Tuesday Review v3.9Week 9 was a wheezer for the PPFFL, as nobody reached 100 points for the week (although,
The Dragons came reeeeaaaaaaalllllllyyyyy close). The
Cyclones maintained their lead, but it was chipped into a bit when Ben Roethlisberger went out at halftime with a shoulder injury. The fact that he wasn't playing well was probably a good thing, as he definitely had the potential to pull at least a half-Grossman last night.
Further down in the standings,
The Maestro made it to the geographic center of the league, which is quite an accomplishment when you consider how the first 8 weeks went for our defending champ. The battle for fourth place looks to stay tight for awhile, as
The Dominator and
Team STY are within a TD of taking over 4th themselves.
Official Standings:Cyclones 1,007.32 (86.25)The Dragons 966.14 (99.99)Gnomies 939.22 (86.57)The Maestro 877.11 (97.78)The Dominator 872.01 (89.99)Team STY 871.84 (61.49)The Outlaws 754.42 (85.08)The
Gnomies take home the "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award for Week 9. They kept Chad Ocho Cinco (18.85) on the bench while starting Greg Jennings (6.95). This decision didn't carry the impact of the decisions singled out for Weeks 7 and 8, but it did put this team closer to 4th place than it is to 1st. These guys were fighting for the top spot just a few short weeks ago, and now they are going to have to do some work to stay out of the second division. Regarding Mr. Ocho Cinco, he deserves a hand for finally doing something on the field that warranted some mention. Most people outside of Cincinnati probably thought he had been hurt all season, while those in the Queen City were likely wishing he had been hurt. COC just proves the axiom of "when you rely on a guy who is only in it for himself, you get a guy who is only in it for himself". Hasn't it been a banner year for all of those receivers who only care about how they personally look at the end of play on Sundays? Terrell Owens and Randy Moss are the poster boys for the me-first attitude. This year that's getting them about 4 catches and 30 yards per game with a touchdown about every three weeks. Those are numbers, by the way, that COC would kill for right now.
Going into last night, the
Cyclones had the only realistic chance of busting through the 100 point barrier for the week. Unfortunately, their QB didn't put up the numbers usually expected from one of the more competent guys in the league. Ben Roethlisberger (4.05), subbing for PPFFL mid-season MVP Drew Brees (who was no doubt spending his bye week casually strolling the streets of New Orleans, paying close attention so as not to step on homeless people or in human waste), had the type of game one would expect from guys named O'Sullivan, Orlovsky, and, yes, Grossman. Fortunately for this fake team, Chris Johnson (20.05) and Calvin Johnson (18.40) picked up the slack.
{If I were a lame headline writer, I would have titled this summary "Johnson and Johnson Stop the Bleeding for Cyclones"} Solid contributions were also garnered from David Akers (15.00) and the Ravens defense (11.00). In what could have been a rough week where everyone chasing them got a lot closer, the rest of the league struggled, leaving them a nice lead with Brees coming back into the lineup. This may have been a golden opportunity lost for....
...
The Dragons, who came a gnat's whisker from being the only team in triple digits for the week. Kurt Warner (39.24) continues to prove the critics wrong and his buzz cutted wife right on a weekly basis. As the NFL is a league of copycats, it's astonishing that other teams haven't been sending their 2nd and 3rd string quarterbacks to work bagging groceries in the offseason. At the very least, you would think teams would have these guys handling live snakes during church revivals while scanning the pews looking for the hottest woman with the shortest haircut. The 31 teams outside of Arizona are really dropping the ball on this one, and have been doing so for the last decade. Back to the fake football for a minute, Andre Johnson (13.10) has really turned into a solid contributor, meaning the Texans are slightly more relevant than they usually are, since most people outside of Houston believe the Texans are the team Jim Kelly signed with when he jumped to the USFL. Brian Westbrook (10.80) wasn't his usual self in Week 9, probably because his feelings were hurt when he was informed that the biggest Eagles fan on the West Coast played his backup in a fantasy league last week. As he headed from the locker room to the team bus, he was reportedly heard saying, "If he thinks Correll is so great, then he must be thrilled that I did about three times better than him today. In fact, maybe next week I'll do exactly what Correll does...sit on my big butt and watch someone good gain all of the yards and score all of the touchdowns." Dunnavunn McNabb then came over to console Westbrook, pointing out that the same Eagles fan didn't even draft him this year, instead opting for a graying holy roller who is married to someone who looks like she should be holding up a "No on 8" sign somewhere in Berkeley.
Trying to stay in the hunt are the
Gnomies. This team was once on top of the league, but are now trying to regroup after another lackluster week. In a league where QBs bring home the bacon, Brett Favre (16.42) instead brought home bacon flavored tofu. Tofacon, if you will. Adrian Peterson (15.95) and Steve Slaton (13.90) continued to put up solid numbers in the backfield, and were helped by T.J. Houshmanzadeh (10.25). There must have been one heck of a party in the Bengals' locker room on Sunday. For the first time all season, somebody besides the guy returning kickoffs got to put up some decent fantasy numbers. Thier victory over the Jaguars left the Lions as the only winless team in the league. The Lions opponent in Week 10: none other than those same Jags. If the Jags, a team that made a solid playoff run last season, were to lose to winless teams in consecutive weeks in the middle of the season, it would be a real head-scratcher. A head-scratcher along the lines of a 7'0" tall NBA starting power forward snatching all of 4 rebounds over the course of 4 games. And, yes, we're talking about you, Mikki Moore. Your performance thus far has been as irrelevant as Joe Biden was before Barry O tabbed him to be V.P.
Leading the pack of teams hoping to make the second half of the season uncomfortable for those in front of them is
The Maestro. It would be nice to say that our defending champ finally found a successful formula, but that's not the case. Instead, this team simply had a less bad week than most everyone else. Peyton Manning (36.08) has begun to play better as we head into the second half of the season, so there is at least a sliver of hope that this team can find some consistency. The Pittsburgh (20.00) defense also came up big, and kept this week from being a big disappointment. Both running backs found the end zone for this team for the first time all season, as Ronnie Brown (13.45) and Maurice Jones-Drew (13.65) did the trick, but there was nearly no production from wide receivers DeSean Jackson (5.65) and Devin Hester (8.95). There was literally no production from L.J. Smith (DNP) who didn't play and watched his backup's backup have a career day. Sebastian Janikowski (0.00), meanwhile, only got to step on the field for the opening kickoff, as the Raiders were humiliated by Atlanta, in a game that deserves its own section of the summary.
A few points further back is
The Dominator. When the opening kickoff boomed in Washington last night, this team was the odds on favorite to be in 4th place when the clock showed all zeroes for the last time. Instead, Clinton Portis (13.20) and Santana Moss (2.70) failed to match the production of the Steelers defense and kept this team in 5th place for another week. Jay Cutler (28.24) was back in action, but failed to approach his early season numbers, probably because he wasn't facing the passive defenses of Oakland or San Diego. Anquan Boldin (16.65) seems to have recovered from a scary face injury suffered a few weeks ago. The Minnesota defense (12.00) had a solid day and Tony Gonzalez (10.10) found his way into double figures. At first glance, you would think this fake team had a solid week, but closer inspection shows a bunch of guys who did okay, but not great....kind of following with the theme for the season so far....for just about every PPFFL team.
Suffering through the worst of Week 9 was
Team STY. This team has hit the skids since Tony Romo broke his pinky and handed the reigns to Eli Manning (25.44). Romo's imjury seems to have crippled the Dallas offense, hurting former stud Marion Barber III (3.10) more than anyone. If not for a good game from Braylon Edwards (14.30) this team could have found itself in no man's land. As it stands now, they still have a good shot to recover and play their way into the middle of the standings. Romo can't come back quickly enough, but even his presence might not be able to save the Cowboys' season. T.O. has practically gone into Operation Shutdown, and you can almost feel sorry for the guy; you know, if he wasn't such a selfish malcontent. Jerry Jones must have thought Romo was a relative of Iron Man, as he didn't exactly go out and find himself quality backups for his franchise player. Jerry with the tightly stretched face might want to take a page from the book of Mike Leach, Texas Tech's coach, who found himself a kicker when a student won a contest at halftime of one of the Red Raiders' early season games. Jerry should open Texas Stadium up on a Tuesday and offer anyone who can walk upright a chance to throw three passes to targets set up on the field. It is my contention that upwards of 5,000 people would prove they are more qualified than Brad Johnson and Brooks Bollinger to play QB for the Cowboys. In other words, that many people would be able to throw a ball outside of their own shadows, something Johnson and Bollinger seem incapable of doing (in all fairness to Bollinger, he spent his whole collegiate career handing the ball off to Ron Dayne, so Sunday was probably the first time in his adult life he was actually asked to throw the ball). A random drawing could be held to pick the 3 people to suit up for the following game and keep things interesting until Romo comes back.
Finishing in the middle of the pack for the week were
The Outlaws. Aaron Rodgers (24.33), the Giants defense (16.00), Brandon Jacobs (14.85), and Chris Cooley (11.90) were the main contributors. It was a solid week for a team that has struggled mightily at times, and would have been better if not for a plethora of drops from Green Bay's receivers. Rodgers played a heck of a game and kept the Pack in it against the unbeaten Titans, after receiving a nice contract extension earlier in the week. Do you think he's gotten over the disappointment of sliding from a potential #1 overall pick to #24 a few years ago? Since he's a local guy, I can honestly say I'm happy he was not taken by the Niners, who instead opted for the guy with hands the size of an elf, Alex Smith. Nobody, not even Joe Montana in his prime, would have been successful with the recent Niner teams, so it's nice that the local kid went to a team that could be competitive when it was his time, while keeping him from getting his brains scrambled on a weekly basis. Cry not for Alex Smith, though. He has about 35 million things to soften the beatings he's absorbed over the past 4 seasons. Plus, with guys like Brooks Bollinger in the league, there will be a place for him on somebody's roster somewhere in the league.
Notes:- The NFL Network is blessing us with one of their Gumbelievable Thursday night games this week, so roster changes and starting lineups need to be submitted as soon as possible.
- In political news, Barry Obama has just been declared the winner of the 2008 Presidential election, thereby becoming the 44th President of the United States of America. Here's hoping he's able to achieve something positive for our great land (although, things aren't nearly as bad as all the chronic whiners in our country would like everyone to believe). If he can persuade our corrupt and inept national government to do anything productive, then maybe he is as brilliant as Oprah wants us to believe. More than likely, he'll make bold pronouncements that never come to fruition and he'll end up floundering just like about 35 of the previous 43 presidents did. In our government, where special interests make all of the decisions through the deeds of the Senators and Congressment that they pay to get elected, the only really positive change comes in the aftermath of something horrible. The populace totally unifies only when we are shocked collectively as a nation. If Joe Biden is right, and someone out there in the world decides test our seemingly naive and inexperienced Chief Executive by attacking us, then the change Barry promised might come about...even if he has to drop some bombs on rogue states before sitting down and having hot cocoa with their psycho leaders.
- Speaking of psycho leaders, how about them Raiders? Three first downs in a whole game from a team is what you usually see in a Playstation 2 game between USC and Prairie View A&M. This team has gotten to be so bad that their opponents appear to be letting up on them after awhile. How else to explain Atlanta not scoring in the final 3 quarters after driving for easy scores on their first 4 possessions? Even the biggest Raider haters have to feel a little bad for them right now. The world famous Raider fans, even at their delusional best, have to be close to the breaking point. When you consider the ineptitude of the Niners, you have some really stinky football being played in Northern California. In fact, if you combined both teams by taking their best players from each position, you still wouldn't have a team that could win 8 games. Both teams have horrible offensive and defensive lines; way below average quarterbacks and wide receivers; pretty good running backs; decent linebackers; and cover your eyes awful defensive backs. Heck, the only interesting battles for a job in this scenario would be between the punters and kickers. Northern California football fans, we have definitely hit rock bottom. Actually, we hit rock bottom about two years ago and have been wallowing in our own funk ever since.
- Add the Giants, A's, and now the Kings and Warriors to the mix, and 2008-2009 looks like less than a banner year for these parts. Is there something in the water? Let's examine each case individually:
Giants: Brian Sabean somehow mixed up his player wish list for the Giants with the player wish list for an upcoming Giants fantasy camp. Or, he somehow got a kickback from AARP for signing so many guys who were closing in on retirement.
A's: Billy Beane is a genius in that he blows off a couple of years, making expectations so low that he can surprise everyone with few 85 win seasons. He's obviously looking at 2010 as the next year that he can puff out his chest about his competitive team that is only being paid a collective $7.5 million.
Warriors: The owner has decided to start pinching pennies and appointed someone with no knowledge of sports to keep Chris Mullin from awarding contracts like the one he gave to Adonal Foyal. Don Nelson might or might not be drunk when the ball is tipped every night. Stephen Jackson is the man this year, meaning Stephen Jackson is the man this year. Corey Maggette, second only to Shareef Abdur Rahim when it comes to putting up good stats on lame teams, was the team's biggest addition of the offseason.
Kings: This is going to be a long season. Someone needs to tell Reggie Theus that, in a rebuilding year, it is not practical to play crappy veterans at the expense of promising youngsters. If Mikki Moore, Shelden Williams, or Bobby Jackson play long enough to break a sweat, then they're playing too much. Also, what kind of management schedules Disney on Ice for the first week of the season? Are the Maloofs that desperate for a buck? Wait, don't answer that question.
And, with that, the summary on this most historical of nights is complete. Until next time, be safe, and may you get everything you wish for. I, personally, will be getting a job in the front office of the New York Yankees, while also getting a $23 million advance to publish a collection of these fantasy football summaries. At least, that's what President Obama said to me in an email exchange we had a couple of months ago when I asked why I should vote for him. If you ask me, I'm making out way better than the lady who said she wouldn't have to pay for gas or her mortgage anymore. Now, if I could just find those emails.....
Do great things, gentlemen...and boys.
The Commish
