Monday Memo v2.17

Our second season of PPFFL fake football has come to a conclusion, with The Maestro bringing home the title. We knew that would be the case around Week 6. The rest of the league wound up the same way it had been since Week 15, when The Dragons passed the Kellogg Krushers for 2nd place.

Final Standings (Week 17):
The Maestro 2,212.49 (143.32)
The Dragons 1,874.46 (91.30)
Kellogg Krushers 1,844.21 (87.18)
The Bouncers 1,738.38 (65.75)
The Outlaws 1,646.96 (67.17)
The Dominator 1,578.31 (112.34)

Week 17 was a bit of a crapshoot for most of us, as the better players on the better teams didn't play very much, with one notable exception. New England was playing to go 16-0, meaning Tom Brady and Randy Moss were going to stay in there as long as necessary to get the job done (those two also had personal league records they were trying to attain). Having the Giants make it close the whole game meant that the guys that carried The Maestro all season gave everything they had for the full 60 minutes in an otherwise meaningless game. On the other hand, the fate of the Kellogg Krushers was settled when Brett Favre exited at the end of the 1st quarter in favor of Craig Nall.

The Dominator had another solid week, which is commendable considering the way the rest of his season unfolded. His Week 17 illustrated what happens when your team is made up of guys who play for borderline playoff teams, or worse. Those guys play hard at the end of the season (when they may have taken more than a few plays off earlier in the year) in an attempt to either sneak into the postseason or earn a job for the following season. The problem with these guys is they usually stink in the middle of the season and kill your fake team, as The Dominator more than realized this season.

This season we figured out things a little more and had the league expand by a team. It's possible that we may see another team or two added for 2008, meaning some of us might not be able to go through the whole draft by picking players off the tops of our heads. That's a testament to how well we all get along and how outsiders think they can come right in and win a fake league where Tom Brady was drafted after Marc Bulger, and Randy Moss wasn't drafted until the 6th round.

So that's a wrap on the 2007 season of the PPFFL. That's not the end of the analysis, though. A full recap of Season 2 will be published soon on this very space. It will hopefully be done Wednesday or Thursday, but that's not a guarantee. Keep checking, though, because it will be chock full of highlights of the season, awards, and the things that keep us all entertained while the guys in pads are trying to knock themselves into oblivion...or as Mike Tyson would say, Bolivion.

Have a happy and safe New Year, and spend all of 2008 doing great things....

The Commish

Week 17 Schedule


SAT, DEC 29

New England at NY Giants
5:15 PM
NFL


SUN, DEC 30

Buffalo at Philadelphia
10:00 AM

Cincinnati at Miami
10:00 AM

Carolina at Tampa Bay
10:00 AM

New Orleans at Chicago
10:00 AM

Jacksonville at Houston
10:00 AM

Seattle at Atlanta
10:00 AM

Detroit at Green Bay
10:00 AM

San Francisco at Cleveland
10:00 AM

Minnesota at Denver
1:15 PM

Dallas at Washington
1:15 PM

Pittsburgh at Baltimore
1:15 PM

San Diego at Oakland
1:15 PM

St. Louis at Arizona
1:15 PM

Kansas City at NY Jets
1:15 PM

Tennessee at Indianapolis
5:15 PM

Tuesday Review v2.16

This is a little later than normal, but Christmas did fall on Tuesday, so what do you expect? It would have been done yesterday, but Jack and Will were busy winning another indoor soccer tournament in an arena so cold, the health department wouldn't let you hang raw meat in there for fear of it getting freezer burn. Parents were literally taking their kids outside between games so they could warm up. It was so cold, Alex ordered a Coca Cola that was a slurpee by the time it was handed to him.

Okay, enough about the cold. Week 16 in the PPFFL saw The Dragons pass the Kellogg Krushers for 2nd place on the strength of their QB. If you would have asked couple of weeks ago which quarterback would be giving their team a boost in the standings, Kurt Warner or Brett Favre, the consensus would have definitely been with Favre. The opposite happened in Week 16, however, as Warner (54.88) outpointed Favre (8.56) by a factor of six. The rest of the league stayed the same. Worth noting, though, is the strong week from The Dominator, who had the top score for the week until Denver laid down and let LaDainian (16.70) and the rest of the Chargers run all over them. That let The Dragons sneak away with top honors for the week.

Official Standings (Week 16):
The Maestro 2,069.17 (96.48)
The Dragons 1,783.16 (132.53)
Kellogg Krushers 1,757.03 (68.51)
The Bouncers 1,672.63 (121.27)
The Outlaws 1,579.79 (99.64)
The Dominator 1,465.97 (130.42)

In lieu of the usual summaries for each individual team, we will spend this week touching on a few things that merit mentioning....

• T.O. got hurt and the Cowboys won, locking up home field advantage in the NFC when Green Bay laid an egg against the Bears. Reports say Owens should be ready for the Cowboys' first playoff game in 3 weeks. This situation bears more than a little resemblance to the year he got hurt and the Eagles ended up in the Super Bowl. T.O. heroically came back that year to play in the big game and had a huge game. The Eagles lost, however, to what was a better team. Instead of being satisfied with that, though, T.O. decided to hammer Dunnavunn and blame him solely for the loss. That ended up leading to his bizarre holdout that included the semi-nude driveway calisthenics and his eventual trade to Dallas. Stay tuned this year, because it is highly unlikely that Tony Romo escapes the wrath of T.O. unless Dallas brings home the Lombardi Trophy.
• An unprecedented triple simulcast will happen on Saturday, when NBC and CBS show the NFL Network's feed of New England's attempt to finish the regular season 16-0. The Giants will provide the opposition in what may be a game that draws Super Bowl-type ratings. Bryant Gumbel, therefore, will provide the play-by-play in what will be the most watched game of the regular season. This apparently upsets many people, including noted carrot top Grant Napear. A die hard Giants fan, Napear apparently can't stomach the thought of having to listen to Gumbel during such a huge game that involves his favorite team. Well, you know what? I don't really like listening to Grant tell me how great it would be to go to Arco Arena to join the homely sign lady for a Kings game. I also didn't appreciate him telling me how much the Maloofs care about their team when they send their neighbors from Natomas to sit in their courtside seats for the Bucks game. And, I especially don't appreciate the fact that half of the free TV networks will be forcing us to watch Eli Manning play QB on Saturday night. Napear, incidentally, thinks Eli has done a great job leaging the Big Blue this season. Of course, Grant might be a little biased toward the Mannings. He is the guy who spent about 30 minutes of his radio show a couple of years ago telling Mike Lamb how awesome it was to spend the night with Scot Pollard and Peyton Manning. It's fairly certain that Grant meant something other than what we're all thinking, but he wasn't quite able to articulate that on the air, mostly because of his borderline hyperventilation.
• Grant isn't the worst announcer in the NBA, though. That distinction goes to Kings radio man Garry Gerould. Listening to Garry these days makes you wish James Naismith had never invented basketball and Marconi had never figured out how to capture radio waves traveling through our skies.
• The worst NBA TV commentator isn't Grant, either. It's Warriors play-by-play man Bob Fitzgerald. Grant loves the Kings players, as all team announcers do, but will occasionally offer up some criticism when things aren't going well. Fitzgerald, on the other hand, speaks of all Warriors in the tone that 5th grade boys speak of the first girl to give them their phone number. I don't typically like to watch a lot of games announced by Fitzgerald, but will definitely tune in if and when he and Baron Davis share their first kiss. The only thing to top that broadcast would be the one that comes after Baron tells Bob he wants to see other NBA announcers, but would still like to be friends. It seems impossible for Bob to be down when discussing the Warriors, but it would likely happen if he and Baron ever broke up.
• Back to football, Purdue beat Central Michigan in a thrilling Motor City Bowl last night. A field goal on the last play of the game was the difference, as the Boilermakers won 51-48. As Purdue players flooded the field in jubilation, Central Mighigan's players sulked off the field filled with dejection. The majority of the pain came not from losing to Purdue, but from having to spend a December week in Detroit before losing to Purdue.
• Seriously, does any team really get excited to play in the Motor City Bowl? Most bowls showcase the cities where they are held, with the players being treated to the best each city has to offer. What collegiate athlete truly looks forward to experiencing the best of Detroit? I suppose the tour of all of the closed down industrial plants could be interesting. Watching people stand in a line a quarter mile long to pick up their welfare checks might be cool, too. Sitting in a hotel room and looking out the window to see blowing snow might be educational for any budding meterologists. The highlight of the Detroit experience, though, is probably the opportunity to purchase a gun at black market prices. That might be why there are rumors swirling that the University of Miami, should they not be eligible for the BCS Championship game, would like to be placed in the Motor City Bowl on an annual basis.

That's all for this week. A full season review will follow sometime after the conclusion of Week 17. Until then, don't take any wooden nickels.

Monday Memo v2.16

As Brett Favre goes, so go the Kellogg Krushers. Unfortunately for them, America's QB, legendary gunslinger, and everyone's favorite cousin was brutal in the cold and wind of Lambeau Field yesterday. The Bears defense bullied Favre all day long, picking off two passes (returning one for a TD) and blocking two punts, one of which was recovered in the end zone. Adding to the misery of the Krushers was Chicago's wise decision to go conservative on offense most of the game, denying Devin Hester the chance to catch majestic bombs thrown by Kyle Orton. Well, that may be a bit of an exaggeration. We all know nothing about the way Orton throws the ball is majestic.

The result of Chcago's pantsing of Green Bay on the frozen tundra yesterday is a change in the standings of the PPFFL. The Dragons used a huge Sunday from Kurt Warner to take over 2nd place, with designs on making the lead over the Krushers very comfortable going into the final week of the season.

Current Standings:
The Maestro 2,069.17
The Dragons 1,764.30
Kellogg Krushers 1,757.03
The Bouncers 1,672.63
The Outlaws 1,570.04
The Dominator 1,466.97

Tonight's Monday Night Football clash between Denver and San Diego will give The Dragons a good chance to solidify their claim on 2nd place. Taking the field for them will be LaDainian Tomlinson, who has been playing like the best running back in the league lately, and Jason Elam. Also involved for the PPFFL tonight will be Denver's Brandon Marshall, representing The Outlaws.

A full review of Week 16 will likely follow on Wednesday because, you know, we all might be a little busy tomorrow.

A Better Option

It was brought to my attention, by none other than myself, that I blew it when writing the entry about T.O./Tony Romo/Jessica Simpson yesterday. To get even with Romo, utilizing the ugly stepchild to Ms. Simpson (as Chattanooga is the stepchild to UT - if you don't get it, go back and read the whole thing again), T.O. needn't go trolling the alleys of Dallas or Nashville looking for Lorrie Morgan (I think I chose her so I could cap on Aikman a little bit).

The ugly stepchild to Jessica Simpson is obviously Ashlee Simpson. It is so plain to see, yet I dropped the ball. I promise not to miss something so obvious in the future.

Week 16 Lineups

The Maestro
QB: Drew Brees - NO
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
RB: Jamal Lewis - Cle
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
WR: Randy Moss - NE
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: Dallas


Kellogg Krushers
QB: Brett Favre - United States of America
RB: Steven Jackson - StL
RB: Willis McGahee - Bal
WR: Devin Hester - Chi
WR: Wes Welker - NE
TE: Dallas Clark - Ind
K: Rob Bironas - Ten
D: New England


The Dragons
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - SD
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal
WR: Reggie Wayne - Ind
TE: Alex Smith - TB
K: Jason Elam - Den
D: Green Bay


The Bouncers
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind
RB: Fred Taylor - Jac
RB: Marshawn Lynch - Buf
WR: T.J. Houshmanzadeh - Cin
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
TE: Donald Lee - GB
K: Mason Crosby - GB
D: Chicago


The Outlaws
QB: Tony Romo - Dal
RB: Ryan Grant - GB
RB: Willie Parker - Pit
WR: Brandon Marshall - Den
WR: Torry Holt - StL
TE: Chris Cooley - Was
K: Nick Folk - Dal
D: Seattle


The Dominator
QB: Derek Anderson - Cle
RB: Edgerrin James - Ari
RB: Clinton Portis - Was
WR: Braylon Edwards - Cle
WR: Chad Johnson - Cin
TE: Kellen Winslow - Cle
K: Neil Rackers - Ari
D: Jacksonville

Week 16 Transactions

The Dominator waives the Washington defense and acquires the Jacksonville defesne

The Bouncers waive Warrick Dunn (RB - Atl) and acquire Fred Taylor (RB - Jac)
The Bouncers waive Jeremy Shockey (TE - NYG) and acquire Donald Lee (TE - GB)

T.O.'s Favorite Team is The Dragons

Just when we thought this site was seen only by the eyes of the people directly involved with the PPFFL, we get this from the Dallas Morning News:

"Right now, Jessica Simpson is not a fan favorite in this locker room or in Texas Stadium," Owens said. "I think with everything that has happened, and obviously the way Tony played and the comparison between her and Carrie Underwood, I think a lot of people feel like she's kind of taken his focus away."

Those words come from none other than Terrell Owens and are directly in line with what has been written about Tony Romo on this site for over a year. These words are also the beginning of the meltdown that T.O. is due to have if he doesn't have good stats this weekend. So T.O., if you're checking in on us, don't let Romo disrespect you by throwing the ball to Jason Witten all day again. It's obvious he's distracted by blondes in tight pants and pink jerseys. It wouldn't be surprising if Jessica Simpson doesn't like you and tells Romo not to throw you the ball. After all, she has spent a considerable amount of time in Tennessee and Witten spent his college years playing for the Vols. You went to Chattanooga, the ugly stepchild of UT. She's just mocking you by telling Romo to ignore you. He's a blockhead so he listens to her with the hope that she'll put out if he throws enough passes to Witten.

You can do one of two things:
1) Throw Romo under the bus and threaten to walk away at the end of the year if you don't catch at least 10 passes this weekend. Use your considerable profile with the media to slander Romo as much as possible while making yourself out to be the victim. You can also get your superagent, Drew Rosenhaus, to circulate a rumor that Romo is off of his game because he contracted syphillis from Ms. Simpson.

2) Beat Romo at his own game. Since Chattanooga is the ugly stepchild to UT's golden child image, you need to find a washed up, slightly dirty version of Jessica Simpson. My suggestion is Lorrie Morgan. She's as washed up as anyone in Nashville and would make Paris Hilton blush if she ever listed how many dudes she's shacked up with. Plus, she was linked to Troy Aikman when he was with Dallas (although Aikman wouldn't remember because his mind can only hold onto what has happened to him over the last 90 days). What better way to get back at the new Cowboy QB than to grab attention for hooking up with the former main squeeze of the best QB in team history?

Don't let Romo get away with disrespecting you, Terrell! Nothing short of 10 catches and a couple of TDs will be acceptable this weekend. It's all up to Romo. If he's not getting you the ball, you know it's because he's got his head in someone's skirt. His celebrity hookups are giving him tons of publicity and affecting your stats on the field. You need to do whatever it takes to get the focus back where it belongs...on #81. If it means spending time with a 60 year old chain smoking former country music star or swallowing a few dozen sleeping pills to get the cameras back on you...well, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Week 16 Schedule


THU, DEC 20

Pittsburgh at St. Louis
5:15 PM


SAT, DEC 22

Dallas at Carolina
5:15 PM


SUN, DEC 23

Oakland at Jacksonville
10:00 AM

Philadelphia at New Orleans
10:00 AM

Kansas City at Detroit
10:00 AM

Cleveland at Cincinnati
10:00 AM

Green Bay at Chicago
10:00 AM

NY Giants at Buffalo
10:00 AM

Houston at Indianapolis
10:00 AM

Atlanta at Arizona
1:05 PM

Tampa Bay at San Francisco
1:05 PM

Baltimore at Seattle
1:15 PM

Miami at New England
1:15 PM

NY Jets at Tennessee
1:15 PM

Washington at Minnesota
5:15 PM


MON, DEC 24

Denver at San Diego
5:00 PM

Tuesday Review v2.15

Apologies to everyone for writing this 24 hours later than usual. For some reason, work has become an inconvenience when it comes to writing about this fake football league. Don't the people at KVIE realize that there are people who are looking forward to the information contained in these weekly summaries? A little more compassion and understanding isn't something you should have to ask for from a station that airs Sesame Street and Nova.

In regards to Week 15 in the PPFFL, Mother Nature was the big story. Teams that played in domes definitely had the best stats, as a Noreaster foiled New England in their attempt to score 100 points against the Jets and the Bills and Browns played in about 25 feet of blowing snow. The race for 4th place in this here league basically came to an end, as The Bouncers opened up their cushion to over 70 points on The Outlaws, so that leaves only the race for 2nd between the Kellogg Krushers and The Dragons to keep us interested over the last two weeks of the season.

At the top of the league, The Maestro officially set the single season scoring record this week, surpassing the total of 1,952.94 that the Cyhawks posted last season.

Official Standings (Week 15):
The Maestro 1,972.69 (84.30)
Kellogg Krushers 1,688.52 (107.54)
The Dragons 1,650.63 (101.26)
The Bouncers 1,551.36 (84.47)
The Outlaws 1,480.20 (63.13)
The Dominator 1,335.55 (59.79)

Week 15's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award" is presented to The Maestro, by way of Mother Nature. Our leader trotted Tom Brady (8.75) out there for the game against the Jets...a game where many thought he would be allowed to throw for 10 or 11 TDs. Instead, winds whipped and snow fell, keeping the New England offense in check. Meanwhile, in the warm confines of the Superdome, Brady's season long backup, Drew Brees (45.20), was lighting the place up, much to the delight of the hundreds of fans that took time out of their day to watch the Saints play.

The Maestro's record setting week was rather pedestrian when compared to everything his team did after Week 1. In addition to Brady, Randy Moss (8.95) found it tough to do much in the cold and wind. Thankfully, Adrian Peterson (17.75) turned it on in the 2nd half against the Bears on the night Roone Arledge decided that an eternity in Hell was better than watching Tarvaris Jackson and Kyle Orton play on Monday Night Football. Jason Witten (16.65) is back to being Tony Romo's favorite target. That, of course, means that the inevitable meltdown from T.O. could only be days away, particularly if Romo has another crappy game that doesn't include hitting Mr. Me in the end zone a couple of times. The Cowboys are really becoming an interesting team as we near the end of the season. Not only are they in a dogfight for home field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs, Romo went in the tank as soon as Jessica Simpson popped up again, and T.O. has to be nearing the breaking point after his last couple of games. Stay tuned....

Adding a little to the distance between them and their closest pursuer were the Kellogg Krushers. The best score in the PPFFL last week made them a little more likely to follow up their championship in the inaugural season with a runner-up finish in this one. Most of their production came from the Edward Jones Dome, as Brett Favre (25.89) and Steven Jackson (21.50) played in one of the few games that wasn't adversely affected by the weather. In conditions tailor made for defensive success and against a brutal offense, the New England defense (21.00) was awesome again after a couple of weeks where they looked very vulnerable. Rob Bironas (15.00) was busy for the Titans, which is understandable when you look at the development of Tennessee QB Vince Young. When teams spy him and make him throw the ball accurately, the results aren't very pretty. His athleticism will get yardage in the middle of the field, but the red zone is a different story. When the running gets tougher and the DBs have a smaller area to defend, the passes need to be pinpoint and Captain Wonderlic is about as acucrate as Mark Wohlers, circa 1999.

Still in the running for the runner-up spot in 2007 are The Dragons. A return to MVP caliber performances from LaDainian Tomlinson (23.15) is a big reason this team has rallied over the 2nd half of the season. It's as if Norv Turner finally realized that he had the best running back in the league and a QB who might have to sit behind Kyle Boller if he were in Baltimore. Speaking of QBs, the weekly carousel for this team showcased Kurt Warner (32.16) and God's new favorite guy was the highest scoring PPFFL chucker for the week. Brian Westbrook (16.65) was his usual steady self and pulled off what many analysts called the smartest play they have ever seen. If you missed it you probably aren't reading this, so I won't rehash it. More important is the mental state of T.O. (3.85) after the last 2 games where Jason Witten was the most productive Dallas receiver. That's okay if it happens once, and T.O. will let it slide if it happens twice, but it is highly likely it won't be tolerated if it happens a third week in a row. Should the Cowboys' game plan not revolve around #81 the fireworks could go off in and out of the locker room, regardless of whether the team wins or not. Let's face it, we all want to see T.O. do something crazy, and there's no better time than right before the playoffs.

Pretty much locked into 4th place in their first season of PPFFL football are The Bouncers. It wasn't a great week for them, but it was much better than that of their closest rival and all but locked up their positioning in the final standings. Peyton Manning (23.17) was good enough in Oakland to avoid losing to the Raiders. Mason Crosby (19.00) and Greg Jennings (13.30) took advantage of playing indoors. The Bears defense (11.00), meanwhile, took advantage of their opportunity to play against Tarvaris Jackson. If Vince Young can be compared to Mark Wohlers, then Jackson is Rick Ankiel in the 2000 playoffs. Sure, he threw some nice passes to his receivers that got open, but he also threw some balls where the closest person wearing purple was one of the Viqueens. The season isn't over yet, but it still seems appropriate to give some love to this rookie team for being relevant for most of the season and managing to stay out of the basement by a couple hundred points. Raise your hand if you expected a ton of success from them when they drafted Lorenzo Neal, the man who has carried the ball 13 times all season and is the designated blocker for LDT. That's what I thought.

Destined to finish next-to-last for the second consecutive season are The Outlaws. This season was nothing like last, though, as the team was much more competitive than it was a year ago. Last season saw The Spongebobs spending most of their time in the cellar. This year they stayed out of last for most of the season and even threatened some teams in front of them. In Week 15, where some big numbers could have pushed them into 4th place, only Brandon Marshall (19.35), Willie Parker (10.45), and Torry Holt (10.05) were able to crack double figures. The biggest disappointment was obviously Tony Romo (0.58), who had the worst week this season for a QB who played the whole game and didn't have to leave early due to injury. To put it into perspective, Romo tallied fewer points last week than Eli Manning, who threw 34! incompletions. As you all know, Romo's stinkbomb wasn't just a coincidence. Jessica Simpson turned up again last week and obviously caused the easily distracted Romo to have his head somewhere other than inside his helmet. The only positive for the fans in Dallas is that Ms. Simpson in unlikely to trek to Green Bay for a game in January, should Romo help piss away the home field advantage. With her somewhere else and some cold air to keep his head clear, Romo might have a better chance to win a big game there than he would if he were playing at home with his silicone filled beauty watching from a luxury box.

Last, but not least, we once again come to The Dominator. Give the guy some credit, he's showing some incredible dexterity for someone that has held up the whole league for most of the season. Another crummy week was guaranteed for him when Mother Nature decided to take out some frustration on Cleveland Sunday afternoon. Derek Anderson (4.24), Braylon Edwards (7.20), and Kellen Winslow (3.40) were fortunate just to get out of there without being swallowed up in an avalanche. To score the first 8-0 victory in professional football since 1929 was just icing on the cake. Or, cherry syrup on the snow-cone, if you prefer. Had it not been for Clinton Portis (15.30) this would have been the first octuple single in PPFFL history. Portis had a stellar game against a Giants team that is somehow in the playoff hunt with Eli at QB and a defense that appears to be playing a couple of men down sometimes. They've only faced what could be considered a quality QB 3 times this season (Favre once and Romo twice - sorry, Dunnavunn McNabb doesn't fit into that category anymore) and they got hammered in each game. They also gave up 41 points to the Tarvaris Jackson led Vikings, but that was the day Eli threw 3 TDs to the guys in the purple helmets, so Jackson's impact on that game was zero.

Notes:

• The order of transactions will remain the same for the rest of the season, unless something spectacular happens in the race between The Dragons and the Kellogg Krushers.
• Oakland had the chance to realize a goal for The Maestro at the end of the 1st half against the Colts. Indianapolis punted to around the Raider's 35 yard line, with only a few seconds left. A fair catch would have given SeaBass a shot at nailing a 75 yard free kick. Much to our leader's chagrin, the Polish Cannon stayed on the sideline as the Silver and Black simply ran out the clock and went to the locker room.
• A lot of people who follow the NFL like to rip on the low quality of QBs playing right now. A perfect example for their argument is the craptacular game from Monday night. The criticism seems a little unfair, though. There are many top notch signal callers in the game today, from Manning (Peyton, in case you were wondering) to Brady to guys like Brees and Romo, with guys like Dunnavunn, Derek Anderson, Matt Hasselbeck, and Kurt Warner that have either done well in the past or are having a solid 2007. If you look at any era in the NFL, you're going to find your crummy guys, so this year isn't any different than it has been in the past. It's likely more noticeable now because teams build their offenses around the passing game. Twenty years ago, Eli Manning would have been handing off much more than he would have been dropping back to pass. Nowadays, with teams throwing more than half of the time (and sometimes as high as 70-75% of the time) the stiffs like Cleo Lemon, Kyle Orton, and Alex Smith are front and center.

That's it for this week. As usual, and esecially in this most special time of the year, do great things, gentlemen.

The Commish

Roone Arledge Just Threw A Brick Through His TV

Eight minutes into the 2nd half of tonight's Monday Night Football game between the Bears and Vikings, it has been declared official...this is the worst matchup of QBs in MNF history. In fact, Tarvaris Jackson and Kyle Orton are the worst QBs to square off since Orton's Bears faced the Cody Pickett led 49ers two seasons ago.

The esteemed creator of MNF, the late Roone Arledge, rose from his grave, walked to the nearest sports bar, and promptly yanked the cords from every TV set in the joint. He has vowed to haunt ESPN's director of programming and the NFL's schedule maker for the rest of their lives. Similarly, Pete Rozelle will haunt NFL commissioner Roger Goodell until there is some measure in place to cancel any MNF games that feature QBs that would be 4th and 5th on the depth chart at Sac State.

The ghost of Arledge was quoted as saying, "I don't care if I get sent to Hell for doing this. The programming at sports bars in Hell couldn't get any worse than this!" As a matter of fact, right now ESPN's highest ratings are coming from the depths of the earth. Hell's Sports Bar will show this game on a continuous loop on 25 of their 29 TVs until the time when Cody Pickett gets another start in the NFL.

Monday Memo v2.15

The weather on the East Coast played havoc with many of the games yesterday, but didn't have a ton of impact on the PPFFL. Outside of the Noreaster plowing through New England, which made The Maestro set the new single season scoring record with a whimper, rather than a bang, the weather didn't have any impact on the standings.

Current Standings:
The Maestro 1,954.94
Kellogg Krushers 1,679.52
The Dragons 1,650.63
The Bouncers 1,537.46
The Outlaws 1,480.20
The Dominator 1,335.55

Tonight's NFC Norris Division showdown between the Vikings and Bears is getting more attention than it deserves from the PPFFL. The Maestro is hoping Adrian Peterson recovers from his 3 yards on 14 carries performance against the 'Niners. The Kellogg Krushers are counting on Devin Hester to give them more of a cushion on The Dragons. And, The Bouncers are looking to Chet Taylor and the Chicago defense to make them even more comfortable in 4th place.

The way the seasons for the Bears and Vikings have developed, the only way this game is interesting at all is if one of three things happens: Peterson has his Bo Jackson moment on MNF, running over and around the formidable (at least that's what most people think) Bears defense; Devin Hester scores a TD every time he touches the ball, and the Vikings keep kicking to him; or the Bears offense, under the direction of Kyle Orton, fails to complete a forward pass all night. Otherwise, this game will likely be very forgettable. Remember folks, it's not guys like Dan Fouts and Dennis Miller in the booth that make people turn away from MNF, it's Week 15 matchups between teams like the Bears and the Vikings, who have only won 12 games between them in 14 weeks.

Week 15 Lineups

There was only one roster change for the week, as The Outlaws waived the Oakland defense and acquired the Seattle defense.


The Maestro
QB: Tom Brady - NE
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
RB: Joseph Addai - Ind
WR: Randy Moss - NE
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: Dallas


Kellogg Krushers
QB: Brett Favre - America
RB: Willis McGahee - Bal
RB: Steven Jackson - StL
WR: Devin Hester - Chi
WR: Wes Welker - NE
TE: Dallas Clark - Ind
K: Rob Bironas - Ten
D: New England


The Dragons
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - SD
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal
WR: Reggie Wayne - Ind
TE: Alex Smith - TB
K: Jason Elam - Den
D: Green Bay


The Bouncers
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind
RB: Marshawn Lynch - Buf
RB: Chester Taylor - Min
WR: T.J. Houshmanzadeh - Cin
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
TE: Jeremy Shockey - NYG
K: Mason Crosby - GB
D: Chicago


The Outlaws
QB: Tony Romo - Dal
RB: Ryan Grant - GB
RB: Willie Parker - Pit
WR: Torry Holt - StL
WR: Brandon Marshall - Den
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: Nick Folk - Dal
D: Seattle


The Dominator
QB: Derek Anderson - Cle
RB: Edgerrin James - Ari
RB: Clinton Portis - Was
WR: Chad Johnson - Cin
WR: Braylon Edwards - Cle
TE: Kellen Winslow - Cle
K: Neil Rackers - Ari
D: Washington

Week 15 Schedule


THU, DEC 13

Denver at Houston
5:15 PM


SAT, DEC 15

Cincinnati at San Francisco
5:15 PM


SUN, DEC 16

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh
10:00 AM

Atlanta at Tampa Bay
10:00 AM

Seattle at Carolina
10:00 AM

Green Bay at St. Louis
10:00 AM

Baltimore at Miami
10:00 AM

NY Jets at New England
10:00 AM

Arizona at New Orleans
10:00 AM

Buffalo at Cleveland
10:00 AM

Tennessee at Kansas City
10:00 AM

Indianapolis at Oakland
1:05 PM

Detroit at San Diego
1:15 PM

Philadelphia at Dallas
1:15 PM

Washington at NY Giants
5:15 PM


MON, DEC 17

Chicago at Minnesota
5:30 PM

Tuesday Review v2.14

As stated yesterday, we may have a little excitement as we head toward the end of the season. The last 3 weeks will definitely determine who finishes 2nd in the standings, as The Dragons have made a huge move the last couple of weeks and now stand a little over 30 points behind the Kellogg Krushers. A little further back, The Outlaws have put together a couple of solid weeks and are within 50 points of The Bouncers. Moving on to teams who will not be involved in any drama, The Maestro was once again the high scorer for the week, while The Dominator again brought up the rear.

Official Standings (Week 14):
The Maestro 1,888.39 (160.98)
Kellogg Krushers 1,580.98 (82.07)
The Dragons 1,549.37 (136.59)
The Bouncers 1,466.89 (108.93)
The Outlaws 1,417.07 (136.79)
The Dominator 1,275.76 (76.80)

The Dragons win the "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award" for Week 14, owing to their decision to keep Marques Colston (25.60) on the bench in favor of Terrell Owens (4.05). It's true that T.O. has been as hot a anyone the past month, so it would have been a questionable decision to keep him idle. Still, when a non-starter puts up the numbers Colston did while your main guy pulls a Harvey the Rabbit, you get the ISWIWHPTGA.

The Maestro basically played with 5 guys and was still able to put up the biggest number for the week. Tom Brady (60.18) and Randy Moss (28.75) decided to start playing again after taking the previous 2 weeks off. Jason Witten (28.90) set a Dallas record for receptions in a game, something that undoubtedly put T.O. in a bad mood, even though the Cowboys won. {Prediction: T.O. will pout this week if he catches anything less than 10 passes or scores fewer than 2 T.D.s...anything less and there won't be any jovial interviews with Ed Werder following the game.} Joseph Addai (25.05) and Larry Fitzgerald (15.95) rounded out the active roster for Week 14. Taking the week off were Adrian Peterson (0.15), Sebastian Janikowski (1.00) and the Dallas defense (1.00). For the record, The Maestro acquired SeaBass in the hopes he will kick the first ever 70 yard field goal. That would be the icing on the cake that has been this dominating season.

Sliding back for the second straight week are the Kellogg Krushers. Brett Favre (26.32) played it safe most of Sunday, which was more than adequate with the Raiders visiting Lambeau. Wes Welker (19.00) had a nice game, even with Randy Moss deciding to participate in the offense again. Devin Hester (12.15), though, was the only other player to reach double figures for the KKs. Steven Jackson (9.85) and the Rams have totally reached the point of irrelevance, for who knows how long (It ain't the Greatest Show on Turf anymore). Dallas Clark (1.75) was shut down by the Baltimore defense, which is nice because every other Colt was doing puddle angels in the end zone. And, Reggie Bush was put on the IR with a partially torn knee ligament. In news involving one of Reggie's biggest critics (and fellow Trojan), Mike Lamb sufferd a slight bruise of his mandible when he tried to eat a whole side of beef in one bite. Unlike Bush, who is out for the season, Lamb rested for a few minutes, then proceeded to eat a whole turducken and 17 pounds of fried rice.

Break up The Dragons! This team is on a major roll, even though they've basically played without a QB the last 3 weeks. Kurt Warner (36.74) was the stopgap guy this week, and put up nice numbers, even with the 5 interceptions he threw. LaDainian Tomlinson (28.65) and Brian Westbrook (20.10) were a dynamic duo in the backfield, and more than made up for the struggles of T.O. (4.05) and Alex Smith (3.95). The big surprise of the week...well not exactly a surprise because they were going up against the Josh McCown led Raiders...was the Green Bay defense (22.00). Returning a punt for a TD and recovering a fumbled punt for a TD are not things you expect to get from your defense, unless it is facing one of the Bay Area teams. Going into Week 15 we will all be anxious to see if The Dragons keep the strategy of randomly picking a mediocre QB to start (Kyle Boller is available and Kyle Orton has been tabbed to start for the Bears), or if they go back to the now healthy Dunnavunn McNabb. Stability and production at the QB position has always been a key in the PPFFL, up until the last couple of weeks where QB Roulette has worked really well for this team.

Fading back into the lower half of the league are The Bouncers. It looks as though the grind of the regular season has caught up with our youngest entry and they have hit the wall. Peyton Manning (39.98) was as sharp as ever against the Ravens, but saw little 2nd half action as the game was in hand before John Madden had finished his first bucket of hot wings. Chester Taylor (18.20) broke off an 80 yard run against the 'Niners and scored twice, while Greg Jennings (16.00) hauled in an 80-yard TD pass from Uncle Sam...err...Our Favrer...um...Brett Favre. T.J. Houshmanzadeh (11.00) reached double figures once again, but got no help from the likes of Marshawn Lynch (6.35), Heath Miller (5.40), or the suddenly pedestrian Chicago defense (3.00). It wouldn't be surprising if Lance Briggs wishes he were traded to San Francisco in the offseason. He would still be losing, but would at least be close to home. And, with the traffic caused by the renovation of the Bay Bridge so bad (even at 3:30 in the morning), he probably wouldn't have been able to get up enough speed in his Lamborghini to lose control and run it into a freeway ditch.

Putting together a late run in an attempt to avoid finishing next to last for the second straight season are The Outlaws. If it weren't for Tom Brady, the leading candidate for PPFFL MVP (and probably NFL MVP) would be Tony Romo (52.29). The guy makes the plays that matter, and even has a horseshoe up his rear end every now and then, evidenced by his fumble on Dallas' last drive that was treated like a flaming meteor by the Detroit defense. Brandon Marshall (31.25) was the rare WR to crack the 30-point barrier in a game that, honestly, the Commissioner's Office would have never been aware of if it hadn't been for the internet. Tony Gonzalez (16.80) was able to put up nice numbers in the same game that could have been played on Neptune for all anyone cared (and that includes the diehard fans of both the Broncos and Chiefs...in fact, the Chiefs fans probably wish the game had been played on Neptune). Ryan Grant (19.10) was huge against Oakland, making Bob's decision to go with the Raiders' defense (-2.00) a head-scratcher, to say the least.

Rounding out the team summaries for another week is The Dominator. This season has been forgettable, to say the least. Derek Anderson (23.35) and Braylon Edwards (12.15) were the leaders, again. They were joined in double figures by only Clinton Portis (12.10). The Single Digit Club was headed by the Washington defense (9.00), Edgerrin james (6.50), Kellen Winslow (5.70), Chad Johnson (5.00), and Neil Rackers (3.00). It's hard to comment on this team without sounding negative, so all that will be said this week is this: Only 3 more weeks until this team can disband and The Dominator plan for next year's draft. The most important thing to do in preparation for the draft will be figuring out how Jack rigged this year's draft and doing it next year. Second most important will be erasing Marc Bulger and Matt Leinart from the draft board.

Notes:

• Same transaction order as always, although there is a slight chance the order could change before Week 17.
• Due to the Denver @ Houston NFL Network Crud-o-Rama on Thursday that may, in fact, cause the earth to spin wildly out of control toward a distant galaxy, starting lineups are due by tomorrow afternoon.
• Speaking of Thursday's game, which is the official Pillow Fight of the Week, it will be played indoors at night. For that reason, Mike Shanahan will be spending the hours of 2:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. in a tanning bed set on nuclear. The man won't go out on the sideline with anything but a Thanksgiving turkey shade to him, even for a game that is only available on television to about 5 million people, 4.999999997 million of which who would rather be taking a bath in hydrochloric acid than be watching the game.
• The Commissioner's Office held its Holiday Party at Arco Arena last night, taking in the Kings/Bucks game. It was Winter Whiteout night, although only about 1/3 of the people in attendence actually wore white. As has been their custom lately, the Maloofs were too cheap to hand out 12,000 white T-shirts that would have cost them about $5 apiece to make.
• You haven't lived until you've spent the better part of 3 hours watching a sporting contest with legendary Sacramento area football coach Frank Negri. He is the neighbor of the Warners in Section 111, Row V at Arco and has no problem ripping on every single player in the home uniforms, while acting like every opponent is Jordan, Bird, Chamberlain, and Robertson. It's frightening to think what it must have been like for a teenager to play football for this guy. There's a good reason that Foothill High School didn't throw a huge retirement party for him when he left the school after 40-some years on the sideline: they couldn't find a single former player or assistant coach that wanted to come back and praise the bitter old SOB.
• To close this week, a tragic, but fitting story about the 2007 San Francisco 49ers. The season opened with enthusiasm and optimism that the progress and fight shown in 2006 would lead to the team carrying that momentum into 2007 and visiting the playoffs for the first time since Jeff Garcia was under center. The opposite has happened, however, as the team has looked awful, franchise QB Alex Smith has looked like Kim Alexis (only not as pretty), and the team traded its sure top 3 pick to New England in the offseason. The final chapter to the season, at least from the fans' standpoint, was written last Sunday when, during the beatdown being administered by Minnesota, a lifelong supporter of the team (some at first thought it was Joe Montana, others were hoping it was Randy Cross) felt it was time to go fetch yet another beer meant to dull the pain of watching the worst offense to ever attempt a forward pass. After drinking about half the beer, the man climbed up on a wall above the upper concourse at Candlestick and proceeded to execute a swan dive onto the cement about 20 feet below. The end was quick for this fan, almost as quick as it took Trent Dilfer to hand the Vikings a TD that day. Reports say that the fan's demise may be an accident, but almost every 'Niner fan, yours truly included, isn't at all surprised that someone had finally had enough and decided to end it all, rather than watch the team try to run another offensive play. This guy, who could have just walked out of the stadium, throwing all of his 'Niner fan gear in the garbage on the way out and vowing never to watch the team again, was so destroyed by the first 13 games this year that he decided it was best to just throw himself off of the high wall.

Have a great week, gentlemen, and for God's sake, don't climb onto any high walls when your favorite team is playing offense with the skill and grace of Britney Spears' MTV Video Music Awards performance. Please, please, please do not gimme more.

The Commish

Monday Memo v2.14

We have some drama! The Dragons are making a huge move and are reeling in the Kellogg Krushers in the race for 2nd place. Another huge week has The Dragons within shouting distance of the runner-up position. A little further down, The Outlaws are making a move of their own on the 4th place Bouncers. If nothing else, the last 3 weeks of the season will give us a couple of things to watch, outside of what the league scoring record will end up being.

Current Standings:
The Maestro 1,888.39
Kellogg Krushers 1,580.98
The Dragons 1,549.37
The Bouncers 1,466.89
The Outlaws 1,417.07
The Dominator 1,275.76

Is it a coincidence that Ron Mexico was sentenced for his role in a dog fighting operation on the same day that his Falcons are meeting the Saints on Monday Night Football? Probably, but it remains to be seen what will be the worst news for the Falcons today: that the former face of their franchise will be spending the next 23 months in a federal prison, or that the country has to watch the team on national television tonight. The only thing that could make this game palatable would be if Byron Leftwich took a cue from the movie "Stand By Me" and replayed the pie eating scene. In that, the fat guy who everyone made fun of entered a pie eating contest, making sure he would be regurgitating each and every bit of blueberry pie he stuffed down his gullet. The resulting stream of bluish-red vomit had everyone in the audience hurling uncontrollably. If Leftwich could get the few thousand fans that actually attend the game at the Georgia Dome tonight to start recycling their Chick-Fil-A, Cracker Barrel, and moonshine, then it might actually make tuning into that pillow fight worthwhile.

Even the most unappealing of games has implications in the PPFFL, however. Reggie Bush will be suiting up for the Kellogg Krushers, trying to silence critics like KHTK's Mike Lamb, who thinks Reggie has spent too much time doing commercials and not enough time trying to become a superstar football player. Well, Mr. Lamb, maybe some people think you have been spending too much time trying to grow the largest head to ever be connected to a live human body and not enough time trying to formulate an actual intelligent opinion on sports.

Week 14 Lineups

The Maestro
QB: Tom Brady - NE
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min
RB: Joseph Addai - Ind
WR: Randy Moss - NE
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari
TE: Jason Witten - Dal
K: Sebastian Janikowski - Oak
D: Dallas

Kellogg Krushers
QB: Brett Favre - America
RB: Reggie Bush - NO
RB: Steven Jackson - StL
WR: Devin Hester - Chi
WR: Wes Welker - NE
TE: Dallas Clark - Ind
K: Rob Bironas - Ten
D: New England

The Dragons
QB: Kurt Warner - Ari
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - SD
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal
WR: Reggie Wayne - Ind
TE: Alex Smith - TB
K: Jason Elam - Den
D: Green Bay

The Bouncers
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind
RB: Marshawn Lynch - Buf
RB: Chester Taylor - Min
WR: T.J. Houshmanzadeh - Cin
WR: Greg Jennings - GB
TE: Heath Miller - Pit
K: Mason Crosby - GB
D: Chicago

The Outlaws
QB: Tony Romo - Dal
RB: Ryan Grant - GB
RB: Justin Fargas - Oak
WR: Torry Holt - StL
WR: Brandon Marshall - Den
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC
K: Nick Folk - Dal
D: Oakland

The Dominator
QB: Derek Anderson - Cle
RB: Edgerrin James - Ari
RB: Clinton POrtis - Was
WR: Chad Johnson - Cin
WR: Braylon Edwards - Cle
TE: Kellen Winslow - Cle
K: Neil Rackers - Ari
D: Washington

Week 14 Transactions

The Outlaws waive the Denver defense and acquire the Oakland defense
The Outlaws waive Andre Johnson (WR - Hou) and acquire Justin Fargas (RB - Oak)

The Dragons waive Matt Schaub (QB - Hou) and acquire Kurt Warner (QB - Ari)
The Dragons waive the Carolina defense and acquire the Green Bay defense

The Maestro waives the San Francisco defense and acquires the Dallas defense
The Maestro waives Jason Hanson (K - Det) and acquires Sebastian Janikowski (K - Oak)

Week 14 Schedule

Sorry about the lack of a summary for Week 13. Harkening back to the pioneer days at Sutter's Fort was a huge undertaking yesterday and the office of the Commissoiner has been slammed with actual work today, so an official summary may never appear. That being said, the big mover in the standings was The Dragons, however things are still the same as they have been since about Week5.

Official Standings (Week 13):
The Maestro 1,727.41 (70.19)
Kellogg Krushers 1,498.91 (56.62)
The Dragons 1,412.78 (137.93)
The Bouncers 1,357.96 (108.16)
The Outlaws 1,280.28 (107.88)
The Dominator 1,198.96 (98.98)

With that, the following is the schedule for Week 14:


THU, DEC 6

Chicago at Washington
5:15 PM


SUN, DEC 9

Miami at Buffalo
10:00 AM

St. Louis at Cincinnati
10:00 AM

Dallas at Detroit
10:00 AM

Oakland at Green Bay
10:00 AM

San Diego at Tennessee
10:00 AM

NY Giants at Philadelphia
10:00 AM

Carolina at Jacksonville
10:00 AM

Tampa Bay at Houston
10:00 AM

Minnesota at San Francisco
1:05 PM

Arizona at Seattle
1:05 PM

Pittsburgh at New England
1:15 PM

Cleveland at NY Jets
1:15 PM

Kansas City at Denver
1:15 PM

Indianapolis at Baltimore
5:15 PM


MON, DEC 10

New Orleans at Atlanta
5:30 PM


The awesome Bears @ Redskins matchup tomorrow night means your lineup will need to be submitted by tomorrow. It also means that Bryant Gumbel will pontificate endlessly about what the murder of Sean Taylor means to everyone. As usual, it will be Gumbelievable!

Monday Memo v2.13

Another strong week was posted by The Dragons, who are comfortably in 3rd place and are making a late season move on the Kellogg Krushers, who were crushed by the injury to Brett Favre on Thursday night. The bottom half of the league looks very symmetrical, as about 80 points separate The Bouncers in 4th place from the 5th place Outlaws, with The Dominator about another 80 points back in 6th.

Current Standings:
The Maestro 1,691.87
Kellogg Krushers 1,490.96
The Dragons 1,412.78
The Bouncers 1,357.96
The Outlaws 1,280.28
The Dominator 1,198.96

Tonight's likely boat race between New England and Baltimore showcases players from just two teams in the PPFFL and, SURPRISE!, none of those players will be suiting up for the home standing Ravens. For whatever reason, teams in the PPFFL prefer Tom Brady and Randy Moss over the likes of Kyle Boller and Derrick Mason. That particular Patriot pair will be representing The Maestro tonight, while the Kellogg Krushers will be looking for some production out of Wes Welker and the New England defense.

A full Week 13 recap to follow late tomorrow or on Wednesday, as the Commissioner's office will be closed most of the day to attend what better be the greatest freaking field trip in history tomorrow at Sutter's Fort. For what it has cost and the level of participation expected of the parents, I am fully expecting to either meet John Sutter himself (or the ghost thereof), or to actually be presented with a few pounds of real gold nuggets.