Tuesday Review v4.16

It's been awhile, gentlemen and for that I apologize. Nearly a month has passed since the last information was posted on this fake football site, but that doesn't mean you all haven't been in the thoughts of those slaving away in the league office. The time has come, though, to get back to posting on the things happening in our league, the NFL, and sports as a whole.

Fortunately for me, and unfortunately for some of you, the standings have changed very little, if at all, since the last time anything was posted publicly. It is a very real possibility that we will be having our first two time league champion, and back-to-back champions, at that. The Cyclones have made a strong December push and have all but assured themselves another PPFFL championship. There will be some drama in Week 17 as to who will finish in what places behind them, as The Maestro is on the heels of The Big Ragu in the chase for 2nd place; Team STY and The Outlaws are battling for 4th place; and The Dragons are drawing a bead on the Gnomies in their quest to rise out of the cellar before the season ends.

Official Standings:
Cyclones 1,927.79
The Big Ragu 1,860.44
The Maestro 1,837.74
Team STY 1,688.20
The Outlaws 1,679.10
The Dominator 1,648.44
Gnomies 1,463.92
The Dragons 1,423.17

The "I Sure Wish I Played That Guy" Award for the past few weeks goes to everyone in the league. Since the last time information was posted here, Brandon Marshall has gone berzerk, in a good way, including his 21 reception game against the Colts. He accomplished that while being on the roster of....nobody. Granted, the guy went berzerk in a bad way during training camp and got suspended. Still, once he returned he was the receiver of choice for Kyle Orton, particularly on that day in Indy. For such astute running of your fake teams (myself included), the "ISWIWHPTG" Award for December collectively goes to all of us. We should be really proud of ourselves.

The Cyclones have positioned themselves to be our first two-time and repeat champions on the arm of Peyton Manning, the last pick in the first round of our draft in August. The Colts run toward an undefeated season was just the tonic to keep Peyton on the field and putting up stats to help the owners of the fake teams he is on. Enter Colts management and coach Jim Caldwell to put a damper on the run to finish 19-0. They laid down in the second half in Week 16 against the Jets (of all teams) and took the gas pipe for the first time all season. Caldwell explained that he didn't want any of his key players, in particular Manning, to get hurt, as well as give them a little time off so they can be fresh for the playoffs. Really? Manning hasn't suffered a significant injury his whole career (his o-linemen rarely allow him to be hit). As for time off, the week off while the wild card games are played isn't enough? Caldwell better watch out, because his players might be complaining about not getting enough work down the stretch of the season after they lose at home in the playoffs.

The PPFFL Newcomer of the Year is going to be The Big Ragu. He will edge out......nobody for this award, since he's the only newcomer this season. It was a big year for him, though, as the Patriot offense bolstered him while also disappointing him. The Pats weren't as potent as they were when they were stealing defensive signals from all of their opponents, but they were still tough to stop. Much discussion has ensued about the "inconsistency" of Tom Brady. Some think he may have lost his touch a little. Some think the absence of a solid running game has hurt. Some point to Randy Moss and his tanking plays as the problem. And, some argue that coming back from major knee surgery takes more than a year and that Brady should be back to his record setting ways next season. I say that the schedule, and the AFC East in particular, has finally caught up to the Patriots. Their division used to be the worst in the league, as the Jets, Dolphins, and Bills all were at some point during the '00s one of the worst teams in the league. There have been years when two of them have danced with the dregs of the league. Not so this season, as the Jets and Fish have both been respectable. The rest of the schedule has also caught up with New England. Early in the century, they played four consecutive regular season games against Indianapolis, all victories. That trend has shifted, as Indy has hosted most of their games as of late and has won four straight. The only season they haven't beaten the Pats recently? The 2007 season, when the Patriots went undefeated and the teams didn't play.

The Maestro has been pretty consistent all season, and has an outside chance to finish in second place for the second year in a row. Aaron Rodgers has emerged as an elite QB in the NFL, carrying his real team into the playoffs for the first time since Our Favre threw away the 2008 NFC Champinship game on the frozen tundra against the Giants. Wes Welker has also been a mainstay on this fake team, as his 122 catches in 13 games have been astounding. With all of those grabs, though, he has only scored 4 touchdowns. What can this be attributed to? My guess is the neverending quest to keep Randy Moss from melting down and doing something he, the Patriots, Roger Goodell, and traffic cops everywhere will regret. You see, catches that keep drives alive and gain tough yardage aren't attention getters. Touchdowns, though, are what makes everybody jump to their feet and praise the football gods for granting them such great fortune. To keep Randy pacified, Tom Brady makes sure he looks his way in the red zone. Affording Randy a "Look at Me!" moment or two each week keeps him happy, while Welker does all of the hard work and keeps the offense humming (while Randy oftentimes quits on routes and refuses to go over the middle).

Battling to finish in the top half of the league standings is Team STY. Drew Brees has carried the load all season long, even through the struggles of the last two weeks. The loss to Dallas was something that could have been predicted. A team that isn't used to such success late into the season walked into the house of a good team that had been beaten down for a whole week over one loss. The Cowboys came out motivated and basically dominated the game. Many expected the Saints to bounce back, especially against the Bucs, who had barely been better than the Rams all season. The Saints jumped out to an early 17-0 lead, but obviously let up as they let the Bucs score the last 20 points of the game (thanks mostly to Garrett Hartley honking a chip shot at the end of regulation). Sean Payton better right the ship heading into the playoffs, because the best season in Saints history will quickly be buried under a wave of criticism if they don't at least host the NFC Championship game.

The St. Louis Browns of our league (look them up sometime for reference) are having a season to remember, and might even finish in the first division. The Outlaws have shaken off three seasons of frustration to make a run at levels heretofore unknown to them. It has been an effort punctuated by stability and togetherness. A franchise that was once eager to add every player who had a good week (see also: Browns, St. Louis), is now seeing the fruits of draftng a team and sticking with it for the long haul. No more "Larry Johnson Express" for these guys. The ageless Kurt Warner (surprise - a QB is leading the way) has been the leader of this team all season. Unfortunately for his fake team, he will likely be used sparingly in Week 17, as the Cardinals' fate has already been sealed. With Warner being a tad bit injury prone, coach Whisenhunt will likely sit him early in the season finale. They're playing the inconsistent defense of Green Bay, though, so a 300-yard, 4 TD first half is not out of the question for the pride of Northern Iowa and the Hy-Vee.

Making their own run at the first division is The Dominator. He's been lying in obscurity most of the season, stuck in the middle of the standings, but has recently started to close the gap on the teams in front of him. Obscure is the key word, as Matt Schaub, the most obscure of all top QBs has been leading the way. Let's face it, when you're playing for a team who is the reincarnate of a team that played in another city, and has uniforms that look like they belong in the Arena League, you're going to be obscured a bit from the rest of the league. Week 17 really looks to be a battle royal between this team and the two directly in front, as only 40 points separate them. With the uncertainty surrounding how much playing time the key guys on solid playoff teams will receive, anything can happen. Meaning, our fake season has come down to trying to generate interest over which team is going to finish in 4th place. Well done, gentlemen.

The leaders at the end of Week 1 are now trying to avoid finishing in last place. The Gnomies have fallen about as far as you can over the course of a season. This team has epitomized the fact that every league needs someone who looks good on paper, but fails to deliver on the field. Or, on the computer, as is our case. Whatever the case, top pick Adrian Peterson has performed well below expectations, even with the solid numbers he's putting up. The forays into the end zone just haven't been as frequent as expected and his penchant for putting the ball on the turf has been more prevelant this year than it was last. Credit the former to Our Favre, who likes to gunsling in the red zone instead of ramming the ball right at the defense with the best (arguably) back in football. Cut him some slack, though. He's closing in on 500 career TD passes. If he really does burn bridges with Brad Childress this season and isn't welcomed back in Minnesota, he'll need some impressive stats to show prospective employers that he can still get it done. How else will he reach such a magical number?

Trying desperately to remove themselves from the cellar are The Dragons. A late season surge has at least brought them to within striking distance of 7th place. Forty points is tough to make up in any week, but Week 17 carries with it a lot of uncertainty, so it can be done. The negative tone was set early for this team, as mainstay Brian Westbrook was knocked out early and often during the season. The rest of the team staggered through weeks like they were all nursing concussions. Dunnavunn McNabb did everything he could to help his fake team, but with only DeSean Jackson to help him stretch the defense, the Eagles relied on a quick score, then let the defense hold on strategy most of the season. That doesn't always bode well for fake teams, who need their QBs to throw a lot and put up big numbers. The Eagles are playing Dallas for the NFC East title this weekend, so there is a solid chance that Dunnavunn will be airing it out early and often, especially if Tony Romo keeps playing well and putting points on the board for Dallas. Watch out, though, for attractive blondes wearing pink Romo jerseys to the game. If there are too many of them, Tony's attention will likely be diverted to the stands and the Eagles will knock Dallas out early, as they did in last season's 44-6 shellacking. That was the game after which Romo allegedly collapsed in the shower and T.O. burst into tears during his postgame interview. Fortunately, he was wearing his Lazy Town rain gear, keeping his expensive threads underneath safe from the torrent of tears.

Notes:

• Many congrats to SeaBass for booting the 61 yarder at the end of the first half in Oakland's game in Cleveland. In a decade short on highlights (with the exception of the 2002 Super Bowl team), SeaBass and Shane Lechler have given Raider fans something to be proud of. If your team's offense is going to lead to close to a dozen punts each week and its best scoring opportunities will be field goal attempts in excess of 45 yards, it's comforting to know you have the best punter of all time and one of football's best kickers.
• Now, if only Tom Cable would let SeaBass have a shot at a 70-yarder early in the season in Denver or anytime in a dome. He's the guy who is currently the most capable of shattering that barrier.
• Peaches Napear is becoming a running joke among the anchors on ESPN for his outlandish outbursts whenever the Kings do something well. His orders to sell tickets on air seems to have led to even more spastic outbursts this season, even if you account for the increased success of the team and their penchant for playing exciting, down to the wire games. Peaches was most mocked for his screaming about Tyreke Evans' game winning shot in Milwaukee. The reaction didn't much match the atmosphere in the arena, where the place was less than half full and those in attendance were rueing the fact that the game was almost over and they would soon be trudging to their cars in -34 degree wind chill.
• Hand it to Peaches, though, for landing a substitute gig on Jim Rome's radio show. He really punked Jim Caldwell for his decision to sit his starters midway through the 3rd quarter against the Jets. Too bad he knows little about anything besides what happened during the previous 24 hours, the Kings, and New York Giants football. It didn't matter, though, because once the typical idiots who usually call Rome's show heard there was a sub behind the mic, they all turned off the radio and went back to coloring in their coloring books.
• Sticking with Sacramento radio personalities, Mike Lamb's Sunday football show for Fox Sports Radio is now broadcast on KHTK. For a couple of weeks, I was under the impression he was doing the show for KHTK, as his co-host sounded just like the other young, moronic, dips that fill in during down time on the station (and that's not including the captain of the morons, the mush-mouthed Carmichael Dave). I realized the show was broadcast from the Southland when the eye-candy traffic/news chick (maybe the show is simulcast on TV somewhere - in which case the lighting much be set up just right to keep Lamb's immense shadow from obscuing everyone) came on to talk about Christmas plans with her family. Anyway, Lamb, being the guy that he is, doesn't stray from saying a bunch of stuff that means nothing, while maintaining the innate ability to argue with himself....without pausing to begin another sentence.
• If you don't like this, you don't like fake football reviews written for fewer than 10 people to read! Sorry, Peaches can be contagious....like polio, SARS, or H1N1.
• To all of you Laker fans out there, particularly those who bought tickets to last Saturday's Kings/Lakers game at Arco: you have passed Boston fans in the lead to be the most obnoxious in all American sports. Once Kobe's skills recede, assuming the commissioner doesn't force other teams to follow the NBA's unwritten rules and trade their stars to LA for nothing in return, you'll probably feel a little guilt when you hop off of the Laker bandwagon and start rooting for whoever is atop the league. Or, maybe you'll lose interest in basketball and simply go back to filling up your cases of coloring books.

That's all for this week. A full review of the season will follow at some point following the action of Week 17, wherein our league champion will officially be crowned.

Do great things.....

The Commish

Tuesday Review v4.12

An exciting holiday week in the NFL brought us some excitement in our fake league as the Cyclones made a push back toward the top spot held for a couple of weeks now by The Big Ragu. Although there was no change in the standings, there was some drama, as The Dragons made a huge move to get out of last place. Where they were once at Plutonian depths behind everyone else, they have now closed to within striking distance of the Gnomies and seventh place.

Official Standings (Week 12):
The Big Ragu 1,490.62 (96.59)
Cyclones 1,468.49 (119.08)
The Maestro 1,377.98 (111.41)
Team STY 1,300.53 (112.92)
The Outlaws 1,275.52 (109.94)
The Dominator 1,226.20 (99.99)
Gnomies 1,128.90 (62.65)
The Dragons 1,061.40 (115.04)

The week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award goes to the Gnomies, who had, by far, the worst week. Scanning their roster, they really didn't have anyone on the bench who would have contributed much more than the scrubs that they played did. For that reason, they get the award for not trading for or picking up other players who are better than the weak ones they currently call their own. Congratulations, guys!

Our leader saw his cushion become a little thinner. Instead of lounging on a comfy couch, The Big Ragu is now sitting on a thin stadium pad atop an aluminum bench. Mega-hunky, superstar QB Tom Brady (14.34) was pantsed on Monday Night Football by the Saints, partially due to, as Jaws commented during the second half, "Randy Moss has completely given up on this game. He obviously doesn't feel like playing hard." Meter maids in the Boston metro area beware! Randy starts looking for human hood ornaments when he gets depressed. Fortunately, this fake team has the feature receiver for the team doing the pantsing on MNF, so Marques Colston (19.05) picked up some of the slack Randy was trying to wrap around Brady's neck.

The Cyclones showed some holiday spunk, behind Peyton Manning (41.78) and Chris Johnson (21.30). Manning is saving his heroics for the second half, after the Colts fall behind. It's like they've decided to challenge themselves a little bit and see how far they can fall behind before roaring back to win. They're probably a little embarrassed after seeing how the Pats got trounced in New Orleans. A 17-point comeback in the 4th quarter isn't as impressive as totally romping over the team followed by the most front-runners....at least not in the opinion of this office. Cheers go out to Matt Prater (15.00), who had a big game for a kicker and singlehandedly took some heat off of the Broncos. Or, did the weak, disinterested Giants, led by Eli and rooted for most feverishly by Peaches, take the heat off of Denver?

Hanging around, hoping for a miracle week to boost him toward contention for the league lead, is The Maestro. If only all of his players could face the Lions on Thansgiving Day! Aaron Rodgers (48.70) torched the tabbys on one of America's (and, the United States, too) most cherished holidays, joining a long list of players who have racked up big numbers in Detroit on the 4th Thursday in November. Frank Gore (15.33) isn't racking up big rushing numbers now that Jimmy Raye has gone to the spread, but he's getting the ball through the air near the end zone. And, Roddy White (13.85) was really missing Matt Ryan, until the last desperate drive for the Falcons, when Chris Redman suddenly figured out how to throw the ball where the team's best receiver could get his hands on it.

Bouncing back from a gory Week 11 was Team STY. Drew Brees (55.87) played a perfect game (according to QB rating) on Monday night. He was most supported on this fake team by (SURPRISE!) the Green Bay defense (22.00) that got to feast on one-armed Matt Stafford and the Lions. Greatly chagrined was Detroit backup QB Daunte Culpepper, who felt that he should have played. Seriously, does anyone think the result would have been different had Daunte played? Realistically, he might have only thrown three interceptions instead of four. But, there would have been a better chance of the Packers scoring on more than one of them, because his ice cream guzzling butt wouldn't be chasing anyone down. Had Daunte not had the two career years in Minnesota with Randy Moss and Chris Carter, people would be calling JaMarcus Russell the second coming of Daunte Culpepper....and meaning it as an insult.

Stuck in the middle for yet another week are The Outlaws. We've reached the point in the season where teams in this part of the standings, this far out of first place, are like asteroids circling in the void between Mars and Jupiter. We know they are there, but they don't make us think about them unless something way out of the ordinary happens. Fittingly, Alex Smith (37.04) took snaps for them in Week 12. For the teams at the top to get bonked by an asteroid or two, this team needs the rest of the squad to play like Antonio Gates (27.90) did against Kansas City. You know, speaking of asteroids, this might be a good time for one to slam right into the center of Missouri. A few innocent people might perish, but they'll probably be glad they won't have to watch the state's NFL teams play anymore.

Missing the 100 point threshhold for the week by the tiniest of margins was The Dominator. Phillip Rivers (39.04) got a Missouri special, meaning he got to run up nice numbers in the 1st half before having to hand off for the rest of the game. The rest of the team was okay, but not great, with the exception of David Akers (14.00) who had a great week for a kicker. These guys need to put together a big week soon, otherwise it will be another second division finish. Man, who knew how angry the fake football gods would get when these guys trotted out their JV team in a show of vanity during Week 10 of season 1? They need to offer some sort of sacrifice to the fake football gods soon. Too bad the advice of Andy Rooney wasn't taken, because lopping the head off of a turkey might have been enough appeasement to get this team back on track.

Barely treading water are the Gnomies. This team has struggled big time lately, as guys like Adrian Peterson (11.15) fail to live up to expectations. It didn't help that Matt Ryan (1.80) got knocked silly early in his game. What's funny about this team is that one of it's chief decision makers, Alex, is crushing the competition in another league. I wonder how Jesse feels about this. Maybe, Alex isn't spending enough time with this team. Or, maybe the competition in the PPFFL is just miles beyond what can be found in some other league. I subscribe to the latter. I mean, it's not like we ever let good, quality players fall too far in the draft or not get drafted.

Looking to rise from the abyss are The Dragons. This team is making a major late season push behind America, or as we mere mortals like to call him, Brett Favre (52.84). How fitting that, on the weekend of one of our country's most cherished holidays, the man we equate to the excellence of our nation had such a great game. Brett Favre is America and Brett Favre is all of us. The fact that he has the Vikings sailing along at 10-1 is amazing in itself. Throw in the fact (no pun intended) that he's only chucked up three picks so far this season, and you have a real story. What happened to the reckless guy who liked to throw the ball up for grabs while "trying to make a play"? Maybe those running our country can take Favre's lead and rejuvenate this great nation of ours. Or, at least make sure that we Americans get to play most of our tough games indoors on a plush carpet.

Notes:

• I haven't written it in awhile, so in case you've been missing it, Keith Olbermann is a snotty, pretentious, smug fool who needs someone like Rodney Harrison to beat him an inch from his life on national TV. Then we can turn Rodney loose on Stu Scott.
• To those who thought the Raiders were included on the Thanksgiving Day schedule as a means to humiliate them in front of the whole country and many parts of the world: the Raiders didn't need that game in Dallas to experience humiliation. Although, getting drubbed by a team who had scored as frequently as a lifetime Trekkie the two games previous is pretty humiliating.
• Baseball's Winter Meetings are fast approaching, meaning Giants GM Brian Sabean is preparing a list of free agents to pursue. The PPFFL league office has obtained a copy of that list (hey, we love baseball here, too). Topping it are the following names: Roger Maris, Nap Lajoie, Frank Baker, and Joe Charbonneau. Sabean apparently was listening to all of the people who thought a dead guy could produce more that Aaron Rowand, Edgar Renteria, and Randy Winn did last season.
• The New Jersey Nets achieved the worst start in NBA history last night, moving to 0-18 with a loss to the Mavericks. Well done, gentlemen, well done.
• The review wouldn't be complete without a Peaches reference, so here goes. Rumors that he will be appearing in the 2010 Kings dancer calender are untrue. Even though he's the world's biggest cheerleader for the Maloofs and Kings, Gavin Maloof refuted all rumors that he will be in the calendar. Which is good, because one hideously ugly redhead (if you've seen the ugly redheaded Kings dancer, then you know what I mean) in a calendar is plenty.

That's all for this week. Do great things and don't take any wooden nickels.

The Commish

Tuesday Review v4.11

It's Tuesday and we are actually going to have a review of the week that was in the NFL and PPFFL for you! It's been awhile, and the league office apologizes with profusion. Let's hope that this is a sign of greater things to come with regard to the postings on this fake football website.

The Big Ragu extended his lead this week with another strong showing, while The Maestro and The Dominator made aggressive moves toward 2nd place and 5th place, respectively. Team STY really struggled and, speaking of struggling, I would be remiss to not mention how The Dragons burst through the 100 point barrier (118.20) in Week 10. My sincere apologies for not writing a review for that week.

Official Standings (Week 11):
The Big Ragu 1,394.03 (129.15)
Cyclones 1,349.41 (104.13)
The Maestro 1,266.57 (140.23)
Team STY 1,187.61 (71.69)
The Outlaws 1,175.58 (101.21)
The Dominator 1,126.21 (138.50)
Cyclones 1,066.25 (95.76)
The Dragons 946.36 (93.98)

It was a bit of a weird week in the NFL (like most weeks aren't), leading to some intense competition for this week's "I Sure Wish I Would Have Played That Guy" Award. For instance, Team STY sat out T.O. (27.85) on the best day he's had all season and instead played Braylon Edwards (1.50), who hasn't done squat since punching out LeBron's personal secretary. Okay, Braylon hasn't really done squat since he joined the NFL. Also kicking himself for not playing the correct wide receiver was The Maestro, who sat Calvin Johnson (24.03) while playing Roddy White (6.25). Those mistakes with the lineup paled in comparison, though, to the one made by the Cyclones. They started Peyton Manning (25.43) against Baltimore's stout defense, while sitting Ben Roethlisberger (52.16) against the pourous defense of the Chiefs. For that, the young guys receive this week's ISWIWHPTGA.

The Big Ragu built on his lead, nearly posting the rare octuple double, with only Marques Colston (9.00) not reaching double figures for the week. Tom Brady (37.15) was his usual solid self and got some help from Vernon Davis (20.40). It's funny how Vernon has all of a sudden become a top notch tight end, when last season everyone was calling him a head case and a potential bust. Do you think it has something to do with playing under an offensive coordinator last season who didn't even know teams played with tight ends? Now, he's still probably a me-first head case, but he's being given the chance to make some plays and contribute to the offense. So, with holdout head case Michael Crabtree in the lineup with him, Niner fans should have plenty of entertainment for the next few years.

The Cyclones are doing their best to hold on and make this season an interesting one. They didn't get the usual week out of Peyton Manning, but he was picked up by Derrick Mason (19.10) and Steve Smith (17.35). The renaissance of Jake Delhomme is amazing when you think about it. First of all, it's not an overreaction to call this a renaissance because, a month ago, everyone in the NFL would have taken Jay Cutler over Delhomme (heck, Tarvaris Jackson or Rex Grossman would have been better alternatives). Now, though, Delhomme is holding onto the ball and the team is playing much better (go figure!). And, all of this happened without Steve Smith caving in someone's face in a burst of rage. That's the amazing part.

Trying to make this a three team race is The Maestro. He had his best week of the season on the arm of Aaron Rodgers (48.03) and the hands of Wes Welker (28.10). Welker had the rarity of nearly matching his QB for points and he did all of his damage without reaching the end zone. At least one of Randy Moss' paltry four catches resulted in a TD, otherwise the Pats could have had trouble on their hands. No elite NFL, prima donna, receiver wants a 5'6" whitey from Texas Tech to put up better stats than him.

Stuck in neutral is Team STY. They had another mediocre week, only getting real production from Drew Brees (35.74). The only other player to hit double figures for the week was Reggie Wayne (11.45). These guys definitely should have played T.O. If he ever finds out he was benched in favor of LeBron's arch-nemesis, he'll show up in Iowa with a space suit on, looking for a driveway on Kellogg Avenue where he can break out into some calisthenics.

Hanging tough in the middle of the pack, which is way better than past years, are The Outlaws. Kurt Warner (27.06) was leading the team to a solid week until he got knocked silly. Fortunately, DeSean Jackson (23.65) continues to dominate the league at 5'9" and about a buck sixty (joining Wes Welker in making physical specimens like Darius Heyward-Bey, Braylon Edwards and the teams who drafted them look ridiculous). Hats off to the Saints (15.00) defense, too, as they prepare to face their toughest test of the season next Monday night against New England. For all Patriots fans (whom I wish nothing but disaster upon), here's hoping that Coach B doesn't get caught up in trying to prove he's the smartest man on the planet and instead just tries to win the game.

Getting a little frisky is The Dominator. He nearly posted the biggest score of the week due to the performances of Matt Schaub (39.10) and Ricky Williams (29.90), who looked like he could handle the load without Ronnie Brown in there running the Wildcat. Larry Fitzgerald (18.35) continued to show other WRs how you are supposed to play on a weekly basis and (to use a worn out cliche) Tony Gonzalez (18.10) just did what Tony Gonzalez does. This fake team is looking good right now and when you consider that Houston is in full panic mode (meaning the gameplan will soon be 90% pass and 10% run), the prospects for further movement up the standings look good.

Residing in the land that nobody cares about are the Gnomies. Like the Travelocity mascot that they share genes with, we know they are somewhere, but we really don't care where. If Matt Ryan (32.06) had another mediocre week, would anyone in the PPFFL hear about it? Only if you check here. How about if Greg Jennings (20.30) tore up the Niners defense? Since he's on this fake team, you'll only hear about it in this space. At least we have something to talk about with the San Diego (16.00) defense. And, it's not about them, but about the Denver team they drubbed on Sunday. The Broncos are following a familiar path - get out to a fast start, then crash right into a mountain. Maybe it wasn't tanned human rat Mike Shanahan's fault after all. I could tell the team was headed for a beating on Sunday when Kyle Orton entered the game to huge applause from the home fans. Folks, if Orton is your season savior, then your season doesn't have much going for it. Although, Tarvaris Jackson is probably available for the right price (i.e. free).

That brings us to The Dragons. Like Mark McGwire, I'm not here to talk about the past, but I still have to mention that in Week 10 these guys weren't the worst. They weren't the best, either, but at least they weren't the worst. It's a sad fact of life, but every league needs a team like this. Unfortunately for much of America, the NFL has too many teams like this. So, for you fans of the Lions, Rams, Raiders, Chiefs, Browns, and Buccaneers, there's a team in this fake football league that proves every dog will have its day. And, once that day is over, it's back to suffering. Hence, the Week 11 where only Dunnavunn McNabb (33.63) and Michael Crabtree (13.85) managed to reach double digits.

Notes:

• For those of you who may be new to our country, it's Thanksgiving week, so get your lineups in to the league office as soon as possible.
• Speaking on Thanksgiving, Andy Rooney, the commentator on 60 Minutes (where you needn't apply for a job unless you rememer the Renaissance - and not the one involving Jake Delhomme) thinks we need to get back to the way Thanksgiving used to be celebrated. And, that includes killing your own turkey. Seriously, that's what he said on Sunday night. No more frozen birds. We all need to know how great it feels to lop the head off of a turkey, right before you pluck its feathers and roast it to a golden brown.
• The NFL is giving us a glimpse of Thanksgivings to come with their Oakland @ Dallas matchup on Thursday. We all know that, come 2015 or so, Tony Romo will be suiting up in the Silver and Black. It's only natural that Al Davis (who, incidentally vigorously opposed the Renaissance) will be signing a washed up, never really was to QB his team, just because his name resonates among football fans. Romo and Al are a match that is destined to happen. Here's hoping Romo also chooses to don the white satin sweat suit as the clothing of choice when he's a Raider.
• Speaking of Dallas, the Pillow Fight of the Week was, without question, Cowboys 7, Redskins 6. Without checking the schedule, the Cowboys/Raiders matchup in 48 hours is the odds-on bet to be the next PFotW.
• The league office was open last night and took in most of the MNF game, which meant the whole mood of it went into the toilet when Stu Scott's gap toothed, four-eyed mug appeared on the screen for the first time. For the love of Pete, ESPN, who in the world likes seeing that buffoon? The whole "boo-yeah", re-dunk-u-lous" thing jumped the shark about 10 years ago. We want Emmitt Smith back!
• Speaking of Emmitt, following last night's game, Michelle Tafoya was able to conduct an interview with a non-English speaker without the use of a translator. The interviewee was none other than Titans QB Vince Young (rimshot!). Okay, VY technically speaks English, but I dare you listen to a replay of that interview and identify what he's saying, other than the words "have fun" and "man" (which he called Michelle about 17 times in 30 seconds). I guarantee that the Titans draw plays in the turf when huddling around VY, because there's no other way anyone in the huddle (with the exception of Chris Johnson, who speaks a similar dialect of Wonderlic) would know what in the world he was saying, unless all of their plays include the words "have fun" and "man". "Man, have man, fun, man, have fun, on three. Ready....Break!"
• Congratulations go out to Peaches Napear who has apparently visited a speech therapist in the offseason. Where we all expected him to pronounce the name of the new Kings rookie sensation "Ty-week" Evans, he's done a nice job of including the "r" and not sounding like Donald Duck.
• Speaking of Peaches, he obviously thinks of himself as the king of all Central Valley media. Can he really be, though, when Mike Lamb stops by to help him with the show for a couple of hours a day? Having Lamb help you out is like having Kenny Natt coach your NBA team. And, how did the current schedule get adopted? Peaches for an hour, followed by both of them for two hours, then Lamb closing things out in the final hour. How about just going to a three hour show if that's all you could afford paying them? Heaven knows, Jason Ross would step in for the 6-7 hour and continue with his show until the illiterate Carmichael Dave (who was obviously hired to fulfill Americans With Disabilities Act requirements) came on. As long as Ross has been at KHTK and looking at the jobs he's done, it's obvious he's either making about $7 per hour, or he's married to the program director's daughter.
• As a Sac State alum, I would be remiss if I didn't mention their big basketball win over Oregon State on Saturday night. This is the same Oregon State team coached by President Barry's brother-in-law. So, based on media predictions of the Beavers unending success following the hire of Barry's b-i-l, this is one of the greatest upsets since peach baskets were nailed to both ends of a gym. Oh, heck, it's the greatest upset in the history of man! Or, maybe not. Maybe, just maybe, assuming a position with great fanfare and promises of great things beyond our wildest imaginations (which at Oregon State would be 10 wins in the same season), but then delivering nothing but incompetence and losing is something that runs in Barry's family. Let's ask the Yemen what they think after they dupe Barry into handing over our nuclear secrets.

That's all for today, men, and let me say it feels great to be back to summarizing the world of real and fake football. Here's hoping the world of WJU doesn't get in the way anymore.

Until the next time....do great things.

The Commish

Monday Memo v4.11

Sorry for the hiatus, folks, but the PPFFL league office was dragged into the nasty showdown between Larry David and Jason Alexander over who was going to play the role of George on the Seinfeld reunion show. For the record, my idea was to let Kansas coach Mark Mangino play the role for the show, but that was quickly shot down when Jerry and Kramer expressed concern over Mangino beating them to within an inch of their lives. After that, it was back to the office for another week of NFL football.

In our fake league, The Big Ragu passed the Cyclones for the lead again. Barring a career night from Chris Johnson on Monday Night Football, the Italian one will be holding the top spot at the end of Week 11.

Current Standings:
The Big Ragu 1,379.88
Cyclones 1,338.86
The Maestro 1,266.57
Team STY 1,187.61
The Outlaws 1,175.58
The Dominator 1,084.11
Gnomies 1,066.25
The Dragons 946.36

The big clash between the Texans and Titans tonight brings to us arguably the dumbest adult in America.....you all thought I was going to throw in another "Vince Young is an idiot" crack, didn't you? Although he is pretty dumb and always will be, he has the Tennessee offesne humming and the team winning again. That alone squarely puts Jeff Fisher in the idiot category for playing Kerry Collins until there was no way the Titans could salvage their season.

The game tonight showcases few players from the PPFFL, but carries a lot of importance. The Big Ragu will have Steve Slaton carrying, and hopefully holding onto, the ball tonight, while the Cyclones are countering with the red-hot Chris Johnson. Further down in the standings, The Dominator, will have Matt Schaub and the Texan defense trying to pull him closer to 5th place.

A recap of the week that was will hopefully follow tomorrow or Wednesday.....

Until then, do great things....

The Commish

Weekly Review v4.8

Not much of a review this week, as other things have gotten in the way of tracking our fake football league. What I can offer, though, are the offcial PPFFL standings, at what is roughly the halfway point of the season:

Official Standings (Week 8):
The Big Ragu 1,139.58 (157.54)
Cyclones 1,105.19 (127.01)
Team STY 1,009.61 (105.17)
The Maestro 998.62 (91.07)
The Outlaws 969.47 (121.07)
Gnomies 909.35 (121.93)
The Dominator 871.69 (134.43)
The Dragons 734.23 (65.04)

Please, if you even read this stuff anymore, note that the new NFL week begins on Thursday. The Niners will be hosting the Bears on NFL Network (too bad they sacked Bryant Gumbel...his elitist, melancholy delivery was enough to put every person in America with ADHD right to sleep). Get your lineups in as soon as you can so that I can lock them up before play officially begins.

Do great things....

The Commish

Week 7 Review

Not much of a review for this week, due to some academic demands. So, for what it's worth, here are the standings as of the end of play on Monday night:

Current Standings (Week 7):
The Big Ragu 982.04 (98.20)
Cyclones 978.18 (107.69)
The Maestro 907.55 (128.77)
Team STY 904.44 (120.06)
The Outlaws 838.40 (83.83)
Gnomies 787.42 (97.28)
The Dominator 737.26 (73.28)
The Dragons 669.19 (104.23)

It was a heck of a week as the top of the league saw some jockeying for position between The Big Ragu and the Cyclones. Let's hope the rest of the season gives us the same kind of excitement.

Notes:

• In case you missed the announcement, Jim Nantz is getting a divorce from his wife of many years. That's right, the guy who wrote a book that in his own words, "will better the life of anyone who reads it" wasn't able to take care of his own business at home. Perhaps he should read the books that he writes and use the valuable information inside of them. Who knows, it could have saved him about $95,000 a month in alimony.
• Just in case it slipped by you, JIM FREAKING NANTZ makes so much money that he can affors to pay his ex-wife over a million bucks a year in alimony. That is the latest sign that we are headed for the fall of Western Civilization.
• Speaking of Western Civilization, the man who once said a Los Angeles Clippers midseason victory over a mediocre Denver Nuggets team was the greatest upset in the history of WC, has had to step away from his NBA analysis duties to deal with some health problems. Let me be the first to say that I will greatly miss Bill Walton. First, his absence means that we'll have to deal with more idiots like Jalen Rose and Greg Anthony. Secondly, the big redhead was highly entertaining if you played along with his act. Here's hoping he's in one of his teepees buring some of the highest quality medicinal plants and is on the way to a comfortable recovery.
• Congratulations to the Yankees on championship #27. Congrats also to the Rams and Titans who have left the Buccaneers as the only NFL team with a chance to go o-fer the season. Vince Young is back under center for the Titans, meaning the Tennessee offensive coaches have had to break out their playbooks that are formatted as coloring books. Otherwise, the master of the Wonderlic would have no idea what plays to run out on the gridiron. Okay, he's probably drawing plays in the dirt, just to keep from confusing himself with a bunch of words and numbers that he can't spell, nor identify.
• It's good to once again be able to crack on Vince Young for being stupid. If I ever want my kids to feel like geniuses, I'll have them walk onto the football team at Texas. Among that group of guys, they'll feel like Einstein and Stephen Hawking all rolled into one.
• When you see the words "genius" and "Einstein" in the same paragraph you have to give a shout out to Joe Theismann and his favorite genius, "Norman" Einstein. We miss you Joe. Have yo ever thought about contacting ESPN and applying for their NBA opening?
• Lastly, let's give it up to Comcast Sports California and their newest accomlishment of giving us the 4 people we would least like to see on TV together at the same time: Peaches Napear, Jerry Reynolds, Garry Gerould, and Fat Lever. In order they are: The most egotistical carrot top on earth (and New York poser); a yokel who still can't believe there is a professional sports franchise stupid enough to keep him on the payroll until he croaks; a guy so old and clueless that he has flashbacks to the War of 1812 everytime the Kings shoot off fireworks during pregame introductions; and the low budget, NBA version of Emmitt Smith (here's what the majority of Fat's analysis sounds like: duh blah, blah, duh duh duh...and that's the truth Garry!"...meaning he's the perfect partner for the G-Man). That split screen that pops up with two of them on each side is the cue to head out to the fridge or bathroom, unless you enjoy blood spurting out of your eyes and ears.

That's all for now. As Garry Gerould would say, "hitch up those horses and tell those maidens to fix you a hearty supper before you hit the sack to rest before you hit the trail tomorrow morn." He's also fond of saying, "It looks like this game is over. The Kings are flat and out of it tonight. It's 2-0 Jazz, as the Kings bring it up court for their first possession of the night."

Do great things, gentlemen.

The Commish

Monday Memo v4.8

A wild week has brought some drama to all levels of the standings (with the exception of the bottom) and the excitement should continue through the game tonight. The Cyclones have temporarily taken back the top spot from The Big Ragu, but the Week 7 standings won't be set in stone until we see who wins the fake football matchup between Reggie Bush (Cyclones) and Marques Colston (The Big Ragu). That's right, here in fantasyland, players on the same real team battle against each other for supremacy in the make believe world.

Tonight's collision also carries significance in the middle of the pack, as The Maestro (Roddy White) and Team STY (Drew Brees) battle for 3rd place. The Outlaws are counting on the New Orleans defense to score big and draw them closer to the top tier of the league, while The Dominator is looking for Tony Gonzalez to push him further into the vast void that sits between the last place Dragons and everyone else in the PPFFL.

Current Standings:
Cyclones 969.43
The Big Ragu 965.79
The Maestro 889.15
Team STY 866.13
The Outlaws 833.40
Gnomies 788.77
The Dominator 726.81
The Dragons 669.19

A recap of the week that was to hopefully follow tomorrow or Wednesday. Stay tuned......

The Commish