Tuesday Review v3.16
For the first time in PPFFL history, there was some competition for the top spot in the league heading into Week 16. The Cyclones, though, made sure that there will be no drama as the NFL wraps up its regular season over the next few days. Their solid week neutralized the hard charging Maestro and totally eliminated The Dragons, who had been hanging around for the last few weeks, but crashed and burned in the penultimate week of the season.
Team STY has risen over the last two weeks to the level of the league's equator, passing both The Dominator and the suddenly anemic Gnomies. The Outlaws continue to hold up the rest of the league, but they're a lot closer to the rest of us now than they were back in the middle of the season. If the NFL extended the regular season to about 24 weeks, they might drag themselves out of the basement.
Official Standings (Week 16):
Cyclones 1,780.32 (126.02)
The Maestro 1,706.52 (128.53)
The Dragons 1,668.15 (57.05)
Team STY 1,627.17 (137.89)
The Dominator 1,598.43 (86.53)
Gnomies 1,582.84 (47.54)
The Outlaws 1,518.44 (119.89)
When this fake football season comes to a close, The Maestro will be left kicking himself over the handling of Ronnie Brown (7.65). His four TD week early in the season was wasted as he sat on his fake team's bench. Permanently put into the starting lineup the following week, he contributed some solid games in the middle of the season. As his fake team picked up the pace, though, his performance began to trail off a little bit, culminating with a very pedestrian Week 16. Meanwhile, the diminutive Darren Sproles (23.05) was having a productive day in Kansas City, locking up Week 16's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award for his fake owner.
Drew Brees (46.87) returned to form just in time for the Cyclones to all but lock up the championship. He was helped immensely by Dallas Clark (22.25), who had his best game of the season when this fake team needed it the most. Larry Fitzgerald (17.05) managed to put up some decent stats on a day when his real team was getting pantsed in the snowy Northeast. The decision by Cardinals staff to wear all white on their trip to New England was fitting. The way the played suggested that they weren't even there and the white unis made it so they were mostly invisible to the viewers at home. They still have won only two games against a team that isn't in their division and will likely face either Carolina, Tampa Bay, or Chicago/Minnesota in the playoffs. Is there anyone out there willing to bet that they won't lose by at least two touchdowns on their home turf? Excpet for the lady in the NFL.com commercial that has the Cardinal logo tatooed on her lower back?
The week that was started off really well for The Maestro, as Peyton Manning (54.83) and Maurice Jones-Drew (15.10) provided an early spark. Jason Witten (15.35) then picked up the slack on Saturday night, generating a buzz around this team and their suddenly stellar play. Wes Welker (19.20) was able to maintain the momentum against the no-show Cardinals early on Sunday, but after that the furious charge met some resistance. The Pittsburgh defense (1.00), solid all season long, was worked over by the recycled Kerry Collins, about the same time Ronnie Brown (7.65) was struggling in the frozen Midwest. Not even Steve Smith (6.40) could pick up the slack on Sunday night, as the Giants poor run defense kept the ball away from him and he had a TD overturned by a coaches challenge, expertly executed by Tom Coughlin. Damn you, Coughlin!
Not to beat a dead horse, but the Cardinals really stunk on Sunday. At the forefront of that debacle was Kurt Warner (0.60), who effectively ended the Season 3 hopes of The Dragons. It wasn't all him, though, as Marshawn Lynch (7.70) and Andre Johnson (2.95) didn't live up to their recent performances. Just when you think he couldn't get worse, Vernon Davis (-0.15) managed to do just that, punctuating a week where this team's best players were underacieving idiot Terrell Owens (14.15) and kicker Nate Kaeding (13.00). At least this team's struggles got some playing time for nearly forgotten dead beat dad (and former Heisman Trophy winner) Matt Leinart (seriously, he won the Heisman). He managed to lead the Cardinals to their only points against the New England third stringers but, to nobody's surprise, was as bad as he's always been. Meanwhile, his collegiate backup, Matt Cassel, was having another solid game in what has been an unexpectedly solid season. Memo to Pete Carroll: If you would have given the QB job to Cassel way back when, he likely would have won a Heisman like Leinart. He also probably wouldn't have made as many crappy throws against a suspect Texas defense back in the 2006 National Championship game, meaning you would likely have won the game that will most haunt you when you go to your grave. On the other hand, if Cassel had been the starter, we wouldn't have had as much fun busting on Leinart for his crappy parenting skills and the fact that he still makes his mom pay when they go out for meals together. But, hey, he's still friends with Nick Lachey, so he's got that going for him, which is nice.
Zooming into fourth place on the diminutive legs of DeAngelo Williams (32.40) is Team STY. Williams scored four TDs on Sunday night, giving him 20 for the season and assuring that he will be taken very high in the 2009 PPFFL draft. Well, this is the PPFFL, so he assured that he should be taken high in the draft. It doesn't mean that he will be taken high. Reggie Wayne (21.40), the Tennessee defense (20.00) and Antonio Gates (18.15) also chipped in with big games, as their fake team rose from near the depths of the league. Tony Romo (26.64) was able to salvage what started out as a rough night in the last game ever at Texas Stadium. If only the Cowboys defenders hadn't forgotten how to tackle in the 4th quarter, the 'Boys may have sent the stadium out on a winning note. As it stands now, even if the Cowboys make the playoffs, they will not be playing at home. All is not lost for the season, though, because, as Romo said after the game, they "still have a percentage chance of getting in". He's right, you know. In fact, I have a percentage chance of punching the w key...just like that! Unfortunately for Jerry of the Stretched Face's team, their playoff chances are closer to my chances of going out on a date with cheerleader Kelly Jo and helping her fix the problem she has with her kicks.
Holding onto 5th place like it's the last available moose meat during an Alaskan winter is The Dominator. Other teams have been flying around this part of the standings for weeks, but only one has held onto their position with this much conviction. The Big Guy obviously sat his team down and made 5th place their biggest goal for the rest of the season. So, while Jay Cutler (36.68) and Tony Gonzalez (16.20) were having weeks that would suggest the team might climb its way into 4th place, Anquan Boldin (0.00) and Santana Moss (6.60) made sure the team didn't stray from its goal. Clinton Portis (11.05) was pretty solid in a slugfest with the Eagles, but his performance on the field isn't what everyone was talking about afterward. In order to prove his superior intellect to sarcastic coach Jim Zorn, he put together a Bob the Builder jigsaw puzzle during a 3rd quarter timeout. Linebacker London Fletcher commented, "I have never seen 8 puzzle pieces move that fast. I didn't think he had any chance of putting the picture of Rolly in the right place, but he made that big Texas shaped piece float on air. No disrespect, but there's no way Coach Zorn could do that."
Karma continues to kick the Gnomies in the ribs. They spent the majority of the season in the top half of the standings, but now appear to be paying for the front office shenanigans that led up to the draft in August. They're also getting a look into the psyches of Jets fans as Brett Favre (11.24) leads their team out of the playoffs. It's tough for such a great Ameican to struggle the way he is, but who can blame him with the way the economy is? The man is not only trying to get his football team into the playoffs, he's trying to save Christmas, people! So, let's cut him a little slack and blame guys like Adrian Peterson (4.60), Thomas Jones (7.80), T.J. Houshmanzadeh (0.00), and Donald Lee (0.00) for the second worst weekly score for Season 3. Let's be real, though. Favre's late season struggles will likely lead to a teary retirement announcement, which will lead to Sports Illustrated's Peter King and ESPN's Chris Berman staking out his house, which will lead to months of speculation about his future, which will lead to Favre eventually returning for another season. The problem for Favre is that each time he does this, he has to join a team that is worse than the one he left. His choices next year will likely be in the realm of the Bills or Browns. The season after that will leave him choosing between the Rams and Bengals. His final season (hopefully) will then be played for the Lions, who will be carrying a 53 game losing streak into the opening week of 2011. If there's anyone who can break a streak like that, it's Brett Favre.
Closer to 6th place than they have been in eons are The Outlaws. Once again, their late season push is something to behold. It's just too bad that they dug such a big hole early in the season. And, by big hole, we mean Grand Canyon-esque. Phillip Rivers (45.59) continued his stellar late season play, while managing to make even more people across the country hate his guts. Stories about his off-putting personality are starting to circulate around Al Gore's brilliant invention (the internet, not global warming), meaning he must really be a tool, since most people couldn't care less about athletes playing in San Diego. Want an example? If Jake Peavy had been playing for the Yankees or Red Sox the past few years, rumors of his impending trade would have been covered non stop by the Worldwide Leader, with Buster Olney being imbedded in Peavy's front yard bushes to report on what pajamas he wears to bed each night. Instead, he pitches for the Padres, so most of America has never heard of him or the Padres. Brandon Jacobs (23.60) plays in a big market, so we know about him. Antonio Bryant (19.35) is well known on the police blotter, so we know about him, too. Brandon Marshall (17.45), however, hasn't shot himself accidentally or been caught driving 173 mph in a school zone, so most of America is still in the dark about him.
Notes:
For the first time in PPFFL history, there was some competition for the top spot in the league heading into Week 16. The Cyclones, though, made sure that there will be no drama as the NFL wraps up its regular season over the next few days. Their solid week neutralized the hard charging Maestro and totally eliminated The Dragons, who had been hanging around for the last few weeks, but crashed and burned in the penultimate week of the season.
Team STY has risen over the last two weeks to the level of the league's equator, passing both The Dominator and the suddenly anemic Gnomies. The Outlaws continue to hold up the rest of the league, but they're a lot closer to the rest of us now than they were back in the middle of the season. If the NFL extended the regular season to about 24 weeks, they might drag themselves out of the basement.
Official Standings (Week 16):
Cyclones 1,780.32 (126.02)
The Maestro 1,706.52 (128.53)
The Dragons 1,668.15 (57.05)
Team STY 1,627.17 (137.89)
The Dominator 1,598.43 (86.53)
Gnomies 1,582.84 (47.54)
The Outlaws 1,518.44 (119.89)
When this fake football season comes to a close, The Maestro will be left kicking himself over the handling of Ronnie Brown (7.65). His four TD week early in the season was wasted as he sat on his fake team's bench. Permanently put into the starting lineup the following week, he contributed some solid games in the middle of the season. As his fake team picked up the pace, though, his performance began to trail off a little bit, culminating with a very pedestrian Week 16. Meanwhile, the diminutive Darren Sproles (23.05) was having a productive day in Kansas City, locking up Week 16's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award for his fake owner.
Drew Brees (46.87) returned to form just in time for the Cyclones to all but lock up the championship. He was helped immensely by Dallas Clark (22.25), who had his best game of the season when this fake team needed it the most. Larry Fitzgerald (17.05) managed to put up some decent stats on a day when his real team was getting pantsed in the snowy Northeast. The decision by Cardinals staff to wear all white on their trip to New England was fitting. The way the played suggested that they weren't even there and the white unis made it so they were mostly invisible to the viewers at home. They still have won only two games against a team that isn't in their division and will likely face either Carolina, Tampa Bay, or Chicago/Minnesota in the playoffs. Is there anyone out there willing to bet that they won't lose by at least two touchdowns on their home turf? Excpet for the lady in the NFL.com commercial that has the Cardinal logo tatooed on her lower back?
The week that was started off really well for The Maestro, as Peyton Manning (54.83) and Maurice Jones-Drew (15.10) provided an early spark. Jason Witten (15.35) then picked up the slack on Saturday night, generating a buzz around this team and their suddenly stellar play. Wes Welker (19.20) was able to maintain the momentum against the no-show Cardinals early on Sunday, but after that the furious charge met some resistance. The Pittsburgh defense (1.00), solid all season long, was worked over by the recycled Kerry Collins, about the same time Ronnie Brown (7.65) was struggling in the frozen Midwest. Not even Steve Smith (6.40) could pick up the slack on Sunday night, as the Giants poor run defense kept the ball away from him and he had a TD overturned by a coaches challenge, expertly executed by Tom Coughlin. Damn you, Coughlin!
Not to beat a dead horse, but the Cardinals really stunk on Sunday. At the forefront of that debacle was Kurt Warner (0.60), who effectively ended the Season 3 hopes of The Dragons. It wasn't all him, though, as Marshawn Lynch (7.70) and Andre Johnson (2.95) didn't live up to their recent performances. Just when you think he couldn't get worse, Vernon Davis (-0.15) managed to do just that, punctuating a week where this team's best players were underacieving idiot Terrell Owens (14.15) and kicker Nate Kaeding (13.00). At least this team's struggles got some playing time for nearly forgotten dead beat dad (and former Heisman Trophy winner) Matt Leinart (seriously, he won the Heisman). He managed to lead the Cardinals to their only points against the New England third stringers but, to nobody's surprise, was as bad as he's always been. Meanwhile, his collegiate backup, Matt Cassel, was having another solid game in what has been an unexpectedly solid season. Memo to Pete Carroll: If you would have given the QB job to Cassel way back when, he likely would have won a Heisman like Leinart. He also probably wouldn't have made as many crappy throws against a suspect Texas defense back in the 2006 National Championship game, meaning you would likely have won the game that will most haunt you when you go to your grave. On the other hand, if Cassel had been the starter, we wouldn't have had as much fun busting on Leinart for his crappy parenting skills and the fact that he still makes his mom pay when they go out for meals together. But, hey, he's still friends with Nick Lachey, so he's got that going for him, which is nice.
Zooming into fourth place on the diminutive legs of DeAngelo Williams (32.40) is Team STY. Williams scored four TDs on Sunday night, giving him 20 for the season and assuring that he will be taken very high in the 2009 PPFFL draft. Well, this is the PPFFL, so he assured that he should be taken high in the draft. It doesn't mean that he will be taken high. Reggie Wayne (21.40), the Tennessee defense (20.00) and Antonio Gates (18.15) also chipped in with big games, as their fake team rose from near the depths of the league. Tony Romo (26.64) was able to salvage what started out as a rough night in the last game ever at Texas Stadium. If only the Cowboys defenders hadn't forgotten how to tackle in the 4th quarter, the 'Boys may have sent the stadium out on a winning note. As it stands now, even if the Cowboys make the playoffs, they will not be playing at home. All is not lost for the season, though, because, as Romo said after the game, they "still have a percentage chance of getting in". He's right, you know. In fact, I have a percentage chance of punching the w key...just like that! Unfortunately for Jerry of the Stretched Face's team, their playoff chances are closer to my chances of going out on a date with cheerleader Kelly Jo and helping her fix the problem she has with her kicks.
Holding onto 5th place like it's the last available moose meat during an Alaskan winter is The Dominator. Other teams have been flying around this part of the standings for weeks, but only one has held onto their position with this much conviction. The Big Guy obviously sat his team down and made 5th place their biggest goal for the rest of the season. So, while Jay Cutler (36.68) and Tony Gonzalez (16.20) were having weeks that would suggest the team might climb its way into 4th place, Anquan Boldin (0.00) and Santana Moss (6.60) made sure the team didn't stray from its goal. Clinton Portis (11.05) was pretty solid in a slugfest with the Eagles, but his performance on the field isn't what everyone was talking about afterward. In order to prove his superior intellect to sarcastic coach Jim Zorn, he put together a Bob the Builder jigsaw puzzle during a 3rd quarter timeout. Linebacker London Fletcher commented, "I have never seen 8 puzzle pieces move that fast. I didn't think he had any chance of putting the picture of Rolly in the right place, but he made that big Texas shaped piece float on air. No disrespect, but there's no way Coach Zorn could do that."
Karma continues to kick the Gnomies in the ribs. They spent the majority of the season in the top half of the standings, but now appear to be paying for the front office shenanigans that led up to the draft in August. They're also getting a look into the psyches of Jets fans as Brett Favre (11.24) leads their team out of the playoffs. It's tough for such a great Ameican to struggle the way he is, but who can blame him with the way the economy is? The man is not only trying to get his football team into the playoffs, he's trying to save Christmas, people! So, let's cut him a little slack and blame guys like Adrian Peterson (4.60), Thomas Jones (7.80), T.J. Houshmanzadeh (0.00), and Donald Lee (0.00) for the second worst weekly score for Season 3. Let's be real, though. Favre's late season struggles will likely lead to a teary retirement announcement, which will lead to Sports Illustrated's Peter King and ESPN's Chris Berman staking out his house, which will lead to months of speculation about his future, which will lead to Favre eventually returning for another season. The problem for Favre is that each time he does this, he has to join a team that is worse than the one he left. His choices next year will likely be in the realm of the Bills or Browns. The season after that will leave him choosing between the Rams and Bengals. His final season (hopefully) will then be played for the Lions, who will be carrying a 53 game losing streak into the opening week of 2011. If there's anyone who can break a streak like that, it's Brett Favre.
Closer to 6th place than they have been in eons are The Outlaws. Once again, their late season push is something to behold. It's just too bad that they dug such a big hole early in the season. And, by big hole, we mean Grand Canyon-esque. Phillip Rivers (45.59) continued his stellar late season play, while managing to make even more people across the country hate his guts. Stories about his off-putting personality are starting to circulate around Al Gore's brilliant invention (the internet, not global warming), meaning he must really be a tool, since most people couldn't care less about athletes playing in San Diego. Want an example? If Jake Peavy had been playing for the Yankees or Red Sox the past few years, rumors of his impending trade would have been covered non stop by the Worldwide Leader, with Buster Olney being imbedded in Peavy's front yard bushes to report on what pajamas he wears to bed each night. Instead, he pitches for the Padres, so most of America has never heard of him or the Padres. Brandon Jacobs (23.60) plays in a big market, so we know about him. Antonio Bryant (19.35) is well known on the police blotter, so we know about him, too. Brandon Marshall (17.45), however, hasn't shot himself accidentally or been caught driving 173 mph in a school zone, so most of America is still in the dark about him.
Notes:
- As mentioned yesterday, the bad weather on Sunday lent a chance for the league office to have Football Night in America showing on its TV screens. It was as bad as it's always been, and even went the extra mile to get worse. If the egos of Olbermann and Costas weren't enough, we got a strong dose of Tiki Barber. Tiki has always been criticized as being a bit of a media hog, as evidenced by the lame work he did for NBC while still playing for the Giants. Upon retirement he went to work entertaining housewives on the Today Show and co-anchored a "hip" highlight show during the Olympics with a girl (whose name has been long forgotten) that started every sentence with the words, "Oh, my god". Anyway, on Sunday he interviewed Giants RB Brandon Jacobs. After the usual meaningless questions were asked, Tiki got real in depth. He asked if Jacobs knew just how much his presence had meant when Jacobs was backing him up and "Taking all of (his) touchdowns" (believe me, Tiki, I know about that, as your 1,400 yard, 1 TD season was part of my mediocre fantasy season). When Jacobs hesitated with an answer, Tiki proclaimed (and I'm paraphrasing a bit), "You now that your development was accelerated by having such a great running back ahead of you that could show you how to be a professional football player and an All Pro." As if that conceit weren't enough, Tiki got all Nantz on us when he asked Jacobs if "the foundation of great excellence that great players like myself laid helped contribute to the Super Bowl championship". Watch out, Nantz. If you don't bring about peace on earth soon, Tiki's going to beat you to it.
- To set the record straight, based on an informal, make believe, but highly accurate survey of New York Giants players and coaches, the most important factor in their Super Bowl win last season was the retirement of Tiki Barber. To quote a make believe Giants player, "We hated that runt so much that it was like a cement truck being lifted off our shoulders when he decided to go work with Kathie Lee Gifford full time."
- Keeping with their offseason makeover, San Francisco Giants GM Brian Sabean came to an agreement in principle to acquire teenage sensation Dakota Johnson from the White Sox, in exchange for Matt Cain, 2008 top draft pick Buster Posey, and minor league pitching phenom Madison Bumgarner. "We just feel the opportunity to have a stud like Johnson was worth parting ways with the guys we did. We look forward to some great things from this kid." When told by the press that Johnson was 14 years old and was basically a ruse created by A's GM Billy Beane who had no future in baseball, Sabean shot back, "That's just the lunatic fringe out there that doesn't know talent the way we professionals do. Let's see what happens when this kid is 22 and able to step in and take over for Richie Aurilia at second base. The next eight years is going to go by quickly, so you guys in the media better not forget how much you were criticizing this move when Dakota's hitting at the top of the lineup and giving us an opportunity to move Aurilia to first base and get another decade or so out of him."
- The Albert brothers are frequently called the "Baldwin Brothers of Announcing". For those of you that aren't hip to it, the Baldwins are a bunch of brothers who have done well as actors. Anyway, if that's the case, Marv Albert is like Alec Baldwin, Kenny Albert is Stephen Baldwin, and Al Albert is the the fat Baldwin that was in "Biodome" with Pauly Shore.
- The Pillow Fight of the Week was Bengals 14, Browns 0. The residents of Ohio must have been so proud.
- This week's early frontrunners to be PFOTW are Kansas City at Cincinnati and Seattle at Arizona.
That's it for another week. As it's Christmas week, don't take any wooden nickels. There are plenty of scammers out there that will be looking to take advantage of your goodwill.
The Commish
posted by Patrick Zalasky at 8:37 AM
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