Tuesday Review v4.3

Here we are, back for a comprehensive review of the week that was in the PPFFL. So we're posting a day late? At least something is getting posted this week besides the standings.

It was a down week, as only two teams managed to crack the 100 point mark. One of them was the Cyclones, who extended their early lead. The other was our league's big mover of the week: The Outlaws. This is the best start the lawless ones have been off to in recent memory. Comparing seasons to train robberies, this season is like robbing the Orient Express for them, while seasons past would have been like sticking up the patrons on the train at Funderland.

Even with the early success, The Outlaws aren't immune from a little criticism. Their top pick in the draft, Antonio Bryant (1.30) has been a bit of a bust so far. It's tough to remove that #1 guy from the lineup early in the season, though. That's why Santana Moss (27.90) was on the bench in Week 3, costing his fake team a spot in 2nd place and earning his fake owner the "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award for Week 3.

Official Standings (Week 3):
Cyclones 375.66 (101.33)
Team STY 358.62 (84.74)
The Outlaws 334.01 (110.69)
The Maestro 321.80 (95.25)
The Big Ragu 318.47 (97.04)
Gnomies 288.91 (69.98)
The Dragons 283.20 (86.22)
The Dominator 254.62 (78.26)

In a fake league dominated by quarterbacks, the Cyclones got one of the only great weeks from one. Peyton Manning (51.03) torched the Cardinals in the desert on Sunday night, hooking up frequently with Dallas Clark (16.45). That was about it for this fake team, as David Akers (10.00) was the only other starter to give any measurable production. It was enough to keep this team on top of the standings, though, as we once again see that a great QB can cover up a lot of holes on your roster.

Hanging tough is Team STY. Drew Brees (11.34) had his first off week of the season. Fortunately, Reggie Wayne (22.30) was inserted into the lineup this week for the trip to Arizona. Steven Jackson (14.15) was solid for his real team that nobody cares about. Honestly, if the Rams, Chiefs, and Browns all went away, would most of America notice? Other than to realize that there would suddenly be no teams left in the league that the Raiders might be able to beat?

Firing their six shooters in the air are The Outlaws. They were the big risers this week, as Kurt Warner (30.64) got to play from behind all night. DeSean Jackson (22.45) continued to play like an elite receiver. Joseph Addai (12.55), stop me if you've heard this before, got to run around untouched in Arizona on Sunday night. Throw in the Baltimore defense (17.00) and you have yourself a pretty nice fantasy week on a day when most others struggled.

The Maestro dropped a place this week, and it could have been worse if not for the play of Pocket Hercules, Maurice Jones-Drew (32.35). Tony Romo (22.70) did everything but actually throw the ball to someone while they were in the end zone. It must be mentioned that Sebastian Janikowski (4.00) was the only Raider to show up, according to J.T. the Brick. If J.T. is giving up on the Raiders, then their situation is more dire than anyone ever could imagine.

Staying within shouting distance of the top is The Big Ragu. Tom Brady (28.04) was okay, helping this fake team by throwing to Randy Moss (18.80) frequently. Let's give some props to Kevin Smith (11.95), too. He had a decent game on Sunday, but that's not the point. The point is that the Lions finally won a game after dropping the last 19 that they played. Based on what we hear on the radio locally when the Raiders win, I can confidently say that talk radio shows in Michigan are ablaze with talk of the Lions winning the NFC North.

The Gnomies are next, leading the way for the less than inspiring teams of the PPFFL. Matt Ryan (15.43) was their top scorer for the week, which explains why this team is perilously close to being a full 100 points back in the standings. Adrian Peterson (6.95) couldn't pull all the weight this week, as his arch nemesis, Patrick Willis, pushed him into another mediocre performance against the Niners. Greg Olsen (13.20) had a nice game, meaning that, at least for a week, Jay Cutler remembered which team he was supposed to throw the ball to.

Brett Favre's (32.07) fake team might be next to last in the standings, but they are #1 in all of our hearts. The Dragons have experienced rough sailing so far, but we're all pulling for them because of #4 being on the roster. As Chris Berman famously said, "Rooting for Brett Favre is like rooting for America". And, I like rooting for America. This fake team is just like America in other ways, too. For instance, the Arizona defense (1.00) protects its goal line in much the same way that our federal government protects our southern border. No matter where you are in Arizona, it seems like someone is sprinting across a line and dancing like there's no tomorrow.

The Dominator spent some time back east, which seems to have motivated Jerricho Cotchery (23.25) of the suddenly invincible Jets. If the Big Guy wants to save his fantasy football season, he might also have to make trips to Washington (Clinton Portis [3.40]), Green Bay (Ryan Grant [6.20]), and Atlanta (Tony Gonzalez [1.80]) to motivate a few of his other players. If there's a team that needs some tough love, this is it.

Notes:

• Get those rosters and waiver claims in as soon as you can.
• The league office took a road trip to Rohnert Park this past Sunday, so football viewing was kept to a minimum. Because of that, there will be no cutting on NBC's Football Night in America. I'm sure it was as stupid as usual with Olbermann at the controls, but I cannot comment on what I did not see.
• In case you haven't heard, J.T. the Brick is appalled at the way the Raiders mailed in their effort on Sunday. He also believed that the game against Denver (#3 of 16, by the way) had serious playoff implications. So, if you're following at home, J.T. is not only delusional, but he's also reached the point where he can't find something positive to say about the Silver and Black. In other news, the earth will now fly right off of its axis.

That's about it for now. Here's hoping there will be more time for football viewing this weekend. If there is, this space will be filled up with comments, quotes, and observations this time next week. Until then, don't take any wooden nickels.

The Commish

Monday Memo v4.3

On the day that the Lions won for the first time since the Bush administration, our defending champs put a little more distance between themselves and the rest of the league. Joining the Lions in rebirth are The Outlaws who are sitting at their highest point in the standings in what seems like forever.

Current Standings:
Cyclones 364.06
Team STY 358.62
The Outlaws 334.01
The Big Ragu 318.47
The Maestro 292.40
Gnomies 288.91
The Dragons 262.60
The Dominator 254.62

Monday Night Football brings with it the potential for the Cyclones to pad their lead. They will have DeAngelo Williams and Steve Smith taking the field, so they could be racking up even more points if Jake Delhomme can get his act together. The Maestro will have Tony Romo and Felix Jones trying to get him back into the mix near the top of the standings. And, The Dragons hope that Roy Williams and Jason Witten will help them get a little further away from last place. Tony Dorsett won't be holding his breath.

Before I go, I have to mention that J.T. the Brick was absolutely flummoxed yestrday at the effort the Raiders put forth against Denver. How could they, he wondered, come out and put up only 3 points in a game with early playoff implications?

Well, 3 points are about the limit for that offense. And, believing that the Raiders are playing in a game with playoff implications suggests that J.T. has some sort of mental illness.

More on Week 3 to follow tomorrow.....

The Commish

Week 3 Transactions

The Outlaws waive Glen Coffee (RB - San Francisco) and acquire Cedric Benson (RB - Cincinnati)
The Outlaws waive Chad Ochocinco (WR - Cincinnati ) and acquire Mario Manningham (WR - New York Giants)

The Maestro waives the San Diego defense and acquires the New York Giants defense

Tuesday Review v4.2

Apologies for this being late. It also won't be as comprehensive as usual. The economy has forced the league office to cut back a little, with the ax falling this week on some unfortunate staff members. It's up to you guys to help turn this around by cutting back on your consumption of fossil fuels, otherwise more people might be shown the door. Or, maybe we can set up some kind of illegal operation and have Acorn launder the money for us.

The defending champs have taken the top spot in the standings back after one week looking up at our league's newby. A solid weeek led by Chris Johnson (44.20) has pushed the Cyclones back to the top. Team STY is only a fraction of a point behind, though. Whoever drafted that team sure knows what he's doing.

Official Standings (Week 2):
Cyclones 274.33 (153.96)
Team STY 273.88 (155.27)
The Maestro 226.55 (115.12)
The Outlaws 223.32 (116.61)
The Big Ragu 221.43 (94.72)
Gnomies 217.93 (95.25)
The Dragons 196.98 (101.30)
The Dominator 176.36 (88.97)

Due to time constraints, there will be no individual team summaries this week. It must be pointed out, though, that the other six teams better close the gap on the top two, otherwise the season might only be fun for two of us.

Some quick notes:

• Week 3 lineups and waiver requests need to be in by Friday.
• You might be surprised, but the Pillow Fight of the Week wasn't Oakland 13 Kansas City 10, it was the even more horriffic Washington 9 St. Louis 7. If there is ever a week when the Missouri teams play each other while the Ohio teams are playing each other, the earth will spin right off of its axis.
• Nutrasystem seems to be helping Chris Berman, because he is definitely looking slimmer. His hair is also growing back, too. Or, maybe he's been in to see Dr. Rosinelli, too.

Have a great week....I promise to do better with the review next week.

The Commish

Monday Review v4.2

A wild week in the NFL led to some jockeying for position among the top teams in the PPFFL. Team STY sits atop the standings right now, primarily due to the arm of Drew Brees. Other teams are looking to close some ground tonight, when the Colts travel to the Landshark to face the Dolphins. The team with the best chance to take over the top spot at the end of this week is the Cyclones, who have yet to have their quarterback take the field.

Current Standings:
Team STY 252.08
The Maestro 226.55
The Big Ragu 221.43
The Outlaws 220.37
Cyclones 218.47
Gnomies 206.93
The Dragons 196.98
The Dominator 175.36

Tonight's game figures to shake up our standings a little bit. Ronnie Brown will be running for Team STY, while The Outlaws will be represented by his counterpart, Joseph Addai. The Cyclones hope Peyton Manning and Dallas Clark will lead them toward the top of the standings. The Gnomies and The Dominator, meanwhile, will be pulling for Adam Vinatieri and the Miami defense, repsectively, to put forth incredible efforts that aren't common for a kicker or defense.

More on Week 2 tomorrow, or early on Wednesday. The league office will be closed tomorrow morning while its staff is busy working on some continuing education. This is a first class operation and we here at the PPFFL Headquarters will never stop trying to learn.

The Commish

Week 2 Starting Lineups


The Big Ragu
QB: Tom Brady - NE
RB: Michael Turner - Atl
RB: Ray Rice - Bal
WR: Randy Moss - NE
WR: Marques Colston - NO
TE: Visanthe Shiancoe - Min
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: Minnesota


Gnomies
QB: Matt Ryan - Atl
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
RB: Tim Hightower - Ari
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
TE: Greg Olsen - Chi
K: Adam Vinatieri - Ind
D: Pittsburgh


Cyclones
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind
RB: DeAngelo Williams - Car
RB: Chris Johnson - Ten
WR: Steve Smith - Car
WR: Dwayne Bowe - KC
TE: Dallas Clark - Ind
K: David Akers - Phi
D: Philadelphia


Team STY
QB: Drew Brees - NO
RB: Ronnie Brown - Mia
RB: Steven Jackson - StL
WR: Andre Johnson - Hou
WR: Terrell Owens - Buf
TE: Chris Cooley - Was
K: Rob Bironas - Ten
D: Green Bay


The Maestro
QB: Aaron Rodgers - GB
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jac
RB: Frank Gore - SF
WR: Roddy White - Atl
WR: Calvin Johnson - Det
TE: John Carlson - Sea
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: San Diego


The Outlaws
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: Joseph Addai - Ind
RB: Darren Sproles - SD
WR: Antonio Bryant - TB
WR: DeSean Jackson - Phi
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Mason Crosby - GB
D: Baltimore


The Dragons
QB: Brett Favre - America
RB: Matt Forte - Chi
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
WR: Roy Williams - Dal
WR: Devin Hester - Chi
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: Arizona


The Dominator
QB: Phillip Rivers - SD
RB: Clinton POrtis - Was
RB: Willie Parker - Pit
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
WR: T.J. Houshmanzadeh - Sea
TE: Tony Gonzalez - Atl
K: Neil Rackers - Ari
D: Miami

Week 2 Schedule


SUN, SEP 20

Carolina at Atlanta
10:00 AM

Minnesota at Detroit
10:00 AM

Cincinnati at Green Bay
10:00 AM

Houston at Tennessee
10:00 AM

Oakland at Kansas City
10:00 AM

New England at NY Jets
10:00 AM

New Orleans at Philadelphia
10:00 AM

St. Louis at Washington
10:00 AM

Arizona at Jacksonville
10:00 AM

Tampa Bay at Buffalo
1:05 PM

Seattle at San Francisco
1:05 PM

Pittsburgh at Chicago
1:15 PM

Baltimore at San Diego
1:15 PM

Cleveland at Denver
1:15 PM

NY Giants at Dallas
5:20 PM


MON, SEP 21

Indianapolis at Miami
5:30 PM

Tuesday Review v4.1

The first week is in the books and our newest member stands at the top of the standings. Following a season in which a brand new team won the championship, we see once again that the longer you play fantasy football, the dumber you get.

On the real gridiron, it was proven again that a player's time can be short, as a few big names came down with varying degrees of injury. Dunnavunn McNabb suffered a broken rib, but vowed not to miss any time (Andy Reid still found it necessary to sign Jeff Garcia, no doubt making Kevin Kolb feel really good about himself). Troy Polamalu injured a knee ligament, but will likely only miss about 5 weeks. Not so fortunate was Brian Urlacher, who busted up his wrist and will miss the remainder of the season.

In our fake league, there were no injuries to report from Week 1, meaning we're all getting better at sitting on the couch and not falling off when stretching to reach for the remote control.

Official Standings:
The Big Ragu 126.71
Gnomies 122.68
Cyclones 120.37
Team STY 118.61
The Maestro 111.43
The Outlaws 106.71
The Dragons 95.68
The Dominator 87.39

It appears that, with a greater number of teams, there is less of a chance for a star player to be left on the bench while someone inferior plays in his stead. Looking over the results of this week, there was only one real case where someone messed up by not playing someone. That's why Team STY takes home the "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award for Week 1 of our 4th season. They left Reggie Wayne (27.10) on the bench while Terrell Owens (4.30) pretended to be invisible against New England. Had Wayne been in the lineup, his fake team would be in first place and the intelligence of our league mainstays would not be under so much scrutiny right now.

Providing more evidence that a bunch of Polocks can be had when playing fantasy football, The Big Ragu broke out on top after one week. The arm of Tom Brady (53.01) and the hands of Randy Moss (22.05) were most responsible. How this guy was able to draft both of those players is reason why the rest of us are who we are. Heck, it was only two seasons ago that the team who drafted both of these guys won the league by about 1,975 points. Maybe we'll all catch on next season. In addition to those two, Kevin Smith (16.60) put up some good numbers, proving again that someone has to put up stats on bad teams.

Not far behind are the Gnomies. Adrian Peterson (31.90) lived up to the hype of being the #1 pick in the draft, casually throwing tacklers to the side all day in Cleveland. Browns fans probably can't wait for the weather to turn cold so that they can start throwing snowballs at Cleveland's wimpy defensive players. Matt Ryan (31.38) was solid, although not spectacular, while Greg Jennings (22.30) would have had huge numbers had Aaron Rodgers not overthrown him a half dozen times. And, this isn't a misprint, Willis McGahee (19.75) was very good as the Ravens opened up their offense and put up over 30 points on Sunday. It doesn't look like Baltimore is playing its games on a field that is 180 yards long anymore.

The defending champion Cyclones slide comfortably into 3rd place this week, on the strength of Peyton Manning (35.82) and the Philadelphia (35.00) defense. Their place is tenuous, though, because we've seen in the past that teams carried by their defense usually settle toward the bottom of the standings. DeAngelo Williams (13.95) didn't put up the types of numbers he did toward the end of last season, but, in all fairness, his QB was busy trying to become the first player ever to personally turn the ball over 10 times in one game. It will be interesting to see what this fake team does over the next couple of weeks, particularly if their defense doesn't get to face a team led by someone nicknamed "The Snake".

Possessing the early leader for 2009 PPFFL MVP, Team STY settles into the top half of the standings. Drew Brees (66.16) had one of the best weeks ever recorded in this league, illusrating the savvy of the guy who drafted this fake team. He was joined by just about nobody when it came to putting up numbers on Sunday, as Chris Cooley (16.40) and the Green Bay defense (14.00) were the only others on his squad to reach double figures. Terrell Owens (4.30) was the biggest disappointment, particularly since he said the best thing about being in Buffalo was being a Bill. Someone needs to tell him that he actually needs to catch a few passes before the fans will be feeling as good about him wearing the red, white, and blue.

Heading up the bottom half of the standings is The Maestro. It was a decent week, as nobody in the lineup really stunk; but nobody really excelled, either. John Carlson (22.75) was the biggest surprise of the week, as he had a huge game for a guy taken in the 14th round. Aaron Rodgers (23.53) could have had a tremendous performance, but overthrew a handful of open receivers down the field. Maurice Jones-Drew (17.15) and Frank Gore (17.40) put up some decent numbers while their teams struggled a little, so there is potential for this fake team to make a move in the coming weeks. Or, maybe not. Because these guys could just as likely all go into the tank.

Reversing their trend of falling hundreds of points behind in the first couple of weeks was The Outlaws. Cracking the century mark isn't something these guys usually do until around Halloween. The game that ended late last night is what propelled them into this rarified air. Darren Sproles (26.30) saved the Bolts from losing to Oakland for the first time since before half of our league owners were born. Kurt Warner (24.56) wasn't great, but has room to grow. DeSean Jackson (18.40) helped prove that not only does Carolina have a rotten offense, but their special teams stink, too.

Narrowly missing the century mark was The Dragons. They were done in by the rib injury to Dunnavunn McNabb (24.93). Fortunately, they were picked up a little by Devin Hester (16.55), Roy Williams (13.30), and Brian Westbrook (12.60). It can't be overlooked that the worst performer of all 1st round picks from our draft was Matt Forte (2.75). And, that's saying something when you consider what Antonio Bryant (3.45) did over the weekend. Hopefully for this team, Forte turns things around and doesn't turn into a blunder that will haunt his fake owner for the whole season.

Bringing up the rear is The Dominator. Loyalty only takes you so far in football, real and fake, as evidenced by the performances of some of his favorite players over the years: Clinton Portis (4.60), Willie Parker (2.20), and the Miami (3.00) defense. Fortunately, guys like Tony Gonzalez (14.65), Larry Fitzgerald (15.55), and Neil Rackers (12.00) were picking up the slack, otherwise this could have been a disasterous week. Maybe Clilnton will show up sporting the personality of the guy who can actually run the football effectively this weekend and help bring this team up from the bottom.

Notes:

• Transactions will be carried out in reverse order of the standings, so The Dominator gets first crack and The Big Ragu gets last.
• It's great to read in the Sacramento Bee today that the Raiders once again are cultivating a celebrity following...if you're talking about people you recognize but don't know their names. Ice Cube stopped being famous about ten years ago, Guy Fieri is a Food Network celebrity (and, thus unknown to most football followers), and (could the Bee columnist have been serious?) the Sacramento Monarchs are about as well known as the secret formula for the Krabby Patty. Seriously, if you want to make it sound like your favorite football team is becoming relevant again because of the celebrities that are attending games, leave out the part about the WNBA players being there.
• Al Davis, if he wasn't before, is really slipping. A few years ago, the employee in charge of handing out the field passes would have been fired for simply thinking it was a good idea to give a few to some WNBA players.
• Staying in the AFC West, if Week 1 is an indication, that division is home to the worst collection of QBs in the league, and possibly in the history of professional football. The cream of the crop, Phillip Rivers, looked horrible against what has been one of the league's worst defenses. JaMarcus Russell was even worse than Rivers last night, if that's possible. Steve Young summed it up when, during a discussion of how important it was for a QB to be accurate with his throws, he said, "Accuracy isn't really something you can work on once you're in the NFL. It's kind of like something you're born with." Apparently, when deciding whether or not to take JaMarcus with the first pick a couple of years ago, the Raiders braintrust didn't get the copy of his birth certificate that said, "wasn't born with the throwing accuracy gene". Moving on through the division, we reach Kansas City and Brody Croyle, who has lost the last 9 games he's started by two touchdowns or more. I'm nearly 40 and my shoulder is shot, but I think there might be a place for me in the NFL. Kansas City, here I come! Rounding our the crappy AFC West QBs is Kyle Orton. The name Kyle Orton is destined to one day mean "Horrible Quarterback" in the American lexicon. I can't imagine anyone being worse at their profession, with the exception of the Iraqui public information officer who talked of how well their army was doing while, in the background of his live shot, American tanks were rolling into Baghdad.
• To prove the contamination of the AFC West for QBs, look to Chicago, where Jay Cutler can't seem to get the stink off of him. He was Orton-esque on Sunday night, throwing balls like he was a player at Toledo (the team mired in the point shaving scandal a couple of years ago). With his bowl haircut and obnoxious persona, let's hope that Cutler makes everyone in Chicago soon wish they were back in the days of Rex Grossman.

Well, that about wraps things up for Week 1. In the coming weeks we will be bursting with more information, particularly on some of the media, national and local. Because, what's a good website without someone busting on Peaches Naper occasionally?

Get your lineups in and remember our mantra:

Do great things.

The Commish

Monday Memo v4.1

We've reached the first Monday in the season and it has been all that we expected. The Lions still can't win, Jake Delhomme still can't hold onto the ball, and trading your crummy quarterback for another quarterback doesn't help you if the guy you got in return is bad, too (see the Cutler for Orton deal).

It was also time for another year of Football Night in America, the weekly cavalcade of semi-stars trotted out by NBC. It was great this week to see Bob Costas on location at Lambeau, interviewing Roger Goodell. The Commissioner, reputed to be a man of better than average build, no doubt was asked to sit on a stool similar to those used by the Ball Dudes at AT&T Park. This is so he would be able to look Costas in the eye during the interview and not have to look straight down to see the diminutive one.

Current Standings:
Gnomies 122.68
Cyclones 120.37
Team STY 114.31
The Dragons 95.68
The Maestro 95.43
The Outlaws 71.26
The Dominator 60.40
The Big Ragu 44.65

There will be a lot of action in the PPFFL tonight, as our teams jockey for position. Team STY will be looking for Terrell Owens to have a big opening week for the Bills. If he does, they should vault into the lead at the 1/17th point of the season. The Maestro will be hoping for a score resembling 45-12 in Oakland, where Sebastian Janikowski kicks 4 fifty yarders while the Charger defense is busy turning Oakland giveaways into touchdowns. The Outlaws are hoping the Raider defense will be as pourous as usual, as they send Darren Sproles and Antonio Gates out onto the gridiron. The Dominator will be hoping that Oakland keeps it close for awhile so that Phillip Rivers can continue throwing the ball into the second half. And, the guy looking to make the biggest move will be The Big Ragu. If things go the way they did on 2007, he'll shoot up the leaderboard as Tom Brady and Randy Moss team up on many TDs. He'll also have Nate Kaeding, who will likely be kicking a lot of PATs tonight.

A full recap of Week 1 tomorrow.....

Week 1 Starting Lineups

Cyclones
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind
RB: Chris Johnson - Ten
RB: DeAngelo Williams - Car
WR: Steve Smith - Car
WR: Dwayne Bowe - KC
TE: Dallas Clark - Ind
K: David Akers - Phi
D: Philadelphia


The Maestro
QB: Aaron Rodgers - GB
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jac
RB: Frank Gore - SF
WR: Calvin Johnson - Det
WR: Roddy White - Atl
TE: John Carlson - Sea
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: San Diego


The Dragons
QB: Dunnavunn McNabb - Phi
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
RB: Matt Forte - Chi
WR: Roy Williams - Dal
WR: Devin Hester - Chi
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: Arizona


Team STY
QB: Drew Brees - NO
RB: Steven Jackson - StL
RB: Ronnie Brown - Mia
WR: Terrell Owens - Buf
WR: Andre Johnson - Hou
TE: Chris Cooley - Was
K: Rob Bironas - Ten
D: Green Bay


The Dominator
QB: Phillip Rivers - SD
RB: Clinton Portis - Was
RB: Willie Parker - Pit
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
WR: T.J. Houshmanzadeh - Sea
TE: Tony Gonzalez - Atl
K: Neil Rackers - Ari
D: Miami


Gnomies
QB: Matt Ryan - Atl
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
RB: Willis McGahee - Bal
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
TE: Greg Olsen - Chi
K: Adam Vinatieri - Ind
D: Pittsburgh


The Outlaws
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: Joseph Addai - Ind
RB: Darren Sproles - SD
WR: Antonio Bryant - TB
WR: DeSean Jackson - Phi
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Mason Crosby - GB
D: Baltimore


The Big Ragu
QB: Tom Brady - NE
RB: Michael Turner - Atl
RB: Kevin Smith - Det
WR: Randy Moss - NE
WR: Marques Colston - NO
TE: Visanthe Shiancoe - Min
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: Minnesota

Scoring Summary

To help our newest member, The Big Ragu, following are the scoring rules for this here fake football league:

Quarterbacks:
Completions (1)
Incomplete Passes (-.5)
Passing Yards (50 yards per point; 3 points at 300 yards)
Passing Touchdowns (6)
Interceptions (-2)

Running Backs/Wide Receivers/Tight Ends:
Rushing Yards (20 yards per point; 3 points at 100 yards)
Rushing Touchdowns (6)
Receptions (1)
Reception Yards (20 yards per point; 3 points at 100 yards)
Reception Touchdowns (6)

Misc:
Return Yards (20 yards per point; 3 points at 100 yards)
Return Touchdowns (6)
2-Point Conversions (2)
Fumbles Lost (-2)
Offensive Fumble Return TD (6)

Kickers:
Field Goals 0-19 Yards (3)
Field Goals 20-29 Yards (3)
Field Goals 30-39 Yards (3)
Field Goals 40-49 Yards (4)
Field Goals 50+ Yards (5)
Field Goals Missed 0-19 Yards (-3)
Field Goals Missed 20-29 Yards (-2)
Field Goals Missed 30-39 Yards (-1)
Point After Attempt Made (1)
Point After Attempt Missed (-3)

Defense/Special Teams:
Sack (1)
Interception (2)
Fumble Recovery (2)
Touchdown (6)
Safety (2)
Block Kick (2)
Kickoff and Punt Return Touchdowns (6)
Points Allowed 0 points (10)
Points Allowed 1-6 points (7)
Points Allowed 7-13 points (4)
Points Allowed 14-20 points (1)
Points Allowed 21-27 points (0)
Points Allowed 28-34 points (-1)
Points Allowed 35+ points (-4)

Week 1 Schedule


THU, SEP 10

Tennessee at Pittsburgh
5:30 PM


SUN, SEP 13

Miami at Atlanta
10:00 AM

Denver at Cincinnati
10:00 AM

Minnesota at Cleveland
10:00 AM

Jacksonville at Indianapolis
10:00 AM

Detroit at New Orleans
10:00 AM

Dallas at Tampa Bay
10:00 AM

Philadelphia at Carolina
10:00 AM

Kansas City at Baltimore
10:00 AM

NY Jets at Houston
10:00 AM

Washington at NY Giants
1:15 PM

San Francisco at Arizona
1:15 PM

St. Louis at Seattle
1:15 PM

Chicago at Green Bay
5:20 PM


MON, SEP 14

Buffalo at New England
4:00 PM

San Diego at Oakland
7:15 PM

Draft 2009

Well, it's been a long time since we've gotten together to do this owning and running a fake football team thing. It must have been a busy year for all of us, because we couldn't hold the fake draft until less than a week before the real season started. I guess that's a testament to how important we have all become.

As you all know, since you were all there or connected via high tech means to the proceedings (well almost all of you), our draft was conducted with fanfare that is usually reserved for gatherings of world leaders or the Jonas Brothers.

The draft was held later than normal, however, so our list of available guest commentators was limited. Mel Kiper, Jr., last year's guest analyst turned us down because of the short notice, as did Cris Collinsworth and Howie Long. Terry Bradshaw was busy performing his extensive library of original country music songs at Trailer Aid 2009 (a cheap rip off of Farm Aid, geared toward people whose double wides are in need of work). Chris Berman wanted to be here, but Labor Day is when he sets aside time to feed for the upcoming winter. That's right, he devotes a whole three day weekend to wolfing down brontosaurus burgers and sides of beef to get a nice layer of meat on him before the temperatures on the Bristol campus turn south.

Most of our local celebrities were of no help, either, as Peaches Napear turned us down when he heard that Eli Manning wasn't drafted in the first round. He also didn't like it when I asked him where in the heck one could find the city of Gween Bay on a map. Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson was out of the office and unavailable for comment. That's probably because he was scouring the midtown bars trying to find his #1 aide, and Sacramento's #1 smart aleck drunk, R.E. Graswich. Kings owners Joe and Gavin Maloof wanted to be here, but they are still grounded for running their NBA franchise into the ground, even though they had the most talent in the league 5 seasons ago.

That leaves us with one local celebrity who was willing to help out. And, although one would think that gargantuan talk show host Mike Lamb would also be spending this weekend packing on another layer of insulation for the cold months ahead, he was more than willing to help because, as he said when I called, "I pack on the weight 24 hours a day. I don't need a special occasion to devour a turkey leg or canned ham."

So, without further ado, here are the results of this year's draft, with the painfully obvious analysis of one Mike Lamb interspersed. Oh, and that lunar eclipse isn't really an eclipse. It's Lamb's head blocking the moon when he steps outside to get a better cell phone connection.

Round drafted in parenthesees

Gnomies
QB: Matt Ryan - Atlanta (2)
QB: Jay Cutler - Chicago (8)
RB: Adrian Peterson _ Minnesota (1)
RB: Brandon Jacobs - New York Giants (4)
RB: Willis McGahee - Baltimore (11)
RB: Tim Hightower - Arizona (12)
WR: Greg Jennings - Green Bay (3)
WR: Anquan Boldin - Arizona (5)
WR: Santonio Holmes - Pittsburgh (6)
WR: Vincent Jackson - San Diego (10)
TE: Greg Olson - Chicago (7)
TE: Heath Miller - Pittsburgh (14)
K: Adam Vinatieri - Indianapolis (13)
D: Pittsburgh (9)

Lamby's Take: "This team got a steal taking Adrian Peterson. I can't believe so many other teams passed on him. They also have great balance with two quarterbacks, four running backs, four wide receivers, two tight ends, a kicker and a defense. I really like the way this team stacks up. The only downside I see is the lack of Raiders on the roster. You don't like to pass up guys from such an explosive offense."


Team STY

QB: Drew Brees - New Orleans (1)
QB: Eli Manning - New York Giants (11)
RB: Steven Jackson - St. Louis (3)
RB: Ronnie Brown - Miami (6)
RB: Marshawn Lynch - Buffalo (7)
RB: Thomas Jones - New York Jets (10)
WR: Andre Johnson - Houston (2)
WR: Reggie Wayne - Indianapolis (4)
WR: Terrell Owens - Buffalo (5)
WR: Braylon Edwards - Cleveland (9)
TE: Chris Cooley - Washington (8)
TE: Dustin Keller - New York Jets (13)
K: Rod Bironas - Tennessee (12)
D: Green Bay (14)

Lamby's Take: "Wow. I look at this draft and I wonder if the GM for this team was even there. I mean, I really like the way they got Brees early on....it's a steal as far as I'm concerned when so many other teams passed on him. And Braylon Edwards...well all I have to say about him is that if I had a baby, and someone had to save that baby by throwing him out of the fourth floor window of a burning building....I want Braylon Edwards down there to catch that baby. Because, what's the worst that can happen? Based on his track record in football, Braylon is going to get his hands on the baby. He might not catch the baby, but by getting his hands on the baby the worst the baby is going to get is a little brain damage, and I can live with that."

The Dominator
QB: Phillip Rivers - San Diego (2)
QB: Matt Schaub - Houston (7)
RB: Clinton Portis - Washington (4)
RB: Willie Parker - Pittsburgh (6)
RB: Johnathan Stewart - Carolina (10)
RB: Ryan Grant - Green Bay (13)
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Arizona (1)
WR: T.J. Houshmanzadeh - Seattle (5)
WR: Jerricho Cotchery - New York Jets (9)
WR: Hines Ward - Pittsburgh (12)
TE: Tony Gonzalez - Atlanta (3)
TE: Owen Daniels - Houston (8)
K: Neil Rackers - Arizona (14)
D: Miami (11)

Lamby's Take: "What can you say about Larry Fotzgerald? I mean, after what he did in the postseason last year, he's a steal where this team got him. I also like Hines Ward. He's a glue guy to me. He just knows how to play football. Watch the action away from the ball sometime and you'll see Hines Ward playing football the way the guys played it back in the old days. He'll be wearing a leather helmet and shoes laced all the way up to his knees and he'll be cut blocking some DB, then punching him with a set of brass knuckles when the guy falls to the ground. That's the way football used to be played and that's how Owen Daniels plays today."


The Big Ragu
QB: Tom Brady - New England (1)
QB: Mark Sanchez - New York Jets (13)
RB: Michael Turner - Atlanta (2)
RB: Steve Slaton - Houston (4)
RB: Kevin Smith - Detroit (6)
RB: Ray Rice - Baltimore (8)
WR: Randy Moss - New England (3)
WR: Marques Colston - New Orleans (5)
WR: Eddie Royal - Denver (7)
WR: Percy Harvin - Minnesota (10)
TE: Visanthe Sciancoe - Minnesota (9)
TE: Vernon Davis - San Francisco (12)
K: Nate Kaeding - San Diego (14)
D: Minnesota (11)

Lamby's Take: "You know what I call Toim Brady here? A steal. Okay, the guy is coming off of a major injury that cost him a whole year, but he's Tom Brady for crying out loud. I talked to a friend of mine who works in the front office of an NFL team and he said that over the summer a heatwave in the New England area killed some the grass on the front lawn of one of Brady's neighbors. Well, you know what? Tom Brady walked over to the guy's house, stood on the lawn for about ten minutes, and the lawn suddenly looked like the grass on the 50 yard line ofthe Oakland Coliseum."


The Dragons
QB: Dunnavunn McNabb - Philadelphia (8)
QB: Brett Favre - Minnesota (11)
RB: Matt Forte - Chicago (1)
RB: Brian Westbrook - Philadelphia (2)
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - San Diego (3)
RB: Marion Barber, III - Dallas (5)
WR: Devin Hester - Chicago (8)
WR: Roy Williams - Dallas (9)
WR: Bernard Berrian - Minnesota (10)
WR: Michael Crabtree - Unsigned (12)
TE: Jason Witten - Dallas (4)
TE: Kellen Winslow - Tampa Bay (6)
K: Joe Nedney - San Francisco (14)
D: Arizona (13)

Lamby's Take: "Gosh, after what Matt Forte did last season, how could he last so long in this draft? He could be the steal of the year, right there. You know what I really like about this team's draft? The order of it. Running backs at the beginning, then tight ends, then wide receivers, then a couple of quarterbacks, then the rest. It's how I like to eat a meal. First I like to have the bowl of salad, then I like to eat the loaf of bread, then the whole head of steamed cabbage. Once I get through all of that, I like to eat the turkey, then wash it down with the gravy. Then a dozen or so ears of corn and a pepperoni pizza. Finally, a gallon of ice cream and a sheet cake and it's time for my next meal."


The Outlaws
QB: Kurt Warner - Arizona (2)
QB: Carson Palmer - Cincinnati (6)
RB: Joseph Addai - Indianapolis (3)
RB: Derrick Ward - Tampa Bay (7)
RB: Glen Coffey - San Francisco (13)
RB: Darren Sproles - San Diego (14)
WR: Antonio Bryant - Tampa Bay (1)
WR: DeSean Jackson - Philadelphia (5)
WR: Chad Ochocinco - Cincinnati (11)
WR: Santana Moss - Washington (12)
TE: Antonio Gates - San Diego (4)
TE: Donald Lee - Green Bay (8)
K: Mason Crosby - Green Bay (9)
D: Baltimore (10)

Lamby's Take: "I really like this draft. You don't get a guy like Bryant in the first round unless you're doing some serious homework. That's a steal. I mean, not only do you get a guy who will be catching passes from an elite passer and eater like Byron Leftwich, you're also getting a guy who can get liquored up and drive 60 mph over the speed limit. He's a real versatile receiver in that regard. If this team can somehow swing a trade to get Kellen Winslow, Jr. and his rocket powered motorcycle, the rest of the league better look out. I mean, you wouldn't know when it's safe to step off the curb with those two guys driving in your town."


The Maestro
QB: Aaron Rodgers - Green Bay (2)
QB: Tony Romo - Dallas (6)
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jacksonville (3)
RB: Frank Gore - San Francisco (4)
RB: LenDale White - Tennessee (11)
RB: Felix Jones - Dallas (12)
WR: Calvin Johnson - Detroit (1)
WR: Roddy White - Atlanta (5)
WR: Wes Welker - New England (7)
WR: Anthony Gonzalez - Indianapolis (9)
TE: Zach Miller - Oakland (8)
TE: John Carlson - Seattle (14)
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oakland (10)
D: San Diego (13)

Lamby's Take: "Who drafted this team, Stevie Wonder? Man, taking a guy that plays for a team that didn't win a game last year with your first pick really isn't too smart. And, what's the deal with taking Romo? Doesn't this guy know that T.O. isn't in Dallas anymore? Who is he going to throw to if there aren't any wide receivers on the team? What is smart, though, is stocking up on the Raiders. Miller and Janikowski were steals where he got them. Another thing I like about this draft is the way he drafted LenDale White. I once went to a buffet in Westwood with him and we cleaned that place out. I swear, because of a couple of Trojans, the kids going to UCLA weren't able to eat for a week."


Cyclones
QB: Peyton Manning - Indianapolis (1)
QB: Ben Roethlisberger - Pittsburgh (10)
RB: DeAngelo Williams - Carolina (2)
RB: Chris Johnson - Tennessee (4)
RB: Darren McFadden - Oakland (5)
RB: Reggie Bush - New Orleans (8)
WR: Steve Smith - Carolina (3)
WR: Dwayne Bowe - Kansas City (7)
WR: Torry Holt - Jacksonville (12)
WR: Derrick Mason - Baltimore (13)
TE: Dallas Clark - Indianapolis (6)
TE: Anthony Fasano - Miami (11)
K: David Akers - Philadelphia (14)
D: Philadelphia (9)

Lamby's Take: "This draft had more steals than any others. Peyton Manning in the first round? Are you kidding me? How can anyone pass on that guy? Darren McFadden in the 5th round? Are you serious? The best athlete in the draft lasts that long? Isn't this cool? Have you ever seen anyone speak using only questions? Aren't I awesome? Would you like to watch me eat my weight in Milk Duds right now?"

While Mike straps on the feed bag full of Milk Duds, I'll wrap this one up. Week 1 is rapidly approaching, so get your lineups in. A full schedule for the week will be posted shortly. So, as we prepare for the footballs to start flying around our greatest stadiums, remember this:

Do great things, gentlemen....

The Commish