News and Notes

We're two weeks from the start of another NFL season, meaning another hot season of PPFFL is right around the corner. Here are some news, notes, and thoughts on the impending season....

• As can be expected, Ron Mexico's guilty plea to dog fighting charges is hogging all of the headlines. What is being underplayed a bit in this mess is the way his three co-defendants rolled over on him so quickly. It's almost like he was David Carr and his buddies were the Texans' O-line.

• Yours truly was a little miffed to see ESPN holding a live fantasy draft the other day. Not only was this colossally boring (why I only watched about 10 minutes of it), it was insulting that the PPFFL wasn't offered a chance to televise our draft. In true ESPN fashion, they beat this shaky idea into the ground by making their fake draft last nearly as long as the real NFL Draft. From what I saw, Sean Salisbury is either retarded, or he has taken his "angry guy" schtick to the ultimate level; Jerry O'Connell (of Jerry Maguire fame) is almost as nuts as his brother who was once the craziest version of "The Bachelor" ever; and Nick Bakay is either a football savant, or (more likely) the ESPN experts have little clue about the game they cover. Bakay has won the league that last 2 years (apparently I missed the telecasts of the previous 2 drafts - shame on me). This is the guy who made his fame providing the voice of the black cat on "Sabrina the Teenaged Witch" and he's kicking the tar out of Salisbury, Mark Schlereth, Trey Wingo, and all of the other chuckleheads ESPN pays to analyze the NFL.

• Watching the fake draft ticker, I noticed Salisbury took running backs with his 1st 3 picks. Now, their league probably isn't as skewed toward QBs as ours, but it will likely be safe to predict that Sean will be shouting about how he can't get any decent play out of the QB position on his fantasy team and how he can't seem to find anyone to take Rex Grossman off of his hands.

• Speaking of Rex, he was on Monday Night Football in a "rematch" of the Super Bowl, and he seems to have picked up right where he left off. Fumbled snaps, interceptions, crummy throws...Rex was in midseason form. The Bears beat writer for the Chicago Tribune even went out to a youth football practice to see if any of the 10 year olds had advice on how Rex could better handle the snaps from center. Seriously. The prevailing opinion was that taking the snap wasn't really that hard and that random drunken fans taken from the concourses of Soldier Field would be better at taking snaps and handing the ball off than ol' Rex is.

• Tiki Barber threw Eli Manning under the bus with regard to his lack of leadership, then proceeded to drive it over him a few times. The criticism makes Tiki look rather shallow, but, honestly, does anyone out there think Eli is a dynamic leader capable of taking his team to great heights? Well, Grant Napear did say after Eli's first preseason game during his rookie season that he would be a Hall of Famer and his arrival was the beginning of a Giants revival (good luck getting Peaches to remember that bold proclamation). I would bet the farm that the Giants all breathe a massive sigh of relief if Eli can remember what color jerseys and helmets they are wearing at the beginning of each possession. And what about his speaking voice, which Tiki brought into question? The guy has ridden Peyton's coattails into numeruos commercials and has actually spoken absolutely ZERO times. If he ever gets a speaking part, the director will probably have Cooper Manning's voice dubbed in.

• Speaking of Mannings in commercials and Eli's suckitude, do you think Archie really wishes Matt Leinart was his youngest son? Sure, Leinart's a dead beat dad and a total meathead who lives with his mom and makes her pay for meals when they are out together but, if you can get past that, he most definitely throws the bean better than Eli.

• On a non-football note, Terry Fador recently won the big prize on "America's Got Talent". As if he was reading my mind, he celebrated his victory by admitting, "All I really wanted to do is find a place in the mainstream for ventriloquism." Amen, my friend, amen. Now let's hope the greats from the past like Jay Johnson & Bob and Willie Tyler & Lester start to get the credit they deserve.

• Better than Fador's win was watching David Hasselhoff sing live right before the winner was announced. It was, to put it mildly, brutal. Wonderfully brutal. What in the world do Germans see in The Hoff? I swear, though, if I was doing something where I needed a theme song, I sure as heck would be using that atrocious, yet spectacular, stuff.

• Back to football, and our league, for a moment, the official odds from Vegas have been posted as to who will win the 2nd season of the PPFFL. They are:

Kellogg Krushers 5:2

The Maestro 6:1

The Dominator 8:1

The Dragons 10:1

The Outlaws 12:1

The Bouncers 15:1

That's about all I have for this week. More updates will be added in the next couple of weeks as things of interest happen in the NFL, or in the world in general. Now, excuse me while I go watch the Giants blow another masterful performance by Matt Cain.

The Commish

PPFFL Draft 2007

The 2007 draft was held amid much fanfare yesterday and was witnessed by literally a few die hard fans of the PPFFL. The newest team in the league, The Bouncers, shocked the world when they pulled the slip of paper that held the key to the 1st pick in the draft. Conspiracy theorists are saying that Jack, who had been fiddling with the slips prior to the draw, palmed the slip, thereby cheating. A quick investigation showed this wasn't the case, and the draft proceeded without incident. The complete draft order was The Bouncers, The Outlaws (formerly The Spongebobs), The Dragons, The Maestro (formerly Plan Z), the Kellogg Krushers (formerly the Cyhawks), and The Dominator.

Following are the official rosters for each team, with commentary from NFL Draft expert Mel Kiper, Jr. The round in which each player was picked is in parenthesees.

The Bouncers
QB: Peyton Manning - Ind (1)
QB: Alex Smith - SF (8)
RB: Shaun Alexander - Sea (2)
RB: Marshawn Lynch - Buf (3)
RB: Ahman Green - Hou (13)
RB: Lorenzo Neal - SD (14)
WR: Marvin Harrison - Ind (4)
WR: TJ Houshmanzadeh - Cin (5)
WR: Donald Driver - GB (11)
WR: Isaac Bruce - StL (12)
TE: Jeremy Shockey - (6)
TE: Aaron Walker - StL (10)
D: Baltimore (7)
K: David Akers - Phi (9)

Mel says: Not a bad draft for a first time team run by kids who are all younger than 10... Grabbing Peyton Manning #1 was a no-brainer... Added some solid veteran talent with Harrison, Alexander, and Shockey...May have been a reach to take Lynch #3, but the kid has the potential to become a star...Does the #12 pick also come with a cane or a walker? Because it seems like Isaac Bruce may need it...Very puzzling use of the last pick to take Neal when Laurence Maroney, Travis Henry, and Cedric Benson were still on the board.

The Outlaws
QB: Carson Palmer - Cin (1)
QB: Tony Romo - Dal (4)
RB: Larry Johnson - KC (2)
RB: Willie Parker - Pit (3)
RB: Rudi Johnson - Cin (10)
RB: Chester Taylor - Min (14)
WR: Torry Holt - StL (5)
WR: Laveranues Coles - NYJ (6)
WR: Chris Chambers - Mia (12)
WR: Jericho Cotchery - NYJ (13)
TE: Ben Watson - NE (8)
TE: Eric Johnson - NO (9)
D: San Diego (7)
K: Steven Gostkowski - NE (11)

Mel says: Great draft in the backfield, with Palmer, and the Johnsons forming a solid nucleus...Wide receiver could be a question mark...Puzzled by the decision to draft 2 Jets receivers when they don't have a QB who can throw the ball outside the numbers...Aggressively took the Chargers defense in round 7...Who can criticize a team that takes Tony Romo? He's good for solid entertainment week in and week out for the whole season.

The Dragons
QB: Donovan McNabb - Phi (3)
QB: Phillip Rivers - SD (9)
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson - SD (1)
RB: Frank Gore - SF (2)
RB: Brian Westbrook - Phi (5)
RB: Marion Barber, III - Dal (10)
WR: Terrell Owens - Dal (4)
WR: Reggie Wayne - Ind (6)
WR: Jerry Porter - Oak (12)
WR: Marques Colston - NO (13)
TE: Vernon Davis - SF (8)
TE: Todd Heap - Bal (14)
D: Chicago (7)
K: Jason Elam - Den (11)

Mel says: Great move grabbing the '06 PPFFL MVP with the #3 pick...Looks like an overdraft of TO in the 4th...made up for it by absolutely stealing Colston in the 13th...Very savvy drafting of tight ends by the former tight end...Good thing for the rest of the owners that punters aren't involved...Questions will linger about the health of the 2 Eagles that were drafted early on...Someone put another cane on order, because it looks like Elam might need one, too.

The Maestro
QB: Drew Brees - NO (1)
QB: Tom Brady - NE (2)
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew - Jac (3)
RB: Adrian Peterson - Min (6)
RB: Joseph Addai - Ind (9)
RB: Jamal Lewis - Cle (12)
WR: Larry Fitzgerald - Ari (4)
WR: Randy Moss - NE (7)
WR: Darrell Jackson - SF (10)
WR: Lee Evans - Buf (13)
TE: Tony Gonzalez - KC (5)
TE: Jason Witten - Dal (11)
D: Buffalo (14)
K: Adam Vinatieri - Ind (8)

Mel says: I really like this draft...Nobody has better depth at QB...Not even this noted QB killer can jinx Brees and Brady, can he? Nice value pick getting Lewis in the 12th...Could be the steal of the draft if the Browns find 5 fat guys who can actually block...Randy Moss is poised to put up huge numbers and will be killed execution-style live on NBC if he so much as thinks about criticizing ultra-hot and can-do-no-wrong QB Tom Brady...Can Jones-Drew remain focused on football after already being inducted into the Fantasy Hall of Fame?

Kellogg Krushers
QB: Brett Favre - GB (4)
QB: Byron Leftwich - Jac (11)
RB: Steven Jackson - StL (1)
RB: Reggie Bush - NO (2)
RB: Ronnie Brown - Mia (9)
RB: Willis McGahee - Bal (13)
WR: Steve Smith - Car (3)
WR: Calvin Johnson - Det (5)
WR: Devin Hester - Chi (8)
WR: Javon Walker - Den (14)
TE: Greg Olsen - Chi (6)
TE: Dallas Clark - Ind (10)
D: Minnesota (12)
K: Nae Kaeding - SD (7)

Mel says: Definite Big 10 feel to this draft...Puzzling that the defending champ waited so long to take a QB in a league that was dominated by QBs last season...Byron Double Decker Sandwich needs to bounce back, like a tennis ball off of his stomach, in order for this draft to rank in the top half...McGahee is a steal in the 13th when you consider the crappiness of the Ravens' QBs...Might have been a reach taking Olsen in the 6th; after all, he's depending on Grossman to get him the ball...I love the Hester pick...He only has to depend on Grossman for about 1/3 of his touches...Wide receiver could be a problem if Smith loses a step, Johnson does what most Lion receivers do, Hester has punts kicked away from him, and Jay Cutler is closer to Boller than he is to Elway.

The Dominator
QB: Marc Bulger - StL (1)
QB: Matt Leinart - Ari (7)
RB: Edgerrin James - Ari (4)
RB: Clinton Portis - Was (6)
RB: Mike Bell - Den (10)
RB: Julius Jones - Dal (11)
WR: Chad Johnson - Cin (2)
WR: Anquan Boldin - Ari (5)
WR: Deion Branch - Sea (13)
WR: Hines Ward - Pit (14)
TE: Antonio Gates - SD (3)
TE: Kellen Winslow, Jr. - Cle (9)
D: Washington (12)
K: Neil Rackers - Ari (8)

Mel says: The jury is out on this one...Very impressed with the top of the draft, especially getting Ocho Cinco and Gates in the 2nd and 3rd...The Dominator obviously sees something in Mike Bell that not many others see, including Mike Shanahan...Puzzled by all of the Cardinals selected...Not usually a good sign...Washington has not been known for their stout defense lately...How will a team with a noted dead beat dad in Leinart, a guy who supports dog fighting in Portis, and an all around head case in Ocho Cinco do over the course of an NFL season? Can The Dominator stay near the top without #18 from the Colts putting up big numbers every week? As I said, the jury is out.


Well, that's it for the commentary and analysis from Mel. Mel, we can't stress enough how fortunate we are to be able to tap your vast knowledge of all things football. We look forward to possibly seeing you again during the course of the season. Now, please tell Sean Salisbury to calm down a little bit.

Before we wrap this up, a couple of interesting statistics to ponder:

• According to Yahoo Fantasy Sports, the highest ranked players not taken in our draft were Laurence Maroney (#10), Travis Henry (#13), Cedric Benson (#21), Thomas Jones (#29), Roy Williams (#33), Brandon Jacobs (#34), and Deuce McAllister (#37).
• The lowest rated players who were actually drafted are Minnesota's defense (#200, 12th round by the Kellogg Krushers), Greg Olsen (#210, 6th round by the Kellogg Krushers), Buffalo's defense (#213, 14th round by The Maestro), Steven Gostkowski (#215, 11th round by The Outlaws), Aaron Walker (#448, 10th round by The Bouncers), Washington's defense (#729, 12th round by The Dominator), and --SURPRISE!!!-- Lorenzo Neal (#743, 14th round by The Bouncers). In what may be a positive sign for Dave, the Dragons were the only team not to draft someone ranked below the top 200.

Well, men (and boys), that wraps up the draft coverage for 2007. Periodic updates on the league and news around the NFL can be found on this site as we count down the last couple of weeks before the pigskins are once again in the air in stadiums all around the country.

The Commish

A New Season

Well, gentlemen, we are on the precipice of another NFL season, so it is time to prepare for another raucous season of fantasy football. Last year was just the beginning for we polocks and our relatives. This year promises to be even bigger and better! That being said, here are some things to ponder as we work on scheduling the draft....

• Rumor has it there might be a couple of extra teams this season. Alex and Jack, in particular, are talking about running their own franchise. It sure was easy for them to second guess personnal decisions made last year, let's see how they do when they are on their own. My prediction: lots of yelling and threatening to kill each other.
• Jesse has apparently also expressed interest in being on his own this year. Maybe he could join forces with Alex and Jack and play the role of peacemaker. Kind of like Gene Michael acted as a mediator between Steinbrenner and Martin for the '77 Yankees.
• We are in negotiations with a group in Land Park about expanding into their territory.
• A meeting will have to be convened to decide how we will handle the upcoming draft. As I see it, we have the following options: Start from scratch, pull numbers for draft order, and draft like we did last season; OR, agree on a number of players to keep (either 2 or 3) from last season, and then draft in inverse order of finish, with the potential expansion teams drafting at the beginning of Rounds 1 and 2, then in the middle of each subsequent round. We can make the decision based on a vote of the 5 participating teams last year, majority rule.

Now, to some things from actual football teams:

• I think we all agree the biggest story of the offseason was Ron Mexico's indictment on dog fighting charges (narrowly beating out Tom Brady knocking up a Hollywood skank, then immediately leaving her for another...SURPRISE...Hollywood skank). This development means that Plan Z has one fewer marquee QB they can put their hex on this season. It also means that I would never want to grab the last pack of Oreos just before Ookie's momma on buy-one-get-one-free day at the Piggly Wiggly. If her DNA was enough to corrupt both Mike and Marcus, then I would hate to get on her bad side.
• Joey Porter's summer time beatdown of some player I can't recall happened at none other than the Palms. How far have the Maloofs fallen in the past 12-18 months? Let's see, the Palms has gone from hosting every conceivable party and hip TV show in Vegas to an underwhelming opening for Hef's new club and being the home of a TV show hosted by Jenny McCarthy (Bob and The Dominator just read that and said, "Who?" To that, I say, "Exactly."). Now, NFL players are going there to physically settle their grievances in the offseason. That place is turning into the Rio Linda of Sin City.
• In case you missed it, OJ Simpson recently had a live internet Q&A where one of the questions was, I kid you not, "What was more difficult: running for 2,000 yards in one season, or cutting the heads off of two people?" Orenthal's response: "I seem to be having difficulty hearing the questions right now." Kind of like Nicole and Ron are having a hard time hearing ANYTHING right now.
• Not to slight the Silver and Black, but can anyone name the last team that drafted #1 who didn't agree to contract terms with their pick before his name was called by the commissioner (not me, the guy who is currently busy suspending every thug and punk in the league, much to the delight of most of America)? Come on, Al! It's not like you guys haven't drafted in the top 5 recently. How can you draft a guy #1, a QB who you want to immediately take over the offense, and not have a deal done on the eve of the draft? Everyone does it these days. Did you really think the Texans felt Mario Williams was a better player than Reggie Bush? Wait a minute, looking at your recent drafts, you probably thought Mario was better, too. Anyway, the point is this: wearing white sweatsuits, slicking back your hair, talking about the Committment to Excellence, hiring the 1,098th guy on your list of potential coaches, and signing a bunch of malcontents doesn't make you successful anymore. It makes you a franchise that should be looking to move its training camp to the Palms.
• ESPN has replaced Joe Theismann with Ron Jaworski in the booth for Monday Night Football. How will Jaws do when being forced to interview third-rate celebrities like the homo from "Gray's Anatomy" and the wacky neighbor on "According to Jim"? I guess time will tell.
• Sorry about the homo reference. I'm not trying to stoop to the level of the militant black guy from "Gray's Anatomy", I just don't know the guy's name and didn't feel like looking it up.
• It was mentioned awhile ago in the major Sacramento newspaper that Onterrio Smith is interested in seeking reinstatement to the league. He thinks his drug problems are behind him and that he can be one of the top backs in football. I'm not sure a lot of people are in agreement on that one. In related news, Roy Tarpley, at age 42, is trying to find just one basketball league on the planet earth that will allow him to play. Here's a prediction you can take to the bank: In 10 years, Onterrio Smith will be in Del Paso Heights talking about how he feels like he can still contribute to an NFL team if the commissioner will just see the light and lift his lifetime ban. While giving the interview, a 275 pound Onterrio will take numerous breaks to have secret conversations on his cell phone, and will disappear behind an old warehouse on numerous occasions and come back looking incredibly more energetic than he was when he left.

That's about all I have for today. It isn't much, but I am still in training camp, too. I will be in shape and be bringing it strong before you know it. In fact, beginning next week, I will go through each division in the NFL and provide analysis, including all of the personnel changes and positional battles, with a prediction for what each team will do in '07.

Just kidding. I'll probably just do what I always do. Updates will be posted as we get information on the draft, or funny stuff pops up that I feel a need to share.

In closing, today is the 30th birthday of previously aforementioned Hollywood skank banger Tom Brady. Give the day it's due and don't forget the following: Nobody is better at driving his team to game winning 50 yard FGs than Tom Brady; Nobody is better at leading a team nobody gives respect to than Tom Brady; Only Tom Brady is intelligent and football savvy enough to lead a team coached by uber genius Bill Belichick; AND, Nobody has received more nude self portraits of Bill Simmons than Tom Brady (that one's for you, Ang).

Don't take any wooden nickels....

The Commish