A New Season

Well, gentlemen, we are on the precipice of another NFL season, so it is time to prepare for another raucous season of fantasy football. Last year was just the beginning for we polocks and our relatives. This year promises to be even bigger and better! That being said, here are some things to ponder as we work on scheduling the draft....

• Rumor has it there might be a couple of extra teams this season. Alex and Jack, in particular, are talking about running their own franchise. It sure was easy for them to second guess personnal decisions made last year, let's see how they do when they are on their own. My prediction: lots of yelling and threatening to kill each other.
• Jesse has apparently also expressed interest in being on his own this year. Maybe he could join forces with Alex and Jack and play the role of peacemaker. Kind of like Gene Michael acted as a mediator between Steinbrenner and Martin for the '77 Yankees.
• We are in negotiations with a group in Land Park about expanding into their territory.
• A meeting will have to be convened to decide how we will handle the upcoming draft. As I see it, we have the following options: Start from scratch, pull numbers for draft order, and draft like we did last season; OR, agree on a number of players to keep (either 2 or 3) from last season, and then draft in inverse order of finish, with the potential expansion teams drafting at the beginning of Rounds 1 and 2, then in the middle of each subsequent round. We can make the decision based on a vote of the 5 participating teams last year, majority rule.

Now, to some things from actual football teams:

• I think we all agree the biggest story of the offseason was Ron Mexico's indictment on dog fighting charges (narrowly beating out Tom Brady knocking up a Hollywood skank, then immediately leaving her for another...SURPRISE...Hollywood skank). This development means that Plan Z has one fewer marquee QB they can put their hex on this season. It also means that I would never want to grab the last pack of Oreos just before Ookie's momma on buy-one-get-one-free day at the Piggly Wiggly. If her DNA was enough to corrupt both Mike and Marcus, then I would hate to get on her bad side.
• Joey Porter's summer time beatdown of some player I can't recall happened at none other than the Palms. How far have the Maloofs fallen in the past 12-18 months? Let's see, the Palms has gone from hosting every conceivable party and hip TV show in Vegas to an underwhelming opening for Hef's new club and being the home of a TV show hosted by Jenny McCarthy (Bob and The Dominator just read that and said, "Who?" To that, I say, "Exactly."). Now, NFL players are going there to physically settle their grievances in the offseason. That place is turning into the Rio Linda of Sin City.
• In case you missed it, OJ Simpson recently had a live internet Q&A where one of the questions was, I kid you not, "What was more difficult: running for 2,000 yards in one season, or cutting the heads off of two people?" Orenthal's response: "I seem to be having difficulty hearing the questions right now." Kind of like Nicole and Ron are having a hard time hearing ANYTHING right now.
• Not to slight the Silver and Black, but can anyone name the last team that drafted #1 who didn't agree to contract terms with their pick before his name was called by the commissioner (not me, the guy who is currently busy suspending every thug and punk in the league, much to the delight of most of America)? Come on, Al! It's not like you guys haven't drafted in the top 5 recently. How can you draft a guy #1, a QB who you want to immediately take over the offense, and not have a deal done on the eve of the draft? Everyone does it these days. Did you really think the Texans felt Mario Williams was a better player than Reggie Bush? Wait a minute, looking at your recent drafts, you probably thought Mario was better, too. Anyway, the point is this: wearing white sweatsuits, slicking back your hair, talking about the Committment to Excellence, hiring the 1,098th guy on your list of potential coaches, and signing a bunch of malcontents doesn't make you successful anymore. It makes you a franchise that should be looking to move its training camp to the Palms.
• ESPN has replaced Joe Theismann with Ron Jaworski in the booth for Monday Night Football. How will Jaws do when being forced to interview third-rate celebrities like the homo from "Gray's Anatomy" and the wacky neighbor on "According to Jim"? I guess time will tell.
• Sorry about the homo reference. I'm not trying to stoop to the level of the militant black guy from "Gray's Anatomy", I just don't know the guy's name and didn't feel like looking it up.
• It was mentioned awhile ago in the major Sacramento newspaper that Onterrio Smith is interested in seeking reinstatement to the league. He thinks his drug problems are behind him and that he can be one of the top backs in football. I'm not sure a lot of people are in agreement on that one. In related news, Roy Tarpley, at age 42, is trying to find just one basketball league on the planet earth that will allow him to play. Here's a prediction you can take to the bank: In 10 years, Onterrio Smith will be in Del Paso Heights talking about how he feels like he can still contribute to an NFL team if the commissioner will just see the light and lift his lifetime ban. While giving the interview, a 275 pound Onterrio will take numerous breaks to have secret conversations on his cell phone, and will disappear behind an old warehouse on numerous occasions and come back looking incredibly more energetic than he was when he left.

That's about all I have for today. It isn't much, but I am still in training camp, too. I will be in shape and be bringing it strong before you know it. In fact, beginning next week, I will go through each division in the NFL and provide analysis, including all of the personnel changes and positional battles, with a prediction for what each team will do in '07.

Just kidding. I'll probably just do what I always do. Updates will be posted as we get information on the draft, or funny stuff pops up that I feel a need to share.

In closing, today is the 30th birthday of previously aforementioned Hollywood skank banger Tom Brady. Give the day it's due and don't forget the following: Nobody is better at driving his team to game winning 50 yard FGs than Tom Brady; Nobody is better at leading a team nobody gives respect to than Tom Brady; Only Tom Brady is intelligent and football savvy enough to lead a team coached by uber genius Bill Belichick; AND, Nobody has received more nude self portraits of Bill Simmons than Tom Brady (that one's for you, Ang).

Don't take any wooden nickels....

The Commish