00) would have also cracked double figures. Time is running short for these guys to make a move, although, as the Spongebobs have proven, anything can happen over a four week period. The loss of this team's heart and soul, Dunnavunn McNabb, was a huge blow that they may never recover from. Sources have reported that McNabb was spotted lounging on a Jamaican beach with his leg in a splint and a mai tai in his hand, surrounded by bikini-clad babes. On the bright side, he wasn't doing sit-ups in his driveway while bad mouthing Andy Reid and Donte Stallworth.
Notes:
- This is another short week, so get your changes and lineups in by Wednesday. The order for transactions is the same as last week.
- It's been mentioned here before, but it bears repeating: The "Jacked Up" segment on ESPN is the dumbest thing of all time. The irony of it is that Michael Irvin gets so fired up for it. Must be because it caters to his intellectual capacity. Just for fun, the producers should occasionally mix in the clips of Irvin being knocked unconscious on the Veterans Stadium turf, and of Aeneas Williams ending Steve Young's career. Now, both of those guys got JACKED UP!!!
The Commish
posted by Patrick Zalasky at 8:33 AM
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