Tuesday Review v3.17

*It's not Tuesday, but there's no Monday Night Football this week, so, for the purposes of recapping the week of real and fake football, it might as well be Tuesday.

The drama, suspense, and excitement of Week 17 in the NFL was not duplicated in the PPFFL, as the Cyclones closed out their championship run with the best score in the last week of the season. Youth was served in our fake little league, as the combined ages of our champion's owners (Brady - 9, Will - 9, Jack - 8) fall well short of the ages of our first two champions. Their ages also roughly equal what the Kings shot from the floor last night at Arco against the Celtics.

The Maestro followed last season's championship with a 2nd place finish, holding off The Dragons. The Dominator moved past Team STY in Week 17 to end the season as the PPFFL's equator. The Gnomies finished 6th after being strong for the first 14 weeks, while The Outlaws surged in the last quarter of the season to ensure that every team in this fake league scored over 1,600 points.

Final Standings (Week 17):
Cyclones 1,904.19 (123.87)
The Maestro 1,809.47 (102.95)
The Dragons 1,773.96 (105.81)
The Dominator 1,702.95 (104.52)
Team STY 1,696.73 (69.56)
Gnomies 1,649.00 (66.16)
The Outlaws 1,601.23 (82.79)

The team-by-team summaries will be short today, as there was little excitement in Week 17 and a full season review will be posted soon.

The champion Cyclones effectively wrapped things up when the schedule maker placed the Patriots in a stadium where the players and fans were enjoying winds gusting upward of 75 mph, while Drew Brees (53.22) and the Saints were playing in a dome. Brees nearly broke the single season record for passing yardage in a losing cause for his real team, but a title clinching effort for his fake team. Larry Fitzgerald (26.50) and LaDainian Tomlinson (22.80) chipped in with big games, as their fake team won going away.

The Maestro acquired and started Matt Cassel (7.51) in Week 17, unaware that the Patriots/Bills collision was going to be played in ugly conditions. Days like yesterday make you wonder why anyone would want to live in Buffalo. It's probably a nice city with some really nice people living there. Is that enough, though, to have to endure the bitter cold and wind? The winters must seem like they last for 9 months. Then, you get to the warmer months and have to deal with high humidity. Buffalo's city motto should be "It's really cold in the winter, but it gets really hot and sticky in the summer."

Completing their second upper division finish in a row are The Dragons. Kurt Warner (38.76) bounced back from his horriffic Week 16 to save some face against another of the NFC West's weak sisters. If only the Cardinals could play the Seahawks in the wild card round of the playoffs, the Rams in the divisional round, and the Niners in the conference championship, they might make it to the Super Bowl. Instead, they will be playing Atlanta this weekend at the Giant Sauguaro and will likely get routed on their own turf in their first playoff appearance at home since the team wore leather helmets. Okay, that's an exaggeration and not true, it just seems like they last hosted a playoff game that long ago.

The Dominator has seen it all in the final standings, as he finished near the top in Season 1, at the bottom in Season 2, and lands smack dab in the middle this season. His Week 17 was punctuated by watching Jay Cutler (38.52) launch pass after pass in a 31 point loss that finished a 3-week span where the Broncos went 0-3 and blew a 3-game lead in the standings. The most tan rat-human in the world, otherwise known as Denver coach Mike Shanahan, has done very little of note since John Elway left town to play golf and give motivaitonal speeches full time. His last real accomplishment was continuing to embarrass the Raiders and Al Davis on an annual basis (owning to the fact that he was Lane Kiffin when Kiffin was in junior high school and vowed to exact vengeance on Davis as long as he lived). The annual beatings of the Raiders continued as usual on the first Monday of the season, but ended abruptly in Week 12 when the Raiders came to Mile High and won 31-10. If you're not making the playoffs and you're not whipping on the Raiders anymore, what real purpose do you serve as a coach in Denver?

The leader of the bottom feeders is Team STY. This team looked tremendous at times, but just couldn't sustain anything significant during the season. Kind of like their QB Tony Romo (10.21) and his real team. The Cowboys did more than get pantsed in Philadelphia yesterday. They went into a winner goes to the playoffs game and got stripped, tarred, feathered, and tied to a tree. If you think it couldn't get worse, it did, as Romo reportedly collapsed in the shower after the game. Boy, how things can turn in a hurry. Early in the season, Romo was an MVP candidate. Then, he broke a pinky and was out for a couple of weeks. He came back to right the ship, to the delight of everyone but Terrell Owens. Then, with the playoff hopes of the team on the line, he gave the game away in Pittsburgh, beat the defending champs, stunk until it was too late against Baltimore, then took the gas pipe in Philadelphia and collapsed in the shower. A roller coaster ride, indeed.

If the season only lasted 12 weeks, the Gnomies would be patting each other on the back over a great year. Instead, they're in the same boat as their QB, Brett Favre (16.76). They're all great Ameicans, but they're all sitting at home wondering where in the heck things went wrong. It was a joyride early on, as the old man seemed to find the legs and arm of his youth. As the weather got colder and the games piled up, though, things went south for Favre's real team, as well as his fake one. It also didn't help this fake team to be so reliant on players from the Packers, a team that went 6-10.

There's an old football saying that goes, "You can't win a championship in September, but you sure can lose one". Nobody backed that up like The Outlaws this season. Week 1 was one for the history books as far as futility goes, and it didn't get much better through the first quarter of the season. Unfortunately, this fake team wasn't in a division as weak as their QB Phillip Rivers (29.19). His real team was able to recover from a bad start to win the division on the last night of the season. His fake team, however, was just too far behind when the leaves began to change color, and could never get out of the basement.


Notes:

• I was not aware until last week's review was complete that there would be no Monday night game on ESPN this week. This was no doubt a mandate from Commissioner Goodell. He obviously didn't want to have to deal with Stu Scott so soon after Christmas, either.
• The Pillow Fight of the Week was Bengals 16, Chiefs 6. The state logo for Ohio should be changed to caracatures of a Browns player and a Bengals player swinging pillows at each other, while someone in an Ohio State uniform lies in the fetal position.
• We're at the point in the Kings season where Peaches is going to be ramping up to playoff excitement if the team is within 5 points at the 10 minute mark of the second quarter. As he's become the official marketing director of the team and is responsible for begging people to come to games, he's in an unenviable position. He's kind of like the PR director for a Chinese toy manufacturer. "Buy our toys, they're great! For toys with tiny parts you can choke on painted with pure lead, you can't get anything cheaper!" Except, in Peaches' case, the choking and upset stomach for customers doesn't come cheap.
• The San Francisco Giants signed Randy Johnson over the weekend to a one year, $8 million contract. The real Randy Johnson, not some make believe guy who has been dead for 20 years or who hasn't played since high school. The signings of those types of players will apparently be announced after the first of the year.
• In keeping with what we've all come to expect from shows ike Football Night in America (hint: not much), The Bus, Jerome Bettis, broke down for us exactly how coaches should handle the conundrum of whether or not to play star players when your playoff spot is already secured. On one hand, Bus said, you want to keep your guys healthy going into the playoffs. On the other hand, you want them to play so they stay in a rhythm going into the playoffs. Basically, the Bus concluded he didn't have an opinion either way and wished those other guys would quit asking him questions that didn't revolve around running people over or eating large quantities of food.
• Because I couldn't be first, I must tell you that Chris Berman wishes you a Happy New Year. He did this during his 2-Minute Drill on ESPN Friday night. The drill, by the way, lasted more than 5 minutes. Boomer's never been the most adroit at clock management.

Well, that closes the final weekly review of PPFFL Season 3. A look back at the season along with some awards will be posted soon on this very site. As always, if you would like to nominate someone or something for an award or another type of recognition, please email the league office.

Congratulations to the Cyclones. Let's all follow their example and do great things.

The Commish

Week 17 Starting Lineups

Cyclones
QB: Drew Brees - NO
RB: LaDainain Tomlinson - SD
RB: Pierre Thomas - NO
WR: Roddy White - Atl
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
TE: Anthony Fasano - Mia
K: Rob Bironas - Ten
D: Chicago


The Maestro
QB: Matt Cassel - NE
RB: Darren Sproles - SD
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jac
WR: Wes Welker - NE
WR: Steve Smith - Car
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: Pittsburgh


The Dragons
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
RB: Larry Johnson - KC
WR: Randy Moss - NE
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal
TE: Vernon Davis - SF
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: Philadelphia


Team STY
QB: Tony Romo - Dal
RB: DeAngelo Williams - Car
RB: Leon Washington - NYJ
WR: Davone Bess - Mia
WR: Reggie Wayne - Ind
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: Tennessee


The Dominator
QB: Jay Cutler - Den
RB: Clinton Portis - Was
RB: Jamal lewis - Cle
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
WR: Santana Moss - Was
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: Garrett Hartley - NO
D: Miami


Gnomies
QB: Brett Favre - NYJ
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
RB: Thomas Jones - NYJ
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
WR: T.J. Houshmanzadeh - Cin
TE: Donald Lee - GB
K: Mason Crosby - GB
D: Baltimore


The Outlaws
QB: Phillip Rivers - SD
RB: Matt Forte - Chi
RB: Michael Turner - Atl
WR: Brandon Marshall - Den
WR: Antonio Bryant - TB
TE: Chris Cooley - Was
K: Phil Dawson - Cle
D: New York Giants

Week 17 Schedule


SUN, DEC 28

St. Louis at Atlanta
10:00 AM

New England at Buffalo
10:00 AM

Kansas City at Cincinnati
10:00 AM

Detroit at Green Bay
10:00 AM

Tennessee at Indianapolis
10:00 AM

NY Giants at Minnesota
10:00 AM

Carolina at New Orleans
10:00 AM

Cleveland at Pittsburgh
10:00 AM

Oakland at Tampa Bay
10:00 AM

Chicago at Houston
10:00 AM

Jacksonville at Baltimore
1:15 PM

Washington at San Francisco
1:15 PM

Miami at NY Jets
1:15 PM

Dallas at Philadelphia
1:15 PM

Seattle at Arizona
1:15 PM

Denver at San Diego
5:15 PM

Tuesday Review v3.16

For the first time in PPFFL history, there was some competition for the top spot in the league heading into Week 16. The Cyclones, though, made sure that there will be no drama as the NFL wraps up its regular season over the next few days. Their solid week neutralized the hard charging Maestro and totally eliminated The Dragons, who had been hanging around for the last few weeks, but crashed and burned in the penultimate week of the season.

Team STY has risen over the last two weeks to the level of the league's equator, passing both The Dominator and the suddenly anemic Gnomies. The Outlaws continue to hold up the rest of the league, but they're a lot closer to the rest of us now than they were back in the middle of the season. If the NFL extended the regular season to about 24 weeks, they might drag themselves out of the basement.

Official Standings (Week 16):
Cyclones 1,780.32 (126.02)
The Maestro 1,706.52 (128.53)
The Dragons 1,668.15 (57.05)
Team STY 1,627.17 (137.89)
The Dominator 1,598.43 (86.53)
Gnomies 1,582.84 (47.54)
The Outlaws 1,518.44 (119.89)

When this fake football season comes to a close, The Maestro will be left kicking himself over the handling of Ronnie Brown (7.65). His four TD week early in the season was wasted as he sat on his fake team's bench. Permanently put into the starting lineup the following week, he contributed some solid games in the middle of the season. As his fake team picked up the pace, though, his performance began to trail off a little bit, culminating with a very pedestrian Week 16. Meanwhile, the diminutive Darren Sproles (23.05) was having a productive day in Kansas City, locking up Week 16's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award for his fake owner.

Drew Brees (46.87) returned to form just in time for the Cyclones to all but lock up the championship. He was helped immensely by Dallas Clark (22.25), who had his best game of the season when this fake team needed it the most. Larry Fitzgerald (17.05) managed to put up some decent stats on a day when his real team was getting pantsed in the snowy Northeast. The decision by Cardinals staff to wear all white on their trip to New England was fitting. The way the played suggested that they weren't even there and the white unis made it so they were mostly invisible to the viewers at home. They still have won only two games against a team that isn't in their division and will likely face either Carolina, Tampa Bay, or Chicago/Minnesota in the playoffs. Is there anyone out there willing to bet that they won't lose by at least two touchdowns on their home turf? Excpet for the lady in the NFL.com commercial that has the Cardinal logo tatooed on her lower back?

The week that was started off really well for The Maestro, as Peyton Manning (54.83) and Maurice Jones-Drew (15.10) provided an early spark. Jason Witten (15.35) then picked up the slack on Saturday night, generating a buzz around this team and their suddenly stellar play. Wes Welker (19.20) was able to maintain the momentum against the no-show Cardinals early on Sunday, but after that the furious charge met some resistance. The Pittsburgh defense (1.00), solid all season long, was worked over by the recycled Kerry Collins, about the same time Ronnie Brown (7.65) was struggling in the frozen Midwest. Not even Steve Smith (6.40) could pick up the slack on Sunday night, as the Giants poor run defense kept the ball away from him and he had a TD overturned by a coaches challenge, expertly executed by Tom Coughlin. Damn you, Coughlin!

Not to beat a dead horse, but the Cardinals really stunk on Sunday. At the forefront of that debacle was Kurt Warner (0.60), who effectively ended the Season 3 hopes of The Dragons. It wasn't all him, though, as Marshawn Lynch (7.70) and Andre Johnson (2.95) didn't live up to their recent performances. Just when you think he couldn't get worse, Vernon Davis (-0.15) managed to do just that, punctuating a week where this team's best players were underacieving idiot Terrell Owens (14.15) and kicker Nate Kaeding (13.00). At least this team's struggles got some playing time for nearly forgotten dead beat dad (and former Heisman Trophy winner) Matt Leinart (seriously, he won the Heisman). He managed to lead the Cardinals to their only points against the New England third stringers but, to nobody's surprise, was as bad as he's always been. Meanwhile, his collegiate backup, Matt Cassel, was having another solid game in what has been an unexpectedly solid season. Memo to Pete Carroll: If you would have given the QB job to Cassel way back when, he likely would have won a Heisman like Leinart. He also probably wouldn't have made as many crappy throws against a suspect Texas defense back in the 2006 National Championship game, meaning you would likely have won the game that will most haunt you when you go to your grave. On the other hand, if Cassel had been the starter, we wouldn't have had as much fun busting on Leinart for his crappy parenting skills and the fact that he still makes his mom pay when they go out for meals together. But, hey, he's still friends with Nick Lachey, so he's got that going for him, which is nice.

Zooming into fourth place on the diminutive legs of DeAngelo Williams (32.40) is Team STY. Williams scored four TDs on Sunday night, giving him 20 for the season and assuring that he will be taken very high in the 2009 PPFFL draft. Well, this is the PPFFL, so he assured that he should be taken high in the draft. It doesn't mean that he will be taken high. Reggie Wayne (21.40), the Tennessee defense (20.00) and Antonio Gates (18.15) also chipped in with big games, as their fake team rose from near the depths of the league. Tony Romo (26.64) was able to salvage what started out as a rough night in the last game ever at Texas Stadium. If only the Cowboys defenders hadn't forgotten how to tackle in the 4th quarter, the 'Boys may have sent the stadium out on a winning note. As it stands now, even if the Cowboys make the playoffs, they will not be playing at home. All is not lost for the season, though, because, as Romo said after the game, they "still have a percentage chance of getting in". He's right, you know. In fact, I have a percentage chance of punching the w key...just like that! Unfortunately for Jerry of the Stretched Face's team, their playoff chances are closer to my chances of going out on a date with cheerleader Kelly Jo and helping her fix the problem she has with her kicks.

Holding onto 5th place like it's the last available moose meat during an Alaskan winter is The Dominator. Other teams have been flying around this part of the standings for weeks, but only one has held onto their position with this much conviction. The Big Guy obviously sat his team down and made 5th place their biggest goal for the rest of the season. So, while Jay Cutler (36.68) and Tony Gonzalez (16.20) were having weeks that would suggest the team might climb its way into 4th place, Anquan Boldin (0.00) and Santana Moss (6.60) made sure the team didn't stray from its goal. Clinton Portis (11.05) was pretty solid in a slugfest with the Eagles, but his performance on the field isn't what everyone was talking about afterward. In order to prove his superior intellect to sarcastic coach Jim Zorn, he put together a Bob the Builder jigsaw puzzle during a 3rd quarter timeout. Linebacker London Fletcher commented, "I have never seen 8 puzzle pieces move that fast. I didn't think he had any chance of putting the picture of Rolly in the right place, but he made that big Texas shaped piece float on air. No disrespect, but there's no way Coach Zorn could do that."

Karma continues to kick the Gnomies in the ribs. They spent the majority of the season in the top half of the standings, but now appear to be paying for the front office shenanigans that led up to the draft in August. They're also getting a look into the psyches of Jets fans as Brett Favre (11.24) leads their team out of the playoffs. It's tough for such a great Ameican to struggle the way he is, but who can blame him with the way the economy is? The man is not only trying to get his football team into the playoffs, he's trying to save Christmas, people! So, let's cut him a little slack and blame guys like Adrian Peterson (4.60), Thomas Jones (7.80), T.J. Houshmanzadeh (0.00), and Donald Lee (0.00) for the second worst weekly score for Season 3. Let's be real, though. Favre's late season struggles will likely lead to a teary retirement announcement, which will lead to Sports Illustrated's Peter King and ESPN's Chris Berman staking out his house, which will lead to months of speculation about his future, which will lead to Favre eventually returning for another season. The problem for Favre is that each time he does this, he has to join a team that is worse than the one he left. His choices next year will likely be in the realm of the Bills or Browns. The season after that will leave him choosing between the Rams and Bengals. His final season (hopefully) will then be played for the Lions, who will be carrying a 53 game losing streak into the opening week of 2011. If there's anyone who can break a streak like that, it's Brett Favre.

Closer to 6th place than they have been in eons are The Outlaws. Once again, their late season push is something to behold. It's just too bad that they dug such a big hole early in the season. And, by big hole, we mean Grand Canyon-esque. Phillip Rivers (45.59) continued his stellar late season play, while managing to make even more people across the country hate his guts. Stories about his off-putting personality are starting to circulate around Al Gore's brilliant invention (the internet, not global warming), meaning he must really be a tool, since most people couldn't care less about athletes playing in San Diego. Want an example? If Jake Peavy had been playing for the Yankees or Red Sox the past few years, rumors of his impending trade would have been covered non stop by the Worldwide Leader, with Buster Olney being imbedded in Peavy's front yard bushes to report on what pajamas he wears to bed each night. Instead, he pitches for the Padres, so most of America has never heard of him or the Padres. Brandon Jacobs (23.60) plays in a big market, so we know about him. Antonio Bryant (19.35) is well known on the police blotter, so we know about him, too. Brandon Marshall (17.45), however, hasn't shot himself accidentally or been caught driving 173 mph in a school zone, so most of America is still in the dark about him.


Notes:

• As mentioned yesterday, the bad weather on Sunday lent a chance for the league office to have Football Night in America showing on its TV screens. It was as bad as it's always been, and even went the extra mile to get worse. If the egos of Olbermann and Costas weren't enough, we got a strong dose of Tiki Barber. Tiki has always been criticized as being a bit of a media hog, as evidenced by the lame work he did for NBC while still playing for the Giants. Upon retirement he went to work entertaining housewives on the Today Show and co-anchored a "hip" highlight show during the Olympics with a girl (whose name has been long forgotten) that started every sentence with the words, "Oh, my god". Anyway, on Sunday he interviewed Giants RB Brandon Jacobs. After the usual meaningless questions were asked, Tiki got real in depth. He asked if Jacobs knew just how much his presence had meant when Jacobs was backing him up and "Taking all of (his) touchdowns" (believe me, Tiki, I know about that, as your 1,400 yard, 1 TD season was part of my mediocre fantasy season). When Jacobs hesitated with an answer, Tiki proclaimed (and I'm paraphrasing a bit), "You now that your development was accelerated by having such a great running back ahead of you that could show you how to be a professional football player and an All Pro." As if that conceit weren't enough, Tiki got all Nantz on us when he asked Jacobs if "the foundation of great excellence that great players like myself laid helped contribute to the Super Bowl championship". Watch out, Nantz. If you don't bring about peace on earth soon, Tiki's going to beat you to it.
• To set the record straight, based on an informal, make believe, but highly accurate survey of New York Giants players and coaches, the most important factor in their Super Bowl win last season was the retirement of Tiki Barber. To quote a make believe Giants player, "We hated that runt so much that it was like a cement truck being lifted off our shoulders when he decided to go work with Kathie Lee Gifford full time."
• Keeping with their offseason makeover, San Francisco Giants GM Brian Sabean came to an agreement in principle to acquire teenage sensation Dakota Johnson from the White Sox, in exchange for Matt Cain, 2008 top draft pick Buster Posey, and minor league pitching phenom Madison Bumgarner. "We just feel the opportunity to have a stud like Johnson was worth parting ways with the guys we did. We look forward to some great things from this kid." When told by the press that Johnson was 14 years old and was basically a ruse created by A's GM Billy Beane who had no future in baseball, Sabean shot back, "That's just the lunatic fringe out there that doesn't know talent the way we professionals do. Let's see what happens when this kid is 22 and able to step in and take over for Richie Aurilia at second base. The next eight years is going to go by quickly, so you guys in the media better not forget how much you were criticizing this move when Dakota's hitting at the top of the lineup and giving us an opportunity to move Aurilia to first base and get another decade or so out of him."
• The Albert brothers are frequently called the "Baldwin Brothers of Announcing". For those of you that aren't hip to it, the Baldwins are a bunch of brothers who have done well as actors. Anyway, if that's the case, Marv Albert is like Alec Baldwin, Kenny Albert is Stephen Baldwin, and Al Albert is the the fat Baldwin that was in "Biodome" with Pauly Shore.
• The Pillow Fight of the Week was Bengals 14, Browns 0. The residents of Ohio must have been so proud.
• This week's early frontrunners to be PFOTW are Kansas City at Cincinnati and Seattle at Arizona.

That's it for another week. As it's Christmas week, don't take any wooden nickels. There are plenty of scammers out there that will be looking to take advantage of your goodwill.

The Commish

Monday Memo v3.16

Only the greatest comeback in the history of Western Civilization will keep the Cyclones from being the Season 3 champion of the PPFFL. A solid week for them offset the week from the hard charging Maestro, who started fast on Thursday, but fizzled out late on Sunday. The Dragons were killed by the weather in the northeast and the Gnomies were killed by the weather in the northwest. Team STY, meanwhile, had their best week of the season, while The Outlaws continued their push toward Week 1 of Season 4.

Current Standings:
Cyclones 1,780.32
The Maestro 1,706.52
The Dragons 1,668.15
Team STY 1,627.02
The Dominator 1,598.43
Gnomies 1,564.94
The Outlaws 1,518.44

Tonight's NFC Norris battle between the Packers and Bears carries importance for only one PPFFL team: the Green Bay obsessed Gnomies. Greg Jennings, Donald Lee, and Mason Crosby will be taking the field for these guys, who are currently sitting at a historically low total for the week. If the weather is bad and the play on the field is worse, ala the Browns yesterday, it's possible that these guys could break the PPFFL record low for a week set back in the inaugural week of this season. It would take a lot of zeroes across the board but, as the Browns proved yesterday, it can happen.

A full recap of Week 16 tomorrow, along with something you've all surely been waiting for...that's right, more critique of Football Night in America. Let's just say that the rain yesterday led me to the revelation that there is someone associated with football more in love with himself than Jim Nantz.

Week 16 Starting Lineups, Part II

Wow! That sure was interesting. I thought I would be able to get some other work done while the great Dick Stockton presented our lineups, but I was wrong. The thing is, his care giver nodded confidently when I asked if he would be able to make sure Dick didn't get all senile, like he does when he announces games for Fox. I only now found out that the caregiver is Korean and doesn't speak a word of English, except for "Juice Box" and "Bugs Bunny".

With that being said, here are the real lineups:

Cyclones
QB: Drew Brees - NO
RB: Pierre Thomas - NO
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - SD
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
WR: Roddy White - Atl
TE: Dallas Clark - Ind
K: Rob Bironas - Ten
D: New York Jets


The Dragons
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
RB: Marshawn Lynch - Buf
WR: Andre Johnson - Hou
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal
TE: Vernon Davis - SF
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: Philadelphia


The Maestro
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jac
RB: Ronnie Brown - Mia
WR: Steve Smith - Car
WR: Wes Welker - NE
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: Pittsburgh


Gnomies
QB: Brett Favre - America
RB: Thomas Jones - NYJ
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
WR: T.J. Houshmanzadeh - Cin
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
TE: Donald Lee - GB
K: Mason Crosby - GB
D: Baltimore


The Dominator
QB: Jay Cutler - Den
RB: Jamal Lewis - Cle
RB: Clinton Portis - MIT
WR: Santana Moss - Was
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: Garrett Hartley - NO
D: Miami


Team STY
QB: Tony Romo - Dal
RB: DeAngelo Williams - Car
RB: Leon Washington - NYJ
WR: Davone Bess - Mia
WR: Reggie Wayne - Ind
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: Tennessee


The Outlaws
QB: Phillip Rivers - SD
RB: Michael Turner - Atl
RB: Brandon Jacobs - NYG
WR: Antonio Bryant - TB
WR: Brandon Marshall - Den
TE: Chris Cooley - Was
K: Phil Dawson - Cle
D: New York Giants

Week 16 Starting Lineups

We haven't had any celebrity appearances this year to announce the weekly starting lineups, so I tried and tried to get someone in before the season was over. Berman asked for too much money, Nantz was too busy saving everyone from themselves, and Costas is busy making Christmas cookies inside one of the Keebler trees. That left me with the one and only Dick Stockton to present to you the lineups for Week 16 of the PPFFL season. It looks like he just finished his morning snack of apple sauce, wheat berries, and Gogurt, so take it away, Dick!

Thank you. Before I begin, I just want to express to Commissioner Kuhn how honored I am to be able to present the Week 16 starting lineups for the Arena Football League.

First, we have the Cyclones. Starting at Quarterback is Drew Barrymore, who is having a fantastic season for the San Diego Chargers. At Running Back are Pierre Thomas of the Saints and LaDainian Tomlinson who plays for the same high school team as Randy Moss and Michael Vick. I think it's Nike High. At Wide Reveiver are Robby White who I've never heard of and Larry Fitzsimmons, son of Cotton Fitzsimmons one of my all time favorite basketball coaches. The Tight End is Dallas Texas of the Colts. Kicking for this team is Rod Bironas of the Oilers and their Defense is the New York Titans.

For The Dragons, Kurt Warner of the Barnstormers will be at Quarterback. Brian Westbrook of the Eagles will be joined at Running Back by Buffalo's O.J. Simpson. At Wide Receiver will be someone who exudes humble, San Francisco's Terrell Owens. He will be joined there by Andre Ethier of the Oilers. Sammie Davis will be playing Tight End. Nate Newton of the Cowboys will do the Kicking and the Defense will be handled by the Steagles.

Quarterbacking for The Maestro will be the Colts' Peyton Manning. The Running Backs are Ronnie "Cadillac" Williams of the Dolphins and Drew Jones-Maurice of the Jaguars. Wait, that's a mistake, there's no team called the Jaguars. I think he plays for the Los Angeles Rams. And, so does Wide Receiver Steve Smith, who, it says here, plays for the Carolina Panthers. I'll have to talk to the Commissioner about all of these mistakes. Everybody knows there isn't a team in North Carolina. There isn't even a place called North Carolina. Anyway, the other receiver is Wes Chandler of the Chargers. Mike Ditka of the Cowboys is the Tight End, with Sebastian Janikowski doing the kicking and the Steagles playing the Defense.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Whoa, sorry, guys. I was busy reviewing paperwork and not paying attention. Meanwhile, Dick dozed off, with his nose landing right on the apostrophe key. His caregiver gave him a One-a-Day and a shot of liquid Geritol, and he looks perkier than ever. Back to you, Dick....

The Gnomies will be starting Brett Favre at Quarterback. Wow, this team must be up by about 10,000 points in the standings. I think that, as soon as this team drafted Brett Favre, the race for the championship was over. I remember calling a game back in 1946 between the Packers and the Browns at the old Cleveland Stadium. It was December and the temperature was 17-below zero with snow flurries coming off of the lake. The Browns were leading 13-3 with 12 minutes left in the game when Packers coach Red Auerbach replaced starting quarterback Reggie Jackson with a rookie named Brett Favre. Brett came in and threw not one, not two, but three touchdown passes, all to Jerry Rice, to win the game. That is one of my greatest memories. Right there with when I was married to Martha Washington.

I really like this next guy's name: The Dominator. His team starts Jay Johnstone, a great Putt-Putt announcer, at Quarterback. At Running Back are community leader Jamal Lewis of the Browns and Clinton Portis of the Redskins. You may not know this, but Portis is a certified genius who can almost recite the alphabet backwards! Not many people can do that, my friends. The Wide Receivers are Kate Moss, a lovely woman who in addition to modeling also finds time to play for the Redskins, and Anquan Randle El, who is one of the greatest talents to ever play for the St. Louis Cardinals, no offesne to Ozzie Osbourne or Albert Pujols who were also great Cardinals. Speedy Gonzalez is the undersized, but speedy, Tight End for the Chiefs. Garrett Hartley...wait a minute. That's a made up name. Who is really doing the kicking? Anyway, until we find out who is really kicking, I will tell you that the Dolphins will be the Defense.

Tony Roma will be playing Quarterback for Team STY. You may not know this, but he also makes a fantastic rack of ribs and has even founded a national restaurant chain. DeAngelo Williams of...I don't know who he plays for...it says here the Panthers, but we already went over that...anyway, he's playing Running Back with Joe Willie Namath of the Jets. Antonio Gates of the Chargers is the Tight End. Joe Montana of the Forty Niners is doing the Kicking and the New York Titans are the Defense.

And finally, for The Outlaws, Jesse James will be playing Quarterback, with Joaquin Murrieta and Jack "The Red" Almer at Tight End. Frank Kearney and his partner Dave Rudabaugh are the Wide Receivers. Russian Bill Tattenbaum is the Tight End, while Octoviano Telles will do the Kicking and the Clanton Gang plays Defense. I personally know a lot of these men, so I wish them the best.

Once again, I am honored to be given the opportunity to do this today. The best of luck to all of you. I'm Dick Stockton, signing off.

Week 16 Schedule


THU, DEC 18

Indianapolis at Jacksonville
5:15 PM


SAT, DEC 20

Baltimore at Dallas
5:15 PM


SUN, DEC 21

Cincinnati at Cleveland
10:00 AM

San Francisco at St. Louis
10:00 AM

New Orleans at Detroit
10:00 AM

Pittsburgh at Tennessee
10:00 AM

Miami at Kansas City
10:00 AM

Arizona at New England
10:00 AM

San Diego at Tampa Bay
10:00 AM

Houston at Oakland
1:05 PM

Buffalo at Denver
1:05 PM

NY Jets at Seattle
1:05 PM

Atlanta at Minnesota
1:15 PM

Philadelphia at Washington
1:15 PM

Carolina at NY Giants
5:15 PM


MON, DEC 22

Green Bay at Chicago
5:30 PM

Tuesday Review v3.15

The Cyclones took another step toward becoming the youngest champions in PPFFL history with a solid week that was similar to the weeks of all but two of our fake teams. They gained six points on the second place Dragons to carry a 43 point cushion into the final two weeks of the season. It's not an insurmountable lead by any menas, but it will take a heroic effort from The Dragons to knock the kids off of their perch.

Further down in the standings, The Maestro blew past the Gnomies into third place. In just two weeks, our defending champ has gained over 120 points on the Gnomies in all but assuring an upper division finish. The bottom of the standings, if anyone cares, remained the same.

Official Standings (Week 15):
Cyclones 1,654.30 (112.69)
The Dragons 1,611.10 (106.45)
The Maestro 1,577.99 (121.66)
Gnomies 1,535.30 (72.62)
The Dominator 1,511.90 (87.14)
Team STY 1,489.28 (116.03)
The Outlaws 1,398.55 (119.97)

The race for the championship would be closer to finished if not for a bit of a lineup blunder by our leaders. The Cyclones, in a week where they made major lineup changes, kept Calvin Johnson (21.50) on the bench while playing Larry Fitzgerald (7.60) and Roddy White (7.05). Fitzgerald and White have been solid all season and have contributed to the stellar season our leaders are having, but they obviously don't realize that someone has to put up stats on the bad teams, even those that are historically bad. For the Tabby Cats, that someone is usually Calvin Johnson, at least when Daunte Culpepper isn't too bloated to throw him the ball. For this slight blunder that kept hope alive for their closest pursuer, the Cyclones get Week 15's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award.

The Cyclones made a bold change to their lineup this week, as they inserted Jason Campbell (21.89) into the lineup in place of Drew Brees. Brees has gone from being the leader for PPFFL MVP to benched in favor of a guy who goes into every game with fans, coaches, and players of the Redskins thinking, "I hope Campbell doesn't do something to screw this game up." A change like this is reminiscent of the 'Ol Ballcoach, Steve Spurrier, who at Florida rotated his QBs as much as Abe Lincoln rotated his generals (for those of you not up on your Civil War history, Lincoln changed generals a lot....even more than the Maloofs have changed head coaches the past 3 years). Campbell didn't exactly overwhelm anyone this week, so it was fortunate that Dallas Clark (28.10) had his best game of the season. Also chipping in were LaDainian Tomlinson (15.70), Rod Bironas (14.00), and the Tampa Bay defense (13.00). Will more changes be in store as this team guns for the PPFFL title? Only time will tell if they end up like the legendary Spurrier from his Florida days or the disgraced Spurrier from his days with the Redskins.

Hanging in there are The Dragons. Kurt Warner (30.40) was able to put up decent stats while his team was getting beat up, proving that the best thing to happen to the NFC West champs this season was being in the NFC West. The Cards are 5-0 against their division opponents and 3-6 against everyone else, with a game against the Seahawks left on the schedule. If Mike Martz hadn't screwed up the "Fullback Dive" game a few Mondays ago, the Cards and Niners would be locked in an epic (well, maybe not epic, but interesting) battle to see who gets to be whipped by a wild card team at home in the playoffs. The rest of the players for this fake football team need to raise a glass for Andre Johnson (30.35) and the Philadelphia defense (19.00). If it weren't for those guys, this team would be out of the title picture, as Vernon Davis (7.10), Brian Westbrook (6.35), Terrell Owens (4.90), and Reggie Bush (4.35) all came up really small in one of the biggest weekends of the season.

Refusing to give up is The Maestro, who is in the midst of a very impressive run. This late season charge will more than likely be futile, however, as 13 weeks of mediocrity tend to outweigh 3 or 4 weeks of excellence. Peyton Manning (39.01) continued his strong play of late, and was joined in excellence by Steve Smith (26.70), Maurice Jones-Drew (19.50), and Wes Welker (15.45). Jason Witten's performance (7.20) wasn't as strong as the prior week, possibly due to all of the Junior High histrionics that surrounded the Cowboys last week. They had T.O. accusing Witten of getting together with Tony Romo to conspire against throwing the ball to #81. What T.O. didn't do was research just how many times Romo had thrown the ball to each of them. Reality is that, going into Sunday, over 120 passes had been directed T.O.'s way, of which about half had been caught. Contrast that to Witten, who had caught 59 of the 88 balls tossed his way. If I were Romo, I'd conspire to throw more passes to the guy who was actually catching the freaking ball. And, while doing it, T.O., I would also talk about you behind your back, mostly about what a worthless crybaby you're turning into. You've always been a crybaby, you've just recently become worthless. Craving attention, egomaniacal owner Jerry Jones had to get into the news, so he decided to call star running back Marion Barber III a wuss and insinuate that he was afraid to play in pain. Barber took the words to heart and suited up on Sunday, even with a severely sore toe (toes are small, but apparently important to RBs as Darren McFadden has played sporadically all year due to a sore toe). The results were not what Jerry of the Stretched Face wanted to see: 2 yards on 8 carries. Next time you want to criticze a player for not playing, boss, try to avoid going after the guys who can't run without a limp, especially if their job is to run the ball.

Dropping out of the top 3, likely for good this season, are the Gnomies. Much like their adolescent counteparts, they made a major change at QB this week, benching Our Favrer in favor of Seneca Wallace (12.67). Favre didn't exactly light up the joint, but the results from a Sacramento area QB were predictable, particulalry when you consider the debacle that was the J.T. O'Sullivan Experiment. In most weeks, a fake team would be pumped to say that most of their guys scored about as many points as their QB. This wasn't one of those weeks for the Gnomies. Thomas Jones (12.10), Adrian Peterson (11.25), the Baltimore defense (11.00), Greg Jennings (10.10), and Mason Crosby (10.00) all approached the fantasy production of Seneca, which wasn't a good thing. As bad things usually come in threes, we can only wonder if another QB with Sacramento area ties will be thrust into a starting job soon, picked up by a PPFFL team, then dropped shortly after they perform the way most everyone predicted. As there aren't any area QBs close to starting anywhere, we can only hope that the Bills, Bengals, or Browns lose the backups that they are currently starting in Week 16, forcing them to sign Gio Carmazzi away from the Round Table Pizza where he currently works to start under center for them in Week 17. If that were to happen, I would personally pick up Gio and play him at QB in the season's final week.

The Dominator had a rough week, but what can you expect when he's counting on a genius like Clinton Portis (5.15)? Sorry, Clinton, that was a low blow. If there's something you aren't, it's a genius. For anyone who played football at The U to be called that is downright slanderous. You would think that Jim Zorn would be sensitive to something like that. Wait a minute, didn't Coach Zorn call you a genius as a way to insult you? A backhanded compliment, if you will? Well, then, the coach was right, you are a genius, though not as much of a genius as guys like Michael Irvin or Lamar Thomas*. As for the non-geniuses on The Dominator's squad, Jay Cutler (22.89) had a rough day in Charlotte. Santana Moss (18.00) picked up some of the slack for slackers like Jamal Lewis (5.30) and Anquan Boldin (5.70). And, let's not forget Tonay Gonzalez (15.10) who continues to put up huge numbers for a guy who has been in the league for so long and plays for such a lame team. When the Raiders sign him in 5 years, he just might be the guy who pushes them to 6 wins in a season.

*Lamar Thomas is the former University of Miami wide receiver who, as a radio color commentator in 2007, nearly ran down from the booth to the field to join a brawl that the Hurricanes were having with Florida Atlantic. He famously exclaimed "This is what happens when you come into the O.B. (Orange Bowl) and try to mess with The U!" If not for Michael Irvin, he would be the valedictorian for Miami athletics, you know, if any of Miami's athletes ever graduated.

Trying to get into 5th place before the season ends is Team STY. Tony Romo (32.23) led the Cowboys to victory amid all of the gossip and note passing in Big D last week. One of the notes, confiscated by Ed Werder of ESPN, listed a bunch of players, coaches, and other staff associated with the Cowboys and detailed whether Romo and Witten liked them or not. As expected, neither of them likes T.O. They both like DeMarcus Ware and Romo likes Barber, but Witten kind of likes him, but wishes he was tougher (Witten wrote, "I could never see him running down the field without a helmet on"). Witten likes Wade Phillips, but Romo wrote in that space "Who's that?" They both really like Jerry Jones, with Romo noting, "He's the best coach I have ever played for." They even included the cheerleaders, as Romo really likes Amanda, even if "Jessica thinks she's trailer park trash". Witten said he likes Kelly Jo, but is really worried about her kicks.

The Outlaws are still plugging away, posting the second best score of the week. Maybe this will lay a foundation for next season where, hopefully, they aren't out of the race after Week 1. Phillip Rivers (45.52) led a near miraculous comeback in Kansas City (miracles can't happen against teams as crappy as the Chiefs). Antonio Bryant (22.40) continued his quest for a nice contract next season, thereby allowing him to get back to his preferred lifestyle of underachieving on the field while being a knucklehead off of it. You can't be that kind of guy unless you have a big contract and Bryant is doing everything he can to get paid. Michael Turner (20.10) rescued the Falcons on a day when Matt Ryan was off of his game. Turner is having a much bigger impact in Atlanta than his former mentor in San Diego is having.


Notes:

• The Pillow Fight of the Week was, as predicted, Seahawks 23, Rams 20. The biggest positive for those in attendance at the Edward Jones Dome was that the game didn't go overtime.
• Jim Nantz isn't stuck up at all. At least, that's what he'll tell you if you ask him. He'll also tell you that the book he recently wrote is going to change you life; how, even though he's the voice of American football (his words, not mine) most people only ask him about The Masters; and how it was tough for him to adjust to Phil Simms as a broadcast partner, but how, under his tutelage, Simms was able to become one of the best color men in the business. This was all covered on the Peaches and Hamm show last week. What he's saying about the book could be true, as Peaches read the book and immediately fell head over heels in love with Nantz.
• Reggie Theus was canned as coach of the Kings yesterday, leaving the majority of the females in Northern California mad at multi-millionaire doofuses Joe and Gavin Maloof. With the Kings resounding win over Minnesota last night, interim head coach Kenny Natt now has the best winning percentage of any active coach in the NBA. Looks like that interim tag needs to be removed.
• CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett signed huge contracts with the Yankees last week. Many blowhards in the media decided to criticize the Yankees and these two greedy players for spending and accepting so much money in these tough economic times. These media types are way off base in this assertion, as these signings are going to do a world of good for the economy, expecially in the greater New York area. Sabathia's presence will command at least a hundred new hot dog vendors in the Big Apple, while Burnett will bring a wave of new business to the tattoo parlors and piercing shops in the city. Signing those two guys was a boon for job creation in New York.
• Of course, the Red Sox whined about how they couldn't compete with a team willing to shell out so much money....then offered Mark Teixeira $175 million over 8 years.
• The Giants have offered a two year contract to Joe Charbonneau, former AL rookie of the year, who last appeared on a baseball diamond as one of the New York Knights in the movie "The Natural". "He's a former rookie of the year, so his record speaks for itslef," Giants GM Brian Sabean said while announcing the signing. "The fact that he hasn't played in nearly 25 years just means that he has young legs. I look forward to Bruce Bochy plugging him into our outfield and using him at first base when Richie Aurilia needs a break."
• The A's, meanwhile, have extended a contract offer to an unknown 14 year old named Dakota Johnson. Johnson normally wouldn't be eligible to sign as a free agent, but, at the urging of the A's, gave up his U.S. citizenship and became a Mexican national in August. The teenager, according to A's GM Billy Beane, is "a potential star in the middle of the infield. He shows incredible plate discipline, as he averaged seeing 4.59 pitches per plate appearance for his Brainerd, Minnesota PONY league team last season. He should develop some gap power as he gets older and reaches puberty. His glove is a plus right now, and should be plus-plus by the time he starts driving a car. We, as an organization, just felt we couldn't pass up on a talented kid like this, especially when we can control his cost for so long."
• Nothing beats Dick Stockton's level of excitement while describing a successful long field goal, until the spotter points out that the ball landed about 7 yards short of the uprights.
• It's official. Dakota Johnson has signed with the A's. Terms were not disclosed.
• To combat the outrage among female Kings fans, the Maloofs have announced that every Sunday home game for the rest of the season will be "Ladies' Night". Every woman accompanied by a male companion will be granted free admission*. *To gain free admission all females must be accompanied by a male companion who purchases a ticket with a face value of no less than $1,350. Every car carrying a female to the game will be charged $250 to park. Females who enter Arco Arena for free must purchase concessions of either food, drink, or licensed merchandise in the amount of $250, otherwise their admission will be revoked and they will be forced to purchase the most expensive ticket available. This contract is binding and non-reviewable. Any violations will result in one of the following: Compensation in the amount of $10,000 to the Maloof Family; or a 6-month committment to working at the Palms Casino in Las Vegas, NV in whatever capacity is deemed fit (there will be no compensation for this work). Sounds like a nice compromise for firing the most dapper coach in the NBA.
• This just across the wire: The A's have traded Dakota Johnson to the Chicago White Sox for Jermaine Dye and three minor leaguers to be named later. "We really think Jermaine will help us a lot more than some 14-year old kid whose best talent is making snow angels," said Oakland GM Billy Beane.

Well, that's it for another week. Get those lineups in for the season's penultimate week and...do great things, gentlemen.

The Commish

Monday Memo v3.15

On a Sunday where the weather in Northern California was the way it is nearly everywhere else in the country during football season, the Cyclones inched closer to the PPFFL championship. They had a solid week, keeping the surging team behind them (The Maestro) from gaining more than a few points on them. The Dragons are still very much in the hunt, but need a huge game from the guys in green tonight to keep this race interesting going into the final two weeks of the season.

Current Standings:
Cyclones 1,654.30
The Dragons 1,585.75
The Maestro 1,577.99
Gnomies 1,535.30
The Dominator 1,506.60
Team STY 1,489.15
The Outlaws 1,394.55

In keeping with the meteorological theme, the weather in Philadelphia tonight is supposed to be mild, with temperatures in the low 50s and light rain at kickoff. That bodes well for The Dragons, who are pinning their immediate hopes on Brian Westbrook and the Eagles defense. What also bodes well is the fact that the Eagles are playing the Browns, who border on being dreadful. That's not entirely true. They're completely dreadful. Let's not forget recent history, though, as the last time Dunnavunn McNabb faced a dreadful team from Ohio, he ended up locked in a 13-13 tie against the Bengals that he didn't think was possible.

PPFFL teams rooting for the Browns to be tolerable, passable, or even mediocre are The Dominator, who has Jamal Lewis playing, and The Outlaws, who will be getting points (maybe) from Phil Dawson.

A full recap of an exciting Week 15 to follow tomorrow, incuding information on why the author of this infotainment doesn't care one bit if Tony Romo and Jason Witten talk about him behind his back.

Week 15 Starting Lineups

Cyclones
QB: Jason Campbell - Was
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - SD
RB: Chris Johnson - Ten
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
WR: Roddy White - Atl
TE: Dallas Clark - Ind
K: Rod Bironas - Ten
D: Tampa Bay


The Dragons
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
RB: Reggie Bush - NO
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal
WR: Andre Johnson - Hou
TE: Vernon Davis - SF
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: Philadelphia


Gnomies
QB: Seneca Wallace - Sea
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
RB: Thomas Jones - NYJ
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
WR: Marvin Harrison - Ind
TE: Donald Lee - GB
K: Mason Crosby - GB
D: Baltimore


The Maestro
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jac
RB: Ronnie Brown - Mia
WR: Wes Welker - NE
WR: Steve Smith - Car
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: Pittsburgh


The Dominator
QB: Jay Cutler - Dan
RB: Clinton Portis - Was
RB: Jamal Lewis - Cle
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
WR: Santana Moss - Was
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: Garrett Hartley - NO
D: Miami


Team STY
QB: Tony Romo - Dal
RB: DeAngelo Williams - Car
RB: Leon Washington - NYJ
WR: Davone Bess - Mia
WR: Reggie Wayne - Ind
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: Tennessee


The Outlaws
QB: Phillip Rivers - SD
RB: Michael Turner - Atl
RB: Tim Hightower - Ari
WR: Antonio Bryant - TB
WR: Brandon Marshall - Den
TE: Chris Cooley - Was
K: Phil Dawson - CLe
D: New York Giants

Week 15 Schedule




THU, DEC 11


New Orleans at Chicago
5:15 PM




SUN, DEC 14

Tampa Bay at Atlanta
10:00 AM


Washington at Cincinnati
10:00 AM


Detroit at Indianapolis
10:00 AM


San Diego at Kansas City
10:00 AM


Green Bay at Jacksonville
10:00 AM


Seattle at St. Louis
10:00 AM


San Francisco at Miami
10:00 AM


Buffalo at NY Jets
10:00 AM


Tennessee at Houston
10:00 AM


Minnesota at Arizona
1:05 PM


Denver at Carolina
1:15 PM


Pittsburgh at Baltimore
1:15 PM


New England at Oakland
1:15 PM



NY Giants at Dallas
5:15 PM




MON, DEC 15

Cleveland at Philadelphia
5:30 PM

Tuesday Review v3.14

The competition is getting fierce as we head into the final 3 weeks of this fake football season. The kids are still at the top, but the older guys behind them are getting a little frisky. The Cyclones have the lead for yet another week, but The Dragons have once again closed the gap. A little further back, The Maestro had the second biggest week of the season (to the 168.33 the Gnomies posted in Week 4) to pass The Dominator and take over 4th place. It was such a big week that our defending champion nearly passed the Gnomies, falling just a handful of points short of erasing what was a 78 point deficit at the beginning of the week.

Official Standings (Week 14):
Cyclones 1,541.61 (105.70)
The Dragons 1,504.65 (111.33)
Gnomies 1,462.53 (83.19)
The Maestro 1,456.33 (155.19)
The Dominator 1,424.76 (107.97)
Team STY 1,373.25 (84.05)
The Outlaws 1,279.58 (115.58)

This week's "I Sure Wish I Woul Have Played That Guy" Award goes to the biggest mover. The Maestro's big showing could have been the best of the season had he played Darren Sproles (18.85) instead of Ronnie Brown (6.40). It was just a bad decision, as Sproles was lining up to play the Raiders in a prime time game. The last time the Raiders didn't get embarrassed in a nationally televised game was....well, it was a really long time ago. I know the game was on NFL Network, so it probably got the same ratings as reruns of Lingo did on GSN, but it was technically a national telecast and the Silver and Black got bombed by a team coached by one of a long list of coaches Al Davis has jettisoned lately (the Raiders did stick it to the human rat Mike Shanahan a couple of weeks ago, regaining a little dignity). If the Raiders have to play at the University of Tennessee next season (in case you missed it, coached by noted liar {according to Al} Lane Kiffin), Las Vegas will likely install the Vols as an early 3-point favorite, even during what will be a rebuilding season for them.

Atop the standings for another week are the Cyclones. They had a solid week, but not as solid as the guys closest to them in the standings. Drew Brees (27.60) is beginning to lose some footing in the race for PPFFL MVP (more on that to follow), but did enough to keep his fake team out in front. Roddy White (21.20) and Larry Fitzgerald (15.65) were very solid this week, as was Frank Gore (12.25). LaDainian Tomlinson (10.55) scored early, then watched as his understudy, Sproles, got most of the reps after the Thursday night game got out of hand (so, he only played about a quarter and a half). This team has been solid over the last few weeks, but has definitely been somewhat short of spectacular. Speaking to the parity of the league, they haven't had to post weekly scores over 120 to keep the teams chasing them in the rear view mirror, as our winning team had to do in season 1 (last season was a boat race from Week 4 until the end). Right now, cracking 100 weekly has been the formula to stay in front.

The Dragons are doing their best to make this league interesting. Where they were once being carried by Kurt Warner (28.98), they are now squarely on the broad shoulders of Brian Westbrook (31.15), who is making a late season run at the PPFFL MVP. The guy has been banged up all season long, but continues to produce huge numbers when he's in the lineup. His mere presence is keeping his real team alive for the playoffs, while keeping his fake team in the hunt for a championship. His fake team backfield mate, Reggie Bush (14.30) is contributing again and Nate Kaeding (10.00) got a full workout on Thursday night. Not contributing as much as they would tell you they should were Terrell Owens (10.65) and Randy Moss (5.80). I'm beginning to beat a dead horse, but it is so much fun to rag on these prima donnas. T.O. gave a great press conference after the Cowboys lost to Pittsburgh, partially due to Tony Romo trying to give every Steeelers defender a souvenier. I only hear the audio, so I didn't see what T.O. was wearing, but he gave some very good, rambling statements wherein he tried to blame Romo and the coaching staff without really blaming them. He sounded very political. He probably wanted to blow up on all of them, but had to restrain because Romo did actually throw him the ball on one of the rare occasions the Cowboys reached the red zone. And it wasn't a charity pass this time, like it has been the last couple of times T.O. has reached the end zone.

The Gnomies struggled more than anyone in Week 14, as they were carried by a lackluster Brett Favre (21.34) and the Baltimore defense (18.00). Thomas Jones (12.40) and Donald Lee (11.40) were able to crack double figures but they couldn't make up for the struggles of Jerricho Cotchery (1.50), Greg Jennings (5.70), and Adrian Peterson (9.85). Speaking of Peterson, let's all raise a glass and toast Tarvaris Jackson. Were it not for his heroics, the Vikings would have been the first victim of the Detroit Tabby Cats this season. Jackson, who was (with Kyle Orton) part of the worst pairing of QBs in Monday Night Football history last season, subbed for the injured and incompetent Gus Frerotte on Sunday and guided the Vikings to a huge victory....not just for their place in the NFC North standings, but for their place in history. In a season that has given us so many dreadful teams (Detroit, Cincinnati, St. Louis, Kansas City, etc.) it would be a shame for anyone to lose to the team that appears to be the worst of all. It is now up to the Colts, Saints, and Packers to make sure we all get something truly memorable out of this season.

Given up for dead just last week, The Maestro made a Bob Beamon-esque leap toward the top part of the standings. Peyton Manning (46.54) got back on track after his debacle in Cleveland. Wes Welker (24.70), Steve Smith (23.85), the Pittsburgh defense (23.00), and Maurice Jones-Drew (20.60) also were able to bust through the 20-point barrier. This fake team is riding high because nearly everyone in the lineup is on a real team that is fighting either to make the playoffs or to gain a home game in the playoffs. Thus, there is incentive, beyond making more money, to play hard and produce each and every game. When apprised of the status of this particular fake team for which he is a member, Peyton Manning said, "I don't think that race is over by any means. We may be in 4th place, but we've really been coming around lately. I wouldn't get comfortable if I were managing one of the teams ahead of us right now." When asked for comment, Sebastian Janikowski (1.00) said, "If they get points for touchbacks, I will do my best to send my one and only kickoff of the game out of the end zone. If they don't get points for touchbacks, then they might want to look for another kicker, because I can't help them out much....unless coach lets me try some more 70-plus yarders."

The Dominator had a pretty good week, but not enough to keep from falling in to 5th place. Jay Cutler (44.52) got back to his early season form. Tony Gonzalez (14.65) continued his stellar play, while the Miami defense (15.00) ame up big. Other than that, it was all about kicker Garrett Hartley (12.00) and not much else. Yeah, I can't believe a guy named Garrett Hartley plays in the NFL, either. Clinton Portis (3.30) and Joseph Addai (4.00) found the going tough. Portis had to face the stout defense of the Ravens, while Addai watched as Manning led scoring drives that seemed to last for about 5 passing plays each. The Big Guy can still take back his 4th place standing, but it's going to take a big week to get there. Otherwise, it looks as though the bottom of the standings might be set.

Part of that is due to Team STY and their rough Week 14. Tony Romo (13.00), once the catalyst for this team (like, back in Weeks 2 and 3) had a rough week in Pittsburgh. Not so rough, though, that Freddie Coleman of ESPN radio was afraid to comment that he thought Romo managed the game well, right up until he threw the pick that got run back for a TD in the 4th quarter. The other two picks and the inability to move the team wasn't so bad, because he was really managing things well. In trying to pinpoint Romo's struggles, there is no evidence that Jessica Simpson attended the game. It was also about 4 degrees in Pittsburgh, so tan, hot women were not a factor (as if tan, hot women even lived in Pittsburgh...more like beer guzzling, bearded women). I guess we can chalk this one up to Romo being thrown off of his game by a solid NFL defense on a very cold day. Man, that's no fun.

The Outlaws were sharp this week, mostly due to Speed Racer himself, Antonio Bryant (34.00). He would not be upstaged by a couple of midget running backs on MNF, as he tried his best to keep the Bucs in the game. Playing hard until the very end, like Bryant did, is something that a lot of NFL receivers could afford to do more of. Too bad Bryant got himself in this position by neing an underachieving head case for so long. The Prima Donna Wide Receivers Association would rather have their members do enough to get a big contract, then decide to shut it down on the field while posing/pouting/showing off all of their bling. Occasionally, a good season needs to be thrown in, just to keep teams interested and to get paid. Randy Moss has taken all of this to another level. His achievements with regard to playing hard and getting paid, then becoming indifferent on the field and a pain in the neck off of it may never be approached again.

Notes:

• The Pillow Fight of the Week was Tennessee 28, Cleveland 9. When Ken Dorsey is starting at QB in the NFL, the feathers will be flying. If we're lucky, Dorsey will get hurt and the Browns will bring in his replacement with the Niners, rodeo cowboy Cody Pickett. That battle between Pickett and Kyle Orton a few years ago was one for the ages.
• No busting on Football Night in America or Monday Night Football because the PPFFL office was closed during both games this week. We'll just reiterate what we already know: Keith Olbermann is a condescening buffoon; Stu Scott is bad beyond description; Emmitt Smith has no grasp of the English language (or any other one); and Steve Young is concussed.
• The baseball winter meetings are under way and so far it looks like Jake Peavy will be going to the Cubs, Francisco Rodriguez will be going to the Mets, and CC Sabathia doesn't know where he wants to go. When asked for his expert opinion, Peaches Napear said, "As long as the Yankees have Mariano Rivera coming out of the pen in the 9th inning, it's going to be tough to beat the Yankees. He's a flat out dandy!"
• Peter Gammons is a stud. The guy had a stroke less than 18 months ago and is back to giving reports about every 7 minutes from Las Vegas. He's able to mention darn near every free agent and every team every hour of every day. Someone should keep track of this so we can see if he's truly an insider, or if he's just really creative.
• Brian Sabean was ready to make a splash and sign a former AL MVP and 9 time all star to play 2nd base for the Giants next season. His bubble was burst when he found out that Joe Gordon died back in 1978. "I thought it would have been a huge splash if we could have added a Hall-of-Famer to the top of our lineup," said the San Francisco GM.
• Back to football, another candidate for Pillow Fight of the Year arrives in Week 15: Seahawks at Rams. The feathers will be all over the Edward Jones Dome as teams that are a combined 4-22 face off.

With that, another week in fake football has been reviewed. Have a great week, gentlemen, and don't take any wooden nickels.

The Commish

Monday Memo v3.14

Wow, what a week in the NFL. Colossal collisions were abound, as poential playoff seedings became even more muddled. In the PPFFL, there was little movement, except for one team trying to make a late charge toward something slightly better than mediocrity. The Maestro made a charge out of 5th place and could, with a spectacular night from football's baddest man, be in 3rd place by the end of play tonight.

Current Standings:
Cyclones 1,532.61
The Dragons 1,504.65
Gnomies 1,462.53
The Maestro 1,432.48
The Dominator 1,424.76
Team STY 1,347.55
The Outlaws 1,245.58

ESPN got a huge matchup tonight, as the Panthers and Buccaneers square off with first place in the NFC South on the line. I can't wait to see Stu, Emmitt, and Stevie Y. preview and review what happens on the gridiron tonight. Stu is probably writing lame, urban themed poetry as we speak. Prepare to hear numerous references to his cousins Pookie and Ray-Ray, as well as shout outs to the other side of the pillow, butter, and plenty of the uses of the word "gots".

For PPFFL purposes, this game carries a medium amount of importance. The Cyclones will be playing John Kasay and the Buccaneers defense. They will score some points, but anything other than a turnover fest by the Panthers offset slightly by a few long FGs by Kasay will still have The Dragons in the thick of things come tomorrow morning. The Maestro will pass another team in the standings if Steve Smith does what he's been doing for the last month, with the main exception being that he actually cross the goal line while in possession of the ball a couple of times. Team STY will be pulling for DeAngelo Williams to make their week dreadful, an improvement over it's current state, which is an abomination. Antonio Braynt who, based on his driving record will be the first player to the stadium, will be lacing them up for The Outlaws.

A full recap of Week 14, along with some insight on baseball's Winter Meetings, will follow tomorrow.

Correction

It has been brought to the attention of the PPFFL Ombudsman that there was some incorrect information in yesterday's recap of Week 13. So now, unlike the Sacramento Bee, a correction and full apology for misrepresenting the facts will be published....

In the Tuesday Review for Week 13 (which was actually published on Wednesday), the summary for The Dragons stated that they finished in last place last season. That is just plain wrong. They actually finished in last place in 2006, our inaugural season. The editorial staff of the PPFFL offers their sincere apologies for making a mistake on when The Dragons were the dregs of the league.

All the best....

The Commish

Tuesday Review v3.13

It's a great Wednesday to be writing a summary with the word Tuesday in the title. The next to-next to-next to-next to last week of the season didn't bring as much scoring as the week prior to it, therefore the week in the PPFFL was back to the way it has been for most of the season. The Cyclones failed to reach the century mark for the week, while the two teams behind them did, tightening the race for the championship just a little bit. The Dragons and Gnomies, however, will have to make up more ground in the next couple of weeks if they want to seriously challenge for the title. Further down in the standings, The Dominator managed to hold onto 4th place for another week (YIPPEE!) and Team STY was the high scorer for the week. Congratulations! You guys were in 6th place going into the week and now find yourselves in 6th place.

Official Standings (Week 13):
Cyclones 1,435.91 (96.72)
The Dragons 1,393.32 (109.10)
Gnomies 1,379.34 (111.79)
The Dominator 1,316.79 (91.84)
The Maestro 1,301.14 (91.64)
Team STY 1,289.20 (123.32)
The Outlaws 1,164.00 (88.73)

The lineup blunder of the week belonged to the team at the top of the standings. The Cyclones are carrying both of the premium Titan running backs on their roster, yet didn't start either one this week, even though the team with the league's best record was squaring off against the Tabby Cats. The results were predictable. Meanwhile, our leaders wathced as Frank Gore (5.45) was held back by San Francisco's ultra conservative attack after they took an early lead on the Bills. For sitting Chris Johnson (23.70), the Cyclones are presented with this week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award.

Sticking with the Cyclones, their week was good enough to keep them relatively comfortable, but not enough to keep things from being interesting the next couple of weeks. Drew Brees (25.92) was only about half as good as he was in Week 12. Larry Fitzgerald (20.25), Roddy White (14.60), and LaDainian Tomlinson (14.30) picked up some of the slack, while guys like Gore (5.45) and Dallas Clark (3.20) were hindered by a prevent offense and horrible weather, respectively. Clark nearly had 6 more points, as he recovered a Peyton Manning fumble in the end zone on and attempted 4th down quarterback sneak right before halftime of Indy's game in Cleveland. Unfortunately, by rule, inside of two minutes of each half, when the ball is fumbled forward, the only player who can recover it and have it placed at the spot is the player who fumbled. This is a lesson that Alex and Jack learned earlier on Sunday during a touch football game with the Blandford brothers. Bobby Blandford's fumble near the goal line on the last play of the game was recovered by Alex for an apparent game tying TD. After further review, though, the ball was placed back at the spot of the fumble, where, with Mrs. Blandford preparing to leave without her kids, the game ended with Jack and Matt Blandford celebrating a well deserved and hard fought victory.

The Dragons are still in the mix. Last season's worst team put together a Thanksgiving Day for the ages, as Brian Westbrook (36.50), Kurt Warner (28.70), and Terrell Owens (15.90) put up good numbers on the nation's day of blowouts (which is fitting when you consider the way the Pilgrims began what ended up being a total beat down of the Indians that lasted for about two centuries). It was great to see Dallas get out to a comfortable lead on the Seahawks using practically everyone but T.O. to build the lead. Once in charge in the second half, it was obvious that the main objective on offense was to get the ball to T.O. so that he wouldn't sulk/pout/snap/publicly exercise nude following the game. On a couple of second half plays where Tony Romo threw the ball to someone other than T.O., you could see Romo's body go stiff, with a mild convulsion or two. It turns out that was Jerry Jones sending an electric shock through his QB's body via remote control as a reminder of what the real objective was. After the game, Jessica Simpson approached Jerry of Plastic Surgery to get the model number of the apparatus so that she could get one for herself.

Keeping the faith are the Gnomies. These guys are ready to bust out and take over the top of the PPFFL, or at least that's what they're saying. The Brett Favre (15.94) of Week 12 was same guy who walked the green grass of Lambeau Field from 2004-2006, as he sabotaged nearly every Jets scoring opportunity with crazy throws in the red zone. This is not the American icon that we all expected on one of the most American weekends of the year. He should be cut some slack, though, as in these tough economic times, he was busy using his super powers to create an increase in sales for Black Friday and the rest of the weekend in an attempt to get the econmy back on track (for the record, he said he wasn't responsible for the guy getting trampled to death by imbecile savages at the Long Island Wal Mart...Derek Jeter was the media superhero who was supposed to be in charge of security, and he obviously dropped the ball....spiritual superheros Kurt Warner and Alex Roodriguez vowed to pray for the deceased as well as forgive the tramplers, as they knew not what they were doing while stampeding to get 50% off of a 19 inch TV....superhero of justice and philosophy Charles Barkley said that every one of those knuckleheads should be hung from their toes in Times Square and be beaten like pinatas...). As for the rest of this fake football team, Thomas Jones (24.95), Greg Jennings (20.55), Adrian Peterson (17.50), Mason Crosby (12.00), and Donald Lee (11.85) all picked up the slack nicely as Our Favrer took steps to save the greatest of all countries from falling into a depression.

The PPFFL's equator remained the same, as The Dominator bolstered his position there by a fraction of a point. Jay Cutler (39.04) bounced back from his dreadful performance in Week 12 against the Raiders. Speaking of the Silver and Black, Tony Gonzalez (16.50) continued his stellar play against the real Raiders, not the imposters that hammered Denver last week. Al Davis was overheard in his luxury suite saying that Gonzalez was "the best young tight end in the game". He also said that, "in 5 or 6 years, when he's matured and come into his own, I would love to make him a Raider". When someone pointed out that Gonzalez was, in fact, almost 33 years old and that not many football players remain productive when they are close to 40, Davis shot back, "George Blanda played until he was 57 years old! And, he was an all-pro! Don't try to talk to me about talent, because none of you liars know talent like I do. Watch what happens now when I tell Coach Cradle to run my unstoppable fake field goal play where our voluptuous kicker runs a naked sweep around left end for at least a first down and probably a touchdown."

The teams at the top can all rest a little easier now. You all know the nerves were tightening up when you saw The Maestro making a move the past couple of weeks. Unfortunately for the defending champ, nasty weather off of Lake Erie put the clamps on Peyton Manning (10.40) and prevented all of you from being on the losing end of the greatest comeback in the history of Western Civilization. There is still 4th place to play for, though, as Jason Witten (23.75), the Cowboys defense (15.00), and Steve Smith (12.25) proved in Week 13. Ronnie Brown (9.64), Maurice Jones-Drew (6.10), and Wes Welker (5.50), meanwhile, gave another take on what it means to be playing for 4th place. In Welker's case, he was knocked out by a cheap shot from a Steelers defender whose name has been forgotten. That hit had nothing to do with the hatred for the Patriots that permeates the NFL. That hit was all about the Pittsburgh defense being dropped for the week by The Maestro because of the threat of facing what was the hottest offense in the league. They took out one of this fake team's starting receivers as retaliation. I learned my lesson, fellas. I learned my lesson.

Wearing the big boy pants this week was Team STY. DeAngelo Williams (31.30) led the way as he continued his push to be named the 2008 PPFFL free agent signing of the year. He scored four TDs, two of them coming after Steve Smith made incredible catches on deep passes, only to be drug down inches from the goal line. That's karma biting the baddest man in football back for sucker punching one of his teammates during training camp. Let's not forget Tony Romo (42.32) here, as his stellar game on Turkey Day against one of the dregs of the NFC West helped keep the Cowboys' dimming postseason hopes alive. His broken pinky absolutely killed the season for both his real team and this fake team. There's still time for him to get the 'Boys into the playoffs, but they'll likely be on the road the whole time, meaning there will no pink Romo jersey wearing ditzy blondes with their own Dancng Chucky fan clubs sitting in luxury boxes at Texas Stadium in January 2009. That is, unless, Jessica attends the mass seminar where her formerly horse faced sister and Jerry Jones preach to the masses about how plastic surgery can not only make you look younger, but can also turn you from hideously ugly to merely ugly for only a few thousand dollars. The grand finale of this seminar will be when renowned surgeron Dr. Robert Rey performs live a breast augmentation and liposuction procedure in a glass enclosed operating room constructed right on the star at midfield. During the surgery, he will also manage to do 1,500 pushups, 6,000 crunches, and 35 minutes of work on the heavy bag, all while making sure his anorexic wife doesn't consume anything more than the one peanut that is allotted to her each day.

The Outlaws had another rough week. On the bright side, all of their players actually played. Unfortunately, one of those players was Phillip Rivers (14.38). For all that Eli Manning has been busted on in this space, the fact that he was traded for Phillip Rivers is way more of an insult than anything that's been hurled his way here. Rivers is another in the long line of big, good looking QBs with strong arms that have no idea where to throw the ball or where it's going when it leaves their hand. There should be a hall of fame for these guys. The first class of inductees would be Dan McGwire, Jay Schroeder, Chuck Long, and, of course, Ryan Leaf. Kyle Boller, who was once called "Jesus In Cleats" by the starved for success Cal football fans, will immediately be inducted upon his retirement, without having to observe the usual 5 year waiting period. For statistical purposes, in case you actually care, Eddie Royal (16.80), Matt Forte (16.25) and the Giants defense (12.00) were all solid this week, while guys like Michael Turner (7.00) showed the level of consistency expected from players on teams that have been out of it since Halloween.


Notes:

• The Pillow Fight of the Week was Niners 10, Bills 3. The Niners took a 7-0 lead on their first possession, then went into a stall that made Dean Smith proud. This hasn't been researched at all, but there's a rumor that the teams played 2-hand touch after the first quarter.
• In case you haven't heard, Chris Berman is now losing weight with Nutra System. He's going to get "back, back, back" to his college weight. Nutra System is so easy to use that "he...will...go...all...the...waaaaaay" to his weight loss goals. I didn't make that stuff up, he actually says that in his commercial. My favorite Nutra System commercial is the one where John Kruk says, "My wife says I'm not as disgusting anymore." He's still disgusting, just not as disgusting.
• Bob Papa is the play-by-play guy that works with Cris Collinsworth for NFL Network's Thursday night games. He has huge shoes and an even bigger ego to fill with taking over for Bryant Gumbel this season. Fortunately he's one of announcing's version of the Baldwin Brothers. If Peaches Napear had a brother or two in the same field, they would be announcing's version of the Doody Brothers (Howdy, Stinky, and Skip).
• Even though Gumbel isn't working NFL Network games anymore (and it's a shame because he's rocking a stellar beard these days), this space will still refer to all Thursday night games on DirecTV channel 212 as being Gumbelievable.
• This week's Gumbelievable collision features the Raiders and Chargers. If you thought it couldn't get worse after Monday's Texans/Jaguars Indifference Bowl....well, it obviously can. Word is that NFL Network is lobbying Roger Goodell to do the unprecedented and change this year's schedule so that the Lions and Bengals can play in the network's season fnale in Week 17.
• ESPN is lamenting that ratings are down across all of their programming. The article I read stated that it's down for all networks in all genres (except for HGTV's House Hunters show, which is seeing its ratings go through the roof). The big shots at the Worldwide Leader suspect that the nation is a little down because of the economy, making people do stuff besides watching idiots like Jay Mariotti and Woody Paige say stupid stuff on Around the Horn. I have an idea (which I think I floated here before) to raise ratings, at least temporarily, to an unprecedented level. ESPN should televise a fight to the death between the following people: Stuart Scott, Keith Olbermann, Skip Bayless, Steven A. Smith, Tim McCarver, Dick Stockton, and Brian Baldinger. And, by "Fight to the Death", I mean that, as soon as the bell rings, snipers kill everyone but McCarver (he gets to live because Fox's cartoon baseball needs a friend). I'm telling you, the ratings for that would be through the roof.

That's all for this week. Remember, gentlemen, this is the season of giving, so do great things.

The Commish

Monday Memo v3.13

The week began with three blowouts on Thanksgiving Day, continued with the Raiders attempting a fake FG where SeaBass was expected to run a sweep for a first down (the result, a Chiefs' TD the other way, was predictable), and ends with a true clash of the titans as the Texans and Jaguars take the field for battle tonight. To paraphrase Shannon Sharpe, who had a bag over his head at halftime of the Titans destruction of the Lions on Turkey Day, what is the NFL thinking? There are kids out there watching this stuff.

Speaking of kids, the ones who have been leading the PPFFL for the past few weeks are still there, even though they lost part of their lead.

Current Standings:
Cyclones 1,435.91
The Dragons 1,393.32
Gnomies 1,379.34
The Dominator 1,316.79
The Maestro 1,295.04
Team STY 1,289.20
The Outlaws 1,164.00

The rest of America won't be alone in snoozing though ESPN's spectacular tonight, as the PPFFL only has one player putting on the pads. Maurice Jones-Drew, the pocket Hercules, will be suiting up for The Maestro, hoping to provide the first change in the standings in three weeks. A big night from the human bowling ball will mean we will have a new team in 4th place. W-O-O H-O-O!!!