Tuesday Review v3.5Last night's collision between the Vikings and Saints was a wacky ending to what had shaped up to be a very ordinary week in the PPFFL. The biggest beneficiaries last night were
The Dragons, who benefitted from the two punt return TDs by Reggie Bush, and
The Dominator, who got points from the Minnesota defense for odd things like blocked kicks being returned for TDs. Even with all of the craziness last night, the order of the standings is nearly identical to last week, with the only exceptions being
The Dragons breaking their near tie with
The Dominator and
The Maestro overtaking
Team STY for the honor of being in 5th place.
(Production note: With all of the hype and hoopla [and, frankly crap], surrounding the "most important election of our lives" [wait, wasn't that 4 years ago?], this week's team summaries will be written with comparisons to presidential candidates of the past 30 or so years. I tried to get Dick Stockton to come in and provide guest commentary, but he wouldn't budge when I told him he would have to skip reruns of "The People's Court" and his daily snack of applesauce and ginger snaps to be here....so you're stuck [or, maybe blessed] with my witty takes on the people who have had the gumption and unlimited financial resources to run for the highest office in the land.)Official Standings (Week 5):Gnomies 577.18 (97.38)Cyclones 561.32 (98.40)The Dragons 559.24 (121.95)The Dominator 531.24 (92.74)The Maestro 515.57 (109.29)Team STY 491.76 (77.92)The Outlaws 442.93 (105.62)This week provided little suspense when it came to the winner of the "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award.
The Outlaws, citing legitimate injury concerns, sat Aaron Rodgers (44.46) this week and watched Dunnavunn McNabb (14.92) have a week that was highly forgettable. I'm sure the main question filtering though the household of
The Outlaws on Sunday was, "Do the Eagles get to play the Rams again any time soon?"
Our first team summary for the week brings with it a question about which recent Presidential candidate should be compared to the
Gnomies. Obviously it would have to be someone young, inexperienced in the ways of executive politics, and, if you've been around my house the last couple of Sundays, slightly annoying with the over the top exuberance every time Heath Miller (13.25) catches a 5 yard pass. Sensing that more than a few of us will be irritated if these guys win the league title, we'll compare them to the current shooting star,
Barry Obama. Much like Barry, their faults don't seem to hurt them, as their QB (Phillip Rivers [14.68]) and franchise player (Adrian Peterson [3.05]) were less than pedestrian this week. They stayed out in front, though, due to the performances of T.J. Houshmanzadeh (23.25), Steve Slaton (17.80) and Greg Jennings (14.35). And, with Houshmanzadeh on the team, the
Gnomies also have great appeal among radical Muslims worldwide (rimshot, please!).
When
Bill Clinton came on the scene, he seemed like and "Aw, Shucks" kind of guy that we could all identify with. The same can probably be said right now about the
Cyclones, who are putting up a string of solid weeks while acting like they're just getting lucky (at least, that's what Jack keeps saying). Drew Brees (25.90), Larry Fitzgerald (21.60), and Frank Gore (13.90) continued to lead the team, helped greatly by the Chicago defense (18.00), who had the pleasure of facing the Detroit Tabby Cats on Sunday. If this team follows the career arc of Billy Jeff, they will win a league title, while making the rest of us feel good about ourselves even though we're losing. A couple of years from now, though, we'll find out that every time Jack, Will, and Brady came over to our houses, they were eating all of our popsicles, beef jerky, and Jolly Ranchers. When we confront them about this, they'll initially deny it, then argue with us over whether they really actually did it. In discussing the popsicles and Jolly Ranchers, they'll argue that they didn't really "eat" that stuff, so much as suck on it and let it dissolve. Looking further down the road, if we're still doing this when these guys get into high school, their girlfriends will be calling all of the shots for their team and will have every other owner in the league wanting to strangle them.
The Dragons shot back into third place on chants of REG-GIE! REG-GIE! REG-GIE! Reggie Bush (33.45) was tremendous last night and has possibly learned that excessive showboating is something that a budding star should avoid. Strong and silent is the way to go when looking to appease the Football Gods, much like the owner of this franchise and the candidate we'll compare him to,
Bob Dole. This team is currently being carried by a humble, spiritual person in Kurt Warner (46.00). That's the kind of guy Sen. Dole would be looking for if he were to start a team. On the other end of the spectrum, though, he would likely look to avoid prima donnas like Randy Moss (19.65), Terrell Owens (11.75), and Larry Johnson (0.10), who in seven days has gone from being the odds on favorite for the PPFFL Comeback Player of the Year to being the favorite to win the "Antwaan Randle-El Award for Total Suckitude". In comapring this team to former Sen. Dole, the similarities don't end with the personalities of Dave and the former candidate. Circumstances leading to defeat also factor in. Last season for
The Dragons was great, with the late season push to finish in second place something that shouldn't be diminished. Unfortunatley, it went largely unnoticed because of the boat race
The Maestro laid upon the rest of the league. Bob Dole, meanwhile, got to run for President at the end of Clinton's first term which had gone very well and preceded all of the lying and market manipulation that led to Bubba leaving office on less than gracious terms. Bob Dole had no chance, not matter how qualified he was to lead the country, just like
The Dragons had no chance to win the PPFFL last year after Bill Belichick decided to embarrass the whole league and Randy Moss decided to play hard every week.
Sitting in the middle of the pack is
The Dominator, who is eerily similar to George H.W. Bush. The elder Bush had great public support during his presidency, especially as his term was coming to a close. The way he rolled over Saddam in the first Gulf War had people all over the country spontaneuosly singing Lee Greenwood songs and wearing Zubies with an American Flag pattern. Similarly,
The Dominator was rolling over everyone else in Season 1, teaching us all a lesson in what it's like to run a fake football team. Then, in one regrettable moment, he told us he would play his "J.V." team for a week so we all would feel like we had a chance. The rest of that season went down the tubes, and the season and a quarter since then haven't exactly been stellar. For H.W., the regrettable moment was telling everyone, "Read my lips, no new taxes!" Sure, there won't be new taxes, I'll just raise the old ones! Predictably, he lost his reelection bid, then was doomed to watch his offspring become arguably the least popular President in history. In this season's Week 5,
The Dominator got a pretty ordinary week from Jay Cutler (28.84), another solid week from favorite Clinton Portis (18.90), a great kicking week from Shayne Graham (12.00), and a spectacular week from the Minnesota defense (17.00). Otherwise, it was higher tax-like performances for him from Tony Gonzalez (3.85), James Jones (1.45) and Santana Moss (DNP).
The Maestro moved up a place in the standings due to a bizarre 4th quarter from the currently perplexing Peyton Manning (35.84). Until Sage Rosenfels started turing the ball over like Steve DeBerg, Manning was having another weak game, at least by the standard he has set over the last decade. Jason Witten (17.95) and Ronnie Brown (16.65) put up good numbers as Witten benefitted from Tony Romo deciding to throw the ball to someone besides T.O. and Brown benefitted from the Dolphins continuing to run a high school offense that the two participants in last season's AFC Championship game couldn't figure out how to stop. This team is akin to
Ronald Reagan, who won the 1984 election in such runaway fashion that it has been said Secretariat was a little emarrassed by the rout. That's what the 2007 PPFFL season was like. And, like Reagan post 1984,
The Maestro seems to have forgotten a little about how this is done. Starting with the 2008 draft and Week 3 (where Ronnie Brown was on his bench behind future Hall of Famer Chris Johnson), it is debatable whether he has even been awake most of the time. Maybe there's time for a turnaround, though. Remember, at the end of his Presidency, Reagan intimidated the Soviet Union and broke up the Iron Curtain. In a week or two, echoing around the halls on Banff Vista Drive, you might hear the words, "Jack Zalasky, trade me Drew Brees for J.T. O'Sullivan!" Just like, back in the late 80's in West Berlin we heard the historic words, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall!"
Team STY falls back another place this week after one of the worst weeks they've ever had. Tony Romo (27.37) is still trying to figure out how to handle a tempermental, selfish, overbearing nitwit while doing what's best for the team. If that's what he goes through at home with Jessica Simpson, think of how miserable it is when he sees T.O. at the stadium. Reggie Wayne (17.85) had a good week that included one of the most understated great catches of all time. The rest of the team, though, was, shall we say, BLAH. Marion Barber III (6.60), Selvin Young (2.95) and Antonio Gates (1.60) combined to be less than a Shayne Graham. It was tough to find a candidate to compare to this team. Who in the political world has been to the summit, waged a titanic battle but come up short, then ended up scuffling near the bottom amid bickering? How about
Al Gore? He spent 8 years in the White House (in the small office) and was locked in a titanic battle with W for control of the free world. Some would even say he won (although, there was no controversy over the title the
Cyhawks posted in Season 1). After that defeat, Al kind of went in the tank, got fat, grew a beard, and became the butt of jokes for everyone from Jay Leno to Dave Chappelle. There's hope for
Team STY, though. Al took a big storm and a warmer than usual summer and turned it into the financial windfall of what had already been an overwhelmingly wealthy life: Global Warming. Who's the fat, bearded buffoon, now? Al's back on top of the world, and he doesn't have to worry about being criticized all the time. Much like it would be if
Team STY were to come back and win another title. How could the rest of us be bitter? They already beat us once.
Jimmy Carter has sympathy for
The Outlaws. The intentions are good and the results are sometimes fantastic, but every once in awhile you look up and it seems like people are lined up for three miles waiting to get gas. Much like Carter, when there is success for this team, it is very promising. The setbacks, however, are akin to the 1977 New York blackout and the Iranian hostage crisis. This season is a great example. Week 1 was a disaster, but was followed by great progress in Weeks 2 and 3. Just as the morale was improving, a bad Week 4 followed. Let's not give up, though, because Week 5 was pretty good. Chris Cooley (22.45) had the season's best week for a TE, and Brandon Jacobs (23.25) ran wild against the Seahawks. Matt Forte (19.05) joined the "Put up big stats against lame teams" Party as he punished the Cowardly Lions. And, just think how things would be if Rodgers had been started in place of McNabb. That's right, this team would be less than 20 points away from vacating the cellar. Just like if Carter would have done something besides boycott Olympics he might be seen as something other than a pansy that got kicked around by every world leader, including those from countries nobody previously knew existed.
Notes:- Get your transaction orders submitted, blah, blah, blah.
- My big MLB prediction is that the Red Sox and Dodgers will be facing off in the World Series. Following the NBA Finals, America really needs another Boston/LA battle for a major sports championship. As if the rest of us needed to sit through another battle of bandwagon jumpers.
- Those Detroit Lions really pulled together and showed some pride in the wake of Matt Millen's firing.
- No hate for Keith Olbermann this week, because I missed Football Night in America. I was working on getting some "Free Dan Patrick" signs and T-shirts printed up.
- I also missed Stu, Steve, and Emmitt recap the wackiness that was Week 5's Monday night. Can anyone tell me if the magic trio were better than watching Misty May rupture her Achilles tendon?
That's all for this week. Do great things, gentlemen (and gentle-boys).
The Commish
