Draft 2009
Well, it's been a long time since we've gotten together to do this owning and running a fake football team thing. It must have been a busy year for all of us, because we couldn't hold the fake draft until less than a week before the real season started. I guess that's a testament to how important we have all become.
As you all know, since you were all there or connected via high tech means to the proceedings (well almost all of you), our draft was conducted with fanfare that is usually reserved for gatherings of world leaders or the Jonas Brothers.
The draft was held later than normal, however, so our list of available guest commentators was limited. Mel Kiper, Jr., last year's guest analyst turned us down because of the short notice, as did Cris Collinsworth and Howie Long. Terry Bradshaw was busy performing his extensive library of original country music songs at Trailer Aid 2009 (a cheap rip off of Farm Aid, geared toward people whose double wides are in need of work). Chris Berman wanted to be here, but Labor Day is when he sets aside time to feed for the upcoming winter. That's right, he devotes a whole three day weekend to wolfing down brontosaurus burgers and sides of beef to get a nice layer of meat on him before the temperatures on the Bristol campus turn south.
Most of our local celebrities were of no help, either, as Peaches Napear turned us down when he heard that Eli Manning wasn't drafted in the first round. He also didn't like it when I asked him where in the heck one could find the city of Gween Bay on a map. Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson was out of the office and unavailable for comment. That's probably because he was scouring the midtown bars trying to find his #1 aide, and Sacramento's #1 smart aleck drunk, R.E. Graswich. Kings owners Joe and Gavin Maloof wanted to be here, but they are still grounded for running their NBA franchise into the ground, even though they had the most talent in the league 5 seasons ago.
That leaves us with one local celebrity who was willing to help out. And, although one would think that gargantuan talk show host Mike Lamb would also be spending this weekend packing on another layer of insulation for the cold months ahead, he was more than willing to help because, as he said when I called, "I pack on the weight 24 hours a day. I don't need a special occasion to devour a turkey leg or canned ham."
So, without further ado, here are the results of this year's draft, with the painfully obvious analysis of one Mike Lamb interspersed. Oh, and that lunar eclipse isn't really an eclipse. It's Lamb's head blocking the moon when he steps outside to get a better cell phone connection.
Round drafted in parenthesees
Gnomies
QB: Matt Ryan - Atlanta (2)
QB: Jay Cutler - Chicago (8)
RB: Adrian Peterson _ Minnesota (1)
RB: Brandon Jacobs - New York Giants (4)
RB: Willis McGahee - Baltimore (11)
RB: Tim Hightower - Arizona (12)
WR: Greg Jennings - Green Bay (3)
WR: Anquan Boldin - Arizona (5)
WR: Santonio Holmes - Pittsburgh (6)
WR: Vincent Jackson - San Diego (10)
TE: Greg Olson - Chicago (7)
TE: Heath Miller - Pittsburgh (14)
K: Adam Vinatieri - Indianapolis (13)
D: Pittsburgh (9)
Lamby's Take: "This team got a steal taking Adrian Peterson. I can't believe so many other teams passed on him. They also have great balance with two quarterbacks, four running backs, four wide receivers, two tight ends, a kicker and a defense. I really like the way this team stacks up. The only downside I see is the lack of Raiders on the roster. You don't like to pass up guys from such an explosive offense."
Team STY
QB: Drew Brees - New Orleans (1)
QB: Eli Manning - New York Giants (11)
RB: Steven Jackson - St. Louis (3)
RB: Ronnie Brown - Miami (6)
RB: Marshawn Lynch - Buffalo (7)
RB: Thomas Jones - New York Jets (10)
WR: Andre Johnson - Houston (2)
WR: Reggie Wayne - Indianapolis (4)
WR: Terrell Owens - Buffalo (5)
WR: Braylon Edwards - Cleveland (9)
TE: Chris Cooley - Washington (8)
TE: Dustin Keller - New York Jets (13)
K: Rod Bironas - Tennessee (12)
D: Green Bay (14)
Lamby's Take: "Wow. I look at this draft and I wonder if the GM for this team was even there. I mean, I really like the way they got Brees early on....it's a steal as far as I'm concerned when so many other teams passed on him. And Braylon Edwards...well all I have to say about him is that if I had a baby, and someone had to save that baby by throwing him out of the fourth floor window of a burning building....I want Braylon Edwards down there to catch that baby. Because, what's the worst that can happen? Based on his track record in football, Braylon is going to get his hands on the baby. He might not catch the baby, but by getting his hands on the baby the worst the baby is going to get is a little brain damage, and I can live with that."
The Dominator
QB: Phillip Rivers - San Diego (2)
QB: Matt Schaub - Houston (7)
RB: Clinton Portis - Washington (4)
RB: Willie Parker - Pittsburgh (6)
RB: Johnathan Stewart - Carolina (10)
RB: Ryan Grant - Green Bay (13)
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Arizona (1)
WR: T.J. Houshmanzadeh - Seattle (5)
WR: Jerricho Cotchery - New York Jets (9)
WR: Hines Ward - Pittsburgh (12)
TE: Tony Gonzalez - Atlanta (3)
TE: Owen Daniels - Houston (8)
K: Neil Rackers - Arizona (14)
D: Miami (11)
Lamby's Take: "What can you say about Larry Fotzgerald? I mean, after what he did in the postseason last year, he's a steal where this team got him. I also like Hines Ward. He's a glue guy to me. He just knows how to play football. Watch the action away from the ball sometime and you'll see Hines Ward playing football the way the guys played it back in the old days. He'll be wearing a leather helmet and shoes laced all the way up to his knees and he'll be cut blocking some DB, then punching him with a set of brass knuckles when the guy falls to the ground. That's the way football used to be played and that's how Owen Daniels plays today."
The Big Ragu
QB: Tom Brady - New England (1)
QB: Mark Sanchez - New York Jets (13)
RB: Michael Turner - Atlanta (2)
RB: Steve Slaton - Houston (4)
RB: Kevin Smith - Detroit (6)
RB: Ray Rice - Baltimore (8)
WR: Randy Moss - New England (3)
WR: Marques Colston - New Orleans (5)
WR: Eddie Royal - Denver (7)
WR: Percy Harvin - Minnesota (10)
TE: Visanthe Sciancoe - Minnesota (9)
TE: Vernon Davis - San Francisco (12)
K: Nate Kaeding - San Diego (14)
D: Minnesota (11)
Lamby's Take: "You know what I call Toim Brady here? A steal. Okay, the guy is coming off of a major injury that cost him a whole year, but he's Tom Brady for crying out loud. I talked to a friend of mine who works in the front office of an NFL team and he said that over the summer a heatwave in the New England area killed some the grass on the front lawn of one of Brady's neighbors. Well, you know what? Tom Brady walked over to the guy's house, stood on the lawn for about ten minutes, and the lawn suddenly looked like the grass on the 50 yard line ofthe Oakland Coliseum."
The Dragons
QB: Dunnavunn McNabb - Philadelphia (8)
QB: Brett Favre - Minnesota (11)
RB: Matt Forte - Chicago (1)
RB: Brian Westbrook - Philadelphia (2)
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - San Diego (3)
RB: Marion Barber, III - Dallas (5)
WR: Devin Hester - Chicago (8)
WR: Roy Williams - Dallas (9)
WR: Bernard Berrian - Minnesota (10)
WR: Michael Crabtree - Unsigned (12)
TE: Jason Witten - Dallas (4)
TE: Kellen Winslow - Tampa Bay (6)
K: Joe Nedney - San Francisco (14)
D: Arizona (13)
Lamby's Take: "Gosh, after what Matt Forte did last season, how could he last so long in this draft? He could be the steal of the year, right there. You know what I really like about this team's draft? The order of it. Running backs at the beginning, then tight ends, then wide receivers, then a couple of quarterbacks, then the rest. It's how I like to eat a meal. First I like to have the bowl of salad, then I like to eat the loaf of bread, then the whole head of steamed cabbage. Once I get through all of that, I like to eat the turkey, then wash it down with the gravy. Then a dozen or so ears of corn and a pepperoni pizza. Finally, a gallon of ice cream and a sheet cake and it's time for my next meal."
The Outlaws
QB: Kurt Warner - Arizona (2)
QB: Carson Palmer - Cincinnati (6)
RB: Joseph Addai - Indianapolis (3)
RB: Derrick Ward - Tampa Bay (7)
RB: Glen Coffey - San Francisco (13)
RB: Darren Sproles - San Diego (14)
WR: Antonio Bryant - Tampa Bay (1)
WR: DeSean Jackson - Philadelphia (5)
WR: Chad Ochocinco - Cincinnati (11)
WR: Santana Moss - Washington (12)
TE: Antonio Gates - San Diego (4)
TE: Donald Lee - Green Bay (8)
K: Mason Crosby - Green Bay (9)
D: Baltimore (10)
Lamby's Take: "I really like this draft. You don't get a guy like Bryant in the first round unless you're doing some serious homework. That's a steal. I mean, not only do you get a guy who will be catching passes from an elite passer and eater like Byron Leftwich, you're also getting a guy who can get liquored up and drive 60 mph over the speed limit. He's a real versatile receiver in that regard. If this team can somehow swing a trade to get Kellen Winslow, Jr. and his rocket powered motorcycle, the rest of the league better look out. I mean, you wouldn't know when it's safe to step off the curb with those two guys driving in your town."
The Maestro
QB: Aaron Rodgers - Green Bay (2)
QB: Tony Romo - Dallas (6)
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jacksonville (3)
RB: Frank Gore - San Francisco (4)
RB: LenDale White - Tennessee (11)
RB: Felix Jones - Dallas (12)
WR: Calvin Johnson - Detroit (1)
WR: Roddy White - Atlanta (5)
WR: Wes Welker - New England (7)
WR: Anthony Gonzalez - Indianapolis (9)
TE: Zach Miller - Oakland (8)
TE: John Carlson - Seattle (14)
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oakland (10)
D: San Diego (13)
Lamby's Take: "Who drafted this team, Stevie Wonder? Man, taking a guy that plays for a team that didn't win a game last year with your first pick really isn't too smart. And, what's the deal with taking Romo? Doesn't this guy know that T.O. isn't in Dallas anymore? Who is he going to throw to if there aren't any wide receivers on the team? What is smart, though, is stocking up on the Raiders. Miller and Janikowski were steals where he got them. Another thing I like about this draft is the way he drafted LenDale White. I once went to a buffet in Westwood with him and we cleaned that place out. I swear, because of a couple of Trojans, the kids going to UCLA weren't able to eat for a week."
Cyclones
QB: Peyton Manning - Indianapolis (1)
QB: Ben Roethlisberger - Pittsburgh (10)
RB: DeAngelo Williams - Carolina (2)
RB: Chris Johnson - Tennessee (4)
RB: Darren McFadden - Oakland (5)
RB: Reggie Bush - New Orleans (8)
WR: Steve Smith - Carolina (3)
WR: Dwayne Bowe - Kansas City (7)
WR: Torry Holt - Jacksonville (12)
WR: Derrick Mason - Baltimore (13)
TE: Dallas Clark - Indianapolis (6)
TE: Anthony Fasano - Miami (11)
K: David Akers - Philadelphia (14)
D: Philadelphia (9)
Lamby's Take: "This draft had more steals than any others. Peyton Manning in the first round? Are you kidding me? How can anyone pass on that guy? Darren McFadden in the 5th round? Are you serious? The best athlete in the draft lasts that long? Isn't this cool? Have you ever seen anyone speak using only questions? Aren't I awesome? Would you like to watch me eat my weight in Milk Duds right now?"
While Mike straps on the feed bag full of Milk Duds, I'll wrap this one up. Week 1 is rapidly approaching, so get your lineups in. A full schedule for the week will be posted shortly. So, as we prepare for the footballs to start flying around our greatest stadiums, remember this:
Do great things, gentlemen....
The Commish
Well, it's been a long time since we've gotten together to do this owning and running a fake football team thing. It must have been a busy year for all of us, because we couldn't hold the fake draft until less than a week before the real season started. I guess that's a testament to how important we have all become.
As you all know, since you were all there or connected via high tech means to the proceedings (well almost all of you), our draft was conducted with fanfare that is usually reserved for gatherings of world leaders or the Jonas Brothers.
The draft was held later than normal, however, so our list of available guest commentators was limited. Mel Kiper, Jr., last year's guest analyst turned us down because of the short notice, as did Cris Collinsworth and Howie Long. Terry Bradshaw was busy performing his extensive library of original country music songs at Trailer Aid 2009 (a cheap rip off of Farm Aid, geared toward people whose double wides are in need of work). Chris Berman wanted to be here, but Labor Day is when he sets aside time to feed for the upcoming winter. That's right, he devotes a whole three day weekend to wolfing down brontosaurus burgers and sides of beef to get a nice layer of meat on him before the temperatures on the Bristol campus turn south.
Most of our local celebrities were of no help, either, as Peaches Napear turned us down when he heard that Eli Manning wasn't drafted in the first round. He also didn't like it when I asked him where in the heck one could find the city of Gween Bay on a map. Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson was out of the office and unavailable for comment. That's probably because he was scouring the midtown bars trying to find his #1 aide, and Sacramento's #1 smart aleck drunk, R.E. Graswich. Kings owners Joe and Gavin Maloof wanted to be here, but they are still grounded for running their NBA franchise into the ground, even though they had the most talent in the league 5 seasons ago.
That leaves us with one local celebrity who was willing to help out. And, although one would think that gargantuan talk show host Mike Lamb would also be spending this weekend packing on another layer of insulation for the cold months ahead, he was more than willing to help because, as he said when I called, "I pack on the weight 24 hours a day. I don't need a special occasion to devour a turkey leg or canned ham."
So, without further ado, here are the results of this year's draft, with the painfully obvious analysis of one Mike Lamb interspersed. Oh, and that lunar eclipse isn't really an eclipse. It's Lamb's head blocking the moon when he steps outside to get a better cell phone connection.
Round drafted in parenthesees
Gnomies
QB: Matt Ryan - Atlanta (2)
QB: Jay Cutler - Chicago (8)
RB: Adrian Peterson _ Minnesota (1)
RB: Brandon Jacobs - New York Giants (4)
RB: Willis McGahee - Baltimore (11)
RB: Tim Hightower - Arizona (12)
WR: Greg Jennings - Green Bay (3)
WR: Anquan Boldin - Arizona (5)
WR: Santonio Holmes - Pittsburgh (6)
WR: Vincent Jackson - San Diego (10)
TE: Greg Olson - Chicago (7)
TE: Heath Miller - Pittsburgh (14)
K: Adam Vinatieri - Indianapolis (13)
D: Pittsburgh (9)
Lamby's Take: "This team got a steal taking Adrian Peterson. I can't believe so many other teams passed on him. They also have great balance with two quarterbacks, four running backs, four wide receivers, two tight ends, a kicker and a defense. I really like the way this team stacks up. The only downside I see is the lack of Raiders on the roster. You don't like to pass up guys from such an explosive offense."
Team STY
QB: Drew Brees - New Orleans (1)
QB: Eli Manning - New York Giants (11)
RB: Steven Jackson - St. Louis (3)
RB: Ronnie Brown - Miami (6)
RB: Marshawn Lynch - Buffalo (7)
RB: Thomas Jones - New York Jets (10)
WR: Andre Johnson - Houston (2)
WR: Reggie Wayne - Indianapolis (4)
WR: Terrell Owens - Buffalo (5)
WR: Braylon Edwards - Cleveland (9)
TE: Chris Cooley - Washington (8)
TE: Dustin Keller - New York Jets (13)
K: Rod Bironas - Tennessee (12)
D: Green Bay (14)
Lamby's Take: "Wow. I look at this draft and I wonder if the GM for this team was even there. I mean, I really like the way they got Brees early on....it's a steal as far as I'm concerned when so many other teams passed on him. And Braylon Edwards...well all I have to say about him is that if I had a baby, and someone had to save that baby by throwing him out of the fourth floor window of a burning building....I want Braylon Edwards down there to catch that baby. Because, what's the worst that can happen? Based on his track record in football, Braylon is going to get his hands on the baby. He might not catch the baby, but by getting his hands on the baby the worst the baby is going to get is a little brain damage, and I can live with that."
The Dominator
QB: Phillip Rivers - San Diego (2)
QB: Matt Schaub - Houston (7)
RB: Clinton Portis - Washington (4)
RB: Willie Parker - Pittsburgh (6)
RB: Johnathan Stewart - Carolina (10)
RB: Ryan Grant - Green Bay (13)
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Arizona (1)
WR: T.J. Houshmanzadeh - Seattle (5)
WR: Jerricho Cotchery - New York Jets (9)
WR: Hines Ward - Pittsburgh (12)
TE: Tony Gonzalez - Atlanta (3)
TE: Owen Daniels - Houston (8)
K: Neil Rackers - Arizona (14)
D: Miami (11)
Lamby's Take: "What can you say about Larry Fotzgerald? I mean, after what he did in the postseason last year, he's a steal where this team got him. I also like Hines Ward. He's a glue guy to me. He just knows how to play football. Watch the action away from the ball sometime and you'll see Hines Ward playing football the way the guys played it back in the old days. He'll be wearing a leather helmet and shoes laced all the way up to his knees and he'll be cut blocking some DB, then punching him with a set of brass knuckles when the guy falls to the ground. That's the way football used to be played and that's how Owen Daniels plays today."
The Big Ragu
QB: Tom Brady - New England (1)
QB: Mark Sanchez - New York Jets (13)
RB: Michael Turner - Atlanta (2)
RB: Steve Slaton - Houston (4)
RB: Kevin Smith - Detroit (6)
RB: Ray Rice - Baltimore (8)
WR: Randy Moss - New England (3)
WR: Marques Colston - New Orleans (5)
WR: Eddie Royal - Denver (7)
WR: Percy Harvin - Minnesota (10)
TE: Visanthe Sciancoe - Minnesota (9)
TE: Vernon Davis - San Francisco (12)
K: Nate Kaeding - San Diego (14)
D: Minnesota (11)
Lamby's Take: "You know what I call Toim Brady here? A steal. Okay, the guy is coming off of a major injury that cost him a whole year, but he's Tom Brady for crying out loud. I talked to a friend of mine who works in the front office of an NFL team and he said that over the summer a heatwave in the New England area killed some the grass on the front lawn of one of Brady's neighbors. Well, you know what? Tom Brady walked over to the guy's house, stood on the lawn for about ten minutes, and the lawn suddenly looked like the grass on the 50 yard line ofthe Oakland Coliseum."
The Dragons
QB: Dunnavunn McNabb - Philadelphia (8)
QB: Brett Favre - Minnesota (11)
RB: Matt Forte - Chicago (1)
RB: Brian Westbrook - Philadelphia (2)
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - San Diego (3)
RB: Marion Barber, III - Dallas (5)
WR: Devin Hester - Chicago (8)
WR: Roy Williams - Dallas (9)
WR: Bernard Berrian - Minnesota (10)
WR: Michael Crabtree - Unsigned (12)
TE: Jason Witten - Dallas (4)
TE: Kellen Winslow - Tampa Bay (6)
K: Joe Nedney - San Francisco (14)
D: Arizona (13)
Lamby's Take: "Gosh, after what Matt Forte did last season, how could he last so long in this draft? He could be the steal of the year, right there. You know what I really like about this team's draft? The order of it. Running backs at the beginning, then tight ends, then wide receivers, then a couple of quarterbacks, then the rest. It's how I like to eat a meal. First I like to have the bowl of salad, then I like to eat the loaf of bread, then the whole head of steamed cabbage. Once I get through all of that, I like to eat the turkey, then wash it down with the gravy. Then a dozen or so ears of corn and a pepperoni pizza. Finally, a gallon of ice cream and a sheet cake and it's time for my next meal."
The Outlaws
QB: Kurt Warner - Arizona (2)
QB: Carson Palmer - Cincinnati (6)
RB: Joseph Addai - Indianapolis (3)
RB: Derrick Ward - Tampa Bay (7)
RB: Glen Coffey - San Francisco (13)
RB: Darren Sproles - San Diego (14)
WR: Antonio Bryant - Tampa Bay (1)
WR: DeSean Jackson - Philadelphia (5)
WR: Chad Ochocinco - Cincinnati (11)
WR: Santana Moss - Washington (12)
TE: Antonio Gates - San Diego (4)
TE: Donald Lee - Green Bay (8)
K: Mason Crosby - Green Bay (9)
D: Baltimore (10)
Lamby's Take: "I really like this draft. You don't get a guy like Bryant in the first round unless you're doing some serious homework. That's a steal. I mean, not only do you get a guy who will be catching passes from an elite passer and eater like Byron Leftwich, you're also getting a guy who can get liquored up and drive 60 mph over the speed limit. He's a real versatile receiver in that regard. If this team can somehow swing a trade to get Kellen Winslow, Jr. and his rocket powered motorcycle, the rest of the league better look out. I mean, you wouldn't know when it's safe to step off the curb with those two guys driving in your town."
The Maestro
QB: Aaron Rodgers - Green Bay (2)
QB: Tony Romo - Dallas (6)
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jacksonville (3)
RB: Frank Gore - San Francisco (4)
RB: LenDale White - Tennessee (11)
RB: Felix Jones - Dallas (12)
WR: Calvin Johnson - Detroit (1)
WR: Roddy White - Atlanta (5)
WR: Wes Welker - New England (7)
WR: Anthony Gonzalez - Indianapolis (9)
TE: Zach Miller - Oakland (8)
TE: John Carlson - Seattle (14)
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oakland (10)
D: San Diego (13)
Lamby's Take: "Who drafted this team, Stevie Wonder? Man, taking a guy that plays for a team that didn't win a game last year with your first pick really isn't too smart. And, what's the deal with taking Romo? Doesn't this guy know that T.O. isn't in Dallas anymore? Who is he going to throw to if there aren't any wide receivers on the team? What is smart, though, is stocking up on the Raiders. Miller and Janikowski were steals where he got them. Another thing I like about this draft is the way he drafted LenDale White. I once went to a buffet in Westwood with him and we cleaned that place out. I swear, because of a couple of Trojans, the kids going to UCLA weren't able to eat for a week."
Cyclones
QB: Peyton Manning - Indianapolis (1)
QB: Ben Roethlisberger - Pittsburgh (10)
RB: DeAngelo Williams - Carolina (2)
RB: Chris Johnson - Tennessee (4)
RB: Darren McFadden - Oakland (5)
RB: Reggie Bush - New Orleans (8)
WR: Steve Smith - Carolina (3)
WR: Dwayne Bowe - Kansas City (7)
WR: Torry Holt - Jacksonville (12)
WR: Derrick Mason - Baltimore (13)
TE: Dallas Clark - Indianapolis (6)
TE: Anthony Fasano - Miami (11)
K: David Akers - Philadelphia (14)
D: Philadelphia (9)
Lamby's Take: "This draft had more steals than any others. Peyton Manning in the first round? Are you kidding me? How can anyone pass on that guy? Darren McFadden in the 5th round? Are you serious? The best athlete in the draft lasts that long? Isn't this cool? Have you ever seen anyone speak using only questions? Aren't I awesome? Would you like to watch me eat my weight in Milk Duds right now?"
While Mike straps on the feed bag full of Milk Duds, I'll wrap this one up. Week 1 is rapidly approaching, so get your lineups in. A full schedule for the week will be posted shortly. So, as we prepare for the footballs to start flying around our greatest stadiums, remember this:
Do great things, gentlemen....
The Commish
posted by Patrick Zalasky at 8:08 PM
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