Tuesday Review #13The end of Week 13 coincides with the arrival of NBA Commissioner David Stern in Sacramento to help negotiate a deal to build an arena to replace Arco. In honor of this visit, this summary will be written to conform with the high standards of the Sacramento City Council. That means you will be getting a huge summary (probably 2-3 times longer than usual) with humor usually only delivered by the likes of Eddie Murphy, Dennis Miller, or Gallagher. You will also be seeing graphics spread thoughout the summary to illustrate my points. To top it all off, there will be expert commentary from the likes of Peter King, Dan Patrick, Boomer Esisason, The Schwab, and Carrot Top among others. Fasten your seatbelts, because this is going to be a wild ride, and will be something that will make this site so much better for our kids and their kids and their kids, and so on, and so on....
There was only one change in the standings this week, as Plan Z had their best week of the season and edged out The Spongebobs for 3rd place. The Cyhawks are still at the top, as usual, because of LDT. It was nice to hear from the MVP that playing in the frigid weather in Buffalo was something he always wanted to do when he was a kid growing up in Texas. Places like Buffalo, Green Bay, and Cleveland intrigued him because of the propensity for snow late in the season. Up until Sunday he hadn't played in a game where it was so cold and snow was drifting through the air. His postgame impression was that the cold wasn't as bad as he thought it would be and didn't really affect his performance. LIAR!!! Sure, he ran for over 100 yards and a couple of scores, but he didn't
throw for any scores. Come on, LaDainian, don't give us the rose colored view. Suck it up and tell us that the frigid temps made it nearly impossible for you to throw tight spirals to wide open receivers. We promise, it won't dim our view of your talent one bit.
Current Standings (Week 13):
Cyhawks 1,589.15 (121.58)The Dominator 1,374.69 (96.27)Plan Z 1,303.09 (135.30)The Spongebobs 1,297.37 (91.32)The Dragons 1,157.55 (76.94)This week marked the temporary resurrection of Marvin Harrison (24.60). Once thought to be residing in the retirement home for sports superstars (along with the likes of Muhammad Ali, Bill Russell, Bob Feller, and Dick Stockton), he inexplicably (at least for Plan Z) caught 9 balls for 174 yards and a long TD. This gives Plan Z the 13th "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy Award", because they started the other Colt receiver, Reggie Wayne (5.85). If anyone would like to see Marvin go back to catching 2 passes for 6 yards, please let me know, and I will be sure Alex and Jack tab him for the starting lineup this week.
Another solid, if upspectacular, week was posted by the
Cyhawks. That's what you get when the Bengals are held to 13 points, rather than the 30-odd that they had been putting up for the past month. Carson Palmer (26.03) and Ocho Cinco (12.55) weren't
that bad, but Rudi Johnson (5.20) was. As pointed out earlier, LaDainian (27.60) was, once again, the class of RBs, while teammate Antonio Gates (17.50) also seemed to be comforted by the frigid temperatures in Buffalo. Steve Smith (13.70) found the end zone on Monday Night Football and the Jaguars defense (12.00) was rock solid.
Quick Update:Ron Jaworski will be by later in the summary to break down some film clips that will be inserted on the page. This thing is getting so big that it might take all day to read it.The Dominator maintained his hold on second place, but he has to be looking in the rear view mirror. He once again failed to crack the century mark, mostly because the AFC South has figured out how to slow down Peyton Manning (29.77). His lack of 40 and 50 point weeks is definitely taking it's toll on the Big Guy. That and the Pittsburgh offense, of which Willie Parker (5.30) is a main cog. Who knew that Jerome Bettis would perform better in the Miller Lite "Man Law" commercials than his replacement would perform on the gridiron? Steven Jackson (17.25) looked good in a loss to Arizona...meaning he still left the stadium completely humiliated. Hey! Wait a minute! Alge Crumpler (11.10) actually caught a couple of passes on Sunday, one of them in the end zone! Thanks, Alge, for giving Ron Mexico's middle fingers a rest!
This is incredible...even though this isn't a college football summary, we will shortly have Kirk Herbstreit, Beano Cook, Jeff Tedford, and Tom Arnold in here to talk about the BCS and this season's bowl games.Back up to 3rd place, soon to fall back to 4th, is
Plan Z. There was a buzz in Elk Grove as final stats from the early Sunday games came in and it looked like QB Tom Brady (31.05) might have a chance to crack the elusive 30 point barrier. Champagne and apple cider corks were popping when the feat was confirmed Monday morning. The star of the week for this team, though, was Tony Gonzalez (29.25), who was a stallion in the Chiefs loss. Less stallion-like in the same game was recent stalwart Larry Johnson (11.80), whose stats nearly mirrored backfield mate Shaun Alexander (11.60). Torry Holt (21.75) held his head up high after the loss to the Cardinals because, hey, he got his. And, props to the Patriots defense (16.00) that came up with 5 turnovers against the Kitna-led Lions.
So many people want to get involved with this summary today! After the Dragons' recap, pictures from the yet to be released Philadelphia Eagles lingerie calendar will be posted. Not wanting to be left out, Jessica Simpson, Eva Longoria, and Katherine Heigl will be sending pictures of themselves clad only in bikinis. I respectfully declined the photos of Tony Parker strolling the beaches of the French Riviera in a thong.Not far behind in 4th place are
The Spongebobs. Drew Brees (21.92) struggled more than he has recently against the full 11-man defense of the Niners. Fortunately, Marion Barber III (15.80) was inserted into the lineup to help pick up the slack. The real star of the week was the Bears defense (31.00), who posted this year's best week from a defense. It was all needed to make up for the continued crappiness exhibited by Chicago's QB, who we all know and love in this league. Week 13 was the first tough one in awhile for Frank Gore (8.46), and was also tough for Roy Williams (5.50) because his QB kept throwing the ball to guys dressed in Patroits uniforms.
There is a little disappointing news to share, but on a project this big, there are bound to be some setbacks. Dan Patrick's agent called and said he would only be here if he received the $25,000 he was promised up front. I don't know where he got the notion he would be paid, so I told him I was sorry he would be missing out on such a huge football extravaganza. Tom Arnold also chimed in to say he wasn't coming if Patrick wasn't coming. No problem, because I think I can get Sinbad to replace him. Oh, and someone just found Carrot Top passed out in front of Christina Aguilera's house holding a bra with a bunch of SOS pads sewn into it. Whatever that means. Anyway, a couple of cups of coffee and a small bail bond should have CT here shortly.The Dragons had, what has become for them, a typical week. Early on, it was nothing but sunshine as T.J. Houshmanzadeh (24.30) was huge on Thursday night. Sunday, was a different story, though. Tony Romo (14.64) is obviously beginning the downward slide brought on by Jessica Simpson. He might be able to pull a Roethlisberger and keep winning ugly games by riding the running game and defnese, but it's not to be for long. Just ask Terry Glenn (6.60) which direction he thinks Tony Simpson is heading. Wait a minute, he'll have to get in line behind T.O. before he can comment. Unfortunately for the Giants defense (5.00), forcing a ton of ugly looking incompletions doesn't earn you many points.
I know you all were promised some shots of cheerleaders in lingerie and celebrities in bikinis in this space. Don't get upset, but the downloads didn't come through. It's obviously because the Eagles and publicists for Simpson, Longoria, and Heigl weren't willing to work with us. I don't know why. I told them I would post the pictures and, after we all got to look at them for a few months, I might pay them the $30,000 I promised each of them...but ONLY if the pictures were as great as I thought they would be. I'm not going to be ripped off here. This site is too classy to post photos that aren't up to snuff. Plus, they should be paying US for this kind of exposure, no pun intended.Notes:
- Starting lineups and transactions need to be in by Wednesday (The Dominator has already submitted his), since every Thursday from here on out will be Gumbelievable.
- In case you haven't caught my drift recently, or heard his comments about Tony Romo, Michael Irvin is a crack smoking idiot. The only people dumber are the executives at ESPN that keep him on the air.
Sorry for the delay, I've been on the phone for the last hour trying to keep this thing together. It seems that there are a lot of problems with financing the appearances of the personalities that committed to appear. They were all under the impression that they were going to receive between $20,000 and $100,000 each to participate. When I denied ever saying this, Beano Cook's agent played back a recording of the conversation I had with them where I apparently promised Beano $40,000. This tape was obviously doctored, and if I did say that, what I meant was that Beano could pay US that much to appear. They didn't seem to think that was justified, even going so far as to tell me to do something that isn't physically possible. Don't they understand the importance of being on a hot website like this?
Well, once the cheerleaders, hot babes, Patrick, Arnold, and Beano backed out, everyone else did, too. Well, everyone except Sinbad. He said he would be available any time to provide some insight and comedy. Anyway, the whole extravaganza has been scrapped for now, but don't get upset, because we'll be coming back with something even better very soon. Trust me, there are people out there willing to pay thousands of dollars to appear on this site. ESPN.com and SI.com, to name a couple, are nothing compared to what we have here. Trust me, people will be paying us tons of money to share their opinions and sexy photos with the world. It won't be long until they wake up and realize they can't live without us. Until then, does anyone have a couple of bucks I can borrow to bribe the homeless guys and teen runaways who keep hanging around here? If I can get them to leave for just a couple of hours, we might be able to attract some new readers to the site.
Until next time, do great things...oh, and never believe the Sac City Council when they tell you all about the great things they are going to do downtown. We'll all be listening to St. Peter call the roll before the railyard and all of the vacant lots in downtown Sacramento are developed.
The Commish
