Tuesday Review v4.11
It's Tuesday and we are actually going to have a review of the week that was in the NFL and PPFFL for you! It's been awhile, and the league office apologizes with profusion. Let's hope that this is a sign of greater things to come with regard to the postings on this fake football website.
The Big Ragu extended his lead this week with another strong showing, while The Maestro and The Dominator made aggressive moves toward 2nd place and 5th place, respectively. Team STY really struggled and, speaking of struggling, I would be remiss to not mention how The Dragons burst through the 100 point barrier (118.20) in Week 10. My sincere apologies for not writing a review for that week.
Official Standings (Week 11):
The Big Ragu 1,394.03 (129.15)
Cyclones 1,349.41 (104.13)
The Maestro 1,266.57 (140.23)
Team STY 1,187.61 (71.69)
The Outlaws 1,175.58 (101.21)
The Dominator 1,126.21 (138.50)
Cyclones 1,066.25 (95.76)
The Dragons 946.36 (93.98)
It was a bit of a weird week in the NFL (like most weeks aren't), leading to some intense competition for this week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award. For instance, Team STY sat out T.O. (27.85) on the best day he's had all season and instead played Braylon Edwards (1.50), who hasn't done squat since punching out LeBron's personal secretary. Okay, Braylon hasn't really done squat since he joined the NFL. Also kicking himself for not playing the correct wide receiver was The Maestro, who sat Calvin Johnson (24.03) while playing Roddy White (6.25). Those mistakes with the lineup paled in comparison, though, to the one made by the Cyclones. They started Peyton Manning (25.43) against Baltimore's stout defense, while sitting Ben Roethlisberger (52.16) against the pourous defense of the Chiefs. For that, the young guys receive this week's ISWIWHPTGA.
The Big Ragu built on his lead, nearly posting the rare octuple double, with only Marques Colston (9.00) not reaching double figures for the week. Tom Brady (37.15) was his usual solid self and got some help from Vernon Davis (20.40). It's funny how Vernon has all of a sudden become a top notch tight end, when last season everyone was calling him a head case and a potential bust. Do you think it has something to do with playing under an offensive coordinator last season who didn't even know teams played with tight ends? Now, he's still probably a me-first head case, but he's being given the chance to make some plays and contribute to the offense. So, with holdout head case Michael Crabtree in the lineup with him, Niner fans should have plenty of entertainment for the next few years.
The Cyclones are doing their best to hold on and make this season an interesting one. They didn't get the usual week out of Peyton Manning, but he was picked up by Derrick Mason (19.10) and Steve Smith (17.35). The renaissance of Jake Delhomme is amazing when you think about it. First of all, it's not an overreaction to call this a renaissance because, a month ago, everyone in the NFL would have taken Jay Cutler over Delhomme (heck, Tarvaris Jackson or Rex Grossman would have been better alternatives). Now, though, Delhomme is holding onto the ball and the team is playing much better (go figure!). And, all of this happened without Steve Smith caving in someone's face in a burst of rage. That's the amazing part.
Trying to make this a three team race is The Maestro. He had his best week of the season on the arm of Aaron Rodgers (48.03) and the hands of Wes Welker (28.10). Welker had the rarity of nearly matching his QB for points and he did all of his damage without reaching the end zone. At least one of Randy Moss' paltry four catches resulted in a TD, otherwise the Pats could have had trouble on their hands. No elite NFL, prima donna, receiver wants a 5'6" whitey from Texas Tech to put up better stats than him.
Stuck in neutral is Team STY. They had another mediocre week, only getting real production from Drew Brees (35.74). The only other player to hit double figures for the week was Reggie Wayne (11.45). These guys definitely should have played T.O. If he ever finds out he was benched in favor of LeBron's arch-nemesis, he'll show up in Iowa with a space suit on, looking for a driveway on Kellogg Avenue where he can break out into some calisthenics.
Hanging tough in the middle of the pack, which is way better than past years, are The Outlaws. Kurt Warner (27.06) was leading the team to a solid week until he got knocked silly. Fortunately, DeSean Jackson (23.65) continues to dominate the league at 5'9" and about a buck sixty (joining Wes Welker in making physical specimens like Darius Heyward-Bey, Braylon Edwards and the teams who drafted them look ridiculous). Hats off to the Saints (15.00) defense, too, as they prepare to face their toughest test of the season next Monday night against New England. For all Patriots fans (whom I wish nothing but disaster upon), here's hoping that Coach B doesn't get caught up in trying to prove he's the smartest man on the planet and instead just tries to win the game.
Getting a little frisky is The Dominator. He nearly posted the biggest score of the week due to the performances of Matt Schaub (39.10) and Ricky Williams (29.90), who looked like he could handle the load without Ronnie Brown in there running the Wildcat. Larry Fitzgerald (18.35) continued to show other WRs how you are supposed to play on a weekly basis and (to use a worn out cliche) Tony Gonzalez (18.10) just did what Tony Gonzalez does. This fake team is looking good right now and when you consider that Houston is in full panic mode (meaning the gameplan will soon be 90% pass and 10% run), the prospects for further movement up the standings look good.
Residing in the land that nobody cares about are the Gnomies. Like the Travelocity mascot that they share genes with, we know they are somewhere, but we really don't care where. If Matt Ryan (32.06) had another mediocre week, would anyone in the PPFFL hear about it? Only if you check here. How about if Greg Jennings (20.30) tore up the Niners defense? Since he's on this fake team, you'll only hear about it in this space. At least we have something to talk about with the San Diego (16.00) defense. And, it's not about them, but about the Denver team they drubbed on Sunday. The Broncos are following a familiar path - get out to a fast start, then crash right into a mountain. Maybe it wasn't tanned human rat Mike Shanahan's fault after all. I could tell the team was headed for a beating on Sunday when Kyle Orton entered the game to huge applause from the home fans. Folks, if Orton is your season savior, then your season doesn't have much going for it. Although, Tarvaris Jackson is probably available for the right price (i.e. free).
That brings us to The Dragons. Like Mark McGwire, I'm not here to talk about the past, but I still have to mention that in Week 10 these guys weren't the worst. They weren't the best, either, but at least they weren't the worst. It's a sad fact of life, but every league needs a team like this. Unfortunately for much of America, the NFL has too many teams like this. So, for you fans of the Lions, Rams, Raiders, Chiefs, Browns, and Buccaneers, there's a team in this fake football league that proves every dog will have its day. And, once that day is over, it's back to suffering. Hence, the Week 11 where only Dunnavunn McNabb (33.63) and Michael Crabtree (13.85) managed to reach double digits.
Notes:
It's Tuesday and we are actually going to have a review of the week that was in the NFL and PPFFL for you! It's been awhile, and the league office apologizes with profusion. Let's hope that this is a sign of greater things to come with regard to the postings on this fake football website.
The Big Ragu extended his lead this week with another strong showing, while The Maestro and The Dominator made aggressive moves toward 2nd place and 5th place, respectively. Team STY really struggled and, speaking of struggling, I would be remiss to not mention how The Dragons burst through the 100 point barrier (118.20) in Week 10. My sincere apologies for not writing a review for that week.
Official Standings (Week 11):
The Big Ragu 1,394.03 (129.15)
Cyclones 1,349.41 (104.13)
The Maestro 1,266.57 (140.23)
Team STY 1,187.61 (71.69)
The Outlaws 1,175.58 (101.21)
The Dominator 1,126.21 (138.50)
Cyclones 1,066.25 (95.76)
The Dragons 946.36 (93.98)
It was a bit of a weird week in the NFL (like most weeks aren't), leading to some intense competition for this week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award. For instance, Team STY sat out T.O. (27.85) on the best day he's had all season and instead played Braylon Edwards (1.50), who hasn't done squat since punching out LeBron's personal secretary. Okay, Braylon hasn't really done squat since he joined the NFL. Also kicking himself for not playing the correct wide receiver was The Maestro, who sat Calvin Johnson (24.03) while playing Roddy White (6.25). Those mistakes with the lineup paled in comparison, though, to the one made by the Cyclones. They started Peyton Manning (25.43) against Baltimore's stout defense, while sitting Ben Roethlisberger (52.16) against the pourous defense of the Chiefs. For that, the young guys receive this week's ISWIWHPTGA.
The Big Ragu built on his lead, nearly posting the rare octuple double, with only Marques Colston (9.00) not reaching double figures for the week. Tom Brady (37.15) was his usual solid self and got some help from Vernon Davis (20.40). It's funny how Vernon has all of a sudden become a top notch tight end, when last season everyone was calling him a head case and a potential bust. Do you think it has something to do with playing under an offensive coordinator last season who didn't even know teams played with tight ends? Now, he's still probably a me-first head case, but he's being given the chance to make some plays and contribute to the offense. So, with holdout head case Michael Crabtree in the lineup with him, Niner fans should have plenty of entertainment for the next few years.
The Cyclones are doing their best to hold on and make this season an interesting one. They didn't get the usual week out of Peyton Manning, but he was picked up by Derrick Mason (19.10) and Steve Smith (17.35). The renaissance of Jake Delhomme is amazing when you think about it. First of all, it's not an overreaction to call this a renaissance because, a month ago, everyone in the NFL would have taken Jay Cutler over Delhomme (heck, Tarvaris Jackson or Rex Grossman would have been better alternatives). Now, though, Delhomme is holding onto the ball and the team is playing much better (go figure!). And, all of this happened without Steve Smith caving in someone's face in a burst of rage. That's the amazing part.
Trying to make this a three team race is The Maestro. He had his best week of the season on the arm of Aaron Rodgers (48.03) and the hands of Wes Welker (28.10). Welker had the rarity of nearly matching his QB for points and he did all of his damage without reaching the end zone. At least one of Randy Moss' paltry four catches resulted in a TD, otherwise the Pats could have had trouble on their hands. No elite NFL, prima donna, receiver wants a 5'6" whitey from Texas Tech to put up better stats than him.
Stuck in neutral is Team STY. They had another mediocre week, only getting real production from Drew Brees (35.74). The only other player to hit double figures for the week was Reggie Wayne (11.45). These guys definitely should have played T.O. If he ever finds out he was benched in favor of LeBron's arch-nemesis, he'll show up in Iowa with a space suit on, looking for a driveway on Kellogg Avenue where he can break out into some calisthenics.
Hanging tough in the middle of the pack, which is way better than past years, are The Outlaws. Kurt Warner (27.06) was leading the team to a solid week until he got knocked silly. Fortunately, DeSean Jackson (23.65) continues to dominate the league at 5'9" and about a buck sixty (joining Wes Welker in making physical specimens like Darius Heyward-Bey, Braylon Edwards and the teams who drafted them look ridiculous). Hats off to the Saints (15.00) defense, too, as they prepare to face their toughest test of the season next Monday night against New England. For all Patriots fans (whom I wish nothing but disaster upon), here's hoping that Coach B doesn't get caught up in trying to prove he's the smartest man on the planet and instead just tries to win the game.
Getting a little frisky is The Dominator. He nearly posted the biggest score of the week due to the performances of Matt Schaub (39.10) and Ricky Williams (29.90), who looked like he could handle the load without Ronnie Brown in there running the Wildcat. Larry Fitzgerald (18.35) continued to show other WRs how you are supposed to play on a weekly basis and (to use a worn out cliche) Tony Gonzalez (18.10) just did what Tony Gonzalez does. This fake team is looking good right now and when you consider that Houston is in full panic mode (meaning the gameplan will soon be 90% pass and 10% run), the prospects for further movement up the standings look good.
Residing in the land that nobody cares about are the Gnomies. Like the Travelocity mascot that they share genes with, we know they are somewhere, but we really don't care where. If Matt Ryan (32.06) had another mediocre week, would anyone in the PPFFL hear about it? Only if you check here. How about if Greg Jennings (20.30) tore up the Niners defense? Since he's on this fake team, you'll only hear about it in this space. At least we have something to talk about with the San Diego (16.00) defense. And, it's not about them, but about the Denver team they drubbed on Sunday. The Broncos are following a familiar path - get out to a fast start, then crash right into a mountain. Maybe it wasn't tanned human rat Mike Shanahan's fault after all. I could tell the team was headed for a beating on Sunday when Kyle Orton entered the game to huge applause from the home fans. Folks, if Orton is your season savior, then your season doesn't have much going for it. Although, Tarvaris Jackson is probably available for the right price (i.e. free).
That brings us to The Dragons. Like Mark McGwire, I'm not here to talk about the past, but I still have to mention that in Week 10 these guys weren't the worst. They weren't the best, either, but at least they weren't the worst. It's a sad fact of life, but every league needs a team like this. Unfortunately for much of America, the NFL has too many teams like this. So, for you fans of the Lions, Rams, Raiders, Chiefs, Browns, and Buccaneers, there's a team in this fake football league that proves every dog will have its day. And, once that day is over, it's back to suffering. Hence, the Week 11 where only Dunnavunn McNabb (33.63) and Michael Crabtree (13.85) managed to reach double digits.
Notes:
- For those of you who may be new to our country, it's Thanksgiving week, so get your lineups in to the league office as soon as possible.
- Speaking on Thanksgiving, Andy Rooney, the commentator on 60 Minutes (where you needn't apply for a job unless you rememer the Renaissance - and not the one involving Jake Delhomme) thinks we need to get back to the way Thanksgiving used to be celebrated. And, that includes killing your own turkey. Seriously, that's what he said on Sunday night. No more frozen birds. We all need to know how great it feels to lop the head off of a turkey, right before you pluck its feathers and roast it to a golden brown.
- The NFL is giving us a glimpse of Thanksgivings to come with their Oakland @ Dallas matchup on Thursday. We all know that, come 2015 or so, Tony Romo will be suiting up in the Silver and Black. It's only natural that Al Davis (who, incidentally vigorously opposed the Renaissance) will be signing a washed up, never really was to QB his team, just because his name resonates among football fans. Romo and Al are a match that is destined to happen. Here's hoping Romo also chooses to don the white satin sweat suit as the clothing of choice when he's a Raider.
- Speaking of Dallas, the Pillow Fight of the Week was, without question, Cowboys 7, Redskins 6. Without checking the schedule, the Cowboys/Raiders matchup in 48 hours is the odds-on bet to be the next PFotW.
- The league office was open last night and took in most of the MNF game, which meant the whole mood of it went into the toilet when Stu Scott's gap toothed, four-eyed mug appeared on the screen for the first time. For the love of Pete, ESPN, who in the world likes seeing that buffoon? The whole "boo-yeah", re-dunk-u-lous" thing jumped the shark about 10 years ago. We want Emmitt Smith back!
- Speaking of Emmitt, following last night's game, Michelle Tafoya was able to conduct an interview with a non-English speaker without the use of a translator. The interviewee was none other than Titans QB Vince Young (rimshot!). Okay, VY technically speaks English, but I dare you listen to a replay of that interview and identify what he's saying, other than the words "have fun" and "man" (which he called Michelle about 17 times in 30 seconds). I guarantee that the Titans draw plays in the turf when huddling around VY, because there's no other way anyone in the huddle (with the exception of Chris Johnson, who speaks a similar dialect of Wonderlic) would know what in the world he was saying, unless all of their plays include the words "have fun" and "man". "Man, have man, fun, man, have fun, on three. Ready....Break!"
- Congratulations go out to Peaches Napear who has apparently visited a speech therapist in the offseason. Where we all expected him to pronounce the name of the new Kings rookie sensation "Ty-week" Evans, he's done a nice job of including the "r" and not sounding like Donald Duck.
- Speaking of Peaches, he obviously thinks of himself as the king of all Central Valley media. Can he really be, though, when Mike Lamb stops by to help him with the show for a couple of hours a day? Having Lamb help you out is like having Kenny Natt coach your NBA team. And, how did the current schedule get adopted? Peaches for an hour, followed by both of them for two hours, then Lamb closing things out in the final hour. How about just going to a three hour show if that's all you could afford paying them? Heaven knows, Jason Ross would step in for the 6-7 hour and continue with his show until the illiterate Carmichael Dave (who was obviously hired to fulfill Americans With Disabilities Act requirements) came on. As long as Ross has been at KHTK and looking at the jobs he's done, it's obvious he's either making about $7 per hour, or he's married to the program director's daughter.
- As a Sac State alum, I would be remiss if I didn't mention their big basketball win over Oregon State on Saturday night. This is the same Oregon State team coached by President Barry's brother-in-law. So, based on media predictions of the Beavers unending success following the hire of Barry's b-i-l, this is one of the greatest upsets since peach baskets were nailed to both ends of a gym. Oh, heck, it's the greatest upset in the history of man! Or, maybe not. Maybe, just maybe, assuming a position with great fanfare and promises of great things beyond our wildest imaginations (which at Oregon State would be 10 wins in the same season), but then delivering nothing but incompetence and losing is something that runs in Barry's family. Let's ask the Yemen what they think after they dupe Barry into handing over our nuclear secrets.
That's all for today, men, and let me say it feels great to be back to summarizing the world of real and fake football. Here's hoping the world of WJU doesn't get in the way anymore.
Until the next time....do great things.
The Commish
posted by Patrick Zalasky at 8:27 AM
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