Tuesday Review v4.12
An exciting holiday week in the NFL brought us some excitement in our fake league as the Cyclones made a push back toward the top spot held for a couple of weeks now by The Big Ragu. Although there was no change in the standings, there was some drama, as The Dragons made a huge move to get out of last place. Where they were once at Plutonian depths behind everyone else, they have now closed to within striking distance of the Gnomies and seventh place.
Official Standings (Week 12):
The Big Ragu 1,490.62 (96.59)
Cyclones 1,468.49 (119.08)
The Maestro 1,377.98 (111.41)
Team STY 1,300.53 (112.92)
The Outlaws 1,275.52 (109.94)
The Dominator 1,226.20 (99.99)
Gnomies 1,128.90 (62.65)
The Dragons 1,061.40 (115.04)
The week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award goes to the Gnomies, who had, by far, the worst week. Scanning their roster, they really didn't have anyone on the bench who would have contributed much more than the scrubs that they played did. For that reason, they get the award for not trading for or picking up other players who are better than the weak ones they currently call their own. Congratulations, guys!
Our leader saw his cushion become a little thinner. Instead of lounging on a comfy couch, The Big Ragu is now sitting on a thin stadium pad atop an aluminum bench. Mega-hunky, superstar QB Tom Brady (14.34) was pantsed on Monday Night Football by the Saints, partially due to, as Jaws commented during the second half, "Randy Moss has completely given up on this game. He obviously doesn't feel like playing hard." Meter maids in the Boston metro area beware! Randy starts looking for human hood ornaments when he gets depressed. Fortunately, this fake team has the feature receiver for the team doing the pantsing on MNF, so Marques Colston (19.05) picked up some of the slack Randy was trying to wrap around Brady's neck.
The Cyclones showed some holiday spunk, behind Peyton Manning (41.78) and Chris Johnson (21.30). Manning is saving his heroics for the second half, after the Colts fall behind. It's like they've decided to challenge themselves a little bit and see how far they can fall behind before roaring back to win. They're probably a little embarrassed after seeing how the Pats got trounced in New Orleans. A 17-point comeback in the 4th quarter isn't as impressive as totally romping over the team followed by the most front-runners....at least not in the opinion of this office. Cheers go out to Matt Prater (15.00), who had a big game for a kicker and singlehandedly took some heat off of the Broncos. Or, did the weak, disinterested Giants, led by Eli and rooted for most feverishly by Peaches, take the heat off of Denver?
Hanging around, hoping for a miracle week to boost him toward contention for the league lead, is The Maestro. If only all of his players could face the Lions on Thansgiving Day! Aaron Rodgers (48.70) torched the tabbys on one of America's (and, the United States, too) most cherished holidays, joining a long list of players who have racked up big numbers in Detroit on the 4th Thursday in November. Frank Gore (15.33) isn't racking up big rushing numbers now that Jimmy Raye has gone to the spread, but he's getting the ball through the air near the end zone. And, Roddy White (13.85) was really missing Matt Ryan, until the last desperate drive for the Falcons, when Chris Redman suddenly figured out how to throw the ball where the team's best receiver could get his hands on it.
Bouncing back from a gory Week 11 was Team STY. Drew Brees (55.87) played a perfect game (according to QB rating) on Monday night. He was most supported on this fake team by (SURPRISE!) the Green Bay defense (22.00) that got to feast on one-armed Matt Stafford and the Lions. Greatly chagrined was Detroit backup QB Daunte Culpepper, who felt that he should have played. Seriously, does anyone think the result would have been different had Daunte played? Realistically, he might have only thrown three interceptions instead of four. But, there would have been a better chance of the Packers scoring on more than one of them, because his ice cream guzzling butt wouldn't be chasing anyone down. Had Daunte not had the two career years in Minnesota with Randy Moss and Chris Carter, people would be calling JaMarcus Russell the second coming of Daunte Culpepper....and meaning it as an insult.
Stuck in the middle for yet another week are The Outlaws. We've reached the point in the season where teams in this part of the standings, this far out of first place, are like asteroids circling in the void between Mars and Jupiter. We know they are there, but they don't make us think about them unless something way out of the ordinary happens. Fittingly, Alex Smith (37.04) took snaps for them in Week 12. For the teams at the top to get bonked by an asteroid or two, this team needs the rest of the squad to play like Antonio Gates (27.90) did against Kansas City. You know, speaking of asteroids, this might be a good time for one to slam right into the center of Missouri. A few innocent people might perish, but they'll probably be glad they won't have to watch the state's NFL teams play anymore.
Missing the 100 point threshhold for the week by the tiniest of margins was The Dominator. Phillip Rivers (39.04) got a Missouri special, meaning he got to run up nice numbers in the 1st half before having to hand off for the rest of the game. The rest of the team was okay, but not great, with the exception of David Akers (14.00) who had a great week for a kicker. These guys need to put together a big week soon, otherwise it will be another second division finish. Man, who knew how angry the fake football gods would get when these guys trotted out their JV team in a show of vanity during Week 10 of season 1? They need to offer some sort of sacrifice to the fake football gods soon. Too bad the advice of Andy Rooney wasn't taken, because lopping the head off of a turkey might have been enough appeasement to get this team back on track.
Barely treading water are the Gnomies. This team has struggled big time lately, as guys like Adrian Peterson (11.15) fail to live up to expectations. It didn't help that Matt Ryan (1.80) got knocked silly early in his game. What's funny about this team is that one of it's chief decision makers, Alex, is crushing the competition in another league. I wonder how Jesse feels about this. Maybe, Alex isn't spending enough time with this team. Or, maybe the competition in the PPFFL is just miles beyond what can be found in some other league. I subscribe to the latter. I mean, it's not like we ever let good, quality players fall too far in the draft or not get drafted.
Looking to rise from the abyss are The Dragons. This team is making a major late season push behind America, or as we mere mortals like to call him, Brett Favre (52.84). How fitting that, on the weekend of one of our country's most cherished holidays, the man we equate to the excellence of our nation had such a great game. Brett Favre is America and Brett Favre is all of us. The fact that he has the Vikings sailing along at 10-1 is amazing in itself. Throw in the fact (no pun intended) that he's only chucked up three picks so far this season, and you have a real story. What happened to the reckless guy who liked to throw the ball up for grabs while "trying to make a play"? Maybe those running our country can take Favre's lead and rejuvenate this great nation of ours. Or, at least make sure that we Americans get to play most of our tough games indoors on a plush carpet.
Notes:
An exciting holiday week in the NFL brought us some excitement in our fake league as the Cyclones made a push back toward the top spot held for a couple of weeks now by The Big Ragu. Although there was no change in the standings, there was some drama, as The Dragons made a huge move to get out of last place. Where they were once at Plutonian depths behind everyone else, they have now closed to within striking distance of the Gnomies and seventh place.
Official Standings (Week 12):
The Big Ragu 1,490.62 (96.59)
Cyclones 1,468.49 (119.08)
The Maestro 1,377.98 (111.41)
Team STY 1,300.53 (112.92)
The Outlaws 1,275.52 (109.94)
The Dominator 1,226.20 (99.99)
Gnomies 1,128.90 (62.65)
The Dragons 1,061.40 (115.04)
The week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award goes to the Gnomies, who had, by far, the worst week. Scanning their roster, they really didn't have anyone on the bench who would have contributed much more than the scrubs that they played did. For that reason, they get the award for not trading for or picking up other players who are better than the weak ones they currently call their own. Congratulations, guys!
Our leader saw his cushion become a little thinner. Instead of lounging on a comfy couch, The Big Ragu is now sitting on a thin stadium pad atop an aluminum bench. Mega-hunky, superstar QB Tom Brady (14.34) was pantsed on Monday Night Football by the Saints, partially due to, as Jaws commented during the second half, "Randy Moss has completely given up on this game. He obviously doesn't feel like playing hard." Meter maids in the Boston metro area beware! Randy starts looking for human hood ornaments when he gets depressed. Fortunately, this fake team has the feature receiver for the team doing the pantsing on MNF, so Marques Colston (19.05) picked up some of the slack Randy was trying to wrap around Brady's neck.
The Cyclones showed some holiday spunk, behind Peyton Manning (41.78) and Chris Johnson (21.30). Manning is saving his heroics for the second half, after the Colts fall behind. It's like they've decided to challenge themselves a little bit and see how far they can fall behind before roaring back to win. They're probably a little embarrassed after seeing how the Pats got trounced in New Orleans. A 17-point comeback in the 4th quarter isn't as impressive as totally romping over the team followed by the most front-runners....at least not in the opinion of this office. Cheers go out to Matt Prater (15.00), who had a big game for a kicker and singlehandedly took some heat off of the Broncos. Or, did the weak, disinterested Giants, led by Eli and rooted for most feverishly by Peaches, take the heat off of Denver?
Hanging around, hoping for a miracle week to boost him toward contention for the league lead, is The Maestro. If only all of his players could face the Lions on Thansgiving Day! Aaron Rodgers (48.70) torched the tabbys on one of America's (and, the United States, too) most cherished holidays, joining a long list of players who have racked up big numbers in Detroit on the 4th Thursday in November. Frank Gore (15.33) isn't racking up big rushing numbers now that Jimmy Raye has gone to the spread, but he's getting the ball through the air near the end zone. And, Roddy White (13.85) was really missing Matt Ryan, until the last desperate drive for the Falcons, when Chris Redman suddenly figured out how to throw the ball where the team's best receiver could get his hands on it.
Bouncing back from a gory Week 11 was Team STY. Drew Brees (55.87) played a perfect game (according to QB rating) on Monday night. He was most supported on this fake team by (SURPRISE!) the Green Bay defense (22.00) that got to feast on one-armed Matt Stafford and the Lions. Greatly chagrined was Detroit backup QB Daunte Culpepper, who felt that he should have played. Seriously, does anyone think the result would have been different had Daunte played? Realistically, he might have only thrown three interceptions instead of four. But, there would have been a better chance of the Packers scoring on more than one of them, because his ice cream guzzling butt wouldn't be chasing anyone down. Had Daunte not had the two career years in Minnesota with Randy Moss and Chris Carter, people would be calling JaMarcus Russell the second coming of Daunte Culpepper....and meaning it as an insult.
Stuck in the middle for yet another week are The Outlaws. We've reached the point in the season where teams in this part of the standings, this far out of first place, are like asteroids circling in the void between Mars and Jupiter. We know they are there, but they don't make us think about them unless something way out of the ordinary happens. Fittingly, Alex Smith (37.04) took snaps for them in Week 12. For the teams at the top to get bonked by an asteroid or two, this team needs the rest of the squad to play like Antonio Gates (27.90) did against Kansas City. You know, speaking of asteroids, this might be a good time for one to slam right into the center of Missouri. A few innocent people might perish, but they'll probably be glad they won't have to watch the state's NFL teams play anymore.
Missing the 100 point threshhold for the week by the tiniest of margins was The Dominator. Phillip Rivers (39.04) got a Missouri special, meaning he got to run up nice numbers in the 1st half before having to hand off for the rest of the game. The rest of the team was okay, but not great, with the exception of David Akers (14.00) who had a great week for a kicker. These guys need to put together a big week soon, otherwise it will be another second division finish. Man, who knew how angry the fake football gods would get when these guys trotted out their JV team in a show of vanity during Week 10 of season 1? They need to offer some sort of sacrifice to the fake football gods soon. Too bad the advice of Andy Rooney wasn't taken, because lopping the head off of a turkey might have been enough appeasement to get this team back on track.
Barely treading water are the Gnomies. This team has struggled big time lately, as guys like Adrian Peterson (11.15) fail to live up to expectations. It didn't help that Matt Ryan (1.80) got knocked silly early in his game. What's funny about this team is that one of it's chief decision makers, Alex, is crushing the competition in another league. I wonder how Jesse feels about this. Maybe, Alex isn't spending enough time with this team. Or, maybe the competition in the PPFFL is just miles beyond what can be found in some other league. I subscribe to the latter. I mean, it's not like we ever let good, quality players fall too far in the draft or not get drafted.
Looking to rise from the abyss are The Dragons. This team is making a major late season push behind America, or as we mere mortals like to call him, Brett Favre (52.84). How fitting that, on the weekend of one of our country's most cherished holidays, the man we equate to the excellence of our nation had such a great game. Brett Favre is America and Brett Favre is all of us. The fact that he has the Vikings sailing along at 10-1 is amazing in itself. Throw in the fact (no pun intended) that he's only chucked up three picks so far this season, and you have a real story. What happened to the reckless guy who liked to throw the ball up for grabs while "trying to make a play"? Maybe those running our country can take Favre's lead and rejuvenate this great nation of ours. Or, at least make sure that we Americans get to play most of our tough games indoors on a plush carpet.
Notes:
- I haven't written it in awhile, so in case you've been missing it, Keith Olbermann is a snotty, pretentious, smug fool who needs someone like Rodney Harrison to beat him an inch from his life on national TV. Then we can turn Rodney loose on Stu Scott.
- To those who thought the Raiders were included on the Thanksgiving Day schedule as a means to humiliate them in front of the whole country and many parts of the world: the Raiders didn't need that game in Dallas to experience humiliation. Although, getting drubbed by a team who had scored as frequently as a lifetime Trekkie the two games previous is pretty humiliating.
- Baseball's Winter Meetings are fast approaching, meaning Giants GM Brian Sabean is preparing a list of free agents to pursue. The PPFFL league office has obtained a copy of that list (hey, we love baseball here, too). Topping it are the following names: Roger Maris, Nap Lajoie, Frank Baker, and Joe Charbonneau. Sabean apparently was listening to all of the people who thought a dead guy could produce more that Aaron Rowand, Edgar Renteria, and Randy Winn did last season.
- The New Jersey Nets achieved the worst start in NBA history last night, moving to 0-18 with a loss to the Mavericks. Well done, gentlemen, well done.
- The review wouldn't be complete without a Peaches reference, so here goes. Rumors that he will be appearing in the 2010 Kings dancer calender are untrue. Even though he's the world's biggest cheerleader for the Maloofs and Kings, Gavin Maloof refuted all rumors that he will be in the calendar. Which is good, because one hideously ugly redhead (if you've seen the ugly redheaded Kings dancer, then you know what I mean) in a calendar is plenty.
That's all for this week. Do great things and don't take any wooden nickels.
The Commish
posted by Patrick Zalasky at 10:06 AM
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