We have our third leader in three weeks, as a huge (or, as Al Michaels would say it, uuuge) week for the Gnomies shot them from 5th place all the way to the top. The Cyclones held steady in second place, while The Dominator and The Dragons stand nearly tied for third. Hopefully, this trend will continue and we will have some movement in the standings as the season moves along. Maybe adding an extra team or two was what we needed to create some parity and excitement in the league.

In what was an extrememly eventful week on the gridiron, Brett Favre achieved his career high for TD passes in a game, the states of Missouri and Ohio finally produced a win, Ed Hochuli screwed up again, and Terrell Owens is slowly starting to twist off. If the season continues getting better, 2008 could be truly epic.

Official Standings (Week 4):
Gnomies 479.80 (166.83)
Cyclones 462.92 (129.81)
The Dominator 438.50 (117.52)
The Dragons 437.29 (108.84)
Team STY 413.84 (97.50)
The Maestro 406.28 (112.04)
The Outlaws 337.31 (68.85)

The season's fourth "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award goes to Team STY, who sat Steven Jackson (23.40) while Marion Barber III (3.85) and Selvin Young (4.70) were victims of their team's once formidable offenses becoming very ordinary for a week. Barber's case is interesting in itself, but understandable when you consider his teammate that is at the center of the sudden uncertainty surrounding the Cowboys' offense. Following last week's game in Green Bay where he wasn't much of a factor, T.O. predictably became agitated and demanded more touches on offense. Dallas' brain trust gave in to him and sent the ball T.O.'s way on nearly half of their offensive plays this past Sunday against Washington. The result was only nine carries for Barber (or, seven more than T.O. got), who is defnintely one of the top 10 running backs in football. T.O.'s stats were good, but not as good as they should have been when you consider the number of times the ball went his way. The end result was a Dallas loss, which made everyone reflect on the result of focusing the offense on one guy too much. Of course, T.O. believes the loss came about because he didn't get the ball enough. So, this Sunday, T.O. will either have 35 passes thrown his way and be taking direct snaps in the backfield, or he will be doing calisthenics in his driveway while wearing only an astronaut's helmet by the time Football Night in America signs off for another week.

Leading the pack right now, after the best scoring week of the season, are the Gnomies. Sunday was huge on nearly every front, as Favre (58.78) put on the vintage New York Titans uniform and threw the ball like he was in the Arena League. One of his targets was Jerricho Cotchery (19.35), who wasn't even the most productive receiver on this fake team, as Greg Jennings (26.45) found the end zone twice for Green Bay. A savvy front office move brought Steve Slaton (19.80) to the team, pairing him with fake franchise player Adrian Peterson (19.05). Tampa Bay's defense (18.00), meanwhile, turned 5 turnovers in the Bay of Pigs game into a solid fantasy week. This rise to the top of the standings will bring about the same types of questions we had last week for the Cyclones: Can a team run by kids still two years away from junior high school be able to hang around the top of a fake football league all season? And, what would all of the adults involved in this league do if they were dominated by a bunch of kids? The storylines are nothing, if not intriguing.

Another solid week kept the Cyclones within sight of the top. Drew Brees (43.21) put up numbers against the Niners that were completely expected. Anything less than 300 yards and 3 TDs would have been considered an off game. Joining Brees in the expected big game department was LaDainian Tomlinson (22.75) who came on late to help snatch another victory away from the Raiders. Larry Fitzgerald (17.10) had a solid game as the Cardinals tried to see how many passes Kurt Warner could throw before God made his arm detatch completely from the rest of his body. Josh Scobee (14.00) is making a run at the NFL MVP award, as he is the main offensive threat for the AFC South leading Jaguars. And, let's give some love to Dwayne Bowe (11.25), who plays on a team that seemed incapable of winning a game. Had the Bengals and Browns not played each other on Sunday, it is certain that Missouri would have been the victor over Ohio in the battle between those two states to see who could produce the first win of the season.

We go from young to mature, as The Dominator holds steady in third place for another week. Jay Cutler (31.52) wasn't the QB he was the first three weeks of the season. There is no video evidence to prove this, because not even the NFL wanted anyone to watch the Chiefs play on Sunday, but rumor has it Mike Shanahan's arrogance led to Cutler being forced to throw the ball left handed all day long. Shanahan, who is called The Ultimate Leader in his bio on the Broncos' website, figured he could beat the sad-sack Chiefs even if he forced all of his players to do things they are uncomfortable with. All things considered, Cutler had a pretty good day. As did Anquan Boldin (22.95) and Santana Moss (18.25). Moss did his damage on the Texas Stadium turf while having the ball thrown to him only a fraction of the times it went toward T.O. Jamal Lewis (12.70) proved that not only is he out of jail (who knew?), but he's still playing in the NFL.

Dropping a couple of places in the standings this week are The Dragons. Thank goodness Kurt Warner (43.94) and the Cardinals were getting routed by the Jets (leading to Warner throwing roughly 177 passes), otherwise the fall could have been more precipitous. T.O. (17.10) and the Browns defense (17.00) were the only other players to reach double figures last week. Reggie Bush (6.90) was a bit player as the Saints rolled over the Niners, and Marshawn Lynch (8.05) found it tough as the Rams dared Trent Edwards to beat them. As was expected, he did. Even though they're in arguably the weakest division in the NFL, it's hard to see the Rams winning more than a couple of games this season. So far, they look a lot worse than the Miami team that only won once last season. Those Dolphins stayed close in a few games, losing 7 by 10 points or fewer. Right now, if the Rams stay within 10 points of anyone, it would be like a win. They might even feel that way if they're within 10 at halftime.

Hit hard by T.O.'s antics and Shanahan's hubris was Team STY. Tony Romo (43.85) compensated some for the struggles of Marion Barber III (3.85) and Selvin Young (4.70), but didn't receive much help. Antonio Gates (13.90), Braylon Edwards (10.10), and the San Diego defense (11.00) all hit double figures, but none did anything spectacular. The first BYE week of the season defintely had its impact on this squad, as Reggie Wayne had the week off and was replaced in the lineup by the less than stellar Chris Chambers (4.10). We're only four weeks into the season, but Season 1's PPFFL champ is barely in front of last season's champ, with neither team looking very frisky. It's hard to repeat in football, be it real or fake. These teams need something to spark them and get them back into the thick of the race. Of course, better players wouldn't hurt.

You want balance? The Maestro will give you balance. Chris Johnson (18.75), Jason Witten (17.50), Steve Smith (16.80), DeSean Jackson (16.15), J.T. O'Sullivan (16.14), Pittsburg's defense (14.00), and Sebastian Janikowski (10.00) ensured that this was the only team to place seven players in double figures for the week. Unfortunately, none of them reached even 20 points, meaning it was a pretty blah week. On the bright side, Lane Kiffin, in one of his last major decisions as an NFL head coach, let SeaBass attempt a 76 yard field goal at the end of the first half. The Maestro has been calling for this to happen since about the time the PPFFL was formed. The kick was well short and wide right, but it was much better and more entertaining than if the Raiders kneeled on the ball or had JaMarcus Russell heave the ball downfield into a mass of humanity. Kiffin said SeaBass has made them from over 70 yards in practice, so let's hope he gets another chance or two at making one from over 65 yards. It's not like to Raiders have a lot to lose at this point.

Nobody was hit harder by the BYE week than The Outlaws. Aaron Rodgers (17.20) was the team's leading scorer for the week, and he was hurt during the game. Brandon Marshall (14.30) was forced by Coach Shanahan to wear oven mitts against the Chiefs. Joe Nedney (11.00) continues to put 3 on the board after Niner drives stall out in the red zone. Matt Forte (9.25) found the going tough against Philly, but not as tough as the rest of his teammates on this fake football team. This is unfortunate, because The Outlaws really seemed to have turned things around after their disastrous Week 1. Two weeks like this really put a team in a hole. The personnel is there to make a run and it's still early in the season. Here's hoping the guys wearing the bandanas are able to put together some solid weeks.

Notes:

• Get your transaction requests in as soon as you can. It's always nice to have some time to get things up on this here site.
• During the writing of this summary, Lane Kiffin was officially fired by the Raiders. Tom Cable, former offensive line coach, will take over. Wouldn't it have been better if Al Davis would have fired Kiffin, then declared he was going to coach the team himself?
• Everyone's favorite official, Ed Hochuli, blew another call on Sunday, calling a bogus roughing the passer penalty while the Panthers were busy running an interception back for a TD. Somewhere in America, Phil Simms is sending Ed text messages offering shoulder massages to help make the pain go away.
• You're the biggest network in sports entertainment. You acqire the rights to Monday Night Football, the most recognizable brand in televised sports. You already have a great studio show, but feel you need to have a top flight show on site every week. What do you do? You get arguably TV's most annoying anchor, a guy who had to retire because of repeated concussions, and a guy who, although he means well, isn't exactly smooth with the English language. Watcing Stu Scott, Steve Young, and Emmitt Smith try to explain how the Ravens scored on a 2-yard pass to their tight end last night was tedious, humorous, and borderline painful, all at the same time.
• The baseball playoffs unofficially begin tonight with the Twins and White Sox squaring off to see who plays the Rays. Of course, that only means one thing.....it's almost McCarver time! Tim, I have no idea why there are seams on a baseball, can you tell me why? How about telling me why they use chalk for the foul lines. If you've missed someone on TV spending hours explaining things to you that you already knew or didn't care about, then it's almost your time of the year.

That's it for this week. Don't take any wooden nickels.

The Commish

Monday memo v2.4

Youth has really been served now, as the Gnomies shot to the top of the standings, and will officially hold that position when Week 4 is complete tomorrow. Brett Favre's 6 TD performance was the catalyst for the leap to the top, but he was supported by everyone else on the roster. The lead will only grow over the closest challengers, as they are one of only two teams to have someone playing in tonight's collision between the Steelers and Ravens.

Current Standings:
Gnomies 477.40
Cyclones 462.92
The Dominator 438.50
The Dragons 437.29
Team STY 413.84
The Maestro 392.28
The Outlaws 311.69

The Gnomies and The Maestro are the only teams that will add points tonight. Heath Miller will be pulling on the pads for our current leader, while the Pittsburgh defense will try to help our defending champion get a little closer to the middle of the pack.

A full review of Week 4 tomorrow, as well as analysis of how a bunch of kids in grammar school are controlling the league through the virtual quarter point of the season.

Week 4 Transactions and Notes

The Outlaws waive Jabar Gaffney (WR - NE) and acquire Antonio Bryant (WR - TB)
The Outlaws waive the New York Giants defense and acquire the Dallas defense

The Maestro waives Fred Taylor (RB - Jac) and acquires Felix Jones (RB - Dal)

The Gnomies waive Deuce McAllister (RB - NO) and acquire Steve Slaton (RB - Hou)

The Cyclones waive Anthony Fasano (TE - Mia) and acquire Bo Scaife (TE - Ten)
The Cyclones waive Adam Vinatieri (K- Ind) and acquire Josh Scobee (K - Jac)

Notes:
The Pillow Fight of the Week has to be the fender bender between the Bengals and Browns. Never has the state of Ohio anticipated something so much. If only we could have a special ceremony commemorating Sam Wyche's famous words years ago when asked by stadium security to try to keep fans from throwing snowballs (among other things) onto the field, "Where do you think this is, Cleveland?" Remember that this paring produced the 50-45 game in last season's Week 4. Remember that, because it has as much chance of happening on Sunday as Tom Cruise and Clay Aiken have of fathering their own children.

That's it for notes this week. I promise to do better next week. Romeo Crennel and Marvin Lewis were feeding me info this week, so you can understand why I came up a little short. The week that Scott Linehan is doing research for me might be the first one where the site is blank.

Week 4 Starting Lineups

Cyclones
QB: Drew Brees - NO
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - SD
RB: Frank Gore - SF
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
WR: Dwayne Bowe - KC
TE: Bo Scaife - Ten
K: Josh Scobee - Jac
D: Chicago


The Dragons
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: Reggie Bush - NO
RB: Marshawn Lynch - Buf
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal
WR: Andre Johnson - Hou
TE: Vernon Davis - SF
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: Cleveland


The Dominator
QB: Jay Cutler - Den
RB: Clinton Portis - Was
RB: Jamal Lewis - Cle
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
WR: Santana Moss - Was
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: Shayne Graham - Cin
D: Minnesota


Team STY
QB: Tony Romo - Dal
RB: Marion barber III - Dal
RB: Selvin Young - Den
WR: Braylon Edwards - Cle
WR: Chris Chambers - SD
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Nick Folk - Dal
D: San Diego


Gnomies
QB: Brett Favre - United States of America
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
RB: Steve Slaton - Hou
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
WR: Jerricho Cotchery - NYJ
TE: Heath Miller - Pit
K: Mason Crosby - GB
D: Tampa Bay


The Maestro
QB: John Thomas O'Sullivan - SF
RB: Chris Johnson - Ten
RB: Felix Jones - Dal
WR: Steve Smith - Car
WR: DeSean Jackson - Phi
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: Pittsburgh


The Outlaws
QB: Aaron Rodgers - GB
RB: Matt Forte - Chi
RB: Michael Turner - Atl
WR: Brandon Marshall - Den
WR: Antonio Bryant - TB
TE: Chris Cooley - Was
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: Dallas

Week 4 Schedule


SUN, SEP 28

Cleveland at Cincinnati
10:00 AM

Minnesota at Tennessee
10:00 AM

Denver at Kansas City
10:00 AM

San Francisco at New Orleans
10:00 AM

Arizona at NY Jets
10:00 AM

Green Bay at Tampa Bay
10:00 AM

Atlanta at Carolina
10:00 AM

Houston at Jacksonville
10:00 AM

San Diego at Oakland
1:05 PM

Buffalo at St. Louis
1:05 PM

Washington at Dallas
1:15 PM

Philadelphia at Chicago
5:15 PM


MON, SEP 29

Baltimore at Pittsburgh
5:30 PM

Bye: Detroit, Indianapolis, Miami, New England, NY Giants, Seattle

Tuesday Review v3.3

The youngest team in the PPFFL as zoomed to the top of the standings. The rest of the league is now chasing the Cyclones who are riding the right arm of Drew Brees and the legs of Frank Gore. Speaking to the overall quality of the league is the fact that 5 of the 7 teams are over 300 points for the season, with another just 6 points shy of that. History has told us that averaging 100 points a week is pretty good, especially with the extra teams we have added the last couple of seasons.

Official Standings (Week 3):
Cyclones 333.11 (142.82)
The Dragons 328.45 (73.94)
The Dominator 320.98
Team STY 316.34 (95.20)
Gnomies 312.97 (133.47)
The Maestro 294.24 (86.28)
The Outlaws 268.46 (105.02)

There is absolutely no question about who receives the "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award" for Week 3. For the first time since 1923, a player scored 4 rushing touchdowns while also throwing a touchdown pass. The man who did that, of course, is Miami's Ronnie Brown (41.48). Ronnie was sitting the bench, however, for The Maestro, who apparently thought he would get a lot more than he did out of Willie Parker (1.00) and Chris Johnson (5.95). The 2007 PPFFL champion looks to be sufferning the same curse that has felled Tom Brady. It goes to show that cruising to a fake football championship on the backs of players who are blatantly running up the score and humiliating their opponents is punished with all of the fury and vengeance of the football gods. Either that, or The Maestro did a really poor job of picking his team this season, and an even worse job of deciding who should start at RB in Week 3.

Bolting to the top of the league at the 3/16th point are the Cyclones. These guys are being carried for the most part by Drew Brees (51.92) and Frank Gore (21.10), who have been feasting on less than stellar defenses early in the season. The trend looks to continue in Week 4 as the Niners travel to New Orleans in what looks to be the matchup of an easily movable object and an incredibly penetrable force. Also chipping in with big weeks were Larry Fitzgerald (21.45), former PPFFL MVP LaDainian Tomlinson (19.35) and obscure tight end Anthony Fasano (12.30). This team could find itself near the top all season long, barring injuries, as they have a top flight QB, a solid WR on a team that throws a lot (either by design or because they're losing most of the time), and a RB that has been rejuvenated by his team's new offensive coordinator (who has no aversions to the forward pass and who attempts to get plenty of touches for the team's best player). Now, if they can just resist the temptation to play the Raiders on their roster....

Sliding to second place and being hit hard by and injury are The Dragons. Brian Westbrook (0.60) went down early in Sunday's game against Pittsburgh and didn't return. His injury coupled with disappearing acts by Randy Moss (5.25) and Terrell Owens (2.85) ushered in the lowest scoring week of the season for our once comfortable leader. If not for Marshawn Lynch (21.70) hammering on the Raiders and Kurt Warner (22.84) having a decent week in Washington, this could have been a real disaster. The games had by Moss and T.O. now bring into question the attitudes of these two loose cannons. Moss has quit on QBs much better than Matt Cassell in the past and likely will pack it in if they Patriots lose a couple of more times in the season's first half. As for T.O., there's no way he was happy with Romo throwing deep balls to Austin What's-his-name on Sunday night. Another game like that in the next week or two and T.O. will either be doing nude calisthenics in his driveway, or incoherenly be telling us how he has 25 million reasons to live. I think everyone but Dave is rooting for the meltdowns, and not just for fake football reasons. The world is just a more entertaining place when Moss and T.O. are dogging it while whining about anything and everything.

In a sign that the football gods are forgiving beings, The Dominator has moved back near the top of the standings. He came a Tony Gonzalez (5.75) touchdown away from posting the season's first octuple double. Jay Cutler (30.13) again led the way, being joined by the Minnesota defense (19.00), Joseph Addai (17.40), Santana Moss (16.75), Clinton Portis (12.35), Shayne Graham (11.00), and Anquan Boldin (10.25). Forgiveness is so sweet that not even playing guys involved in an Arizona/Washington matchup could put a damper on the week. If you were to ask what the biggest difference between this year and last has been for this team, other than the negative karma being stricken, it would have to be not playing Dereck Anderson at QB. Has anyone every parlayed one super tremendous game into a worse 15 games than him? His performance from Week 4 of last season was Marino-esque. Since then, he's been the second coming of Mike Moroski. It might be time for Romeo Crennel to run their first round bonus baby from last year out there in the hopes that, you know, they can get the ball near the end zone.

Speaking of the end zone, Team STY seems to have found a potential NFL TD champ in Marion Barber III (17.85). He appears to be the guy the Cowboys will go to in the red zone, much to the chagrin of the fake football owners who have T.O. and Jason Witten on their rosters. Other than Barber and the San Diego defense (17.00), who took advantage of Brett Favre's scatter-arm, these guys had trouble putting together a mediocre week. Tony Romo (19.65) was less than spectacular in his return to the place of all the girls he's loved before. No doubt, the trip back to Wisconsin had him thinking about all the girls he had the hots for in high school. Remember, if the Cowboys ever go back to Miami, the home of tons of tanned hotties, bet the house on the Dolphins and take the over on Romo's interceptions. Steven Jackson (11.40) was the only other player to crack double figures, something the Rams hope to lose by less than at some point in the season. I don't think there is any question that the teams from Missouri are the worst the NFL has to offer this season. It's fortunate for the rest of the world that these teams don't play this year. A black hole would probably swallow up the earth if they did.

Turning in the second best score of the week were the Gnomies. One thing about Brett Favre's (43.67) scatter-arm is the fact that it leads to deficits and his team throwing the ball for the whole game. Jerricho Cotchery (16.50) is a beneficiary of that this year, as Greg Jennings (16.75) was last year in Green Bay. Jack of the River down in Jacksonville finally came up with a game plan to get the ball to Maurice Jones-Drew (22.55) who is probably the toughest player in the league to tackle. Ironically, the Jaguars actually won the game where the ball was given to the best RB on the team more times than it was given to Fred Taylor. The Human Bowling Ball's solid effort made up for a sub par effort from Adrian Peterson (3.85). The Tampa Bay defense (13.00) and Mason Crosby (10.00) turned in solid contributions from positions not normally counted on for points. Another big week like this for the Gnomies might lead to a bunch of kids at the top of the standings next week.

For the second week in a row, The Maestro failed to see any of the players in his lineup carry the ball past the goal line. Ronnie Brown, of course, was scoring like Justin Timberlake at a debutante ball, but he was riding the pine behind Parker and Johnson. J.T. O'Sullivan (29.88) was solid for the second week in a row, but a 21-3 halftime lead against the lowly Lions meant he would be handing the ball off the whole second half. The Pittsburgh defense (13.00) and Sebastian Janikowski (11.00) were the next two scorers this week, which isn't a very good sign. In fact, it's even money right now whether the next touchdown from this team will come from a skill player or SeaBass. The formerly rotund Raiders kicker might be a good bet to score, just ask Oakland's radio man Greg Papa. When SeaBass chased Buffalo's return man out of bounds on a kickoff, Papa attributed it to the 30 pounds the Polish Hammer lost in the offseason, getting his weight down to 255. The lost weight added speed, Papa said, that allowed him to knock the return man out of bounds. I'm not a real football GM, but I think the speed of a team's kicker would be the last thing anyone should be worried about. I guess when you're the Raiders, though, you need a kicker capable of chasing people down from behind. From my standpoint, and seeing as how this is my fake team, I would like to see SeaBass bulk back up to about 280. That way Lane Kiffin could give him the ball in goal line situations, and possibly get this here fake team another TD before the season ends.

Still in last place, but closer to the rest of the league than before, are The Outlaws. Dunnavunn McNabb (26.32), Brandon Marshall (22.75) , and Matt Forte (20.75) led the team in what was a pretty decent week. Had the contributions from guy like Brandon Jacobs (7.75) and Anthony Gonzalez (3.85) been any better, there would be a very realistic chance for the whole PPFFL to be over 400 points by the end of play next Monday night. This team is definitely recovering nicely, however, from the debacle of Week 1. This is the proverbial team at the bottom of the standings that nobody would want to play in the playoffs...you know, if our teams actually played each other and we had playoffs.


Notes:

• You all know the order of transactions, so please get them in to me as soon as you can.
• The Pillow Fight of the Week ended up being the confrontation between Cleveland and Baltimore. Browns vs. Used-to-be-Browns lived up to all of the brown hype. Right now, Cleveland is just a shade above the Missouri teams on the attractiveness scale. If Brady Quinn doesn't play soon, the whole city of Cleveland might decide to relive the good old days by lighting the Ohio River on fire.
• Dick Stockton worked the Niners/Lions game with the Brians, Baldinger and Billick, and it was all that and more. Stockton was his usual senile self, being corrected about players names off and on all day by Baldinger. The best moment of the telecast, however, didn't involve the decrepid old man. It was when the Niners stalled out near midfield right before halftime and brought in Andy Lee to punt with 10 seconds left. Billick commented on what a great drive it was because their ability to get the ball near midfield was key in giving the Lions poor field position. The punt landed inside the 10 and was downed as time ran out and both teams headed for their dressing rooms. Yeah, pinning the Lions near the goal line as time ran out in the half was definitely key in the game. Nobody told Billick how foolish he sounded, though, because Baldinger was busy ordering a double stuffed sausage and spincach quiche, while Stockton was taking one of his naps that are scheduled for every 70 minutes.
• I skipped Football Night in America this week, mostly to do yard work. I'm sure I missed nothing short of absolute stupidity emanating from Costas, Cris, Keith, Dan and the rest of the crew. It's defintiely my loss.
• Speaking of stupidity and broadcasting, what is being done to Marv Albert by Westwood One is nothing short of criminal. Whereas Marv once worked with the stellar Boomer Esiason on Monday Night Football radio telecasts, he was paired with the illiterate Michael Irvin in Week 2 and the something-or-other Denny Green in Week 3. Here's a sampling of what America heard:

Week 2:

Marv: Romo drops back and thows a bomb downfield...Owens catches it in stride and takes it in for a touchdown.

Mike: AAAAAHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHH! That's what I'm talking about! They can't cover T.O., BABY!!!

Marv: Michael, what got Owens so wide open?

Mike: {45 seconds of completely unintelligible talking. If he was speaking English, then I need to take a class to brush up on it.}

Week 3:

Marv: It's a key situation here for the Jets, as they need to score here to remain in the game.

Denny: I would definitely punt right here, Marv, and let my defense give my offense a chance to do some damage.

Marv: But, Denny, it's second down and the Jets are down 3 scores. Is that really the best strategy to employ?

Denny: Who was the coach in the NFL? I know what I'm talking about. The Cardinals have been nothing since I left.

Well, guys, that's it for this week. The Week 4 schedule, transactions, lineups, and random notes will be posted throughout the week. For the rest of the week, do great things.

The Commish

Monday Memo v3.3

The young and the older have crashed the top of the standings, as The Dominator has worked his way back up to the top, with the Cyclones possibly taking that spot over by the end of play tonight. The league is also tightening up, as the bottom is moving more toward those at the top who fell on tough times in Week 3.

Current Standings:
The Dominator 320.98
The Dragons 315.45
Cyclones 313.7 6
The Maestro 294.24
Team STY 292.11
The Outlaws 268.46
Gnomies 252.80

Tonight's collision between the Jets and Chargers brings with it much anticipation in the PPFFL. The Dragons need a big night from the foot of Nate Kaeding to stay on top for another week. The Cyclones are hoping LaDainian Tomlinson not only plays, but puts up numbers like he did last year and the year before. Team STY is looking to Antonio Gates and the Chargers defense to keep them within a good week of the lead, and The Gnomies need solid performances from the Jets duo of Brett Favre and Jerricho Cotchery to keep them out of the basement. Stu, Emmitt, and Steve will no doubt have loads of informed analysis to give us before the opening kickoff. It's really too bad that I'll have to miss it.

A full recap of Week 3, including analysis of what looks to be an upheaval in the standings, to follow tomorrow.

Week 3 Notes

Whod've thunk that Arizona @ Washington would be the game of the week? At least it is in the PPFFL. Warner, Boldin, Fitzgerald, Moss, Cooley....the Cardinals win a couple of games against weak teams to start the season and all heck breaks loose. I can't wait for Boomer, Mortimer, Tommy Jax, and (barf) Stu Scott to spend about 12 minutes breaking the game down on Sunday morning.

Jerry Jones...I mean, Ang, is hoping Jessica Simpson stays on her tour of singing for morning talk shows and stays away from whatever stadium the Cowboys are playing in. Tony Romo has been awesome the first couple of weeks, the wacky fumble for TD last Monday notwithstanding, so he has nowhere to go but down when his bodacious blonde airheaded babe dons her pink jersey and watches from a luxury box. Unless, of course, she brings along the Dancing Chuckies (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAyc5qq-pNA&eurl=http://videogum.com/).

Sunday's Pillow Fight of the Week could be any one of about 7 games. In years past, and I mean last year, Arizona/Washington would be a frontrunner, as would Detroit/San Francisco, Oakland/Buffalo, and Kansas City/Atlanta. Based on the last two weeks, Houston/Tennessee looks to be pretty weak, as does, surprisingly, Jacksonville/Indianapolis. The prediction from here, though, pegs Seattle/St. Louis as the slap fight to end all slap fights. We have a team that's down to its 17th string wide receiver (who will be thrown to by a guy who is walking like Fred Sanford) and who gave up 33 points to the Niners last week, battling a team so horrifically bad in the first two weeks that it's impossible to describe just how bad they are. The official winner of the PFOTW will be announced in the Tuesday Review v3.3.

By the way, the PFOTW was not publicized last week, but, fear not, it wasn't forgotten. The winner of the coveted weekly award was Raiders 23 Chiefs 8. JaMarcus Russell completed 6 passes in a winning effort, outclassing the soon to be immortal Tyler Thigpen. Thigpen, of course, set numerous passing records at Coastal Carolina, the school located in the midst of the Redneck Riviera, just outside Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. When you have a team that is nearly blanked by a Raider defense that gave up a long TD to the worthless Darrell Jackson in Week 1, you know you have an offensive coordinator that broke out the goose feathered pillows to ready his troops. Had Darren McFadden not busted out with a performance that had Mike Ham, I mean Lamb, predicting a playoff run for the Silver and Black (before the news came out that D-MacF may be limited in Week 3 because of a sore toe) on the Peaches and Ham Show, this game would have definitely been in the running to be the Pillow Fight of the Year. As it stands, it narrowly beat out Indianapolis/Minnesota for the Week 2 honors. Pittsburgh/Cleveland would have been in the running, except for the fact the teams were forced to play in 30 mph winds and rain that was somehow blowing a different direction than the wind.

Some crazed fans of the Chargers (both of them) and people bitter because they had either bet on San Diego to win or had their defense in a fantasy league, flooded referee Ed Hochuli's work email with vitriolic messages blaming him directly for the Chargers' loss in Denver. Hochuli admirably took the blame for missing the call, which is exactly what you would expect the guy to do. After all, he could choke out everyone in America, with the possible exception of Rosie O'Donnell. Nobody could get their hands around that neck, much less apply enough pressure to get though all of the layers of blubber and twinkies to get to her windpipe. Anyway, some kind souls (Bronco fans) emailed Hochuli messages of support, which the muscled one no doubt banished to his deleted messages folder as quickly as possible. If you would like to send along a message, be it in support of Ed or to deride him, you can send it to mailto:i

That being said, let's wish Ed the best for the rest of the season, and hope he works a lot of the premier games on CBS. It's always fun to listen to Phil Simms talk about Ed the way he would the first person he ever had a crush on, if that person had 26 inch biceps and a 48 inch chest.

That's all for this week, fellas. Good luck, and do what's patriotic....no, don't send a check to the federal government. Instead, email Joe Biden a link to Dr. Rosinelli's website so he can get some decent hair plugs. Dr. R did wonders to the Hall of Famer Rick Barry.

Week 3 Starting Lineups

The Dragons
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
RB: Marshawn Lynch - Buf
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal
WR: Randy Moss - NE
TE: Kellen Winslow, Jr. - Cle
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: Cleveland


Team STY
QB: Tony Romo - Dal
RB: Marion Barber III - Dal
RB: Steven Jackson - StL
WR: Braylon Edwards - Cle
WR: Reggie Wayne - Ind
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Nick Folk - Dal
D: San Diego


The Maestro
QB: J.T. O'Sullivan - SF
RB: Willie Parker - Pit
RB: Chris Johnson - Ten
WR: DeSean Jackson - Phi
WR: Steve Smith - Car
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: Pittsburgh


The Dominator
QB: Jay Cutler - Den
RB: Joseph Addai - Ind
RB: Irwin B. Fletcher, a.k.a. Clinton Portis - Was
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
WR: Santana Moss - Was
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: Shayne Graham - Cin
D: Minnesota


Cyclones
QB: Drew Brees - NO
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - SD
RB: Frank Gore - SF
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
WR: Hines Ward - Pit
TE: Anthony Fasano - Mia
K: Adam Vinatieri - Ind
D: Chicago


Gnomies
QB: Brett Favre - America
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jac
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
WR: Jerricho Cotchery - NYJ
TE: Heath Miller - Pit
K: Mason Crosby - GB
D: Tampa Bay


The Outlaws
QB: Dunnavunn McNabb - Phi
RB: Matt Forte - Chi
RB: Brandon Jacobs - NYG
WR: Brandon Marshall - Den
WR: Anthony Gonzalez - Ind
TE: Chris Cooley - Was
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: New York Giants

Week 3 Transactions

The Outlaws waive Alge Crumpler (TE - Ten) and acquire Owen Daniels (TE - Hou)

The Dominator activates Marques Colston (WR - NO) from the Injured List and waives Darrell Jackson (WR - Den)

The Maestro waives LenDale White (RB - Ten) and acquires Chris Johnson (RB - Ten)
The Maestro waives Carson Palmer (QB - Cin) and acquires J.T. O'Sullivan (QB - SF)

Week 3 Schedule


SUN, SEP 21

Kansas City at Atlanta
10:00 AM

Oakland at Buffalo
10:00 AM

Tampa Bay at Chicago
10:00 AM

Houston at Tennessee
10:00 AM

Carolina at Minnesota
10:00 AM

Miami at New England
10:00 AM

Cincinnati at NY Giants
10:00 AM

Arizona at Washington
10:00 AM

Detroit at San Francisco
1:05 PM

St. Louis at Seattle
1:05 PM

New Orleans at Denver
1:05 PM

Pittsburgh at Philadelphia
1:15 PM

Jacksonville at Indianapolis
1:15 PM

Cleveland at Baltimore
1:15 PM

Dallas at Green Bay
5:15 PM


MON, SEP 22

NY Jets at San Diego
5:30 PM

Tuesday Review v3.2

The Dragons are taking us all out behind the woodshed, boys. They followed up a very good opening week with a spectacular second week, opening up a nice 34 point lead over Team STY. This move is reminiscent of The Maestro from last season, as The Dragons have a hot QB, two stud receivers, and a running back who is seemingly good for a couple of TDs each week.

The Dominator and The Outlaws both made really nice moves this week, rebounding from less than stellar work in Week 1. The team at the top, however, made sure we still had a huge gap from first to worst.

Official Standings (Week 2):
The Dragons 255.51 (145.47)
Team STY 221.14 (118.99)
The Maestro 207.96 (109.37)
The Dominator 198.35 (145.85)
Cyclones 188.78 (84.77)
Gnomies 177.50 (94.77)
The Outlaws 163.44 (128.92)

The "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award" for the week goes to Team STY, who would have been a lot closer to first if they had started Chris Chambers (20.15) in place of Braylon Edwards (4.60). In all fairness to Edwards, Mother Nature decided to find out what it was like to play a game inside a wind tunnel. The City of Burning Rivers was beset by the remnants of Hurricane Ike right around the time the ball was kicked off on Sunday night, bringing steady winds of 25-30 mph, shifting directions all night long. In other words, it was just like a night baseball game in the middle of July at Candlestick Park. Chambers, meanwhile, was in the midst of the Ed Hoculi Game, catching passes in the warm sunshine of San Diego.

Looking to run away and lead the PPFFL from start to finish this season are The Dragons. Led by Kurt Warner (44.72), Brian Westbrook (29.15), Reggie Bush (20.30), and Terrell Owens (19.45), this team is looking very strong. Warner is obviously in a zone in Arizona, likely letting it all hang out knowing the fans don't expect much. We'll see what happens should the Cards be leading the NFC West around Week 6 or 7. If they are truly the Cardinals, they'll go through a 4 week stretch where Warner is sacked 30 times, the team averages 9 points a game, and Anquan Boldin assaults a group of fans after a game. Right now, this team has everything going, including karma. When DeSean Jackson pulled some thug stuff last night and taunted the Dallas DBs on his way to the end zone, karma made sure an idiot like him didn't get all the way to paydirt before flipping the ball out of bounds. The ensuing play for the Eagles ended with Westbrook tumbling over from the 1, adding 6 seemingly bonus points to The Dragons total.

Team STY had a very solid week, but still lost ground, as did almost every other team in the league. Their week went from shaky to great last night, as Tony Romo (39.49), Marion Barber III (21.70), and Nick Folk (14.00) all performed above expectations. It sure is good that Team STY recruited Jerry Jones to come in and help them during the PPFFL draft. Not to be lost in the Cowboy euphoria was another solid outing by Reggie Wayne (15.65), who is clearly Peyton Manning's new favorite target. Marvin Harrison can't like that and, as we noted last week, Marvin isn't afraid of using gun violence to get his way. Now, Marvin obviously isn't stupid enough to threaten either the franchise quarterback or the new franchise wide receiver. He could, however, go after someone close to those guys, maybe even beating them up a little to get his point across. Marvin, if you read this, remember that a couple of years ago Grant "Peaches" Napear spent a night hanging around with Manning in Indianapolis, in what Peaches described as one of the greatest nights of his life. I bet it would really upset Manning, and maybe even make him throw the ball to you more, if you had one of your boys roll into Sacramento to rough Peaches up a little. If you need further incentive, someone told me that they heard Peaches say you were a cross between Lamar from "Revenge of the Nerds" and a 3rd grade girl with polio. At least, that's what I heard.

The Maestro moved up a little, but his week could have been so much better if his players would have scored some touchdowns. In a statistical oddity for the PPFFL, this team scored over 100 points with only 1 TD factoring into the scoring. That TD, incidentally, was completely offset by the 2 interceptions thrown by Peyton Manning (29.22). Had these guys reached the end zone at all, it could have been a fantastic week. DeSean Jackson (15.10) was the biggest culprit, basically giving a TD away, but Jason Witten (15.50) was also to blame, as he was ankle tackled on the 5 yard line by a guy who weighed about 75 pounds less than him. Wes Welker (10.60) and Willie Parker (8.25) had great stats, but couldn't cross the wide line on either end of the field while toting the ball. Sebastian Janikowski (14.00) was finally given the opportunity to kick by rebellious teenaged coach Lane Kiffin, booting a team record 56 yarder early in their game against the Chiefs. Kiffin reverted to form later on, when he ordered a punt from KC's 40 yard line late in the 1st half. I guess Lane didn't notice that SeaBass' record setting kick cleared the cross bar by about 10 yards.

Making the biggest move in the standings and posting the highest point total of the week was The Dominator. The two guys most responsible were Jay Cutler (63.30) and Anquan Boldin (34.00). Cutler torched the once formidable Chargers defense, a week after doing the same to the Oakland defense. Considering the way the Chargers went up and down the field on the Broncos, the question becomes: Does the AFC West have the worst defenses in football? Each team, with the exception of the Chiefs has absolutely been torched by legit NFL offenses (the Raiders and Chiefs don't have legit offenses, hence thier game on Sunday...and a team led by Matt Cassel isn't legit, either). Back to The Dominator, Clinton Portis (18.95) had a fabulous game, then immediately told the media he was going to change his name to Irwin Fletcher, move to Los Angeles, and become a crime fighting newspaper columnist.

The Cyclones regressed a little from their first week together, but still stayed in front of our other team run by adolescents. New acquisition Ben Roethlisberger (18.22) was hampered by the wind in Cleveland, but still managed to find Hines Ward (13.95) a couple of times, including once in the end zone. Larry Fitzgerald (13.95) and Frank Gore (13.95) showcased the power of the NFC West, a power so strong, that the Cardinals only have to go 6-8 the rest of the way to do something most commentators thought wouldn't be done by a team in that division: finish with a .500 record or better. The Bears (14.00) defense was a nice replacement for the Ravens, who had their game postponed by the mighty Ike, fortunately sparing us the sight of the Ravens and Texans actually taking the same field for an actual game. A new acquisition that didn't work out quite so well was Anthony Fasano (0.00), who did as well as the dead guy found in the parking lot of Anaheim Stadium the day after Game 7 of the 2002 World Series. Thank you, Anthony, for giving the author a chance to make a reference to the unfortunate soul that somehow was missed by the 60,000 euphoric Angels fans leaving the stadium that night.

Next in line are the Gnomies, who almost cracked the century mark for the week, with a pretty balanced, but unspectacular attack. Brett Favre (21.92) was brought down to earth a little, by the Patriots. Bill Belichick coached teams don't stand around and watch when the opposing QB tosses balls up for grabs at the goal line. That's what separates a great team like New England from teams that have trouble winning twice in the same season, like the Dolphins. Greg Jennings (17.35), Adrian Peterson (16.00), Mason Crosby (12.00), and the Buccaneers defense (12.00) all cracked double figures, while Maurice Jones-Drew (9.85) barely missed. Had Jerricho Cotchery (2.00) and Heath Miller (3.65) done more than act as window dressing, this team might have passed their young rivals in the standings.

Scoring nearly 100 points more than they did last week were The Outlaws. Brandon Marshall (35.30) was the stud of the week, catching 18 passes and coming within 2 receptions of T.O.'s NFL record. Dunnavunn McNabb (29.62) was solid up to the point where he forgot how to execute a simple handoff. He was also denied a TD due to the flamboyant stupidity of DeSean Jackson. The Giants defense (18.00) was outstanding, as was Joe Nedney (16.00) who redeemed his miss at the end of regulation by beating Seattle in overtime. Eddie Royal (15.15) made the two biggest catches of Denver's game after the Broncos were given second life by Ed Hoculi. The next couple of weeks will be huge for The Outlaws as we find out the following: Do the Broncos have a great offense, or did they take advantage of a couple of weak AFC West defenses? Can Dunnavunn keep leading the Eagles to success, even though he's apparently forgotten how to hand the ball off and has a cocky idiot as his featured receiver? Can the Giants defense and Joe Nedney continue to score more points than most running backs in the league?

Notes:

• Get your transaction requests in as soon as you can. The Outlaws, once again, have the first crack at all available free agents.
• Ed Hoculi obviously made a bad call at the end of the San Diego/Denver game on Sunday, but his hands were tied by a horrible rule stating that plays during which a whistle is blown can't be reviewed. That's just plain stupid. The NFL's position is that players stop playing when they hear the whistle, therefore you can't take into account anything that happens afterward. Do the guys making the rules watch the games? Every time the ball hits the ground, someone picks it up and runs with it while the opposing team chases him, regardless of whether an official is blowing his whistle. Neither Jay Cutler, who was Denver's best chance to get the ball, nor Tim Dobbins, who actually picked up the ball, payed any attention to Hoculi's whistle. Norv Turner was right to be steamed after the game. Notice, though, that he saved most of his venom for the press conference and didn't unload on Hoculi on the field. Even Norv is smart enough to know thay you don't want to mess with the pythons that Ed is covering with his sleeves.
• To those of you that think the Seahawks are looked down upon by the league and networks, think again. Their game against the Niners drew Fox's #2 announcing team. Thank goodness, too. With so many unknown players on the field and so much scoring, can you imagine what it would have been like had Dick Stockton been assigned? The spotter and producer would have filed for combat pay after trying to keep Stockton straight on which players were doing what. And, I'm certain the color analyst would have been in the Stadium Club getting hammered by the middle of the second quarter.
• NBC's Football Night in America did what was nearly impossible: it got worse from Week 1 to Week 2. They have about 40 "analysts" on the show, and none of them appear to care that they have been hired to actually analyze football. Keith Olbermann and Dan Patrick are absolutely brutal, along the lines of which we haven't seen before. Most of the people watching don't even remember that the two ushered in the era of snarky highlight commentary on SportsCenter. Those that do remember probably are annoyed by Olbermann's condescending personality these days and wish the guy would go suck on a tail pipe. FNIA has gotten to the point where Bob Costas looks to say as little as possible, going totally against his windbag persona, probably to trick people into thinking he isn't actually the leader of this mess. And, Cris Collinsworth looks like he's trying to find an escape route every time the camera zooms in on him. By the end of the season, I predict Costas will throw it to Collinsowrth and all that will be in his chair is a dummy reminiscent of the ones used to escape from Alcatraz.
• If you want to see expert analysis, tune into ESPN. Last night, Mike Ditka was given the first chance to drop some knowledge on America during Monday Night Countdown. When asked what would determine the winner of the game, Iron Mike told us that it would be like that old song "Get Physical" and that the team that was the most physical would win. He also said that there might be some points scored, but it won't be pretty. Does every guy that played 40 years ago think that they have to tell us that the team who plays more physical will win? This is FOOTBALL! Of course the team that comes out and hits harder and gets after it is probably going to win. Jack Youngblood, you need to contact an attorney, because Mike Ditka is stealing your material.

Well, that's it for this week. Have a great week and do great things, gentlemen.

The Commish

Monday Memo v3.2

The Dragons are in position to make a very bold statement as we head into our second Monday night of the season. Another solid Sunday, led by Kurt Warner (take THAT, Dunnavunn), has The Dragons pulling for Terrell Owens and Brian Westbrook tonight to put major distance between them and the rest of the league.

Current Standings:
The Dragons 206.91
The Dominator 198.35
Cyclones 188.78
Gnomies 177.50
The Maestro 177.36
Team STY 145.95
The Outlaws 133.82

Tonight's collision between the Cowboys and Eagles brings with it immense importance to the PPFFL. That is, if there is immense importance allowed as early as Week 2. In addition to the studs The Dragons are running out tonight, Team STY will have its hopes pinned on its stable of Cowboys, Romo, Barber, and Folk. The Outlaws will hope their acquisition of Dunnavunn McNabb results in similar dividends to what he produced last week (and not another season ending injury). The Maestro, meanwhile, is relying on DeSean Jackson and Jason Witten to have big games so our defending champ can stay relevant past Week 2.

This was a huge week to be so early in the season. We haven't even mentioned the monster week had by The Dominator. That, and so much more, will be covered in tomorrow's weekly review. Until then, enjoy Tirico, Kornheiser, and Jaws, while being greatful that the 3 Mikes are now back to doing their day jobs. Oh, and hope that, on the last Monday on which football will be played in Texas Stadium, another hole opens in the roof...and said pieces of the roof land right on the head of Stuart Scott.

Hurricane Ike Killed Jerry Rivers

Just kidding. Ike didn't kill Geraldo Rivera, although he had to tie himself to a palm tree to keep from being blown to Cancun by the wind while he gave live updates. What's the point in that? Haven't we all seen enough video of hurricanes to have a pretty good idea what's going to happen? Geraldo always delivers the goods, though. The day he dies, be it during a hurricane, walking through contaminated water after a flood, or by eating a live scorpion, the world is going to lose one entertaining "journalist".

Anyway, Hurricane Ike did force the NFL to postpone tomorrow's game between the Texans and the Ravens. The only effect on the PPFFL was the Cyclones having to change their defense for the week (what, nobody has Joe Flacco or Matt Schaub?). They decided to roll with the Bears in hopes that excellent driver Lance Briggs takes another fumble to the house.

Week 2 Starting Lineups

The Dragons
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
RB: Reggie Bush - NO
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal
WR: Randy Moss - NE
TE: Kellen Winslow, Jr. - Cle
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: Cleveland


Cyclones
QB: Ben Roethlisberger - Pit
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - SD
RB: Frank Gore - SF
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
WR: Hines Ward - Pit
TE: Anthony Fasano - Mia
K: Adam Vinatieri - Ind
D: Baltimore


Team STY
QB: Tony Romo - Dal
RB: Steven Jackson - StL
RB: Marion Barber III - Dal
WR: Braylon Edwards - Cle
WR: Reggie Wayne - Ind
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Nick Folk - Dal
D: San Diego


The Maestro
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind
RB: Willie Parker - Pit
RB: Fred Taylor - Jac
WR: Wes Welker - NE
WR: DeSean Jackson - Phi
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: Pittsburgh


Gnomies
QB: Brett Favre - America
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jac
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
WR: Jericho Cotchery - NYJ
TE: Heath Miller - Pit
K: Mason Crosby - GB
D: Tampa Bay


The Dominator
QB: Jay Cutler - Den
RB: Joseph Addai - Ind
RB: Clinton Portis - Was
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
WR: Darrell Jackson - Den
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: Shayne Graham - Cin
D: Minnesota


The Outlaws
QB: Dunnavunn McNabb - Phi
RB: Michael Turner - Atl
RB: Matt Forte - Chi
WR: Brandon Marshall - Den
WR: Eddie Royal - Den
TE: Alge Crumpler - Ten
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: New York Giants

Week 2 Transactions

The Outlaws waive Tom Brady (QB - New England) and acquire Dunnavunn McNabb (QB - Philadelphia)
The Outlaws waive Justin Fargas (RB - Oakland) and acquire Matt Forte (RB - Chicago)
The Outlaws waive Isaac Bruce (WR - San Francisco) and acquire Eddie Royal (WR - Denver)

The Dominator waives Matt Hasselbeck (QB - Seattle) and acquires Jay Cutler (QB - Denver)
The Dominator places Marques Colston (WR - New Orleans) on the Injured List and acquires Darrell Jackson (WR - Denver)

The Gnomies waive Matt Jones (WR - Jacksonville) and acquire Jericho Cotchery (WR - New York Jets)
The Gnomies waive the New England defense and acquire the Tampa Bay defense

The Maestro waives Laverneaus Coles (WR - New York Jets) and acquires DeSean Jackson (WR - Philadelphia)

The Cyclones waive JaMarcus Russell (QB - Oakland) and acquire Ben Roethlisberger (QB - Pittsburgh)
The Cyclones waive Todd Heap (TE - Baltimore) and acquire Anthony Fasano (TE - Miami)



Gee, do you think the owners in this league are piling on the Raiders this week? Nearly half of the transactions were the dumping of a Raider or picking up someone from Denver. The owners in this league sure don't subscribe to the "It's just one game" mentality.

Week 2 Schedule


SUN, SEP 14

Tennessee at Cincinnati
10:00 AM

Green Bay at Detroit
10:00 AM

Oakland at Kansas City
10:00 AM

NY Giants at St. Louis
10:00 AM

Indianapolis at Minnesota
10:00 AM

New Orleans at Washington
10:00 AM

Chicago at Carolina
10:00 AM

Buffalo at Jacksonville
10:00 AM

San Francisco at Seattle
1:05 PM

Atlanta at Tampa Bay
1:05 PM

Baltimore at Houston
1:15 PM

New England at NY Jets
1:15 PM

Miami at Arizona
1:15 PM

San Diego at Denver
1:15 PM

Pittsburgh at Cleveland
5:15 PM


MON, SEP 15

Philadelphia at Dallas
5:30 PM

Tuesday Review v3.1

If nothing else, Week 1 of the 2008 NFL season taught us that our very own Bay Area teams look to be just as crummy as they've been since Jeff Garcia and Bill Callahan left town. The Niners turned the ball over 5 times and only had one meaningful offenseive possession in the 2nd half against the Cardinals, while the Raiders were absolutely pantsed on Monday Night Football by the Broncos. The really sad thing is that neither the Cardnials nor the Broncos are expected to be elite teams this season. But, hey, on the bright side, this isn't the first year we've seen this, so we're all used to it.

Another lesson learned was not to mess with the football gods the way New England did last season. Tom Brady is now officially out for the season, leading to Matt Cassel calling signals for the Patriots. The same Matt Cassel that backed up Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart at USC. That may sound slightly impressive now, but think about 20 years down the line, when most people remember the NFL career of Leinart. Cassel's kids will say, "Sure, you started at QB in the NFL, but you couldn't even beat out someone as crappy as Leinart in college. And, there's now way that guy won the Heisman Trophy."

Week 1 in the PPFFL taught us that combustable personalities can coexist on a fake team, you should beware of who you run off when you want to create your own team, and the football gods have an extremely long memory.

Official Standings:
The Dragons 110.04
Cyclones 104.01
Team STY 102.15
The Maestro 98.59
Gnomies 82.73
The Dominator 52.50
The Outlaws 34.52

This week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award" predictably goes to The Outlaws. Their lineup consisted of a pair of wide receivers (Isaac Bruce and Jabar Gaffney) who failed to score a single fantasy point. Anyone else with a heartbeat would have been a better choice. In all fairness, the battery on the Rascal used by Bruce to get around the field went dead, leaving him to rely on his legs to try and get open. That made him way slower than normal. The Outlaws also sat out Michael Turner (27.30) in favor of Ryan Grant (4.60) and Aaron Rodgers (33.31) in favor of a guy who had his knee blown out, much to the delight of about 95% of America. If you thought Sarah Palin's 80% approval rating as Alaska's governor was high, look at the approval rating for Bernard Pollard. If that guy ran for President, he's win every state but Massachussetts.

Leading the way after Week 1 this season are The Dragons. Terrell Owens (15.35), Pfc. Kellen Winslow, Jr. (13.35) and Randy Moss (18.80) have proven that they can get along, at least for one week, on a fake team. Marshawn Lynch (13.70), like Lance Briggs before him, has proven that getting liquored up and wrecking your car in the offseason while lying about it doesn't negatively impact your Week 1 performance. And, Dunnavunn McNabb and Brian Westbrook (18.60) proved that being loyal to the stars on your favorite team can pay off big dividends, as Dave has grown to realize over the last couple of seasons. What's that? Oh, yeah, he took Kurt Warner (23.24) in round 14 of the draft, not the supposedly washed up Dunnavunn. The Dragons are hoping Dunnavunn's performance on Sunday had more to do with the Rams than anything else.

Close behind after the first week are The Cyclones. This is the team that was created after Alex and Jesse ditched Jack so they could have their own team. Ironically, those three were leading the league after Week 1 of 2007, before slowly dropping back into the middle of the pack. Jack always said that the other two quit listening to him after the first couple of weeks. Maybe he was right. Anyway, these guys were led by Drew Brees (44.26) who took the early lead in the race for 2008 PPFFL MVP. Calvin Johnson (15.35), the Baltimore defense (13.00), and Larry Fitzgerald (10.55) also chipped in, offsetting a disappointing week from LaDainian Tomlinson (8.60).

Riding the arm of Tony Romo (33.75) and the legs of Marion Barber III (20.05) was Team STY. Things couldn't have worked out better than the Cowboys drawing the pathetic Cleveland defense in Week 1. When you consider that, plus the fact that the City of Burning Rivers isn't known for having a huge population of hot chicks, you knew that Romo was due for a big game. Reggie Wayne (20.30) appears to have taken over from 93 year old Marvin Harrison as the Colts top receiver. Okay, Marvin really isn't that old, he just moves like a guy much older. At one point on Sunday night, John Madden commented that he wouldn't be surprised if the Colts went for a big play to Harrison down the sideline. And, how would they accomplish that, John? Would Harrison be riding a Vespa? If Sunday night was any indication, DeAngelo Hall could cover him right now, which isn't a good thing. Of course, I wouldn't say that to Marvin's face. He obviously isn't shy about pulling out a piece and squeezing off a few shots if you insult him, or fail to pay your tab in his bar.

Our defending champ, The Maestro, currenlty sits in the geographical center of the league. It's an improvement over last season, when he sat in last place after Week 1. Of course, last season he put Tom Brady and Randy Moss into the lineup starting in Week 2 and the rest is history. That won't be happing this season, so he'll have to count on Peyton Manning (31.64) and Willie Parker (27.90) to stay solid while guys like Wes Welker (6.55), Devin Hester (5.35) and Fred Taylor (2.35) pick things up a little. Jason Witten (10.80) had a nice week, but was a bit disappointed. He felt he should have done much more against a Browns defense that was required to hop around on one foot the whole game.

Obviously missing Jack's expertise are the Gnomies. Had Adrian Peterson (15.70) not had a nice game on MNF, it would have been a really bad week. The only other double figure scorers for these guys were the New England defense (10.00) and Brett Favre (25.48). You know that, with Brett Favre, this team is going to be relevant all season long. Sorry, Chris Berman broke in there for a second. That could be true, though, as none other than one of Miami's defensive backs admitted that there was divine intervention in play on Sunday. In describing the 4th down play from Miami's 23 where Favre blindly threw a pass up for grabs, only to see some scrub receiver from the Jets catch it for a touchdown, this scrub DB from the Dolphins (come on, this was a Dolphins/Jets game, cut me some slack on not knowing the names) said that since Favre threw the pass, God willed for it to be a touchdown. Really? Most of us just thought it was caught because the play came against the only team that couldn't win 2 games last season. You would think that a team that practices against Chad Pennington every day would be ready for passes that travel very slowly and hang in the air for a long time. When asked about that, Miami's defensive coordinator defended his guys by saying Pennington couldn't throw the ball that high or that far.

Joining Tom Brady as a testament to what the football gods can do to those who show unnecessary hubris is The Dominator. We all remember Week 10 of our inaugural season when he trotted out his "JV Squad" out of "sympathy" to the rest of us. Every week since has seemed to be an even further journey into the abyss. This week was no different, as Matt Hasselbeck (12.80) and Anquan Boldin (12.10) were his only players to reach double figures. Marques Colston (4.30) didn't do much even though Brees was completing passes to everyone in the stadium, including a cheerleader and the guy selling churros in section 219. Joseph Addai (3.35) didn't get much action after the Colts fell behind, Clinton Portis (4.20) brought the wrong personality, and Tony Gonzalez (8.75)....well, he plays for the Chiefs. Hasn't karma had enough fun with this fake team? When will this all be over? If the football gods really do have this long of a memory, can we look forward to New England having about 15 straight losing seasons, Bill Belichick sharing a cell with O.J. Simpson, and the team moving to Cheyenne?

Brining up the rear are The Outlaws. Once Brady went down with the lightning bolt to the knee, things were over for this team. When you don't get any points from your receivers, you have to have a huge game from your QB. That didn't happen, so we got to see a new record set for the lowest single week total in PPFFL history. If not for Branndon Jacobs (10.20), this would have been the first ocho uno in league history (all eight players scoring in single digits). On the bright side, the team in last place gets first dibs on free agent players. A claim was put in for Dunnavunn McNabb before the game was complete on Sunday night. Let's hope that Dunnavunn keeps up his stellar play from the first week. Let's also hope that Isaac Bruce finds a personal transportation device that is reliable enough to get him open a few times this season.

Notes:

• Free agents can be picked up in reverse order of the standings. And, I wasn't joking when I said The Outlaws put in a claim for McNabb on Sunday night. Get your claims in as soon as you can so I can get things organized.
• For those of you who were breathlessly awaiting the announcement, the season opener between the defending champ Giants and the Redskins was, in fact, the Pillow Fight of the Week.
• I don't want to say I told you so, but Keith Olbermann and Dan Patrick were brutal on Sunday night. Does anybody know why the powers that be at NBC think America wants to see more of Olbermann on their networks? One smarmy know-it-all is enough on any show. Since Bob Costas has been there longer than KO, he gets to stay.
• How about the 3 Mikes calling the Denver/Oakland game last night? Two Mikes would have been better; One Mike would have been awesome; and Zero Mikes would have definitely been the best.
• As this is the week of September 11, think about how fortunate we are to have Brett Favre playing quarterback for the Jets. Now, New York can finally heal those wounds that have been open since 2001. With Favre in The Big Apple we can all now realize that there is strength, hope, and dignity in our society. We have recovered and overcome the devastation that was brought down upon the biggest city in this great country of ours. With Favre now on the scene, all is well. Wait a minute....the Jets practice and play in New Jersey? Forget it.

Have a great week, and do great things.

The Commish

Monday Memo v3.1

The first Sunday of the NFL season has given us inconclusive evidence that you should not mess with the Football gods. All last season the Patriots, who were caught blatantly cheating, ran up the score on opponents and kept QB Tom Brady in already decided games so that he could build up record breaking stats. Most of this was done by Bill Belichick as a big middle finger to the league and its members who would have the nerve to call them out as cheaters. Haaving Brady run up astronomical stats was done in an attempt to wipe the name of hated rival Peyton Manning from the record books.

As if losing the most recent Super Bowl to a team that barely made the playoffs and was led by Peyton's usually inept little brother wasn't enough, it looks as though the Patriots will have to go through the remainder of the 2008 season with Matt Cassel under center. Early in yesterday's game against the dreadfully bad Chiefs, Tom Brady was hit and suffered an apparently season ending knee injury. For all of you in the sports media who have an undeniable crush on Mr. Brady, just think how super hot he will look on the sidelines in his trendy clothing with his hair styled perfectly.

This cataclysmic event (well, certain people in the media will treat it as such) may not be the end of the vengeance being exacted by the Football gods. Belichick was ruthless last season and was more of a sore winner than any coach in recorded history. It says here that we may be seeing something along the lines of a federal tax evasion indictment coming down on the coach soon. Either that or a messy paternity suit.

Now, on to issues that affect the few people who actually read this stuff. Week 1 brought us a serious divide between the top and the bottom of the PPFFL. Divides like this usually don't happen until about Week 5 or 6.

Current Standings:
The Dragons 110.04
Team STY 102.15
Cyclones 100.16
The Maestro 96.59
Gnomies 51.48
The Dominator 50.50
The Outlaws 29.92

Of all of the teams hovering around 50 points or below, the Gnomies are the only ones who have a chance to move into the territory of the top 4. They have Greg Jennings, Adrian Peterson, and Mason Crosby playing in tonight's early collision between the Packers and Vikings. The Dominator has the Vikings defense taking the field for him, while The Outlaws need a huge, I'm talking record breaking, game from Ryan Grant in order to crack half-a-hundred.

As for the teams at the top, the Cyclones have Darren McFadden toting the ball in his first regualr season game. The Maestro is hoping Sebastian Janikowski will be kicking them long, straight, and often. The Dragons and Team STY, meanwhile, will be watching and hoping the Raiders do absolutely nothing on offense. In other words, they are hoping the Raiders do what they've done since Bill Callahan left.

A full review of Week 1 will follow tomorrow.

Peaches Napear Loves The Dragons

If last night's game didn't make you want to go jump off a bridge, I don't know what will. The scintillating 16-7 victory by the defending Super Bowl champs over the Redskins was nothing short of sleep inducing. Let's hope that game isn't a precursor to what we will see for the rest of the 2008 season. If it is, then soccer might finally be able to gain a little market share in this country. Heck, a lot more games like that could lead to people calling for televised curling and badminton.

The Giants and Redskins could end up being the Pillow Fight of the Week, edging the favorite coming into Week 1, Monday night's clash between the Broncos and Raiders.

Speaking of the Raiders, their summer voice Grant "Peaches" Napear was regaling those in the Sacramento region today with tales of his trip to New York to watch last night's sissy fight. He and Mike Lamb were also getting into the rest of the league while Lamb worked on polishing off a 36 pound honey glazed ham. Okay, that's not entirely true. They were mostly talking about the Raiders and Niners.

Anyway, Peaches said he would take Kurt Warner over "J.T. O'Sullivan and a heck of a lot of other quarterbacks in this league." The platitudes just keep raining down upon The Dragons for their savvy draft. If Peaches says it is, then you know it is. In all fairness to Peaches, he does occasionally call out Lamb for agreeing with the stupidest of callers. When a guy phoned today to say the Raiders needed to protect JaMarcus Russell and guard against the blitz from the corners, Lamb's reaction would have made you think he was on a conference call with the ghosts of Bill Walsh and Sid Gilman. Peaches cleverly snuck in a "yeah, every team in the NFL goes with that strategy every week." It was a nice way to remind Lamb that Al Davis won't have him killed if he disagreed with a Raider fan. I mean, where would Al find someone who could dig a hole big enough to bury Lamb? You'd need two holes...one for Lamb and one for the guy who died from exhaustion while digging the hole.

Well, a trip to the official website of the Stunting Cars beckons. May you all have the best of luck on Sunday, and may The Outlaws enjoy their stay at the top of the league standings. If nothing else, they can brag that they led for the first 72 hours of the 2008 PPFFL season.

Week 1 Observations

All of the starting lineups have been submitted so the PPFFL is ready for the footballs to start flying through the air. Before the balls are placed on the kicking tees, let's throw some things out regarding our fake league, as well as the real one that we all love to follow....

The most interesting lineup submitted in the PPFFL for Week 1 definitely belongs to The Dragons. Let's face it, we'd all like to see T.O., Randy Moss, and Pfc. Kellen Winslow, Jr. on a real team together fighting to get the ball and, more importantly, to get most of the media's attention. It looks like we might be getting close to adding Marshawn Lynch to the wing nut category, too. If this were a real team, it would be epic, especially if a passive push-over like Wade Phillips or Norv Turner were coaching it.

Keeping with The Dragons, their starting QB for the week is a guy taken in the last round of our draft. Kurt Warner was darn near our Mr. Irrelevant, and now he's starting in Week 1. One thing is for sure, on Monday morning either the aptitude of Dave or the rest of us will be under some serious scrutiny.

The real life Jaguars are dangerously close to stepping into the domain normally reserved for the Bengals and once occupied by the Trail Blazers (one difference being the Bengals and Blazers always shot first). It wouldn't be a surprise at this point to hear that Maurice Jones-Drew has kids scattered all over Southern California. And, if word spreads that David Garrard is planning a team party on a boat, all bets are off.

A quick note from The Dominator who wishes all to have a good season and hopes there aren't any sore losers at season's end. He obviously anticipates Clinton Portis using his "good football player personality" most of the season.

Something tells me The Maestro might be wallowing near the bottom in Week 4 telling the critics in his house, "You're not going to see Adrian Peterson or Tom Brady or Randy Moss walk though that door. And, if they did, they'd be wearing the colors of someone else's team."

Just for the fun of it, here's hoping that we get to hear Dick Stockton call a few games this season. With both local teams drawing the #6 or #7 announcing teams, it's likely that we could have the only announcer in America more senile than Gary Gerould calling a few Niner or Raider games this year. Not to wish any harm on the guy, but his career would fittingly end if he died while sitting in the booth during a Niner/Cardinal game. The first clue about his demise would be having the intern who stepped in for him actually calling the players by their correct names.

As this is being written, we're about 70 minutes away from another Barry Zito start. I, for one, am ripe with anticipation.

Speaking of countdowns, we're getting really close to something America (the country, not Brett Favre) has been waiting a long time for: BERMAN TIME! With the Thursday game this week, we'll probably get the 2-Minute Drill (that actually lasts around 5 minutes) and the Swami tonight; a game recap with Tom Jackson tomorrow; NFL GameDay and PrimeTime on Sunday; and the Monday Night Football halftime show, along with his Top 10 plays (which always consists of about 30 plays) on Monday.

The return of Berman also means we will soon be seeing Stu Scott standing on the fake football field in the ESPN studios, holding a football, doing poetry slams about the Bengals wide receivers. May the wayward sky divers who delivered a game ball to Duke last week instead of North Carolina land right on top of Stu during their next assignment.

With that, savor the anticipation of another NFL and PPFFL season that starts in about 30 hours.

The Commish

Week 1 Starting Lineups

The Maestro
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind
RB: Willie Parker - Pit
RB: Fred Taylor - Jac
WR: Wes Welker - NE
WR: Devin Hester - Chi
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: Pittsburgh


The Dragons
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
RB: Marshawn Lynch - Buf
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal
WR: Randy Moss - NE
TE: Kellen Winslow - Cle
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: Cleveland


Team STY
QB: Tony Romo - Dal
RB: Marion Barber III - Dal
RB: Steven Jackson - StL
WR: Braylon Edwards - Cle
WR: Reggie Wayne - Ind
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Nick Folk - Dal
D: San Diego


Cyclones
QB: Drew Brees - NO
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - SD
RB: Darren McFadden - Oak
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
WR: Calvin Johnson - Det
TE: Dallas Clark - Ind
K: Adam Vinatieri - Ind
D: Baltimore


Gnomies
QB: Brett Favre - NYJ
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jac
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
WR: T.J. Houshmanzadeh - Cin
TE: Heath Miller - Pit
K: Mason Crosby - GB
D: New England


The Outlaws
QB: Tom Brady - NE
RB: Ryan Grant - GB
RB: Brandon Jacobs - NYG
WR: Isaac Bruce - SF
WR: Jabar Gaffney - NE
TE: Alge Crumpler - Den
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: New York Giants


The Dominator
QB: Matt Hasselbeck - Sea
RB: Joseph Addai - Ind
RB: Clinton Portis - Was
WR: Marques Colston - NO
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: Shayne Graham - Cin
D: Minnesota

Week 1 Reminders

As we are heading toward the first official collisions of the 2008 NFL season, please be aware that the season starts on Thursday. That's right, just a couple of days from now. We haven't seen Mr. Pint-sized Hubris, Bob Costas, in over a week now, so NBC had to get a game televised this Thursday so we wouldn't miss him too much. After all, Americans look to Costas to see just how enlightened we all need to be. We also have an expanded crew on Football Night in America (they're adding more people, Jerome Bettis didn't get fatter...well, he probably did, but I'm referring to more people being involved) so this will be an event for the ages. The biggest question for me will be whether Keith Olbermann could possibly be any lamer than he was last season. If you look at all of the crappy analysts and commentators on the air today, nobody is as bad as Olbermann was last year. He'll have his old buddy, Dan Patrick, to work with again, so maybe he'll get a little better. My prediction is that he's just as bad as ever and spends most of his time carrying on his creepy infatuation with Barry Obama.

Now, for a few reminders:

• Since the season begins Thursday, you need to have your lineups in by Wedneasday afternoon, at the latest. Email, call, send some smoke signals or a carrier pigeon and I'll get your starters entered for the week.
• Roster changes cannot be made until the conclusion of Week 1. At that time, free agents can be claimed in the reverse order of the standings. So, if things go the way they did last season, The Dominator will have the first crack at all of the players who weren't drafted (maybe he'll snatch up Matt Leinart!).
• If one of your players gets hurt, you can keep him on your roster while picking up a replacement up until the week he is declared "Probable" on the injury report, or actually plays in a game. At that time, a player will need to be dropped from your roster.
• Any trade that is proposed must be accepted by one more than half of the owners not involved in the trade. In most cases, that means 3 owners have to accept it. Once a proposed trade is brought to my attention, I will contact the other owners. Once enough votes have been recorded, I will announce the validity of the deal.

So, without further ado, let's get on with the season.

Good luck gentlemen, and may the best man, or boy(s), be the top fake football GM of 2008.

The Commish

Week 1 Schedule


THU, SEP 4

Washington at NY Giants
4:00 PM

SUN, SEP 7

Detroit at Atlanta
10:00 AM

Seattle at Buffalo
10:00 AM

Jacksonville at Tennessee
10:00 AM

NY Jets at Miami
10:00 AM

Kansas City at New England
10:00 AM

Tampa Bay at New Orleans
10:00 AM

St. Louis at Philadelphia
10:00 AM

Houston at Pittsburgh
10:00 AM

Cincinnati at Baltimore
10:00 AM

Carolina at San Diego
1:15 PM

Arizona at San Francisco
1:15 PM

Dallas at Cleveland
1:15 PM

Chicago at Indianapolis
5:15 PM


MON, SEP 8

Minnesota at Green Bay
4:00 PM

Denver at Oakland
7:15 PM