Tuesday Review #17 (Belated)
Apologies go out for the delay in posting this week's review of the action in the PPFFL. Christmas, or more specifically, all of the stuff that goes on after Christmas, kept me away from the computer for awhile. Like Carl Lewis when he sang the National Anthem at the Brendan Byrne Arena back in the '80s, ahem, oh oh, I'll make it up to you....
The Cyhawks had their second bad week in a row. The Dominator more than doubled the point total of our league leader, but still are faced with an insurmountable deficit as we head into the last week of the season. The only drama left is the battle to see who is, in fact, the most middle-of-the-road team in the league. Plan Z has a narrow lead over The Spongebobs in the race to see who will be the league mean in the first season of the PPFFL.
Official Standings (Week 16):
Cyhawks 1,883.19 (62.13)
The Dominator 1,753.69 (131.25)
Plan Z 1,626.96 (106.28)
The Spongebobs 1,603.18 (93.59)
The Dragons 1,434.48 (96.86)
Plan Z placed the weekly hex on their starting QB (while watching the guy they placed on the bench have a solid day), but that wasn't enough to take home the penultimate "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award". The award this week gets shared by our top two teams. Both the Cyhawks and The Dominator had non-QBs put up negative numbers. As we've seen, the probability of this happening to a player who doesn't handle the ball on every play, thereby eliminating the possibility of a bunch of turnovers, is very small. Even so, Steve Smith (-0.25) of the Cyhawks and Willie Parker (-0.55) of The Dominator managed to stink out loud enough to drop into negative numbers. Who could each of these teams have played in place of these guys? Who cares?!!? As long as our old friend, The Dead Guy in the parking lot of the Big A after Game 7 of the 2002 World Series, could have done better, you win the award. Congratulations, gentlemen, you more than earned it.
Coasting to the finish line like Edwin Moses running an exhibition against Dick Van Patten, the Cyhawks basically took the week off. For the first time in what seems like forever, The MVP (10.65) failed to crack the 20 point barrier. The suckitude of Phillip Rivers obviously rubbed off on him, as the Chargers' backfield might not be big enough to keep the negative energy of Rivers from eventually contaminating the best player in the league. Bengal teammates Carson Palmer (23.98) and Rudi Johnson (16.00) were the only other Cyhawks to reach double figures for the week. Ocho Cinco (2.60) is an imminent threat to explode. He can't like the fact that The Housh (see summary for The Dragons) has become more of a go-to guy than he is. Ocho Cinco might even be desparate enough for the ball that he would consider doing the sizzling bacon end zone dance if he ever got back to the painted portion of the field. If we're lucky, sports fans, we might get to enjoy 2 major eruptions from me-first wide receivers, as T.O. is currently having periodic tremors while spewing hot gasses at an ever increasing rate. Let's hope both guys fail to do much this week and in the playoffs, leading to them throwing everyone in sight under the bus.
Back in a groove is The Dominator. How different would things be if he weren't seduced by his own hubris earlier in the season? His experiment, or shall we call it overconfidence, that led to the "J.V." team taking the field, was a mistake that took too long to recover from. Now that he's back in top form, it only assures that he will be the first loser of the first season on PPFFL. This week, Peyton Manning (40.05) was just good enough for the Colts to lose their first game ever to the Texans, on a last second FG. Also pulling a huge load were Steven Jackson (34.60) and the Tampa Bay defense (26.00). Nice job by Chuckie's boys picking on Derek Anderson and the Browns...for those true sports fans, we're talking about the Derek Anderson who is white and went to Oregon State, not the brother who went to Ohio State, then Kentucky, and went on to play for the TrailBlazers, Spurs, and Cavaliers, among others. Had Willie Parker been 180 degrees of his true self on Sunday, The Dominator might be going into the final weekend with the chance to possibly pull off one of the greatest comebacks in the history of Western Civilization. Instead, Willie no doubt received comforting words from Big Ben, who has definitely sucked enough this season to be qualified to console teammates after bad performances.
The Curse of Plan Z hit Ron Mexico (3.28) like a ton of bricks. Coming off of a 4 TD perfromance against Dallas, Senor Siente barely completed twice that many passes against the less than mediocre Panthers. Thank goodness the young legs of Marvin Harrison (28.60) were on display in Houston. Add to that the continued all around numbers posted by Maurice Jones-Drew (29.60), and things were pretty good for Plan Z. This week, yours truly will be doing a favor for his big brother, even if it might mean dropping out of 3rd place and finishing in the bottom 40% of the league. In order to help the Eagles win and take the NFC East, Ron Mexico will stay in the starting lineup when the Falcons travel to Philly. If the Plan Z hex continues as it has all season, Philadelphia DBs should be batting a bunch of passes to the turf, whic should contribute to a victory. Of course, now that we've decided to count on the hex to help someone, we might have hexed the hex. Also, and this can't totally be proven, the hex is sometimes rendered powerless when confronted with cheerleaders who wear slightly more than dental floss for the game. Eagle cheerleaders are world renowned for wearing next to nothing, even when the temperatures dip toward freezing. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Ron Mexico is highly likely to stink out loud on Sunday, but if he doesn't and the Falcons win, don't blame me, because I will definitely be able to come up with a whole bunch of excuses for his unexpected success.
Fighting hard to finish at the Equator of the league are The Spongebobs. This week, there was very little variation for the squishy one's lineup. To wit: Drew Brees (12.09), Javon Walker (11.75), Marques Colston (11.85), Frank Gore (22.30), Brian Westbrook (12.10), Jason Witten (8.50), Nate Kaeding (10.00), and the Bears defense (5.00). Those look like the scores given to a Chinese diver. Throw out the high (Russia) and low (Japan) scores, multiply by the degree of difficulty, divide by the square root of one-third of the diver's weight, add the diver's Body Mass Index, plus 7.09, then subtract the amount of times they were patted on the rear by Greg Lougainis before they knew what his deal was, and you have that round's score. Speaking of Greg Lougainis, the owner of the team Jason Witten plays for sure looks like he could be an Olympic diver right now. How much plastic surgery has Jerry Jones had? Dude, you can't be taken seriously as a bad ass Texas oilman if you are morphing into the current version of Bruce Jenner. Meaning, you are beginning to look like an old woman who has had a ton of plastic surgery. Obviously, plastic surgeons work off of templates that were designed for women and have yet to develop any to suit their male clientele. That would explain why Jenner and Ann Margaret look like mother and daughter (and, that's with Bruce wearing waaaaaaaaay more makeup on a daily basis). Maybe Dr. Rey should stop kicking punching bags in his spare time (or trying to force saltines down his anorexic wife's gullet) and work on coming up with techniques that make men still look like men after their face lifts or eye tucks.
Tucked into the position they have become way to accustomed to these past few weeks are The Dragons. Only one more week of being the last team mentioned. In fact, you guys have ensured that you go first in next season's sumamry of the draft. So, you've got that going for you, which is nice. Anyway, The Dragons were led this week by Jeff Garcia (21.91), T.J. Houshmanzadeh (19.70), Deuce McAllister (17.10) and the Chiefs defense (18.00). Again, guys, great job picking up the defense that would be going against the excellence of Aaron Brooks, Andrew Walter, and that uber-penetrable Raider O-line. One note about QBs here, yours truly nearly choked on his won ton when Al Michaels mentioned Tony Romo was headed to Honolulu for the Pro Bowl. What the &*^%$&%$#%? When Romo was selected he had played in, what, 5 games? If that's how it is, how about we dump Romo after these past few crappy games he's had and insert Jeff Garcia in his place? After all, if it only takes 5 good games, Garcia has had more than enough success to be considered this season. This would be something to really get ticked off about if pro all star games were to be taken even remotely seriously. Instead, it will be interesting to see what skank Romo (now that he's been pardoned by Jessica Simpson) will take to Hawaii with him the second week of February. This here guy says it will be a Country music singer, although I can't really throw out any specific names because I lost track of everyone about 5 years ago. I will have Traci monitor "The News" and clue you all in on any developments.
Notes:
Apologies go out for the delay in posting this week's review of the action in the PPFFL. Christmas, or more specifically, all of the stuff that goes on after Christmas, kept me away from the computer for awhile. Like Carl Lewis when he sang the National Anthem at the Brendan Byrne Arena back in the '80s, ahem, oh oh, I'll make it up to you....
The Cyhawks had their second bad week in a row. The Dominator more than doubled the point total of our league leader, but still are faced with an insurmountable deficit as we head into the last week of the season. The only drama left is the battle to see who is, in fact, the most middle-of-the-road team in the league. Plan Z has a narrow lead over The Spongebobs in the race to see who will be the league mean in the first season of the PPFFL.
Official Standings (Week 16):
Cyhawks 1,883.19 (62.13)
The Dominator 1,753.69 (131.25)
Plan Z 1,626.96 (106.28)
The Spongebobs 1,603.18 (93.59)
The Dragons 1,434.48 (96.86)
Plan Z placed the weekly hex on their starting QB (while watching the guy they placed on the bench have a solid day), but that wasn't enough to take home the penultimate "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award". The award this week gets shared by our top two teams. Both the Cyhawks and The Dominator had non-QBs put up negative numbers. As we've seen, the probability of this happening to a player who doesn't handle the ball on every play, thereby eliminating the possibility of a bunch of turnovers, is very small. Even so, Steve Smith (-0.25) of the Cyhawks and Willie Parker (-0.55) of The Dominator managed to stink out loud enough to drop into negative numbers. Who could each of these teams have played in place of these guys? Who cares?!!? As long as our old friend, The Dead Guy in the parking lot of the Big A after Game 7 of the 2002 World Series, could have done better, you win the award. Congratulations, gentlemen, you more than earned it.
Coasting to the finish line like Edwin Moses running an exhibition against Dick Van Patten, the Cyhawks basically took the week off. For the first time in what seems like forever, The MVP (10.65) failed to crack the 20 point barrier. The suckitude of Phillip Rivers obviously rubbed off on him, as the Chargers' backfield might not be big enough to keep the negative energy of Rivers from eventually contaminating the best player in the league. Bengal teammates Carson Palmer (23.98) and Rudi Johnson (16.00) were the only other Cyhawks to reach double figures for the week. Ocho Cinco (2.60) is an imminent threat to explode. He can't like the fact that The Housh (see summary for The Dragons) has become more of a go-to guy than he is. Ocho Cinco might even be desparate enough for the ball that he would consider doing the sizzling bacon end zone dance if he ever got back to the painted portion of the field. If we're lucky, sports fans, we might get to enjoy 2 major eruptions from me-first wide receivers, as T.O. is currently having periodic tremors while spewing hot gasses at an ever increasing rate. Let's hope both guys fail to do much this week and in the playoffs, leading to them throwing everyone in sight under the bus.
Back in a groove is The Dominator. How different would things be if he weren't seduced by his own hubris earlier in the season? His experiment, or shall we call it overconfidence, that led to the "J.V." team taking the field, was a mistake that took too long to recover from. Now that he's back in top form, it only assures that he will be the first loser of the first season on PPFFL. This week, Peyton Manning (40.05) was just good enough for the Colts to lose their first game ever to the Texans, on a last second FG. Also pulling a huge load were Steven Jackson (34.60) and the Tampa Bay defense (26.00). Nice job by Chuckie's boys picking on Derek Anderson and the Browns...for those true sports fans, we're talking about the Derek Anderson who is white and went to Oregon State, not the brother who went to Ohio State, then Kentucky, and went on to play for the TrailBlazers, Spurs, and Cavaliers, among others. Had Willie Parker been 180 degrees of his true self on Sunday, The Dominator might be going into the final weekend with the chance to possibly pull off one of the greatest comebacks in the history of Western Civilization. Instead, Willie no doubt received comforting words from Big Ben, who has definitely sucked enough this season to be qualified to console teammates after bad performances.
The Curse of Plan Z hit Ron Mexico (3.28) like a ton of bricks. Coming off of a 4 TD perfromance against Dallas, Senor Siente barely completed twice that many passes against the less than mediocre Panthers. Thank goodness the young legs of Marvin Harrison (28.60) were on display in Houston. Add to that the continued all around numbers posted by Maurice Jones-Drew (29.60), and things were pretty good for Plan Z. This week, yours truly will be doing a favor for his big brother, even if it might mean dropping out of 3rd place and finishing in the bottom 40% of the league. In order to help the Eagles win and take the NFC East, Ron Mexico will stay in the starting lineup when the Falcons travel to Philly. If the Plan Z hex continues as it has all season, Philadelphia DBs should be batting a bunch of passes to the turf, whic should contribute to a victory. Of course, now that we've decided to count on the hex to help someone, we might have hexed the hex. Also, and this can't totally be proven, the hex is sometimes rendered powerless when confronted with cheerleaders who wear slightly more than dental floss for the game. Eagle cheerleaders are world renowned for wearing next to nothing, even when the temperatures dip toward freezing. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Ron Mexico is highly likely to stink out loud on Sunday, but if he doesn't and the Falcons win, don't blame me, because I will definitely be able to come up with a whole bunch of excuses for his unexpected success.
Fighting hard to finish at the Equator of the league are The Spongebobs. This week, there was very little variation for the squishy one's lineup. To wit: Drew Brees (12.09), Javon Walker (11.75), Marques Colston (11.85), Frank Gore (22.30), Brian Westbrook (12.10), Jason Witten (8.50), Nate Kaeding (10.00), and the Bears defense (5.00). Those look like the scores given to a Chinese diver. Throw out the high (Russia) and low (Japan) scores, multiply by the degree of difficulty, divide by the square root of one-third of the diver's weight, add the diver's Body Mass Index, plus 7.09, then subtract the amount of times they were patted on the rear by Greg Lougainis before they knew what his deal was, and you have that round's score. Speaking of Greg Lougainis, the owner of the team Jason Witten plays for sure looks like he could be an Olympic diver right now. How much plastic surgery has Jerry Jones had? Dude, you can't be taken seriously as a bad ass Texas oilman if you are morphing into the current version of Bruce Jenner. Meaning, you are beginning to look like an old woman who has had a ton of plastic surgery. Obviously, plastic surgeons work off of templates that were designed for women and have yet to develop any to suit their male clientele. That would explain why Jenner and Ann Margaret look like mother and daughter (and, that's with Bruce wearing waaaaaaaaay more makeup on a daily basis). Maybe Dr. Rey should stop kicking punching bags in his spare time (or trying to force saltines down his anorexic wife's gullet) and work on coming up with techniques that make men still look like men after their face lifts or eye tucks.
Tucked into the position they have become way to accustomed to these past few weeks are The Dragons. Only one more week of being the last team mentioned. In fact, you guys have ensured that you go first in next season's sumamry of the draft. So, you've got that going for you, which is nice. Anyway, The Dragons were led this week by Jeff Garcia (21.91), T.J. Houshmanzadeh (19.70), Deuce McAllister (17.10) and the Chiefs defense (18.00). Again, guys, great job picking up the defense that would be going against the excellence of Aaron Brooks, Andrew Walter, and that uber-penetrable Raider O-line. One note about QBs here, yours truly nearly choked on his won ton when Al Michaels mentioned Tony Romo was headed to Honolulu for the Pro Bowl. What the &*^%$&%$#%? When Romo was selected he had played in, what, 5 games? If that's how it is, how about we dump Romo after these past few crappy games he's had and insert Jeff Garcia in his place? After all, if it only takes 5 good games, Garcia has had more than enough success to be considered this season. This would be something to really get ticked off about if pro all star games were to be taken even remotely seriously. Instead, it will be interesting to see what skank Romo (now that he's been pardoned by Jessica Simpson) will take to Hawaii with him the second week of February. This here guy says it will be a Country music singer, although I can't really throw out any specific names because I lost track of everyone about 5 years ago. I will have Traci monitor "The News" and clue you all in on any developments.
Notes:
- Get your lineups in, since there is most definitely a scintillating Thursday night NFL Network game coming our way. No need for Sominex, we have Bryant Gumbel and crappy football games to put us to sleep.
- Is it me, or on Christmas night did Michael Irvin look like Tinky Winky if he decided to leave Tele-Tubbyland to become a Brooklyn pimp?
- The Jacked-Up segment on ESPN which, as you know, is my favorite, totally missed the nuclear hit laid on Vernon Davis last Sunday. Instead they put in a hit on Reggie Bush where the guy that hit Reg fell farther backward than the Heisman winner. If you're going to do something this stupid and stick with it for the whole season, you can't half-ass it with two weeks to go. Come on, ESPN! Finish the job!
There you go guys, I made up for being late with the summary, didn't I? If not, well, I like you all too much to tell you where to stick it. Instead, I will just tell you this: There was once a guy who had the world in his hands, who after college could have really made it big as a pro...but he threw it all away in one night and now he's writing weekly summaries for a fantasy football league. Do you know who that guy is? That's right, it's Mitch Cumstein. He had it all right in front of him, but threw it all away when he was caught night putting. Putting at night....with the dean's 13 year old daughter.
Have a nice week, and do great things, gentlemen.
The Commish
posted by Patrick Zalasky at 9:14 PM
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