Tuesday Review v5.7

It's not Tuesday anymore, but we have something for you regarding Week 7 of the NFL season, just in time to help you clean up all of that trash that has been blowing into your front yard the past couple of days.

The top spot in our fake league has been taken over by The Big Ragu who built on his huge Week 6 with another solid week. The Patriots getting to play two of the 7 lamest teams in the NFL the past two weeks (meaning 2 of the worst teams ever) helped pull TBR from the middle of the pack to the top. The Cyclones are holding strong in 2nd place and may take the top spot back when the Patriots take Week 8 off (meaning, they'll exert much more effort than was required to beat the Titans and Buccaneers the past 2 weeks). Team STY took over 3rd place, while the bottom of the standings stayed the same. It looks like the very bottom of the standings are going to stay the same for quite some time, as The Dragons have managed to fall nearly 100 points below the 7th place team.

Current Standings (Week 7):
The Big Ragu 882.84 (146.56)
Cyclones 870.49 (126.25)
Team STY 784.38 (111.26)
The Maestro 778.78 (102.82)
The Outlaws 164.57 (109.82)
Gnomies 690.22 (112.66)
The Dominator 663.98 (86.58)
The Dragons 564.96 (58.92)

Our leaders aren't immune from criticism, so they are going to be singled out for a roster blunder in Week 7. They played Randy Moss (8.45) instead of Percy Harvin (22.80) earning themselves "The I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award". 'But, you say, Moss has been hot for the past couple of weeks, how can you sit him down?' The Patriots were playing in England, that's why. Due to his reputation, he probably had to spend a whole day trying to clear customs, especially when the drug sniffing dogs got hold of his natural scent and went bananas. Not only that, but there are many female police officers in London and we all know how Randy likes to use female cops as hood ornaments. He probably thought he was having a bad dream where the one he ran over in Minneapolis cloned herself a thousand times over and came back to exact her revenge. A guy leading a league as sophisticated as ours should have factored in all of that stuff and sat Randy in favor of Harvin.

Tom Brady (41.91) is once again carrying a team at the top of the PPFFL standings as The Big Ragu reclaimed the top spot he lost after Week 1. Brady has feasted on two of the worst defenses ever the past two weeks. That brings up something very interesting. We can't say for certain that Tennessee and Tampa Bay are even the worst teams in the league with St. Louis, Cleveland, Kansas City, Washington and the Raiders out there. Is it outlandish to think that this could be the worst year in NFL history with regard to teams who have no chance to win? Let's face it, none of those teams will be a favorite to win this season unless they are matched up against each other. I don't know the schedule offhand for the remainder of the season, but I can see a matchup similar to Indy @ St. Louis generating a line north of 30 points.

Angry at being knocked off of the perch they have become accustomed to are the Cyclones. They shouldn't get too discouraged, though, because they are still posting solid weekly scores. Peyton Manning (40.15) led the way this week against the Fightin' Finns from St. Louis High. DeAngelo Williams (17.95) did what he could when Jake Dekhomme wasn't throwing the ball to the other team. And, in what was a huge trend for the week, the Philadelphia defense (21.00) was huge in a win over Washington. In fairness to the Skins, this was the first time they faced a team this season who had already won a game. There is no way they could have anticipated and prepared for the type of mediocrity that the Eagles brought to the table.

Team STY got back into 3rd place this week behind a solid, if unspectacular game from Drew Brees (30.11) and a nice half from Reggie Wayne (17.15). They also had the Jets defense (21.00) who were playing against JaMarcus and the Mental Midgets. The Jets put things away so handily that Mark Sanchez was able to wolf down a tube steak on the sideline during the 4th quarter. That brings to mind Manny Ramirez showering after being taken out of Game 4 vs. the Phillies in the 9th inning and not watching the end of the game. If football players did that, Peyton Manning would have been showered about 10 minutes into that game against the Rams; Tom Brady could have spent the last 3 quarters against the Bucs seeing the sights of London; and all offensive players but the ones on the scout team can skip the game for whoever is playing the Raiders from week to week.

The Maestro holds steady in the top half of the standings for another week. Tony Romo (45.77) bounced off of the canvas to post a solid week. Surprise! Here's another guy who had a big game against Tampa! Wes Welker (27.30) is his name and he more than picked up the slack for Randy Moss who was busy trying to get away from every drug sniffing dog in London. Roddy White (14.50) scored another TD, but spent most of the day chasing scuds thrown by Matt Ryan.

Not giving in to trends from years past, The Outlaws are hanging in there. DeSean Jackson (22.35) was the star of the week against...let's see here...oh, that's right, the Redskins. Kurt Warner (20.47) was statistically subpar, but won the battle of crappy quarterbacking as the Cardinals beat Eli and the Giants. New Orleans (19.00) turned in another of the big defensive days of the week. They did it, though, against a Miami team that is actually pretty decent, even though their QB, Chad Henne, looked like he had placed a bet on the Saints to win and gave up 10 points in the process.

Trying to be relevant are the Gnomies. Matt Ryan (21.26) was outperformed by Romo, but that was made up for by solid games from Vincent Jackson (21.10), Adrian Peterson (16.45), and the Pittsburgh defense (21.00). Pittsburgh benefitted from Brett Favre turning the ball over at the worst possible times for the Vikings. This looks an awful lot like last season for the Jets, except that it's happening sooner. Maybe teams that sign America should treat him like the Phillies treated Pedro Martinez. Go ahead and sign him, but only play him in games where the starting temperature will be above 75 degrees. It's worked for the Phils, who will likely be rueing the decision to start Pedro in Game 2 of the World Series when it will likely be about 45 degrees, windy, and rainy.

The Dominator seems to have put last place far into his rearview mirror, even with a rather weak showing in Week 7. Matt Schaub (32.73) looked poised to put up Brady-like numbers before he succumbed to the Niners defense. Besides him, Ryan Grant (17.55) was the only other player to perform for this fake team. This is an example of how this fake league is mirroring the NFL somewhat this season. We have the powers at the top, a few teams struggling in the middle, this team and the Cyclones just trying to be competitive, and one team taking on the persona of the NFL teams mentioned many times already for being historically bad.

Which brings us to The Dragons. To paraphrase the guy in the movie "Airplane!", this was the wrong time to pick a bunch of Eagles for my fantasy team. Dunnavunn McNabb (18.87) is becoming a bit of a joke around the NFL, which is sad for me because it means that Peaches Napear can go around telling everyone that he called this 5 years ago. Brian Westbrook went out agains the Redskins after two series, not that he was needed. And, that was it for this fake team, unless you include the Arizona defense (12.00) who had the pleasure of playing against Eli, who, by the way, was called one of the 5 best QBs in football by Peaches. I don't think so, Rojo. Just because you have a radio show and get to sit with refridgerator with arms Mike Lamb every day, that doesn't mean you can brag that the QB of your favorite team is one of the 5 best in the NFL. Just like The Dragons won't be able to brag until next season that they're one of the 7 best teams in the PPFFL.

Notes:

• Get your waiver claims in as soon as you can. Something tells me that Miles Austin will be getting requested a lot this week.
• If the Rams, Bucs, and Tennesse don't somehow play each other (or the Raiders) there is a legitimate chance to have multiple winless teams this season. Seriously, can anyone predict right now that those teams will beat anyone and not be laughing on the inside?
• So, even though the guy can suspend hoodlum players with the best of them and climb Mt. Rainier, Commissioner Goodell may be best remembered for ushering in the era of the worst teams to ever put on the pads and play in giant stadiums.
• Until further notice, the Pillow Fight of the Week will be whatever game the Bills are playing in.
• T.O., I miss you. I didn't know Buffalo was in a foreign country where there are no news outlets until this year.
• Let's talk World Series. It should be a great matchup for everyone but Mark Shapiro, the GM of the Indians. Man, who would have thought when he was having fire sales that C.C. and Cliff Lee would be the aces of the teams meeting up to determine who the World Champs will be. Aside from that, no team that will be starting geriatric Pedro, followed by "success went to my head" Cole Hamels, and likely Joe Blanton will beat the Yankees. Sure, the teams look even on paper, but that will all change when the Yanks are blasting balls all over the Mid Atlantic region. So, with my prediction that is guaranteed to be wrong or your money back, I will pick the Yankees in 5.

That's all for now. I have to rest now because when the clock strikes 5:00 pm today, the forces of ineptitude in media will align themselves in a way that only happens every 120 years. That's right, folks, Peaches Napear and Tim McCarver will simultaneously be calling games I have an interest in watching. This phenomenon of arrogance and suckitude hasn't been experienced since 1889, when Garry Gerould was calling a covered wagon race in the Oregon Territory while Dick Stockton was busy calling an apple bobbing contest in Salem, MA. Of course, on that day, Garry kept telling everyone the wrong winner (I kid you not, after the Kings lost to Phoenix by 17 in the preseason last week, the G-Man signed off of his broadcast by saying "I'll throw it back to you Jason (Ross) after this solid road win by the Kings.") and Dick mistakenly pronounced that everyone in the contest was a witch, leading to a massive bonfire and lots of people being burned at the stake.

So, unlike our clueless media friends, do great things....

The Commish

Monday Memo v5.7

There will be a change at the top of the standings when Week 7 officially ends tonight, following the snooze-fest between the Eagles and Redskins. The Big Ragu put together another solid week and passed the Cyclones, who had been leading since Week 2.

Current Standings:
The Big Ragu 882.84
Cyclones 849.49
Team STY 781.33
The Maestro 778.78
The Outlaws 720.72
Gnomies 690.22
The Dominator 650.83
The Dragons 537.74

The Dragons will have some guys playing tonight, as will The Outlaws, but we won't get too in-depth with the analysis. Let's face it, when you pit a Redskins team that has gone 2-4 so far against winless teams and an Eagles team that somehow managed to lose to the Raiders (point shaving investigation, anyone?) it's best to not talk about it very much.

More to come on Week 7 tomorrow or Wednesday.

The Commish

Monday Memo v5.6

The Big Ragu decided to make things interesting by dropping a PPFFL record on us this week, thus drawing themselves significantly closer to the frontrunning Cyclones. Tom Brady's touch football throwing exhibition against woeful Tennessee gives us an actual battle for first place as we pass the 1/3 point in the season. The rest of the standings remained unchanged, with the exception of The Outlaws dropping a couple of places.

Current Standings:
Cyclones 744.24
The Big Ragu 736.28
The Maestro 673.81
Team STY 654.12
The Outlaws 623.25
Gnomies 577.56
The Dominator 554.37
The Dragons 506.04

Tonights Monday night collision between Denver and San Diego will be closely watched by the PPFFL. The Maestro has Knowshown Moreno toting the ball for him while Team STY will be pulling for the Denver defense. The Outlaws will be looking for Darren Sproles and Antonio Gates to salvage the week for their fake team. And, The Dominator is hoping Phillip Rivers vaults him into 6th place by night's end.

More to come on Week 6 tomorrow.....

Tuesday Review v4.5


An exciting week across the NFL (except for here in Northern California) brought with it some changes in the PPFFL. The Cyclones remained at the top and extended their lead, as Team STY fell on some hard times. That fall, though, leaves us with a dogpile behind our leaders, ad four teams are within 24 points of each other. Further down the standings, The Dominator is no longer supporting the whole league on his shoulders, as the season's worst week was turned in by The Dragons, who subsequently took over residence in the cellar.

Official Standings (Week 5):
Cyclones 619.55 (108.38)
The Outlaws 551.58 (109.29)
The Maestro 540.25 (109.57)
Team STY 534.59 (84.67)
The Big Ragu 527.03 (114.75)
Gnomies 479.61 (107.98)
The Dominator 477.52 (122.72)
The Dragons 427.56 (63.24)

This week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award goes to The Dragons, for their decision to keep Pfc. Kellen Winslow, Jr. (29.10) on the bench in favor of Jason Witten (7.35). This designation might be a little harsh, because nobody saw Winslow's performance coming, but we have to give it to Dave for his loyalty to "The Soldier". Every year, Winslow is a Dragon and every year he disappoints (see C. Portis and T. Dominator). For this one week, though, he came through as the man who puts up stats when a crappy team loses (the Raiders are still searching for who that will be for them....hopefully they find someone before the season ends, otherwise they might not crack double figures the rest of the way). We learned a couple of things from this error in judgement. First, never count out a guy who declared himself the toughest guy on earth while in college, then missed a whole NFL season because he wrecked on his motorcycle. Second, never forget that Tony Romo (as pointed out so eloquently by T.O. last season) can only throw to one person at a time....and that tendency usually last for weeks. Jason Witten is out of luck when it comes to getting balls thrown to him, unless he can break Romo up from his new BFF, Miles Austin. Until then, he's relegated to a couple of catches per game and doing postgame interviews dressed as the cab driver from Lazy Town.

Our leaders scored about the same as half of the other teams in the league, but saw their closest competitors take the gas pipe. That leaves the Cyclones with their biggest lead of the season at the 5/17th mark. They were sweating things a little bit when the afternoon games ended, but then it was time for Peyton Manning (57.18) to take the field. He singlehandedly kpet these guys from being within striking range of the rest of our fake league. He's making a strong push to be the PPFFL MVP, something he surprisingly hasn't done in our brief history. God save the rest of the NFL, because Peyton's going to tear up the league trying to win that award for the first time.

Moving to their highest point in the standings since the advent of bread are The Outlaws. Kurt Warner (41.24) and Joseph Addai (20.00) led the way as their fake team reached heights that last season seemed unthinkable. One constant for this team in the past, the roster move, is not as present this season, leaving us to conclude one of two things. Taking Antonio Bryant in the first round wasn't indicative of the quality of the rest of Bob's draft; or, being a little more patient, especially early in the season, might be a solid way to gain firm footing in the standings. Somewhere, though, due to all of this newfound patience, Larry Johnson (the KC Chief, not Grandmama) is weeping, knowing he won't be jumping on and off the Larry Johnson Waiver Express any time soon.

Keeping pace with The Outlaws (they literally scored almost the exact same amount of points for the second week in a row) is The Maestro. Roddy White (33.50) and Tony Romo (33.23) carried this team. In fact, after watching White chase down idiot Dre Bly and strip him of the ball after an interception, the League Office is looking into adding another scoring category for our fake league next season. It will be called something along the lines of "Chasing down an idiot, showboating, me-first DB and taking the ball back after he makes a nice play, then decides to ruin it for his team by trying to place all of the attention on himself." Or, maybe we could call it the Don Beebe. Either way, I think something along the lines of 4 points for what White did on Sunday is more than reasonable.

Exceeded in futility in Week 5 by only The Dragons was Team STY. The Lazarus-like return of Tim Hasselbeck to the Seahwaks lineup meant that this fake team's starting QB, Seneca Wallace (-0.15) was relegated to trick play status for the week. I give credit to a guy, though, who is willing to play someone from their hometown who, through their collegiate travels, ended up playing in the cold, windy, snowy, and icy town said guy now lives (and, even made an always lame college team semi-relevant for a couple of years). I may be more compassionate than the rest of you towards guys who play Sacramento area players though, because I'm the guy that trotted J.T. O'Sullivan out there a couple of times last season.

On the bottom of the dogpile for second place is The Big Ragu. Michael Turner (22.85) and the Minnesota defense (20.00) were this team's standouts for the week, closely followed by Lawrence Tynes (14.00). Funny thing about Tynes....first, he was bound to score a lot of points, as his team was playing the Raiders. Second, he was assigned to TBR, when Carmine sent in a blank lineup for the week. Since the League Office is always there to help out whenever necessary, efforts were made to contact our newest owner. When no contact could be established, TLO had no choice other than to substitute a kicker for Nate Kaeding, who had the week off. In stepped Mr. Tynes, who had a monster day for a kicker. The moral of the story is this: The Commish has done a better job picking players for other teams this season (see D. Brees) than he has for his own.

Heading the pack of bottom feeders are the Gnomies. Struggle has been their middle name since about Week 12 of last season. This week, they were led by Matt Ryan (42.73) who tore up the Niners and gave them a little dose of humility on the field at Candlestick. He and Roddy White pointed out that, not only is Dre Bly a slow idiot, but that Nate Clements can't cover anyone who: is under the age of 38; or who attended a D-1 or D1A college. The television in the League Office stayed tuned to this game until the end with the hopes of seeing both Bly and Clements being chased toward the locker room mid-game by an enraged Mike Singletary. Needless to say, we were all disappointed that it never happened.

Making a Hasselbeck-like ascent was The Dominator. He was the high scorer for the week, all while zooming his way across Nevada, Utah, and parts of Wyoming. It was a team effort for the Travelin' Man, who was led by Matt Schaub (48.17). T.J. Houshmanzadeh (20.85), Hines Ward (17.25), and everyone's favorite personalities, Clinton Portis (17.70). Maybe this fake team is trying to reverse their course of the inagural season, where they started out hot, led the league for the first half, then tanked it the rest of the way. If they change things up and do things the opposite way, maybe they can finish near the side of the standings we are all pining for.

Staying with the theme of the inagural season, The Dragons are back in last place. Let's face it, Week 5 was painful. Only a late TD by the Arizona defense (10.00) kept this fake team from having only Brett Favre (24.54) in double figures for the week. We all know Brett Favre can carry a team, but putting that much pressure on him is ridiculous. Come on, now, would America (our best example of a comparison to Brett Favre) ever go to war in a cesspool like the Middle East without some help from other nations? Would America ever elect back to back Presidents who wouldn't even be successful running the local Jiffy Lube? Would America ever let people who want to destroy our country walk right across the border without asking for identification and asking a few questions? Oh, that's right, America does all of those things. If Favre truly is America, it looks like it could be a long year for this fake football team.


Notes:

• To paraphrase the schmo who covers the Raiders for the Bee and give him credit for a great line, maybe it is time for Tom Cable to walk into the Napa Police Station and confess to everything that he did to Randy Hansen. Jail couldn't possibly be any worse than coaching that mess.
• In keeping with Hispanic Heritage month (evidenced by the show put on by the NFL and President Barry last night in Miami), the rest of the games this month for the following teams will be announced in Spanish only: Kansas City, St. Louis, Cleveland, Oakland, Jacksonville, Tampa Bay, Washington, Detroit, and Buffalo. Not understanding what is being described will likely ease the pain a little for the fans of these teams. And, for those Spanish speakers who tune into the games, let's hope that the putrid play from these teams makes those listeners who are here illegally flee back to their home countries, never to return.
• The preceeding in no way was endorsed by Keith Olbermann. In fact, if Olbermann had his way, all NFL games would be announced in Arabic.
• Apologies for the past two paragraphs. Sean Hannity snuck into the League Office and penned the last two entries. Since I'm not here to silence anyone (Dick Stockton and Mike Lamb are frequent contributors, for crying out loud), I'll leave everything as it is.
• One more reference to Football Night in America, and it has nothing to do with the lack of height given to Bob Costas. It is no wonder everyone in the NFL hated Rodney Harrison. He's been on FNIA for barely a month and I would guess that 90% of America already hates him, too. In all honesty, I tuned in to Week 1's FNIA late and hated the guy before I even knew who he was.
• Tony Dungy, on the other hand, is a swell guy. And, smart, too. We all knew Ron Mexico and the Raiders were a match that we all wanted to see. It turns out that Mr. Dungy steered Senor Mexico away from Oaktown. Although it would have been great entertainment for America (and Brett Favre), the whole thing might have ended in a tragedy that nobody really wanted to see. Seriously. Think about it. Ron Mexico in Oakland. Right after being released from jail. The point was to make things easier on the guy, not harder.
• Finally, in case I really needed to point it out, the Pillow Fight of the Week was Buffalo 6, Cleveland 3. If the first 5 weeks are any indication, it will be tougher than ever to pick the Pillow Fight of the Year.

With that, I'm out of here for another week. Be safe and don't take any wooden nickels.

The Commish

Week 5 Schedule


SUN, OCT 11

Cleveland at Buffalo
10:00 AM

Dallas at Kansas City
10:00 AM

Minnesota at St. Louis
10:00 AM

Oakland at NY Giants
10:00 AM

Tampa Bay at Philadelphia
10:00 AM

Pittsburgh at Detroit
10:00 AM

Washington at Carolina
10:00 AM

Cincinnati at Baltimore
10:00 AM

Atlanta at San Francisco
1:05 PM

Jacksonville at Seattle
1:15 PM

Houston at Arizona
1:15 PM

New England at Denver
1:15 PM

Indianapolis at Tennessee
5:20 PM


MON, OCT 12

NY Jets at Miami
5:30 PM


Bye: Chicago, Green Bay, New Orleans, San Diego

Tuesday Update v4.4

No comprehensive review today, although there may be one tomorrow. Instead, we will have a quick overview of the week that was, including our current standings....

The Cyclones are threatening to run away and hide right now, as they are leading second place Team STY by over 60 points. The majority of this cushion was supplied by the San Francisco defense (39.00), which was picked up to replace the bye-enjoying Philadelphia defense.

The standings stayed the same as they were at the end of Week 3, however there was a little movement at the bottom, as The Dominator had a nice week to close in on seventh place.

Official Standings (Week 4):
Cyclones 511.17 (135.51)
Team STY 449.92 (91.30)
The Outlaws 442.29 (108.28)
The Maestro 430.68 (108.88)
The Big Ragu 412.28 (93.81)
Gnomies 371.63 (82.72)
The Dragons 364.32 (81.12)
The Dominator 354.80 (100.18)

More to follow (hopefully) tomorrow.....

The Commish