Tuesday Morning Review #8

With some help from the A-Man, who is in studio today, we have the Halloween version of the TMR. Week 8 was, from top to bottom, the best week in the history of the PPFFL. Everyone, with the exception of The Dragons, scored at least 120 points. It was a case of the rich getting richer, however, as The Dominator and Cyhawks led the way. A little less than halfway through the season, The Dominator has a commanding lead, but everyone seems to be figuring this fantasy football thing out, so for the sake of competition, lets hope things tighten up over the last 53% of the season.

Official standings (Week 8):

The Dominator 907.14 (144.70)
Cyhawks 865.34 (140.32)
Plan Z 809.02 (124.54)
The Dragons 791.77 (93.72)
The Spongebobs 750.13 (120.16)

During a week where every team but one hit triple figures, you would think that one team would have the inside track at the "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award". Unfortunately for The Dragons, they pretty much played their best players, leaving nobody on the bench that would have helped them out. The winner this week is The Spongebobs. They left Marques Colston (29.15) on the bench against the formidable Baltimore defense. He racked up a nice point total for a WR while starter Donald Driver (7.40) was having a very ho-hum day against the anemic defense of the Cardinals. Congratulations go out to Patrick's best friend and Squidward's arch nemesis on repeating their honor from Week 6.

The Manning Train was once again chugging along for The Dominator. Peyton (58.35), otherwise known as "The Manning who doesn't throw off of his back foot into triple coverage all the time", exploded again this week against the previously dominant Denver defense. At halftime, it looked like "The Franchise" might be having one of those days where he throws for a ton of yards, but not many TDs. It turns out he was just setting up Adam Vinatieri (16.00), The Dominator's kicker, for the top scoring day for a non-athlete in PPFFL history. Once the second half came, the TDs followed and another 50+ point day was the result. It was far from a one or two man show, though, as everyone that played for our leader and mentor, with the exception of the Bucs defense (3.00) scored in double figures. Steven Jackson (15.95), who The Dominator once listed as "Michael" on his lineup wasn't quite a thriller, but certainly won't be told to beat it any time soon. Alge Crumpler (13.60) capitalized on the resurgence of Ron Mexico; Willie Parker (13.55) and Hines Ward (12.05) had solid games while their QB was pulling a mini-Grossman; and Darrell Jackson (12.20) hauled in one of Seneca Wallace's first TD passes. Let's face it, when Parker and Ward hit double digits in that disaster of a performance by the Steelers, you know they take pride in performing for The Dominator....and are probably a little scared of what he might do should they lay an egg.

Another great week from the Cyhawks only resulted in an even bigger deficit in the standings. Right now, they just can't get out of The Dominator's way. It was a week where only 3 games had to be followed in order for Ang to keep track of his whole team, possibly saying something about the choice of games that the Fox and CBS affiliates in Iowa make. Riding the arm of Carson Palmer (33.67) and the legs, arm, hands, and heart of LaDainian Tomlinson (36.00), they appeared to be making a move toward the top of the standings. In fact, if Ang had ever confused LDT with a former pop star who has a Peter Pan complex (which is about all I can write since kids might be reading this) and who now lives in an obscure country in the Middle East, well I could throw in a couple of lame puns while writing about him. Instead, I'll just say that he is definitely the front runner for the PPFFL "Non-QB MVP". The baddest man in the NFL, Steve Smith (16.75) threw up good numbers in a game where Delhomme and Keyshawn did what they could to make sure the Panthers went home with a loss. Jake, from now on, don't throw Keyshawn the d*** ball so much when you have Smith on the other side. Ocho Cinco (15.90) had his first solid game in a long time, even though we didn't get to see the Chad Johnson disappearing ball with a puff of smoke TD celebration.

Plan Z took the lead in their 3rd place/4th place dance with The Dragons. Amid catcalls from Alex and Jack about better things that could have been done with the roster, Rex Grossman (43.04) bounced back from his debacle in Arizona by taking advantage of the 8 man Niners defense. Nothing is better for a QB coming off of a horrible game than facing a defense that plays three men short. Outside of Rex, only the Chiefs in the Plan Z lineup did anything of note. Larry Johnson (38.05) and Tony Gonzalez (16.80) were both very productive in the shootout at Arrowhead. Marvin Harrison (6.90), who once was taking aim at numbers put up by the likes of Rice, Carter, and Brown, now is looking like Rice after he left the Niners...no, not Raider Jerry, or even Seahawk Jerry...we're talking Bronco Jerry (which means Plan Z will send Harrison to the bench, only to watch him score 4 or 5 TDs in the next game). Torry Holt (7.40) was off of his game for the first time since Week 2 and Maurice Jones-Drew (7.35) failed to get into the end zone for the first time in a month. Maybe Alex and Jack are right. Without big weeks from Grossman and the Chiefs, this would have been a horrible week for Plan Z. For that reason, A&J are taking over all personnel decisions for Week 9, and maybe beyond. Just remember when the transactions and starting lineups are posted this week that Plan Z is being run by an 8-year old and a 6-year old. If you think your kids fight, wait until Sunday if some of A&J's moves don't work out. Also remember their ages if Plan Z goes nuts and scores in the mid 150s while your team struggles to get to triple digits.

The woman in the 3rd place/4th place dance this week was The Dragons. Much like Jerry Springer, their performance fell a little short of the rest of the league. Dunnavunn McNabb's (15.07) rare struggles led to boos from the fans in Philly and a less than stellar week for his PPFFL team. Even worse was Reggie Bush (2.55) who again showed some rookie inconsistency while injuring himself against Baltimore. Thank goodness The Dragons had the foresight to start Thomas Jones (19.70) against the Niners and their 2-3-3 defense. Kellen Winslow (16.80) kept up his steady ways against the Jets in what can only be described as the most nondescript game of the season. Seriously, if you're producer for any of the Sunday morning pregame shows, how do you come up with an exciting angle for a Jets/Browns game? Put those two teams or the Bills against anyone in the league and the game automatically becomes the snoozer of the week. When two of them play each other, it's officially the snoozer of the year. Considering the fact that the Bills and Jets play twice a season, it's no wonder Bills fans are hoping for heavy snow late in the season. Chucking snowballs and riding cardboard boxes down stadium stairs is much more worth $80 for a ticket than watching the boring and crappy Bills play the boring Jets.

Bucking their season long trend, The Spongebobs followed up a good week with another good week. They may be Team Schizo no more. In what was a puzzling move at first glance, they started Frank Gore (11.00) against the Chicago defense (16.00). Oddly enough, and that's a pretty good way to describe the SB's season, it worked out well. Bob made a great move in starting Drew Brees (36.46) and also picked up Jason Witten (16.00) for Tony Romo's first career start. It's a fact in the NFL that young and inexperienced QBs like to rely on their tight ends for safe, low risk passes. Brian Westbrook (13.30) had his second straight week where he performed worse than the standard he set early on. Is this just a brief slump that coincides with the rest of the Eagles, or a sign that he was a bit overused by Andy Reid early on? Every season, Westbrook seems to come up lame late in the year, and he's been battling a knee injury all season. A heavy workload probably wasn't the best thing for him while he was trying to heal. On the other hand, Brian Westbrook is a football player and football players play football. He is in the National Football League and that means that as a football player, you want to be out there playing smash mouth football. Brian Westbrook doesn't think about his knee when he's playing physical football because that's the way you have to be when you are playing in the National Football League. That's what those of us who play or have played in the National Football League call savvy and Brian Westbrook has a lot of savvy. Whoa! Sorry, I was channeling Mark Schlereth, Sean Salisbury, Mike Golic, and every other ex-player in the National Football League that now gets their mug on TV to discuss football and football players.

Notes:

• The order for transactions is The Spongebobs, The Dragons, Plan Z, Cyhawks, and The Dominator.
• In a season where each network seems to be trying to set the standard for the lamest thing to be broadcast on TV, ESPN once again took the lead with that stupid race between people dressed up like ESPN personalities. Sausage racing in Milwaukee is awesome; Presidents racing in Washington is cool, too; Chris Berman, Mike Tirico, Joe Theismann, et al, running up and down the Metrodome field is completely moronic. It wasn't even a good race, either. Tirico had the early lead because he figured out how to get his feet out of those enormous shoes they were wearing. Steve Young then decided it was a real race and started sprinting (was anyone else curious why the other characters were normal sized while the guy in the Steve Young costume was about 6'10"?). Meanwhile, the rest of the personalities were walking at best, or in Theismann's case limping (was that supposed to be the Joe a couple of months after LT snapped his leg in half?). Throw in the Metrodome announcer who had to somehow incorporate every character into his play-by-play while Young ran the course in about 10.2 seconds and it was probably the dumbest moment in halftime entertaiment history. Yes, even dumber that the night they had square dancing at halftime of a Kings game. The bit may have worked if it had played out like this:

The gun goes off. Tirico immediately finds the best looking Vikings cheerleader and starts chatting her up. Berman, meanwhile, sits down and starts eating a pile of double cheeseburgers. Theismann gets off to a good start, but halfway through has to stop and change into his Toronto Argonauts uniform, since his pro football roots were first planted in the Great White North. Michael Irvin, who breaks out to a big lead, is suddenly blind sided by someone wearing a giant Reggie White head. As the crowd goes crazy, a stripper runs out to help and The Playmaker starts vacuuming up the 30 yard line with his nose. A guy with a giant policeman's head comes running out and Irvin explains that he was just cleaning up a mess left by his cousin and that he was doing nothing wrong. The race is now down to Tom Jackson, Tony Kornheiser, and Steve Young. Nobody really cares about Jackson, so someone with a giant "Gong Show"-style hook eliminates him from the race. Kornheiser is like 60 years old, so Young is out in the open, all by himself heading for the finish line and certain victory....when he finds someone wearing a giant Joe Montana head being crowned the winner. That's okay Steve, maybe you can win after fake Super Joe wins three more of these stupid races.

I think that's probably enough for Week 8. Get those transaction requests and lineups in for Week 9. And, in the meantime, do great things, gentelmen.

The Commish

Monday Memo #8

Not much to report, other than another huge week from The Dominator. He extended his lead and now holds an advantage of nearly 100 points over the 3rd place team, Plan Z. Only the Cyhawks seem to have a chance to make a race of this in the next few weeks. It's a long season, though, so we could still see some movement by the time we get to Christmas....maybe.

The current standings:

The Dominator 907.14
Cyhawks 865.34
Plan Z 809.02
The Dragons 791.77
The Spongebobs 750.13

Tonight's clash between New England and Minnesota carries absolutely no importance for the PPFFL, as no team has anyone playing. Check back tomorrow for a more comprehensive review of Week 8.

Week 8 Starting Lineups

The Dominator
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind
RB: Willie Parker - Pit
RB: Steven Jackson - StL
WR: Hines Ward - Pit
WR: Darrell Jackson - Sea
TE: Alge Crumpler - Atl
K: Adam Vinatieri - Ind
D: Tampa Bay

Cyhawks
QB: Carson Palmer - Cin
RB: Rudi Johnson - Cin
RB: LaDanian Tomlinson - SD
WR: Chad Johnson - Cin
WR: Steve Smith - Car
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Josh "Scobey Dobey Doo" - Jac
D: Jacksonville

The Dragons
QB: Dunnavunn McNabb - Phi
RB: Reggie Bush - NO
RB: Thomas Jones - Chi
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
WR: Isaac Bruce - StL
TE: Kellen Winslow - Cle
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: New York Giants

Plan Z
QB: Rex Grossman - Chi
RB: Larry Johnson - KC
RB: Maurice Jones Drew - Jac
WR: Marvin Harrison - Ind
WR: Torry Holt - StL
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: John Kasay - Car
D: New Orleans

The Spongebobs
QB: Drew Brees - NO
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
RB: Frank Gore - SF
WR: Donald Driver - GB
WR: Javon Walker - Den
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: Chicago

Week 8 Transactions

Here are the changes everyone made for Week 8:

The Spongebobs waive the San Diego defense and acquire the Chicago defense.
The Spongebobs waive TE Alex Smith (Tampa Bay) and acquire TE Jason Witten (Dallas)

Plan Z waives the Denver defense and acquires the New Orleans defense.

The Dragons waive K Ryan Lindell (Buffalo) and acquire K Sebastian Janikowski (Oakland)

The Dominator waives K Neil Rackers (Arizona) and acquires K Adam Vinatieri (Indianapolis)

Schedule for Week 8

Sun, OCT 29
San Francisco at Chicago
10:00 AM
Atlanta at Cincinnati
10:00 AM
Arizona at Green Bay
10:00 AM
Houston at Tennessee
10:00 AM
Seattle at Kansas City
10:00 AM
Baltimore at New Orleans
10:00 AM
Tampa Bay at NY Giants
10:00 AM
Jacksonville at Philadelphia
10:00 AM
St. Louis at San Diego
1:05 PM
Pittsburgh at Oakland
1:15 PM
NY Jets at Cleveland
1:15 PM
Indianapolis at Denver
1:15 PM
Dallas at Carolina
5:15 PM


MON, OCT 30
New England at Minnesota
5:30 PM

Bye: Buffalo, Detroit, Miami, Washington

Tuesday Morning Review #7

The Dominator broke out the belt and helped us reminisce about the days when we would fight and cause trouble as kids. He once again took the leather to our backsides, this time in a fantasy football sense. His squad shattered the one week record for points, which had stood for exactly one week. Had it not been for a questionable call on personnel (more on this to follow) he would have an even more commanding lead. Let's just say that his subpar Week 5 has been buried under the avalanche of points that followed in Weeks 6 and 7. And to think he has been out of state during this monumental charge. The rest of the league is hoping things start going south when he has more time to think about his team.

The official standings (Week 7):

The Dominator 762.44 (165.74)
Cyhawks 725.02 (98.06)
The Dragons 698.05 (103.74)
Plan Z 684.48 (113.15)
The Spongebobs 629.97 (104.28)

"The I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award" for Week 7 goes to the man at the top. The Dominator decided to play Jeremy Shockey (9.15) at TE this weekend, following up on his great Week 6 performance. This meant that Alge Crumpler (32.85) was riding the pine. Unfortunately for The Dominator, Ron Mexico decided to have his best passing game in ages while using Crumpler as his primary target. Three TDs and over 100 yards receiving were wasted. Those points would have given The Dominator a commanding 60 point lead over the 2nd place Cyhawks and an unthinkable 155 point cushion over The Spongebobs. He still has a commanding lead, but at least we get to poke fun at him for sitting out Crumpler when he had the best game of the season.

To fully appreciate the numbers that some of The Dominator's guys posted, consider that starting RB Willie Parker (0.35) basically sat out the week. Peyton Manning (53.79), Hines Ward (37.55), Darrell Jackson (22.80), and the Bucs defense (21.00) more than compensated for Parker's no-show. Even serial underachiever Ronnie Brown (11.10) scored in double figures. Notable about the performance of the Bucs D was Ronde Baber's 2 TDs off of interception returns...those returns give him exactly 2 more TDs than his twin brother Tiki, who happens to be the NFL's rushing leader (A certain team in the PPFFL is not happy at all that Tom Coughlin lets Tiki carry the ball from 10 yard line to 10 yard line, then puts someone else in to get the glory and 6 fantasy points...you're an evil man, Coughlin!). The Dominator was living so right that he even got something positive out of the Cardinals' brutal trip to Oakland: Kicker Neil Rackers (10.00) booted 3 FGs, two of them over 40 yards. Let's join the Cardinals Nation (each and every one of the 6 of them) and ask, "Where was that last week on your home field, Neil?" This was just aother week for us to bow to our league leader and accept the fact that whoever has the #1 pick in next year's draft will be taking Peyton Manning.

The Cyhawks, Week 6's bully, were bitten by the injury bug and failed to reach the century mark for Week 7. Matt Hasselbeck (10.54) got off to a decent start, but was knocked out for at least 3 weeks with a knee injury. Fortunately for our Midwesterners, the Chargers played a shootout at Arrowhead, allowing LaDanian Tomlinson (23.92) and Antonio Gates (18.15) to pick up the slack. The baddest man in the NFL, Steve Smith (17.30) had a solid point total, as did T.O. (16.90) on Monday Night. Something tells me that T.O. will be happy with Tony Romo at QB as long as the passes keep coming his way, no matter how many picks Romo throws, or how many games the Cowboys lose. Terry Glenn was obviously Bledsoe's main target, so T.O. has to feel good that his antics and the crappy Cowboys o-line got Bledsoe banished to the bench. Back to Week 7 for the Cyhawks, the poor performance of the Jaguars against Houston was almost as bad as Hasselbeck getting injured. In a game that promised to be a mismatch, it was, but in the wrong direction. Playing kicker Josh Scobee (1.00) and the Jags defense (1.00) looked good on paper, but turned out to be a big disappointment.

The Dunavun McNabb Show (40.34) continued to bring smiles to the faces of The Dragons. Even while throwning 2 picks that got returned to The House, he still posted numbers that are like cotton candy for a fantasy owner. Consider that only Corey Dillon (14.35) and the Giants defense (22.00) joined Dunavun in double figures, and it's obvious that The Dragons would be lost without #5. Coming off of stellar Week 6 performances, Anquan Boldin (7.15) and Clinton Portis (7.20) both were less than stellar in Week 7. The balky groin of Matt Jones made him a late scratch, meaning he didn't have to take any blame for the egg the Jags laid against the Texans. Even semi-reliable Pfc. Kellen Winslow, Jr. (4.70) was MIA on Sunday, meaning that it could have potentially been a disaster of a week for the boys from Yolo County. On a side note, Antwaan Randle El (20.60), who was referred to in last week's review as the worst player, hands down, in the PPFFL, returned a punt for a TD and posted by far his most points of the season. This, considering the injury to Matt Jones, would have normally had The Dragons in the running for the "ISWIWHPTGA", but it's not rational to think ARE would ever have a game like that, so they were never even considered for the award.

Lost in the glow of The Dominator's record setting week was the fact that Plan Z posted the #2 point total for the week. This is kind of like saying you ran a 6-minute mile and finished second in the race to someone who ran it in 3:50...nevertheless, it's still something to feel good about coming off of Rex Grossman's colossally bad game last Monday night. Super good looking and All American guy Tom Brady (29.50) led the way and was joined in the "Good Game Club" by Marvin Harrison (22.65), who finally figured out it was okay to actually catch the ball in the painted area on the other side of the goal line. The Broncos defense (15.00) predictably had a solid day against Cleveland. This made up for the crap game that was had by Santana Moss (4.00). It's uncertain what's to explain Moss' down 2006: Is it that he was a flash in the pan in 2005, or is QB Mark Brunnell just too crappy to get him the ball? In the "Fantasy Scoring Head Scratcher of the Week", Tiki Barber's (12.30) solid game in Dallas produced fewer points than Maurice Jones Drew's (17.65) performance that produced fewer than 20 yards rushing. It just goes to show how far scoring a TD will take you, reminding me that Tom Coughlin is a bitter old man for not letting Tiki carry the ball the last few yards on a touchdown drive.

True to form, The Spongebobs followed up a subpar week with a nice, solid week. Brian Westbrook (29.70) continued to be the MVP in Bikini Bottom, with another monster performance. Receivers Donald Driver (20.95) and Javon Walker (17.35) also did very well, somewhat offsetting the off weeks of Fred Taylor (4.15) and Alex Smith (1.30). That Alex Smith, by the way, is the TE for Tampa Bay. Eli Manning (18.83), once again, looked less than good against a team that doesn't reside at the bottom of the league. It is becoming apparent that Scrooge Coughlin has decided that the best way for the Giants to win games is to keep the wraps on Eli. Some say it is smart football to almost exclusively run the ball with a lead; in this case, it looks like the coach has no faith at all in the QB and doesn't want to give him the chance to make some bad throws that let the other team back into the game. Eli's 2nd half passing in the last two games consisted of dump offs in the flat, passes way downfield on 2nd and short (passes that double as punts if they are picked off), and play action passes inside the 10, where the whole defense is keying on the RB.

Notes:

• Transactions will be handled in the following order this week: Spongebobs, Plan Z, Dragons, Cyhawks, Dominator.
• ESPN is really getting irritating. It's not bad enough that Stuart Scott continues to be prominently featured in all of their major programming. Now, they have introduced a feature as stupid as the "Jacked Up" segment. Who are they trying to appeal to with this? Is there really someone in America who watches the game until halftime, then gets fired up when he realizes Tom Jackson and Steve Young will be screaming "So and so got JACKED UP!!" while watching replays of big hits from the previous day? How old are the people who think up these things for the Worldwide Leader? It's cool if you want to show some of the bigger hits from Sunday's action, but do we have to have grown men screaming something stupid? You can't even get that kind of reaction out of the Special Ed kids at McClatchy High (the ones that don't shoot themselves in the hand with guns they brought to school).
• Continuing with ESPN, they did a good job bringing Tony Kornheiser into the MNF booth. Now they need to calm down with all of the ABC cross promotion. Was there any doubt that Emmitt Smith would be making an appearance to talk about "Dancing With the People Who Some People Might Recognize So We'll Call Them Stars"? Speaking of celebrities, how many brain cells did Hank Williams, Jr. (a REAL celebrity) lose after letting Joe Theismann wear his cowboy hat? My guess is that he lost more than he would have after spending the weekend with Willie Nelson. One thing is for sure, as soon as he put that hat back on he began talking non-stop about nothing in general in a condescending voice...oh, and his bald head was covered in the gel and hairspray residue left over from Joe's head.

Monday Memo #7

Well, The Dominator didn't wait long to wipe the Cyhawks out of the record books. Peyton Manning, Hines Ward, Darrell Jackson & Co. posted a Sunday score of 156.59 points to break the single week record set just last week. The Dominator may not be finished, though, as Jeremy Shockey will be taking the field for him tonight. A repeat of last week's performance by Shockey will get a PPFFL team tantalizing close to the 200 point barrier, once thought to be unreachable.

Standings as of this morning:

The Dominator 753.29
Cyhawks 708.12
The Dragons 676.05
Plan Z 672.18
The Spongebobs 611.14

Every single team will be represented in tonight's clash between the Cowboys and Giants. We have the aforementioned Shockey playing for The Dominator; Terrell Owens going for the Cyhawks; The Dragons will be rooting for the Giants defense; Plan Z will be hoping Tiki Barber runs for huge yardage and is actually allowed to score a TD; and the Spongebobs have Eli Manning, the master of running up stats at garbage time. Check in tomorrow for a recap of how tonight's game affected the standings, as well as a full rundown of Week 7.

Week 7 Starting Lineups

Cyhawks
QB: Matt Hasselbeck - Sea
RB: LaDanian Tomlinson - SD
RB: Rudi Johnson - Cin
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal
WR: Steve Smith - Car
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: Josh Scobee - Jac
D: Jacksonville

The Dominator
QB: Peyton Manning
RB: Ronnie Brown - Mia
RB: Willie Parker - Pit
WR: Darrell Jackson - Sea
WR: Hines Ward - Pit
TE: Jeremy Shockey - NYG
K: Neil Heimlich - Ari
D: Tampa Bay

The Dragons
QB: Dunavun McNabb - Phi
RB: Clinton Portis - Was
RB: Corey Dillon - NE
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
WR: Matt Jones - Jac
TE: Kellen Winslow, Jr. - Cle
K: Ryan Lindell - Buf
D: New York Giants

Plan Z
QB: Tom Brady - NE
RB: Tiki Barber - NYG
RB: Maurice Jones Drew - Jac
WR: Santana Moss - Was
WR: Marvin Harrison - Ind
TE: Dallas Clark - Ind
K: John Kasay - Car
D: Denver

The Spongebobs
QB: Eli Manning - NYG
RB: Fred Taylor - Jac
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
WR: Donald Driver - GB
WR: Javon Walker - Den
TE: Alex Smith - TB
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: San Diego

Week 7 Transactions

The Spongebobs waive TE Eric Johnson (San Francisco) and acquire TE Alex Smith (Tampa Bay)
The Spongebobs waive RB Jamal Lewis (Baltimore) and acquire RB Travis Henry (Tennessee)
The Spongebobs waive WR Mushin Muhammad (Chicago) and acquire WR Javon Walker (Denver)

Plan Z waives K Joe Nedney (San Francisco) and acquires K John Kasay (Carolina)
Plan Z waives D Baltimore and acquires D Denver

The Dragons waive TE Jason Witten (Dallas) and reacquire TE Kellen Winslow (Cleveland)
The Dragons waive D Chicago and acquire D New York Giants

The Cyhawks waive K John Carney (New Orleans) and acquire K Josh Scobee (Jacksonville)
The Cyhawks waive D New Orleans and acquire D Jacksonville


Quick Notes:

• The plot made public yesterday to detonate dirty bombs at 7 NFL games this weekend was a little redundant, at least from the terrorists' point of view. You see, there was already going to be a stinkbomb detonated at the NetAss Coliseum on Sunday at 1:15. The street name of that bomb is Cardinals vs. Raiders.
• In what can only be seen as a major oversight on the part of me, The Commissioner, Ryan Lindell has been referred to as the kicker for the Jets when, in fact, he is actually the kicker for Buffalo (at least according to Yahoo). I would profusely apologize if it weren't for two things: 1) The Dragons, who have Lindell on their roster, didn't know this either (and are probably just finding out); and 2) If anyone can differentiate the Jets from the Bills, outside of their QBs, then I might actually care.
• In today's Sacramento Bee an article ran about Keith Lewis, former Valley High Viking and current special teams standout for the Niners. In it, Mike Nolan stated that Lewis would be given every opportunity to start at safety when the Niners travel to Chicago next week. Nolan went on to state that week 9 would be dedicated to adding a defensive end, week 10 to adding an outside linebacker, and week 11 to adding a cornerback. By that time the Niners defense will be playing with 11 players, just like every other team in the league. When asked about his quirky strategy Nolan commented, "My players have to earn their positions. If we don't have anyone worthy of playing safety, we won't just put someone out there to take up space. The same goes for the other positions that we are playing without on defense right now. I am not going to disgrace the game of football by just sticking someone who isn't remotely qualified out there to play outside linebacker. I won't do that. I would rather play with 7 or 8 guys than have a bunch of stiffs on the field. Not to pat myself on the back, but how many other teams would have held the Chargers under50 while only using 7 guys on defense?"

Week 7 Injuries

Injuries of note for Week 7:

OUT
Dante Hall (WR Kansas City) - Hip
Roydell Williams (WR Tennessee) - Finger
*Roydell only has 3 catches for 46 yards this season, but was included because this is what we almost named Alex

QUESTIONABLE
Larry Fitzgerald (WR Arizona) - Hamstring
Steve McNair (QB Baltimore) - Concussion
Matt Jones (WR Jacksonville) - Hamstring, Groin

PROBABLE
Kellen Winslow (TE Cleveland) - Personal
Deuce McAllister (RB New Orleans) - Hamstring
Jeremy Shockey (TE New York Giants) - Foot
Laveranues Coles (WR New York Jets) - Hand
Brian Westbrook (RB Philadelphia) - Knee
Vinny Wonderlic (QB Tennessee) - Ankle

I realize that some of these guys have byes this week, but figured I would throw them in anyway. In the case of McNair, if he's still out next week it will once again be BOLLER TIME!! How many more tipped TD passes will Jesus in Cleats be able to throw? One thing is for certain, as bad as JiC may be, he certainly is not a downgrade from McNair. In fact, he might actually be an improvement.

Schedule for Week 7


SUN, OCT 22
Detroit at NY Jets
10:00 AM
Green Bay at Miami
10:00 AM
Philadelphia at Tampa Bay
10:00 AM
San Diego at Kansas City
10:00 AM
Carolina at Cincinnati
10:00 AM
New England at Buffalo
10:00 AM
Pittsburgh at Atlanta
10:00 AM
Jacksonville at Houston
10:00 AM
Denver at Cleveland
1:05 PM
Washington at Indianapolis
1:15 PM
Minnesota at Seattle
1:15 PM
Arizona at Oakland
1:15 PM

MON, OCT 23
NY Giants at Dallas
5:30 PM

Bye: Chicago, Tennessee, St. Louis, New Orleans, San Francisco, Baltimore

Tuesday Morning Review #6

Well, the standings are just as they were when play ended after Week 4. How we got there is, to paraphrase Joe Starkey, one of the most incredible, amazing, emotional, heart rending things we have seen in the short history of the PPFFL. Last night's epic Monday night battle produced a shift in the standings that was as major as it was unexpected. To quote from yesterday's notes regarding the Cyhawks hold on 1st place, "only a monster game from Rex Grossman (Plan Z) [is] a threat to keep them from finishing Week 6 in 1st place". Boy, oh, boy, did Rex ever have a monster game. Think Frankenstein. Going 14-for-37 and committing 6 turnovers will likely go down as the absolute worst performance from a QB this season in the PPFFL, where QB play is so important. His output of NEGATIVE 6.89 points pushed Plan Z from a solid 2nd place, all the way back to 4th. Not that a decent game from the Gross-man would have kept Plan Z from dropping. That's because The Dominator had Matt Leinart (29.64) and Neil Rackers (12.00), who both came up big, even though one contributed to the Bears comeback with a fumble that got returned for a TD and the other missed the potential game winning FG (right after Joe Theismann called him "automatic" from 40 yards and in...too bad the kick was a 41 yarder).

Deserving of their own paragraph in the discussion of last night's game are The Dragons. Having Anquan Boldin and the Bears defense, they were poised to make up some ground. Through the first 44 minutes of the game, Boldin was doing all of the heavy lifting. The Bears D had given up 23 points (mostly due to the turd being laid by Grossman) and had not forced any turnovers. Then came Mike Brown's fumble recovery and TD as the 3rd quarter was ending. Another fumble recovery and TD for the Bears followed an couple of exchanges of punts. Then, after Grossman threw his 4th pick of the night (the best thing that happened for the Bears because it got their defense back out on the field), the Bears held and forced a punt that Devin Hester returned to The House. An unbelievable turn of events that netted The Dragons 22 points from the last minute of the 3rd quarter through the end of the Cardinals' collapse. To put the icing on the 4th quarter cake, Leinart was throwing almost exclusively to Boldin in the 2nd half, getting The Dragons points whether the Bears defense was scoring TDs or not.

Trying not to let it get lost in the shuffle, let's award this week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award". Officially it goes to The Spongebobs who sat Drew Brees (41.45) in favor of Eli Manning (22.10). Eli didn't pull his usual "stink it up in the 1st half and rack up tons of points in the 2nd when the game is out of reach" because the Giants actually had the lead and Tom Coughlin quit letting him throw the ball out of fear he would screw everything up. Unofficially, this award goes to Plan Z for choosing not to play without a QB this week. Leaving that spot in the lineup empty would have been much better than playing the former top rated QB in the NFL against one of the league's crappiest defenses.

Following are the updated standings, which we all can admit that nobody expected going into last night's collision turned collapse (Week 6):

Cyhawks 626.96 (151.72)
The Dominator 596.70 (133.74)
The Dragons 594.26 (119.89)
Plan Z 571.41 (85.66)
The Spongebobs 525.69 (81.05)

Overshadowed by last night's circus was the fact that the Cyhawks did, indeed, set a record for the most points scored in a single week. Most of the damage for them was done by their Fantastic 4: Carson Palmer (28.77), Terrell Owens (25.25), Steve Smith (26.45), and LaDanian Tomlinson (37.75). In all fairness, it must be pointed out that the Cyhawks could have been battling The Dominator this week for the single week scoring record had The Big Tuna not run up the score on Houston and stroked T.O.'s ego all at the same time. Garbage time TDs provided over half of T.O.'s points and probably pacified him for at least another week. Antonio Gates (14.90) had a nice week as far as tight ends have been going, albeit against a 49er defense that seemed to be only fielding 8 or 9 players on most downs. John Carney (9.00) kicked a game winning FG and the Saints D (7.00) were the first ones all season to keep Dunnnnnavunnnn McNabb under control.

The Dominator is back. His draft day maneuver to land Matt Leinart (29.64) was pure genius. In fact, it was more than that. It was as if Bill Walsh, George Halas, and Billy Bean had all been combined into one super GM. Accenting Leinart this week was a super balanced effort featuring Jeremy Shockey (20.75) giving his best performance this season; Willie Parker (18.90) and Steven Jackson (17.50) toting the ball consistently; and Darrell Jackson (14.70) and Hines Ward (13.95) doing what Darrell Jackson and Hines Ward do. The Dominator even got an above average night out of Neil Rackers (12.00) in a game where he choked away a victory for the Cards. Weeks like this show you why the guy has been near the top all season. Maneuvering to get Leinart; acquiring Rackers when his regular kicker went down; sticking with Shockey after a couple of bad weeks; and not panicking after last week's debacle. Need we say more?

What could have been a horrible week turned into a bonanza starting around 8:00 pm last night for The Dragons. Anquan Boldin (27.80) and Chicago's defense (23.00) vaulted these guys to the brink of 2nd place. They salvaged a below average week from Dunnavunnn (27.44) and disappearances from Antwaan Randle El (1.60) and Jason Witten (3.85). Had it not been for last night, Clinton Portis (20.75) would have been their only shining star. Reggie Bush (8.45) continued to be the "Ron Mexico of RBs". There is always the potential for something great to happen, but there is absolutely no consistency. The maddening thing is that, like last week, the great performances come when you decide to bench him for the week. Getting back to ARE, the colossal bust of a signing for Dan "I'm still taller than Jim Kozimor" Snyder, he is the worst performer of anyone on a PPFFL roster who hasn't been injured this season. It's really not even close.

Plan Z is shellshocked this morning. After the morning games on Sunday, they were sitting pretty. Solid performances from Torry Holt (36.70) and Tiki Barber (17.35) had them thinking they would be at the top for another week. In the five games that were played Sunday afternoon, evening, and last night, everything got turned upside down. To start, Larry Johnson (10.60), Tony Gonzalez (3.75) and the rest of the Chiefs got their asses handed to them in Pittsburgh. Then, the vomit inducing performance by Grossman last night had Plan Z only watching the game to see if the Cardinals could pull off one of the most memorable collapses of all time. It was debateable what made Plan Z's stomachs hurt more, watching Grossman hand the ball over to AZ like candy on Halloween, or watching the Cards find the most creative, humiliating, obscure, and painful way to lose. Dennis Green's explosion in the interview room last night was completely warranted. His crappy team played over its head for the whole first half. His offense did just enough to not lose the game for most of the 2nd half. And, his defense took advantage of the worst performance by a QB not named DeBerg in the last 40 years, yet they still somehow blew it. The volume of his tirade was great, but just what the heck was he talking about? "The Bears are who we expected them to be". Yeah, Denny, they are that football team based in Chicago. After having to watch his team give away games many times in the last 3 years, including the Rams and Chiefs games in the 2 weeks prior to last night, you would have thought that Denny would be well versed on postgame tirades. Let's hope he improves over the rest of the season, as it is becoming increasingly unlikely that his round, Grimace-like self will be on an NFL sideline for much longer.

That brings us to The Spongebobs, who would have had a decent week if the top 3 teams hadn't blown up. It was nothing spectacular, but Eli Manning (22.10), L.J. Smith (12.40), Nate Kaeding (13.00), and the Chargers defense (10.00) all did halfway decently. Unfortunately, Plaxico Burress (6.20) and the dinged up Brian Westbrook (6.75) didn't perform up to their usual standards. Burress' performance can be excused by the fact that Coach Coughlin told Eli that he would murder him on the sideline if he dared throw any passes down the field in the 2nd half. Lost in all of the hoopla last night was the fact that Mushin Muhammad (1.10) actually scored a point and a fraction on a night that his QB was negative (sorry, I just can't seem to get over that). If one trend holds true to form, Team Schizo will be big in Week 7, as they tend to alternate great weeks with less than stellar weeks.

Notes:

• The Spongebobs are first in line for transactions this week, so get your requests in early. Bob likes to deal and he doesn't like waiting around for the rest of you to make up your minds. The rest of the order is Plan Z, The Dragons, The Dominator, and the Cyhawks.
• The NFL's "Official Scalpers Game Off" for 2006 takes place Sunday in Oakland as the Cardinals come in to play the Raiders. On the surface, this game looks like a stinker. Look closer, though, and it becomes intriguing. Can the Raiders possibly be bad enough that they can't beat a team that travels with broken mirrors and black cats; whose pregame ritual is to step on as many cracks and walk under as many ladders as possible? This game doesn't need a team of officials, it needs a team of clergymen that specialize in exorcisms. The Cards need to rid themselves of whatever curse they have and the Raiders (and the rest of the world) need to be rid of the white satin wearing owner of their team (who Paul Tagliabue and the corpse of Pete Rozelle would tell you hails from Hades).

Week 7's schedule and some semi-accurate injury reports to follow.....

The Commish

Monday Memo #6

Wow! While the major college teams in Iowa were getting emarrassed this weekend, the PPFFL entry from the Hawkeye State was setting a weekly record. The Cyhawks, with 151.72 points set a record that will be hard to top in a single week. That led them back to the top of the standings, with only a monster game from Rex Grossman (Plan Z) a threat to keep them from finishing Week 6 in 1st place. This week also appears to be a separation week, where the spread between each team got bigger than in the past. Current standings are:

Cyhawks 626.96
Plan Z 578.30
The Dominator 555.06
The Dragons 543.46
The Spongebobs 524.59

Everyone but the Cyhawks has someone playing in tonight's clash between the Bears and Cardinals (the current Chicago team, and the original Chicago team - how many of you knew that one?). Plan Z, of course, has Bears QB Rex Grossman, while The Dominator has the opposing QB, Matt Leinart. The Dragons have the mighty Bears defense and Cardinals WR Anquan Boldin, and The Spongebobs have Bears WR Mushin Muhammad. This game, at least for members of the PPFFL, will bring with it much more interest than the typical Bears/Cardinals collision.

Until the Week 6 summary tomorrow....do great things, gentlemen.

Lineup Change

A quick lineup change:

Cyhawks will have Carson Palmer at QB this week instead of Vince Young.

Week 6 Starting Lineups

Plan Z
QB: Rex Grossman - Chi
RB: Tiki Barber - NYG
RB: Larry Johnson - KC
WR: Torry Holt - StL
WR: Santana Moss - Was
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: Baltimore

Cyhawks
QB: Vince Young - Ten
RB: Rudi Johnson - Cin
RB: LaDanian Tomlinson - SD
WR: Steve Smith - Car
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: John Carney - NO
D: New Orleans

The Dragons
QB: Dunnavunn McNabb - Phi
RB: Clinton Portis - Was
RB: Reggie Bush - NO
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari
WR: Antwaan Randle El - Was
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Ryan Lindell - NYJ
D: Chicago

The Dominator
QB: Matt Leinart - Ari
RB: Willie Parker - Pit
RB: Steven Jackson - StL
WR: Hines Ward - Pit
WR: Darrell Jackson - Sea
TE: Jeremy Shockey - NYG
K: Neil Rackers - Ari
D: Tampa Bay

The Spongebobs
QB: Eli Manning - NYG
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
RB: Frank Gore - SF
WR: Plaxico Burress - NYG
WR: Mushin Muhammad - Chi
TE: L.J. Smith - Phi
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: San Diego

Week 6 Transactions

Following are player transactions for Week 6:

The Spongebobs waive TE Desmond Clark (Chicago) and acquire TE L.J. Smith (Philadelphia)
The Spongebobs waive RB Ahman Green (Green Bay) and acquire RB Fred Taylor (Jacksonville)
The Spongebobs waive QB Mark Brunell (Washington) and acquire QB Drew Brees (New Orleans)

The Dominator places K Adam Vinatieri on the Injured List and acquires K Neil Rackers (Arizona)

The Dragons waive TE Kellen Winslow, Jr. (Cleveland) and acquire TE Jason Witten (Dallas)

Plan Z waives QB Brett Favre (Green Bay) and acquires QB Rex Grossman (Chicago)
Plan Z waives WR Randy Moss (Oakland) and acquires WR Bernard Berrian (Chicago)

Schedule for Week 6


SUN, OCT 15
Buffalo at Detroit
10:00 AM
Carolina at Baltimore
10:00 AM
NY Giants at Atlanta
10:00 AM
Houston at Dallas
10:00 AM
Tennessee at Washington
10:00 AM
Cincinnati at Tampa Bay
10:00 AM
Philadelphia at New Orleans
10:00 AM
Seattle at St. Louis
10:00 AM
Miami at NY Jets
1:15 PM
Kansas City at Pittsburgh
1:15 PM
San Diego at San Francisco
1:15 PM
Oakland at Denver
5:15 PM

MON, OCT 16
Chicago at Arizona
5:30 PM

Bye: Cleveland, Green Bay, Indianapolis, Minnesota, New England, Jacksonville

TUESDAY MORNING REVIEW #5

The lead has changed hands this week as the two teams previously at the top were hit hard by injuries and/or the BYE week. The Dominator was particularly screwed over by Tony Dungy who announced late in the week that Adam Vinatieri would be kicking, then deactivated Vinatieri late Saturday night and resigned Martin Gramatica. Considering, though, that the Colts kicker only contributed 2 points, this wasn't the worst screwgie in the history of fantasy football.

Current standings are as follows (week 5):

Plan Z 485.75 (100.65)
Cyhawks 475.24 (76.06)
The Dragons 474.32 (84.78)
The Dominator 462.96 (67.12)
The Spongebobs 444.64 (101.87)

Once again a team denied themselves the top spot in the standings by keeping someone on the bench. For once, it wasn't Plan Z. Instead, it was The Dragons who could only think "What if..." as they watched Reggie Bush (25.05) streak down the sideline on his game winning punt return. Had The Dragons played him instead of Clinton Portis (3.80), they would be the ones everyone envied this week. Instead, they get the consolation of winning the "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award" for the first time.

Plan Z shot from 4th place to the top of the standings with a very balanced effort, led by running backs Larry Johnson (20.10) and Maurice Jones-Drew (15.95), who ain't half bad for a UCLA grad. Brett Favre (21.90) didn't do anything to blow up the team, and Joe Nedney (10.00)* produced in double figures for the first time this season. (An asterisk was included because those points were racked up against the Raiders. From now on, all performances against the Raiders will be noted the same way.) Receivers Marvin Harrison (10.45) and Torry Holt (11.00) failed to do much yardage-wise, but still found a way to get into the end zone, which is paramount in this competition.

The Cyhawks hung in there, even though the bye week forced them to play a backup rookie QB making his first start. Wonderlic Young (11.91) responded with a lackluster effort that set the tone for the rest of the Cyhawks. Chester Taylor (15.70), Antonio Gates (11.75), and the Saints defense (10.00) were the only ones that performed at a level that would be considered average or above. Much more was obviously expected from Terrell Owens (5.25) in his return to Philly, and LaDanian Tomlinson (11.50) was held to numbers below what we've come to expect from him. Still, with QB play so important in this league, Hasselbeck type numbers from "The Big 6" would have probably kept this team on top. Unfortunately, not only was Young shaky against Indy, he wouldn't be able to spell "Hasselbeck" if you let him stare at the back of Hasselbeck's jersey. After watching the Rose Bowl in January, it seemed possible that he doesn't even speak English, which would be a huge disadvantage when he ducks into the Titans huddle. It's no wonder Jeff Fisher looks like he doesn't care anymore...his GM put the Titans in a salary cap death grip and then drafted a QB that speaks worse English that the average migrant farm worker and is dumber that the doornails that he'd be pounding if he weren't 6'5" with blazing speed and a strong arm.

Dunnavun McNabb (36.63) was once again the class of the league for The Dragons. Throw in the Bears defense (17.00) and the formula was the same this week as it's been since Week 2. If either of these two have an off week, The Dragons could fall faster than Heather Locklear for a scuzzy, long haired, guitar player. Thomas Jones (13.10) and Pfc. Kellen Winslow Jr. (10.75) did well, but hardly picked up the slack for Antwaan Randle El (2.50), late scratch Matt Jones (0.00), and the aforementioned Clinton Portis. Bittersweet is the only way to describe how it must have felt to see the highlight of Reggie Bush streaking down the sideline while opponents grasped at air. Much like having Ron Mexico on your team, with Reggie you will likely have to deal with a few lackluster weeks just to revel in the excitement of the occasional eruption. Knowing when those eruptions will occur is the key, and something that drove a certain team to cut Senor Mexico.

The worst point total for the week went to The Dominator. How the once mighty have now fallen. This team was especially hurt by the injury bug. In addition to Vinatieri, Larry Fitzgerald (8.75) pulled a hamstring early in the Cards/Chiefs game, and Darrell Jackson was a late scratch that forced Hines Ward (6.45) into the lineup on a day that would have made even John Madden (America's #1 Hines Ward Fan) cover his eyes. Steven Jackson (8.90) also managed put up below average numbers against a Packers defense that has been brutal all season. Jeremy Shockey (1.65) was obviously put into horrible situations to succeed by the Giants coaches in their tilt with the Redskins, because lackluster performances obviously shouldn't be blamed on the inconsistency of #80 or his teammates. Had it not been for Peyton Manning (28.22) and Willie Parker (13.15), this could have surpassed The Spongebobs in Week 4 as the worst week of the season. Fortunately, The Dominator drafted a guy #1 who is 6'5" with a rocket arm; gives props to the wait staff on a job well done; pumps up the guy in the deli while he's slicing honey ham; knows when to audible to pancakes after his retard for a brother fumbles the eggs; and proved for all of eternity that, as The 'Ol Ballcoach used to remind us, you can't spell Citrus Bowl without UT.

Racking up the most impressive point total of the week was Team Schizo, otherwise known as The Spongebobs. The waiver wire was on fire as Gary's owner looked for a way to overcome the Week 4 debacle. The result was a very balanced week, led by Eli Manning (29.42), Eli's favorite target Plaxico Burress (16.45), Frank Gore (14.60)*, Brian Westbrook (13.30), and the San Diego defense (13.00). The last of these point totals show what could be becoming a trend in the PPFFL - that whichever defense gets to face Ben Roethlisberger is going to at least reach double figures. That theory will ultimately be tested when Big Ben stares across the line at the Raiders* defense in Week 8. Until then, for the sake of Steelers fans, let's hope that Ben works on overcoming his fear of being hit and his propensity to chuck the ball up for grabs while he is ducking imaginary defenders. That might be more productive for himself and his team than giving interviews to bug-eyed sideline reporters about whether or not he will wear a helmet the next time he rides a motorcycle. Back to The Spongebobs, the big question this week is whether they rest on their laurels and keep intact the team that performed so well, or if they keep true to form and submit at least 4 transaction requests. Smart money is on the latter.

That's about it for this week, but before we go, a couple of notes:

• "The Big 6" in the summary for the Cyhawks obviously refers to Vince Young's intial score on the Wonderlic Test at this year's NFL Combine. For those of you who didn't know or forgot, a score of 6 equates to being mentally retarded or unable to speak and understand English.
• The Dominator looks pretty good for his draft day maneuver in which he took Kurt Warner, then got everyone's consent to be granted Matt Leinert when the inevitable happened and Warner was benched. There have been few rookie QBs who are soon to be paying child support and once let Nick Lachey sleep on their couch that have performed better than Leinert did in the first start of their careers.
• The bug-eyed sideline reporter referenced was Andrea Kremer, as if anyone had to be told. Her eyes stick out farther than the black guy on the 3 Stooges who would always get on camera when something Curly did made water start pouring out of a cuckoo clock.
• Finally, a quote from Ron Artest who commented yesterday on the scuffle between half man/half owl Kenny Thomas and Shareef Abdur-Rahim (this quote isn't exact, because Ron Ron speaks as though he's in the middle of the IFOCE matza ball eating competition): "Sometimes you gotta fight. If you don't fight, you're not trying hard. It's something you should do once a month. Thirteen or fourteen fights a year is what every team needs." Thanks, Ron. Now please help us come up with names for those two extra months you speak of.

The Commish

Monday Memo #5

We have a scrum at the top of the standings at the end of the 5th Sunday of the season. Calling the separation at the top razor thin is an insult to the girth that razors actually carry. It's more appropriate to say the margins are "Hollywood starlet thin".

The current standings:

Plan Z 476.75
Cyhawks 475.24
The Dragons 474.32
The Dominator 462.96
The Spongebobs 444.64

Notice how the standings are now in order of the amount letters in each team's name, from fewest to most. This is a hidden indicator that may mean something in the world of fantasy football. Unfortunately, I have no idea what that meaning is. If this pattern stands the rest of the season, we will undoubtedly have a bunch of teams with single lettered names for '07.

Tonight's matchup in the Mile High City features only one player associated with PPFFL: The Ravens defense. Plan Z may be able to put some space between themselves and the rest of the league it Ray Lewis & Co. continue their sterling play. They may also drop down a slot or two if Denver has a big night on their home turf. With Jake Plummer under center for the Broncos, conventional wisdom says Plan Z will still have a lead tomorrow morning, but CW doesn't suit up, so we'll see what happens when they kick it off tonight. [Here's one guy who really hopes the Denver fans are chanting for Jay Cutler to enter the game by the middle of the 2nd quarter]

Week 5 Starting Lineups

Cyhawks
QB: Vinny Wonderlic - Ten
RB: LaDanian Tomlinson - SD
RB: Chester Taylor - Min
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal
WR: Laverneus Coles - NYJ
TE: Antonio Gates - SD
K: John Carney - NO
D: New Orleans

The Dominator
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind
RB: Steven Jackson - StL
RB: Willie Parker - Pit
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
WR: Donte Stallworth - Phi
TE: Jeremy Shockey - NYG
K: Adam Vinatieri - Ind
D: Tampa Bay

The Dragons
QB: Dunavun McNabb - Phi
RB: Clinton Portis - Was
RB: Thomas Jones - Chi
WR: Matt Jones - Jac
WR: Antwaan Randle El - Was
TE: Kellen Winslow - Cle
K: Ryan Lindell - NYJ
D: Chicago

Plan Z
QB: Brett Favre - GB
RB: Larry Johnson - KC
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jac
WR: Marvin Harrison - Ind
WR: Torry Holt - StL
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: Joe Nedney - SF
D: Baltimore

The Spongebobs
QB: Eli Manning - NYG
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
RB: Frank Gore - SF
WR: Mushin Muhammad - Chi
WR: Plaxico Burress - NYG
TE: Desmond Clark - Chi
K: Nate Kaeding - SD
D: San Diego

Late Week 5 Transactions

The following transactions have recently been executed:

The Dominator waives K Martin Gramatica (Indianapolis) and acquires K Adam Vinatieri (Indianapolis)
The Dominator waives the St. Louis defense and acquires the Tampa Bay defense.

Cyhawks waive RB Ladell Betts (Warshington) and acquire QB Wonderlic Young (Tennessee)
Cyhawks waive WR Chris Chambers (Miami) and activate WR Terrell Owens (Dallas) from the IL
Cyhawks waive the Atlanta defense and acquire the New Orleans defense


Boy, this week's byes sure hit someone hard......

Week 5 Transactions

Those of you who thought the Spongebobs would stand pat with their roster this week, please raise your hand....yeah, we all knew Bob would be working the waiver wire. Herewith are the Week 5 transactions (written as if Traci were announcing them):

The Spongebobs waive super hot QB Tom Brady (New England) and acquire QB Mark Brunell (Warshington) - The Redskins have only won, like, 1 game...why would he want their quarterback? Plus, who in their right mind would waive Tom Brady? I mean, if women played fantasy football, he'd be the #1 pick every year and would never be waived, no matter how bad he was...at least until Alex Rodriguez or Dr. McDreamy decided to play quarterback in the NFL.
The Spongebobs waive WR Antonio Bryant (San Francisco) and acquire WR Marquez Colston (New Orleans) - Who are these guys? I mean, it's a good move to dump any 49er, but isn't there someone available that we've actually heard of? Does Art Monk still play?
The Spongebobs waive Cincinnati's defense and acquire San Diego's defense. - Why do you guys pick defenses? That doesn't make any sense. Are either of those teams even any good?

*We also have a correction to a Spongebobs maneuver from Week 4. It was reported that they had waived Frank Gore to pick up Ahman Green. They actually wanted to waive Carnell "Ford Focus" Williams. My apologies. Even with this mistake, I have still executed 99.999997% of Bob's transactions correctly.

Now, back to the transactions....

Plan Z waives QB Ron Mexico (Atlanta) and acquires QB Tom Brady (New England) - That's a good move. Michael Vick is a thug and his brother is even worse. You know that his brother is going to live off of him his whole life, if he doesn't go to prison first. Even though he went to Virginia Tech, I don't like him. Michael is okay, but Tom Brady is way cuter, so you guys should hold onto him all season. Once Peyton Manning was gone, you should have drafted him. Did yo do the drafting? Because, I don't think Alex and Jack would have been dumb enough to pass on Brady for that fat guy who was playing running back for the Chiefs last week. And, I still don't understand how you could cheer for that guy scoring touchdowns against your favorite team. That doesn't make sense. What does make sense is that you finally picked up a quarterback that I can root for. He's not married, is he? I don't think so, because he would definitely marry a model or an actress and I would have read about it in In Touch or People, or would have seen it on Entertainment Tonight, Extra, Access Hollywood, Inside Extra Entertaiment Access, or as most of America calls those shows, The News.

Okay, enough insight from Traci. On a techinical note, since Plan Z is in 4th place, I didn't have to formally let you all know that super hot QB Tom Brady had been waived before picking him up, because we were next on the free agent list. If any of you want Ron Mexico, feel free to claim him.

Week 5 Injuries

Not much of an injury report for Week 5...

Out
Aaron Brooks - QB Oakland (chest)
Brian Westbrook - RB Philadelphia (knee)
Shaun Alexander - RB Seattle (foot)
Chris Simms - QB Tampa Bay (spleen)

Questionable
Chad Johnson - WR Cincinnati (shoulder)
Donte Stallworth - WR Philadelphia (hamstring)

Probable
Desmond Clark - TE Chicago (foot)
Matt Jones - WR Jacksonville (groin)
Jeremy Shockey - TE New York Giants (ankle)
Plaxico Burress - WR New York Giants (back)
Frank Gore - RB San Francisco (abdominal strain)

Schedule for Week 5


SUN, OCT 8
Miami at New England
10:00 AM
Tampa Bay at New Orleans
10:00 AM
Washington at NY Giants
10:00 AM
Detroit at Minnesota
10:00 AM
Cleveland at Carolina
10:00 AM
Buffalo at Chicago
10:00 AM
St. Louis at Green Bay
10:00 AM
Tennessee at Indianapolis
10:00 AM
NY Jets at Jacksonville
1:05 PM
Oakland at San Francisco
1:05 PM
Kansas City at Arizona
1:05 PM
Dallas at Philadelphia
1:15 PM
Pittsburgh at San Diego
5:15 PM

MON, OCT 9
Baltimore at Denver
5:30 PM
ESPN

Bye: Atlanta, Cincinnati, Seattle, Houston

TUESDAY MORNING REVIEW #4

It's getting tighter at the top as the top four teams in the league are only separated by 14 points. If not for the nightmare of a week for The Spongebobs, this would be anybody's game at the quarter pole. The Cyhawks held onto their lead, but all three teams behind them gained ground. The Dominator remained in the top 2, while The Dragons made the leap of the week, going all the way from last to third. Plan Z settled into their comfy 4th place chair, while The Spongebobs, heretofore known as The Schizos, dropped back to last. The updated standings (Week 4):

Cyhawks 399.18 (91.77)
The Dominator 394.84 (97.89)
The Dragons (104.66)
Plan Z 385.10 (98.81)
The Spongebobs 342.77 (48.91)

Most teams in the PPFFL had multiple players sitting the week out because of byes. The one team that actually had to choose who should play across the board again made an egregious error. When Plan Z was faced with which Moss to play, they chose the wrong one. Randy (7.25) got into the end zone for the Raiders, which is a major feat in itself, but only had that one reception for 5 yards. Santana (31.90), meanwhile, was running all over the place against Jacksonville, totaling nearly 200 yards receiving and 3 TDs. The difference between Santana and Randy once again would have put Plan Z atop the standings at week's end, making Plan Z the first two time winner of the "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award". (Plan Z also waived Marc Bulger who had a huge week against the Lions, the point being that if Plan Z waives someone, you might want to jump on the chance to acquire that player and watch him rack up major points for you.)

At the top of the standings, the Cyhawks were carried by the Falcons D (25.00) and the baddest 5'9" man in football, Steve Smith (20.35). Smith is conistently the only guy Jake Delhomme thorws to, yet he still abuses opposing defenses. Who will be the first defensive coordinator to see the obvious and quadruple cover him? It's not like Jake will go out of his way to throw to anyone else...put 9 guys on Smith and he will still try to force the ball in there. Rudi Johnson had a solid week (13.55), but Matt Hasselbeck (7.37) came crashing down to earth against the Bears, meaning the Monsters of the Midway have wrested the title of "best defense from a major, smelly, cold city" from the New York Giants...or at least they have in Hasselbeck's opinion.

The Dominator bounced back from a lethargic Week 3 to make up some ground in the standings. The backfield of Peyton Manning (32.89), Steven Jackson (19.30) and Ronnie Brown (13.55) did the majority of the damage. His wide receivers, Larry Fitzgerald (6.55) and Darrell Jackson (8.10), were done in by the stout defenses of Atlanta and the Bears, which impacted the standings for not only him, but the Cyhawks and Dragons, as well. In the "unexplained event of the week" the Rams defense (7.00) actually earned points even though they gave up 34 points to the anemic Lions. The next few weeks will be key to the survival of The Dominator as he will be on the road and will have to try to monitor his team while away from the comforts of home. Wait a minute, he basically plays the same guys every week, so....nevermind.

The Dragons put up the biggest score in Week 4. Of course they were carried by the arm and legs of Dunavun McNabb (39.11). The Bears defense (16.00) and Clinton Portis (18.00), of the rejuvenated Redskins offense, also had nice weeks. Not to be discounted is the contribution of Pfc. Kellen Winslow, Jr. (10.55) on the battlefield of the Network Associates Coliseum. Please don't take that comment as being tongue-in-cheek, as the people who attend Raiders games are only slightly less scary than the people wandering the streets of Baghdad. In fact, the Raiders have been named the "Official Team of the Insurgency". Let's hope the insurgency meets the same fate as the Raiders, and is rendered impotent as soon as possible. In what may be a positive sign in the battle in Iraq, Ayman al-Zawahiri, the head of the insurgency, has been spotted in Baghdad wearing a shiny white sweat suit with multiple gold chains, and has begun slicking his hair back with the finest oil available.

Plan Z is again wondering what may have been and is trying really hard not to let dissention tear their team apart. Jack is the ultimate "Sunday Evening QB", especially when he found out Santana Moss was the stud of the week, not Randy. He went from cheering heavily for Larry Johnson (26.10) and Ron Mexico (17.61), to wondering why nobody listened to him when he said he felt a big game from Santana was coming. Alex chimed in that Jack never said that, which again made Jack shout, "We should have drafted Peyton Manning!" Lost in the constructive criticism among the braintrust was the great pick up of Maurice Jones-Drew (19.95) who is becoming the jack-of-all-trades for the Jags. And, in what was a down week for the Ravens defense (9.00), they still got positive points against one of the best offenses in the league. Maybe Week 5 will be the week that the braintrust of Plan Z comes together and puts the right team out on the field for the first time...if not, there might be some hair pulling and punching in the owner's box.

Woe the Spongebobs. They had by far the worst week of the season for anybody. Hurt by a late week scratch (Brian Westbrook) and Bengals defense (-2.00) that was torched at home by the Patriots, they slid way back in the standings. It will take a few solid weeks to get back into the thick of things. The performer of the week was super sweet and sensitive, but rarely repsected, QB Tom Brady (24.31) who tore apart the Bengals. In what was basically a zero sum game, the Spongebobs played their QB against their defense, meaning anything good was going to lead to something bad. Methinks there might be a flurry of player of movement for Bikini Bottom's finest this week....although, considering the number of transactions Bob has made the last two weeks, we might want to predict this week will be a blizzard.

Remember, the standings determine the order of transactions, so The Spongebobs go first, followed by Plan Z, The Dragons, The Dominator, and the Cyhawks. Get your injury and waiver wishes in as soon as you can and remember to submit those starting lineups for Week 5 by Thursday.

The Commish

Monday Memo #4

Week #4 has brought little movement so far, except for The Spongebobs, who have dropped to the bottom of the standings, completely opposite of where they were last Monday. The standings as of this morning are:

Cyhawks 399.18
The Dominator 394.84
Plan Z 385.10
The Dragons 350.43
The Spongebobs 335.27

Tonight's game between the Packers and Eagles gives The Dragons and Spongebobs a chance to make up some ground. The Dragons will have Dunavun McNabb going, while Brian Westbrook and Donald Driver will try to get the Spongebobs back in the thick of things.

A comprehensive review of Week 4, along with updated standings, will follow tomorrow.